My three weeks of annual leave has come to an end, and I am finally back to work. Thanks to my employers, I have been able to enjoy an extended period with my husband, Darrell, after his arrival in the UK. We have done a lot of walking, talking and discussing the future, which isn't necessarily what we expected. Neither of us thought we would be back to 2001, battling to secure our life here in Britain, but the reality is, this country has changed much over the last few years. Darrell and I have to learn to adapt to the changing circumstances and accept we will never achieve our ambition to live in Europe.

Trying to get to grips with the state of the immigration system has been a challenge. Darrell has all the same rights as I do, but because they were granted twenty years ago, he is finding it hard proving his status. There are many ways you can ascertain your rights to live and work in the UK; it very much depends on how you originally received your immigration documents.

Darrell received a vignette in his passport, stating he has Indefinite Leave to Remain in the UK; essentially giving him access to employment and benefits. Using his letter from the Home Office in 2001, he has never had a problem obtaining employment and in truth, he shouldn't now. Employers seem to be unaware of the process involved for someone like Darrell, and we are constantly being told to provide a 'share code,' which an employer can use to determine residency status. Share codes are digital passports, the descendants of the vignette Darrell has. In order for him to prove his right to work, he has to follow an entirely different procedure, which is clearly highlighted on the '.Gov' website. Sadly, this is little understood by employers, and we seem to be fighting a losing battle.

Both of us have been pulling our hair out, trying to draw attention to the resources available to prospective employers, searching for information from someone like Darrell. We both seem to be going around in circles, and it is frustrating to say the least. A simple calculation on a government website would clear up the ambiguity of our situation, yet the digital nature of proving one's right to work in 2021, especially after the pandemic, has become our Achilles heel.

Darrell has applied for jobs and spoken to employment agencies in Britain and just to highlight the difficulties we have been experiencing, each one has different criteria for determining whether he has the right to work. Some are prepared to take his Home Office letter, others not, some want a sharing code, others not; On top of this, having lived in Europe, his Spanish licence is also causing problems. Most employers want a British licence, but interestingly, many of the larger organisations are perfectly fine with a Spanish one. Our movement, all over the World, appears to have created obstacles; the British government want us to stay in one place and never to leave again. That isn't us, our life is based around travelling, it's the way we met and part of the fabric of our relationship together.

Trying to get a car and insurance is also proving problematic. Darrell hasn't driven for several years now, not since he and I lived in Spain, so getting reasonably priced insurance has become yet another stumbling block. We aren't sure if his 'no claims,' bonus can be transferred  from Linea Directa, his Spanish insurance company, to a similar business in the UK. If not, the cost of insuring even a small car will run into hundreds, possibly thousands of pounds. This is yet another hurdle we need to cross, as we rebuild our life back home.

Of course, we aren't the only people going through hard times at the moment. After Brexit, the number of expats returning has increased, and they too are having to start again, in a country that has changed dramatically since they last lived here. Compounded by the pandemic and people being unable to get home because of the virus, returning British residents have some serious concerns they need to address; we are all going through the same upheaval, and it won't end anytime soon.

It looks like Darrell and I will experience some awkwardness in how we live our life for the foreseeable future, until the Home Office give him his biometric resident card, and he can finally prove his right to work. Until then, I will be working long hours in two jobs to support us both. I'm not afraid of hard work, so life will carry on very much in the same vein, as it always has. Things may well seem daunting at present, but we are assured our predicament will get better and resolve in the near future. We are lucky to be together still, after twenty-six years, and that is our most important achievement. The world may well have changed dramatically since 2016, but it is also an opportunity for us, to start again, as we have done, so many times before. Our success or failure will depend on how well we whether the incoming storm; we are both fighters, and our determination can only help us focus on the challenges ahead.

September seems to be a busy month around here. There are numerous Birthdays, our anniversary, and the last of the summer sun to enjoy, before winter sets in. It was great to see old friends and new, also, as the last of the pandemic restrictions were finally lifted, life has started to get back to normal; more social interaction and time with family and friends has once again become a feature of everyday life. With Darrell returning home this month as well, life has suddenly got even more vivacious than usual. Despite having three weeks off, I have been busy every day and never seem to find the time to just sit down and chill!

On Saturday, we celebrated my Aunty Trisha's Birthday. For the first time in God knows how long, I had a few pints. This isn't something I would usually do if I am honest, especially after past experiences. IBS has prevented me from doing many of the things I would like, including drinking, but I felt it was time to see if my rather delicate constitution could handle it and luckily enough, I have no problems to report. This was a surprise to me, but since my gallbladder removal, my life has slowly been getting back to normal and the pain I experienced in the past is no longer there.

Since my operation in April, I have sadly started to put on weight again. The digestive conditions I suffered from, have subsided, and I have started to indulge in the things I used to like, including my downfall, cheese. When I weighed myself this morning, I was a horrifying 99.4 kg, this is a huge leap from the 93.5 kilos I was before my operation; it's time to start eating healthy again.

Despite the discomfort I experienced with gallbladder disease, the pain actually prevented me from eating a lot of things that were bad for my health. High fat food was always a no no, chocolate as well, and too many carbs would also cause problems. You can deduce from this, that my diet was actually far healthier than it is now; all I have to do, is change my eating habits once again.

Watching 'This Morning' today, there was a segment on weight gain, especially round the midriff. After doing a calculation they suggested, determining your ideal waist size, by dividing your height by two, it was clear I was actually five inches bigger than I should be; I've seriously got to start losing weight!

