It's been a mixed week, full of ups and downs, but I have at least managed to grab some valuable family time, whilst having a few days off work.

Monday was a difficult day; I received a message from the daughter of my dear friend Mrs F, who told me she had passed away in a hospice, after a short battle with cancer. She explained, she would have told me sooner, but hadn't been able to contact me. This sweet lady died on the 1 June and her funeral took place this Wednesday. With COVID-19 restrictions still in place, I wasn't able to attend the service at Portchester Crematorium, but she sent me a link to view the ceremony online, where I could say my goodbyes and pay my respects.

Before her death, I had started to write some letters to Mrs F's family on her behalf, sitting down with her, taking notes and bringing together her memories of better times. Regrettably we had only managed to write a few pages, before she was admitted to a hospice, so I duly passed on her words to her family. Her death was so sudden, that I couldn't even speak to her on the phone. After being given three months to live, she barely had three weeks. One minute she was there, chatting on the telephone, the next she had passed away. Thankfully, she didn't suffer, and died peacefully in her sleep, the way she would have liked it.

Her funeral service was rather short, but emphasised just how religious she was. A Priest spoke eloquently about her life and, interestingly, the difficulties she had experienced. It was refreshing to learn about the more demanding episodes and not the usual sugar coated monologues I have witnessed in the  past. Her family's sadness was clear to see;  these were people who hadn't been able to say their farewells, in the way they would have liked and clearly had a lot to say. I was honoured to feel a part of her final journey, and although I hadn't known her for long, I was appreciative of the friendship we had and the times we spent together.

Having a week off work, has meant spending more time with family, which as been wonderful. Today I am surrounded by Cousins at every turn, in complete contrast to my life before. My little God Son, Eli, is growing up fast and his personality is starting to shine through. Different to his Brother Cain, they have both become closer during the year and a half pandemic.

I adore having all my family around me, they are the reason Darrell and I will probably stay in Portsmouth long term. We are considering various options at the moment, but it seems sensible to stay where we know best. I never again want to miss out on the lives of those closest, the milestones and events that make us who we are. In the past, I would have walked away at any given opportunity and wouldn't have even needed an excuse to up sticks and leave. I realise just how much I have lost by my previous lifestyle choices, and I will not be making the same mistakes again.

On the final day of my holiday, I went with my Cousin's Rachel and Emmy and the kids to the Blue Reef Aquarium in Portsmouth. This isn't a place I have been to before and at a cost of £12.50 each, I was expecting an amazing experience. However, it wasn't as great as I would have liked, although it was wonderful to see the kids faces light up in such an environment.

Yes it was an expensive day, especially for a large family, but when one considers the ongoing pandemic and closure of such facilities, it is clear, all of us have a responsibility to get out and keep these places open. The upkeep of Blue Reef is obviously huge, so I can understand the price charged, but however, would never choose to go again myself.

Despite my annoyance about the price, Blue Reef did offer a perfect family friendly location to spend the day. There was a splash pool and picnic area for the children, with playground rides and water fountains, as well as a gift shop and café next door, both of which were rather overpriced; taking a packed lunch would have saved a lot of time and money. In this cost conscious age, all of us have to think of the pennies. A venue like this will only survive for as long as people go and lend their support. If they feel they aren't getting value for money, Blue Reef will close, like many other such places up and down the country.

For me, it was about spending time with family and that made Thursday special, especially on a dull rainy morning. Portsmouth does have a lot to offer in the way of days out and tourist attractions, far more than Southampton, where I used to live. Nevertheless, I do find myself missing the long sunny days in Spain and the more relaxed way of life, something you just don't get in Britain. Only time will tell where we end up staying, ideally having a base here and in Spain would be the best of both Worlds, but it will all depend on where we go when Darrell gets home!

Darrell, like me, is beginning to feel the fatigue; living apart does create problems and is more tiring than one would imagine. Our way of life is getting both of us down, especially at the moment. We have both reached a point of exhaustion with the situation we are in; every day is literally a rollercoaster ride.

Looking at the internet, more specifically social media, you are constantly inundated with stories from Australia - most recently the news that the Australian government are relaxing laws, allowing people with two jabs, the ability to travel. Then in another article, suggesting they won't be opening borders until March 2022. You are literally bombarded with so much contradictory information, that you just don't know what's real and what's not. The whole process wears you down, makes you feel on edge, and creates anxiety and stress you could do without.

