I'm not enjoying this now, I have just about had enough of it all; am I the only person who feels like this at the moment? I am not talking about having to follow the rules, which I am happy to do, I am talking about other people ignoring guidelines and laws designed to protect them. When will people understand the ramifications of this bloody virus; it is killing people, every day, hundreds and hundreds of people, and yet they still break the rules. I am really at a loss to understand the mentality of those anti-vaxers, COVID deniers and rule breaks, it really beggars belief!

I have had a busy week, so much so, I haven't even been able to speak to Darrell. We usually put some time aside for each other, but it has just been impossible over the last seven days. The time difference is beginning to get to me and if I am brutally honest I am sick and tired of our long distant relationship. It really shouldn't have to be this way, it's only because of those at the top, that we have been separated in the first place. Having to constantly live your life around immigration rules has always been a challenge, from day 1, but as I approach my 50th Birthday, I would have hoped our life together would have changed, and we would be free to live as we want. Today however, in the midst of a pandemic our relationship is more restricted than ever!

Nearly a year on from the beginning of the COVID crisis, I am struggling, more than I have done for a long time. A few days ago I was informed a friend from my dim and distant past has passed away from COVID-19. This was a person I knew well as a young adult; he was fit and healthy, (far more than I) and was always full of life. He was several years younger than me and his loss has hit me far more than I would have expected. I haven't seen him for many years, but the impact of his death has shown me, just how vulnerable we all are, yet there are still people who 'just don't get it!'

Feeling extra sensitive and angry, I lost my temper yesterday, with someone I shouldn't have. Of course, I did it for the right reasons, because I felt they were in a situation that left them exposed to transmission of the virus. When someone you know dies, the thoughts and feelings you experience are difficult to decipher. I don't know how I am supposed to act, but it just wants me to protect those closest even more, even if I do shout and scream from time to time.

I would really love to know the psychology behind those who ignore rules and only think about themselves. Blatantly, it is a typical mark of sociopathic behaviour, but not all of them can have this trait. I did read an article recently about people who just refuse to wear masks, not those who can't, but those who just won't, and it was quite eye-opening. Most of these people have anti-social characteristics and understand the implications of not be protected. You can see the culprits as you scroll through social media, read about their partying, while others shield and isolate. You can see their genuine disdain for authority and their friends, family and neighbours as they stick two fingers up to the rest of us. These are the worst people in society, those who cause harm to others and those who are at least in part, responsible for spreading this virus through communities. Yes the Government has made mistakes, but they are not responsible for reckless behaviour that endangers all of us, as we fight to live another day.

Some days are better than others; all of us have our ups and downs and there are times I remain upbeat, despite everything falling apart around me. As a person I am usually an optimist; to be honest, anyone who blogs every day, with little or no recognition, has to have a modicum of sanguineness, in order to just get through the next entry. Writing allows me to express and offload my feelings, which has been a lifesaver during this pandemic. It has stopped me becoming an alcoholic, taking up smoking and eating myself out of house and home, it has given me a creative outlet during one of the most stressful periods of my life.

When I see the surrounding self-destruction, the lack of empathy, the aggressive confrontations and incredulous misinformation, I am reminded how lucky I am. I read, research and understand, I don't believe in mendacity and I dismiss ramblings from discredited sources. Fake news and conspiracy theories, that dominate the lives of those who believe in the machinations of the influential few, have now become so dangerous, that it is safer to say nothing at all. The voices of the hoi polloi, the masses who follow the rules are growing weaker, as the more bombastic, blustering inflated egos shout ever louder. Maybe it's time us plebeians stood up and faced down the onslaught of prevarication.

Today I was finally able to talk to Darrell on my one and only day off this week. It feels good to offload how I feel with my husband, rather than writing it down on a blog. Both of us, like all of you are feeling the fatigue virtually a year on, but we still remain positive for the future, even if we don't always sound upbeat. Our priority is to stay safe, protect ourselves and our family and continue fighting for our future together. When I shout, express an opinion or let off steam; when I wear a mask, sanitise my hands every few minutes or try and keep two meters apart, it's because I want to see my partner again. I want my family to stay safe, my dreams to stay alive and above all I want to live my life again!

