I have reached the age of 51, a milestone in my book. Too many people I have known from my partying days, on the Southampton gay scene, are no longer with us and if I am honest, I am amazed I have made it this far. I have bucked my ideas up, lost weight and got fitter, that's for sure, and I have finally started to think about my health in a way I haven't before. Feeling fit, I am in a much happier place than I was!

On Sunday, my Aunt took all the family out to Gunwharf Quays and a meal at Bella Italia. There were nine of us in total, including, most surprisingly, my Father, who had travelled down to Portsmouth to spend the day with us. This was a big thing for Dad, as he rarely leaves the boundary of his home and certainly hasn't navigated public transport in probably forty years. However, instead of driving, he got on a train and made his way to Gunwharf, arriving in one piece.

It was a beautiful day on Sunday, as we all sat outside having a drink before lunch and more importantly, Dad seemed relaxed, chatting with family, something he hasn't done for a long time, probably since Mother's funeral. I was just happy to see him with us all, in a way he would have found difficult, just a few short months ago. This was the most relaxed I had felt in months, spending a valuable afternoon with my nearest and dearest, all together as a family, since the pandemic started two years ago!

After a lovely meal at Bella Italia and a few more beers, we all made our way to Bar One, just around the corner from the restaurant, and spent a lazy afternoon chatting in the sun. My Cousin Rachel, in her own unique way, was on top form. I haven't seen my Father laugh so much in years, and it was thanks in no small part to Rachel, whose sense of humour is infectious. This was a Birthday meal to celebrate my fifty-one years, but it was more than that, it was a day to be thankful that all our family were once again together as a unit, after two years of hell!

Yesterday, on the day of my Birthday, Darrell and I went to meet friends in Southampton. I haven't been back to the place since I returned from Spain, so in many respects it was a bit of a pilgrimage, to see how it has changed over the intervening years. It is always a pleasure returning to my old University city, being there does evoke happier times, spent with friends during those care free days from my youth. Of course much of the city has changed, and it has lost a lot of its charm, but the fabric is still there, and I will always recognise it as home!

For the first time since 2020 I was able to spend time with two friends, Elaine and Chris, who are very important to me. These two have been there through thick and thin and seen me at the best and worst of times, so it was essential to connect with them after the pandemic. My Birthday was the perfect opportunity to spend some time in a city I love with two friends I adore; without them, my life would certainly have been all the poorer.

It has been a very thought-provoking few days, spent with people I love, which is what Birthdays should be about. It wasn't what I would have planned to do, but it has been special nevertheless. Spending the day in London tomorrow will signal the end of another year gone by, and I hope the beginning of a new, better twelve months ahead. Nothing is for certain as the World continues to explode around us. All our circumstances feel uncertain and precarious right now, but at least there are friends and family to help get us through. These are the important ones, the ones who mean everything, the people we often take for granted, the people who remained steadfast, loyal and true!

With my Birthday approaching on the 9th May, I have taken a week off work, as I always do at this time of year. Usually I would be planning to go to some far-flung destination on the other side of the World, but since the pandemic I haven't travelled abroad and have decided to give flying a wide berth this year; I am just not ready to get on a plane yet.

Three years ago was the last time I went abroad, when Darrell and I toured Asia, since then I haven't had a break at all. If I am honest, the lack of travelling is beginning to get me down. I am a wonderer at heart, and I miss navigating the World, experiencing diverse cultures and enjoying the sights, sounds and smells, that only exploring can bring, as I have done throughout my adult life. By September, I hope to once again get on a plane, taking two weeks off, so we can both celebrate our anniversary away from the drudgery of the UK. That of course depends on the state of the World and whether there are restrictions in place, or we aren't in the middle of a third World war. For now, I am setting my sites on a no expense spared trip in four months, and I am more than willing to spend another Birthday at home.

This year I am visiting friends and family, spending time with those closest and just enjoying some well deserved time out. Tomorrow, my Father is coming to Portsmouth and nine of us will be going out for a large family meal at Gunwharf Quays. Dad doesn't get out much, so it will be wonderful to see him away from home. In the evening, Darrell and I will spend time with my best friend Ramona in Southampton and see other old friends on Monday. Wednesday we will both spend the day in London, enjoying the sites of this incredible city, we rarely get to see.

Yesterday, both of us went out for a walk along the Eastern Shore in Portsmouth with a colleague and friend from work, Sue. It was fantastic to just get away from the city centre for a bit, which does tend to grate on one at times. As I have grown older, I have become less interested in urban living, preferring the more rural areas surrounding this great naval city. As a young boy who grew up in a village, I have certainly become more appreciative of the quiet life. I yearn for a more relaxing existence, but am well aware of the difficulties this presents. As someone who doesn't drive, with a partner who has made a conscious decision not to buy a car, I understand I need to be near the amenities I take for granted every day.

