I've spent the afternoon with Cousins Chris and Maria, enjoying  quality time walking along the seafront in Southsea. The last time I saw them was when I first arrived back in the UK at the end of May, so it was good to catch up with family gossip. I feel a great bond with both of these two and always enjoy being in their company. Chris and Maria are a tangible link to my maternal family, that I wouldn't otherwise have.

Parentage has become a priority in my life since I moved into my Aunts house and is integral to my wellbeing. I am here for my Mother predominantly, but I am also home to assess my role in our family, as odd as that seems; let me try an explain what I mean. I have never felt great attachment to my heritage, unlike many people I have known. I was never invited to gatherings or functions and was very much the black sheep. By all accounts that was a label I wore well, using my estrangement as an excuse to cause mayhem and madness in my life. The truth is, I didn't need anyone to create problems and obstacles as I grew up, I was well able to do that myself!

Chris and Maria picked me up today and I invited them in to see my Aunt, who like me has a label on her lapel; another reprobate who has spent as much time away from family as she has in their company. We were the rebellious ones, who no one spoke of and only discussed in derogatory terms, if at all. In his way, Chris was also a aloof from his kinfolk as a youngster, dancing at disco's, returning home when his Father, my Great Uncle Peter was on his way out to work. Like Chris and Trisha, I am trying to regain a feeling of order, direction and a sense of belonging, which is important to me at my time of life. I intend to keep building bridges; I intend to make up for the lost years.

The last time Chris and my Aunty Trisha saw one another was in 1966. Chris was a pageboy at my Mother and Fathers Wedding and Trisha a bridesmaid. This was a lifetime ago and I thought it would be great for them both to get acquainted again, even for a brief half hour. In turns out they are both the same age and also went to the same School in our home town of Fareham. Chris was in the year above and like my Aunt was brought up a Catholic, so have much in common. It is strange how families come together for functions, like Weddings and funerals, yet immediately lose contact, rarely seeing one another again, unless another celebration or tragedy brings them together. I'm not sure if that is just something that happens to our ménage, or whether it happens to others as well; whatever the reasons, it was good to see my Cousin and Aunt reunited after 52 years.

Today's walk along Southsea, was a welcome break from the drudgery of life; I enjoyed visiting the funfair, I used to frequent as a child, eating ice cream, watching the hovercraft arrive on the beach front and breathing in the sea air. This is a big part of my childhood, something I had missed. Sitting in a shelter on the promenade, I was reminded of the film 'Carry On Girls,' an echo back to seventies Britain, trying to keep warm from the elements as a rather overcast sky pointed towards yet more rain. The fair at Southsea is a hark back to the era that time forgot. The architecture is very 70s in nature and hasn't changed since I was a young lad; that is a fact I am very comfortable with. As I approach my fifth decade, I find myself getting closer to my roots, striving to get back a life I once had. Chris and Maria are a link to a past, I recollect was fondness, always looking towards happier times during periods of stress, for that I am grateful!

Duchess seems to be settling into her new home well, she has been here for a month now and has already made herself at home. Today I took her to the vets for her last set of injections, something she didn't enjoy!

I am content to have another cat in my life, although I was rather reluctant to bond with her at the beginning; a natural reaction after losing our two long term companions a year ago and the two new kittens we rescued in Spain, in February of this year.

Our Spanish kitties, Mollie and Wildling, seen in the header above, really became an integral part of mine and Darrell's life and like him, I was devastated to let them go to their new home, even though I understood it was for their own benefit. With our life being up in the air it would have been foolish to try and keep hold of them; we understood that all too well!

Precious and Lily, our first cats were with us for many years; as much as I loved them, they were a lot of hard work. Our days did become very 'catcentric' and as a result I led a rather restricted lifestyle. Please don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change the years I spent with them for anything, but animals do take up a lot of time, time I no longer have. Moving back to the UK was only possible because I no longer had pets to care for; I have been able to do far more things as a result.