Whilst everyone else keeps safe on furlough, the rest of us have to work for a living! I think you may detect a note of bitterness in my voice, which would explain my current state of mind. I continue making my journey to work each morning, working in a job I love; the rest of the country, or rather those being paid to do nothing, sit righteously on their thrones moaning about new Tier 4 restrictions that came into force yesterday. May I humbly suggest they look at key workers and vulnerable people who are having to work in the most strenuous of circumstances and are doing everything to keep safe. I, for one, am 100 percent behind the Government and their attempt to stem the tide of this new strain of the virus and so should you - the selfish hoi polloi, who care only about themselves! Of course, I am not saying you are all uncaring and inconsiderate, but a good many of you are!

Listening to the news last night and this morning, I was horrified to hear just how easily spread the new strain of this virus is. You have a higher chance of catching this illness, a 70 percent increase to be exact and people are still acting as though nothing is going on. Walking through Commercial Road in Portsmouth over the last few days, you could be forgiven for thinking you are living through normal times, but in reality we aren't. This is a bloody pandemic and I fail to understand why people are rebuffing the rules. If I am honest, this was a frightening experience and I am so glad all the 'non-essential' shops have been closed.

Before the Governments announcement yesterday, putting Portsmouth, Havant, Gosport, London and whole swathes of the South East into the new Tier 4, which is essentially a lockdown in all but name, I did get the chance to briefly see my Father. At first, I was weary about seeing him, since he lives in a Tier 2 area and at the time we were in Tier 3, but for me, it was necessary to connect with him,  no matter how brief it was.

My Father has spent most of this year on his own, so soon after my Mothers death, which has been difficult for him and all of us. This pandemic has really shown just how important family is, and I am angry that I haven't been able to see him as much as I would have liked. Not wanting to risk his health, I spent the briefest of time in his company, before getting back on a train and travelling straight back home.

Dad did look rather frail and alone, which was sad to see. He is of course well able to look after himself, having been Mum's carer for twenty years, but the lack of contact between family is taking its toll on him. He hasn't been too well himself lately, and I am sure he would feel a lot better, if those closest were around him more often. Families have been ripped apart by this virus, in life and especially in death, and I was almost tempted to give him a hug, but stopped myself at the last minute.

Dad had asked me what I wanted for Christmas, as he does every year. I have everything I need, so just asked for something personal from him, that I could keep close, especially at this time. To my surprise he gave me my Mothers Wedding ring, which I could wear around my neck on a chain, a memento I will always cherish. Apart from photographs, I don't have many reminders of my Mother, so this will be a gift, that will ensure she always remains close.  He told me they had chosen the ring together before their wedding in 1967 and had paid the princely sum of £20.00 for it, a lot of money back then, akin to a weeks wages.

We talked briefly about the state of the country, politics and family and I wished him a Happy Christmas, hoping to see him early next year, although I will more than likely see him at Easter, when this Pandemic is finally under control. As the road blocks started to go up around Portsmouth today, I was reminded of the desperate times we are living though, and I am grateful for spending just a few moments with Dad, before the shutters once again go up!

The state of the UK at the moment is headline news, across the World and Darrell is naturally concerned at what he is hearing. I have asked him to take a more active role in sorting out our legal status at this time, contacting our Member of Parliament  and doing what he can from his end. This Christmas will be very different for us in Britain, however life continues in Australia, very much as it always has done.

The World remains madder than at any time I have ever known. Expressing my fears for the future, especially right now as the second wave really takes hold, Darrell was left aghast, about just what will be left, when this is all over. The different lives we are leading are so divergent, contrasting in every way, that I am not even sure we will know each other, when we see one another again.

No relationship can survive indefinitely from opposite ends of the planet, and it is important we are allowed to see one another soon. So I will end this entry today, as I began, by pleading with people to take notice of the new rules. I know how difficult it is to not see someone you love over Christmas, because I have been living it for over a year. Like Darrell and I, you just have to accept what is happening, stop worrying about a Christmas turkey and always remember there are people far worse off than you. Once you become resigned to your fate, all of us can finally work together and beat this bloody virus once and for all!

