From late 1994, to 1995, for about six months Myself and a group of people lived in a large house, in Bitterne Park; we called it the Mansion.  To be honest I think that  name was rather tongue in cheek.  It may well have been a beautiful house at one stage, it was nothing but, when we moved in. The house was built in about 1901 and was Mock Tudor in its outward appearance. There was a large sweeping drive, up to the entrance, `with balcony above.  There was a huge lounge, a dance room, a 1970s kitchen, bright blue with mirrored tiles.  There were also five bedrooms, with a second kitchen upstairs and a lift.  No longer working, but still there.

A group of us moved in,  all gay. At the time I was about 24 years old and had just finished University.  None of us were working, and we were just enjoying life.  Actually a little more than enjoying, we were experiencing life in its full glory, to excess, without exception!

We moved in, in 1994, it felt a bit like a 'Gay Commune.' I suppose all of us had experienced discrimination at one time or another, and living together as a group of Gay men and women, felt like a good thing to do, sort of safety in numbers if you will. One always starts out with all good intentions, when setting foot on a new adventure. Generally those good intentions, remain just that, good intentions!

At the time, we had become heavily involved in the Southampton Gay Scene, and all that entailed!  Excess in all areas of our life was usual.  The 1990s on the Scene in Southampton, revolved around drugs and it did seem as though everyone was taking something at one time or another.  Things were strong too, which is probably why I don't remember much about that time.

If anyone who remembers The Mansion reads this and remembers something different, or something differently, do let me know.  My mind isn't what it used to be!

It was easy to obtain whatever you wanted back then.  Although when I look back, with a cost of fifteen pounds a pill, and no one working, I have no idea how we afforded to eat and live, let alone sustain such a lifestyle.  When you do ten tablets a night at a cost of fifteen pounds each, on benefits of about ninety pounds a fortnight, you can see there is an immediate discrepancy.  We always managed somehow.  Back then it was amazing how many times ones 'Giro' went missing, through the post, and we had to claim another one.

The Magnum Club closed at 2am. We would always go to the club first, hand out fliers or tickets, and from the early hours of the morning onwards, the partying would just continue.  DJ's from The Magnum would play at the house, as well as others from London and beyond.  At its height I guess there were over 300 people in the house, continuing to party into the following week.  Cars used to jam Cobden Avenue, and I remember the Police were called on a number of occasions.  It was a detached house, but due to the amount of traffic, people ended up in neighbours gardens all the time.

They were funny times.  Climbing into one room, through a cat flap type door, smoke everywhere, no room to sit, people everywhere.  I remember we used my ex-partners 'Gay Times' collection, to do a collage on the lounge wall.  The Landlord was less impressed.  The strange person who used to live in the conservatory, who we never saw.  When he finally left, we found needles, used needles everywhere.  It really was like a scene from 'Train Spotting' in that conservatory. Open tins of rotting food, in fact food we had bought, which this guy had stolen from our kitchen.  Ah the kitchen, used to flood every time we turned the washing machine on.  Tins and packets of food floating around in the mess.  Cooking burgers in the upstairs kitchen,  when the window fell out, smashing through the room below. Blow-drying one's hair so much, as gays do. the fuses blowing constantly! Getting lost in the garden, which was so big and unkempt that it took a day to find one's way home! Finding a room we hadn't discovered before and seeing a ghost, in fact often seeing a ghost.  Those are the only real memories I have of that time, others may have more.  The times always seemed good, though a know from experience, they were not.  One tends to block out the bad!

Like all good things, everything has to come to an end, with a Mansion 'Final Party'. In all honesty I do not remember that final one, at all.  We only lived there six months, but they were the most excessive, exorbitant, boundless and self-indulgent times of my life.,  During those six months, I aged rapidly, looked ten times older than I was and looked drawn and haggard, I was exhausted.  In fact, I think every one of us who lived there at least, were scraggy, scrawny and tired!  Six months is not a long time, but when you are constantly partying and recovering,  It is too much.  When I think back, partying for three or four days, with a further three days to recover, we really did not have time, or indeed the energy to work. Our lives had become centred around a time of exuberance, and we lived it every day.  You know the programmes on TV, looking back at certain years, well, I need those to remind me, what I had missed between 1994-5.  I had no idea what was going on in the outside world, nor did I care!

The Mansion was boarded up shortly after we had all left.  The place had been flooded at some stage and I know a fire took hold shortly afterwards.  I am glad we were the last people to live there.  Although it was only for a short while, they were times that were more memorable than most of which came before or after.  I remember doing some research on the house, long after we had left.  The last person to live there, before it was turned into an HMO, was a Lady who used to work on the Queen Mary. She became disabled later in life and died through drowning, in a pond at the rear of the garden.  I guess she was the ghost.  By all accounts, she was a party goer in her youth as well.  Different types of parties I'm sure.  

