After another GI diagnosis last Thursday and ongoing pain, I have decided to radically change my diet. I have been feeling so sick in recent times, that this is the only course of action I feel I can take now, to try and ease my symptoms. I have so many Gastric issues, that I really am not sure what to do for the best, but I have started by removing most meat from my diet and have begun the process of transferring to a predominantly plant based diet. This sounds great on the surface and not too difficult to achieve, but when one factors in all my problems it is actually a nightmare.

Keeping meat to a minimum should help to reduce my digestive predicament. Meat is probably the hardest food to consume, for me at least, so anything that reduces this ongoing hurdle is welcome. I have also discovered I can no longer eat dairy and am possibly lactose intolerant, but will have to undergo further tests to find out for sure. Gluten is another area of concern, which seems to be eased by only eating sourdough bread. Then there is IBS, and that is the most demanding condition of all. There is so much I can't eat any more - spicy food to onions, garlic, chocolate and fatty foods, processed and sugary comestibles, curry, chilli and heavy sauces. The difficulty breaking down fat, probably has more to do with my recent diagnosis of gall stones than anything, but it is an extra element to this GI dilemma.

The hiatus hernia, also has its fair share of demands and I have had to give up alcohol, except for a very occasional drink and large portions of food, which are hard to metabolise. The hernia has caused some swallowing difficulties, so I have to chew my food longer and more thoroughly, drinking water after every mouthful; life is becoming such a chore right now. Finally, Diverticular Disease; This has its own unique set of challenges - beans, certain fruit and vegetables and any food that is fermented is detrimental to my constitution. Added together, I am living through a torment, that never seems to end.

Tonight I cooked a soya bolognaise, used celery instead of onions, peppers, mushrooms and plenty of spinach and it tasted OK, just OK. There wasn't a lot of flavour to it, so I need to find an IBS friendly spice to give it a bit of oomph in the future. I did put a few teaspoons of Marmite in, which did help, but it just had something missing. Cooking for all the conditions I have is going to be difficult, but I am determined not to give up. I'm not able to have the necessary procedures to solve my gastric contentions presently, so will continue very much in the same vein as I am now.

The COVID pandemic has only made my life harder, unable to access many of the services that would help me right now, but I hope, in time, as we move towards the post Coronavirus World, I will finally be able to get to grips with my gastric symptoms. None of these conditions are deadly, but my quality of life has been severely hampered and a determination to get back to normal is the motivation that spurs me ever onwards, every day, hoping to beat the demons that currently plague my thoughts!

Thursday, I attended an ultrasound appointment at a decidedly empty St Mary's Treatment Centre in Portsmouth. This latest consultation is yet another in a long line, as I try and get to grips with my IBS diagnosis. As a rule an IBS sufferer would not have to undergo such a series of comprehensive tests, but as I approach fifty years of age, it is important that my GP rules out anything sinister that may account for the severity of my symptoms. I have been suffering from a number of gastrointestinal issues for several years now, ever since I was prescribed a course of antibiotics to treat a particularly nasty UTI; my gut health just hasn't been the same since.

I was diagnosed with diverticular disease several years ago, after undergoing a sigmoidoscopy; I thought I finally had a diagnosis, that with careful management, would lead to a more comfortable life. Eating the right foods and other lifestyle changes, should go a long way in helping me live with the common condition. It really isn't unusual for someone of my age to suffer from this disorder; a western diet and behaviours all contribute towards the small pouches that form in the sigmoid colon, creating discomfort, occasional infection and sporadic complications. However, the pain I was experiencing, didn't conform to the stereotypical norms for this indisposition.

I decided to try and find answers, as to what exactly was going on. The Doctors constantly put my GI malaise and anxiety down to IBS, as they frequently do, when they can't find answers. To be honest it was easy to see why, I have all the classic symptoms, which do seem to be exacerbated by stress. A prescription of Mebeverine, Buscopan, probiotic pills and enzymes were given, but did little to ease the symptoms. I changed my diet, discovering by accident that I was lactose intolerant. I stopped eating normal bread, swapping to Sour Dough alternatives instead and significantly reduced my intake of fatty, sugary and spicy foods. This dramatic change has actually helped a lot, and I am no longer suffering from the extreme complications I used to experience; nevertheless, something inside was telling me there was more to this and I continued to seek answers.