Yesterday all of us working at The Newcome Arms said farewell to our customers, as we closed the doors for the last time before Britain once again locked down. I have now been furloughed along with many others, until the Government tell us we can open again. Despite being sad at not being able to see regular customers and colleagues, I am grateful to be away from the impending second wave that is now gripping the country. With five hundred people dying yesterday alone, I am well aware of the dangers of this virus. It seems we could be in for a worse ride than we had before. I will of course still be working else where, but selling beer behind a bar is now an illegal activity, in this strange new World all of us now inhabit.

Saying goodbye to everyone yesterday was a difficult affair, just as it was the first time we closed. Not knowing how others are doing during this particularly challenging time, is going to be hard. It was a testing night overall and not an evening I want to repeat, but I am at least one of the lucky ones; I still have a job and I'm getting paid. If all goes to plan, we will be open again in four weeks, somehow, I don't think that will happen and the lockdown will probably last longer than expected. Until all of us meet again, we just have to make the best of a bad situation; this will not last forever.

I had to go into town this morning to do some banking and again, just like eight months ago, the place was deserted. The streets were clear, hardly anyone was about and shops and businesses were closed. Portsmouth looked like a ghost town and I felt like I had entered a different World. The city centre is usually busy, bustling and full of voices, teeming with life, especially at this time of year. Not knowing when this current lockdown will end is disconcerting, it is a rather disturbing scene to witness, a scene not dissimilar to movies I have watched in the past, documenting the end of the World.

Of course, I will still have contact with others, especially at work, but I am concerned about those who live alone. Particularly vulnerable, are people who were shielding during the first wave of the pandemic and are no longer required to do so. Many of them are choosing to stay at home anyway, for their safety; a difficult decision, but a welcome one. Isolation and despair are common symptoms at this uncertain time and that is troublesome for the more exposed in society. Walking around the quiet streets today, I also felt very much alone with my thoughts, able to contemplate the future and think about my own anxieties. This is going to be another solitary time for me and I will do my best to embrace it, as I did at the beginning of the year.

I hope to once again spend time walking across the city, but with Christmas coming work will of course take priority. The weather is cold and uninviting, not ideal for exploring this great naval city, but it is something I have to do, if only to stay fit, healthy and sane at this time. Being able to clear one's head, shake away the cobwebs and breathe in the sea air is a must. I am however mindful of my aches and pains and have to take care I am not over doing it. Unlike last time I will not be walking seven miles a day; when one is on one's feet all day at work, a little rest is probably more beneficial than a long distance walk in the rain.

Speaking to Darrell today I was conscious of the huge differences in the direction we are both following in our respective countries. Sat with his Mother, friend Beth, drinking a pot of tea outside Woolworth's in Perth, they were all enjoying a normal life. No masks, no social distancing, no hand sanitizing; all of us are living in significantly different Worlds. The contrast is stark and clear for all to see. How could two countries, both islands, do things so differently? One successful, in more or less eliminating the virus, the other, still suffering through inaction, dither, ignorance and a failure to understand the pandemic that is ripping across the World. I am astounded that Boris Johnson and his Government are not being held more accountable for such monumental failures of judgement and hope in time that will change. It is shocking just how many mistakes have been made.

The next few weeks and months are going to be difficult, as we all try and survive this winter lockdown. The pressures on the health service and the rest of us will undoubtedly take its toll, but it is up to each of us to stay safe and look out for one another. All of us hope this closure will only last until 2 December, but that of course depends on how we all act. In Australia, everyone understood the importance of social distancing, mask wearing and hygiene, here, people seem to be ignoring basic logic when carrying out their daily tasks. Whether they are belligerent with fatigue or confused by the Government's mixed messages up to now, nobody really knows, but their actions will cost lives. Now is the time to act responsibly and follow the rules and hopefully we can all enjoy the family Christmas we planned, looking forward to a pragmatic and hopefully productive new year!

