HMS Excellence

It has been twelve days since I last sat down and wrote a blog entry, which is highly unusual for me. The truth is I have been busy, really busy, and haven't had a lot of time for myself, so finding even an hour to blog, has been a real challenge. Like most people at the moment, I have been feeling the pinch in the cost of living, so any overtime I can get, the better. I have a lot of things to save for, especially as I want to go on holiday in September. I am looking at Crete currently, but also one of the beautiful lakes in Italy; wherever I go with Darrell, I want it to be relaxing, so we can both take some time out and chill together, after the turmoil of the last few years!

Despite my busy schedule, I did manage to find some time to spend with family this Saturday. Celebrating The Queen's Platinum Jubilee, the Royal Navy had organised an amazing day for the families of those serving in the military or working at HMS Excellence on Whale Island. Along with my Aunt, Cousins and friend Pat, I tagged along and enjoyed a thoroughly entertaining day in the sun.

To my surprise The Sunshine Sisters were playing for the families on the base and as usual they were fantastic. For those of you who don't know these two lovely girls, they used to be members of staff, during the pandemic, at the supermarket where I work. Usually in the acting profession, they came from The King's Theatre here in Portsmouth, to work with us, when the theatre was closed due to Coronavirus restrictions. I recall many occasions when these two amazing young girls played in the foyer of the supermarket, celebrating momentous milestones, with customers and staff alike. Zoe and Rachel were inspirational at a terrible time in history, shining light where there was darkness and brightening everyone's day. Seeing them both on Whale Island was a special reminder of a strange period in my life; it was great to see them both!

The Royal Navy band was tremendously uplifting, playing many popular seafaring songs in celebration of The Queen's Jubilee, including a rather emotional, stirring rendition of the national anthem. Patriotic and champion of the Royal Family, I was happy to listen and sing along with the rest of the crowd. Not only was the music inspiring, it was also rousing and a reminder of just what makes our country great. Our military in all its forms is the best in the World, and we should be very proud to have them. With the war in Ukraine still raging on, they are also a symbol of resistance against the Russian onslaught. I was happy to take part in such a special day, surrounded by family and friends!

As we approach HM The Queen's Platinum Jubilee, the celebrations will become more widespread. With time off work, I have been asked to help out at The Newcome Arms, where I worked until last month. I have agreed to do a couple of shifts, as The Newcome celebrates the Jubilee with the rest of the local residents. Despite serving behind the bar, I look forward to spending time with old friends from the pub, even though I will technically be on holiday. The Newcome will certainly be the place to be over that long four-day weekend. With The Queen looking more and more frail, the hope is, she manages to attend some organised national events, after seventy years on the throne!

Charles Dickens Birthplace, amid the brutalist architecture of the last century!

After leaving HMS Excellence, we walked the short distance home, via the pub of course. Interestingly, just around the corner from my Aunts house is the old childhood home of 19th century author Charles Dickens. To be honest, I had no idea he was born in the Portsmouth, so this was a bit of a shock for me.

Walking along the road, past row after row of brutalist social housing, architecture I am familiar with and a design concept I have a fondness for, we stumbled upon Old Commercial Road. This was the street where Mr Dickens was born in 1812 and the house stands perfectly preserved in this quaint side street, surrounded by large tower blocks.

As a 'book person,' I was in awe of the revelation that this author was born in Landport, Portsmouth, and the fact you can visit his home was even more mind-blowing. I suppose, because the area is so built up now, a concrete jungle of 60s flats, it is even more amazing to think this little house is still there, perfectly preserved, for all to see.

The longer I live in Portsmouth, the more I discover about this great city I now live in. There are many aspects of my home I can't stand, but there is also much I love. It is a great historic city on the south coast of England first and foremost, but it is also a home for two hundred thousand people, many of whom work in the Royal Navy. The event at HMS Excellence brought together the naval community and showcased its commitment to all those who are a part of its extended family. Saturday I felt a part of something special, living and working in a wonderfully eclectic, gritty, consequential city. It does have many downsides, but the welcoming nature of those who live here and their dedication to friends and neighbours is truly heartening and really, who could ask for more, when deciding where to lay down roots; Portsmouth will certainly be home for many more years to come!