The memories of that time will always be fond, grow less and less each year, but I am glad I was part of that.  I'm glad that I still get asked about those times, I'm glad, that for all of us who were there, we still continue to talk about, reflect upon and try to replicate those times.  They were probably the last great parties of an era that was excess fuelled, but they were full of happiness and love towards each other, unlike those who pale into comparison today!

Of course, I also met my current partner Darrell there, so those times have double the significance in my life!

PARTY ON!

During the beginning of the naughties, Darrell and myself bought a number of properties up north.  We bought a holiday home in a village called Sough, near Barnoldswick in Lancashire. It was close to the Yorkshire boarder; the village was tiny. In fact, it was so small, it appeared on very few maps.  It had no shop or pub, but it was quiet and peaceful.  Darrell and I escaped there whenever we could, whilst running the business. 

We bought the property in 2001.  A lady who worked in our restaurant, suggested we went and looked at a property, on the same road, she lived in. She knew we were looking to buy an investment/holiday home, and thought this house would be perfect. I had bought a similar property a little while back, to let out, not far from Sough.  At the time, property was cheap and easy to come across, so we went to look at it.

The house was perfect really, so we bought a third house in one year.  Yes I was manic, yes I was OCD, yes I do these things when I am on a high.  It then gave me something else to spend money on.  I could now spend more money doing Clifton Street up, and sure enough I did!

Up until 2004, Clifton Street was purely a holiday home.  When we left our business, we moved to Southampton, but never considered moving up north.  When I became ill in 2004, Darrell thought it would be the perfect place for us to move to.  It was quiet, ideal for recovery and away from temptation and influences that were not the best to be around. We made the decision, to move lock, stock and barrel, to Lancashire!

I'm not quite sure how to describe the feeling of leaving one Country and travelling to another.  You know that first initial, WOW, this is so different.  Well that's the feeling I had, every time, every day, always, when I lived there.  It is a completely different world.  The scenery in Lancashire and Yorkshire is beautiful.  Much better than we are used to, down south.  Unable to drive, I would have to walk through fields, dry stone walls and rolling hills, to get to the next village. When I opened my curtains in the morning, all I could see were lush green hills and cows, loads of cows.  If I was seventy years old, I would have been happy as Larry, but I wasn't.

The area itself, was full of  old cotton mining villages.  Sough was on the outskirts of these industrial areas, areas such as Burnley and Nelson!  It was on the outskirts of Yorkshire and had been in both Counties at one time or another.  Most people liked to think of themselves as Yorkshire men.  It was more desirable, a bit of a snobby thing!

The people, now what can I say about the people.  Apart from the few  we knew, there was only a brief hello to anyone else in the village.  The majority of those in the there, were old, traditional and anti change.  I remember being told of the day a black couple bought a shop in the nearby village of Earby.  There was such an uproar from the locals, that everyone boycotted the new shop and it was closed within two weeks. When I look at it logically now, I can see that being so close to that BNP stronghold of Burnley, I really shouldn't have been so surprised by the locals actions. Nevertheless, it was unsettling, and not something I was used too.

The Northern accent reflects northern nature.  The long-drawn-out sentences, the monotone speech, the extended vowels.  The local people and pace of life was slow, very slow.  There were no jobs in the area.  homeowners were either elderly or second homeowners. Public transport was non-existent and the locals did not like newcomers, especially two gay men, from down South.  For a while it was fine.  We decided to say we were two brothers if asked. We did not want the hassle. I know now that was a mistake.  Of course people found out we were homosexual in the end and it did become uncomfortable, especially for me.

Darrell was working for The Duke and Duchess of Devonshire, just over the boarder in Yorkshire.  To be honest the wages were not that great at the time, but life was cheaper, we did not have huge rent or mortgage to pay and yes things were less stressful.  Darrell also worked nights, so I spent a lot of time on my own. There were no friends to speak of, and the isolation for both of us became intolerable.  I was getting hassle from the locals about our homosexuality and the friends we did have, had become distant.  It was the wrong area and community for us to live in.  As Southerners, we did not fit in.  The pace of life was far too slow and the people were hard, right wing and racist.  It was time to go.

We made the decision to leave in 2006 and come back to Southampton.  Our experiment, living up North had been partially successful.  I was well, so after two years we moved back.  I will always miss certain aspects of my time in Lancashire, but would never live there again, It truly is different!  The memories I have, are of recovery and relaxation, but sadly we had very few good times.  We no longer see anyone from that time, which shows more about the misconception that Northerners are far more welcoming, they are not, or rather that is our experience.  The friends we have in Southampton are far and above the best we have had in a long time.  Save the North for your old age, and even then, think twice!