Duchess has changed my outlook again and I am becoming more grounded once more. Of course I do need to start putting down roots but am mindful of my current position. I have no real idea where I will be living in the future, this decision has not yet been made and in the short term both mine and Darrell's life will remain very much in limbo. Having a cat around is fantastic for my sense of well-being, and has reduced my anxiety dramatically since she has been here, but I have to realise my limitations. I could have to leave at the drop of a hat and may well have to cope with losing another animal at a difficult juncture.

Duchess is a character and she grows on you fast; very affectionate and loving, she invades your personal space on a daily basis, somethings cats do. She is very needy and always demands attention, so I really do not have the opportunity to distance myself from her, even if I wanted too. I have decided to embrace this new chapter in my life wholeheartedly, connecting with family, seeing friends and accepting whatever comes my way; people, places and pets. There is no point running away from life, because I may or may not decide to leave the UK; for that reason I am rebuilding in every aspect. Duchess is just another part of my new life in the UK and I am happy she is here with me on this journey, long or short!

In one weeks time, Darrell will be returning from Spain for the last time. For him, this is the end of his European adventure, as he prepares for his trip back home to see his Mother in Australia. Her health has deteriorated to such an extent, he is needed back home, where he can help her through her current illness. With both our respective Mothers ill on different sides of the World, this is turning into a rather challenging time for us both and we have to do our best under extremely demanding circumstances. These are indeed dark days, but we are both well aware of our own responsibilities; nobody could have predicted our current position, as we continue to travel along life's rocky road. When we first packed up and left for a new life in Spain, we were both full of hope for the future, today that future is well and truly over!

Our long term life in the UK also remains in the balance. Both Darrell and I are unsure as to where we go from here; we have to keep our options open. Neither of us know exactly what to expect. In truth any decisions about our destiny lies firmly in the hands of others and that is quite a scary thought.

Making long term plans is a long way off for now, so we are just both going to see how the next few months pan out. The only certainty I have today, is that my life will stay firmly rooted in Portsmouth and Darrell's will divaricate towards Australia; this is the best option for both of us, as we do what we can to help our Mothers. When I tell people about our situation, as I did the other night, they look as confused as I am on a daily basis. There is no point trying to take advice from them or anyone, since there is no answer to our predicament. Feeling trapped with my back against a brick wall, would describe how I feel all the time, I just have no idea what is going to happen further down the line.

When Darrell arrives next Monday, we will both have to sit down and work out just 'what happens next;' we need the semblance of a plan at least in order to keep us focused on the long term goal of being reunited again properly in the future. No relationship should have to undergo the complications we have to endure, only perseverance and determination will get us through this dreadful phase, as they have have done so in the past. Of course our relationship was established through adversity and we are well versed in battling under the worst of conditions. Nothing has ever come easy for us, we have fought for everything we have achieved and have relied on no one. I sometimes wish that someone, anyone, would just offer a little support now and again, just to alleviate the burden we have to face every single day of our life. In reality there is no magic wand or Fairy Godmother and we will just have to keep striving the best we can

A life like ours was never going to be easy; today's entry is about the way I am feeling after such a traumatic few years. Next week our Expat life in Gran Alacant comes to an end, it was just never meant to be. I am glad it is finally over and we can both move forwards; now is the time to start again, only this time making the correct choices and doing the right things; next Monday will be the beginning of the rest of our life!

I've just got time for a quick blog tonight before I hit the sack; I have to be up bright an early tomorrow for work. This has really been a long exhausting weekend and an extremely busy time at work, as Portsmouth celebrates the 'Victorious Festival.' Roads are closed, there are queues of traffic and the weather is appallingly bad. On Friday the rain came down and it hasn't stopped since, despite a brief respite on Saturday. By all accounts the festival has been a complete washout as the south of England suffers from torrential rain and floods.

Living in Spain for the last few years, I haven't experienced the changing seasons, in the same way I do in the UK and am actually quite enjoying the transition into Autumn. After a prolonged heat wave, Britain is most definitely back to normal. For as long as I can remember August has been a terrible month weather wise and my first year back, living in Portsmouth is no exception.