On Wednesday, Darrell and I went to London for the day, as part of my week off, celebrating my Birthday. It is the first time we have been to London in about ten years, normally only ever driving past the place to Heathrow or Stanstead Airport. I had managed to book some cheap train tickets during the recent rail fare sale, so at a cost of £24.00 for two of us, we took a train ride to London and back. The train journey was longer than usual, with the train stopping at every stop, but it didn't make any difference, in fact it was nice to just sit for a couple of hours, watching the day pass by!

After arriving in London, the rain began to fall. As we made our way to Hyde Park and The Princess Diana Memorial Fountain, the rain gradually got worse, evidently setting in for the day. The fountain itself was dreadful, probably the worst tribute I have ever seen for anyone, especially someone of her stature. It was souless, drab and without personality, all words I wouldn't use to describe Diana. Suitably disappointed and with the rain beginning to pour, Darrell and I jumped back on the tube and made our way to China Town for lunch.

China Town, near Piccadilly Circus, is colourful and vibrant, even during the worst of rainstorms. As we arrived in the underground station, an announcement was made, urging customers to take care, during the adverse weather conditions. Our trip to London looked like it would be a washout, and I wasn't holding my breath for a great day, especially with an Australian in tow, who hates the rain.

After wandering around the lantern clad streets, which felt a lot like Kowloon, we went into the Hong Kong Buffet, for an £11.95 lunch and glass of wine. The food was fine, all bog-standard stuff, but certainly filled a hole, ready for the rest of the day and a lot of walking.

We made a short stop at Harrods, where I bought some gifts from the shop. Initially I thought I would buy the typical Harrods plastic bag, but at a cost of £30.00, I thought better of it. This historic department store in the heart of London, seemed different from the last time I visited; It is indeed overpriced, but it was more than that, it was not the sparkling oasis it once was, and I will not be going there again.

Suitably unimpressed, we headed to Covent Garden and had an amazing afternoon, exploring shops and market stalls, buying some cheap souvenirs and a couple of stylish berets from a hat stall. Feeling knackered, we had a few pints in the Punch and Judy public house, built into the arches in the corner of the market. I felt relaxed sat in the relative cosy atmosphere and despite paying over seven pounds a pint, it was a highlight of the day, just being able to do absolutely nothing.

We walked along Embankment, towards Parliament Square and Whitehall, taking in the sights and sounds of the city and the breathtaking architecture.  The skyline had changed a lot since I was last in London, and as we walked along The Thames, the noticeable additions to the city scape were all too clear to see. The House of Commons and more especially The Elizabeth Tower looked glowing, as the sun began to finally come out, after the deluge of the day. Its recent facelift had brought the original blue and gold colours to the fore, and I have never seen it looking so good. This part of London is always impressive, so I am rarely disappointed, but its familiarity is always welcome, especially as we headed towards the end of the day.

Walking down Whitehall, past the cenotaph, just outside Downing Street, there was a small demonstration, against the war in Ukraine. The speakers were very emotional, unsurprisingly, and Darrell and I crossed over to stand and listen for a short while. The scenes of horror being described were unimaginable to most of us here in the relative safety of the UK, but resonated with all of us who were there. After pausing for a minute's silence, a Ukrainian gentleman approached me, and asked if I would take some photographs of the banners he had made to highlight the atrocities in the war. It was very poignant, and as we walked towards Trafalgar Square and our final destination, I was mindful of the tumultuous times we were all living through. London has always been a welcoming city, and just as it has offered sanctuary to other nationalities in times of war, so today It was opening its doors to our friends in Ukraine. The fact a peaceful demonstration can take place opposite the Prime Minister's residence is testimony to our long-established democracy, unlike the totalitarian regime in Russia.

In the end, Darrell and I had a wonderful day in London, ending my Birthday week perfectly, as I go back to work tomorrow. Neither of us see the capital often, but when we do, it never ceases to amaze. Walking around its crazy streets, I thought how much I loved the place and even, just for a fleeting  moment, how I might like to live in this buzzing metropolis. Of course the reality is, I could never afford it, but it is nice to dip in and out at will and enjoy a fun packed day in London, a city of contrasts and a melting pot of cultures!

Princess Diana Memorial Fountain, Hyde Park

China Town and Piccadilly Circus

Harrods, Knightsbridge

Covent Garden

Embankment

Parliament and Whitehall

Demonstration opposite Downing Street, protesting against the war in Ukraine.

