It's been yet another difficult week for me, not unlike the last  if I am entirely honest. I do tend to dwell on things and I just haven't been able to shake negative thoughts from my mind. I have suffered with depression for most of my life and for the most part have had to learn to deal with it myself. When I look back at the darkest points, the most difficult, challenging times, I am reminded of the connection they all share, namely the people, and the influences they exerted over my sense of well-being, in a negative or positive way!

Last week I was reminded of just how nasty people can be and that continues to remain a source of angst. I have done all I can to rebuild bridges and become a better person, especially after the death of my Mother last October. I thought I had reached a 'happy' point in my life and was feeling a little more content with my situation, even with my husband being trapped on the other side of the World, during the middle of a pandemic, but it seems, I was wrong. My feelings and emotions have taken a back seat over the last year, because other people have needed the support and encouragement to rebuild and rethink their lives. I have been patient and happy to give my time, to ensure a more agreeable consensus is achieved and I believed we had reached a happy medium, but that wasn't the case.  I feel totally flat and deflated and am worried I may be heading towards a place I don't want to go.

I have learnt much about depression over the years; in the past I had a profusion of pills I could use to help get me through the day, antidepressants to take the edge off the way I was feeling or therapy to support me, as I worked through the stresses of life. Today however, I am relying on my willpower, determination and mindset to help get me through, what is becoming a tough and beguiling time. I really do not want to go down the medication route as it just masks the problems I have, leaving them as real as ever, only simmering on the back burner until a later date. I haven't  had to face my demons without a little medical help before, but it is something I need to do now.

Speaking to a friend yesterday, they were concerned I wasn't my usual self and the truth is, I'm not. I feel so let down on many fronts; it is taking a toll on my personality; I have become insular and aloof from the people I need most and that isn't a good sign for me. Nevertheless, it is all I have to deal with the hurt I am feeling and I will continue to do what I believe is right. I have given all my life and never received anything in return. I am withdrawing an important part of who I am, because of what someone has once again done to me. Having been brought down to a level I am not comfortable with I am trying to work out what to do for the best. Life is one big struggle, which seems to have got harder and I just don't want to deal with it; I don't have the fight in me to confront or agonise over circumstances that were not of my making.

All I can do today is escape from the dejection and sadness that I feel and deal with the aftermath at a later date. I am throwing all my energy into work, doing as much overtime as possible and looking for other creative outlets for my writing, so I can continue to express myself in a positive way, on a platform away from this blog. This is a personal forum to showcase my emotions as honestly as I can, but sometimes honesty with oneself isn't the way to overcome tempestuous upset, it just allows me to indulge in a sea of self-pity, selfishness and defeatism. As my mood changes, so does my writing and throughout the last five years of this blog, I have encountered many ups and downs, this is yet another bump in the road, that will play out in front of a readership who hopefully understands the difficulties I face.

I am currently watching Schitt's Creek on Netflix, a hilarious take on failure and loss of wealth and the challenges faced by a family left impoverished, having to pick up the pieces of a broken life. We have all done that from time to time, it is a reminder that life doesn't always run smoothly and although only a television programme, it has offered me an escape at a stressful time. Watching TV, writing, working and social media has given me a channel to relieve the pressure I feel under currently. Speaking to Darrell in Australia is also a welcome break from the tension and trepidation I feel constantly and I hope it will continue to get me through the  dark days.

None of us are finding life easy during this pandemic. In the past, if I had felt the way I do today, I would have just taken off for a few days away or gone to see friends, things none of us can do presently. I am not used to coping with situations beyond my control and will just have to muddle through somehow. Looking out for number one, concentrating on myself for a bit and doing what I want, rather than what people expect of me should help in the short term. Eventually I will come to terms with my retrogressions and past mistakes, of that I have no doubt. Today I want to stay focused and determined to build a future for Darrell and I and finally accept that I will never be the person others want me to be, then and only then will I have made it, comfortable with the person I am and happy to smile again!

After a tiring weekend of work, today I was at Cancer Research, doing what I love best, raising money for good causes. The day started off well and I got on restocking the electrical department, something I do regularly on a Monday morning. As lunch time approached I popped out into the high street to buy a sandwich and carry out a few errands. Despite working hard all week, I find my time at Cancer Research relaxing and a bit of a stress reliever, but not today!

Whilst out for lunch, I popped into a high street shop to buy a book. As I browsed at the rear, I heard a commotion, shouting and screaming coming from the entrance, so I moved closer, trying to hear what was going on. I saw two young girls, no more that eighteen years old, cowering by the desk, as a man shouted abuse in their direction. He was yelling expletives, talking in a derogatory way, about the girls appearance, making it very clear what he wanted to do to them. Clearly the man was unhinged, on drugs or worse, so seeing how distressed the girls were, I walked over to try and get the man out of the shop.

