I had a busy day on Thursday; the sun was out on the hottest day of the year so far and there wasn't a cloud in the sky! With 34 degree heat on the cards, I decided to go on my daily walk, even earlier than usual, arriving in Southsea at about 8.30am. There were still a few people about grabbing their spot on the beach for the day, but by and large it was a quiet scene, ideal for taking in the coastal scenery for a brief moment or two, before the crowds descended.

Watching the news later in the day, I was horrified to see hundreds of thousands of people heading to popular tourist destinations like Bournemouth, ignoring social distancing measures and acting like Coronavirus had gone away. People, come on, what bloody planet are you on. This virus is still well and truly about and isn't going anywhere, yet you all continue to defy the regulations. I don't mind telling you all, that people are really getting me down. I am fed up with their ignorance and general lack of empathy for anyone but themselves.

Having just got back from town myself this morning, walking to the city centre at 10am, just to pick up some supplies from Holland and Barrett, I was astounded by the number of people queuing just to get into Primark and other such stores. The line of people stretched around the block and no one was social distancing at all. This is awful and a disgusting indictment on the British public. Why the hell can't we just do as we are told?

News headlines across the World were equally scathing about the scenes witnessed in Bournemouth and other beaches up and down the country. It felt like we were once again the laughingstock of the World, especially as our daily death rate was on the rise. On Thursday the fatality figure was 182, a ten-day high as the  figures from the previous two weeks began to filter down. This was of course no surprise for me, who already knew what was coming. The idiots on beaches, queuing to get into shops and not socially distancing are now causing real problems for our recovery from COVID-19 and with further relaxation measures coming into force on July 4th, it is likely these statistics will become even worse.

I am really at a loss for words at how this Country, Government and population have dealt with this crisis. We have failed at so many levels and it is shocking to see. Nobody seems to care any more, most think the virus has gone away and there is a lack of understanding of its impact on people and communities up and down the land. I am not sure how bad things have to get, before people take notice!

All of us are facing our own problems during this pandemic, so it was also nice to relax for a few hours in the company of family; following Government guidelines of course. The only people I see these days are close relatives and even then I keep my distance. It is difficult to really know just what we are allowed to do and what we aren't. There have been so many conflicting messages coming out of Downing Street, that many of us, don't know just what is acceptable and what isn't. This is part of the problem, there has been no cohesive messaging or comprehensive guidelines; the rules and regulations are complex and the public are rightly confused. Most people are now doing what they want and have just dismissed any involvement from the powers that be, due to their lack of leadership, misleading statements and failure to take responsibility for their actions!

I am lucky to have family around me; all of us are doing our best to get through the challenges we now face. It is disheartening to see others flouting the rules, but what can we realistically do? It is now up to us as individuals to do the right thing for our own families. Our representatives have failed us as a nation, we have to take charge of our own destinies, even if it does go against what we are being told. When measures are relaxed, if I feel they are wrong, I will do what I can to keep myself safe. I will continue to stay two meters from others, will avoid large shopping malls and will always do all I can to protect others..... Can you really say the same?

With lockdown restrictions eased and groups of six adults allowed to meet in open spaces, I have finally been able to see some of my relations again. On Saturday we travelled to see my Cousin Emmy in Hayling Island, suitably distancing when we had to but always following Government guidelines. Sadly it will be awhile before I can see my Father and other members of my family, but at least all of us have started the process of reconnecting with loved ones!

Stay safe everyone!

A big hug and congratulations to my Cousin Phoebe on her appearance on 'BBC Radio 1 Introducing.' Her performance was as flawless as ever; an amazingly creative young lady, who will go far in her career. Her unique voice, veristic writing style and relaxed personality is testament to Phoebe's grounded nature and confident manner.

Well done Phoebe, I look forward to following your career and hope to see you very soon!

Some more photographs from in and around Portsmouth, whilst out walking during this lockdown period. To be honest I have been feeling a little down recently and walking is the only thing that takes my mind off my troubles. I am finding life pretty difficult at the moment, probably like all of us. Without the support of my partner and a constant feeling of isolation, I am starting to wonder why I am still in Britain.

Having two weeks holiday and doing absolutely nothing, spending every day on my own predominantly has brought out the worst in me, as I try to work my way through the loneliness. The stress and anxiety that plays such a large role in my life has now become the focus of my thoughts, every day. When I wake up in the morning, I am constantly reminded of the things I hate about myself the most - my consternation, uneasiness, worries, apprehension and ailments; the niggling pains that give me even more reason to dwell on the negative aspects of life and the dreams I have failed to fulfil in life.

The last few months have been difficult because I have had more time than I can cope with. This week I should have been in Japan, visiting Osaka and Mount Fuji, instead I have been at home, alone with my thoughts and memories of better times. I am well aware, that over thinking is a fault of mine and I remain empty and wanting at the end of it. I am always left with more questions than answers, and I am often filled with regrets, 'what ifs' and frustrations that I just can't shake.