It feels good to finally sit down and relax for a bit, something I haven't done much of recently. Tonight a few of my old college friends are going out for a impromptu reunion, which sadly I wont be able to attend, as much as I would have liked to. Weekends are a very busy period for me and I have little time to do anything else apart from work. I do not have the luxury of enjoying a Bank Holiday, but wish all those attending tonight my fondest wishes.

Whatever you did this weekend, I hope the weather didn't spoil your enjoyment too much!

I've actually had time off this Thursday, a rare thing these days; once again however I was up bright an early for a appointment with my GP at the Lake Road Practice. There was no waiting around unlike my experiences arranging appointments with a Doctor in Southampton and I was seen within five minutes of arriving. After an examination for an ongoing problem, I have been referred to St Mary's Hospital in Portsmouth for further tests. Since leaving Spain I have been on a mission to sort out health issues that took a back seat whilst living abroad. Although the local clinics are fantastic in Gran Alacant, I found the language barrier an issue, when speaking with practitioners; as a result I avoided attending appointments and ailments I should have dealt with were just left, resulting in further difficulties. Now I am home, I can at least start to look after my health again, important at my time of life.

Last night my old college friend Garry popped into the Newcome whilst I was working and we arranged to meet for coffee today. At just gone twelve, Garry took me for a tour of the local area in his camper van. Despite being back in the UK for three months now, I still haven't travelled too far from the Fratton area and know very little about the outskirts of the City where I now live. It was timely that Garry should suggest exploring outside of my comfort zone; it's something I have been meaning to do for a while, but with very little time and not having access to a car it has been difficult.

Garry used my blog to contact me a while back and still reads it as often as he can. Not only has blogging opened many doors for me, but it has also rekindled some old friendships. I am in contact with many people from the dim and distant past, only because of 'Roaming Brit' and that makes all the work I put in worth it; Eight hours a day writing is no mean task; blogging is a passion!

Today Garry wanted to introduce me to his life, driving me around his local neighbourhood and showing me the success he has become, since we last saw one another. Today he is somewhat of a property tycoon; after years of astute financial management, Garry can now reap the awards of his labours and I am pleased he can now take a step back and prepare for a more relaxing middle age. I am delighted to see family and friends doing well in their life; it is heartwarming to acknowledge just how far those I knew have come on their journey. As I sat reminiscing about days gone by I became aware that whilst my life has stood still in a financial sense, others have worked hard to attain success in their chosen field.

Garry was concerned that I felt rather downbeat about my own development and tried to put our differences into perspective. My voyage has gone backwards in a monetary sense, having lost more or less everything I used to own; the tangible assets, property and security have all but disappeared and I am left in a very precarious position, in stark contrast to a few years ago. Garry reminded me, that I shouldn't be measuring my accomplishments in a pecuniary sense; our conduct isn't just about how much money we have. He is right of course, both of us travelled in very different directions and without going into too much detail, I have enjoyed life, lived to the full in different countries and experienced far more than most; on that basis I agree with Garry. On the other hand, at my age, I should be thinking about winding down and taking it easy after years of working, yet I am barely making ends meet, living away from my husband, having to deal with some truly insurmountable complications. My journey has been a roller coaster ride of emotion and struggle, something that is certain to continue for many years.

I don't mind admitting how envious I am of other peoples success but I am mindful of my own failings that caused my current state of being. While my friends were forging careers, I was still far too busy enjoying life's excesses and paid little attention to the future; I took my eye off the ball and only have myself to blame. As someone far wiser than me once said, 'when you reach the bottom, your lowest point, there is only one way to go and that's up;' I agree wholeheartedly with this statement.

It is a privilege being home right now, I am able to once again enjoy relationships with people, I thought were long gone, so the reality is, my life has become all the richer for that. In away my biggest ability is connecting with people. My open, welcoming nature has always allowed me to form close and lasting affiliations that have stood the test of time. While others have lost contact with loved ones, I have managed to keep hold of links to the past, something I have always regarded as important. As an individual I am proud of my associations and do all I can to keep them alive. I have a diverse and varied network base, because I have gone out of my way to keep the attachments that matter most.

