After nearly two years apart, Darrell and I are finally back together. It has taken many months of planning to get to this stage. Getting on a plane, especially from Australia, isn't the relatively easy undertaking it once was. With the country only allowing a limited number of people in, through a quota system, and even less out, flying from Australia has become a rather daunting task. Thankfully, Darrell was able to secure a place on one of the few flights leaving the country and is now back in the UK.

His flight left Perth, Western Australia on the 15th September, flying to Singapore, where he had a stop over of six hours. Like most things these days, his experience was different to normal. On arrival, he was given a green wristband and filtered through to a secure waiting area. Coming from Perth, where there is little to no COVID, he has been lucky enough to avoid the worst of the Coronavirus restrictions in place. On leaving Australia, flying to Singapore, he was fortunate to be on a plane with just twenty-five other people. Flying between Singapore and London was an altogether different experience, however, and to his horror the flight was packed.

To say Darrell is nervous of COVID-19, would be an understatement; one has to remember, he has lived in a bubble for the last two years. As an onlooker, viewing the unfolding pandemic across the World, he has been subjected to the terrible scenes played out in the UK and was understandably terrified at what he could be walking into. Sitting on a plane full of passengers, was an anxiety inducing experience, he isn't keen on repeating anytime soon.

With most airport facilities closed or restricted, flying isn't the enjoyable part of a holiday it used to be. Darrell's brief stopover in Singapore was purely to facilitate his onward journey to London. Having been double jabbed, and tested in Australia at a cost of $150.00 before he left, he was  as safe as he could be. Equally, other passengers should have been similarly protected, so one can only hope, there are no repercussions from the flight, and he will remain COVID free. In order to comply with Government rules, he will have to take a PCR test today, which will show if he has been successful in avoiding COVID on his long thirty-six-hour journey.

After a delayed flight from Singapore, Darrell arrived in the UK at 5pm on Thursday and got a coach to The Hard here in Portsmouth; he was home by 10.30pm. To be honest, it was a rather strange experience, being reunited with my husband, during the middle of a pandemic. We have of course hugged, but because of the nature of his journey, we have had to sleep separately for the first few days. If anything, it does make for interesting times.

Things have changed in Britain since both of us have lived here together. Darrell's arrival has signified the beginning of a return to normality for us; we have to immediately start rebuilding our life in Britain. 2015 was the last time we had a 'normal' family existence, just before we left for Spain and as we have discovered, much has changed.

Darrell has had some difficulty sorting out his paperwork, for his right to live and work in the UK. Since he last lived here, a new biometric card has been introduced and in order for him to gain employment, we need to apply for this new document, at a cost of £229.00. It looks likely that we will have to have his old 'Indefinite Leave to Remain' visa transferred to his new passport also. These are just more stumbling blocks to our life in the UK, something we are well-used to, after being together twenty-six years.

When Darrell was granted his 'Indefinite Leave to Remain' visa in 2001, we understood, this would be the last hurdle we would have to cross. However, things have changed in Britain dramatically, especially since Brexit. We are now faced with yet more challenges, as we navigate this new United Kingdom, which once again leaves us in a precarious position. Darrell's right to live and work here still remains, but the paperwork needed to prove this has also altered, creating comparable obstructions to those we experienced twenty years ago.

It really does feel like we are having to restart our life together once again, which on the surface is quite unsettling. We do have knowledge and understanding on our side and have been here before, both in Britain and Spain, so we just have to continue to persevere and work towards our goals in a sensible, measured way. The biggest mistake would be for us to panic and do something we regret, a knee-jerk reaction to a 'hopefully' solvable situation. For now, we will survive, as we always have, and will continue to work towards the productive and fulfilling life we both desire. The next few months will once again be hard, demanding, and testing, but as ever, our fortitude and love for one another will see us through, with a little bit of help and support from all of you; Our journey will continue, albeit in circumstances we could never have predicted.

It's a little under two weeks until Darrell comes home, and I can finally say I am starting to feel relieved. At the moment, I have many emotions to contend with, from excitement to anger and anything in between; all of them are valid right now. I am of course happy Darrell is coming home, but I am also angry that so much time has been wasted; we have both lost nearly two years together, because of an Australian government, that has refused to let families see one another during this endless pandemic.

Our situation is very different to most separated family members, during the last eighteen months. Mum is still undergoing cancer treatment and Darrell has had to be with her, on and off, since 2016. The arrangement Darrell and I made, meeting each other twice a year, before COVID, crumbled as soon as Australia closed its borders. We were left in a precarious position, because of circumstances beyond our control, and there was nothing we could do about it.

Darrell and I have always thrived under the worst of situations, and if I am honest, there have been quite a few of those. Despite the difficulties we have experienced over twenty-six years together, we have always managed to come out on top. I am a follower of fate, and I believe Darrell and I were meant to be. We are husbands first and foremost, but we are more than that — soul mates, best friends and partners who continue to navigate the obstacles thrown our way.