Usually I am in a much better  frame of mind than I am today, but I am not in the habit of lying about how I feel, so this blog is the perfect forum for telling the truth. I have always tried to be as honest as I can, when I talk about myself, it is the best way to offload any pressing worries. The anxieties I suffer today are a direct result of the circumstances I find myself in. The only time I am truly happy, is when I am with my husband; when you spend twenty-five years with someone, it makes it hard when you have to live apart. There are people far worse off than I, especially during this pandemic, but I do wish I could travel back a few years, when we lived in Spain together, finally living the life we both had dreamed of for so long.

If I had the choice, I would leave on a plane tomorrow to be with Darrell, not because I don't want to be here with family, far from it, this has been my saving grace. I love being with my Aunt and Cousins, but because I need to be with the person I love and without him, life has become meaningless, without purpose.

Reassessing one's life and making plans for the future, whilst walking around this great city, has become as much a part of life as going to work has and whether I like it or not, it is the foundation of my time now in Portsmouth. As the months roll on and both of us spend more and more time apart, I fear the negativity will continue to resurface from time to time. I do not thrive in such situations and try to wrestle with my own demons in order to move forwards with hope and a determination to do what is right. If I had to leave tomorrow, I would; I do whatever I can to remain sanguine during tempestuous times!

I'm just coming to the end of my few days off this week, and after a difficult time last week, I am finally feeling recuperated and ready for the next few days. On Thursday and Friday, as I made my way home from work, I was spat at by a rather dishevelled gentleman, who I have never seen in the local area before. Considering everything that is going on I felt sick to my stomach, at the thought of someone elses saliva on me. Luckily enough, I was able to move my elbow up towards my face, protecting me from the worst of it.

In most cases everyone is pulling together, but there is still an element that wishes to cause stress and anxiety for everyone else, and they succeeded in my case. When I got home from work on Friday I was pretty angry and took my anger out on other people. To be honest I really don't want to be around anyone at the moment, which is good considering we are all in lockdown. It is clear that certain individuals really shouldn't be mixing with the local community in any case and I just wish someone, somewhere would do something to stop the kind of anti-social behaviour, which is a blight on this city!

The Government has been encouraging all of us to get out and enjoy some exercise each day, despite the lockdown we are currently in. This has been an incentive for me to get up and do something I wouldn't usually do. I have never really been a great exerciser, but over the last week I have been out and about for at least an hour a day, getting to know Portsmouth and enjoying some much-needed physical exertion.

On Saturday I walked to Portsmouth historic dockyard, a place I have been many times before, but somewhere I never tire of visiting. The dockyard encompasses everything that makes Portsmouth special, it is after all a Naval city first and foremost and its connection to the sea is everywhere you walk.

Like the majority of the city, the landscape was desolate and empty with barely a soul in sight. I read an article on Saturday praising just how well Portsmouth has done in adhering to the lockdown measures introduced by the Government and it is easy to see why. The roads and parks are empty and people are following the rules unlike many other large towns and cities across the country.

There was understandably an eerie feeling across Portsmouth as I walked around, a sensation I am just not used to. I remember thinking to myself, that I would wake up from this nightmare and suddenly life would be back to normal, but sadly that just wasn't to be. This really is the 'new normal' now and all of us have to get used to living this way, at least for the foreseeable future. The streets may well have been empty, no longer full of voices, but there was a strange calmness, even in the face of a deadly virus!

On Sunday I walked a slightly different route, this time heading to Southsea Common and Clarence Pier. The funfair was a special place for me as a child, where I would go with Mum and Dad or my Grandparents. It looked sad and tired, closed and shut down with hardly anyone about, but it was a reminder that this venue, like so many others, will rise again one day, as all of us get back to the way things were.

Walking down towards the coast, early on a Sunday morning I was amazed by the reaction of those I passed in the street. There were just a few joggers and runners and others taking their daily walk, but everyone was happy to say hello, raise their hand and say good morning. That hasn't happened before, usually others pass you by without a second thought. The community feeling in the country right now is truly humbling, as all of us try to cope with circumstances we have never seen before.

On Thursday we did our third non touch toast as a family, celebrating each other at this time. With everything that is going on, it is important to remember those close, even if we can't see each other at the moment.

I have to admit I am finding the social distancing difficult, having not seen my Dad or anyone from my extended family for nearly six weeks now. The loneliness has become so extreme, I have become very insular, in a way I haven't since I was a teenager and that really does worry me. Not only am I beginning to resent people, but I am purposely avoiding conversations.

Depression has also become a growing concern, as I navigate this new, untested way of living. Despite getting out as much as I can, soaking up the early summer sun, I want to get home as quickly as possible, only spending an hour outdoors. The long term effects of this lockdown will be vast and wide for all of us and I hope we all learn to live with our families, friends and neighbours once again when this is all over.

Today the weather was a little drab and overcast, so I went for a brisk hour walk around the local neighbourhood, something I haven't really done while I have been here. It was truly heart-warming to see nearly every house, celebrating the work of our National Health Service, in fighting Coronavirus. The colourful pictures of rainbows was amazing and an important sign of the times. It did at least allow me to recall happier times, spent with friends and family, before Coronavirus, before the planet turned sour.

Finally, I went for a stroll around the cemetery, which was oddly tranquil in these stressful times. Just to reinforce the COVID era, a funeral was taking place, with just four mourners and everyone wore masks. Nothing is normal any more, the difference is stark, observing the 'new normal' that now envelops all our lives!