My Aunt had a fabulous Birthday, surrounded by a few close friends and family. We all chatted the night away, talking about the old days and listening to music from a bygone era. I haven't had many opportunities to spend time with my Aunt on her Birthday over the years, so it felt good to be a part of her day. Family is precious and even during the darkest times in our life, we should cherish the memories they bring.

Making arrangements for Darrell's resettlement in the UK and seeking advice from solicitors over his immigration status, has taken priority over the last few weeks. However, we have managed to spend a little time walking and relaxing, in between the mountain of paperwork and collection of documents. Having now employed a solicitor, we look forward to a speedy end to our current predicament. A long, five-mile walk around Portsmouth to the sea front in Southsea, has not only been energising, but it has also taken our minds off pressing matters.

At the height of the pandemic, I used to walk daily, up to ten miles at a time. As restrictions eased, and I spent more time at work, I became less and less active. Walking five miles, was half what I was used to, but I found it extremely difficult. Nevertheless, the weather was perfect, which made for an enjoyable experience.

Now Darrell is back, I would like to do more exercise, but I have a feeling I will be working more than ever. Until he is able to work himself, I will have to take on extra shifts. Once employed, I will be able to take a step back somewhat and not work so hard. My hope is, we will both be able to take on a more active lifestyle. I have to keep reminding myself, that I am in the final seven days of a three-week break from work, so have piled on the pounds, more than I usually would. Once I get back into a routine, the weight should hopefully start dropping off again.

It was great to end the week with friends and colleagues from work. Darrell and I have been through so much in recent times, that a few hours with those closest was just what the Doctor ordered. Drinks, food and chatter, was a welcome break from the difficulties of the last fortnight. It was a fantastic evening, thoroughly enjoyable and made a pleasant change, from worrying about things I literally have no control of.

I am a worrier by nature, which is also why I write. Anything that helps me take my mind off things that may be bothering me, is perfect for helping me to wind down and relax. I have been told by my Doctor many times before, that the IBS symptoms I suffer with daily, is due to my constant worrying. An evening out with friends, even if I am indulging in food and drink that would normally cause havoc with my digestion, is a great healer; that can only be a good thing.

Since Darrell returned to Britain, life has begun to get back to normal, well as normal as it can at the moment. Having my husband home has done wonders for my psychological wellbeing and has allowed me to see a future, where once there was none. Dining out with friends, together, may seem small to some, but to me, it signifies continuity and that is important for both of us. After such a negative period in our life, we can finally begin the process of restarting where we left off nearly two years ago. This month signals the beginning of a new chapter and a desire to succeed; only time will tell if the 'pandemic years' will have any lasting effect. The hope is, we will forget the last few years, put the dark days behind us and begin to finally live again!

Getting back to normal after two years apart can be challenging. When Darrell returned last week, I was under no illusions, as to just how much work was ahead of us. Re-establishing ourselves as a couple, and Darrell as a British resident, isn't going to be an easy task. The two of us have restarted where we left off in November 2019 (God, that really does seem like a lifetime ago now!) It really is a cliché, but it does feel like we have never been apart; I suppose that is the nature of relationships.

After surviving the initial jet lag, Darrell has spent the last seven days sorting out the legalities behind his arrival in Britain. The terms of his Indefinite Leave to Remain visa states, he must not be outside the UK for longer than two years, something he has never done, always returning to top up his right to remain here. This was the longest period he was away from the Britain, for a total of twenty-two months. Despite this, because so much has changed in recent times, he is finding it difficult to secure employment here. The documentation needed to work include a biometric card, which he has never had, having been granted Indefinite Leave to Remain in 2001, before this technology was available.

Yesterday, Darrell spoke to a specialist immigration solicitor, after discovering he wasn't able to register for jobs in the UK. The team at the 'Immigration Advice Service' were helpful enough, but our solicitor left us a little overwhelmed by all the paperwork she asked us to get; in our case, over twenty years of documents. It seems Darrell will now have to apply for his biometric card, or British citizenship, whichever is easiest to do. This will ensure he never again has to go through the bureaucratic nightmare, we are currently experiencing. Both of us just want to get on with our life, not have to start from the beginning again, proving every day of the last twenty-six years we have been together.

To be honest I have had a stressful week, sorting through files, looking for evidence of our relationship to send to the solicitor and speaking with organisations who can help. Everything is getting on top of me, and I am feeling particularly down and fed up. Mine and Darrell's relationship, has never been easy, conventional, or typical, but sometimes, I just want a break and someone to lift me up a little, giving me some hope during the most arduous of times. No one really understands the difficulties we face, every day, we have always stood on our own two feet and never, I repeat NEVER, asked anyone for anything.

I guess you're maybe detecting a little anger in my words today; if you are, you are right. Both Darrell and I are fed up with these Home Office games, constantly having to jump through hoops in order to survive and never having the opportunity to live in peace, without someone getting on our back for something. The happiness I feel having Darrell home, is tinged with sadness as we once again try to do our best in this unforgiving World.

This week, Darrell and I have been celebrating our 26th anniversary, the first time we have been together on this day for several years. There were no major celebrations after missing our silver anniversary last year; we spent the day with family near The Hard in Southsea and finally had a lovely relaxing evening, the first since he arrived back.

If I am perfectly honest, I never thought I would be in the position I am today. Darrell has worked legally in The United Kingdom for twenty plus years, yet today because of Brexit legislation and a biometric card requirement, he is finding it almost impossible to gain suitable employment. We discussed his predicament with our Solicitor, who explained the documentation he has, confirming his Indefinite Leave to Remain status in 2001, was enough to work in the UK. She went on to say, that employers are unaware or unwilling to accept perfectly legal paperwork, because of lack of knowledge on this rather difficult subject. That is obviously no consolation for Darrell as he tries to gain employment, but it is a terrible indictment on the lack of information available to employers.