Trafalgar Square

I have reached the age of 51, a milestone in my book. Too many people I have known from my partying days, on the Southampton gay scene, are no longer with us and if I am honest, I am amazed I have made it this far. I have bucked my ideas up, lost weight and got fitter, that's for sure, and I have finally started to think about my health in a way I haven't before. Feeling fit, I am in a much happier place than I was!

On Sunday, my Aunt took all the family out to Gunwharf Quays and a meal at Bella Italia. There were nine of us in total, including, most surprisingly, my Father, who had travelled down to Portsmouth to spend the day with us. This was a big thing for Dad, as he rarely leaves the boundary of his home and certainly hasn't navigated public transport in probably forty years. However, instead of driving, he got on a train and made his way to Gunwharf, arriving in one piece.

It was a beautiful day on Sunday, as we all sat outside having a drink before lunch and more importantly, Dad seemed relaxed, chatting with family, something he hasn't done for a long time, probably since Mother's funeral. I was just happy to see him with us all, in a way he would have found difficult, just a few short months ago. This was the most relaxed I had felt in months, spending a valuable afternoon with my nearest and dearest, all together as a family, since the pandemic started two years ago!

After a lovely meal at Bella Italia and a few more beers, we all made our way to Bar One, just around the corner from the restaurant, and spent a lazy afternoon chatting in the sun. My Cousin Rachel, in her own unique way, was on top form. I haven't seen my Father laugh so much in years, and it was thanks in no small part to Rachel, whose sense of humour is infectious. This was a Birthday meal to celebrate my fifty-one years, but it was more than that, it was a day to be thankful that all our family were once again together as a unit, after two years of hell!

Yesterday, on the day of my Birthday, Darrell and I went to meet friends in Southampton. I haven't been back to the place since I returned from Spain, so in many respects it was a bit of a pilgrimage, to see how it has changed over the intervening years. It is always a pleasure returning to my old University city, being there does evoke happier times, spent with friends during those care free days from my youth. Of course much of the city has changed, and it has lost a lot of its charm, but the fabric is still there, and I will always recognise it as home!

For the first time since 2020 I was able to spend time with two friends, Elaine and Chris, who are very important to me. These two have been there through thick and thin and seen me at the best and worst of times, so it was essential to connect with them after the pandemic. My Birthday was the perfect opportunity to spend some time in a city I love with two friends I adore; without them, my life would certainly have been all the poorer.

It has been a very thought-provoking few days, spent with people I love, which is what Birthdays should be about. It wasn't what I would have planned to do, but it has been special nevertheless. Spending the day in London tomorrow will signal the end of another year gone by, and I hope the beginning of a new, better twelve months ahead. Nothing is for certain as the World continues to explode around us. All our circumstances feel uncertain and precarious right now, but at least there are friends and family to help get us through. These are the important ones, the ones who mean everything, the people we often take for granted, the people who remained steadfast, loyal and true!

With my Birthday approaching on the 9th May, I have taken a week off work, as I always do at this time of year. Usually I would be planning to go to some far-flung destination on the other side of the World, but since the pandemic I haven't travelled abroad and have decided to give flying a wide berth this year; I am just not ready to get on a plane yet.

Three years ago was the last time I went abroad, when Darrell and I toured Asia, since then I haven't had a break at all. If I am honest, the lack of travelling is beginning to get me down. I am a wonderer at heart, and I miss navigating the World, experiencing diverse cultures and enjoying the sights, sounds and smells, that only exploring can bring, as I have done throughout my adult life. By September, I hope to once again get on a plane, taking two weeks off, so we can both celebrate our anniversary away from the drudgery of the UK. That of course depends on the state of the World and whether there are restrictions in place, or we aren't in the middle of a third World war. For now, I am setting my sites on a no expense spared trip in four months, and I am more than willing to spend another Birthday at home.

This year I am visiting friends and family, spending time with those closest and just enjoying some well deserved time out. Tomorrow, my Father is coming to Portsmouth and nine of us will be going out for a large family meal at Gunwharf Quays. Dad doesn't get out much, so it will be wonderful to see him away from home. In the evening, Darrell and I will spend time with my best friend Ramona in Southampton and see other old friends on Monday. Wednesday we will both spend the day in London, enjoying the sites of this incredible city, we rarely get to see.

