A tribute and donation page has been opened for Mum by her undertakers. Please take a little time to click on the picture above and leave a message. You can also make a donation to Diabetes UK, a charity close to our family's heart. We all look forward to hearing from you.

Since Mothers death on 1 October 2019, we have received many cards, messages and emails from family and friends, wanting to express their sympathy at the death of Mum. Dad is finding these reflections particularly comforting at this time and we would like to thank you all for the contributions you have made.

My employers have also been understanding, approachable and reassuring, presenting me with flowers and cards from the team at Tesco. I have also received cards and gifts from colleagues, offering a shoulder to cry on and a friendly ear if needed. Personally I can't thank everyone enough for their kind words, it means a lot to me. Without all of you being there, my life would have been far harder. The fact that I do have so many people around me, is testimony to the nature of those I call friends.

If you would like to pay your respects and attend Mum's funeral, we would be delighted to see you. Both my Mother and Father came into contact with many people over their fifty two years together - School friends, work colleagues, friends and family and we would like to see as many of you attend, to celebrate my Mothers life as you can. In recent years, due to the nature of Mum's condition, they lost contact with many who were close. Reconnecting Mother, even in death with those who came into her life, would be a fitting tribute to a lady who died, well before she should!

We went straight to the Co-operative Funeral Directors in Fareham, to hand over the paperwork to Pam, who had been liaising with my Father. She explained a little about the process involved, as Mother's body is moved to the Chapel of Rest. We were asked if we wanted to see Mum while she was there and arrangements for the funeral on the 28th October were discussed. I am still in two minds, whether to visit Mum or not. After seeing Mother pass away, I don't want my memories tarnished and want to remember her the way I do now. I have a few weeks to make up my mind, so will think about it for now.

When we arrived at Dad's bungalow, it really didn't feel the same. Mum's bed was just inside the back door, where the dining room used to be. She was sat there watching morning television or the soaps in the evening, the table in front of her covered in the things she used on a daily basis. There was always a newspaper, the obligatory hairbrush, a mug of coffee or tea and the medication she took each day. Mum always had a smile on her face and a twinkle in her eye, happy to see visitors who walked through the door!

Today this small room off the kitchen was empty, just a table and television in the corner. Mother's soul had left the fabric of the building and everything seemed stark and empty. Mum may well have been bed bound, but she had a big personality, always full of life and her mark was no longer there. I felt sad at the loss of Mum and the grief we are all feeling, but most of all I was upset that I would no longer see her face and hear her voice. Mum was really gone and all our lives have changed in the blink of an eye.

Sat in the lounge with Dad, we reminisced about the old days, as I looked through the sympathy cards on the mantle piece. We tried to look forward to the future, while laying the past to rest. A knock at the door and a neighbour popped round to offer their condolences, another card to add to the list. We will all go through this one day and watch our partner, husband or wife pass away, but it isn't until someone close dies, that you really understand the pain involved. Grieving is deeply personal, no one knows just how long it will take, but those closest make it easier as we adjust to life without the one we love.

Dad took us for lunch at Titchfield Mill, just across the road from where he lives. This beautiful wooden beamed building has many happy memories for him; a place he used to visit regularly as a child. From here we went to Titchfield Village and a trip down memory lane.

Dad and to a certain extent me, grew up in Titchfield. It is our family's village and used to be a big part of my childhood. Great Granny Light used to live just off the square and I would often visit her with Mum and Dad when I was a child. I do have very vivid memories from that time and I loved the idyllic surroundings that I revisited on Monday.

On Carnival days, as children, we would sit upstairs in Great Granny's bedroom, waving at the floats as they trundled past. Curled up by the warm fire on a cold October evening, we would run in and outside, waving our flags and watching the fireworks on display. I loved seeing Great Grans house again after so long; it really has changed out of all proportion, but it is still the house I remember from the 1970s, homely, comfortable and full of character in a village that hasn't changed that much.