Both of us will just have to persevere for now, as we decide on our next move. It looks likely we will apply for a biometrics card, but the frustration at having to do this is annoying and ridiculous. This is turning out to be an expensive and unnecessary undertaking at a time when companies are crying out for staff.

At least we have been distracted by the good weather and the chance to get out and about with family. Our anniversary was an opportunity to spend time with loved ones, stroll along Southsea sea front and have a few beers and a bite to eat at the Spice Island Pub. I actually haven't felt that calm and collected for a while. Despite the difficulties we are once again facing, both of us need to take time out, not only for each other, but also for those around us.

I have been relatively tense since Darrell arrived back in the UK, because I know just how difficult the next few months will be. Family time is the distraction that will give us both respite from the mountain of paperwork, that is slowly building on the bedroom floor. Once again, I feel like I am stuck in a time warp, continually sorting out documents from twenty years ago. The reality is, this is what we have always had to do, in order to prove the ongoing nature of our relationship.

This week, I also said goodbye to my boss at The Newcome Arms. Ellie was my Manager first, but she was a friend also, and I will miss her terribly. Working a couple of evenings a week in this popular backstreet pub, has done wonders for my confidence and self-esteem. The three years I have pulled pints behind the bar, has given me an insight into 'Pompey' life. Ellie was always a joy to be around, and I know all of us who worked there will always remember her face.

The last seven days have been a week to remember; I have lost my boss of three years, but have gained my husband back, at least for now. The chimes of change have been ringing for quite some time now, and I am glad Darrell and I are finally at a stage, where we can at least attempt to rebuild our life together; for how long, is anyone's guess. Ellie, moving on to pastures new, has signalled a change in all our directions, and I am looking forward to the challenges ahead. As a friend recently told me, 'You thrive on change, you can see it in your eyes' and I can't disagree!

I am relishing what happens next, but I am also apprehensive about the future. I hope for a calm ride, but always expect the worst. A positive outlook and hope for the future, should see me through the incoming storm, but until we are sure just what to expect, it's steady as she goes, thoughtful contemplation and plenty, yes plenty, of rest!

After nearly two years apart, Darrell and I are finally back together. It has taken many months of planning to get to this stage. Getting on a plane, especially from Australia, isn't the relatively easy undertaking it once was. With the country only allowing a limited number of people in, through a quota system, and even less out, flying from Australia has become a rather daunting task. Thankfully, Darrell was able to secure a place on one of the few flights leaving the country and is now back in the UK.

His flight left Perth, Western Australia on the 15th September, flying to Singapore, where he had a stop over of six hours. Like most things these days, his experience was different to normal. On arrival, he was given a green wristband and filtered through to a secure waiting area. Coming from Perth, where there is little to no COVID, he has been lucky enough to avoid the worst of the Coronavirus restrictions in place. On leaving Australia, flying to Singapore, he was fortunate to be on a plane with just twenty-five other people. Flying between Singapore and London was an altogether different experience, however, and to his horror the flight was packed.

To say Darrell is nervous of COVID-19, would be an understatement; one has to remember, he has lived in a bubble for the last two years. As an onlooker, viewing the unfolding pandemic across the World, he has been subjected to the terrible scenes played out in the UK and was understandably terrified at what he could be walking into. Sitting on a plane full of passengers, was an anxiety inducing experience, he isn't keen on repeating anytime soon.

With most airport facilities closed or restricted, flying isn't the enjoyable part of a holiday it used to be. Darrell's brief stopover in Singapore was purely to facilitate his onward journey to London. Having been double jabbed, and tested in Australia at a cost of $150.00 before he left, he was  as safe as he could be. Equally, other passengers should have been similarly protected, so one can only hope, there are no repercussions from the flight, and he will remain COVID free. In order to comply with Government rules, he will have to take a PCR test today, which will show if he has been successful in avoiding COVID on his long thirty-six-hour journey.

After a delayed flight from Singapore, Darrell arrived in the UK at 5pm on Thursday and got a coach to The Hard here in Portsmouth; he was home by 10.30pm. To be honest, it was a rather strange experience, being reunited with my husband, during the middle of a pandemic. We have of course hugged, but because of the nature of his journey, we have had to sleep separately for the first few days. If anything, it does make for interesting times.

Things have changed in Britain since both of us have lived here together. Darrell's arrival has signified the beginning of a return to normality for us; we have to immediately start rebuilding our life in Britain. 2015 was the last time we had a 'normal' family existence, just before we left for Spain and as we have discovered, much has changed.

Darrell has had some difficulty sorting out his paperwork, for his right to live and work in the UK. Since he last lived here, a new biometric card has been introduced and in order for him to gain employment, we need to apply for this new document, at a cost of £229.00. It looks likely that we will have to have his old 'Indefinite Leave to Remain' visa transferred to his new passport also. These are just more stumbling blocks to our life in the UK, something we are well-used to, after being together twenty-six years.

When Darrell was granted his 'Indefinite Leave to Remain' visa in 2001, we understood, this would be the last hurdle we would have to cross. However, things have changed in Britain dramatically, especially since Brexit. We are now faced with yet more challenges, as we navigate this new United Kingdom, which once again leaves us in a precarious position. Darrell's right to live and work here still remains, but the paperwork needed to prove this has also altered, creating comparable obstructions to those we experienced twenty years ago.