Yesterday, both of us went out for a walk along the Eastern Shore in Portsmouth with a colleague and friend from work, Sue. It was fantastic to just get away from the city centre for a bit, which does tend to grate on one at times. As I have grown older, I have become less interested in urban living, preferring the more rural areas surrounding this great naval city. As a young boy who grew up in a village, I have certainly become more appreciative of the quiet life. I yearn for a more relaxing existence, but am well aware of the difficulties this presents. As someone who doesn't drive, with a partner who has made a conscious decision not to buy a car, I understand I need to be near the amenities I take for granted every day.

I look forward to a productive few days with people I haven't seen in a while. As I reach the grand old age of 51, I am spending more and more time thinking about the memories that made me who I am today. I do miss certain aspects of my past life in Southampton, so relish the opportunity to see those who were there for me then. It has been seven years since I lived there, so I have a lot of catching up to do. Birthdays are a time to celebrate life, but they are also a time to remember all the momentous occasions that came before. Making time for others is important, especially after the trauma of the last few years.

This week marked the end of an era, where work was concerned. After four years working at The Newcome Arms, I completed my last shift on Wednesday night. It has been a huge wrench leaving the pub, I have been a part of for so long, but as my circumstances have changed, so has my outlook on life. I have been given the opportunity to do more hours in my full time job, the money is better, and sadly new commitments would have overlapped with my bar duties, so something just had to give. I literally can't be in two places at once, so as much as I wanted to stay around friends, it wasn't an option. Saying goodbye to some truly remarkable people was extremely difficult, and the reality is, I don't know if I have made the right decision, yet!

All of us reach a crossroads in our life, when it is important to make choices for the future. This week has been a significant milestone for me in determining my own destiny. The Newcome Arms was a crucial first step in returning to British life in 2018, after living in Spain, and it got me through some awfully dark days. The people I worked with and the customers who frequented this backstreet bar, were instrumental in getting me through, what I can only describe as the most traumatic years of my life.

With Darrell living ten thousand miles away in Australia, my bar work gave my an outlet to socialise with people, when I needed the company of others most. Having one's husband living on the other side of the World, was extremely hard to deal with, so conversation and interaction was critical. In many respects, my worries took a back seat while I was here, and that was a good thing. I didn't want or need to be thinking about my own woes on a daily basis, any distraction was welcome!

The pandemic brought me closer to the pub, despite being furloughed on occasion. The time I spent there became more valuable than ever; the World may well have been falling apart around me, but it was the people there that put everything into perspective. Their sense of community in abnormal times was refreshing and allowed me to forget about the dramatic events happening across the globe. This pub became the backbone I needed and the normality I craved, this was my escape and my reason to get out of bed!

I will always have fond memories of The Newcome Arms and will do my best to return when I can. As my life moves forwards, onwards and hopefully upwards, it's good to know some things never change. This pub in the heart of Fratton will be there, long after I have gone, It's illuminating light shining brightly, welcoming all of us home. The Newcome Arms will remain a reality check for friends, family and neighbours, returning for those significant events in all our lives.

The day after I left the pub, a colleague I worked with left for a well deserved retirement. It was of course a sad day for all of us who knew Sue, but it was also a signal of the changing times. No matter where we work or what job we do, there will come a time when we have to move on, for our own personal fulfilment.

Sue was a wonderful character, who was a joy to be around, always happy to help out when she could and a great source of advice. We were so similar in many ways and always had a lot to chat about, which made for a productive, friendly environment in which to work. I will miss her, as I know many of my colleagues will also and if I am honest, a bit of me is envious of the plans she has for the future. Like me, she used to live in Spain and returning to the UK was a hard path to tread; as she steps into the unknown one last time and takes a final bow, I know all of us wish her success in all her endeavours!

Sue's departure cemented the end of an era, both of us travelling on two very different journeys but with two similar aims - the beginning of a new life! Darrell and I have started to think about the future, and leaving The Newcome is the start of that process. Both of us intend to be in Portsmouth for at least four more years, by which time I can officially retire, given the right circumstances of course. Until then, we will keep on forging our new life together, working towards our goals, creating memories, cherishing friendships and earning enough money to eventually live, the life both of us desire!

I've blogged very little about the Ukraine war in recent days, preferring to concentrate on more positive aspects of my own life. Despite this,  my emotions have been tested over the last week especially, as more and more atrocities are uncovered in Ukraine. Russian forces have been leaving most parts of the country, in order to concentrate on taking over the south, in particular, the Donbass province. The destruction left behind in Northern Ukraine has been harrowing to see, as news coverage details the carnage unleashed on the region. The brutality of Russian forces is as clear as day, for the whole World to see. Russia has gone rogue and no one is sure just how this disaster will end.