By the time I got to them, one of the girls was in floods of tears, as the man smacked her hard on her back. Firmly I asked the guy to leave, at which point he turned his attention towards me, lashing out, swearing and calling me a number of different names; nothing I couldn't handle. Once again I asked him to leave and moved closer, trying to usher him out of the door. Eventually he was escorted out by staff as I stood between him and the girls and the Police were phoned.

I continued shopping and made my way back to Cancer Research, making sure the girls were OK before I went and told them to stay put until the Police arrived. In front of me I saw the man being questioned by security at the entrance to The Cascades Shopping Centre. He spotted me walking towards him and began yet another tirade of screeching. As I travelled past, he turned and spat square in my face. I asked the security guards to phone the Police and make sure they held him until they arrived. He seemed like a monster, full of hate and anger and a danger to the public.

A little later, I had a visit from an Officer at Cancer Research, who took a quick statement. He explained the man had mental health issues and should have been out in town with an escort, but managed to get away. His own Mother was also his designated carer and was also finding it difficult to keep him under control. At eighty years old she was no longer able to look after him. The Officer assured me he was going to try and get his Mum and him help, asking me whether I wanted to press charges. Well obviously he pulled at my heart strings and I said no, as long as he gets the help he needs and we left it there.

I have often seen situations where a person is being abused in public and have intervened on occasion, or found someone in authority to deal with the incident. I am amazed at how people can just walk away when someone is in trouble; as human beings we have a duty to look out for others and do what we can to help. There is so much violence on the streets today, it is up to the public to be vigilant. Police numbers are falling and the amount of money put into mental health care has been slashed, so there will inevitably be many more such occurrences in future. As an individual I have always helped others, whether through charity work, mentoring or just offering an open door, when someone is in need. I will always be there if I can, as all of us should be. If we do the right thing, the World will be a much better place!

A blog about how I'm feeling today, nothing specific, just a few thoughts on various different topics, starting of course with Oxfam. I am lucky enough to have been given a lot of support and encouragement this weekend, especially from those who live and work in Gran Alacant. It has been wonderful to speak to customers at LoungeD, who have made a point of coming in and wishing me good luck, offering their own thoughts and feelings on the difficulties Oxfam are currently experiencing; Expats are a very upfront lot and will always tell you how it is. Everyone I have spoken to, has given me the inspiration and motivation to continue pushing forwards, with my desire to make others aware of Oxfam's failings. Ex colleagues have also been in contact, all shocked at what they were hearing; many apologising for not believing my complaints against Oxfam at the time. This is not a moment for recriminations, this should be a period when all of us should stand together and fight Oxfam's cover ups and misinformation. It is important, that at the end of this soul searching process, everything is done to protect the victims and everyone else who continues to work and volunteer with this charity. I will certainly continue to work for justice, as I know many others will too!

I have also heard from a lot of friends back home in the UK in recent days, many I haven't seen  in over three years. A lot  have been reading my blog, getting to know me once again. This got me thinking; actually I became a bit nostalgic, so did a bit of facebook stalking, looking though old posts from ten years ago; adding friends and family I haven't spoken to in a while or lost contact with over the years. This is something I need to do as an Expat living on the other side of Europe. Many people complain tirelessly about the invasive nature of facebook, but I can't speak highly enough of it. It allows me to stay in contact with many people I wouldn't ordinarily see; importantly it also permits me to showcase my blogging and writing, especially vital when you rely on it for part of your income. My advice to anyone who uses social media is: Be careful, don't give out personal details and don't add people you don't know. Finally be very careful what you say, especially if your employer is on your friends list.

Continuing with the facebook theme; whilst scrolling through my wall, viewing what I can only describe as 'testing times' I was unlucky enough to come across some truly cringe worthy status updates. Facebook of course documents a persons thoughts and feelings in all its gory detail. Much of what I was browsing was not what I would broadcast to the World today. When one suffers with bipolar, one does have good and bad periods. This can be clearly seen in social networking blunders. The things I write now are extremely tame in comparison and thank God for that. I have clearly moved on  a lot from those dark days a few years ago. I think I may also owe a lot of people an apology for the distress I may have caused to them in the past, something I will be doing over the next few days. Reflecting on ones past mistakes is a good thing, learning from them is important.

It was an early morning walk for me today, trying to lose a few pounds. I do find walking the best time to think. Sometimes I get writers block and literally have no idea what to write, rather like this morning actually, so a brisk walk gave me the subject matter for today's blog. I am beginning to feel a lot better about myself, finding it easier to walk each day, the more I do it; my belt feels a little less tight also, which is a good thing. My eating habits have also improved dramatically. Everything we eat is cooked from scratch; I eat very little processed food, including cheese and chocolate, two things I have cut completely out of my diet. Also, even though I am still smoking, I have cut down dramatically, smoking no more that a packet of twenty a week. That is great for me, especially when one considers I used to smoke eighty cigarettes a day. Smoking has always been the bane of my life, especially with my addictive personality.