With the rain pouring down, we then went to visit Great Aunty Peggies house, who lived just around the corner from Granny and who we continued to visit, long after Granny Light had died, right up until the early 1990s. Today it is a dental surgery, but essentially just how I remember it. Also the church when my Gran Gran got married and the old butchers shop where we used to buy our meat, really no different to it used to be and of course the three pubs that are still there in this tiny village, where I would sit and have a Coke or two with my Mum, Dad and Brother when I was a child. It's good to see some things haven't changed!

It was a great comfort for Dad and I spending an hour in Titchfield. This was a place that holds many memories for us. If I am honest I felt closer to Mum here than anywhere else, because she was always with us when we visited relations. When I was a child, as a family we always walked everywhere, even to the village from our home, then a few miles away. It is a sad irony that Mum lost both her legs in the end, because she always liked to walk, keep fit and have her independence. Unlike most peers of my age, my Father didn't have a car, only learning to drive later in life. As a consequence I felt a connection to places like Titchfield, that others may have missed, only driving through at speed, not even taking a second look.

Despite living in cities for most of my life since, I long to return to a simpler time, with Mum and Dad walking along the abandoned railway track, picking blackberries as I went, heading towards the village I have always called home. With Mum no longer with us, it is more important now than ever, to reconnect with the life that made me who I am. Mum's spirit will live on through the memories and recollections I write about, her legacy secure. I no longer feel separated from the place of my birth, I finally feel that connection again, the one I left behind, all those years ago!

As Mum slowly slipped away, I looked around the room. It was stark in comparison to her other visits. There was a bag of medication on the floor and a hairbrush on her table and that was it. The minutes after Mum's death were deeply moving for all of us there, but Mother had gone, her spirit had left the room when she breathed her last. Talking had turned to crying, as it was time to say that final goodbye.

Rebecca, the nurse in charge had asked that we remove all Mum's personal effects when we are ready to leave. Dad said he wanted to stay until the sun came up, not wanting to leave Mum alone in the dark. It's not easy leaving the lady you were married to behind, after spending fifty two years together, every day of your life. Mum and Dad were inseparable, loving each other deeply, since they met at school in the 1960s. They were childhood sweethearts then, as they were when Mother finally passed away. The love and affection on my Father's face was as clear as day; he didn't want to let go, he didn't want to say goodbye.

I walked over to the bedside table and picked up Mum's hairbrush and said I would take it home with me, as a small reminder. After I removed her glasses and closed her eyes, I finally brushed her hair, as my Father had done many times before. Mum always had perfect hair. No matter how ill she was, there was always a hairbrush not too far away. Ever inch a lady she looked immaculately turned out without exception, wanting to look perfect, even in hospital. As I gently brushed her hair, I thought about all the times, she had done the same for me and I was happy to do it for her one last time. Mum was lying there fast asleep and I wanted to make sure she looked perfect before we left.

Both my parents were hairdressers, which explains why they always wanted to look their best.   As a child I was used to seeing friends and family coming round our house, coiffured, pampered and permed, made to look a million dollars. Old ladies, scary, without makeup, hair backcombed high, a purple scarf to protect them from the elements, a bit of lippy  before they went outside. I would find hair clips that had gone astray lying in the carpet, walked around pretending to be a monster, claw like hands, with hair rollers on each finger and inhaling the setting lotion and peroxide bleach, holding my nose for dear life.

Growing up as a hairdressers son was never dull, I had more Uncles and Aunts than I can remember. Fawned over by ladies, ruffing my hair and feeding me sweets, I enjoyed being sat in a chair listening to those stories hairdressers and clients talk about. Cups of tea, digestive biscuits and magazines, all part of the course when you are a hairdresser son!

Mum's hairbrush is the most precious thing in the World to me, a reminder of someone who brought me into this World, loved me unconditionally and was proud to call me her son, no matter how bad I may have been at times. Loosing someone close is hard,  the hardest thing I have ever experienced. Writing, remembering and reminiscing allows me to come to terms with loss, but tangible memories are a link to Mum, who is no longer with us. Whether a piece of jewellery, photograph or hairbrush, the meaning is the same - The love a Mother has for her sons and a bond that will always be there!