I look forward to a productive few days with people I haven't seen in a while. As I reach the grand old age of 51, I am spending more and more time thinking about the memories that made me who I am today. I do miss certain aspects of my past life in Southampton, so relish the opportunity to see those who were there for me then. It has been seven years since I lived there, so I have a lot of catching up to do. Birthdays are a time to celebrate life, but they are also a time to remember all the momentous occasions that came before. Making time for others is important, especially after the trauma of the last few years.

Spring has sprung, the sun is shining and for the first time in many weeks, I am feeling great. The World is indeed in a mess and my anxiety is the worst it's ever been, but I have decided to start living again. For too long, I have been shut inside, watching distressing news bulletins about the war in Ukraine and scaring myself half to death. It really is time to get up, get out and enjoy what life has to offer.

Darrell and I have more or less decided not to go on holiday abroad once again this year. COVID is still rife and with the Ukrainian war getting more terrible by the day, we both feel it is safer to stay in Britain. The south coast does have a lot to explore in terms of natural beauty and things to do, so compared to most, we are relatively lucky. This week, we have started to live a little better.

On Saturday, we both took the day off to go on a bit of a ramble with friends around Rowlands Castle and Stansted House. The day was wonderfully sunny, probably the best day we have had, since summer drew to a close last year. With three dogs, we walked a rather hefty ten miles to the seventeenth century style house, through wooden grounds, still drying out from the depths of winter. As you would expect, we were all rather muddy by the end of the day.

The countryside around the house is stunning, and it felt good to take in some fresh air and enjoy a relaxing walk in the warm spring sun. Chatting with friends, a chocolate brownie or two to keep us going and at the end of our walk, a rather large slice of cake and a coffee in the grounds of the hall. I felt energised and happy to have enjoyed a change of scenery, a pleasant change from the concrete jungle I usually inhabit. Both Darrell and I need more days like this, especially now with summer knocking on the door.

Today, Darrell and I went to see my Father; I had a dentists' appointment at the BUPA clinic in Fareham, so took the opportunity to see Dad at the same time. Tooth pulled out, we went for a bite to eat (yet another slice of cake) and caught up on all the local gossip. This cake eating is getting a little habitual now and while I'm still keeping my weight firmly in check, it's not something I want to do too much; It was bloody gorgeous though, the best carrot cake I've ever tasted.

We also spent time at Titchfield Abbey, an old family friend as it were. As children, we would often walk to the old castle, a short stroll from our house. Dad and I have many happy family memories there, long summer days, picnics in the park and playing football. Yes, there was a time I kicked a ball about, though don't expect it to happen these days.

The last time we visited the old place was ten years ago, when Darrell's family stayed with us from Croatia. It has changed a lot, since I was a child, seeming much smaller than I remember, but it still holds some amazing memories for me, as does the village of Titchfield itself. I suppose the older I get, the more I appreciate the area where I grew up, and the truth is, I do miss it somewhat. In many respects, it is comforting Dad still lives locally, because it does give me the excuse to visit once in a while.

I hope to spend more time travelling through the UK this summer and enjoy all this country has to offer. With Darrell finally home, it seems like the perfect opportunity to explore the British Isles. Whilst I won't be gallivanting to distant shores, I will be revisiting old roots and hopefully seeing even more hidden treasures. I may moan about Britain more than I should, but the reality is, I can't think of anywhere better I'd like to live, certainly not in this World, full of turmoil and pain.

It's been nearly four years since I returned to the UK from Spain, and during that time I haven't stopped working. The busiest period for me was always on the weekends, especially a Saturday night. I would often go from job to job, starting early in the supermarket and finishing at midnight in the pub. Fifteen-hour days were all well and good when I was living in Britain on my own, but now Darrell is home, my busy lifestyle has had to change. No one can keep working at such a fast pace, without burning out. A few weeks ago I made the decision to stop working at the Newcome Arms on a Saturday night and the reality is, it has been just the tonic I have needed to finally relax and unwind once again.

I have found it particularly difficult to chill and take time out since arriving back home; with so much on my mind, it hasn't been easy to forget my woes, especially with Darrell being in Australia. Of course, I have never been a person to do nothing, I have to keep busy, which usually involves blogging or going out for a long walk. Having at least part of the weekend free can only be a good thing, as I finally take a step back and enjoy the time I have to myself.  I work more than enough hours to pay for Darrell and me now, and the last thing I want to do is get ready to go out and work on a bustling Saturday night.