I have always loved Christmas and all things festive, so decided to put up my little Christmas tree this Thursday. Yes I know it is far earlier than usual, but it has been such a horrible time recently, I just needed a bit of sparkle and colour in my life. Christmas has always lifted my spirits when I am down and with winter drawing in fast, it felt right to begin the festive celebrations early; there's nothing like a fairy light to put a smile on my face.

Of course Christmas this year will be a very different occasion, with only a few family members sitting around the table on Christmas Day and that is sad. I have personally been saving for Christmas since January, putting some money aside each week to ensure all of us have an enjoyable time, but the reality is, it just won't be the same and I will probably keep most of the money for another year, the year we finally get back to normal, when ever that is.

This Yuletide I have bought a multicoloured tree, partly to celebrate my homosexuality and in part the NHS, colours of the rainbow shining brightly at a time of darkness. The more vibrant the decorations the better, as I try and do all I can to remain positive and happy. My state of mind is literally riding a roller-coaster of emotions at the moment. I don't think there has ever been a time when I have felt so worn down. My health has suffered dramatically since lockdown in March; after the likely Coronavirus diagnosis I received in April, it has slowly continued to decline!

Today I am still feeling the after effects of what I suspect was COVID-19. I feel tired, dizzy and achy most days. Initially I put it down to old age and over work, but after speaking to several friends and colleagues who had the virus, it seems they are also suffering from very similar symptoms. This is concerning for me, and I am rather apprehensive about the future ahead. Just how long COVID lingers and the potential enduring effects, nobody knows, but Long COVID is very real and all of us should be aware of it, as we enter the second wave.

Most of the time I try and block out the realities of life, but there are periods when I sit and dwell about the future, this is the time when distraction helps me cope with the awfulness we are all currently living through. A simple  Christmas tree is a reminder of Christmases past, better times spent with Darrell, family and friends. Most importantly for me is the welcome end of 2020, consigned to the history books, as one of the worst years in living memory. A fake evergreen tree symbolising the circle of life, renewal and abundance, even when hope has all but disappeared, is as good as it gets right now; that is a small price to pay.

This is such a difficult interval for friends, family and colleagues; it has become almost impossible to spend any time with those closest. A select number of us had a few nibbles and chatted over a sausage roll and glass of lemonade. Always following the regulations and mindful of the importance of remaining safe during this pandemic, we wished Zerina congratulations on her special day. This was a strange occasion, not our usual party of volunteers, drinking the night away at Yan Woo, but It was nevertheless as memorable as any other evening, even if it was for all the wrong reasons.

Darrell and I also celebrated another milestone this week. This time last year, Darrell arrived in the UK from Australia, to celebrate his Birthday with me in Britain. This month-long stay would be the last time I would see him, before the Coronavirus Pandemic took hold across the World. Looking back, at such a happy time is difficult for me, but I just hope it isn't too long before we see each other again.

I heard from my Member of Parliament as well this week, still working hard to highlight our case. Keeping me updated on his communication with the Home Office, he explained that he still hasn't heard from the Home Secretary, apologising for the length of time it is taking to receive a satisfactory reply. We still have a few months to go, before panic sets in, and we have to rethink our plans, until then I will continue to look on the bright side and celebrate life and all its ups and downs!

Thursday I was able to spend a few hours with family, a brief respite from the lonely World we are all living in at the moment. I haven't seen my Cousins for a while, due to the Coronavirus situation and don't think it is appropriate to put anyone at risk, by mixing at a time when COVID cases are rising across the country. I am in contact with many people on a daily basis and consequently avoid those closest if I can. Last week I told my Father I wouldn't be able to see him for the time being, because of the spiralling pandemic and not wanting to put him at risk. It is difficult to describe how I feel about this deep down, but frustrated and angry would be an understatement.

I suppose my annoyance is primarily directed towards the Government, as you would expect. They have got so much wrong during this crisis, the list is endless, but safe to say, they have acted appallingly in implementing measures too late and been weak in their half-hearted response. I am still following my own rules, which are harder than the Governments. I firmly believe we should have locked down completely, so we can try and delay the spread of this deadly disease before the winter months kick in. if we don't act now, we will be back in the same situation we were in during the spring and summer, during the first wave of the pandemic and that would be a disaster.