Writing has always been a great healer for me, so today it is more important than ever, to put words on a page and express how I feel. At 12.20 this morning, my precious, precious Mother passed away peacefully at The Queen Alexandra Hospital in Portsmouth. With my Father and Brother, I spent a final forty five minutes talking to Mum, reassuring her and watching as her life slowly slipped away. The great battler in my life, the person who never flinched in pain, always thought of others and cared deeply about her family, was no more. As I sat there remembering my life with Mum, I was struck by the way she conducted herself, even in death. My Mother will forever sit at the end of my bed, wipe my tears away and make everything better. The memories I cherish will live on in the hearts of those who loved her and the dreams of a family who remained the linchpin of her life.

It was 10.45 in the evening when I received a call from Rebecca, a nurse in the Cardio unit of Queen Alexandra Hospital. She had been trying to get hold of family without success, Mum was about to take her final journey. To be honest I had been expecting this for a long time and remained calm and collected as I phoned my Father, telling him of the grave situation Mum was in. My Aunt then phoned my Brother and I was on my way to the hospital in a taxi.

I had no idea what to expect; the last time I saw Mother she was in excruciating pain, crying out for help, distressing for all of us there at the time. Mum's high pain threshold had deserted her, despite everything she had suffered, she was in more pain now than ever and deep down I knew the end was in sight. When I arrived in ward C7, Mum was laying up in bed, breathing very slowly unable to see me. She was unaware I was there holding her hand, but as the nurse said to me, able to hear my every word. I spoke softly to her, gently asking her to close her eyes and fall asleep, one last time. Kissing her on the brow, I stroked her hair, wiping a tear from her eye. My Mum was dying and I wanted to be with her til the end.

A Doctor knocked on the door and asked if I would accompany him to a private room, where he explained the gravity of the situation. Mum's organs had failed and she wouldn't last the night. We discussed whether or not she should be resuscitated and just what the hospital was doing, to make her as comfortable as they could before she slipped away. I said there should be no attempt to bring her back, but let her die with dignity, quietly surrounded by loved ones. My Father would have the final say on this matter of course, but I was sure he would agree.

Shortly afterwards my Father and finally my Brother arrived and we spent the next half an hour talking and expressing our love for Mum. This was an emotionally charged scene and a deeply private time for us, so don't want to go into too much detail. I was reluctant to see Mum in this state, but recalling it now, I wouldn't change me being there for anything. As Mum breathed her last, she looked as beautiful then as she always did.

Gently I removed Mum's glasses from her face and closed her eyes, handing the spectacles to Dad. My Brother was emotional and upset and we both did our best to comfort one another. Neither him or I were used to this kind of situation, so while my Bother and Father, sat with Mum, I went to reception and did the necessary paperwork, phoned members of our family and of course my husband Darrell, who overcome with emotion, cried down the phone. In Darrell's words: 'Lost a Mum today, a beautiful fighter. She took me in  when I was far from my Mum, kind and accepting. Sleep under the Milky Way with us my dear!'

Leaving Mum behind was difficult, but after a 60 years of suffering, she had gone to a much better place and is no longer in pain. Mum was always very stoical in many respects but illness and advancing age is a terrible thing. Mum had type 1 diabetes and had learnt to live with it for over half a century. The complications she had sustained were many and great - from three amputations, sepsis and failing organs, but she always managed to bounce back and live another day. This time however, even a hardened battler like Mum couldn't win through!

My Mother wasn't just a battler, but she was also a hard worker, holding down two jobs when my Brother and I were small and also managing to provide a cooked meal everyday. She was always at home when we got home from school and didn't have a bad bone in her body! Mum was a housewife first and foremost, a grafter in every sense and a lady through and through. I have many fond childhood memories and despite not always showing it, I loved her greatly. This was a woman I respected, never swore at or in front of and always thought of, no matter where I was living in the World.