Living apart from each other during a particularly traumatic period in history, is not something we bargained for, but like most things in our life, it will undoubtably make our relationship stronger. Tough and punishing times, really do test us to our limits, but like most people, we have had to learn to adapt to the surrounding challenges. Living life in the best way I can, has certainly been a mantra I have followed and equally Darrell has built a temporary life for himself in Western Australia. It is true to say our respective lives have diverged, but we have always been working towards the same goals and aspirations, ultimately reunited and picking up from where we left off in November 2019.

Darrell's arrival on the 16th September will signal the start of a new chapter, but it will also be the birth of another fight for survival. Plans we have discussed for the future are all well and good on paper, but in practice they may not necessarily work. Sometimes I think how different my life could have been, if I had followed a more conventional path, but then remember how lucky I am to have done the things I have. The years I have spent with Darrell certainly haven't been boring, but when it comes to finally settling down, after everything that has transpired, especially in recent times, it is hard deciding where our heart lies.

I don't want to go over the options available to us again, as I have written much about 'what happens next,' but it is important that we way up all the alternatives. Once again, I am looking at this conundrum from a positive point of view. Most people at my age have their lives mapped out for them. Living in a house, with 2.4 children, paying a mortgage, in a career they don't always like. This isn't something I have ever wanted; if I am honest, I am quite happy to continue travelling the World. This is probably where our life will take us once again, eventually.

Travelling at the moment is impossible; it looks like we will have to wait, maybe years, before we can continue flying in the same way we did before the pandemic. It is inevitable therefore, that  we will establish ourselves in a way we haven't really done before. Darrell is less keen to travel, so I envisage a time when we stay put, until Coronavirus becomes a thing of the past; like everything, it is dependent on what trajectory the pandemic takes. Talking to my Aunt last night, I said how much I missed foreign shores, the feel of the Mediterranean sun on my face or the vibrancy of Asia on my doorstep. I am also well aware I won't be stepping foot on a plane anytime soon, as much as I would like too. Holidays abroad look like distant memories, journeys just out of reach; making the best of this 'new normal' World is the only plan we have for now.

It is important we use these two weeks before Darrell arrives to think about where we go from here. Whilst COVID continues to rage across the World, it seems sensible to continue with the status quo, hanker down and continue very much in the same vein we have. This is the first time we will have to think long term, planning for happier days ahead. There will be no more living day to day and making spontaneous decisions without accounting for our actions. This is a time for reflection, contemplation and not making any rash decisions!

Thomas's 3rd Birthday

This week, my Cousin Thomas celebrated his 3rd Birthday. It was a reminder to me of just how many occasions and special events Darrell has missed since he has been living in Australia. Due to work commitments, I could only spend part of the day with family, but by all accounts he had a wonderful day.

With family now central to my life in Britain, it has become the most important reason to stay. When circumstances allow, I will be my Cousin Eli's Godfather, which is yet another basis to remain firmly in Portsmouth. In previous blogs, I have discussed the cost of property in the South of England, which is likely to be prohibitive in the long term. Staying with my Aunt in the short term is the stop gap we need, in order to save for our future, wherever it is. If we save enough, we should be able to get a small property, but that is dependent on our situation.

I am reluctant to leave my roots now; I am very happy and settled where I am and although my Aunt is fine with me living here with Darrell, I know we both will need our own place, sooner rather than later. If we do end up buying a home up north, to rent out, we are both OK about renting a small flat in Portsmouth or Southsea. We do not intend to just throw years of savings away on paying a landlord rent, and literally have nothing to show for it. It is a mark of how old I am, that I am even considering buying a retirement flat when time allows. This isn't something either of us really want to do right now; we are not in the twilight of our years yet.

As we continue to save for an uncertain future, we are aware of the difficulties ahead. It won't be until Darrell returns home, that we will really know where life will take us. Gathering together enough cash to start the process of rebuilding after the pandemic, is a priority that overtakes anything else with desire to achieve. When we have secured our path, we will then resume our journey, travelling to places we can only dream of today.

I have always done my best to help others when they are experiencing hardship; it is the mark of a civilised society, to be there for those in need. Looking at the scenes from Afghanistan over the last few weeks, has been harrowing. The frustration I feel towards The United States and Britain, in withdrawing troops from the country in such a chaotic, orderless way, is just too emotionally charged to print on here. Safe to say, I am furious and exasperated at the television broadcasts I see daily.

A few days ago, I was contacted by an Afghani, who I will refer to as Insaf, who is in a wretched situation. Having worked for the Americans, his life is now in danger, as The Taliban take over Afghanistan. Living in Kabul, he is now lying low and has asked me to pass on documentation to anyone who can help him exit the city. He has filled in the visa application required to fly to the US, but has not heard back from the immigration authorities. With the window of opportunity closing fast, it looks likely Insaf will be left behind, in a sea of anguish and desperation, like thousands of others, displaced by this dangerous withdrawal of allied troops.

Of course, as a British citizen, there is very little I can do to help, but I am trying my best. Insaf, has sent me important documents, including his National Identity Card, personal details and a 'Statement of Threat,' detailing his precarious circumstances. Reading through this document, I was terrified at what could happen to him and his family. He has had direct threats from the Taliban in person and on his phone, and has been told his life is in danger. I feel particularly helpless and just wish there was more I could do.