Spending time with friends and family is important for our own well-being; without the physical and emotional support they need, many people are suffering unimaginable loneliness and depression. The pain all of us are experiencing could have been avoided, if only we had followed scientific advice from day 1 and closed this country down. The second wave is giving us an opportunity to finally do the correct thing, but once again we can't get it right, and will spend the next four months watching the number of deaths rise uncontrollably.

This may well be the last time I spend the day with family until the spring. As the new tiered system of alert is rolled out across the nation, it is likely Portsmouth will slip into new restrictions as and when appropriate. The death rate per 100,000 is higher here now than the national average and that is probably due to the return of students and young people ignoring the guidelines. I am sick of doing the right thing, only for others to break the rules. All students should be working remotely from home, they shouldn't have been allowed to return to campuses, spreading the virus to their peers and consequently to the rest of the local population.

Like seventeen million others, I have downloaded the new NHS Track and Trace App. I felt it was part of my civic duty to do so; being brutally honest, I am regretting it. The app itself is easy to use, just leave it alone and it will do its thing, but I am being constantly bombarded by notifications informing me of potential exposure to the virus.

Not only are these messages frightening me half to death, but they are also completely useless. They give me no tangible information to use for my own protection, and I am left feeling irritated and confused about the action I should take. As soon as I click on these reports, to find out more, they disappear and I am left even more bewildered than I was before.

Take today as a perfect example - I had to attend my Doctors surgery for a blood test and as directed I scanned the surgery QR code, alerting the app to my whereabouts. Standing waiting to be seen, I received a 'Possible COVID-19 Exposure notification. Unable to move from my designated spot, I had to wait my turn to be seen, knowing that I am standing near to someone with symptoms. For someone like me, who suffers from anxiety, I don't mind telling you, I was panicking inside; I felt sick to my stomach.

One would have assumed that someone who had reported symptoms, shouldn't have even been in the surgery in the first place, certainly not in close proximity to others, potentially exposing them to the virus. Surely frightening people by sending these alerts in the first place, especially if there is no risk, is insane. There is no clear advice about what to do in these circumstances and for a layman like me, I am left with more questions than answers.

I have received other similar messages from the NHS and have been left rather confused about their nature and how to deal with their impact. This is a new application and it will of course evolve over time, but it is important that the general public are given more information. If you are encouraged to do everything the Government asks of you, then the least they can do is get it right. A notification of potential exposure is useless, if you don't know the circumstances behind it. Walking past someone in the street is a bit different to being stuck in a GP surgery, unable to get away.

I have known many people who have downloaded the NHS application, only to delete it later because of the lack of clarity, disappearing notifications and constant bombardment of data, messages and disinformation. I am more than willing to play my part but for God’s sake contact me when I need to be, not when I don't.

This week Darrell and I became another seven days closer to seeing one another again, whenever that is. Our inability to see one another is taking its toll on both of us and I have been suffering from stress far more than usual. My anxiety levels have been gradually increasing since January this year, when COVID hit the headlines and it is unlikely to get any better soon. If my partner was here with me in the UK, things would be much easier to cope with, but we are where we are.

I am lucky to be in a relationship after twenty-five years; both of us have worked hard to overcome the difficulties we have endured, but there are others less fortunate, spending this period completely alone. Darrell and I are physically separated by 10,000 miles, but we are still very much attached emotionally.

Yesterday I phoned Mrs F, an older lady I befriended during the height of the pandemic, back in March. We are still in contact and I make sure I phone her when I can, to check that she is doing OK. Well our phone call yesterday suggested she wasn't faring too well and I spent longer than usual talking with her, offering advice and making her laugh. When I put the phone down, I realised just how lucky I am. I do have a family around me and a husband who I love, Mrs F is alone in the World and it is so important we look out for those who need it.