When a parent dies, there are no written rules about how to deal with it. How should I feel? How should I act? How do I cope?... and most importantly... How do I deal with what comes next? As I sit here writing today, I have so many questions; I keeping thinking, could the hospital have done more? and just how can I help without treading on anyone's toes and upsetting my Brother or Father. My theory is to keep a low profile, do what I can from here and let others take charge, that way nobody will get hurt, after all this is about Mum and Dad, not me or anyone else.

Today I have been thinking about Mum, quietly at home, with no one about, just me and my memories. I have cried and laughed, planned for the future and conversed with numerous family members who want to be there. The death of a loved one can cause rifts in families where there were none and I am aware of my place within this process now. I need to spend however long it takes, reflecting on the passing of a beautiful lady, who I was proud to call Mum, she was a massive part of my life and will continue to be. As my focus changes to saying goodbye, I look forward once again to retreating to the fringes of family life, which tends to suit me best. Being there for Dad now and in the future, quietly in the background when I am needed is my choice and as Dad recovers from the trauma of loss, all of us can learn the lessons of life, and live it to the full!

Yesterday was a day of mixed feelings; in the morning I attended the Christening of my Cousin Thomas, at St Patrick's Roman Catholic Church on Hayling Island. It was wonderful being a part of such a special occasion, attended by family and friends. In the past I have avoided such events, preferring to mark such milestones privately, keeping myself, very much to myself. In 2019 my life has changed much and I am now a part of our large, growing family, in a way I wasn't before.

I would like to take this opportunity to wish my Cousin Emmy, Partner Ben and their son Thomas, lots of love for the future. Thomas is a lovely young boy, who is always a joy to be around. With Ben's daughter Helena, their family is now complete!

Whilst driving to the church, I received a phone call from my Father; Mum had been rushed to Queen Alexandra Hospital in Portsmouth, after suffering from a massive heart attack, on top of everything else she has suffered in  life. I was left shattered and in a quandary about what I should do - go to the church or straight to the hospital. I chose to continue to the church and celebrate one of our families newest members before leaving for the hospital.

The service lasted two hours, after which we headed back to a local hotel. I spent fifteen minutes saying my goodbyes and left for QA Hospital. I was greeted by my Father and Brother, who I rarely see these days. As siblings my Brother and I never really got on and mine and his life went in very different directions. Neither of us are about to bite the bullet and forget the past, so we tend to just tolerate one another on such days. We were polite enough and along with my Father discussed Mum's failing health, as we have done many times before.

The Doctors kept us informed of Mum's situation from the moment I arrived. After the first chat with the consultant, we were under no illusion, that Mum's chances of survival were slim. She had suffered a big heart attack and they were fighting against the clock, doing everything they could to get her well. On arrival the A&E team tried to insert a stent into Mum's artery, without success. The vein was too furred up and as the Doctor said, it was like trying to drill through rock - impossible! We were assured they were doing as much as possible, to stabalise Mum and bring her blood pressure up to normal levels.

Mum was lucid and able to talk, although the strong painkillers kept kicking in intermittently and Mum would drift in and out of consciousness. We were all aware of the amount of pain Mum was in, although unsure why. I have never seen Mum suffer so much. Normally she has a very high pain threshold. After years of injecting insulin and three limb amputations, there isn't a lot Mum hasn't experienced, but somehow this discomfort was worse than any of the above. It was upsetting for all of us, seeing Mother in this state, but we know just what a fighter and battler she is and if anyone can overcome adversity, she can.

After spending four hours with Mum, I left for home, phoning my Aunt and Uncle to let them know of the situation and explained that the Doctor in charge had expressed his concern at the gravity of the situation she was facing. All of us were unsure why Mum was in so much agony, but it certainly didn't sound good and we were all expecting the worse.