Last weekend, for the first time in years, we went out for a meal at what has become my favourite Chinese restaurant, Yan Woo in North End. This small unassuming establishment, set back from the road, offers amazing home cooked food, in an authentic setting, The staff are always friendly and welcoming, making this a great place to unwind after a long day. It did feel good to be sat quietly talking with Darrell, as we always used to, and not having to worry about rushing home to get ready for work. This first Saturday off was a great introduction to normal life once again, and I thoroughly enjoyed being free.

I do use the word free loosely; I never felt trapped working at the Newcome, but rarely having time out on a weekend became a burden towards the end. I haven't needed to work in the pub, in a monetary sense, having enough income to survive, but it was a part of my life I enjoyed. Socially, working in a pub was a wonderful experience, especially on a Saturday, which is usually football day here in Portsmouth. Meeting some incredible people, I cherish some amazing memories, made over many years. I am also still beavering away behind the bar on a Wednesday evening, not wanting to give up bar work just yet. I want and need to keep that contact with a pub I regard as my own and a group of people I have a remarkable bond with. In time, I may decide to knock it on the head completely, but until then, I am happy to be a part of the Newcome team, looking forward to a productive year ahead!

This weekend I was able to spend time with family, going out for the day, eating lunch out and enjoying a home cooked meal in the evening. It was great to do 'normal' things on a Saturday, which I wouldn't have usually done otherwise. It is more important for me now, to have this time to myself, especially with Darrell home from Australia. As 'normal' service resumes, I hope to continue to scale back the amount of shifts I do in the coming months. By the time we approach the end of the year I want to be in a position, where I can pick and choose when I work, without pushing myself too hard. One has to remember, I have had a lot of health concerns over the last four years and after suffering from COVID recently this month, it is time to take stock and realise, life isn't just about working. It is also about spending quality time with the people I love and enjoying life once again.

There doesn't seem to be a lot of Christmas cheer around at the moment, and it's easy to see why. The new Omicron variant of coronavirus is now running rampant across the country, and all of us are being encouraged to get our COVID boosters done as soon as possible. No one knows exactly how bad Omicron will be; it seems highly transmissible, but interestingly milder, and could be a major stumbling block in the Worlds fight against this disease; getting a third jab seems the obvious next step.  Of course, after the Government broke its own rules last year and hosted Christmas parties against the COVID regulations, people seem less willing to listen to reason. Like most of us, I won't be changing my plans for Christmas, because this God awful Government says so. More slogans, confused messages and even more bluster… Here we go again!

Unlike last year, pubs are still open and people are starting to celebrate the festive season. Last weekend we had the 'Football Supporters Christmas Disco' at the Newcome Arms Public House, where I work twice a week; it was packed to the rafters. Under normal circumstances, I would have been nervous about such large crowds of people, but I am fortunate to have had my booster and like most, I am sick and tired of the mixed messages from Government. Today, I am following my own rules and pretty much ignoring official advice, except where booster vaccines are concerned. It is important we get this third jab, to help protect us through the winter season and the rise of Omicron.

The party at The Newcome was fantastic, and I had a wonderful time, the best I've had since the beginning of the pandemic. I was thankful to be working on the other side of the bar and not part of the drunken throng. I have always felt safe at the pub and can always socially distance as much as I like. As a person who no longer really drinks, I am aware of just how far we lower our inhibitions in an inebriated state; keeping my wits about me during this pandemic is important, especially now.

Last week, I was 'pinged' by the track and trace app, which informed me I had been in close contact with someone who has COVID. To this day I have no idea who it was, but I was told I didn't need to self-isolate, as I would have had to in the past. However, I was informed I would have to take a PCR test, which came back negative, and I have been taking a lateral flow test daily.

It does seem odd that I didn't have to isolate this time; I could have had Coronavirus and been spreading it around, while I waited for the result. I have been in close contact with others with COVID in the past, but once again not contracted the virus. I can only assume the vaccines are protecting me from COVID and that makes me a willing participant in the vaccine programme, as we all should be.

At the moment, I am trying to get Darrell's booster jab sorted, but because he was vaccinated in Australia, this is proving a tricky operation. He doesn't seem to be able to use the online system, because only his GP has his vaccine records from Western Australia. They will be the only ones who can contact him direct, to arrange an appointment. Considering they are already asking over eighteen-year-olds to come forward, and he is forty-nine, I am naturally concerned he hasn't been called yet.