Three months ago I was taken to Hospital, in the middle of this pandemic, with a suspected heart attack and was given a series of tests to determine the cause of the agony. Eventually the A&E Doctor came back to me with a Hiatal Hernia diagnosis, and I was immediately prescribed Omeprazole to help with the intense pain. The effectiveness of this drug soon waned, and I was given a twice daily dose of Lansoprazole instead, which thankfully does its job and I have little ongoing irritation and even less flare-ups than I used too. Once again, I thought I finally had the answer and hoped things would start to get back to normal; nothing could be further from the truth, and my symptoms just got worse, prompting me to insist that my GP does everything he can to get to the bottom of this saga.

It has been difficult and challenging trying to get answers during this COVID pandemic, but my surgery have been amazing at helping me try to solve this GI jigsaw. I have had blood, urine and stool tests as well as physical examinations, but am still no clearer as to what is going on. Recently, after a terrible bout of pain I filled in an online form at my surgery urging my GP to refer me for an ultrasound, a procedure I had read about online and something that could shed further light on my problems. He agreed to my request and I went for the scan on Thursday this week.

During the ultrasound, which did hurt it has to be said, the consultant discovered I had gallstones and said it was likely my gall bladder would have to be removed, as these small stones would otherwise keep coming back. She reassured me this was perfectly normal and would be carried out during keyhole surgery, stressing that you can live quite happily without the gall bladder. Again I was given yet another piece in the GI jigsaw I have been trying to put together, but whether this is the end of the matter, I very much doubt.

Because we are living through a pandemic, I am not able to have an endoscopy and further sigmoidoscopy recommended by my Doctor, so I still don't have a full picture of my circumstances. I have no idea when any operation will be scheduled, because all non-essential surgical interventions are on hold, but I am at least happier I am beginning to understand the issues, that have been affecting me over the last few years. Everyone I have spoken to and discussed my problems with, thought I was overreacting I am sure, saying my anxiety was responsible for the pain, but I know now that wasn't the case, and I was right to pursue answers. I do have IBS, but there are clearly other factors at play here; as the consultant said on Thursday, 'I will probably see a reduction in symptoms, when all the gastrointestinal problems are solved,' muddling through temporarily, until I can finally breathe happily again. Too often we are fobbed off and discouraged from seeking answers to problems, that can all to easily be defined as IBS. It is up to us to insist, scream and shout if necessary, in order to feel well and alive once again, getting the treatment we deserve and care that is so often lacking! 

Today, the Governments new 'rule of six' has been introduced across the nation. No more than six people are allowed to meet together, as the number of UK Coronavirus cases rise to more than three thousand a day. It is clear we are heading towards a second COVID wave and the coming weeks will determine the course of this deadly virus. Whether the public take notice of this new directive, only time will tell, but I don't have high hopes. Walking around the streets of Portsmouth over the last few days, just before 'the rule of six' came into force, I was shocked by the number of people in the streets, partying, as if nothing was going on!

Like most people, I am confused by everything that has been implemented thus far. I have no idea if we should still be following the 'bubble' strategy that was introduced months ago, allowing households to socialise with other single people, or if we can still meet in groups outside in an open space, following social distancing rules. The truth is, I no longer understand what is going on. I am so bewildered by this whole fiasco, that I am no longer following any of the laws introduced by this Government and that's not for want of trying. It's not that I set out to break the rules, but rather, I find it impossible to decipher them sufficiently.

At the height of the Coronavirus pandemic, the Government reported information daily. All of us were able to listen to Ministers explain the situation and tried to follow what we were being told to do. Despite my misgivings, I did my best to conform to the new normal and applied the edicts to my life as well as I could. Don't get me wrong I still felt muddled at the chaotic advice, but at least I was given enough information to make an informed decision about what I should do.