I could feel the sun on my face this Monday; the cold evenings are nearly at an end. I really don't enjoy this time of year in Spain, especially without the little luxuries, we are used to in Britain; central heating and carpets, to name but two. The winter doesn't really last that long. In December we were still enjoying temperatures of 25 degrees, so in reality it just consists of two months, which isn't too bad; I think they just feel far worse here. You are experiencing 8 or ten degrees during the night, which can be a massive drop from the temperatures during the day. That's a second year under my belt; it's uphill all the way now.

As winter comes to an end, we have already had a number of friends ask if they can come over and stay, for a few weeks during the summer season. In the UK, we used to have waifs and strays in and out of our house everyday, not always when I wanted, consequently, I wasn't necessarily happy to have people invading my space. I am quite a private person as a rule and do value my own time; very difficult to achieve, living in Southampton. Here however I am more than happy to have guests coming and going; it keeps a link to the past, especially warranted when settling into a new way of life. Moving to Australia was an option at one stage, before we decided to emigrate to Spain. Here, we wouldn't have seen any close friends, so I am grateful we can at least receive visitors today. Who knows, if we move to Australia in the future, things may well be very different. If you want to come and visit this year, please let me know as soon as you can!

So there we go, a few random thoughts for today; things on my mind, as I went for my morning walk around Gran Alacant. Have a wonderful day y'all!

Yesterday, I received my first email in connection with my 'Forever Enduring Cycles' rehash. I am gradually transferring each entry from my second blog onto 'Spanish Views.' It has been two years since I wrote this blog; the first time, I have been able to sit back and read each entry, assess their meaning at the time and decipher just what was going on in my life. 'Forever Enduring Cycles,' like 'Bipolarcoaster,' was about raw writing, quickly getting thoughts down on paper, without any planning; writing exactly the same way, as I was thinking. I never edited the material or reread a single sentence, for a reason! Sometimes writing should reflect the feelings and emotions at a particular crossroads in your life; to change a single word would have been wrong and not allowed me to learn, grow and change. 

I always enjoy receiving you emails, it means I am doing something right; the biggest satisfaction for me is getting a positive reaction from those who follow this blog, like Helen. I have no idea who Helen is, I have never received an email from her before, but like a lot of people who connect with 'Spanish Views' and any of my other blogs, anonymity is important. I don't wish to label anyone, but I have heard from those who suffer bullying everyday; when the time is right for them, they will come forward with their story; the more people that do, the easier it will be to catch those who cause harm to others. In no way, am I suggesting Helen is a victim, just an interested participant wanting to know more about my life and the issues I live with everyday. Let me try and answer your concerns Helen and firstly thank you for taking the trouble to write to me!

You asked if I would have done anything differently during the period I wrote 'Forever Enduring Cycles;' Thinking about it now, I would say not; I wrote what I had to express at the time, in order to get through each day, the writing was a channel for frustration. The grammar and choice of words used, wasn't always perfect, but that was my mind, away on a tangent. Aside from the blog, there is much I would do differently. I will never again trust anyone, without first doing my homework. I can no longer walk up to someone, shake their hand and take them at face value; for me that is how it should be. I will never again be a victim and will always reject friendships , until I am satisfied they are genuine. Remember this, I have done a lot of soul searching since 2015, learned much about people, even here in Spain and am fully aware of who and what they are and their motives. When 'Forever Enduring Cycles' was written, I was naive, backed into a corner and a victim of abuse, today, I am very different. I suppose the one thing I would have changed, is the choice of who I had in my life. I had many great friends  and a supportive network should I need it, but there were those, who still had a destructive influence. Even after what I went through, recovering as I was, I was still unable to distinguish the bad from the good; only while living in Spain, have I been able to do that!

Spain has given me a lot of time to think and reflect on my past actions. The life I have now, is the life I have always wanted, away from the urban sprawl, stress, commuting and bad influences that surrounded me. The actions I took  then, to re-evaluate my life, friendships and direction were the right things to do. Spain has allowed me to see past the muddle and confusion of the time and embrace new experiences and cultures. It has of course made me think about and recall my actions, but I would never change the way I dealt with my situation. Spain has shown me a different, better road and although I will always write about my past experiences, learning everyday, ultimately those dark times are over, never to return again.

Spain has made me rethink much about what happened in 2015. I will of course mull over situations in my head, trying to work out if what I saw and interpreted was true, factual or clouded in a sea of anguish; after all these were volatile times, confusing; even more so because of a lack of support from work and those who could have really helped, creating even more anxiety and torment. Was I really so blind, I couldn't understand the reality of my situation and only saw what I wanted to see? I have thought long and hard about this and many other unanswered questions and always come to the same conclusion. 