Darrell seems less concerned than I, but, he hasn't lived through the worst of the pandemic yet, being sheltered from it, living down under. It is important he gets vaccinated soon, especially with him working in the same environment as me, and I will continue to do what I can to make it happen. It is likely it will be at some point in January now; the booking system is under severe pressure and constantly crashing, making it impossible to get through. Even when you speak to the COVID help line operators on the telephone, they also seem unsure of Darrell's status and what to do next. Frustration and annoyance is all I can describe how I feel; I just hope, not for too much longer.

This week I did manage to see my Father, along with Darrell and my Aunt. All of us wanted to see him before the new Omicron variant takes hold; I have a feeling it won't be too long before we are all locked down once again and visiting anyone will become impossible. None of us wanted a repeat of last year, when I was unable to see Dad at all, except for a very brief visit to drop off Christmas presents. Dad seemed happy to see us, and I am thankful we could spend some quality time together before the big day.

Dad took us all out for lunch at his local pub and restaurant, the 'Oast and Squire,' which was lovely. The food tasted great, and it was fantastic to sit and chat, without a care in the World. Occasions like this are rare and even rarer during this pandemic. I have no idea when I will see Dad again; Like most people, I am having to rethink various aspects of my Christmas. I have already cancelled several events with friends, not wanting to put others at risk. From a work Christmas party to a live music gig at the Rifle Club, all of us have had to make choices, about what is best for us and our families. I want to spend Christmas Day with my loved ones and not have to content with a potential COVID infection, others of course may feel differently.

It is difficult to get into the Christmas spirit at the moment, but we are doing our best to try to enjoy this year's events. We have to decide what is the safest option for us as individuals. Of course, Darrell is home with me now, and I also have to think about his well-being equally. Without his booster, I am mindful of his vulnerabilities. He has had two lung collapses in the past, and I have to protect him, as well as me, from the worst of this virus. I hope we will ride this new storm, like we have all the others, but until we know the facts about Omicron and the rising cases of infection (over 78,000 yesterday,) we have to think the worst. All of us hope this will be the final year of restrictions, but nothing is for certain. The average length of a pandemic is four to five years, I read recently, so we could have a long way to go yet! Stay safe y'all!

It's been a week of mixed feelings if I am honest; there has been more downs than ups sadly, but I have had a week off and been making the most of my time.  This is really my last segment of annual leave before next year, so I decided to do very little. I haven't done anything taxing or challenging, but just relaxed, taken time out and  made the most of my time with Darrell.

The beginning of the week started well enough, then on Thursday Darrell, my Aunt and I went to see Dad at home in Titchfield. Once again, this was the first visit in a while, due to the ongoing pandemic. My Father, although fit and well, is still of an age, where he should take more care, especially around other people. The potential for COVID infection is high and for this reason alone, I do limit the visits I make to see him, not wanting to subject him to potential harm. Nevertheless, it was great to see him and give him his Birthday card and present, celebrating his 73rd in a few days.

We had a lovely meal out at Titchfield Mill, just round the corner from his house, and chatted over good food and a few drinks.

Going home to the place of my birth is always a challenge, I am not the greatest fan of village life. Since leaving home, I have spent most of the time living in cities or by the coast in different areas of the World. Titchfield, is not really my destination of choice, but Dad has lived there all his life and has never really ventured outside the village. For him, it is home, and a very comfortable one at that.

I have always felt safe and secure there, and in many respects it does hold some special memories for me. I had a very happy childhood, but my teenage years were rather different and for that reason, this small village on the south coast of England, isn't my favourite place to visit.

There are of course still many memories of Mum around the house, which is comforting, but it does also evoke happier times when Mum was alive, and that can hurt. Dad does, however, seem to have come to terms with her untimely death and has managed to rebuild his life in a positive and fulfilling way. He is doing more today than he has done in many years, even managing to go on holiday to Yorkshire this year. I am proud of just what he has achieved in the face of adversity, as I know we all are.

The day after visiting Dad, I was given some news I had been waiting for. The Doctor phoned me in the morning to tell me my 'FIT' test result had come back positive. A 'FIT' test measures the amount of blood in the gastrointestinal tract. Normally there is only a small amount, but with a positive result, it was clear there was far more than there should be, and I will now have to undergo further tests, to discover just what is going on.

I have been suffering from blood loss for a little over a month now, so this result was really no surprise, but it is deeply concerning for me. I have always put my stomach and bowel issues down to IBS, but with bleeding and a change in bowel habits, there is a risk something else is going on. At fifty years old, I am well aware I am in a dangerous age category, where I am more susceptible to conditions that I wouldn't be otherwise. I am always proactive in getting tested for any potential areas of concern and now, at least, looking after myself, unlike the last 49 years.