As a rule, I am a pacifist, always preferring a negotiated settlement over war. The conflict in Ukraine, however, has made me reevaluate everything I believe in. The stories of innocent victims butchered in their own homes, young girls raped in front of their families and elderly, vulnerable people sheltering in dark basements have shaken me to the core. This war may well be Putin's, but those fighting it in his name, are no better than him. The soldiers are evil in every sense of the word, and I still can't believe the vast majority of the Russian public are supporting this needless charade. If the World does finally return to normal, the citizens of Russia will have to understand the part they played in this genocide and live with the murder of innocents on their hands forever.

Sadly, I have had a few encounters with others, who have criticised my support for Ukraine. Now, you really don't have to be an expert to understand where the aggression is coming from. Ukraine didn't ask for this war, until a couple of months ago, this peaceful nation was carrying on as normal, a modern democracy in the heart of Europe. Today it is on the verge of collapse, bombarded daily, shattered lives littering its war torn streets.

I constantly read about the ongoing war, keeping myself updated on events in Eastern Europe. Nevertheless, I have turned off the news on my television, only watching it when I need to, usually just once a day. For all the horrors unfolding, there is only so much I can take psychologically. As a human being I feel deeply disturbed by what is happening in Europe and my own mental health also remains a concern. I have always been an empathetic individual, feeling other's pain far more than my own, so this tragic war has just highlighted the darkness that overwhelms my thoughts on a daily basis. As cruel as it seems, as guilty as I feel, I just need to switch off from time to time.

I suppose I find it very difficult to comprehend how a whole nation of individuals can turn away from their friends and neighbours in Ukraine and believe the propaganda touted by Russian state media. I am speaking as someone living in a democratic country with a free press, so my understanding of totalitarian regimes is rather limited. In the digital age we live in, one would expect everyone, even in a fascist state like Russia, to have access to balanced, unbiased news, but of course that may not be the case for the majority of the population. People can't or do not want to believe the wickedness committed in their name is wrong. They truly think they are fighting against Nazis, when actually the opposite is true. Russia is the aggressor, the Nazis are Russian and the aggression is coming from one man, President Vladimir Putin.

I have always had a strong belief in the power of people and their ability to overcome any struggle, no matter how bad things get. Even in the most terrible of times, where it is difficult to see past the catastrophe unfolding, the strength, and character of humanity to overcome adversity is heartening. I do have enormous faith in the Russian public, to finally stand up against Putin and the murderers that surround him. With help and support, they can and will topple this dictator, like every other despot before him. It is of course right and just to criticise Russia as a whole for what is unfolding in Ukraine, all of them must take responsibility for what is transpiring. It is also necessary to enlighten and encourage all Russians to rise up and fight against a dictator whose time is up.

I remain hopeful that this war in Ukraine will signal the end of President Putin. It will not happen anytime soon, as the war rages on. The fate of the World remains with Russians and their extraordinary abilities to channel their defensive spirit, in ridding themselves of one of the worst tyrants in modern times. Stand with your Ukrainian Brothers, don't accept what you are told as true; believe in the power of humanity, against oppression, persecution, and the lies of the few!

Chichester

Two days off in a row – unheard of for me! This weekend, I've actually enjoyed some quality time out and about, during the Easter weekend. I don't often have this much time off, especially on a Sunday, so I have made the most of it. The weather has been amazingly sunny and for once it has been a pleasure being outside. Still saving hard, I always find it difficult spending money, but for the first time in I don't know how long, I've thrown caution to the wind and actually enjoyed myself!

On Friday, Darrell and I went to the historic city of Chichester and did some sightseeing, enjoying the idyllic surroundings of Chichester Cathedral, where I lit a candle for Mum. We walked along the old city walls and enjoyed the immaculate Bishop's garden. As is usual when we go out, we ate lunch at Pizza Express, a pricey, but thoroughly authentic pizza dining experience, that I save only for days like this. Having travelled to Italy on five different occasions, I find Pizza Express offers the best pizza outside the Motherland.

Chichester was a delight as usual, even if I did feel rather old walking around the centre. In my younger days, I wouldn't have even considered going to this picturesque city, but time has moved on and so have I. I have mellowed immeasurably  and grown to appreciate such places, even if they are a little middle class for my taste!