I have assessed all the information at my disposal, almost daily; emails, text messages, phone calls and conversations. I have compared their like, importance and relevance with circumstances others have also suffered, documented, for people like me to read and understand. I have also spoken to ex work colleagues, anonymous employees from head office at Oxfam House, as well as those who used to work in Human Resources, during the very same period, I was liaising with their department, almost on a daily basis. I have told my story a million times to a million different people, many of whom, not only understood my pain but also some who had been through the same ordeal. Everyone, without exception understood exactly what was happening; the bullying, lies, cover ups and collusion with friends; all pointing towards a situation so heinous, it could only highlight sociopathy, manipulation and a danger to mine and others well being. I knew what was happening then, I am even more resolute in my determined views today.

I did misjudge situations and people, but only because I gave individuals who were complicit a second chance, an opportunity to make a mends even at the worst of times. I still had faith that others with a conscience would come forward, support my actions to expose the bullies at Oxfam and allow all the victims to lay this dreadful period to rest. That of course didn't happen entirely, a few good colleagues stood up and spoke against what was unraveling, but in the main people were not forthcoming, honest or supportive and I finally resigned my position, moving to Spain to start a new life. The hardest aspect of all this, is accepting that those you once trusted were nothing more than oppressors, who need to answer for their actions.

Helen, you email is about reflecting. I have had nearly two years to analyse my life in 2015 and continually dip in and out of that period, just to see if there is anything I missed. Did I misjudge everything that happened? As I have said, the answer is a resounding no, which is why I will continue to write against bullying in all its forms  and try and help those who have also been through that trauma. In the end, all I want is closure  and an ability to move on. I have a feeling, that will not happen until Oxfam finally stand tall and admit the sociopaths in their midst; I await with anticipation!

​Thanks for writing Helen, it's always a pleasure to hear from people like yourself. If any of you wish to contact me, please use the form below or any of the others avenues highlighted, in the 'Contact' section of this blog!

I was always so full of ambition; there was so much I wanted to do. As a young boy, I was focused and knew where I wanted to go. None of us believes we will ever end up, in a situation, so obscure and heinous that a drama, could never pay justice to it. This is the first day I am able to sit quietly, put words on a page and really accept, that what I am seeing is true. Until today, my thoughts were so jumbled and misunderstood, even I doubted them. To place doubt in oneself, is an awful thing; for others, perpetuating that doubt, even worse. This Sunday, after five days of understanding, I can now piece together the scraps of evidence that only I could have collected; not on paper, but in my mind, that, although tired, will always be lucid enough to recall these events. After all, they have been with me, for what seems a life time, yet in reality, they have only been confirmed within my soul for six months. I have spent this time, searching for the truth, explanations and closure; today, at least, I can close this last open door, behind which the reality of my situation lies.

In 2008, after suffering, from what I thought was depression, something clicked inside of me; I wanted to be happy again; I wanted to experience a level of self respect the years had crumbled away. I applied for a job at Oxfam, as a Bookshop Manager; I loved books. The touch and feel, the smell, the words of people, many people, now gone; the books a reminder of who they once were, a living memory of lives, no longer there; books telling stories, of bravery, love, anger and pain; books with a past and permanent future that we can always dip in and out from, at will, taking a little bit of someone we never knew, with us, on our journey through life.

I had no expectations. If anything, I believed it would be the first of many applications, before I could achieve my goal of working again. I had a chequered history, where work was concerned, always achieving and failing at the same rate; no middle ground, just muddle and confusion over another failure in life, when I so wanted to succeed. I just wanted to do something in my life that I was finally a success at. I wanted to prove to myself and others, that I could be an achiever and not that constant failure, I was always reminded of by others!

It was a hot day, the interview was in Eastleigh, above the bookshop; I remember entering the room. It had a strange shape window, a bit like that house in Amityville; I always loved that film; the truth behind it scared me beyond my years. I was interviewed by Evelyn and Roger, both of them, my line managers at one stage; two genuinely wonderful people, who I respect, over and above anyone, I ever worked with since. They had there own stories to tell, battles they fought, but both with so much love for those who worked with them, it was humbling; true Oxfam Managers, who were there to help others, including their teams, without any ulterior motives.

I hadn't had an interview in a while, so assessing how well it went, or not, was difficult. I just remember thinking, what great people they would be to work for; I actually enjoyed speaking to both of them, they were open and receptive and that always helps to put any candidate at ease. It was boiling hot, I was wearing a suit and was sweating; I hate sweating at the best of times, but in an interview, it just made me more anxious and annoyed. On leaving Eastleigh Bookshop, I kicked myself, thinking, they were probably instantly put off, by this sweaty mess in front of them; I convinced myself, the job was not for me and left!