It really does feel like we are having to restart our life together once again, which on the surface is quite unsettling. We do have knowledge and understanding on our side and have been here before, both in Britain and Spain, so we just have to continue to persevere and work towards our goals in a sensible, measured way. The biggest mistake would be for us to panic and do something we regret, a knee-jerk reaction to a 'hopefully' solvable situation. For now, we will survive, as we always have, and will continue to work towards the productive and fulfilling life we both desire. The next few months will once again be hard, demanding, and testing, but as ever, our fortitude and love for one another will see us through, with a little bit of help and support from all of you; Our journey will continue, albeit in circumstances we could never have predicted.

It's a little under two weeks until Darrell comes home, and I can finally say I am starting to feel relieved. At the moment, I have many emotions to contend with, from excitement to anger and anything in between; all of them are valid right now. I am of course happy Darrell is coming home, but I am also angry that so much time has been wasted; we have both lost nearly two years together, because of an Australian government, that has refused to let families see one another during this endless pandemic.

Our situation is very different to most separated family members, during the last eighteen months. Mum is still undergoing cancer treatment and Darrell has had to be with her, on and off, since 2016. The arrangement Darrell and I made, meeting each other twice a year, before COVID, crumbled as soon as Australia closed its borders. We were left in a precarious position, because of circumstances beyond our control, and there was nothing we could do about it.

Darrell and I have always thrived under the worst of situations, and if I am honest, there have been quite a few of those. Despite the difficulties we have experienced over twenty-six years together, we have always managed to come out on top. I am a follower of fate, and I believe Darrell and I were meant to be. We are husbands first and foremost, but we are more than that — soul mates, best friends and partners who continue to navigate the obstacles thrown our way.

Living apart from each other during a particularly traumatic period in history, is not something we bargained for, but like most things in our life, it will undoubtably make our relationship stronger. Tough and punishing times, really do test us to our limits, but like most people, we have had to learn to adapt to the surrounding challenges. Living life in the best way I can, has certainly been a mantra I have followed and equally Darrell has built a temporary life for himself in Western Australia. It is true to say our respective lives have diverged, but we have always been working towards the same goals and aspirations, ultimately reunited and picking up from where we left off in November 2019.

Darrell's arrival on the 16th September will signal the start of a new chapter, but it will also be the birth of another fight for survival. Plans we have discussed for the future are all well and good on paper, but in practice they may not necessarily work. Sometimes I think how different my life could have been, if I had followed a more conventional path, but then remember how lucky I am to have done the things I have. The years I have spent with Darrell certainly haven't been boring, but when it comes to finally settling down, after everything that has transpired, especially in recent times, it is hard deciding where our heart lies.

I don't want to go over the options available to us again, as I have written much about 'what happens next,' but it is important that we way up all the alternatives. Once again, I am looking at this conundrum from a positive point of view. Most people at my age have their lives mapped out for them. Living in a house, with 2.4 children, paying a mortgage, in a career they don't always like. This isn't something I have ever wanted; if I am honest, I am quite happy to continue travelling the World. This is probably where our life will take us once again, eventually.

Travelling at the moment is impossible; it looks like we will have to wait, maybe years, before we can continue flying in the same way we did before the pandemic. It is inevitable therefore, that  we will establish ourselves in a way we haven't really done before. Darrell is less keen to travel, so I envisage a time when we stay put, until Coronavirus becomes a thing of the past; like everything, it is dependent on what trajectory the pandemic takes. Talking to my Aunt last night, I said how much I missed foreign shores, the feel of the Mediterranean sun on my face or the vibrancy of Asia on my doorstep. I am also well aware I won't be stepping foot on a plane anytime soon, as much as I would like too. Holidays abroad look like distant memories, journeys just out of reach; making the best of this 'new normal' World is the only plan we have for now.

It is important we use these two weeks before Darrell arrives to think about where we go from here. Whilst COVID continues to rage across the World, it seems sensible to continue with the status quo, hanker down and continue very much in the same vein we have. This is the first time we will have to think long term, planning for happier days ahead. There will be no more living day to day and making spontaneous decisions without accounting for our actions. This is a time for reflection, contemplation and not making any rash decisions!

Thomas's 3rd Birthday

This week, my Cousin Thomas celebrated his 3rd Birthday. It was a reminder to me of just how many occasions and special events Darrell has missed since he has been living in Australia. Due to work commitments, I could only spend part of the day with family, but by all accounts he had a wonderful day.

With family now central to my life in Britain, it has become the most important reason to stay. When circumstances allow, I will be my Cousin Eli's Godfather, which is yet another basis to remain firmly in Portsmouth. In previous blogs, I have discussed the cost of property in the South of England, which is likely to be prohibitive in the long term. Staying with my Aunt in the short term is the stop gap we need, in order to save for our future, wherever it is. If we save enough, we should be able to get a small property, but that is dependent on our situation.

I am reluctant to leave my roots now; I am very happy and settled where I am and although my Aunt is fine with me living here with Darrell, I know we both will need our own place, sooner rather than later. If we do end up buying a home up north, to rent out, we are both OK about renting a small flat in Portsmouth or Southsea. We do not intend to just throw years of savings away on paying a landlord rent, and literally have nothing to show for it. It is a mark of how old I am, that I am even considering buying a retirement flat when time allows. This isn't something either of us really want to do right now; we are not in the twilight of our years yet.