The tiredness we feel, is frustration at not being able to do anything to solve the difficulties we are experiencing, and the lack of help and support available to us and others in our position at this time. Both of us are living through a nightmare that never seems to end, and we just long for the day when all of this is over. No concrete plans to be reunited for now, just a desire to return to normal and a hope the pandemic runs its course.

I have had the busiest of weeks, working nearly fourteen days without a break. The Newcome is back open now and with extra shifts at work, I have a full schedule. At the moment I have had to limit my blogging to once a week, in order to fit everything in and will be volunteering as and when I can, when time allows. I don't normally function well under such circumstances, preferring a more relaxed attitude to work, but with little else to do, as we move out of lockdown, I am happy doing what I can to earn some extra money.

I have built up a substantial nest egg since the beginning of the pandemic; with holiday's and travel off the cards, I have been able to save in a way I haven't in the past. Usually I would be preparing to travel to Asia at this time of year, to meet Darrell, but with all flights to the far east grounded for the foreseeable future and Darrell unable to leave Perth, I have been concentrating my efforts on building a fund for our future.

Luckily I have learnt a lot since my hedonistic days, spending money quicker than I earned it, enjoying life far too much and having little or no cash to live on. Today I have been able to do something I have never done before, saving for the future when Darrell moves back home. Equally, Darrell has been saving money in Australia and by the time we both come together once again, we hope to have enough to purchase a property together. Of course the way the World is, nothing is for certain, but at least we will have options available to us, unlike the past, when we were very much at the mercy of circumstances, usually beyond our control!

During those rare moments, when I do have the time, I have been thinking about the 'what lies ahead' quite a lot. At the moment, the pandemic really does cloud judgement and offers little positivity, but this awful time will finally come to an end and all of us will get back to a new kind of normal. That will be an opportunity to live our life as we would have always wanted, not how others would expect.

Obviously, we have been discussing the direction we travel in for quite some time. It has helped tremendously to have dreams and aspirations during a time of crisis, and both of us look forward to a period when we can finally put those ambitions into practice and focus on the final leg of our journey together. Many people have asked us if we intend to return to Spain and pick up from where we left off. Both of us have considered this as a viable option, but it looks increasingly likely, this won't happen. When this pandemic finally comes to an end, it doesn't look likely there will be many opportunities left, for two older males looking for adventure. This was a dream that died in 2018, and it is probably best left there, during the period before Brexit and the virus that ravaged the World.

Family has become the linchpin of my life in recent years, in a way it wasn't before, and it appears like we will remain as close to loved ones as we can. My Father isn't getting any younger and I want to be able to spend as much time with him and of course my extended family as I can. Darrell, equally wants the same, as well as remaining in Europe, where he can be close to his Croatian family, maybe spending longer periods with them at convenient times of the year. I have missed travelling to Split and seeing Cousins Marin and Vlatka every year as we used to, and feel we need to reenergise that important relationship and rekindle family bonds, so important now, more than ever.

Living with my Aunt has been a God send and has allowed me to finally get on in life.  She has said, both Darrell and I can live here for as long as we want. To be honest I am more happy living here, than I have been living anywhere in the UK, so this will probably remain our British home of choice. I have grown used to living in Portsmouth now and enjoy having the large family around me. However, we still need to put down roots somewhere and continue to look for a home, either in the UK or further afield. I am toying with the idea of buying a small place in Scotland, Wales or on the borders, as well as looking for cheaper alternatives in Portsmouth. Property is very expensive here, but there are static and mobile home options along the coast, near the sea, where Darrell and I, or my Cousins and the kids, can get away for a holiday. This is the first time we have options, and the first time we are thinking sensibly, so for now both of us will just continue to work and save for the future.

Staying close to home makes more sense, especially as I get older. I do have many health issues to contend with, unsurprisingly, so access to the National Health Service is a must. Currently, I am waiting for two operations and four different procedures; I could be called at anytime and don't want to be too far from the UK. It looks likely my health will always be a source of concern, so limited or only private access to a European health system really isn't an option.

Every day I read of expats relocating back home, because they have lost many of their rights after Brexit, so it would seem foolish to do the opposite ourselves. The NHS does have many problems, but it is a system I understand well and costs me nothing to be a member. My working rights exist here in Britain; I no longer have the option of working in the EU. So it looks like it's time to settle down in the place I know the best and forget the dream of a European life. We both enjoyed our time in Spain immensely, but it no longer makes sense long term. Our closeness to the EU will always be there; through family and historic links, we will always journey to the continent on a regular basis. Nonetheless, our life together will be firmly tied to Britain and both of us intend to make the most of that adventure together.