I received a call shortly afterwards, from Evelyn; she was a cheerful, happy and uplifting Lady, who I adored. I had got the job. They believed I was the right person for the position; for someone like me, who had gradually set my expectations lower, the more failures I experienced, it was an achievement, unmatched. It was my dream job and I was working with people I thought were great; on top of this I was working for a charity, making money for good causes; I could not be happier!

Evelyn was my Manager for a short while, followed by Roger, for about two years; this was a happy and productive time for me. I worked long hours, over and above what was expected, but I did not care; it was about proving to myself and others that I had integrity and what it takes to be successful. I loved my shop and the large number of volunteers who worked with me; true, selfless people, who gave up their time for nothing, to help me, and the causes Oxfam championed; people who were happy to go to work and loved what they were doing. The atmosphere was always happy; we all worked together as a team and the results showed; income was rising.

I was encouraged to apply for 'Aspire', a scheme designed to allow Managers to fast track their way to the career they desired; those who were able and capable of achieving their goals, with the abilities and desire to succeed quickly. I also decided to do an NVQ, off my own back, encouraging my Deputy Manager at the time, Leo, to join me. We worked well together and I was experiencing new and exciting opportunities each and everyday; successful times, growing numbers of volunteers, and above all encouragement and motivation. Roger would come to my shop as often as he could, weekly in the main. He would take me to conferences, ask me to help him with various projects, meetings and plans and I was given the utmost respect, as I always gave to him.

In 2010, Roger left; he was retiring; a big loss for me. He was everything I would have loved to have been; I looked up to him, admired his character and found him a true gentleman, in every respect. He pushed me ever onwards and was an asset to Oxfam and those who worked in our region; he deserved a happy and successful retirement.

Our new Area Manager was Veronica; she was middle aged, at the time, approachable, a bit dowdy and terribly interested in me and strangely my life. This was unusual for me, as I was only used to a Business relationship; at first I was unsure what to make of her approach, but accepted it was her Management style and we became close working colleagues.

I saw less of Veronica than Roger, which for me at the time, showed she had confidence in my abilities as a Manager and did not question her motives, why would I? I hardly knew her but like most people gave her the benefit of the doubt. She was difficult to track down at times; Roger always produced a monthly diary, which he would send to his Managers, so we knew where he was and was easily contactable; Veronica said it would not be her way of doing things. It made everyone's job harder, but we accepted it.

Everyone began to see less and less of Veronica, less than I felt was necessary, to provide each shop with the motivational, inspirational and appropriate help they needed to continue their successful endeavours; for the first time Volunteers didn't see my Manager, they did not know her name, indeed who she was. I am really not sure why a Manager would think it right and proper to distance themselves from those who essentially kept Oxfam the success it was, but what could I do. Management styles were always different, this was just one I had never experienced before. I didn't like it or approve of her ways; it was alien to me. She did however show herself now and again, so as a shop we continued doing what we did best, 'Making Poverty History'!

My responsibility as a Manager was changing; Income was slipping; there was constant change in our shop, as we tried to find out the factors behind decline. Veronica remained aloof from the shop floor and I began to take on more and more responsibility. At first I was happy to do this. I was helping Oxfam and able to broaden my knowledge and experience.

Veronica was also changing. I expressed concern for my shop and asked for help in finding solutions to problematic areas; she was not forthcoming. She told me things were fine; they were not and I knew it, the volunteers knew it and customers were well aware of the issues surrounding our Bookshop, but she ignored them. Her only reaction to falling income was to encourage me to take on more responsibility as a Manager, to justify my salary. I agreed and this was the first time, I began to fear for the shop itself, my position and failing health. I had to do it, to protect myself, my shop and the ideals of volunteers and Oxfam. There was a huge amount of pressure on me, but with the help of my new Deputy, we would get through these times, until income began to pick up again.

I was always a positive person, I had to be; after the turmoil in my life, I had to look beyond current situations towards the future. Depression had turned into Bipolar, my health was slipping ever further, but I would get through it, I was strong and my team were dedicated, now all I needed was more support from Veronica; how could she refuse?

I was confronted by Veronica at a meeting with Human Resources, after a series of messages from one of my volunteers expressing concern about myself. She had been liaising with him on a regular basis; my medical condition was disclosed and most hurtfully and disturbingly a suicide attempt talked about behind my back; I was horrified. Accusations were being made about me, which were untrue or had nothing to do with my position at Oxfam; I was shattered by the whole experience.

I had tried to commit suicide; the lack of support at work and resulting, faltering relationship was becoming an issue and I felt I had no other option. I took around a hundred pills and had made peace with myself; I wanted to leave this life, it was the end for me and I had accepted that. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, born of neglect, failure and lack of support; with a bipolar diagnosis under my belt, I felt Darrell would be better off without me.