As we continue to save for an uncertain future, we are aware of the difficulties ahead. It won't be until Darrell returns home, that we will really know where life will take us. Gathering together enough cash to start the process of rebuilding after the pandemic, is a priority that overtakes anything else with desire to achieve. When we have secured our path, we will then resume our journey, travelling to places we can only dream of today.

Today has been one of those good days; the sun in shining outside and Darrell was finally given permission to leave Australia. He has been resident in Perth, WA, for the duration of the pandemic, looking after Mum, as she battles cancer. It has been nearly two years since I last saw him and both of us were apprehensive, about whether he would even be given permission to leave Australia in the first place.

I have read much about the trials and tribulations of couples, parents, and grandparents in similar positions to us, over the last eighteen months. Many families have had to observe from afar, as relatives reached important milestones in their lives, on the other side of the World or sadly passed away without those closest by their side. It has been heartbreaking to read the terrible circumstances that surround each story, making me realise the importance of family life. Today I appreciate the people I live and work with and more importantly, recognise just how divisive and wrong Australia's policy of separating families is.

Watching the news last night, I was able to see the first relatives reunited from America and Europe. As the first flights of fully vaccinated passengers arrived in the UK, there would be no need for quarantining. Similar emotional scenes were being played out across the country, as relatives hugged each other for the first time in nearly two years.

Darrell only applied for the 'Exemption to Travel' yesterday, so it was a shock for both of us, that he was given permission to leave Australia less than 24 hours later. This was the best news both of us could have expected, and he has now been given permission to relocate to the UK within the next three months. Of course, there is much to do over the next few weeks. Darrell has arranged a suitable care package for Mum and has a series of appointments to attend, ensuring she is well enough to be left. Darrell had to sign a statutory declaration, stating he will not return to Australia for at least three months. Being denied entry during this period, even if his Mother's health deteriorates, is a huge burden to carry. He will have to be sure, in his own mind, that Mum will be well looked after and medically fit, while he remains out of the country!

Despite the now favourable circumstances, we still have many hurdles to cross. Neither of us are happy that Darrell is having to fly during a pandemic, and he is taking ever precaution to ensure a safe flight home. In order to keep within the terms of his Indefinite Leave to Remain visa, he has no option but to return to the UK by November. There are very few flights leaving for Europe at the moment, consequently there is restricted choice. There will be no cheap flights to choose from, and just limited options, avoiding the worst pandemic ridden countries, travelling only through those on the green or amber lists. Even though Darrell has been double jabbed, his vaccines have not been recognised by the British Government. We hope this will change soon, and he will be allowed straight  through immigration, without the need for quarantining. It is of course important that he doesn't fly through any red list countries, and he has enough protective clothing to keep himself safe during the flight.

After nearly two years of waiting, writing to MP's, speaking to The Home Office and legal representatives, it really does feel like we are on the home straight. The worrying and stress doesn't end now, far from it, it has only just begun. So much can still go wrong; booking flights isn't easy any more, cancellations are commonplace, and prices are volatile. Knowing some people have been charged thousands of dollars to return, just makes the anxiety even worse. There is also Mum to consider; she has started a different treatment plan and stopped chemotherapy, and it looks likely she will require a biopsy at the beginning of September; providing all the results are positive, Darrell should be on his way soon after.

For now, it's a huge sigh of relief and a period of positive thinking, as we plan for Darrell's return. We both have far more support than we could have ever wished for, so with a strong network of friends and family, all being well, we should finally see each other again in just over a month. This is the start of yet another new life together, this time back home in Portsmouth. Yes, we both look forward to the challenges ahead, because you can bet your bottom dollar, there will be plenty of them, as there always have been!

This week has been seven days of hell where my health is concerned, so much so, I am thinking of taking matters into my own hands. I have so many conditions to contend with at the moment, that I literally don't know what ailment is causing which pain. It has become very hard functioning on a daily basis, without experiencing some sort of discomfort. I don't know how many times I have mentioned it to my GP, only to be fobbed off with a generalised answer, that is designed to make me feel better... WELL, I DON'T FEEL GOOD, I DON'T FEEL GOOD AT ALL!

After a series of Xrays on my back and hips, I had an appointment with Rheumatology this week, to discuss the results. As usual, I was expecting the worst and had mixed feelings about hearing from the consultant. As it happens, there was good and bad news, and it certainly wasn't as terrible as I thought it would be.

Luckily, I have been told that I don't have rheumatoid arthritis, which would have been the worst outcome of all. The signs were there, but the blood tests and xrays came back negative. The bad news was really as I expected. I have substantial damage to the discs and joints in my lower back, which have been causing me a lot of pain. The Doctor explained that ultimately I may have to have an operation, but as long as I can live with the aching, she recommended I do nothing yet. Also, I would be referred back to physiotherapy, which could now be more tailored to my own personal needs. As per usual, she suggested I lose weight, which is easier said than done. Despite all the walking I do on a daily basis, the pounds just seem to pile on.

Speaking to her about  my difficulty with weight loss and other chronic symptoms I have been experiencing, she hinted there may be a problem with my thyroid. A chat with my GP and more tests and referrals, could help me discover why I am feeling the way I am.  I'm sure my GP must think I am a hypochondriac at times, but after three years, she is used to my ongoing complaints. To be honest, looking at my constant push for answers, I have discovered many ailments, I never knew I had. You do have to be as vocal as you can, especially during a pandemic, because surgeries across the country are not working as they should and many people are being left in pain, like me. It is important for me to find out what is going on, so I can finally move on with my life.