Even though I have now lost over two stone in weight and have gone from obese to nearly normal weight, I am mindful of the challenges ahead. We are entering a more dangerous phase of COVID-19 and as a fifty-year-old man, I need to look after myself; Thankfully I will get my booster on 25 November. I am also trying hard to stick to a healthy diet, keep my weight down and stay as fit as I can for the long winter months.

Times really are still tough, and I remain apprehensive for the future, but I am doing all I can to protect myself and others and continue to wear a mask in a public setting  and socially distance when possible. On top of this, Darrell should also be able to apply for his booster jab in a month, despite being vaccinated in Australia. With him also starting a new job this week, it is essential we both continue to remain as safe as we can; during uncertain times, it is important to follow advice and take precautions. I aim to survive the oncoming storm and do not relish the opportunity of having COVID once again; All of us need to do the right thing!
 
Have a great week, y'all!

This week I went back to school, the first time since I started a job teaching at the Princesa de Asturias school in Elche, Spain in 2017. My Cousin is particularly busy looking after her two youngest children at the moment, so I was delighted, if a little nervous, when she asked me if I would go with her daughter to parent's open day. This isn't something I have ever done before, so was naturally a little hesitant at first.

At fifteen years old, my Cousin is in her final stretch of school, and it was important I attended with her, to get feedback about her accomplishments over the last year, especially after the pandemic we have all lived through. She is a well liked young girl who gets on well with all her teachers, that was clear from the moment we walked into the school. Through the main hall we went, where colleges and career information was on display, and into the classrooms beyond.

In truth, I don't know who was more anxious, me or my Cousin. Sitting down in front of her teachers, brought back memories of my own parents evenings and the dread I used to feel, as I sat down facing my educators. These were never my favourite occasions, so I could feel my cousin's apprehension, very similar to the feelings I had over thirty-three years ago. I was certainly impressed by her teachers and the fondness they had for her. This was very different to my experience as a young lad.

As a child, I was very different to my Cousin. I wasn't as outgoing and had few friends, keeping myself very much to myself. I also came from a less tolerant era, where my sexuality wasn't acknowledged or even spoken about. The children at this progressive school in Portsmouth were certainly more grounded and worldly-wise, unlike the kids in my day.  More in tune with their own identities, they were far more self-assured and confident, but maybe, just maybe a little more supercilious, than I was used to.

Our school years are important and define us as adults later in life, so it is important we do as well as we can. Sadly sometimes we expect too much of children at such a young age. Deciding the direction our lives should follow, based on five years of secondary school education, is too much to expect. Speaking from my own perspective, I didn't have a clue what I wanted to do when I left school. I took the wrong courses at college and university and genuinely had no idea what I was doing  then and probably still don't today.

On reflection, I wish my teachers had been as dedicated and approachable as those at my Cousin's school. Had they listened more to my needs and encouraged me in the same way, I may well have done much better than I did. Despite my high praise for the teachers I met on Thursday, I was also surprised by the difference in discipline from my school days in the 1970s and 80s. A teacher seems to be more of a friend than a mentor, and their repartee more in tune with the playground than an institute of education.

Despite my misgivings, I was more than impressed by their respect for LGBTQ+ and minority issues. The inclusiveness and diversity was a joy to see, albeit a shock to my system. I wasn't used to this enlightened way of teaching, but I was wholeheartedly won over, by a school that made sure everyone was recognised for their individuality and encouraged to be the person their want to be. It was a pleasure to take a dip into the working life of a school, even if it was only for a single evening. It brought many memories to the surface and was a pleasant experience I would love to be a part of again!

September seems to be a busy month around here. There are numerous Birthdays, our anniversary, and the last of the summer sun to enjoy, before winter sets in. It was great to see old friends and new, also, as the last of the pandemic restrictions were finally lifted, life has started to get back to normal; more social interaction and time with family and friends has once again become a feature of everyday life. With Darrell returning home this month as well, life has suddenly got even more vivacious than usual. Despite having three weeks off, I have been busy every day and never seem to find the time to just sit down and chill!

On Saturday, we celebrated my Aunty Trisha's Birthday. For the first time in God knows how long, I had a few pints. This isn't something I would usually do if I am honest, especially after past experiences. IBS has prevented me from doing many of the things I would like, including drinking, but I felt it was time to see if my rather delicate constitution could handle it and luckily enough, I have no problems to report. This was a surprise to me, but since my gallbladder removal, my life has slowly been getting back to normal and the pain I experienced in the past is no longer there.