Whilst messaging him yesterday, I soon became aware that The Taliban were outside his house, checking his neighbourhood for anyone who had worked with or for the Americans. This poor guy was hiding from view, trying to avoid a group of people, responsible for some truly heinous acts of depravity. All I can do is chat, make sure he is OK and try to offer a semblance of calm and normality. This young man is clearly frightened and fearful, scared for his life; I can only observe from the sidelines, unaware of the dangers Insaf faces every hour. The situation in Kabul  has become increasingly desperate and deeply personal for me; this is a fight I feel involved in, and I just want to help in any way I can.

I have sent all the documentation I have to the American State Department, as well as various people here in The UK, who I believe can help. These include the Defence Secretary, Armed Forces Minister and other Members of Parliament, who can reach out and highlight his case. I have also forwarded all the information to western media outlets, inside and outside of Afghanistan, who may just be able to facilitate safe passage for Insaf and his family. I have heard back from Ben Wallace, the Defence Secretary, who has passed details of his case to the Ministry of Defence, and the hope is, he will speak to his American counterpart.

All of us at Roaming Brit want to wish Insaf well, as he navigates his journey out of Kabul. I hope he can get to safety soon, either as part of the ongoing airlift or via any of the land borders that remain open. In the meantime, I will stay in contact and continue to bring his case to the attention of the British and American Governments. People like Insaf can not be forgotten, we owe them a great deal; they must be rescued and resettled, protected from the Taliban and ensured safe passage out of Afghanistan!

I have been feeling a little under the weather over the past week. Whether because of post-operative blues or a general return to the status quo, I have felt a little sicker than usual. It would seem my IBS is returning and not all the adverse symptoms I suffered with, were because of gallbladder disease. Before the operation, I had concerns about some discomfort I was feeling under my left rib and that seems to have manifested once again, causing more distress than usual. Of course the anxiety I suffer with, doesn't help those pains, but it seems more than that. The only way I can describe it, is like having a crab attached to the side of my ribcage. It is annoying rather than extremely painful, but I am nevertheless concerned.

This gnawing pain seems to get worse throughout the day; almost non-existent in the morning, it's deeply throbbing by dusk, only relieved by sleep. I have tried stopping certain medication; increasing my Lansoprazole, used to control the production of stomach acid, as well as constantly googling symptoms, scaring myself half to death. The more I research what is going on, the worse the discomfort tends to get; it really does feel like a vicious circle.

My biggest concern is that it may have something to do with my pancreas, and naturally my mind thinks the worst. I am keeping a close eye on other indicators and despite believing they are pointing towards a worrying diagnosis, I am having to take a step back and distract myself when I can. I know health anxiety can be a real bitch when it wants, but I just need answers that I don't seem to be getting, no matter how loud I shout.

Currently, I am self-isolating for the next three days, before I have an Oesophago-gastro duodenoscopy on Friday. I have been waiting for this procedure for quite a while due to the ongoing pandemic. This morning I had to have a COVID pcr test at St Mary's Hospital in Portsmouth, in readiness for the investigations at the end of the week. I am hopeful I will begin to get some answers, about what is causing my distress, but I am also realistic. I know I have a large hiatal hernia, which could be the source of the pain, but the gnawing annoyance, could also point towards an ulcer. Whatever the prognosis, the hope is, I can finally lay this period to rest and start living life once again. If I am honest, the anxiety I feel on a daily basis is getting me down; it's finally time to get to the bottom of exactly what's going on!

A very mixed bag of views and opinions today, discussing the highs and lows of the week. For the most part I have been occupied with work, more than ever, as I get back to reality after my operation. I have also been happy to undertake some overtime, preparing for Darrell's return from Australia, a welcome piece of good news. After nearly two years apart, Darrell has booked his flight to leave Australia on 16th of September, just three weeks away now. Despite the fears we both still have about him flying during a pandemic, we are just both relieved he has set a date and is on his way home.

Darrell is luckier than most, granted permission to travel relatively quickly, but leaving Mum behind, as she continues her treatment for cancer is a wrench, hard to comprehend. He has assured the Australian government, that he will not return to the continent for at least three months. This is a difficult choice for Darrell to have to make, but given Australia's strict COVID regulations, he has no choice but to adhere to their conditions. Our hope is Mum stays well, and both of us can return to spend time with her each year. Her illness seems to be under control for now and there is a treatment plan in place to make sure she has the best care in future.

Darrell and I have discussed the future, as one would expect, but once again, due to our difficult circumstances, we are still unsure, where our heart really lies. It is hard being torn between two countries, unable to decide where to settle. We want to be around family, but the cost of staying in Portsmouth is prohibitive. The price of housing is just out of our price range, so we will have to come up with an alternative. In the interim, we would like to purchase a property up north, near to where we lived before and rent it out, while we continue to stay with family down south. In that way we would at least have a bolthole, offering us a place to escape to, should we need to relocate in the future.