This bloody pandemic has been a strain on every one of us, but it has taught me the importance of friendship. As we enter this second wave I am mindful of the difficulties I face and intend to continue doing all I can to protect those closest. When we finally come out the other side, I hope I can look back and say I did the right thing, my conscience is clear and I feel stronger than ever, even if I wasn't always right. Do whatever you can to get through the next few months, things will get choppy for a while, but these days will surely end, as night turns to day!

Coronavirus knows no bounds and its latest victim is no less a person than Donald Trump, The President of the United States. When I woke up this morning, the World was just beginning to digest the terrifying news, that the leader of the free World had caught COVID-19. This was dreadful news for America, coming just four weeks before the Presidential election; Mr Trump will now have to self-isolate for fourteen days. Of course nobody can be sure just how this will pan out, but if he recuperates well, he should be back on the campaign trail in a fortnight. Despite my dislike of his policies, I wish him and the First Lady, who also tested positive, well.

It is ironic that a man who constantly criticised his opponent Joe Biden for wearing a mask, is now suffering due to his lack of precautionary measures. This is a man who only recently started wearing a face covering himself and it is likely he has infected others in his Whitehouse team. I find his handling of the pandemic appalling and his reluctance to wear a mask shocking, considering the huge loss of life in the United States. The next week will determine just how bad things will get for the President, he is after all in a high risk category; at 74 years of age he is clinically obese; nevertheless despite this, statistically he is likely to pull through. There is of course lessons to be learned for all of us and the hope is people will finally wake up to the enormity of the threat at hand.

All of us should follow Government guidelines and wear coverings in public spaces. Remaining at a safe social distance is also necessary to stop the spread of COVID and not mixing with other households is a must. I am not visiting anyone now, and I am keeping clear of everyone who I don't personally know. The only real contact I have with people are those I work with and close family, even then I am mindful of the situation we all find ourselves in and keep a safe distance.

I was able to at least see family this week and spent a few hours walking through the cemetery feeding the squirrels with my Aunt, Cousin Rachel and the kids. All of us met outside in order to limit as much contact as we can. As the Coronavirus total continues to rise, I am once again  becoming rather anxious about the difficulties we are now all facing; I want to do as much as I can to protect those around me. I haven't seen my Cousins for quite a while, so it was wonderful to just relax in their company for a short while.

On the theme of 'doing the right thing,' I have continued to get to grips with my health issues, that have become more visible recently. Yesterday I had a physiotherapy session, where I was referred for more blood tests, this time for Rheumatoid Arthritis and Ankylosing Spondylitis. The consultant believes I have symptoms consistent with both conditions and wants to rule them in or out before we carry on with the sessions. These are not diseases I know anything about and for the first time I haven't googled their symptoms. It is important to find out exactly what is happening with my general well-being now, as I approach my 50th year, and I am glad the Doctors are doing what they can to ensure I understand the nature of the pain I am now experiencing.

Darrell and I are keeping very much to our 'family toast' tradition each week and yesterday we had our usual photo together, taken on different sides of the World. 'Doing the right thing' and keeping our relationship alive under the most difficult circumstances is important, even today. In fact, we have spoken every day this week, which has helped our situation feel more normal.

At our age we are lucky to still have each other and understand the importance of our relationship, now more than ever. This pandemic has indeed been a terrible juncture in all our lives, but for Darrell and I, it has cemented our partnership firmly together. We have overcome so many obstacles during our 25 years together that we aren't going to let a virus get in the way of our happiness. When all this is over, we can at least add COVID-19 to our list of boundaries crossed and struggles conquered. As long as we continue 'doing the right thing' both of us will come together stronger than ever... Just like all of you, but until then we will continue to fight, learning from our mistakes, remembering the good times and always, always looking forwards!

I am currently in the middle of a two-week holiday from work. Darrell was due to fly to the UK for our 25th Anniversary last week, but as we all know, circumstances have prevented us being reunited after ten months apart. Like most couples in our position, we are doing what we can to make the most of our difficult situation. With the second wave of the pandemic sweeping through the country, it is likely we won't be able to see each other for a long time yet and are trying to work out a plan to overcome any worst case scenario. My Member of Parliament is on our case and after speaking with Darrell over the last seven days, I have suggested his West Australian MP also gets involved, hopefully working with mine and the Home Office to come up with an acceptable resolution for both of us. Only time will tell, if this strategy works!