Since my operation in April, I have sadly started to put on weight again. The digestive conditions I suffered from, have subsided, and I have started to indulge in the things I used to like, including my downfall, cheese. When I weighed myself this morning, I was a horrifying 99.4 kg, this is a huge leap from the 93.5 kilos I was before my operation; it's time to start eating healthy again.

Despite the discomfort I experienced with gallbladder disease, the pain actually prevented me from eating a lot of things that were bad for my health. High fat food was always a no no, chocolate as well, and too many carbs would also cause problems. You can deduce from this, that my diet was actually far healthier than it is now; all I have to do, is change my eating habits once again.

Watching 'This Morning' today, there was a segment on weight gain, especially round the midriff. After doing a calculation they suggested, determining your ideal waist size, by dividing your height by two, it was clear I was actually five inches bigger than I should be; I've seriously got to start losing weight!

My Aunt had a fabulous Birthday, surrounded by a few close friends and family. We all chatted the night away, talking about the old days and listening to music from a bygone era. I haven't had many opportunities to spend time with my Aunt on her Birthday over the years, so it felt good to be a part of her day. Family is precious and even during the darkest times in our life, we should cherish the memories they bring.

Making arrangements for Darrell's resettlement in the UK and seeking advice from solicitors over his immigration status, has taken priority over the last few weeks. However, we have managed to spend a little time walking and relaxing, in between the mountain of paperwork and collection of documents. Having now employed a solicitor, we look forward to a speedy end to our current predicament. A long, five-mile walk around Portsmouth to the sea front in Southsea, has not only been energising, but it has also taken our minds off pressing matters.

At the height of the pandemic, I used to walk daily, up to ten miles at a time. As restrictions eased, and I spent more time at work, I became less and less active. Walking five miles, was half what I was used to, but I found it extremely difficult. Nevertheless, the weather was perfect, which made for an enjoyable experience.

Now Darrell is back, I would like to do more exercise, but I have a feeling I will be working more than ever. Until he is able to work himself, I will have to take on extra shifts. Once employed, I will be able to take a step back somewhat and not work so hard. My hope is, we will both be able to take on a more active lifestyle. I have to keep reminding myself, that I am in the final seven days of a three-week break from work, so have piled on the pounds, more than I usually would. Once I get back into a routine, the weight should hopefully start dropping off again.

It was great to end the week with friends and colleagues from work. Darrell and I have been through so much in recent times, that a few hours with those closest was just what the Doctor ordered. Drinks, food and chatter, was a welcome break from the difficulties of the last fortnight. It was a fantastic evening, thoroughly enjoyable and made a pleasant change, from worrying about things I literally have no control of.

I am a worrier by nature, which is also why I write. Anything that helps me take my mind off things that may be bothering me, is perfect for helping me to wind down and relax. I have been told by my Doctor many times before, that the IBS symptoms I suffer with daily, is due to my constant worrying. An evening out with friends, even if I am indulging in food and drink that would normally cause havoc with my digestion, is a great healer; that can only be a good thing.

Since Darrell returned to Britain, life has begun to get back to normal, well as normal as it can at the moment. Having my husband home has done wonders for my psychological wellbeing and has allowed me to see a future, where once there was none. Dining out with friends, together, may seem small to some, but to me, it signifies continuity and that is important for both of us. After such a negative period in our life, we can finally begin the process of restarting where we left off nearly two years ago. This month signals the beginning of a new chapter and a desire to succeed; only time will tell if the 'pandemic years' will have any lasting effect. The hope is, we will forget the last few years, put the dark days behind us and begin to finally live again!

Getting back to normal after two years apart can be challenging. When Darrell returned last week, I was under no illusions, as to just how much work was ahead of us. Re-establishing ourselves as a couple, and Darrell as a British resident, isn't going to be an easy task. The two of us have restarted where we left off in November 2019 (God, that really does seem like a lifetime ago now!) It really is a cliché, but it does feel like we have never been apart; I suppose that is the nature of relationships.

After surviving the initial jet lag, Darrell has spent the last seven days sorting out the legalities behind his arrival in Britain. The terms of his Indefinite Leave to Remain visa states, he must not be outside the UK for longer than two years, something he has never done, always returning to top up his right to remain here. This was the longest period he was away from the Britain, for a total of twenty-two months. Despite this, because so much has changed in recent times, he is finding it difficult to secure employment here. The documentation needed to work include a biometric card, which he has never had, having been granted Indefinite Leave to Remain in 2001, before this technology was available.