Today I am blogging in bed.  I am really unsure about what to write about what happened yesterday.  When you have Bipolar, people will always read the worst into what you write, judge you and 90% of the time, think you are once again entering another period of instability.  What happened yesterday is the truth, as weird as it seems.  There are people around me most of the time now, so they can be witness to any 'insanity', that may or may not arise. It is a sad fact, that after the last two years, I now have the need to produce proof, for anything that may happen.  If I had to explain this one to my psychiatrist, she would be horrified.  It reminds me of The Princess Diana incident in 2004, which is another story.  

Here goes!  I was spending the afternoon with a large fury animal, Natalee in a onesie, with matching tail.  Even the cats were scared!  We were having a few beers and were looking for Military style suits for the wedding.  I received a message from someone I know in a professional capacity;  I have always had the utmost respect for her.  The message did not sound like her at all.  She asked if I was well enough to receive a message; yesterday was a great day.  I have turned a corner  and have been in a much better place for the last week, unsure about the reasons for the question, I said all was well.  An apology  was made right at the beginning, for contacting  me, but the lady who was with her, was doing her head in.

She told me, she was a Medium.  You must bear in mind, I had known her in a professional capacity for about seven years.  She had never told me this before, and probably never would have, except for her current circumstances.
'Vi???'
'She wants you to look closer within, to see what matters'
At this point, I did not understand her at all.  The conversations I have had with her in the past were just not comparable!
'She keeps showing me a pocket watch, saying time is all you need. Plus, the blue necklace doesn't go!, pearls please!'
By this time I was totally confused and asked her if she had taken drugs. It was gobbledygook!
'Nope no drugs! A beautiful lady called "Vi" be it violet or Vivian has been on my case for 3 weeks! Tell him tell him!!! Etc... She's laughing now; I know you know who she is??'
More confusion than ever, so I gave her a ring!

My Nan died a few years ago, she was 89, Liverpool Irish, Catholic, feisty, opinionated and in her youth a very glamorous Lady. She had great Christian faith and as a rule, would never believe in those who claimed to be contacted by the dead. Personally, I am agnostic, very spiritual and have seen several Mediums in my time. I have always had an open mind on such matters, but for some reason, I could not get my head around this. Maybe it was because I had known the person in a very different capacity and I could not marry this position with the role of a Medium. I have no idea!

I spoke on the phone to her for about twenty minutes.  She explained that my Nan had been with her for about three weeks.  She described her perfectly, telling me the perfume she wore, through the smell, that she sensed.  She mentioned a diamond and sapphire necklace.  Wear the pearls, not the diamonds.  I have no idea what that means.  I have racked my brains, but to no avail.  To be honest I thought she was taking the piss by this point!

Your Nan will visit you tonight, but you have to want to see her.  She described what to do, and I would see her.  'She has a message.'  OK, I was freaked out by now.  If this had come from anyone else, I would say they were trying to put me back into a relapse situation.  This person has no reason to do that, no motive, nothing.  Everything she said would suggest my Nan was there.  When I went to bed last night I took a sedative, refused to believe and passed straight out!

I have seen a Medium in the past.  A Lady from Salisbury, called Terry Day.  She is a jewellery reader.  In the main she was spot on.  There were one or two questionable things, but that was nothing like this.  Yesterday there were specific things that were too close for comfort.  

My open mind, does not mean I believe everything I am told, far from it.  What it does mean is I am open to different ways of thinking, and I am willing to listen.  What should one do under these circumstances?  Something inside wants to believe it, but something keeps pulling me back.  When I had my Near Death Experience, I was completely shell shocked at what I saw. It changed my outlook on life, but to an extent you will always dismiss what you can't comprehend.  If one does not understand something, one will always block it out.

Bipolar is also a major stumbling block.  During my current relapse situation.  I am far more vulnerable, open to suggestion and unable to concentrate and compute information in the same way. People do take advantage of people with a mental illness.  Darrell has drummed this into my head before.  Darrell the biggest sceptic and judge of people I know.  This type of thing would have been dismissed out of hand, which is why I got him to phone the Medium.

When he got off the phone, he was as white as a sheet.  He said he truly believed my Nan was there, and he needed me to believe it.  He actually became the believer I became the sceptic.  I know I am of sound mind as I write this.  I know I do not have mania.  I have seen and heard things before that for me were very real, but  in reality I am accepting, were part of a damaging Bipolar cycle and did not happen, so my mind is confused on this whole episode.  As I lay here in bed, waiting for my Nan to turn up I feel a total sense of  bewilderment and puzzlement.  My mind has wandered away from my wedding to spiritual matters and that scares me.  I have been in similar situations before, not quite like this, but it has left me in a terrible state.  When my relapse happened, Jason became my carer and was told to protect me from harmful influences.  Is this harmful? Or is it really my Nan wanting to pass on an important message?  I have no answers.  Really I should switch back to reality, but at the moment I don't quite know what reality is any more!