The last time I discussed the future was in December 2020. Back then I still had a yearning for returning to Spain and in many respects I still do. I have come to realise over the last six months, however, that dreams don't necessarily make for practical solutions. Expats are returning from all over Europe because we voted to leave the EU and there are perfectly reasonable reasons why. The 90-day rule, means that unless you are a resident, you will have to leave the EU/Schengen area every three months. This would be totally impractical for Darrell and I, impacting our life and derailing our plans. Unable to earn the required salary in Spain, leaving us on a limited income, we would be much better off living in the UK and all the security and benefits that affords. Yes this is a blow, but it also offers a glimmer of hope to look else where, possibly Asia, where we both love equally; a natural home, where we could finally be happy together.

For now, we remain content to live in the UK, spending time with family and planning for the decade ahead; staying grounded for now, changing course when feasible and keeping dreams alive consistently, life is always evolving. We intend to adapt with the changing tide, always looking for new horizons; nothing is for certain in our unconventional life, just the rollercoaster we continue to ride, the difficulties we were born to overcome and the expectations we subsist to pursue.

This Friday really did feel like a new chapter, despite the Indian Coronavirus variant raging across Britain at the moment.  Like most of us, I have my concerns about this new COVID strain, but after having my second vaccination I have finally started to relax a little more.

Originally I was due to have my second dose of AstraZeneca on the 9th of June, but had my jab brought forward by several weeks, due to the changing circumstances. According to today's news, this new Indian variant has now become the dominant mutation in the UK, with the number of new cases doubling over the last few days alone. Of course, it remains unclear just what will happen over the next few months, but like everyone else, I just hope and pray the vaccines work, and we ride out the coming third wave relatively unscathed. I am as protected as I can be now, the rest is up to luck, good fortune and a positive gene pool!

The injection was once again painless, I didn't even know I had been given it. There was a longer screening process at St James' Hospital, in contrast to my first jab, just to make sure I hadn't had any adverse symptoms the first time round. I was presented with the usual literature explaining side effects and this time, also a leaflet on blood clots, just in case I was to be unlucky enough to experience them. I was in and out of the centre within twenty minutes and was grateful it was all over and I can hopefully get back to a relatively normal life. COVID will be around for a long time that's for sure, but all of us can at least play our part, get the jab when called and safeguard those around us; it's the decent thing to do!

With the new Johnson and Johnson vaccine approved in the UK on Friday, offering single dose protection against COVID, it looks more and more likely the UK will beat this virus in the future. The news remains full of doom and gloom, but I am hopeful the end is in sight. The biggest problem, in my view, is opening up the country too soon creating a train of transmission that could end in disaster. It is important that we all learn to live with Coronavirus, but it is also necessary we continue to maintain the measures in place, designed to keep us safe.

I have noticed people beginning to let their guard down, remove their masks and ignore the social distancing measures. As you walk around the high street, you notice the near normal way people are conducting their business; this is frightening, especially when we are so close to winning, and I am mindful of the mistakes we made in the past as a nation. I will be practising social distancing and mask wearing for a long time yet, I am just not ready to believe we have won this war. Yes we are nearly there, but stupid behaviour could push us over a precipice once again, if we disregard the warning signs. These are probably the most dangerous days of the pandemic, we need to remain vigilant, protect ourselves and our families  and continue looking after the vulnerable, then ever so slowly, we will emerge to fight another day!

My little cousin and Godson Eli celebrated his second Birthday on Friday also and despite feeling a little groggy after my vaccine, I managed to pop along with my Aunt and Cousin to give him a Birthday present. It was yet another sign that things are gradually returning to normal. A small Birthday party with close family, provided the perfect opportunity to relax and actually have a couple of drinks, rare for me. To be honest the beer went straight to my head, probably because of the way I was feeling, but time out was just what the Doctor ordered, before a very long week ahead.

The importance of family has shone through during this pandemic, I don't think I would have got through the dark days without them. Being away from Darrell has been hard of course, but having the support of loved ones has been important. A simple Birthday party is a reminder of the circle of life, that will continue long after I have gone. As Eli grows, he will undoubtedly forget the pandemic years, for me, they will remain a part of who I am. Times that changed me as a person, have helped me forge a new path, separated from my husband. When the sun finally shines brightly once again, I will be grateful I've had time with people I love, creating new and enduring bonds, living each day with a family who care!