Today there are no scheduled daily briefings and the information we have is confusing and lacking detail. There are so many rules and regulations at play now, that I have lost the will to live. If I am disoriented, then God knows how the rest of you feel. I have always taken and interest in politics and current affairs and watch the news several times a day, so for someone, who shows no interest in international events, there must be even more exasperation. I find myself shrugging and throwing my hands in the air, irritated and aggravated, more often now than ever, and I am not the only one.

Whoever I talk to, I am struck by the lack of understanding on the pandemic guidelines, designed to make us all safe. I was given different answers and interpretations of processes that should have been easy to understand. How can this Government expect us to toe the line, when Ministers interviewed on television don't understand the implications themselves. This is a Government that picks and choses their own directives to follow, yet expects us to do as we are told,  without question. If I understood just what was expected of me, then I would have no issue, but I don't and am sick of the empty platitudes, patronising campaigns and lack of clarity. This is a Government that has failed and doesn't deserve our support; I feel ashamed to call myself British!

I will continue doing what I always do; I will limit contact with friends and family, as I have always done, wear a mask in public places and keep two meters away from others. I do not comprehend the concept of 'bubbles' or 'the rule of six' so have dismissed their relevance in my life. All I do is work, eat and sleep, I don't socialise or have close apposition with anyone and that will remain. My life has become dull and boring, without laughter and joy and that makes me sad, but without my husband home with me, that will always be the case; I am really just going through the motions, staying safe and waiting for the end of this terrible time in my life. My advice to all of you, is do what you think is best. You all understand the risks and the need to wash hands and socially distance, you don't need an inept Government telling you accordingly. When all this is over, look back at your response and feel proud of your efforts, unlike Boris and his motley crew of bandits who lost the plot months ago!

Darrell and I have always been inseparable, rarely spending anytime apart, despite coming from different parts of the World. Our biggest battles always revolved around remaining together, no matter what the circumstances. There were many milestones, that contributed to our outlook on life and despite the obstacles in our way, we never once considered giving up on each other.

I have always been a determined character and when I put my mind to something, I can achieve everything I wish for. As a gay man, I had to work harder than most to realise my dreams and more often than not, everything I did, no matter how hard I tried, ended in abject failure. The one aspect of my life I could always rely upon and be proud about, was my relationship, and the belief I have in partnership, between two individuals, no matter what their sexuality. I suppose I always looked towards my parents for an example in this regard, who remained together, despite what transpired in their life, up until Mum's death last year.

Darrell is a husband, but he is also a soul mate. We are very different personalities, but essentially our perspective on life is the same. Our relationship is the most important foundation; the Linch-pin that holds both of us together, even in the most arduous of circumstances. 'Lesser mortals' couldn't have endured the hardships we have and still remained the strong unit we are today. Together we can achieve anything we put our minds to, even if the ending isn't always as we would have liked.

It is true to say, we have failed more times than I care to remember, the resulting pain and anguish has always taught us much about human nature and more importantly ourselves, as we claw our way back to a semblance of normality once again. The process of fighting, struggling and resistance is often difficult to overcome, but no matter what the circumstances, we have always, without fail, managed to rebuild and restart our lives. Most of us have knock backs along the way, but when you consider our backgrounds, sexuality and lack of support, we have suffered more than most. Nobody told me how bumpy the ride would be when I met Darrell, if they had, maybe I would have thought twice, but the fact is, no one can tell you who to fall in love with; love does indeed conquer all.

I still believe in happy endings, and  hope we will live happily ever after, even when the odds are stacked against us. We will never have the security my parents enjoyed, and will always struggle for every penny we earn, but ultimately we can find peace together. Whether we are living in a caravan in Spain, a flat in a tower block or a tent in a field, we will have each other. The pull of dreams unfulfilled and the memories of times, when we did accomplish all we desired, the travelling around the World and people we met, lived, loved, cried and fought with, is a reminder of what it is like to live, really live and experience a life that others could only dream of.