Thank you to Jay Greaves and Natalee for their patience last night.  It was good to have laughter to detract from all this madness!  It helped loads!

On 22 September 2015  Darrell and me intend to be married, on the same date we met, twenty years before.  At this time, a positive focus is a good thing; the twenty-year anniversary is important, it gives meaning to a day, which should above all, be full of personal significance.  So many people use Wedding Planners and have very little input into their own wedding; that is sad.  Every person there will have left, or are still leaving positive tangible marks in our life and many have suffered or battled in the same way we have.  Close bonds are formed through common experiences.  Many have been with us at difficult times and others have been with us from day one.  There will be family who matter, relations from abroad and friends from College. Sixty-three people, who enriched our relationship, sixty-three people who are important.

I have personally never been to a gay wedding.  I like the fact we can choose to have a very personal service; there are no set rules and it's success will be due to its informality and unique structure.  I have chosen two people to sit with me as family -  Sara and Nils.  These two people saved my life literally,  If it wasn't for them I would not be here today. My oldest and dearest friend, Nathan Tasker will be my Escort on the day; someone who cares deeply and is like a brother to me.  My Best Man, Jay Greaves is there because he is someone I deeply care about.  Someone I was told to distrust, yet a person who is the most trustworthy of people I have ever met.  He has been with us through some awful times and stopped the bad from trying to cause harm!

Marc Archer and Keith Harris - We have known these two for nearly twenty-five years. During the 1990s they had a drag act called the Tampettes.  They are reforming, for our wedding to entertain us and our guests; you can't get more personal than that. That will be a treasured memory, for many years to come. Natalee, the most important woman in our life, has arranged and is taking part in a Burlesque show.  A display of comedic, exotic dancing, that she is even training for.  An arrangement for the day with her friend Loretta Lebonk.

Mary Mac, who in my opinion the best Drag Artist in the world, will also be performing. When I saw her on stage, I instantly knew she was perfect for the day, she is extremely funny, has a great voice and kickbacks to be proud of, who could ask for more. The Reception will be at The London Hotel, in Southampton.  A long association with the local gay scene, it is part of mine and Darrell's gay heritage. Above all, the day will be Informal, intimate, deeply individual and a bit peculiar.

Darrell and I have been here before, long before Gay Marriage was legal.  In 1998 we had a 'Rite of Blessing', given by a Church of England Vicar, at The Quaker Hall in London Road, Southampton.  

A 'Rite of Blessing' has no legal standing in law.  It was the only way of showing commitment sixteen years ago for a Gay couple.  For us it was about pushing boundaries and fighting for equality, at a time when things were beginning to change. As Gay men we were just emerging from a deeply damaging and unequal time.  We had fought to change the law.  We were one of the first gay couples, with a foreign national partner, to be allowed to remain together, as a couple, after a change in the law by the new Labour Government.  We worked with Stonewall, Members of Parliament as well as local Councillors, just to remain in the Country we chose to live in.  It was a liberating time!

I'm not sure gay people have the same things to fight for any more.  Times are very different.  Gay people no longer campaign or fight, which is sad.  I was happy to grow up as gay, at a time of change for our community and even happier that our relationship was part of that pioneering era.  I have no idea what the next twenty years will bring, but whatever it is, we both aim  to be at the forefront!

You know what, this is the first day I finally feel different.  I have never been truly able to describe how medication works.  It either does or it doesn't. Something just clicks into place. This could be the turning point for me. Positivity has returned, after a long break away, trapped in this relapse and the confused thoughts of a complicated mind!

The 26 April 2015 is a great day, hopefully the end of a dreadful cycle of self-destruction and the start of a new cycle of strength and positivity, for however long that lasts.  I have to say I was really worried for a while.  I just didn't think these bloody pills would work.  They have taken a long time to bed in. The longest ever. I am awake far more hours than not now and starting to get up at reasonable hours of the day.  It is the beginning, but I have a feeling, things can only get better.

Medication is not the only thing that brings positivity.  The only people, friends and family left in my life now are my saving grace.  This has been the longest period of drama free confidence I have had for probably two years.  Positive people breed happiness!

I am not used to being cared for.  I knew this would be something I'd have to accept for my own safety and future.  Darrell could not have done more for me.  When I really needed him most he was there, battling for me, us and our future.  He has rationed and administered my meds perfectly.  I should have no part to play in that process, he knew that.  A Caring Assessment will also insure he is looked after too. Darrell suffered as much as me, and more.

