I have suffered with anxiety and depression for many years, which I cope with remarkably well these days. When people look at you, they don't really see the full story. On the surface I am a happy, cheerful and accommodating person, deep down, I am nothing but. Those who are closest to me, understand the difficulties I go through, but unless you live in my body, you will never fully appreciate the depression that makes me who I am.

There are many reasons why I have depression, many of which have been discussed in this and other blogs I have written, but the biggest factor in why I am the individual I am, is really my sexuality. I never used to like who I was; as a child growing up gay, I was always aware of my differences and realised I was different from most of my peers, consequently, I have always found friendships difficult, afraid that being gay would influence others views of me. For most of my childhood, I kept myself, very much to myself and led a very insular life as a result. When you are hiding a secret, the last thing you want is people knowing who you really are.

Depression brought about from bullying, loneliness and an inability to be myself dominated my life for years and the truth is I have never really recovered from it, still experiencing depressive episodes today. I have however learnt to cope with dark moods and outwardly you would never see the cloud that hovers above me.

For the first time in my life, I am actually doing what I want to do and not what others expect of me. Importantly, I don't have just one job, I actually have three, this way I find each day is different and I don't ever feel unfulfilled. Working in a supermarket, behind a bar and volunteering, together give me a sense of satisfaction, that I have never felt before. These positions bring out contrasting sides of my personality and I am able to enjoy each day, knowing that tomorrow will be different. If I am not working, I am blogging and writing, which also allows me to concentrate on myself, my lonely side, the selfish, self indulgent part of my personality, that details my inner thoughts and feelings, the side of me that people read about each day in this blog. Blogging is the most positive aspect of my life, but it isn't something I could do everyday. Being wrapped up in ones own sense of self importance is a sure way to detach oneself from the reality of life. I have been there before and suffered as a result.

Of course the happiest places are those spent with other people. At Cancer Research I am surrounded by friends. Everyone I work with in Commercial Road are now close and I hold them in the highest regard. These benevolent people have given me a sense of purpose in my endeavours, witnessing the best side of human nature. Their advice and conversation has got me through some very testing times over the last year and a half and without them I could well have sunk to new lows.

Equally colleagues and customers at The Newcome have also become close comrades and people I enjoy spending time with. The evening I work behind the bar in this backstreet pub, are always enjoyable and something I look forward to. People often turn round to me and ask 'why do you work so damn hard, why don't you just take a step back and relax a bit more?' The only answer I can give, is because I am genuinely happy with my lot in life and that is all that matters. I spent far too long in the past dealing with episodes of depression; now I have learnt to deal with it, I am going to make the most of however long I have left!

My life really hasn't been easy or conventional. I have had to deal with a lot of emotional stress which has taken a massive toll on my physical well-being. Many of the ailments I have today are  a direct result of the disadvantages I endured in the past. I was part of the last generation of homosexuals to be discriminated against for being who they were and this was a major stumbling block in coping with life. Happiness and contentment, not money and prestige are the most important factors when determining my direction now. Doing things that allow me to finally be the person I want to be is worth all the tea in China. Growing up feeling abandoned by society is hard, but I am pleased I have finally found a way to deal with the demons of the past and am at last enjoying the life I should have had!

It was back to the Cancer Research fold today, after a few weeks break. Not only have I been busy, working everyday for over a fortnight, but I have had a few personal issues to sort out. It really felt good to be back with the gang, even though I did find it hard.

Let me explain...

...On Thursday I was put on beta blockers, a drug that slows your heart rate down. As a person, I have always suffered with anxiety, nothing major, but enough of an issue to see my Doctor about. On top of this, I have had some blood pressure and heart issues, culminating in a rather high heart rate of 198 beats per minute. After explaining my concerns to my GP, she suggested taking beta blockers, they not only slow your heart down but also help deal with the physical symptoms of anxiety. Well I duly followed her advice and started a course of Propranolol on Thursday; 40 mg up to three times a day, hoping to at least start dealing with the concerns I currently have.

I have been in a little bit of a daze since taking these pills and have found adjusting to them rather difficult, but understand it is important to carry on taking the medication. Today with my heart rate down to 55 beats a minute, I made my way to Cancer Research to begin a few hours work, hoping to overcome the side effects I am suffering. Being around Zerina and everyone who work there is always a tonic and I got through the day remarkably well, despite feeling lightheaded and rather unsteady at times. I have reduced the dose of Propranolol I am taking, from 40mg to 10mg, hoping to gradually increase the level administered over the next few weeks. I really am not enjoying the ghastly aftermath these tablets are causing, but am sure it will change in time.

Interestingly another volunteer was able to reassure me about beta blockers, explaining his difficulties using them himself, allowing me to breath a sigh of relief somewhat, understanding more about just how this medication works. For a time this morning I was concerned my heart was beating far too slowly, but believe this is all part of the initial stages of 'bedding in,' as my body gets used to its new regime. The advice I was given today has lifted my mood and allowed me to look forward positively, trying to focus on the bigger picture, rather than panicking about the side effects.