When we speak to each other once a week, we can put the World to rights, discuss our hopes and fears for the future and encourage each other to do better. As we try and comprehend this strange new planet we now inhabit, positivity, strength of character and a desire to succeed, should gently push us towards a destiny where fortune prevails.... Even if it doesn't! All we need is time, a bit of luck and a belief in ourselves, then maybe, just maybe we'll be winners once again!

Yesterday I overheard a conversation between two men, discussing the 'sunflower lanyard' scheme. People with hidden disabilities can wear one around their neck, when out and about, alerting others around them about a hidden disability they may have. For someone who works in a shop like me, it is invaluable. It communicates a message, telling me that someone may need some extra help when shopping, or indicating they are exempt from wearing a mask while walking through a public space.

I have spoken to many customers and friends alike, who have experienced abuse and attacks from others during this pandemic, for not covering their faces. These may include people who suffer with COPD or a young adult who suffers from a panic disorder, where a face covering could cause lasting damage and harm. These are the people who are targeted for not following Government guidelines, shouted and screamed at by others who do not understand their 'hidden disability' and targeted for their vulnerability.

Supermarkets like Tesco offer free 'sunflower lanyards' to shoppers who genuinely can't adorn a mask, allowing them the ability to shop in relative peace and comfort, knowing they won't be confronted by an irate bystander, who doesn't understand their plight. I am a true champion of this innovate project and am thankful it exists at a time when we really need it. Vulnerable adults and children need to be protected now, more than ever, this simple strategy goes a long way to ensure this happens.

After listening to this one-sided conversation for a few minutes, calling those who wear lanyards 'fakers' and not truly having a  disability at all, I'm afraid I lost it, telling him exactly what I thought of him, producing a lanyard from my own pocket. This thoroughly unpleasant man, someone who I have had to listen to in the past, frequently, seemed a little rattled by my intervention and soon left.

I make no apologies for standing up for all those who suffer with a hidden disability, it disgusts me that someone would even dare to challenge vulnerable individuals who owe people like him no explanation, as to why they aren't wearing a mask. Sometimes you just have to stand up for what is right, no matter what the consequences. What's more, this grotesque individual was shouting at the top of his booming voice, in close proximity of others, without wearing a face covering himself. He would turn round and say it didn't have to wear one because of where he was, rather like those he was lambasting publicly, due to their exemption; hypocrisy at its worst.

If you do have a reason for not wearing a mask, please go to participating outlets, like Tesco, where you will be given a lanyard to help you during your future shopping trips. If you are ever confronted or aggressed, report the incident and above all don't take the abuse thrown at you, bullying is wrong under all circumstances and no one has the right to challenge you for protecting your health!

I've had a pretty unremarkable week if I am honest, just plenty of working on the agenda. Since the easing of lockdown restrictions, I have become busier than ever, doing as much overtime as possible. Saving money rather than spending it is a rather alien concept for me, but nevertheless I have been doing just that, tirelessly, and have built up quite a nest egg for the future. Today I actually have more money than I have ever had and am finally looking forward to a rosy future. Equally, Darrell is saving hard in Australia and by the time this dreadful pandemic has passed, we should have enough money to finally settle down in the country of our choice..

Darrell travelled home to Kalgoorlie this week, a gold mining town in the Western Australian outback.  Once a year, he is given a free ticket to travel anywhere in the state for a holiday, offering a welcome break away from the pressure he is under every day. Travelling to see his old school friend Tina, he was able to walk a path he hasn't walked for many years, remembering his childhood in a town that he has had a rather difficult relationship with.

Kalgoorlie is a small town, deep in the Australian desert, with a big attitude. Rather like small town America, Kalgoorlie has its fair share of extreme views, conservative values and right wing attitudes, from a bygone era that most of us are glad to see the back of. Darrell used to tell me about his feelings growing up gay in this provincial back-water, where men were men and women knew their place. In truth, he didn't paint a very nice picture of the place, constantly referring to it as a dust bowl, homophobic and racist. This is the place where he grew up however and in the same way I still hold my childhood home of Fareham with affection, I could tell in his voice, he was happy to see it once again.