Darrell you have shown, beyond a doubt just how much you love me.  You have been there all through this.  Battling just makes us stronger and closer;  I am really proud of you and will be even prouder when we are married,  The impending Marriage has also helped me focus on the next 20 years.  So many people are doing so much to insure this wedding will be unique and personal to us.  Marc Archer and Keith Francis, reuniting your drag act for us has really meant the world. After initial doubts, I am glad Loretta Lebonk and Natalee Michelle are going to put on a Comedy Burlesque act we can always remember.  You are giving up your time for us, that is special.  Very special!

Dale Douglas, one of my oldest friends.  You will forever remain a great source of strength, when I needed it most, once again I will never forget that.   The Bunday Brothers - Chris you got me through that crucial first week and Kiefer you have written words that I never expected.  You are fantastic lads with hearts of gold! Jay Greaves you have proven yourself to be a real battler.  Your success and kind words have given me a boost at a difficult time for many of us!  To have faith in someone is important. Never be afraid to say you care.....I always will!

Thank you, Sara Bowgen for contacting Doctors for me and going that extra mile.  You are kind of like that authority figure, who always says the right things at the right time. Jamie Hough and Kirsty Hooper.  Your laughter to the point of elation has lifted me above the line of depression at the worst of times!  Always smiling, despite all you have been through was a real push towards recovery for me.

Natalee Michelle, there from day one of that relapse and still here now, without condition.  Says it how it is, has never left my side, feisty and loyal, cook, cleaner and conversationalist, at a time when you are just about to complete University, shows how strong, caring and bloody minded you can be.  Forever grateful and in your debt!

Darrell Martin - What a ghastly thing, to watch your partner go through.  My loss of dignity and your prompt action, to have me arrested, probably saved my life.  Never forget that.  That was an awful evening, but showed just how ill I was. It needed to happen.  A partner becoming your carer is hard to accept, but without that help, I would be in an even worse place.  Watching me take medication again and drifting into sedation for my own good, with tears in your eyes was my biggest failure.  I have to accept I have a chronic illness and will always be on medication, as we both will accept eventually.  I lost much by taking that pill again, my emotions, reality and feelings of freedom, but you have accepted that we have no other option.  At least during those eight months off medication, we have those precious memories. That is worth all the pain and anguish!

Thank you to Oxfam for all your support. From my Assistant Manager, my staff and my Manager Veronica, who cried with me and to Human Resources and my Union, I am truly thankful for all your concern and complete dedication, to get me back to where I was.  When you work for good people it is a godsend at times like this.  It allows me to be sure of complete recovery, without financial and emotional worries!

To everyone else thanks for all your support.  It is hard watching someone with Bipolar, especially after a complete relapse, but words of encouragement from people like Melissa King and old schoolmate Rachel Wyatt have meant all the difference,  You stuck with me and that is more than I can say for members of my own family,  Blood is never thicker than water!

Most importantly thank you also to my Cousin Joe Uttley, who I care for deeply.  To say how you wished I was your Brother really made me cry.  Whatever happens, you are my true brother, I will always try to look out for you.  I couldn't give a f*ck what you do. You are my real family and yes  Joe, I will always keep it real,  You know that!

Writing this blog has also been a healing experience.  Words are good for the soul and a great way of offloading stress,  I have had so much encouragement and kind words from all sorts of people, it has been a great source of hope. No nasty comments or drama fuelled words.  How unusual but very welcome.  I will never go back to a time that will forever remain a stain on my life and a living reminder to do better in future!

Finally feeling the love.  Thanks to everyone!

Ah money - What a strange relationship I have with money;  From my earliest memories, I remember, I never had much money and to be honest never had a need to deal with it, in the same way other kids did.  I was given no pocket money as a child and as a consequence, never had to save.  I never had a bank account as a child, because there was no need. I truly believe that if lessons were given in School, on how to deal with finances, this would go a long way to helping children deal with the day-to-day  need, to have a good level of understanding of successful financial Management.

Bipolar brings another difficulty into sound financial understanding and planning.  It has been the biggest factor in my success and failures in life.  I have always been a person who likes to spend, spend, spend.  Not having a lot of resources as a child has been responsible for a binge and purge ethos where spending is concerned.  When I have it, I will spend, in fact even when I don't I will.  I do not understand the concept of 'Saving for a rainy day' or 'putting a little aside each month'.  

I only really noticed there was a problem, when I went to University.  Within the first year I had run up two huge overdrafts and maxed my credit cards.  I was spending money like it was the last day on earth.  I had a cheque book and unlike today, each cheque could be guaranteed up to £50.00.  I was often cashing cheques in The Student Union Shop or the local co-op!  I remember a representative from the bank turning up at my house early one morning.  My spending had got so out of control they wanted my cheque book back.  I just went to my room, ripped out half the cheques and handed the rest to a rather stern looking gentleman, gave him a wry smile, and he left. I know now during very Manic periods I would spend out of control.  There was a lot of Mania, a lot of spending, a lot of debt at University.  