Darrell has been making the most of his time left in Australia with Mum, and today they have spent time together at Caversham Wildlife Park in Western Australia. It must be so hard for Darrell having to move to the other side of the World of the World once again, leaving his family, friends, and most importantly, his Mother behind. We have really been left to the mercy of events; Coronavirus has dictated  when Darrell can and can't come home and this looks like becoming a regular feature of travel, for the foreseeable future. This isn't an ideal situation for us, just as it isn't for others, so for now we just have to comply with the law and conduct our relationship in the best way we can.

Despite being preoccupied with work and health concerns, I have been able to spend some time keeping up with events around the World. In the news this week, the allies retreat from Afghanistan. What a bloody mess we have created, leaving thousands upon thousands of people to their fate, as the Taliban take over the country.

I think I am as shocked as most people at how fast the Taliban swept through this broken state, stamping their authority over the country. As a spectator looking in, I am appalled by the way America has acted as a nation. The deadline, Joe Biden has given for palling out of the country, is 31st of August. Between now and then, the allies, that helped to build modern Afghanistan, will have to get its citizens and Afghani comrades out. These people include charity and aid workers, interpreters, officials and military personnel. Thousands of innocent people and refugees will have to be airlifted out of the region in a little over a week.

The anger and frustration I feel towards President Biden and other World leaders for washing their hands of Afghanistan and its population is immeasurable. These people gave their lives in the service of America, Britain, and others, and we have left them to die; what a disgusting way to treat them and what a terrible failure of judgement on our part.

The thousands of refugees heading towards the airport, the chaotic scenes of desperation as people beg to be put on a flight out of the country, is heartbreaking. The lives of women, children, minority groups including the LGBTQ+ community will change forever. The stoning of women, murder of gay people and assassinations of dissidents will once again become common place. Listening to these hopeless human beings speak about their fears for the future was distressing and painful, as I realised just what my Government has done to them. Western nations went into Afghanistan after 9/11 and protected them from the Taliban for twenty years. During this period they rebuilt and adopted western habits and ways, became a part of the wider World and embraced their future fully. Today, they face a desperate destiny, with many of those who helped us left behind; I shudder at what will happen to them!

It has been another soul-searching week for me, full of mixed feelings and emotions. It is lovely to have Darrell returning home after such a long time, but with my health unlike it was, I have changed dramatically since I saw him last. The pandemic has aged me out of all proportion, I have grown old beyond my years and feel every inch of my fifty years. As I view the scenes from Afghanistan, I am however reminded how lucky I am to be living in a civilised nation, with access to health care and support. This is in stark contrast to those poor people trying to escape the ravages of war in Afghanistan. Darrell and I can restart our life, these people don't have that option. The World has indeed changed and continues to evolve, beyond all comprehension, as all of us seek to find a way through the muddle and confusion, that echoes louder than ever before!

We all have those times when we are feeling low and just don't want to communicate with the World. These are the difficult periods that we would rather forget, the days we lock ourselves away from everyone and the times we can't cope any more. I am a strong advocate of solitude and spending time on my own. For me, it is a great healer and allows me a valuable breathing space. Able to finally relax, I can ponder issues and problems I have been wrestling with for some time.

As a child, I spent more time on my own than not; the truth is, I preferred my own company and my overactive imagination, that ran riot in the privacy of my own room. One has to remember, I have always written, since I was a young boy, so sitting quietly on one's own was part of the course. Whether keeping a journal or composing a short story, I was happy to remain cut off, aloof from everyone, writing my thoughts down on paper. I suppose I was one of the lucky ones, who enjoyed my own company, never getting bored and always actively writing or productively procrastinating in some form.

For a long time, I forgot how to express myself through words; after University, I became absorbed in the local gay scene and lived life to the full. I partied every night, was always out and about, visiting this person or that, and never had the time to articulate my feelings as I would have liked. There was a huge period, where I didn't document my life, as I do now, and that angers me. At a time when I should have expressed how I felt, whilst growing up gay, I was too busy getting drunk and hiding who I really was.

Coming out of one's shell and becoming the person I was meant to be, isn't necessarily a bad thing. Surrounded by like-minded individuals, who had the same outlook on life, facing the same challenges and problems, was a liberating experience. It felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders and the new me was out and proud for all the World to see. However, it wasn't quite that simple. I turned into a person I didn't really recognise; the quiet, studious, methodical and yes at times melancholy teenager had turned into a full on, in your face, camp, bitchy, sarcastic 'Queen,' who only cared about himself. If I look back to my life nearly thirty years ago, this is a period of great regret; I lost touch with the person I was and the dreams and aspirations I had!

Despite the hedonistic life I was leading, I did find some time to lock myself away and reflect on the 'madness.' My concentration span was practically non-existent back then, so I couldn't have written an extensive blog of my life, like today, I just didn't have it in me. I would often write poetry, expressing how I felt. The words were often difficult to decipher, incoherent and rambling; it was clear I was suffering from depression and anxiety, despite my new-found freedoms. As I became engrossed in the scene, I became more uptight and embittered  and the frustration I felt surfaced at the most inopportune moments. Arguing more, I pushed others away, and fell out with people almost on a daily basis. I had become a nasty individual, selfish, bombastic and unrecognisable. I needed time to myself more than ever, yet never seemed to get it. Able to look back subjectively today, I am able to see just what went wrong and more importantly why.