Speaking to Darrell on the phone it was clear he enjoyed his trip away. Seeing the changing scenery as the train travelled through open farm land and bush, relaxing on the six-hour journey was refreshing after the year he has had.

Staycations both in the UK and Australia are 'all the rage,' as a television commentator referred to it on 'Good Morning Britain' this morning. All of us are trying to make the most of worldwide lockdown conditions in this COVID era, so staying at home is part of the 'new normal,' the order of the day. This arduous chapter has given Darrell the opportunity to travel back to a distinct time in his life, one that wasn't always happy or memorable. Like me, his childhood wasn't easy, but it made us both who we are and sometimes it helps to retrace one's steps along a road that essentially began our journey together. When I am able, I will also go to Australia and see the town where Darrell spent his childhood, until then I have been happy to see the photographs along with all of you.

Both of us returned home to our respective countries for the same reasons, to be with our families at a traumatic time. With my Mother sadly departed, I am no longer needed here; ideally I would like to fly to Australia to be with my husband and Mother, but with the World in so much turmoil, that is impossible, and I am making the best of my situation. Luckily I am staying with a loving Aunt and family, who have done everything to support me through these last couple of years. Despite everything, I do at least have the satisfaction of getting to know my extended family once again. All of us are where we are for a reason and it is clear, I am supposed to be here at this point in my life. This is a period I will remember for all eternity, a special phase, that I will never forget, this is a time I grew stronger as a person and finally realised where my heart belongs, with the person I fell in love with twenty-five years ago!

Contact with Darrell is more important now than ever. He is feeling particularly alone and has very little contact with friends and family here in the UK. He has removed himself from most social media platforms and despite efforts to remain connected with loved ones in Britain, he has been unable to stay as close to people as he would like. I use facebook to keep in contact with many individuals I would otherwise have lost touch with, and without it, I would find it almost impossible to do so, so I can understand why Darrell is finding it hard.

Both of us are starting to make plans for the future, after COVID, but without an endless supply of money, we have to be mindful of our situation. Darrell and I have little or no disposable income, and we save every spare penny we have for our future. It is important we stay focused on our goal of finally having a permanent roof over our heads and do everything we can to achieve that. Buying a home in the UK is completely out of  reach, so it is likely we will once again move abroad and invest in a country that we both love and want to settle in - Spain and Croatia are top of our list, countries we both feel happy in.

As my low moods have increased, I continue to do the things I enjoy most, which does help to get through the worst days. Volunteering has become a cure for my darkest moments. I work with a group of like-minded individuals, who enjoy campaigning for Cancer Research. Unlike most conventional jobs, all of us are happy to be grafting for our chosen charity. The sense of enthusiasm and togetherness shows in our hard work, determination and most importantly, our sense of fun. Monday is the most important day of the week for me, always filled with laughter, optimism and pragmatic energy. My levels of anxiety are reduced significantly and  sense of well-being improved from spending just a short few hours with friends, in a setting that never fails to let me down.

I was also fortunate to have a cup of tea and socially distanced chat with Mrs F, a lady I have tried to take under my wing and look out for, especially during this pandemic. She has very little contact with family, like me, so I like to offer a sympathetic ear, when she needs to talk about the difficulties she faces on a daily basis. Sometimes it feels good to listen to others problems, it puts ones own issues into perspective. Mrs F is a fighter who remains stoical, even in the most extreme circumstances, and she is an inspiration to me. If each and every one of us could spend just a little time with someone like Mrs F, all our lives would be richer and better for it.

Any activity that helps me forget my own problems is welcome. Distractions from the constant pain of IBS, numerous ailments and family difficulties is an important part of my week. Channelling energy into constructive, unequivocal pursuits is really helping me deal with the negativity and thought-provoking moments that just tend to linger. These are such challenging times that I fear I will never overcome my current state of mind. I am thankful for the friends and family I have and hope that it won't be too long before I can finally be happy and content again. Persevering, learning to cope with adverse times and remaining grounded, assured, balanced and rational are the words and phrases I use, to remind myself that nothing lasts forever, especially not today!