Today we had Easter Day lunch at the Ship and Castle, near The Hard in Portsmouth. This was a place recommended by a friend; supposedly it has the best carvery in Portsmouth, and to be honest I wasn't disappointed. The food was delicious and yes it was the best roast I have had here, for a reasonable 12.95 a head. I will certainly be back, should I have a Sunday off again.

Darrell and I also visited the Historic dockyard and were suitably impressed by the Royal Navy's flagship HMS Queen Elizabeth. The sheer size of it was awe-inspiring. Of course, HMS Victory and Warrior are just as spectacular, but their size pales in comparison to this amazing new aircraft carrier. This landmark location in Southsea is a true asset to Portsmouth and certainly worth visiting, even, if like us, it was a brief stroll around the vast complex.

From the dockyard, we walked to the Cathedral, the tree outside adorned with Ukrainian ribbons, adding a touch of poignancy this Easter, as the European war rages on. After a moment of reflection, we continued on to Southsea funfair, where we saw the Hovercraft leave for the Isle of Wight. These all but retired vessels are incredible to watch, as they leave port, always giving me a thrill. After a leisurely walk along the front, in the afternoon sun, we finally left for home.

Spending money I shouldn't, sends a shudder down my spine, nevertheless I have felt calm and chilled in a way I haven't recently. Both Darrell and I have been able to spend time together, which is rare. Both of us need to do it more and make time for one another. The Hard is only a twenty-minute walk from our house, so there is really no excuse. Life is very frugal for us, but we can do things cheaply and economically, we just have to make the effort in the first place!

I hope you all had a happy Easter!

The Hard

If I am perfectly honest, I've had a bad few days; in fact, my current state of mind has probably been brewing for quite a while. I have always had up and down periods and have dealt with some truly dark feelings, but have generally knocked myself out of how I was feeling and managed to get back on track. I suppose I have always suffered with depression and low mood, and it has always played a dominant role in my life. People who suffer from these feelings, find it very hard to overcome the despondency, and it can very quickly overtake one's daily activities. It is a curse, but it can also offer a period of reflection, when it is needed most.

The biggest problem with depression, at least in my case, are the triggers that signal a downward spiral. These are the sparks that light the litmus paper, causing negative inward thoughts and feelings, that tend to get worse the longer you leave them unchecked. The best course of action is to face the despondency head on and deal with the manifestations that occur, but sometimes it can take a long time to feel comfortable enough to stand up to those demons! Learning to recognise the triggers is key to overcoming the inevitable sadness, quickly, in a measured way!

The last few years have been particularly challenging for many people; I have dealt with some terribly low moods and with the Ukrainian war getting worse every day, my current state of mind feels even more precarious. As a child, I also suffered with extreme anxiety, especially during periods of extreme stress, and have always found it difficult to cope. Most of the time I bottle up things I shouldn't, but for me, the resulting mayhem caused if I were to explode would be far worse. I am placid first and foremost, but I do have an extremely fiery temper on rare occasions. The unpredictable nature of these events, makes it even more important to keep quiet and contemplate, rather than antagonize and agitate!

Depression isn't just about locking oneself in a room and saying nothing, avoiding everyone and everything, as I am doing today. Depression is also about getting on with life and hiding the truth about how you really feel. Like most people, I am continuing with my daily pursuits. On the surface I am the same as everyone else, smiling when I have to and able to conduct myself professionally, but deep down I am not always that person. When I am suffering, I am quite simply a mess, I don't want to speak to anyone and I just want to be left alone. The more someone probes, the more I back away. I do not want to be confronted about why I am feeling the way I am, and I certainly don't want to have to justify my actions to anyone. People need to know when to steer clear!

I do sound rather defensive today, but sometimes it's the only way to make your voice heard; I am sick and tired of people telling me how I should and shouldn't feel. It is crucial for my own peace of mind, that I am able to express myself as I want. When you have had a tough week, all you want to do is relax, chill and take time out. It is important to have time for yourself and space to grow as a person; I am not getting either of these things at the moment, and that consequently makes me more perturbed than usual. When you get that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach, you need to deal with it; you shouldn't have to put your own emotions to one side, and should be given the opportunity to express yourself in a way you are happy with.

I have a feeling I will have many more periods like this in the coming weeks. My own self reflection isn't important on the grand scale of things. However, all of us have our own personal issues to deal with. I am lucky enough to be able to express myself through words and by the end of this entry today, I will have offloaded a great deal of baggage. Writing is a great healer and through my personal blog, I can document my thoughts in such a way that helps me understand myself. Knowing who I am today will help me understand who I will become tomorrow!