The next time I really noticed there was a problem, was when I ran my own business. It actually wasn't the next time there was a problem, but rather when I started to notice there was a real problem.  I took on a business without thinking through the consequences of my actions.  I opened up a Business Bank Account and for a short while things went well. I owned a garage, shop and restaurant, which  relied heavily on passing trade.  So when road works began on the dual carriage way passing my business, we were doomed!  As Darrell said, 'I am probably the most unlucky person he has ever known!'

I was taking ever larger amounts of drawings, which the bank mistook for the business doing well.  I certainly wasn't going to tell them any different. I was given more and more lines of credit, totalling well over £150,000.00 at one stage.  I was borrowing money to keep the business going.  Credit and cash were easily obtainable at the time, so I was really just doing what everyone else was doing.  I bought a brand-new car, took three holidays a year and even went further.  During one manic phase, after watching a programme on Morning TV and discovering you could buy a house in a pub, as easy as a pint,  I went up to a place called Nelson in Lancashire and bought a house, because I could.  We then bought a holiday home just down the road from Nelson and also bought a house in France called Le Choix.  

Now being financially illiterate, I was using all the takings from the three businesses, to fund an extremely lavish lifestyle, travelling to New York, Italy and Malaysia in one year alone, on top of the three houses we had bought.  I was such a spend thrift, I got addicted to Shopping Channels, in fact I would buy anything I saw, just because I had the resources to do it.  Of course one can't keep on spending £5000.00 a week, without the business doing well and making money to pay for my mania.  There were ever-increasing lines of credit, an overdraft totalling thousands and another illogical decision to invest thousands in the Stock Market, without knowledge of the Businesses I was investing in.  It was just like picking names out of a hat.  Still, I was on a high and it all made perfect sense to me.  Unlucky me strikes again. I invested £2000.00 in Marconi shares, a few weeks later, they collapsed.  Being the unlucky person I was, I invested around £20,000.00 in total exactly one week before 9/11.  The markets crashed and I lost the lot.

My Accountant was useless.  Charging me £1500 a month, well this was Salisbury and dodgy useless Accountants don't come cheap.  Either I was good at hiding the mounting debt or he was really that bad that he couldn't see it.  Anyway things just went along as usual, more spending, Holiday's to France once a month and expensive jewellery from TV shopping channels.

I suppose I knew the end had come, when Darrell had to remove £10,000.00 from his credit card to pay the staff wages.  I just kidded myself it was a temporary blip.  More money removed each month to pay the wages.  I was paying Darrell £30,000 a year, I had a full time chef and ten other employees, because I was too busy spending, to work myself.

I had become extremely ill, weighed 7 stone and was getting worse by the day.  My debts totalled a quarter of a million pounds and my stress had reached dangerous levels.  I remember working in the kitchen of the restaurant one hot afternoon.  I felt so weak and collapsed.  By all accounts I had a mild stroke.  My Doctor told me if I did not give up the business I would be dead within the year.  Now mania makes you do things in the most destructive way possible. I did a runner, left the business and just walked away, picking up the pieces later.  I could not deal with the legalities behind bankruptcy at the time, so buried my head and became extremely depressed.  A shadow of my former self, I was Unable to work through illness, Darrell became the bread winner, and we had to survive on a less than a tenth of what we did before.  It was a dark time for us, I can admit that now; It was time to be admitted to Hospital. From 2003, really up until 2010, the process of diagnosing Bipolar began.  It was such a long time, with many medications and highs and lows, it was truly painful!

I am still a nightmare with money.  The last two years we wasted £10,000.00 on a lifestyle where those we trusted just took as much as they could.  I am glad that happened.  We had to learn for ourselves just how bad these people were.  I may have lost money, but I regained my life and the battles I fight now are real, not petty lies and dramas used to cause harm to others.

Still learning the value of money! Still making mistakes, still battling! That's life.  At least I'm doing it with the man I love!

I have always been interested in Politics, ever since I was a young child.  My father was a member of The Labour Party and was quite often involved in local politics at one level or another,  He stood for Council on numerous occasions and was extremely vocal about his opinions.   I suppose his Socialist beliefs came from his Mothers Liverpool/Irish family roots. His Mother, my Grandmother herself was really a Conservative, helping to vote Margaret Thatcher in, during the 1980s, although as time moved on, she claimed to have switched to Labour.  I have my doubts myself, after having conversations about Politics, without my father present.  If you didn't support his view, you would know it.  He was nasty and really took arguments to the extreme. I went to the Election night counts several times with him and was hooked straight away; I loved Politics.  I also loved Margaret Thatcher, helping to vote her in.  In fact, I don't think Dad even knew that.  Let's hope he doesn't read this then!