Without those reflective periods of solitude, I changed dramatically as a person. I, no longer, had space; there was so much inner conflict between the real me and the fake, false caricature I often portrayed, that my mental health was suffering as a result. If I had taken even a brief moment to step away, I could have seen just what was going wrong, but I barely had time to think, let alone concentrate on the bigger picture. The seclusion I craved then, is no different to the 'me time' I demand now; in contrast, I have it in spades today, as much as I want. I've learnt lessons and changed as a result; I no longer ignore what my head is telling me. Blogging has allowed me to pick up where I left off and once again do what I love most.

In 2021, I spend most of my days off on my own, writing, recording and  reflecting on each week, discussing events and circumstances that have played a role over the last seven days. After surviving difficult times in my life and realising just how much time I need for myself, I have been able to work alongside my commitments and produce writing I am proud of. Presently, I write at any given opportunity, it gives me the focus I need to get through each day and reminds me to recall events that resonate with my sense of well-being. Finding an equilibrium between writing and working has been important in my quest for balance, and I like to think I have finally achieved it. Only time will tell whether it works long term, or once again I will have to rethink the direction I am travelling in, in order to navigate this crazy word successfully. Cautious optimism, a return to solitude when necessary, and the ability to say 'NO' is my key to success in an unforgiving World.

As the day Darrell returns from Australia draws ever closer, there will inevitably be more focus on family. Both of us are happy to be living in Portsmouth for the foreseeable future, so we are already working out the logistics of such a permanent move. Long term we will buy our own property, when time, finances, and circumstances allow. For now, we are both happy enough to live with my Aunt, until the time is right. 

Darrell has also discussed getting a large seven seater car and/or motorhome. This would allow both of us, to pay a bigger role in our cousin's lives. Family holidays, days out, shopping trips, all occasions where we can be there helping out whenever we can.

With our focus firmly shifting from a life in Spain, we are mindful of the challenges we face settling down here indefinitely. From the cost of living and property, to the lack of suitable housing and employment prospects, this is a path we have trodden before. We have relocated all over the World, on numerous occasions, and I think we have both realised it is time to finally put down roots and where better than with family, in the place of my birth.  The biggest hurdle is indeed the cost of housing, which is extremely expensive in this city. We are both unsure as to just how to afford somewhere suitable, but there are options, and we just have to work through the difficulties we will undoubtably encounter.

I have grown closer to my cousins over the last few years and enjoy spending time with them. As Godfather to Eli, I want to be here as he grows up. At 50 years old, I am certainly not getting any younger, so this is an opportunity to be around those closest, rather than moving abroad and not being a part of their life. This is a complicated path to navigate; Darrell and I have always been travellers and had our sights set on living abroad. However, it is time to accept what is important and where we will fit in at our time of life.

I think if you said to us, we could return to Gran Alacant tomorrow and pick up where we left off, we would both have to think twice about staying. We did have a fantastic life there, with great friends and the lifestyle we both desired, but the lack of close family always pulled at my heart strings. It was difficult being separated from our relatives, and my time spent in the UK, has just emphasised that major source of angst and disappointment.

Both of us are really travellers at heart, and we could quite easily just keep on going, advancing into the sunset. With half a century under my belt, rational thinking is required, my health isn't what it used to be, and it looks likely I will need the NHS more now than ever. Brexit has closed many doors for Darrell and I, and we would no longer have access to the health service in Spain, nor any other European nation we decided to settle in. We need to start thinking with a level head, wisely, sensibly; my pragmatic head says stay, and that is likely what we will do.
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Yesterday I went to see my Father in Titchfield; I haven't seen him for a few months now, and it is always lovely to catch up and have a chat. Since Mum passed away, several years ago, Dad has concentrated on his garden, spending all his time doing what he loves most, and you can see his efforts everywhere you look. His large garden looks fantastic, full of colour and immaculately, lovingly looked after. I am certainly not a chip off the old block and really don't know a weed from a flower, but I can tell just how much effort Dad has put into it, he really should be proud.
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After a chat in the conservatory, Dad took me to the 'Titchfield Mill,' a local restaurant, just round the corner from his bungalow. This was the first time I have been out since my operation, and I decided to go the whole hog and order all the things I haven't been able to eat for so long. A couple of pints of beer, Banoffee pie covered in fresh cream and chocolate and a main course of Boeuf Bourguignon, all things I would have avoided before my operation. To be honest, I wasn't too sure how my body would react anyway, so was rather hesitant initially. I need not have worried, I was able to digest the meal better than I would have expected. This is good news, it possibly means the IBS I have suffered with, might well be in retreat and could have just been a symptom of gallbladder disease. It is however early days and only time will tell if that's entirely true. On the negative side, I also have to keep reminding myself that this is not the start of a slippery slope, where I eat everything that's bad for me again, putting on even more weight; I have to practice restraint and be constantly mindful of my health!

​So with an emphasis on family, I look forward to welcoming Darrell home once again. I am certainly in a more positive frame of mind and things are looking up. It felt like the beginning of yet another new chapter this week, and that can only be a good thing. As the clock counts down to my husband's return, for the first time in eighteen months the pandemic isn't on my mind. It's time to look forward to the future and restart our lives once again, like we have done, so many times before!