On Sunday I celebrated my half century; I am now officially old, having reached the big 50. This was not a milestone, I was looking forward to celebrating with undiluted happiness and if I could have opted out, I would have done. However, My Aunt had arranged a surprise party, and I was quite emotional when I saw the decorations in the morning. My Aunt had done something no one else has ever done before, and I was determined to enjoy the day.

Of course, COVID-19 restrictions are still in place until 17th May, so my Birthday was a rather scaled down affair, with only close family and friends invited. The regulations allowed for an outdoor gathering of no more than half a dozen, and we kept very much to those rules. My Birthday this year was a pyjama party, which made for a far more relaxing day. The kids played in the garden, I had a few beers myself and my cousins prepared a buffet, to be eaten throughout the day.

After a cooked breakfast and Bucks Fizz, I opened presents and cards that had been displayed on the kitchen table. An eclectic selection of gifts with deeply personal meaning - a silver necklace, engraved with a photograph of my long since departed cats, Lily and Precious, ornaments, pictures, jewellery and even a canvas sent by Darrell, currently in Australia. A dream catcher, UV sanitiser (Sign of the times) for my mobile phone and keys etc and a Tibetan Singing Bowl, along with Marmite and Mollie Sugden memorabilia, wine and chocolates concluded the present list. With everything reminding me of better times, my spirits were lifted, even in the face of old age.

My Aunt had also arranged a surprise visit from my oldest friend Ramona, who arrived in the late morning. It was amazing to see her, especially given the circumstances. Ramona and I have known each other for thirty years, after attending University together in Southampton, and we always have lots to talk about. She has been a particularly calming influence on me over the years and I cherish the memories I have in her company, making her appearance especially poignant.

The day would have been perfect had Darrell been with me, but circumstances are still conspiring to keep us apart. Speaking on a phone or receiving a card and gift through the post, just isn't the same, no matter how grateful I am. We have lost so much of our life together over the course of this pandemic, that I hope the ongoing damage it has caused isn't long-lasting. Both of us have had to make separate lives, far away from one another, and it is difficult to know when or if that will change. Celebrating another lockdown Birthday is yet another reminder of the terrible times we are living through, months that have left an indelible mark on all of us!

Yesterday a friend and colleague Jules invited me to his house for yet another celebration. A fellow colleague, Angela, also has their Birthday on the same day, so Jules had arranged an impromptu COVID friendly party for us both.

Currently, six people are allowed to meet outside, so six of us spent the afternoon together, drinking a bottle or two of wine and eating some nibbles, Jules had prepared.

As you would expect, conversation mainly centred around longevity and growing older, which most of us there have experience of, in spades. Reaching a milestone age, can be particularly difficult, so the day after my Birthday, was the perfect opportunity to spend time with workmates. These are the people I spend most of my time with after all, working alongside every day. Relaxing in the company of like-minded individuals is a great way to shake oneself back into reality and try to put age into some sort of perspective. No, it isn't fun getting older, but it is something all of us will experience and as long as we remain content and focused, we should manage quite well.

I have felt especially spoilt over the last few days; from seeing hardly no one at all, over the last fifteen months, to having what seemed like a constant flow of friends and family back in my life. These are people I haven't seen in a social setting for such a long time. My Aunts arranged Birthday surprise, is the first family occasion I have been a part of since the start of the pandemic, nearly a year and a half ago. Likewise, visiting my Father was another first. I haven't seen him in over six months. Then yesterday, sat in the garden with friends, an event that would have seemed impossible, just a few short weeks ago.  All of these simple pleasures, taken for granted before 2020, now circumstances to savour, hold close and relish in the new world order, we are all living through today.

I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel as we gently ease out of restrictions, next year the pandemic should be a distant memory, as I celebrate my 51st. I will nevertheless remember these last few days with fondness, as the beginning of the end of the pandemic and a return to the freedoms we once enjoyed. My 50th this year is a milestone like no other and one I will never experience again!

My colleagues at Cancer Research have already presented me a lovely card signed by all the staff, and I've been given my orders to go in on Monday, to collect a gift. These are a special group of people, who mean the World to me, making their good wishes all the more special.

My Cousin Emmy has also given me an early Dolly Parton apron, Birthday present, which really put a smile on my face. To be honest it probably just shows my age, when my biggest musical hero is Dolly, but that is just a measure of who I am. As one of my friends recently put it, 'you are an individual in every way, it's why we love you.' Such a lovely thing to say, but reading between the words, I have always been unique, at least to those who know me best. Being atypical isn't necessarily a good thing and my difference can often get me into trouble!