Today I have been in constant contact with my Father and the hospital. Mum's health continues to suffer and the prognosis has changed from positive, to grave and as I write a little more positive again. It seems the heart attack has caused a lot of damage internally  that the Doctors are trying to reverse, but the heart itself seems to be recovering well and working as it should. The messages and health updates have been rather confused at times, but we know Mum is in safe hands and the wonderful Cardiac team at Queen Alexandra Hospital are working hard to save Mum's life!

Today I made a visit to see Mother and Father, at their home in Catisfield. It has been a while since I saw my parents; work commitments and a busy lifestyle has prevented me from seeing them as much as I would like. However, with some spare time on my hands, no weekly Doctors appointment and a break in the bad weather, I made the short journey to see them both.

Mum was in fine fettle, looking far better than she did the last time I saw her. Mother is doing so well, she no longer needs to see the District Nurse on a regular basis and has been discharged from her care. Of course it is difficult accepting that Mum will be confined to bed permanently, but in truth, she is far better off for it. Before, she was confined to a wheelchair, walking maybe a short distance on her prosthetic legs when she was able. After a third amputation, she has found it impossible to continue walking at any level, so remains bed bound, but seemingly in better spirits. Mum at least has the luxury of sleeping in a bed now, where as before, she slept upright in her wheelchair, in itself a life limiting existence.

Mum and Dad have a lovely home, with extensive gardens, something Mum is able to see through her bedroom and into the sun room beyond. When one is confined to a bed, it is important to have access to the outside World, even if it is through glass, and Mum does have fabulous views, peaceful, with a large tree lined park beyond. As readers to this blog are aware, my Mother and Father had proposed moving to a luxury gated community in their dotage, but have recently pulled out of their commitment, deciding to stay in their family home. I am pleased they have made this decision and am glad they will be remaining in the place they know best. Living in a luxury apartment would not have been ideal for Mum, looking at four walls, in eye shot of a car park. At home they have access to far more than they realised and will hopefully make the best of what future lies ahead!

All of us had a chat about politics as we always do and also discussed the future. My father has been told he will probably have to have an operation in a few years to replace his hip due to arthritis. As Mothers chief carer, this will of course impact on both their lives. Dad wouldn't be able to care for Mum during his rehabilitation, so as a couple they will have to finance a care package for them both, not a cheap undertaking. It is likely Dad will be out of action for up to six months, so the cost of care will run into the thousands of pound. They wouldn't get any state help, so would have to pay the nursing costs involved, or other family members would have to take over, something I would of course do under the circumstances.

As you and I get older, we will also have to make similar choices; none of us are invincible. My parents have worked hard all their lives and it is a disgrace they should have to pay for care, that they assumed would be paid for by the state; after all they have paid into the system all their lives. Social care is the one aspect of health provision in this country that has been neglected for far too long and someone needs to get to grips with it. Why should hard working people lose their assets, because a greedy care provider charges two thousand pounds a week, for looking after someone? It really doesn't seem fair, but this is Britain in 2019!

In time we will have to sit down as a family and decide what we should do in the future, when my parents care needs change, but until then, it is good to see Mum robust and well, fighting fit and realistic about what lies ahead. I am home in the UK to be there for both my parents, as Darrell is in Australia to be with his Mum. These are testing times for all of us, but at least we are doing the right thing and being there for those who brought us into the World; without them, we wouldn't be the people we are. Rich or poor, ill or well, we are family first and foremost and families are there for one another!

Friday was a sad day for me, my family and all those who knew Ray Atrill. At 3.30pm, on a rainy afternoon, Uncle Ray was laid to rest at Portchester Crematorium. I arrived with my Aunt and Cousins at 3pm and already people were gathering to say their goodbyes. Nothing however could prepare me for the number of people who arrived to bid farewell to Ray on his final journey.