Today has been one of those good days; the sun in shining outside and Darrell was finally given permission to leave Australia. He has been resident in Perth, WA, for the duration of the pandemic, looking after Mum, as she battles cancer. It has been nearly two years since I last saw him and both of us were apprehensive, about whether he would even be given permission to leave Australia in the first place.

I have read much about the trials and tribulations of couples, parents, and grandparents in similar positions to us, over the last eighteen months. Many families have had to observe from afar, as relatives reached important milestones in their lives, on the other side of the World or sadly passed away without those closest by their side. It has been heartbreaking to read the terrible circumstances that surround each story, making me realise the importance of family life. Today I appreciate the people I live and work with and more importantly, recognise just how divisive and wrong Australia's policy of separating families is.

Watching the news last night, I was able to see the first relatives reunited from America and Europe. As the first flights of fully vaccinated passengers arrived in the UK, there would be no need for quarantining. Similar emotional scenes were being played out across the country, as relatives hugged each other for the first time in nearly two years.

Darrell only applied for the 'Exemption to Travel' yesterday, so it was a shock for both of us, that he was given permission to leave Australia less than 24 hours later. This was the best news both of us could have expected, and he has now been given permission to relocate to the UK within the next three months. Of course, there is much to do over the next few weeks. Darrell has arranged a suitable care package for Mum and has a series of appointments to attend, ensuring she is well enough to be left. Darrell had to sign a statutory declaration, stating he will not return to Australia for at least three months. Being denied entry during this period, even if his Mother's health deteriorates, is a huge burden to carry. He will have to be sure, in his own mind, that Mum will be well looked after and medically fit, while he remains out of the country!

Despite the now favourable circumstances, we still have many hurdles to cross. Neither of us are happy that Darrell is having to fly during a pandemic, and he is taking ever precaution to ensure a safe flight home. In order to keep within the terms of his Indefinite Leave to Remain visa, he has no option but to return to the UK by November. There are very few flights leaving for Europe at the moment, consequently there is restricted choice. There will be no cheap flights to choose from, and just limited options, avoiding the worst pandemic ridden countries, travelling only through those on the green or amber lists. Even though Darrell has been double jabbed, his vaccines have not been recognised by the British Government. We hope this will change soon, and he will be allowed straight  through immigration, without the need for quarantining. It is of course important that he doesn't fly through any red list countries, and he has enough protective clothing to keep himself safe during the flight.

After nearly two years of waiting, writing to MP's, speaking to The Home Office and legal representatives, it really does feel like we are on the home straight. The worrying and stress doesn't end now, far from it, it has only just begun. So much can still go wrong; booking flights isn't easy any more, cancellations are commonplace, and prices are volatile. Knowing some people have been charged thousands of dollars to return, just makes the anxiety even worse. There is also Mum to consider; she has started a different treatment plan and stopped chemotherapy, and it looks likely she will require a biopsy at the beginning of September; providing all the results are positive, Darrell should be on his way soon after.

For now, it's a huge sigh of relief and a period of positive thinking, as we plan for Darrell's return. We both have far more support than we could have ever wished for, so with a strong network of friends and family, all being well, we should finally see each other again in just over a month. This is the start of yet another new life together, this time back home in Portsmouth. Yes, we both look forward to the challenges ahead, because you can bet your bottom dollar, there will be plenty of them, as there always have been!

Today is the first day I have actually been able to do some writing, after the operation on Monday. I am still feeling quite groggy and disorientated, which I personally put down to the general anaesthetic I had. The truth is, I have always suffered after being anaesthetised; after an operation in the late 1980s, I was left sick for many days, so it was no surprise that I felt the same way this time. I am just thankful to have finally had my gallbladder removed.

In the evening, before my operation on Monday, I was contacted by the Hospital and asked to attend the Theatre admissions department at 6.30 am. The lady I spoke to said I would be  first on the list that day, and they wanted to get me prepped and ready for the cholecystectomy by 8.30 in the morning. There was no eating allowed before the op, and I had to bring a dressing gown and a pair of slippers with me.

I arrived at the admissions' suite early and was immediately seen by a nurse who asked me a series of questions, and took my blood pressure, it was 124/80, more or less normal, as it should be. For me, this alone is a big achievement; ditching blood pressure tablets and managing to get my blood pressure under control, with lifestyle changes, including stopping drinking and smoking was a big undertaking. She seemed pleased with the result and directed me to a room to change into a surgical gown. Finally, she gave me a pair of stockings to wear, and said I would have to keep them on for the next 48 hours, just in case of blood clots.

Whilst not the most attractive fashion statement, the nurse explained how important it was to keep these on at all times and I wouldn't be able to bathe or shower during the 48-hour period. She also told me to keep hold of them for any future long haul flight, since they would afford better protection than other shop bought travel tights. Suitably impressed, I've only just taken my tights off today. I certainly don't have a predisposition to blood clots, but one can never be too careful after surgery.