Yesterday, along with my Aunt, I went to see my Father, after being separated for the last six months. Still unable to hug or touch, we were at least happy to be in each other's company after so long. Dad does look a little frailer than he was, but having lived under lockdown restrictions for such a long time, it really isn't a surprise. We had initially arranged to meet today, but with the weather a cause for concern, we decided to go a day early instead. The sun was out, and it was the perfect day, to meet outside, in line with the current Pandemic restrictions.

On arrival, we went to lay flowers at my Nan and Grandads grave. I haven't been there for about five years, so it was important to visit just before my 50th Birthday. The headstone looked well looked after and cared for and after placing the bouquet on their resting place, we spent a few moments alone with our thoughts. I do find it strange, standing by a graveside, knowing that my family are buried below, but this is how Nan and Grandad wanted to be remembered; it was important to them.

We drove to a nearby garden centre, where we walked around, chatting and talking. Dad seemed genuinely content to see us, after such a long time in isolation. I do of course phone my Father each week, but conversing on a telephone isn't the same as speaking in person. Next time we see one another, we should be able to hug, as a Father and son should. These are early days yet, but thankfully Dad has had his two vaccines, so is now as protected as he can be. With my second jab due in a few weeks, it should make it even easier to be in his company.

We sat in the makeshift restaurant outside, thankfully undercover, and also had a spot of lunch. It felt rather comical, wrapped up in a cardigan and a jacket, eating a meal, with the wind blowing ever colder outside, but these are extraordinary days we are living through and have to do what is necessary. The meal was as lovely as it always is, and we left, travelling the short distance to Dads house, where he gave me a card.

We spent another hour or so talking about family matters, sitting in Dads beautiful garden. The sun was still shining, and I felt relaxed and philosophical about my half a century milestone. It isn't a Birthday I have been looking forward to with undiluted pleasure, but it has given me the time to think about my life, past and present and the direction it may take in the future. As I get older, I do understand the importance of family more and more; this Birthday will underline their significance in my life at such a difficult juncture. Tomorrow will be about spending quality time with my Aunt, Cousins and the kids and firmly laying to rest the most difficult decade of my life!

I'm not enjoying this now, I have just about had enough of it all; am I the only person who feels like this at the moment? I am not talking about having to follow the rules, which I am happy to do, I am talking about other people ignoring guidelines and laws designed to protect them. When will people understand the ramifications of this bloody virus; it is killing people, every day, hundreds and hundreds of people, and yet they still break the rules. I am really at a loss to understand the mentality of those anti-vaxers, COVID deniers and rule breaks, it really beggars belief!

I have had a busy week, so much so, I haven't even been able to speak to Darrell. We usually put some time aside for each other, but it has just been impossible over the last seven days. The time difference is beginning to get to me and if I am brutally honest I am sick and tired of our long distant relationship. It really shouldn't have to be this way, it's only because of those at the top, that we have been separated in the first place. Having to constantly live your life around immigration rules has always been a challenge, from day 1, but as I approach my 50th Birthday, I would have hoped our life together would have changed, and we would be free to live as we want. Today however, in the midst of a pandemic our relationship is more restricted than ever!

Nearly a year on from the beginning of the COVID crisis, I am struggling, more than I have done for a long time. A few days ago I was informed a friend from my dim and distant past has passed away from COVID-19. This was a person I knew well as a young adult; he was fit and healthy, (far more than I) and was always full of life. He was several years younger than me and his loss has hit me far more than I would have expected. I haven't seen him for many years, but the impact of his death has shown me, just how vulnerable we all are, yet there are still people who 'just don't get it!'

Feeling extra sensitive and angry, I lost my temper yesterday, with someone I shouldn't have. Of course, I did it for the right reasons, because I felt they were in a situation that left them exposed to transmission of the virus. When someone you know dies, the thoughts and feelings you experience are difficult to decipher. I don't know how I am supposed to act, but it just wants me to protect those closest even more, even if I do shout and scream from time to time.