Last Wednesday I went to see my Father, the first time I have seen him since the pandemic broke in March of this year. I am still very reluctant to be in his company; I have three jobs and mix with a lot of different people, so the risks of exposure I encounter every day are more than I would like. However, my Father had arranged for us to talk socially distanced, in his conservatory, and we had a lot to discuss.

I haven't seen eye to eye with Dad recently, so it was the perfect opportunity to make my views count and clear up a few misconceptions. We talked for a good few hours about a number of different subjects; for the first time in my life, I was able to explain my feelings about my life growing up gay and just how it had affected my mental well-being. To be honest, like most parents, I don't think he fully understood just what I went through as a child, nevertheless this was an important first conversation to have and it felt as if we had started to lay ghosts to rests.

It wasn't until recently that I realised just what role my past has played in my life, especially during the last few years. Many of the health issues I have now, begun during a particularly traumatic childhood; coming to terms with them, has pushed me towards finally confronting my demons. Despite this, their significance has remained a constant source of angst and become a brutal reminder of a past I would rather forget in most respects.

It was important to speak with Dad about topics rarely discussed, we still don't fully understand each others point of view, but have certainly started the process of moving forwards positively. There are many things I want to forget and this is just the beginning of that conversation. In time, I hope both of us will finally understand one another.

Darrell and I have always been inseparable, rarely spending anytime apart, despite coming from different parts of the World. Our biggest battles always revolved around remaining together, no matter what the circumstances. There were many milestones, that contributed to our outlook on life and despite the obstacles in our way, we never once considered giving up on each other.

I have always been a determined character and when I put my mind to something, I can achieve everything I wish for. As a gay man, I had to work harder than most to realise my dreams and more often than not, everything I did, no matter how hard I tried, ended in abject failure. The one aspect of my life I could always rely upon and be proud about, was my relationship, and the belief I have in partnership, between two individuals, no matter what their sexuality. I suppose I always looked towards my parents for an example in this regard, who remained together, despite what transpired in their life, up until Mum's death last year.

Darrell is a husband, but he is also a soul mate. We are very different personalities, but essentially our perspective on life is the same. Our relationship is the most important foundation; the Linch-pin that holds both of us together, even in the most arduous of circumstances. 'Lesser mortals' couldn't have endured the hardships we have and still remained the strong unit we are today. Together we can achieve anything we put our minds to, even if the ending isn't always as we would have liked.

It is true to say, we have failed more times than I care to remember, the resulting pain and anguish has always taught us much about human nature and more importantly ourselves, as we claw our way back to a semblance of normality once again. The process of fighting, struggling and resistance is often difficult to overcome, but no matter what the circumstances, we have always, without fail, managed to rebuild and restart our lives. Most of us have knock backs along the way, but when you consider our backgrounds, sexuality and lack of support, we have suffered more than most. Nobody told me how bumpy the ride would be when I met Darrell, if they had, maybe I would have thought twice, but the fact is, no one can tell you who to fall in love with; love does indeed conquer all.

I still believe in happy endings, and  hope we will live happily ever after, even when the odds are stacked against us. We will never have the security my parents enjoyed, and will always struggle for every penny we earn, but ultimately we can find peace together. Whether we are living in a caravan in Spain, a flat in a tower block or a tent in a field, we will have each other. The pull of dreams unfulfilled and the memories of times, when we did accomplish all we desired, the travelling around the World and people we met, lived, loved, cried and fought with, is a reminder of what it is like to live, really live and experience a life that others could only dream of.

When we speak to each other once a week, we can put the World to rights, discuss our hopes and fears for the future and encourage each other to do better. As we try and comprehend this strange new planet we now inhabit, positivity, strength of character and a desire to succeed, should gently push us towards a destiny where fortune prevails.... Even if it doesn't! All we need is time, a bit of luck and a belief in ourselves, then maybe, just maybe we'll be winners once again!