The operation lasted about an hour and a half to two hours, which was longer than expected. As a rule, it takes about forty-five minutes to remove the gallbladder, but that is dependent on individual circumstances. I had been experiencing a lot of left sided pain, so it was suggested some of the biliary ducts in the area could have been affected, although I wasn't told this for sure. The reason for removal on my discharge notes states biliary colic, which encompasses any of the scenario's that could have occurred during surgery. I was told by a friend who I used to go to school with, that she had also had a cholecystectomy and had remained in theatre for a little over six hours, which made me thankful, mine was so quick.

Despite this being a routine procedure, it is still a major operation and does take its toll on the body. Initially, it took me many hours to eventually come round after the operation. I was particularly ill afterwards, vomiting constantly; my aversion to the anaesthetic and the opiates used, made me feel dreadful, something I still haven't recovered from three days later.

According to the nurse taking care of me after the operation, the laparoscopic procedure used to remove my gallbladder, uses CO2 gas to blow up the abdomen. This makes the body cavity easier to navigate; She did stress that I would feel some residual gas afterwards, which could cause pain. The tight chest I was experiencing, which was getting worse by the minute, was the gas moving up the body. It was particularly difficult to breathe, and she gave me what she could to ease the pain.

The wounds on my torso were less painful, at least initially, although the one just above my belly button was hurting far more than the others. With a large bruise forming just below, it was clear this was where the main point of entry was. Still under the effects of the anaesthetic, I wasn't really aware of just how painful it would be later on.

I was discharged from QA at 7pm, feeling decidedly sick. It was wonderful being cared for by Nurse Beverly, a regular at The Newcome Public House where I work, who looked after me faultlessly. In typical NHS style, she brought me Ginger nuts to settle my stomach and some peppermint tea to make me feel better. They were a wonderful bunch in 'recovery' and made my brief stay as comfortable as possible.

Today is Thursday, three days after the operation, and I have only just started to feel better. The gas has almost gone now, but pain where my scars are, have really kicked in, as they begin to heal and pull ever tighter. I have been given two weeks off work and should be OK to return by then, although I will have to avoid heavy lifting for several weeks after that.

This was an operation that was a long time coming, and I am hoping that after a year and a half I can start to feel more like my old self again. I am not sure whether or not the IBS symptoms I have been experiencing, over the last three years will remain, or get worse, or better in the preceding months. No one really knows if there was a relationship between gallbladder disease and the IBS I suffered with. All I can say is I feel pretty good for now and haven't needed to take any IBS medication. My wish is I finally see the back of it, the reality is rather different. I expect my IBS to last way beyond this operation, but gradually as I start to reintroduce food into my diet, that I haven't eaten in years, I hope there will be some improvement; so far so good. For now, I remain hopeful that life will finally get better, and the pain will eventually subside!

On Monday, I finally have my cholecystectomy, after a year and a half of waiting; it has been a long road getting here, but I am glad it won't be too long before it's finally over. I was speaking to a friend recently, who has also undergone surgery to remove their gallbladder, and they were honest in their reactions. I had to agree that the pain, resulting from a failing gallbladder and the formation of stones, is like nothing I have experienced before. Without swearing, it is the most intense agony, worse than anything you can imagine. For them, it was a relief getting back to a semblance of normality, after suffering for years. I don't care how painful this operation is, I just want the damn thing out!

Over the last few days, I have had to have a number of tests done, attending QA Hospital to have blood taken, ensuring I am OK to have the procedure on Monday. As someone who hates needles, I don't think I did too badly, not fainting once. Yes, there has been an occasion when I did pass out during a blood test, but thankfully this time, I was OK and managed to get through relatively unscathed.


My first visit to Laparoscopy was on Monday, and yesterday I received a call from the Hospital, asking me to go back to have yet more blood tests, as the last one of five hadn't been accepted; the label was written out wrong and rejected by the laboratory. Luckily today, I was heading back to QA for my PCR COVID test, so with little time to spare, I ran to the outpatients department to have the sample retaken. It was important to have it done, since it would indicate my blood group, should I need a transfusion during surgery. After an apology from the head nurse, everything was done in preparation for Monday, and I could finally relax.

I have to be at the Hospital at 6.30am on Monday and have been told to bring an overnight bag with dressing gown and slippers. I expect to be in for most of the day, although my consultant told me I was first on the list. Keyhole surgery is the preferred method to remove the gallbladder, but because It has been left so long, nobody is quite sure how much damage has been done and whether or not I will need further or more intensive treatment.

I have started a three-day period of self-isolation, from today  before my op. Legally, I have to do this, in order to protect me and those I come into contact with in Hospital. I have had to do this many times during the pandemic, so I am well-used to it. I have jumped through hoops to get this operation done and will not take any risks now. Also, I am taking a lateral flow test every day until Monday, and I am hoping my PCR test comes back negative, which I will have confirmed or not in a few days.

In Australia, Darrell has had his second vaccination, one of the rare twelve percent of the Australian population that has; both of us can breathe a sigh of relief where this dreaded virus is concerned. Of course, this doesn't mean he is in the clear yet, and he won't really know how much protection he has, until he flies to the UK later in the year. We are all constantly told, that the vaccine will only help prevent serious illness and doesn't stop people actually getting the disease. The hope is, Darrell will remain safe during his journey, at a time when very few people are allowed to leave the Australasian continent.