It's been yet another difficult week for me, not unlike the last  if I am entirely honest. I do tend to dwell on things and I just haven't been able to shake negative thoughts from my mind. I have suffered with depression for most of my life and for the most part have had to learn to deal with it myself. When I look back at the darkest points, the most difficult, challenging times, I am reminded of the connection they all share, namely the people, and the influences they exerted over my sense of well-being, in a negative or positive way!

Last week I was reminded of just how nasty people can be and that continues to remain a source of angst. I have done all I can to rebuild bridges and become a better person, especially after the death of my Mother last October. I thought I had reached a 'happy' point in my life and was feeling a little more content with my situation, even with my husband being trapped on the other side of the World, during the middle of a pandemic, but it seems, I was wrong. My feelings and emotions have taken a back seat over the last year, because other people have needed the support and encouragement to rebuild and rethink their lives. I have been patient and happy to give my time, to ensure a more agreeable consensus is achieved and I believed we had reached a happy medium, but that wasn't the case.  I feel totally flat and deflated and am worried I may be heading towards a place I don't want to go.

I have learnt much about depression over the years; in the past I had a profusion of pills I could use to help get me through the day, antidepressants to take the edge off the way I was feeling or therapy to support me, as I worked through the stresses of life. Today however, I am relying on my willpower, determination and mindset to help get me through, what is becoming a tough and beguiling time. I really do not want to go down the medication route as it just masks the problems I have, leaving them as real as ever, only simmering on the back burner until a later date. I haven't  had to face my demons without a little medical help before, but it is something I need to do now.

Speaking to a friend yesterday, they were concerned I wasn't my usual self and the truth is, I'm not. I feel so let down on many fronts; it is taking a toll on my personality; I have become insular and aloof from the people I need most and that isn't a good sign for me. Nevertheless, it is all I have to deal with the hurt I am feeling and I will continue to do what I believe is right. I have given all my life and never received anything in return. I am withdrawing an important part of who I am, because of what someone has once again done to me. Having been brought down to a level I am not comfortable with I am trying to work out what to do for the best. Life is one big struggle, which seems to have got harder and I just don't want to deal with it; I don't have the fight in me to confront or agonise over circumstances that were not of my making.

All I can do today is escape from the dejection and sadness that I feel and deal with the aftermath at a later date. I am throwing all my energy into work, doing as much overtime as possible and looking for other creative outlets for my writing, so I can continue to express myself in a positive way, on a platform away from this blog. This is a personal forum to showcase my emotions as honestly as I can, but sometimes honesty with oneself isn't the way to overcome tempestuous upset, it just allows me to indulge in a sea of self-pity, selfishness and defeatism. As my mood changes, so does my writing and throughout the last five years of this blog, I have encountered many ups and downs, this is yet another bump in the road, that will play out in front of a readership who hopefully understands the difficulties I face.

I am currently watching Schitt's Creek on Netflix, a hilarious take on failure and loss of wealth and the challenges faced by a family left impoverished, having to pick up the pieces of a broken life. We have all done that from time to time, it is a reminder that life doesn't always run smoothly and although only a television programme, it has offered me an escape at a stressful time. Watching TV, writing, working and social media has given me a channel to relieve the pressure I feel under currently. Speaking to Darrell in Australia is also a welcome break from the tension and trepidation I feel constantly and I hope it will continue to get me through the  dark days.

None of us are finding life easy during this pandemic. In the past, if I had felt the way I do today, I would have just taken off for a few days away or gone to see friends, things none of us can do presently. I am not used to coping with situations beyond my control and will just have to muddle through somehow. Looking out for number one, concentrating on myself for a bit and doing what I want, rather than what people expect of me should help in the short term. Eventually I will come to terms with my retrogressions and past mistakes, of that I have no doubt. Today I want to stay focused and determined to build a future for Darrell and I and finally accept that I will never be the person others want me to be, then and only then will I have made it, comfortable with the person I am and happy to smile again!