As I laid on the sofa in our lounge, tears rolling down my face, I knew this was the end; my eyes closed and the next thing I saw was something I shall never forget until my dying day. I was flying above green fields, full of beautiful technicolour flowers. I could smell the air, the blooming colour and the fresh blue sky; it was peaceful and quiet, just a few birds singing; I felt relaxed and happy. Suddenly I saw a familiar face, it was Darrell; I tried to reach out to him, but he was gone. Then, just as quickly I saw more faces, a bit like a camera roll, flashing before my very eyes; everyone was alive. I just remember trying to grab hold of each one; I just could not quite do it. I was scared and had no idea what was happening and just wanted it to stop. Then a tunnel, just a tunnel, no light at the end, just a dark endless tunnel; finally I knew what was happening. This was the end of my life; this was finality and closure, the end of everything. It was the most traumatic thing I had ever experienced and I was truly dying.

I was awoken by Sara; from the corner of my eyes, I could see the mayhem surrounding me. I wanted to go back; this was not how it was supposed to be. I wanted to be dead and I wasn't; Sara, dear Sara had saved my life; ushered into an ambulance I was taken to Hospital. I must have passed out again, although I believe my airway had collapsed in the Ambulance; the blue lights came on and they got me to A&E as quick as possible. Sara said afterwards, making me smile, how terribly important she felt as those lights switched on; the traffic seemed to zoom past the ambulance, ever quicker as they tried to save my life. Thanks to Sara I am here today.; another memory that will live with me forever.

I don't remember much about the meeting with Veronica and Beth, accept, I was distressed. I had just survived a suicide attempt and now my whole life was being thrown into question. I remember Beth saying her sister had Bipolar, so she totally understood what was happening with my health issues; Veronica said very little; she was cold and emotionless. I was not understanding this massive sea change in my boss, she was not who I believed her to be; she was becoming less and less recognisable as time moved on. Deflated, emotional and shocked I went back to my shop, more depressed than ever.

The following eighteen months, can only be described as degeneration and shocking neglect. During these months I saw Veronica so little I was concerned; she had taken my Deputy Manager from me, to drive a van for her, because she wouldn’t pay for a driver to be employed. He felt pressured into it, at first accepting an unpaid role, telling me on numerous occasions how much he hated the job. This was also the first time he had expressed concern about Veronica as a Manager. He felt intimidated and bullied by her; there was no trust and an inability to offer support.

My partner was also working for Oxfam at this time, having been offered the position as Furniture Shop Manager; he was so happy to have a job, that meant something to him. He had been going through a rough time in his previous role and felt he had now achieved something he had always wanted. He also became close to Veronica; he had no family in the UK, my family were unable to offer the bonds he needed and Veronica seemed interested in him as a person. He was able to talk to her about subjects, that as a rule, only close family and friends were there for. I found this a little strange and totally unprofessional on her part, but knew he needed someone to talk too. My concern centred around, just how long she would be there for him, based on previous experience but I accepted, it was helping him at a difficult time.

As my health continued to falter, so did Ian's, my old Deputy Manager. I expressed concerns for his Health and Safety to Veronica, asked for help in my shop, expressed my fears for depression and all the time took on more and more responsibility, as shop income continued to fall; there was no help forthcoming, and I felt more and more isolated. Ian's health was now becoming of great concern for me; Veronica was his line Manager, yet he could not speak to her. She was a bully, offered no empathy and was increasing his work load more and more; he was a shell of his former self, in need of help, denied by Veronica. Again and again I expressed my concerns, along with other employees, within my remit. We had real fears for his welfare; still nothing was done.

Ian resigned shortly afterwards, giving me his resignation in tears. When I told Veronica, she tried to make him resign with immediate effect. This seemed odd, since he had been signed off sick; I told him not too and he duly followed my advice. She seemed angry at this, but Ian was my concern, not her.

There was another suicide attempt; I could not get any help from Veronica at all. My life was collapsing around my eyes and I had reached another low point. A friend was once again there for me, and saved my life; on this occasion I walked out of Hospital before assessment. I have no idea how I got home, but I was woken up at 3am by the Police, breaking into my house. They had a duty of care to preserve my life and had been searching for me around the Hospital grounds. I spent four hours with Police and Doctors coming in and out of my house, assessing whether I was fit and of sound mind, to make a decision about my own health.

During the last months in situ as Manager, things got dramatically worse. An altercation between myself and another Manager and the resulting dismissal of events by Veronica caused a complete Bipolar Relapse and I was arrested in the Easter of 2015, after trying to take my own life once again. On release, I was charged into the care of my partner and heavily sedated. I don't really remember the next few months, but they were most distressing for all concerned; for that I am truly sorry.

Since these events, my partner has been signed off sick from Oxfam, after a series of bullying attacks and events I can only describe as disgusting, using language and untruths I am still in shock about today. His health has deteriorated rapidly and he is now heavily medicated. We both continue to experience horrendous anonymous phone calls from those who seek to bully us.