On Thursday, whilst talking to Darrell on the phone, I was interrupted by a phone call from QA Hospital, from the surgical unit of the upper GI department. They had a date for my cholecystectomy operation to remove my gallbladder, finally, after a year and three months of waiting. I was informed the date would be 17 July and I would need to make arrangements to attend on that day. I am also required to self-isolate for three days prior to the operation and take a PCR COVID-19 test a few days before. Despite the logistical nightmare, of having a procedure during a pandemic, I was just relieved I would finally have my gallbladder removed and could hopefully start living a normal life again. Only time will tell whether this will be enough to stop the pain I experience on a daily basis, or if I will have to undergo more treatment in the future.

Today, whilst at work, I was contacted by QA Hospital once again to change the appointment date to the following week, due to no radiologist being available on that day. On the same weekend my Aunt is throwing her first party for close family and friends, I will be confined to a room upstairs. This is rather annoying if I am honest, but I am so desperate to have this operation, I will just have to do what is necessary. This is the only date available, and I just can't pick and chose right now.

On top of the conditions I suffer with, Diverticular Disease, GERD, a large Hiatal Hernia, gallbladder disease and narrowing of the spine, I also have IBS symptoms on a daily basis. As you would expect, my IBS is out of control at the moment. I always refer to IBS as 'my IBS' because all of us who suffer with it, have our own unique symptoms. This is an individual disease, that affects each of us differently. My symptoms are ongoing, every day, but thankfully some days are better than others.

Since my first severe symptoms more than three years ago, with careful planning, eating a relatively low FODMAP diet and medication, I have managed to control the worst aspects of IBS. I do, however, suffer more frequently now than I used to, just in a milder form. I have been told that the chronic conditions I experience, are at least in part responsible for the abdominal pain I have, but I just can't be sure by how much. IBS controls your whole life, sucks the lifeblood out of you and consumes every waking hour. Stomach, back, hip and pelvic pain is common, as well as a change in bowel habits, nausea, dizziness and depression. I am frequently reminded how I will have to live with this for the rest of my life, and I am constantly searching for solutions to help me cope with the anxiety and distress this causes.

I am hoping that after my operation, my IBS symptoms will subside, but I am told that may not happen, and there is a chance I could be left in a worse state than I am now. Having a cholecystectomy is no guarantee of normality, in fact it may well just be the beginning of a journey to repair the damage done to my body over many years. I have learned to live well again, eating healthy, no longer smoking or drinking and working hard to survive. I have rebuilt my life and become a much better person, but the years of neglect have taken their toll and I will most probably live with persistent pain for the rest of my days. Managing the challenging aspects of illness, and mitigating the worst characteristics of these complaints, should help me regain some form of control. As a wise man once told me, 'Don't let it control you, control it!' Removing the constraints I have lived under for so long, is my overriding priority now, beating back the spectre of illness and overcoming my concerns, offers a path of hope through a sea of pain!

I have had the busiest of weeks, working nearly fourteen days without a break. The Newcome is back open now and with extra shifts at work, I have a full schedule. At the moment I have had to limit my blogging to once a week, in order to fit everything in and will be volunteering as and when I can, when time allows. I don't normally function well under such circumstances, preferring a more relaxed attitude to work, but with little else to do, as we move out of lockdown, I am happy doing what I can to earn some extra money.

I have built up a substantial nest egg since the beginning of the pandemic; with holiday's and travel off the cards, I have been able to save in a way I haven't in the past. Usually I would be preparing to travel to Asia at this time of year, to meet Darrell, but with all flights to the far east grounded for the foreseeable future and Darrell unable to leave Perth, I have been concentrating my efforts on building a fund for our future.

Luckily I have learnt a lot since my hedonistic days, spending money quicker than I earned it, enjoying life far too much and having little or no cash to live on. Today I have been able to do something I have never done before, saving for the future when Darrell moves back home. Equally, Darrell has been saving money in Australia and by the time we both come together once again, we hope to have enough to purchase a property together. Of course the way the World is, nothing is for certain, but at least we will have options available to us, unlike the past, when we were very much at the mercy of circumstances, usually beyond our control!

During those rare moments, when I do have the time, I have been thinking about the 'what lies ahead' quite a lot. At the moment, the pandemic really does cloud judgement and offers little positivity, but this awful time will finally come to an end and all of us will get back to a new kind of normal. That will be an opportunity to live our life as we would have always wanted, not how others would expect.

Obviously, we have been discussing the direction we travel in for quite some time. It has helped tremendously to have dreams and aspirations during a time of crisis, and both of us look forward to a period when we can finally put those ambitions into practice and focus on the final leg of our journey together. Many people have asked us if we intend to return to Spain and pick up from where we left off. Both of us have considered this as a viable option, but it looks increasingly likely, this won't happen. When this pandemic finally comes to an end, it doesn't look likely there will be many opportunities left, for two older males looking for adventure. This was a dream that died in 2018, and it is probably best left there, during the period before Brexit and the virus that ravaged the World.

Family has become the linchpin of my life in recent years, in a way it wasn't before, and it appears like we will remain as close to loved ones as we can. My Father isn't getting any younger and I want to be able to spend as much time with him and of course my extended family as I can. Darrell, equally wants the same, as well as remaining in Europe, where he can be close to his Croatian family, maybe spending longer periods with them at convenient times of the year. I have missed travelling to Split and seeing Cousins Marin and Vlatka every year as we used to, and feel we need to reenergise that important relationship and rekindle family bonds, so important now, more than ever.