I would really love to know the psychology behind those who ignore rules and only think about themselves. Blatantly, it is a typical mark of sociopathic behaviour, but not all of them can have this trait. I did read an article recently about people who just refuse to wear masks, not those who can't, but those who just won't, and it was quite eye-opening. Most of these people have anti-social characteristics and understand the implications of not be protected. You can see the culprits as you scroll through social media, read about their partying, while others shield and isolate. You can see their genuine disdain for authority and their friends, family and neighbours as they stick two fingers up to the rest of us. These are the worst people in society, those who cause harm to others and those who are at least in part, responsible for spreading this virus through communities. Yes the Government has made mistakes, but they are not responsible for reckless behaviour that endangers all of us, as we fight to live another day.

Some days are better than others; all of us have our ups and downs and there are times I remain upbeat, despite everything falling apart around me. As a person I am usually an optimist; to be honest, anyone who blogs every day, with little or no recognition, has to have a modicum of sanguineness, in order to just get through the next entry. Writing allows me to express and offload my feelings, which has been a lifesaver during this pandemic. It has stopped me becoming an alcoholic, taking up smoking and eating myself out of house and home, it has given me a creative outlet during one of the most stressful periods of my life.

When I see the surrounding self-destruction, the lack of empathy, the aggressive confrontations and incredulous misinformation, I am reminded how lucky I am. I read, research and understand, I don't believe in mendacity and I dismiss ramblings from discredited sources. Fake news and conspiracy theories, that dominate the lives of those who believe in the machinations of the influential few, have now become so dangerous, that it is safer to say nothing at all. The voices of the hoi polloi, the masses who follow the rules are growing weaker, as the more bombastic, blustering inflated egos shout ever louder. Maybe it's time us plebeians stood up and faced down the onslaught of prevarication.

Today I was finally able to talk to Darrell on my one and only day off this week. It feels good to offload how I feel with my husband, rather than writing it down on a blog. Both of us, like all of you are feeling the fatigue virtually a year on, but we still remain positive for the future, even if we don't always sound upbeat. Our priority is to stay safe, protect ourselves and our family and continue fighting for our future together. When I shout, express an opinion or let off steam; when I wear a mask, sanitise my hands every few minutes or try and keep two meters apart, it's because I want to see my partner again. I want my family to stay safe, my dreams to stay alive and above all I want to live my life again!

Whilst everyone else keeps safe on furlough, the rest of us have to work for a living! I think you may detect a note of bitterness in my voice, which would explain my current state of mind. I continue making my journey to work each morning, working in a job I love; the rest of the country, or rather those being paid to do nothing, sit righteously on their thrones moaning about new Tier 4 restrictions that came into force yesterday. May I humbly suggest they look at key workers and vulnerable people who are having to work in the most strenuous of circumstances and are doing everything to keep safe. I, for one, am 100 percent behind the Government and their attempt to stem the tide of this new strain of the virus and so should you - the selfish hoi polloi, who care only about themselves! Of course, I am not saying you are all uncaring and inconsiderate, but a good many of you are!

Listening to the news last night and this morning, I was horrified to hear just how easily spread the new strain of this virus is. You have a higher chance of catching this illness, a 70 percent increase to be exact and people are still acting as though nothing is going on. Walking through Commercial Road in Portsmouth over the last few days, you could be forgiven for thinking you are living through normal times, but in reality we aren't. This is a bloody pandemic and I fail to understand why people are rebuffing the rules. If I am honest, this was a frightening experience and I am so glad all the 'non-essential' shops have been closed.

Before the Governments announcement yesterday, putting Portsmouth, Havant, Gosport, London and whole swathes of the South East into the new Tier 4, which is essentially a lockdown in all but name, I did get the chance to briefly see my Father. At first, I was weary about seeing him, since he lives in a Tier 2 area and at the time we were in Tier 3, but for me, it was necessary to connect with him,  no matter how brief it was.

My Father has spent most of this year on his own, so soon after my Mothers death, which has been difficult for him and all of us. This pandemic has really shown just how important family is, and I am angry that I haven't been able to see him as much as I would have liked. Not wanting to risk his health, I spent the briefest of time in his company, before getting back on a train and travelling straight back home.

Dad did look rather frail and alone, which was sad to see. He is of course well able to look after himself, having been Mum's carer for twenty years, but the lack of contact between family is taking its toll on him. He hasn't been too well himself lately, and I am sure he would feel a lot better, if those closest were around him more often. Families have been ripped apart by this virus, in life and especially in death, and I was almost tempted to give him a hug, but stopped myself at the last minute.