Being around the team at Cancer Research was a joy this Monday, lifting ones spirits at an onerous time; enjoying the company of friends, dressing up and in lighthearted mood, I was able to put my problems on the back burner. Laughter is the biggest medicine of all, better than all the beta blockers in the World, so it's the most important time of the week for me, a time that I will always cherish fondly, making money for good causes, memories for today and affording meaning where there was none; there's no better pay packet than that!

The August Bank Holiday Monday was hot and I was spending the day at The Queens Hotel in Southsea, at a garden party in the sun! The tribute act 'Forever Queen' were playing to a packed audience in this plush Portsmouth hotel.

I arrived with some friends from work and spent an enjoyable time, relaxing after another busy week. There were many people at this holiday event and it was fantastic to just let ones hair down for a few hours, drinking, dancing and chatting with those who play a significant role in my life.

What could be better, after sitting in the hot sun for the afternoon, but a civilized meal with more colleagues and friends at the John Jacques in Fratton. For me, a few pints of orange juice and lemonade and a rather diet busting, calorific all day brunch, followed by cake and ice cream; comfort food, to end the perfect day!

Keeping fit and trying to lose weight, has always been an activity, I have had difficulty with. I have spent my whole life dieting in one way or another, so it is natural I have reached another crossroads in my life, where I need to do something to get healthy once again. To be honest, I did consider another strict calorie controlled diet, but soon realised it wouldn't work. Why wont it work? Well I have tried that approach many times before and I have always failed somewhere down the line, usually just a few days into it!

This time I wanted to do something different and really start to eat healthier, without restricting myself too much. As an all or nothing person, I have never chosen the middle ground; extremes are my forte. During the times when I did rigorously eat an uncompromising diet, it felt like a prison sentence and I soon got fed up with the austere nature of what I was doing. All I did was crave the things I liked and eat the things I didn't. This was a sure fire way to fail and it wasn't long before I got fed up with the whole palaver and just continued down a self destructive path of binge eating, even in secret.

So today I am cutting down, choosing healthier alternatives and most importantly reducing the size of the meals I eat. On top of this sensible eating plan, I have also decided to reduce the carbohydrates in my diet dramatically, but not altogether. If I stop eating carbs completely, I will crave them all the more and surely fail at the first hurdle. Buying food that is lower in carbohydrates is a good start for me; low carb bread as well as fresh fruit and vegetables and more salads should help me lose weight. Yesterday I also made some Cauliflower Rice, by blending the vegetable up into grain size pieces and quickly frying it in olive oil; served with Chili, it tasted delicious. It worked surprisingly well, despite my initial apprehension and didn't taste of cauliflower at all.

So it's back to healthy eating for me, not a bad thing when one considers the amount of walking I do a day and the cigarettes I no longer smoke. It is about time I took charge of my own destiny, and as I drift towards my fiftieth year, I am fully aware of what I need to do in order to live a longer, healthier life. My body no longer feels and acts like the twenty year old, who used to drink, smoke  and party hard; today it is in need of an MOT and an overhaul, accepting what it can and can't do. Realising ones age and changing ones lifestyle is an important part of maintaining the perfect balance between body and mind. My mind is as healthy as it has ever been, my body, well, just needs work...Could do better as they say. Hopefully this time, I will succeed where I have failed in the past!

Today I made a visit to see Mother and Father, at their home in Catisfield. It has been a while since I saw my parents; work commitments and a busy lifestyle has prevented me from seeing them as much as I would like. However, with some spare time on my hands, no weekly Doctors appointment and a break in the bad weather, I made the short journey to see them both.

Mum was in fine fettle, looking far better than she did the last time I saw her. Mother is doing so well, she no longer needs to see the District Nurse on a regular basis and has been discharged from her care. Of course it is difficult accepting that Mum will be confined to bed permanently, but in truth, she is far better off for it. Before, she was confined to a wheelchair, walking maybe a short distance on her prosthetic legs when she was able. After a third amputation, she has found it impossible to continue walking at any level, so remains bed bound, but seemingly in better spirits. Mum at least has the luxury of sleeping in a bed now, where as before, she slept upright in her wheelchair, in itself a life limiting existence.

Mum and Dad have a lovely home, with extensive gardens, something Mum is able to see through her bedroom and into the sun room beyond. When one is confined to a bed, it is important to have access to the outside World, even if it is through glass, and Mum does have fabulous views, peaceful, with a large tree lined park beyond. As readers to this blog are aware, my Mother and Father had proposed moving to a luxury gated community in their dotage, but have recently pulled out of their commitment, deciding to stay in their family home. I am pleased they have made this decision and am glad they will be remaining in the place they know best. Living in a luxury apartment would not have been ideal for Mum, looking at four walls, in eye shot of a car park. At home they have access to far more than they realised and will hopefully make the best of what future lies ahead!