When I left home I became more of a Socialist myself.  I was mixing with very different people.  No longer the Middle Class Hampshire suburbs, but rather the urban, inner City, Multicultural and underprivileged  groups, my father had fought so hard to help. My Politics now reflected my circumstances.  I joined the Anti-Nazi League in the early 90s with an ex partner.  We went on a rally to Southampton Common, the Jewish part of the cemetery had been vandalised;  It was very sad to see.  Swastikas were sprayed on every stone, as far as the eye could see. A high proportion of the Headstones had been smashed to pieces and even the ground where the bodies lay, was disturbed and left in such disarray, it bought tears to my eyes!

I knew Politics was the path I wanted to take in life;  I even wanted to become an MP. I was studying Politics and Social Policy at University and I really thought I had a good chance, of becoming everything I desired. That soon changed dramatically and quickly!

Getting involved with the wrong people, will always be a recipe for disaster.  That one partner who wouldn't leave me alone, who stalked me to the point of saying, OK, I will go out with you.  Someone so obsessive, he used to stay outside my bedroom window for hours, trying to attract my attention.  For me it was easier just to say 'yes'.  I lived with a houseful of people who were becoming equally disturbed by his behaviour and my life was becoming unbearable.  By saying yes I really had sealed my fate,  I got involved in the Southampton Gay Scene in a big way.  With it came the advantages of friendship and common cause, but there were a lot of downsides.  Living a Scene lifestyle 24/7.  Getting involved in drugs, meeting the worst of people and of course falling further behind with studies at University.

I finished University, graduated in 1994 and then got so heavily involved in the gay scene, the course I was going on to do, was just too much and I gave up.  I suppose at this point, my interest in Politics was now at its lowest.

I met Jason in 1995.  My interest in Politics was returning.  We were living under a Conservative Government, with no Policies designed to allow a same-sex couple to stay together.  Our De Facto relationship had no standing in law, so between 1995 and 1997 we yo yo'd between Australia and The United Kingdom.  

I remember watching the Election results come in, during that 1997 Election.  We were living in Perth, Western Australia at the time, and I remember the excitement of Tony Blair becoming Prime Minister.  Of course ABC were more concerned about how Cherie Blair looked the morning after.  She did look frightful to be honest.  Crucially, Labour had won the Election and they had made a  promise of reforming the law relating to Same-sex relationships with a foreign national.

We flew back to The UK shortly afterwards and began the long process  of trying to stay together, proving our relationship was valid, narrowly avoiding deportation, the expense of Barristers and judicial reviews.  It was a tense time...  Eventually a new law was bought in during October 1997, and we could at least breathe a sigh of relief. Things would be hard, but we were one of the first couples allowed to remain together under a new law passed by a Labour Government.  We couldn't be happier!

As the years have passed and times have changed, I have changed my Political leanings dramatically.  I spent a period running my own business during the Blair years.  I saw my taxes rise, red tape hit an all-time high and my business slowly full apart.  All because of a Labour Governments attitude towards those of us, who wanted to get on in life. There were so many hurdles to jump, that the business finally collapsed in 2004.  

I was diagnosed with Depression and for the first time I had to use The National Health Service.  The influx of Migrants from the continent and Eastern Europe, with no provision for their arrival was clear.  My Doctors Surgery was at breaking point.  It was impossible to get a Doctors Appointment, without booking two weeks in advance and a referral to a Consultant was  an extremely long wait.  With thousands of people heading to The UK to work, there was no housing, infrastructure, adequate schools or appropriate employment.  Public Services were bending under the weight of wrong decision-making.  It was a recipe for disaster!

I have been surprised how well The Coalition Government have done since the stock market crash.  They have managed to pull our Country back from the brink.  The Economy is one of the fastest growing in the western world.  Employment is high and while the rest of the European Continent implodes, Britain remains stable and has weathered a very large storm,  

I believe they are correct to reform the benefits' system.  Even today both British and Foreign Nationals are taking advantage of our over generous system, that still needs further dramatic reform.  I can see our Island prospering, while others falter.  I can see hope for a brighter future, where other countries struggle. Above all I have seen my taxes fall dramatically.  I was looking at an old wage slip the other day from the 1980s. On a smaller income, I was paying double the tax I pay now.  The Coalition have actually and tangibly given me back money, when I need it most.  

Nothing is perfect in this world, but I feel able to vote Conservative now, when only a few years I would not.  I am not a one issue voter, or someone who can't forgive the mistakes of the past.  I am someone who listens to the arguments and makes a decision on what is going on today.  Politics affects our lives every day.  We should listen to all those who seek to change us for the better and make a decision based on this alone.  Never vote for someone, because your family did, vote for those who will do the most for you and offer your Country a future, not a return to the bad old days!