Yesterday, Darrell spoke to a specialist immigration solicitor, after discovering he wasn't able to register for jobs in the UK. The team at the 'Immigration Advice Service' were helpful enough, but our solicitor left us a little overwhelmed by all the paperwork she asked us to get; in our case, over twenty years of documents. It seems Darrell will now have to apply for his biometric card, or British citizenship, whichever is easiest to do. This will ensure he never again has to go through the bureaucratic nightmare, we are currently experiencing. Both of us just want to get on with our life, not have to start from the beginning again, proving every day of the last twenty-six years we have been together.

To be honest I have had a stressful week, sorting through files, looking for evidence of our relationship to send to the solicitor and speaking with organisations who can help. Everything is getting on top of me, and I am feeling particularly down and fed up. Mine and Darrell's relationship, has never been easy, conventional, or typical, but sometimes, I just want a break and someone to lift me up a little, giving me some hope during the most arduous of times. No one really understands the difficulties we face, every day, we have always stood on our own two feet and never, I repeat NEVER, asked anyone for anything.

I guess you're maybe detecting a little anger in my words today; if you are, you are right. Both Darrell and I are fed up with these Home Office games, constantly having to jump through hoops in order to survive and never having the opportunity to live in peace, without someone getting on our back for something. The happiness I feel having Darrell home, is tinged with sadness as we once again try to do our best in this unforgiving World.

This week, Darrell and I have been celebrating our 26th anniversary, the first time we have been together on this day for several years. There were no major celebrations after missing our silver anniversary last year; we spent the day with family near The Hard in Southsea and finally had a lovely relaxing evening, the first since he arrived back.

If I am perfectly honest, I never thought I would be in the position I am today. Darrell has worked legally in The United Kingdom for twenty plus years, yet today because of Brexit legislation and a biometric card requirement, he is finding it almost impossible to gain suitable employment. We discussed his predicament with our Solicitor, who explained the documentation he has, confirming his Indefinite Leave to Remain status in 2001, was enough to work in the UK. She went on to say, that employers are unaware or unwilling to accept perfectly legal paperwork, because of lack of knowledge on this rather difficult subject. That is obviously no consolation for Darrell as he tries to gain employment, but it is a terrible indictment on the lack of information available to employers.

Both of us will just have to persevere for now, as we decide on our next move. It looks likely we will apply for a biometrics card, but the frustration at having to do this is annoying and ridiculous. This is turning out to be an expensive and unnecessary undertaking at a time when companies are crying out for staff.

At least we have been distracted by the good weather and the chance to get out and about with family. Our anniversary was an opportunity to spend time with loved ones, stroll along Southsea sea front and have a few beers and a bite to eat at the Spice Island Pub. I actually haven't felt that calm and collected for a while. Despite the difficulties we are once again facing, both of us need to take time out, not only for each other, but also for those around us.

I have been relatively tense since Darrell arrived back in the UK, because I know just how difficult the next few months will be. Family time is the distraction that will give us both respite from the mountain of paperwork, that is slowly building on the bedroom floor. Once again, I feel like I am stuck in a time warp, continually sorting out documents from twenty years ago. The reality is, this is what we have always had to do, in order to prove the ongoing nature of our relationship.

This week, I also said goodbye to my boss at The Newcome Arms. Ellie was my Manager first, but she was a friend also, and I will miss her terribly. Working a couple of evenings a week in this popular backstreet pub, has done wonders for my confidence and self-esteem. The three years I have pulled pints behind the bar, has given me an insight into 'Pompey' life. Ellie was always a joy to be around, and I know all of us who worked there will always remember her face.

The last seven days have been a week to remember; I have lost my boss of three years, but have gained my husband back, at least for now. The chimes of change have been ringing for quite some time now, and I am glad Darrell and I are finally at a stage, where we can at least attempt to rebuild our life together; for how long, is anyone's guess. Ellie, moving on to pastures new, has signalled a change in all our directions, and I am looking forward to the challenges ahead. As a friend recently told me, 'You thrive on change, you can see it in your eyes' and I can't disagree!

I am relishing what happens next, but I am also apprehensive about the future. I hope for a calm ride, but always expect the worst. A positive outlook and hope for the future, should see me through the incoming storm, but until we are sure just what to expect, it's steady as she goes, thoughtful contemplation and plenty, yes plenty, of rest!

It's a little under two weeks until Darrell comes home, and I can finally say I am starting to feel relieved. At the moment, I have many emotions to contend with, from excitement to anger and anything in between; all of them are valid right now. I am of course happy Darrell is coming home, but I am also angry that so much time has been wasted; we have both lost nearly two years together, because of an Australian government, that has refused to let families see one another during this endless pandemic.