Dad had asked me what I wanted for Christmas, as he does every year. I have everything I need, so just asked for something personal from him, that I could keep close, especially at this time. To my surprise he gave me my Mothers Wedding ring, which I could wear around my neck on a chain, a memento I will always cherish. Apart from photographs, I don't have many reminders of my Mother, so this will be a gift, that will ensure she always remains close.  He told me they had chosen the ring together before their wedding in 1967 and had paid the princely sum of £20.00 for it, a lot of money back then, akin to a weeks wages.

We talked briefly about the state of the country, politics and family and I wished him a Happy Christmas, hoping to see him early next year, although I will more than likely see him at Easter, when this Pandemic is finally under control. As the road blocks started to go up around Portsmouth today, I was reminded of the desperate times we are living though, and I am grateful for spending just a few moments with Dad, before the shutters once again go up!

The state of the UK at the moment is headline news, across the World and Darrell is naturally concerned at what he is hearing. I have asked him to take a more active role in sorting out our legal status at this time, contacting our Member of Parliament  and doing what he can from his end. This Christmas will be very different for us in Britain, however life continues in Australia, very much as it always has done.

The World remains madder than at any time I have ever known. Expressing my fears for the future, especially right now as the second wave really takes hold, Darrell was left aghast, about just what will be left, when this is all over. The different lives we are leading are so divergent, contrasting in every way, that I am not even sure we will know each other, when we see one another again.

No relationship can survive indefinitely from opposite ends of the planet, and it is important we are allowed to see one another soon. So I will end this entry today, as I began, by pleading with people to take notice of the new rules. I know how difficult it is to not see someone you love over Christmas, because I have been living it for over a year. Like Darrell and I, you just have to accept what is happening, stop worrying about a Christmas turkey and always remember there are people far worse off than you. Once you become resigned to your fate, all of us can finally work together and beat this bloody virus once and for all!

Yesterday all of us working at The Newcome Arms said farewell to our customers, as we closed the doors for the last time before Britain once again locked down. I have now been furloughed along with many others, until the Government tell us we can open again. Despite being sad at not being able to see regular customers and colleagues, I am grateful to be away from the impending second wave that is now gripping the country. With five hundred people dying yesterday alone, I am well aware of the dangers of this virus. It seems we could be in for a worse ride than we had before. I will of course still be working else where, but selling beer behind a bar is now an illegal activity, in this strange new World all of us now inhabit.

Saying goodbye to everyone yesterday was a difficult affair, just as it was the first time we closed. Not knowing how others are doing during this particularly challenging time, is going to be hard. It was a testing night overall and not an evening I want to repeat, but I am at least one of the lucky ones; I still have a job and I'm getting paid. If all goes to plan, we will be open again in four weeks, somehow, I don't think that will happen and the lockdown will probably last longer than expected. Until all of us meet again, we just have to make the best of a bad situation; this will not last forever.

I had to go into town this morning to do some banking and again, just like eight months ago, the place was deserted. The streets were clear, hardly anyone was about and shops and businesses were closed. Portsmouth looked like a ghost town and I felt like I had entered a different World. The city centre is usually busy, bustling and full of voices, teeming with life, especially at this time of year. Not knowing when this current lockdown will end is disconcerting, it is a rather disturbing scene to witness, a scene not dissimilar to movies I have watched in the past, documenting the end of the World.

Of course, I will still have contact with others, especially at work, but I am concerned about those who live alone. Particularly vulnerable, are people who were shielding during the first wave of the pandemic and are no longer required to do so. Many of them are choosing to stay at home anyway, for their safety; a difficult decision, but a welcome one. Isolation and despair are common symptoms at this uncertain time and that is troublesome for the more exposed in society. Walking around the quiet streets today, I also felt very much alone with my thoughts, able to contemplate the future and think about my own anxieties. This is going to be another solitary time for me and I will do my best to embrace it, as I did at the beginning of the year.

I hope to once again spend time walking across the city, but with Christmas coming work will of course take priority. The weather is cold and uninviting, not ideal for exploring this great naval city, but it is something I have to do, if only to stay fit, healthy and sane at this time. Being able to clear one's head, shake away the cobwebs and breathe in the sea air is a must. I am however mindful of my aches and pains and have to take care I am not over doing it. Unlike last time I will not be walking seven miles a day; when one is on one's feet all day at work, a little rest is probably more beneficial than a long distance walk in the rain.