It is good to be in contact with Garry and others who played an important part in my youth once again, without them my continuance would have been far poorer. I am very philosophical about my place in the World now and am grateful I have a group of contacts who I can rely on for support, a friendly chat or a word or two of advice. Friendships are born from concurring circumstances at important milestones in our life, without their influences we would not have the awareness and understanding we have today. Memories are important, because they are a link to the past that sculpted and shaped our destiny. I am who I am, because of people like Garry and for that reason we should celebrate the closeness accorded to us through rewarding and enriching bonds. My past has once again become my future, for that I am truly grateful!

I've had another busy weekend with barely time to think. It was football day at The Newcome Arms, as Portsmouth played at home to Oxford United. I walked into a busy pub, after a long shift at Tesco, working through to 11.30pm; seventeen hours on my feet; I thrive on days like this and enjoy the vibrancy and excitement around me. This Saturday the locals were celebrating yet another win for their city.

As a novice where football is concerned, I have little comprehension about the game, football players or the politics involved. Most of the time I have no idea what customers are talking about. However my ability to listen and extemporise in these situations serves me well. For the most part I have meaningful conversations about a subject I have little understanding of, without making myself look an idiot and of course I can talk the hind legs off a donkey. Adapting to situations and circumstances without a slip up is one of my best abilities; when one couples this with my love of people, you can see I am on to a winner; I am a people person in every sense of the word!

Saturday night was full of high jinks and good spirits in the main and I thoroughly enjoy the camaraderie of the day. This weekend was a little more boisterous than usual, but nothing good bar staff couldn't handle! After fourteen hours of work on Saturday, I collapsed in bed, sleeping like a baby. My usual insomnia just disappeared. I am of course a firm believer in hard work, despite spending too long in Spain not working. Talking to a friend today about my situation living abroad, they were in agreement, it was the best decision I ever made to come home. Employment opportunities are few and far between on the Costa Blanca; your face has to fit or you wont get a job and I wasn't prepared to 'suck up' any longer, if truth be told. As a 47 year old man, with a proven job record and work ethic, I shouldn't have to beg and grovel for work. Thank god working practices are more equitable in the UK; it really is a pleasure to be back in the real World! If you enjoy your job, labouring alongside decent people and are appreciated for your endeavours, you really are not going to mind working hard. In Spain, I became rather disheartened by the amateur way in which some employers carried on their business activities. I can only speak about my own experiences; once again I picked the wrong path in life!

I do seem rather bitter towards Spain don't I? Well I really don't mean to sound negative. Most people and businesses were decent individuals, who went out of their way to help and give people a chance; especially the many Brits who arrive in Gran Alacant each year. Had I been in the right place at the right time, I may well have settled in Spain much easier. One of the readers to my blog asked me only this morning, what advice would I give someone of my age, thinking about taking the plunge and moving to Europe. All I can say is be careful, very careful indeed. There are a lot of unscrupulous people in this World, people who take advantage of others good, honest nature; get out of holiday mode straight away. Remember no one is your friend and you should always keep your wits about you. Do not be bullied or persuaded to do something you don't feel comfortable with and above all if you aren't a good judge of character, don't move to Spain in the first place.

As you can see I am extremely happy to be grafting again for a living. After a long tiring weekend, it was lovely to come home on Sunday and settle down for a fantastic roast dinner, cooked by my Cousin Rachel, spending some much needed time with family. This was the side of life I missed living abroad. The only real contact you have with people is in a bar or restaurant, there is very little chatter that isn't centred around alcohol and that is a real shame. Many of those I knew were only acquaintances; they patronised the bar In which I worked and that isn't any real grounding for friendship in the main. Luckily I have some good memories from those who did become close, including some customers I used to serve on a daily basis, but I can't help lamenting the missed opportunities, the lost years of loneliness and the hardships endured, only to leave the continent with nothing. I don't regret living in Spain, but I do feel remorse for not grasping the connections I could have had here instead. Since returning to the UK, I have had to reassess every aspect of my life; today I have reached a point where I can say I am happy and content to have made my own choices, the right choices and not the knee jerk reactions to circumstances that were out of my control!