Living with my Aunt has been a God send and has allowed me to finally get on in life.  She has said, both Darrell and I can live here for as long as we want. To be honest I am more happy living here, than I have been living anywhere in the UK, so this will probably remain our British home of choice. I have grown used to living in Portsmouth now and enjoy having the large family around me. However, we still need to put down roots somewhere and continue to look for a home, either in the UK or further afield. I am toying with the idea of buying a small place in Scotland, Wales or on the borders, as well as looking for cheaper alternatives in Portsmouth. Property is very expensive here, but there are static and mobile home options along the coast, near the sea, where Darrell and I, or my Cousins and the kids, can get away for a holiday. This is the first time we have options, and the first time we are thinking sensibly, so for now both of us will just continue to work and save for the future.

Staying close to home makes more sense, especially as I get older. I do have many health issues to contend with, unsurprisingly, so access to the National Health Service is a must. Currently, I am waiting for two operations and four different procedures; I could be called at anytime and don't want to be too far from the UK. It looks likely my health will always be a source of concern, so limited or only private access to a European health system really isn't an option.

Every day I read of expats relocating back home, because they have lost many of their rights after Brexit, so it would seem foolish to do the opposite ourselves. The NHS does have many problems, but it is a system I understand well and costs me nothing to be a member. My working rights exist here in Britain; I no longer have the option of working in the EU. So it looks like it's time to settle down in the place I know the best and forget the dream of a European life. We both enjoyed our time in Spain immensely, but it no longer makes sense long term. Our closeness to the EU will always be there; through family and historic links, we will always journey to the continent on a regular basis. Nonetheless, our life together will be firmly tied to Britain and both of us intend to make the most of that adventure together.

The last time I discussed the future was in December 2020. Back then I still had a yearning for returning to Spain and in many respects I still do. I have come to realise over the last six months, however, that dreams don't necessarily make for practical solutions. Expats are returning from all over Europe because we voted to leave the EU and there are perfectly reasonable reasons why. The 90-day rule, means that unless you are a resident, you will have to leave the EU/Schengen area every three months. This would be totally impractical for Darrell and I, impacting our life and derailing our plans. Unable to earn the required salary in Spain, leaving us on a limited income, we would be much better off living in the UK and all the security and benefits that affords. Yes this is a blow, but it also offers a glimmer of hope to look else where, possibly Asia, where we both love equally; a natural home, where we could finally be happy together.

For now, we remain content to live in the UK, spending time with family and planning for the decade ahead; staying grounded for now, changing course when feasible and keeping dreams alive consistently, life is always evolving. We intend to adapt with the changing tide, always looking for new horizons; nothing is for certain in our unconventional life, just the rollercoaster we continue to ride, the difficulties we were born to overcome and the expectations we subsist to pursue.

It's been eight days since I put pen to paper, or rather fingers to keys, and I've had the busiest time; I just don't seem to get a moment's peace lately. I've never been a person to genuinely unwind or chill and on occasion I really notice that fact; the resulting stress can be too much, causing all sorts of problems for my wellbeing. IBS is just one of the issues I have to work around, because I have never learnt to deal with the stress of life. Writing is the only mechanism I have to relax; it helps me process everything that is going on in my life and deal with circumstances I would otherwise ignore. This week I could have done with a few hours blogging, quietly in my bedroom, instead, I am having to write this entry, after a long nine-hour shift. Writing under such constraints can affect my writing, and it shows through the words I use. All of us need to make time for the things we enjoy, in order to create a more congenial environment in which to thrive.

I did manage to speak with Darrell briefly over the last week, however, as we begin the process of organising his return to the UK. This is no easy task in the current climate; no longer can you jump on a plane and fly to the other side of the World. A suitable care package will have to be arranged for Mum, in case Darrell is unable to return and her health deteriorates. He will have to apply for an exemption to travel, three months before he intends to fly and of course, both of us will have to monitor COVID restrictions carefully, in case things make a turn for the worst. Nothing is easy anymore, we are back where we were in 1998, and it's going to get harder.

Suddenly things have got hectic again, after nearly six months of lockdown. I have gone from working as little as possible and getting paid furlough from the pub where I work, to grafting 24/7. Don't get me wrong, I am fine with work and enjoy working hard, but in my 50th year, I should be taking it a little easier, not working every hour that God sends. The reality is, I need to make more time to do the things I love and take a step back when I am able, instead of agreeing to do everything for other people, getting very little in return.

My IBS has been chronic lately, I have had symptoms every single day, and they are getting worse. I am doing everything I can to try and control the symptoms, but my life has just become so damn stressful; the anxiety I feel is overtaking my life, consequently exacerbating my IBS symptoms. Trying to get Darrell back home for November has become my overriding priority and the steps we are having to take, is bringing back memories of our struggle to stay together in the late 1990s. If I am truthful, I am probably suffering with some form of depression and need something to help - therapy, medication or a friendly shoulder to cry on. I am finding this period difficult to manage, especially with my growing workload and need to rethink my current Situation.

Being back at Cancer Research has brought me close to the people I care about once again, laughing, joking and talking about everyday mundane stuff, that I haven't been able to do for so long. This is the outlet that I need each week, to get me through, but it is also a time when I should be taking it easy; integrating it into my schedule can be hard. I am going to have to make some adjustments in order to continue doing what I love most. This week will be a time to rework my life in order to continue moving in the direction I want.