My health collapsed further over the last six months, as I was left unmedicated, experiencing mental illness in its full unrelenting glory; rapid Cycling Mixed State Bipolar, severe head pain, Post Traumatic Stress and isolation. An illness left to fend for itself and a complete reluctance by Oxfam to admit responsibility.

Both myself and my partner are going through a grievance process as part of the shocking and shameful incidents, neglect, lack of safeguards and brutality we went through. The process has been so strung out, that we just continue to deteriorate. Darrell is also suffering from Post Traumatic Stress; he is a shell of his former self. It destroys me inside to watch him like this, but we are helpless.

Other Managers in our region continue to suffer bullying and harassment, more grievance procedures are flowing in; further isolation, lies, so many lies are being told and Managers are walking out, yet those responsible are sill in post. It is the most disturbing set of events I have ever been witness too. My health, my partners, my relapse my suicides, all as a result of one woman's sick desire for power and control; a bully, at the very least; a sociopath in name, left in charge of twenty Managers and seven hundred volunteers; unchecked, relentless and has absolutely no shame.

This chapter will end, when we have left The UK, on medical and legal advice, after our marriage in September. We are left penniless, careerless, ill and having to leave our home of twenty five years, all because of the unhinged nature of an individual, who works for the biggest charity in the Country, and has done so for fifteen years. She is known to be a bully and has been put in charge of vulnerable people; she has no morals, gives no support or has no sense of what is right or wrong; she has no conscience at all. Peoples lives are at risk, disregard for human dignity and contempt for homosexuals, mental illness and those more vulnerable, are now the causes Oxfam champions.

YES A CHARITY, The charity I loved and was devoted too. For what? A bully to be allowed to run riot over my life!

This is me today, broken, ill and at the end of my life here in The UK!

Today I wanted to talk about the very first blog entry I wrote in April of 2015. My first blog Bipolarcoaster documents a very different time in my life. It has been difficult for me to read this entry today, going back over old ground, seeing just how ill I was at the time; I haven't reread any of my blogs, this is the first. Much has changed since these words were written, least of all me; the beginning is always a good place to start; this is where it all began. The entry is entitled Recovery and can be read below!

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​Recovery

8/4/2015
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Today, I am recovering from a serious Bipolar Relapse.  After giving up medication 8 months ago, and another attempt at suicide, I thought it was the only option I had available to me. I wrote on facebook six months ago:

Happiness

Not had a lot of the Happy, nice and uplifting stuff recently. Not gonna go over the reasons why, since I've written about sh*t times enough in my life and most of you know the reasons why.  A streamlined facebook, that's the biggest clue!

I've had a lot of bipolar highs.  Was that true happiness? NO, not really.  Just compensation for the lack of true feelings of joy.  This is different! Bipolar makes it difficult to control emotions, so for many we stay emotionless. It's easier that way.  No body wants to express the wrong emotion at the wrong time.  I don't really want abuse or a punch.  Well this old mental Queen is now dealing with real feelings, something I could have never done on medication. Apart from self monitoring my condition, there really isn't anything else I need to do.

Giving up meds six months ago was the first step. I could see, hear and smell things, I had long forgotten.  The dreadful withdrawal symptoms were worth it, all of it.  My relationship was rocky and volatile for a long time.  Self medication, bad choices and rotten people, just some of the reasons why.  I truly believed shed loads of pills were helping, like f*ck were they.  They made everything worse.  They masked reality and yes they made me vulnerable.  Darrell left me on numerous occasions and for the first time my relationship became violent.

I changed the way I lived life and dealt with issues.  I listened to the professionals and did not react as I had done, so many times before.  It wasn't until Christmas, that I finally realised, I had changed.  I was no longer the person I was.  I felt strong.  Strong enough to remove destructive influences and just think about myself and Darrell, who I have loved and continue to love after 20 years.

Positivity.  That's always been a hard thing for me, but I am finding true optimism returning, more and more.  Of course, I am not solely responsible for that.  Having people around one, who care and truly, genuinely, without reservation help and encourage myself and Darrell has been the biggest factor in attaining a sense of self worth and belonging. These people were always the ones who were  good for me, It's just now, I can actually see it and cherish their friendships, without pushing them away or demanding more and more, like a petulant child! Making the correct choices and believing in them, is the biggest motivation for my current state of mind.  Seeing what people were becoming and the consequences to come, scared  me so much that it gave me the strength to remove, what I thought were real friendships.  I had to!  I've
never done something because I had to.  I was always reckless and only thought about myself.  Bugger what may happen.  I was going to do what I want, even if it meant loosing my partner and at its worse, my life.  Not any more, not on your life, not ever, f*cking, ever again.  The important things, people, aspirations and a future were back, and I am not letting them go again!