Our situation is very different to most separated family members, during the last eighteen months. Mum is still undergoing cancer treatment and Darrell has had to be with her, on and off, since 2016. The arrangement Darrell and I made, meeting each other twice a year, before COVID, crumbled as soon as Australia closed its borders. We were left in a precarious position, because of circumstances beyond our control, and there was nothing we could do about it.

Darrell and I have always thrived under the worst of situations, and if I am honest, there have been quite a few of those. Despite the difficulties we have experienced over twenty-six years together, we have always managed to come out on top. I am a follower of fate, and I believe Darrell and I were meant to be. We are husbands first and foremost, but we are more than that — soul mates, best friends and partners who continue to navigate the obstacles thrown our way.

Living apart from each other during a particularly traumatic period in history, is not something we bargained for, but like most things in our life, it will undoubtably make our relationship stronger. Tough and punishing times, really do test us to our limits, but like most people, we have had to learn to adapt to the surrounding challenges. Living life in the best way I can, has certainly been a mantra I have followed and equally Darrell has built a temporary life for himself in Western Australia. It is true to say our respective lives have diverged, but we have always been working towards the same goals and aspirations, ultimately reunited and picking up from where we left off in November 2019.

Darrell's arrival on the 16th September will signal the start of a new chapter, but it will also be the birth of another fight for survival. Plans we have discussed for the future are all well and good on paper, but in practice they may not necessarily work. Sometimes I think how different my life could have been, if I had followed a more conventional path, but then remember how lucky I am to have done the things I have. The years I have spent with Darrell certainly haven't been boring, but when it comes to finally settling down, after everything that has transpired, especially in recent times, it is hard deciding where our heart lies.

I don't want to go over the options available to us again, as I have written much about 'what happens next,' but it is important that we way up all the alternatives. Once again, I am looking at this conundrum from a positive point of view. Most people at my age have their lives mapped out for them. Living in a house, with 2.4 children, paying a mortgage, in a career they don't always like. This isn't something I have ever wanted; if I am honest, I am quite happy to continue travelling the World. This is probably where our life will take us once again, eventually.

Travelling at the moment is impossible; it looks like we will have to wait, maybe years, before we can continue flying in the same way we did before the pandemic. It is inevitable therefore, that  we will establish ourselves in a way we haven't really done before. Darrell is less keen to travel, so I envisage a time when we stay put, until Coronavirus becomes a thing of the past; like everything, it is dependent on what trajectory the pandemic takes. Talking to my Aunt last night, I said how much I missed foreign shores, the feel of the Mediterranean sun on my face or the vibrancy of Asia on my doorstep. I am also well aware I won't be stepping foot on a plane anytime soon, as much as I would like too. Holidays abroad look like distant memories, journeys just out of reach; making the best of this 'new normal' World is the only plan we have for now.

It is important we use these two weeks before Darrell arrives to think about where we go from here. Whilst COVID continues to rage across the World, it seems sensible to continue with the status quo, hanker down and continue very much in the same vein we have. This is the first time we will have to think long term, planning for happier days ahead. There will be no more living day to day and making spontaneous decisions without accounting for our actions. This is a time for reflection, contemplation and not making any rash decisions!

Thomas's 3rd Birthday

This week, my Cousin Thomas celebrated his 3rd Birthday. It was a reminder to me of just how many occasions and special events Darrell has missed since he has been living in Australia. Due to work commitments, I could only spend part of the day with family, but by all accounts he had a wonderful day.

With family now central to my life in Britain, it has become the most important reason to stay. When circumstances allow, I will be my Cousin Eli's Godfather, which is yet another basis to remain firmly in Portsmouth. In previous blogs, I have discussed the cost of property in the South of England, which is likely to be prohibitive in the long term. Staying with my Aunt in the short term is the stop gap we need, in order to save for our future, wherever it is. If we save enough, we should be able to get a small property, but that is dependent on our situation.

I am reluctant to leave my roots now; I am very happy and settled where I am and although my Aunt is fine with me living here with Darrell, I know we both will need our own place, sooner rather than later. If we do end up buying a home up north, to rent out, we are both OK about renting a small flat in Portsmouth or Southsea. We do not intend to just throw years of savings away on paying a landlord rent, and literally have nothing to show for it. It is a mark of how old I am, that I am even considering buying a retirement flat when time allows. This isn't something either of us really want to do right now; we are not in the twilight of our years yet.

As we continue to save for an uncertain future, we are aware of the difficulties ahead. It won't be until Darrell returns home, that we will really know where life will take us. Gathering together enough cash to start the process of rebuilding after the pandemic, is a priority that overtakes anything else with desire to achieve. When we have secured our path, we will then resume our journey, travelling to places we can only dream of today.