The 70s

People talk about the seventies with such disdain,
A decade forgotten, passed by in the main.
A reckless mishmash of bad taste in fashion,
Strikes, power cuts and markets crashin!

Growing up on a Council Estate, schoolmates next door,
Long hot summers, no curfew, endless time to explore.
No worries or cares,
one's future, unawares,
carefree and happy,
hand me down clothes, worn and tatty!

Looked after by Nan, was a treat unmatched,
less discipline, more freedom, door unlatched,
sent to the shop to buy her fags,
note in hand, nasty she said, my first drag!

A towering stoical woman with purple hair,
painted nails, high heels, hugged like a bear,
expensive jewellery, pearl necklace, painted face,
smoked whilst baking, glass of gin kept pace!

A true lady was my Gran in every sense,
Emotionless, British, proud, intense,
A tower of strength, to those who sought chatter,
Not a tear was shed, buck your ideas up, no matter!

I loved my Gran, although we clashed,
Too much like me, her Grandson, oh how we thrashed!
Frivolous and generous, unwisely bipolic,
Stubborn, aggressive, a little neurotic,
characterful with style, old school Dame,
memorable and funny, articulate, no shame!

Growing up in the 70s, was a special time,
innocent and free, complete content!
Content with childhood,
content with friends,
content with profanity,
content to offend!

Then the world changed,
I had to condemn,
my decade of innocence, unable to defend!
Childhood memories, so dear to me,
Became disappointments in adulthood,
shameful acts, to offend!

Times changed too quickly, and part of me remained,
stuck in that shag pile, happy times were strained!
A moment of apology for my manner of growing,
then retraction for doubting the fear of unknowing!

I miss that vulgar decade,
I wish I could restart,
those long days of childhood, friends kept apart!
The Silver Jubilee,
the lack of money,
the disco music,
70s comedy devotee!

An apology for circumstances just isn't in me,
feeling shame for the past in a future we couldn't foresee.
Denying a generation their God given birthright,
and wrongly rewrite history, make acceptable, smoke free!


Luke Martin-Jones - 12 March 2015

Only going to be a short blog today, as I have been rushed off my feet with Doctors and Wedding stuff. I wanted to talk about loosing one's temper. Darrell and I had a minor tiff today, and I wanted to mention it. This is an honest blog after all!

I am certainly a person who likes to argue.  My father was a local Politician, and he always taught me to strongly argue my point.  Like him I feel I am always right and in all honesty I can always shout louder than someone else.  Darrell and I do not argue any more than anyone else really.  Actually after observing other relationships, I would say we probably argue less.  Darrell doesn't like to argue, in fact he will walk away, agree, when I know he doesn't, or lock himself in a room.  All of these things get me angry.  As a person who was bought up to speak for myself and my friends, I find it odd that others will not speak up for themselves equally.

The trouble with me, is I will battle, fight, scream and shout even if I am wrong.  My interest in Politics has taught me a great deal, especially how to dig myself out of a hole, usually of my own making.  Yes I am good with words, although as I get older, I am more forgetful and in some cases end up digging myself into even bigger holes.  If you believe passionately in something, even if you are wrong, stand up for yourselves. Make your voice heard and never admit defeat.  Weakness has never been an option for me, which is why this Bipolar Relapse, is such a pain.  I have shown weakness, which is unlike me, but even the best of us have to know when to take a break!

Growing up Gay has really always been at the back of my mind!  As a gay man you always have to watch your back. There will always be someone out to get you, it is a fact of gay life.  As I have got older, it seems there are more people than ever, trying to get in the way of my relationship as well as others, who are really just out for a fight. Yes it pisses me off.  Darrell has said to me, I bite too easily, and if I only learnt to control my temper, things would be better.

Is it really right to say and do nothing?  Is it right to allow others to believe they are superior?  Is it right to let others believe they have won an argument?  Is it right to not react?  

I don't believe so. I believe we are pre-programmed to deal with what is right or wrong, and to let people get away with lies and arguments shows weakness. They will surely take advantage of that situation in the future.  Others, like my partner, just want a quiet life and couldn't care less about the rights and wrongs of a situation.  In reality, the way one reacts to others is about the way one has been taught.  Personally I have high morals and take a huge amount of pride in the things I say and strongly believe in helping myself and others!

In my view, never walk away from an argument, never admit you are wrong, never show weakness, when a situation requires strength and above all never carry an argument on.  It should be worked out and put to bed, before you go to bed.  Walking away without closure, only seeks to carry on something that has angered you in the first place, that's never good.  You will just dwell on it!  Sort it immediately, successfully and allow both parties, at least a sense of success and a belief that maybe they were right.  This prevents problems and resentment in the long term!

Happy Screaming Y'all!