Marriage!  Something I never thought I would be able to do in my life time.  I am from the last generation, who truly felt the issues around discrimination and now, the world changed, while I was  getting off it or high on such a huge dose of medication to mask the true meaning of my life.  Someone started a revolution and I can finally feel free.  Free to be gay, free to fall in love, free to get married. This is the most import thing in my life now.  I am sure Darrell agrees.  We can now be legal and the people we were born to be.  To be able to express ones love for one another, in front of people we adore and respect, for many different reasons, really makes one feel emotional.  It's kinda, like the end of a really rocky road.  Well, not really the end, the new positive me would say the beginning of the rest of our lives together.  I am truly happy many of you will be with us on 22 September, 20 years to the day our unconventional relationship began.

It's good to know, that those who will share our day, will be there because friendship overcame my fears, illogical thinking, easily lead mind and abnormal behaviour. I am still building bridges.  Sound foundations and past history are allowing me to
embrace, what I once lost.  I am not, nor ever will be perfect, but with all your support, I know Darrell and I will make it and this emotionless bitch would have finally found a heart and the courage to say I'm sorry.

This was two months ago.  I was full of optimism for the future and happy with those around me.  What a difference a few months made.

I should have never come off medication.  Yes it felt good at the time, but in reality it masked the truth.  My Bipolar has to be medicated, for my entire life.  I should have relapsed within 3 months, I didn't, well maybe I did and I didn't know it.  I have endured a campaign of harassment and bullying, from someone who I regarded as a friend, almost family.  I was given more and more responsibility at work and I was coping with too much.  The final nail came as I spoke up for myself, in front of someone who was victimising me, for daring to speak the truth.  Sadly, it was one step too far.

I collapsed, physically and mentally.  I knew the good times were finally up.  My Bipolar reached Manic levels and with the threat of suicide again, my partner phoned the Police.  I was put in a Police cell and had reached the bottom of a great 8 months.  

Finally I was told the facts.  Currently I am sedated for most of the day and await a final, new diagnosis, including possible ADHD, unheard of in my day, running along side Bipolar and whatever other Mental disabilities I may have.  They are vast and many I'm sure.  Today I hope to return to work and am positive about the future. Tonight my sedatives have been doubled and I have no idea how I will feel in the morning.  I still have hope, there will be a few good friends left and the unconditional love of my long suffering partner, who I adore as much today, as I ever have done!

I had a message from an avid reader of my blog, Bipolarcoaster yesterday; they had been reading about Verruca Almond, the first in a series of parodies, I had written about my ex boss, bully and sociopath, Vera Lynham. This was the woman, who I reported to on a daily basis, the person who I trusted and someone I looked up to, She had worked for Oxfam for about fifteen years and is still there today, in the same region I used to work for. By all accounts she is still up to her old tricks, bullying her way through peoples lives, left unchecked and confirmed in situ by the charity I used to work for.

Verruca Almond first appeared in my blog, Bipolarcoaster, on 20 July 2015, a little over two years ago now. I had recently found out that Vera was a sociopath, or to give it its medical term, she suffered from 'Anti Social Personality Disorder;' I needed a way of expressing my feelings about this person, who I had worked for, for five plus years, choosing to write a parody, referencing her role in my life, not as my employer, but as a carer, teaching me her sociopathic ways, helping me through a difficult time in my life. Of course Verruca, like my Manager wasn't helping me at all, nothing could be further from the truth.

Vera reminded me of Lady Campanula Tottingham, the cartoon character from Wallace and Gromit, certainly in looks.

I had no reason to doubt her sincerity but then as I am frequently informed, I am a terrible judge of character; this woman was just another terrible person from a long list of bad people in my life, but she was more than that, she really was a deviant individual, working right at the heart of Oxfam. All along I should have been walking away from her, not being drawn in to her web of deceit. 

Eventually, I began to realise who she really was, but just couldn't bring myself to quite believe it. Vera Lynham had given me the responsibility of interviewing new Managers with her, helping to employ many. On one occasion, we had to travel to my old home town of Fareham, sitting in a cafe in the shopping centre preparing questions, when she asked for my opinion on a position that had just arose in the area, that of mentor for new Managers. Three people had applied for the position; Dan and Hayley from Hythe and Petula from our Romsey shop; she asked me who I would choose. Immediately I mentioned Hayley; I had heard good reports about her and thought she would be perfect for the job. As soon as I communicated her name, Vera looked up from her notes, scowling at me. 'I would never employ her, she has too many issues, that rule her out. Not even in the running!' I was so shocked at how she spoke about a colleague, stopping all discussion in its tracks, informing me of sensitive information, that I certainly can't print on my blog. As I know now, these two feisty women were at logger heads, constantly, battling one another, working against each other, trying to ruin reputations. These two were very similar individuals; it was likely they were both sociopathic in their behaviour.