Ray was a well known luminary in Fratton, having lived there for most of his life, consequently his network of friends was vast. Sat in the pews of the crematorium, I was struck by the number of people entering the hall; it seemed never ending, as the seats were quickly filled. Guests, stood wherever they could, at the sides and back of the building, quietly showing respect for a man, who touched the lives of many. It was a heartwarming display of admiration and approval for a character who will remain in the hearts and minds of all those who knew him.

Ray was given a send off like no other, surrounded by family and friends. The service was typically humanist in tone and reflected a life lived in the company of others, who shared similar interests. Everyone there on Friday sat attentively listening to the stories of a man who had lived the life he wanted and not what others would have expected. Without malice, hate or bitterness, Ray welcomed everyone into his life and all of us who celebrated his legacy on Friday, were lucky to have known him.

The memories of Ray will resonate around the pub where he and I worked for many years to come and will continue to echo around the streets of Fratton, where he walked on a daily basis. Community was important, pivotal and determining in the life Ray led. He did much for good causes and others who needed a helping hand. He was there when you needed a word of encouragement, advice or just a friendly afternoon chat. Ray was a linchpin for many, an Uncle to innumerable personalities who crossed his path and a Dad to a select lucky few, who warranted the love he shared. Ray was Ray, he wasn't perfect, but he was the backbone of a neighbourhood who looked after its own; Fratton wont be the same without him!

Goodnight sweet man!

When I was a boy, I used to carry a handbag or paper bag around with me, with all my 'bits and pieces' in. I remember my Nanny Poppy telling me that she knew I was gay, because I always had a bag in my hand. Of course, that was just my Nan being old fashioned and stereotypical. There was also an element of Nan, trying to accept my homosexuality, by making light of a particular aspect of my personality.

I am not trying to say my baby Cousin is gay, far from it, I am trying to show that this activity is a perfectly normal aspect of growing up. Babies like to explore, in all respects - cupboards, draws and handbags. My little Cousin took me back to my childhood today and it put a smile on my face. It wasn't that long ago, I was playing with Mum or Nanny's handbag, but sadly back then there were no camera phones to take a photo, like there are today.

There are many aspects of my childhood I miss and wish I had more pictures from that time in my life. I did however find this one picture of me, as a child in the 1970s, carrying my trade mark bag. I know what you are thinking? How gay I look, especially the way I am standing......Well maybe! I am sure I was well aware of my sexuality back then, I just didn't really understand what it meant.

It is great watching the younger members of our family grow up. I am particularly fond of Cain who is everything a young toddler should be. When he is my age, I am glad he can also look back at the photographs that document his life. He will have many more pictures to look through, but the sentiment is the same - Remembering those early innocent years, before life takes over and we become the adults we were always destined to be!

Yesterday a very special person passed away. Ray was a close family friend and had been a constant in the lives of my Aunt and her family for many years. I met Ray for the first time, when I returned to the UK last year and immediately formed a bond with him. He was like an Uncle, always there to give advice and offer a helping hand when he could.

It is always difficult when someone like Ray dies, he has left behind so many people who grieve for the friendship they have lost. He was known by many who live here in Fratton and was a local personality, like no other.

Yesterday, working in the Newcome Arms, his local pub, I saw first hand, just how upset everyone was and it brought home the importance of community to me. I may well have only been a part of this close knit neighbourhood for a short time, but already I feel welcome, thanks in large part, to Rays generous nature and welcoming heart. For those who sat at the bar last night, there was a sudden realisation, that one of their own had died and this town would be a poorer place without him.

Ray has gone to a better place, I am sure of that; I know his memory will live on in the people whose lives he touched. My enduring memory of Ray, is of a quiet, well mannered, unassuming man, who always had time for those around him. He listened to my ramblings, corrected my failings and always enjoyed a conversation; Fratton will not be the same without him. Personally I will miss his infectious smile, warm nature and witty repartee, just three of his many qualities. It was always a pleasure to sit with Ray in his place in the pub and wish the Worlds problems away. They don't make people like Ray anymore, we will never see his like again.

R.I.P. Beautiful man!