All of us had a chat about politics as we always do and also discussed the future. My father has been told he will probably have to have an operation in a few years to replace his hip due to arthritis. As Mothers chief carer, this will of course impact on both their lives. Dad wouldn't be able to care for Mum during his rehabilitation, so as a couple they will have to finance a care package for them both, not a cheap undertaking. It is likely Dad will be out of action for up to six months, so the cost of care will run into the thousands of pound. They wouldn't get any state help, so would have to pay the nursing costs involved, or other family members would have to take over, something I would of course do under the circumstances.

As you and I get older, we will also have to make similar choices; none of us are invincible. My parents have worked hard all their lives and it is a disgrace they should have to pay for care, that they assumed would be paid for by the state; after all they have paid into the system all their lives. Social care is the one aspect of health provision in this country that has been neglected for far too long and someone needs to get to grips with it. Why should hard working people lose their assets, because a greedy care provider charges two thousand pounds a week, for looking after someone? It really doesn't seem fair, but this is Britain in 2019!

In time we will have to sit down as a family and decide what we should do in the future, when my parents care needs change, but until then, it is good to see Mum robust and well, fighting fit and realistic about what lies ahead. I am home in the UK to be there for both my parents, as Darrell is in Australia to be with his Mum. These are testing times for all of us, but at least we are doing the right thing and being there for those who brought us into the World; without them, we wouldn't be the people we are. Rich or poor, ill or well, we are family first and foremost and families are there for one another!

It was the first day of the new Football season on Saturday and Portsmouth were at home to Tranmere, another football Club apparently. I jest, of course I know they are a team, but 'The Beautiful Game,' just isn't my favourite sport, actually no sport is my favourite sport, so it is no better or worse than anything else. However I have been in Pompey now for a little over a year, so I am getting used to the locals love of all things sporty, Working in a football mad  bar, I don't really have a choice, I have to get involved to a certain extent and I am learning much about this sport from the fans who frequent the Newcome Arms where I work!

As a child my Father always tried to get me interested in football, taking me to the park, playing kick about, just like all the other Dads on a Saturday afternoon, but I wasn't having any of it. By all accounts, I hated kicking a ball about so much, I would just sit there on a park bench crying, unwilling to move, having a tantrum at the mere thought of it!

When I attended school, things weren't any better and I would often bunk off from Physical Education lessons, to smoke a cigarette or five behind the bike sheds. Rather than getting involved in the undignified effort of playing a game that would make me dirty, sweaty and probably suffer from some kind of injury; I would puff my way through a packet of ten JPS...Cigarette smoke was far safer!

Even when I did have to play football, I was always the last one chosen; I would hang around the goalposts, trying to avoid the ball. On the rare occasion a football headed in my direction, I would flinch, put my hands over my face and hope it would just go away. I'm sure you are all well aware by now, of just how much I loathed this manly, filthy sport; it's only saving grace, men wearing tight white shorts and the homoerotic visions that promoted.

On the one any only time I went to a football match, with a friend called Denise, during my time at University, I was helping her write an assignment on Southampton Football Club. Sat near the front, I was awestruck by Nicky Banger's good looks and able to get an eye full when he headed in my direction. All well and good until I cheered at the wrong moment, when the other team scored...The rest is history as they say.

Despite my dislike of football, I was glad to be back at The Newcome on a football day. The regulars at the packed pub were generally in good spirits, drunk and overly affectionate, wanting photographs and enjoying the attention from the staff. I have grown fond of many of the lads who turn up on a Saturday afternoon and really do feel like I am part of the furniture now. They seem happy to see me and we are able to have a laugh and joke about my lack of football knowledge. It was great to be behind the bar again on such a busy day and yes, I look forward to the next time Portsmouth play at home!

After a bout of depression yesterday and the realisation that not everyone in my life is great, today I had my faith restored in humanity. Monday is of course my day for volunteering at Cancer Research, a place I always love being. Surrounded by friends and colleagues. I once again had a busy morning restocking the electrical department, after a successful week of sales.

I also roped in a friend from The Newcome Public House where I also work, to do a spot of voluntary work, since he had a day off and between us, we got a lot done, more than usual it has to be said. There were numerous electrical items in the stock room to go through and Gary was able to help, making sure everything I was displaying was in working order. Big thanks to the big man for coming in at such short notice, disturbing his morning shop in ASDA. I even made him several cups of builders tea, something I never do...I ABSOLUTELY HATE MAKING THE STUFF!

It was also a big hello once again to Jules, a colleague I also work with at Tesco, on his return to the Monday fold. After a break of several months, he returned to his rightful place behind the till, flirting with  customers and being a welcoming beacon for the older ladies and probably men too, who come in the shop. As one customer said to me today, 'he looks just like George Clooney doesn't he?' Well, I may well beg to differ on that comment, but Jules is a wonderful bloke, who is a great addition to the Cancer Research family!

Happy Monday Y'all!