There is still much uncertainty surrounding Darrell's return; after speaking to him over the last few days, it would seem his Mother's cancer could be causing some problems in other areas of her health. Up until now, she has been undergoing chemotherapy to treat her condition, but it  is also responsible for the Anaemia she is currently suffering from. As a result, she has been told to stop the chemo to bring it under control.

Neither of us are sure how this will affect her overall health and whether it will delay Darrell's return to Britain. We are both well aware of the importance of him flying back within a set timescale, in order to keep to the terms of his Indefinite Leave To Remain visa. What we are not so sure about, is what will happen if his Mother's health deteriorates, and he has to remain in Australia, beyond the two-year limit required by the Immigration and Nationality Directorate here back home. Once again our life together remains as bumpy as ever, as we try and find solutions to a problem, not of our making!

For now, I am focused on my wellbeing and the surgery on Monday. I am struck by how much our health has been playing a part in mine and Darrell's life together, in recent times. We are both getting older and things are certainly not going to get any easier; so for now, we will just keep muddling through the best we can, as we always have. One day, the sun will shine again, and we can get back to living life in the way we always used to!

On Monday, I had my pre-op with the Upper GI department at Queen Alexandra Hospital. Having only ever had one operation before, in the 1980s, for an emergency appendix removal, I really have no idea what to expect. According to the lovely lady I spoke to on the phone, times have changed a lot, since the last time I had a general anaesthetic. Naturally however I am worried about having major surgery, especially because I have so many other conditions to contend with, but suitably reassured, I am looking forward to having my gallbladder finally removed, after a year and a half wait.

The operation itself shouldn't be too difficult and is a relatively common procedure. It is carried out through keyhole surgery, unless they have to do an open removal, which would complicate matters and extend the recovery time. My biggest concern is how much damage has been done, because of the long wait due to the pandemic. Also, I have a lot of left sided pain, rather than right, which is unusual and may indicate something different is going on. At the moment, I just don't know how bad the damage is; this is an operation that should have been scheduled a year ago.

The severity of the pain I have been experiencing would suggest other internal processes at work. My symptoms are wide and varied, probably because of IBS and the other illnesses I suffer with, but I am trying to remain focused on the future and what happens after the operation.

Of course, I am hoping my quality of life will improve after the cholecystectomy, but that isn't guaranteed. Most people return to normal afterwards and are able to eat a conventional diet, but for others it isn't that simple.  For some, eating a diet that contains fat of any kind is impossible, with the body unable to process it in the same way again; this isn't dissimilar to my eating habits today. Currently, I can only eat very small amounts of fat in my diet, due to a dysfunctional gallbladder. If I do consume too much, the pain is unbearable, and I am immediately sick. I am so careful with what I consume, because of the terrible symptoms I suffer, if I stray too far away from natural, non-processed foods. I am well aware of the difficulties ahead, but am prepared to have the procedure anyway, in order to try to get back to a semblance of normality and a regular routine, of sorts.

It looks like I will be off work for a couple of weeks, while the wounds heal. I will be left with five small scars across my abdomen, after the gallbladder is removed. Initially they will be sore, but should improve quickly, and I should be up and about in a relatively short time. Unable to do anything strenuous for six weeks, I hope to be back to my old self by September, although I will probably live with Gastrointestinal issues for a lot longer. Naturally, I have read much on the operation, especially in conjunction with IBS, and I am apprehensive, my IBS may get worse. I have so many GI issues now, that my stomach just doesn't know whether it's coming or going, and I have a feeling this is something I will have to live with long term. Preparing for the worst is my forte; being the realist I am, I just have to keep hoping for the best case scenario!

Sadly, Darrell will not be here when I am in Hospital, which of course adds extra anxiety, to an already challenging situation. Like so many other milestones in our life together recently, we will not be together, and that makes everything more difficult. Having an operation, whilst my partner is in another country, is going to be hard. I keep having thoughts of not waking up and never seeing him again. I have been preparing for any eventuality and making sure all my affairs are in order before my op on the 26th. Making sure Darrell is aware of any issues that may arise, is top of my agenda, just in case the worst happens, but let's not dwell and only concentrate on the new beginning that will follow.

On Monday I have a series of blood tests, to check my iron levels and make sure I am well enough to have the operation, then on Friday I will have a PCR COVID test and immediately go into self-isolation, before the operation on Monday morning. I have been told it may be a long wait and that I will also have to stay in hospital afterwards, to be monitored, mainly because I don't have anyone who can be with me for 24 hours after the procedure. Staying in hospital during a pandemic, is also not something I am looking forward to, but I am aware I will be kept in the safest parts of QA and will be as protected as I can be.

Whatever the outcome, I am just glad it will be finally over. Unless the pandemic really accelerates and hospital beds fill, cancelling the gallbladder operation. I hope to be back at work within a few weeks, until then, I'll just sit, worry, procrastinate and act like the nervous wreck I normally am; it's the way I have always muddled through and part of the person I have always been.