Speaking to Darrell today I was conscious of the huge differences in the direction we are both following in our respective countries. Sat with his Mother, friend Beth, drinking a pot of tea outside Woolworth's in Perth, they were all enjoying a normal life. No masks, no social distancing, no hand sanitizing; all of us are living in significantly different Worlds. The contrast is stark and clear for all to see. How could two countries, both islands, do things so differently? One successful, in more or less eliminating the virus, the other, still suffering through inaction, dither, ignorance and a failure to understand the pandemic that is ripping across the World. I am astounded that Boris Johnson and his Government are not being held more accountable for such monumental failures of judgement and hope in time that will change. It is shocking just how many mistakes have been made.

The next few weeks and months are going to be difficult, as we all try and survive this winter lockdown. The pressures on the health service and the rest of us will undoubtedly take its toll, but it is up to each of us to stay safe and look out for one another. All of us hope this closure will only last until 2 December, but that of course depends on how we all act. In Australia, everyone understood the importance of social distancing, mask wearing and hygiene, here, people seem to be ignoring basic logic when carrying out their daily tasks. Whether they are belligerent with fatigue or confused by the Government's mixed messages up to now, nobody really knows, but their actions will cost lives. Now is the time to act responsibly and follow the rules and hopefully we can all enjoy the family Christmas we planned, looking forward to a pragmatic and hopefully productive new year!

I have always loved Christmas and all things festive, so decided to put up my little Christmas tree this Thursday. Yes I know it is far earlier than usual, but it has been such a horrible time recently, I just needed a bit of sparkle and colour in my life. Christmas has always lifted my spirits when I am down and with winter drawing in fast, it felt right to begin the festive celebrations early; there's nothing like a fairy light to put a smile on my face.

Of course Christmas this year will be a very different occasion, with only a few family members sitting around the table on Christmas Day and that is sad. I have personally been saving for Christmas since January, putting some money aside each week to ensure all of us have an enjoyable time, but the reality is, it just won't be the same and I will probably keep most of the money for another year, the year we finally get back to normal, when ever that is.

This Yuletide I have bought a multicoloured tree, partly to celebrate my homosexuality and in part the NHS, colours of the rainbow shining brightly at a time of darkness. The more vibrant the decorations the better, as I try and do all I can to remain positive and happy. My state of mind is literally riding a roller-coaster of emotions at the moment. I don't think there has ever been a time when I have felt so worn down. My health has suffered dramatically since lockdown in March; after the likely Coronavirus diagnosis I received in April, it has slowly continued to decline!

Today I am still feeling the after effects of what I suspect was COVID-19. I feel tired, dizzy and achy most days. Initially I put it down to old age and over work, but after speaking to several friends and colleagues who had the virus, it seems they are also suffering from very similar symptoms. This is concerning for me, and I am rather apprehensive about the future ahead. Just how long COVID lingers and the potential enduring effects, nobody knows, but Long COVID is very real and all of us should be aware of it, as we enter the second wave.

Most of the time I try and block out the realities of life, but there are periods when I sit and dwell about the future, this is the time when distraction helps me cope with the awfulness we are all currently living through. A simple  Christmas tree is a reminder of Christmases past, better times spent with Darrell, family and friends. Most importantly for me is the welcome end of 2020, consigned to the history books, as one of the worst years in living memory. A fake evergreen tree symbolising the circle of life, renewal and abundance, even when hope has all but disappeared, is as good as it gets right now; that is a small price to pay.

This is such a difficult interval for friends, family and colleagues; it has become almost impossible to spend any time with those closest. A select number of us had a few nibbles and chatted over a sausage roll and glass of lemonade. Always following the regulations and mindful of the importance of remaining safe during this pandemic, we wished Zerina congratulations on her special day. This was a strange occasion, not our usual party of volunteers, drinking the night away at Yan Woo, but It was nevertheless as memorable as any other evening, even if it was for all the wrong reasons.

Darrell and I also celebrated another milestone this week. This time last year, Darrell arrived in the UK from Australia, to celebrate his Birthday with me in Britain. This month-long stay would be the last time I would see him, before the Coronavirus Pandemic took hold across the World. Looking back, at such a happy time is difficult for me, but I just hope it isn't too long before we see each other again.

I heard from my Member of Parliament as well this week, still working hard to highlight our case. Keeping me updated on his communication with the Home Office, he explained that he still hasn't heard from the Home Secretary, apologising for the length of time it is taking to receive a satisfactory reply. We still have a few months to go, before panic sets in, and we have to rethink our plans, until then I will continue to look on the bright side and celebrate life and all its ups and downs!