After speaking with my Doctor this week, I am taking back control of my destiny. I have suffered with various aches and pains for too long now and have started demanding answers. Under GP supervision, I have cut back the statins I take for high cholesterol by half; after reading about the side effects, that could be responsible for the way I am feeling, I think I may have stumbled across some much-needed answers. It has been a week since I changed my medication and surprisingly, I am starting to feel a lot better. Maybe these little pills were causing me problems, maybe it's just psychosomatic or maybe, just maybe, I need to start doing things on my terms.

I have contacted Queen Alexandra Hospital, to try and push my gallstone operation forward and am also trying to discover when I have been scheduled to undergo colon and endoscopies. These are all part of the crucial investigations into the nature of the pain I am experiencing. My GP, is also writing to them to plead my case, for urgent examinations to begin as soon as possible, since my symptoms are getting worse. There are no guarantees of course, but I hope the more I harass and cajole, the more responsive they will be. I haven't felt good for a long-time now and just want to feel normal again. My Doctor seems to think, that when Darrell returns from Australia, all my problems will just disappear. I personally have my doubts; there is more to this than a simple return to normality; only time will tell.

On a positive note, with lockdown finally over on 17th May, I was back working behind the bar at the Newcome Arms. After seeing familiar faces once again, as cliché as it sounds, it really did feel like I had never been away. Colleagues and customers have always played an important role in my life in Portsmouth, and it was difficult being apart during the height of the pandemic. Returning to this backstreet pub was a sure sign normality was returning once again, at least in the short term. This was the first job I had in Portsmouth, after my return from Spain, and it is probably the most important for that reason. The people who frequent The Newcome are family friends first and foremost, my boss is a good and trusted friend and I feel comfortable in the company of colleagues, I have known for a long time now. These first small steps back to the way things were, will be difficult, but the little public house on the corner of Newcome Road, is a step back in time to the future all of us crave.

When I look at the state of the World today, I am lucky to be working at all. It was fortunate I returned home when I did in 2018, had I  still been in Spain when the pandemic hit, my life could have been very different. This week has offered a rare insight into life after COVID-19, and it's pretty much the same as it was before the virus. As long as we all remain vigilant and the Indian variant doesn't take hold in every corner of the country, all of us should be able to breathe a 'half sigh' of relief, looking forward to a life that was put on hold, eighteen months ago!

If there was a phrase to describe the last few days it would be 'One step closer.' Yesterday Darrell and Mum finally received their first dose of AstraZeneca vaccine at his Doctors surgery in Australia. This is great news, not only for Darrell and his Mother, but also for us.

I believe Australia has performed only about two million vaccine doses so far, out of 25.3 Million citizens; this equates to less than ten percent of the population. It is true to say that Australia have been particularly slow at administering the vaccine, but circumstances haven't always been in their favour. The European Union were quick to block shipments to the continent, when their own vaccination strategy faltered and supplies have been redirected to Papua New Guinea in order to help control a severe outbreak of COVID-19 there. Australia also has the virus pretty much under control and hasn't needed a fast  immunisation roll out, in the same way the UK and Europe have for example. Quite simply, this island nation can afford to wait a little longer than other countries and has been in no rush to ramp up its programme.

Of course their seemingly apathetic response has been a source of concern for Darrell and I. I didn't want Darrell travelling to the UK without his vaccine, so we have been very fortunate that he has been given it so early. My Mother-in-Law's terminal cancer status, was the clear factor in pushing him to the top of the vaccine list. As her full-time live in carer, he has to be fully protected, along with Mum. There was no point in  her having the first dose and Darrell not, it would have defeated the whole object. Darrell was immediately added to the list of patients who fell into the top category and prioritized at the earliest opportunity.

Speaking to Darrell this morning, he doesn't seem to have had any adverse reaction to the jab, except for the few minor symptoms you normally get after a vaccine.  With his second one due in July, he should be far more confident when flying to Britain in November. It is a weight off both our minds, and we are both thankful he has now had his first inoculation.

This may well be one step closer to us being reunited once again, but this is only just the beginning. After taking legal advice, Darrell has contacted his federal representative in the Australian Parliament, The Honourable Ken Wyatt AM MP, who will help him obtain an exemption to leave Australia in six months time. It is clear, after speaking to a legal executive, that it is unlikely, Australia will relax their travel ban any time soon. It is only with the help of politicians and other groups, that Darrell will be allowed to leave and maintain his 'Indefinite Leave to Remain' visa, here in The United Kingdom. If he fails to get that exemption, then he will quite possibly lose his right to live here, having to reapply to enter on a 'Returning Resident Visa.'

There is still a lot of hard work ahead for both of us, as we continue to navigate this new World, but with a little bit of positivity and luck, we should be reunited at some point this year, Until then, we are continuing to maintain our long distant relationship in the best way we can, looking forward to the day we see each other again

Back home in Britain, I am also one step closer to discovering what has been causing my severe back, hip and pelvic pain. Yesterday I had an appointment at Queen Alexandra Hospital in Cosham, to have a series of XRAYS done, so my Rheumatologist can determine the source of suffering. I have been waiting a long time for this appointment, just as I have to get Darrell back home, so it is yet another weight lifted. After some blood tests next week, my consultant should have as much information as he needs, to at least make some form of preliminary diagnosis.

If one was to measure just how far we have both come this week, it would be 'off the scale.' Both of us have had our first jabs, the legal process has started, to allow Darrell to travel, and I am not too far away from discovering a source of agony I have been dealing with for nearly four years. Both of us can take a little time to ourselves, breathe a sigh of relief and look forward to a more rewarding outlook, at least until the next hurdle pops up... Now is the time to focus on the end goal and not look back; the next six months will be crucial in the direction both our lives take.