Whatever television station you watch or newspaper you read, you can't fail to avoid the emerging 'cost of living crisis' unfolding before our very eyes. I can't remember a time when I have been so aware of rising prices, soaring inflation and dramatic hikes in the cost of utility bills. Using the word 'crisis' has been criticised for its dramatic, frightening cogitations, but when one looks at the economic uncertainty across the globe, it is clear this is appropriate for the times we are living though. These are momentous months for many reasons, not just the cost of living, but when looks at the different factors at play in this 'new World order,' it is clear there has been a significant shift, creating the most unstable economic conditions for over forty years or more. These are difficult days for everyone, and we need to understand just how serious this situation is. This isn't something that can be solved quickly, all of us will have to battle to keep our heads above water.

The seeds of this current crisis were sown in 2016, after Britain voted to leave the European Union. No one really expected the UK to remain the economic power house it was after we voted to leave, and if they did, they were seriously deluded. I was someone who envisaged a time of upheaval and hardship, but like most people, I believed it would be a temporary blip, and we would overcome the problems relatively quickly. Brits are a hardy bunch, and we have lived through worse periods in history. With fortitude, faith, and backbone, it wouldn't be too long before we were back on track again.

At the time of the vote, I was living in Spain with Darrell. We lived a relatively frugal existence; with my husband flying back to Australia regularly, I learnt to live on a small budget of 30 Euro a week. Life was hard, but the sun was shining and life was good. I loved my new Spanish home and believed I would remain an expat for many years to come.

Of course nothing lasts forever and in 2018 I moved back to the UK for family reasons, as Darrell continued to commute From Europe to Australia, caring for his Mother after her cancer diagnosis. These were arduous years for us, as we tried to restructure our  life to suit our changing circumstances. Darrell would fly to Britain when he could, and I would travel to Asia once a year; it was an arrangement that worked well until the pandemic crashed head long into all our lives in 2020.

The biggest factor in the current 'cost of living crisis is of course COVID-19. The money spent by Governments all over the World propping up ailing economies throughout the worst of this virus was huge, unlike anything any of us had ever seen. Locking down a country isn't a cheap option. The British Government alone spent hundreds of billions of pounds paying staff to stay at home, as businesses remained closed for months on end. Even I was paid a wage, even though the pub where I worked was closed. At the time it was great, but all that money has to eventually be paid back.

The pandemic still rages on, although as a nation, Britain is learning to live with it. It is unlikely we will ever be locked down again, but we will be living with the consequences of COVID for many years to come. The vast sums spent keeping families afloat, while they languished at home is shocking to contemplate, but the hangover from this strange period is only just beginning today, two years later. After Brexit, no one expected a public health crisis, and the British economy has suffered untold amounts of damage. Through mismanagement, waste of public money and falling tax receipts, it was only a matter of time before we started to feel the pinch; from 1 April that process of 'paying back' began.

They say bad things come in threes, well there is yet another catastrophe looming on the horizon, with war in Europe looking ever more likely! After Brexit and a global pandemic, the World is now on the brink of World War III, as Russia invades Ukraine. Yet another disaster of incalculable magnitude, after a series of bad choices and unforeseen circumstances; conflict is now unfolding on the continent, as the daily news reports, uncompromising rhetoric and threats from Russian President, Vladimir Putin become increasingly worrying and venomous. The death and destruction, economic sanctions and refugee crisis has started to reverberate across the planet; all of us have begun to suffer the knock on effects of the war in Ukraine.

The cost of everything is going up. As the fighting intensifies, oil prices have skyrocketed, causing massive increases in the cost of oil. Gas, electric, and petrol are all significantly higher than they were and people, already feeling strapped for cash, are now feeling the squeeze tightened further. Inflation is creeping up and looks likely to top ten percent by the end of the year. As sure as night follows day, interest rates will undoubtedly rise, causing a drastic increase in mortgages. Food prices are exploding; as someone who shops in a supermarket daily, I am well aware of the increases. The new European war has curtailed the flow of trade between Ukraine and the rest of the World, making resources scarcer. The breadbasket of Europe is no longer exporting wheat, and the rest of us will have to pay sharply more for a loaf of bread and other products once transported from Ukraine.

I am well aware of the cost of the things I buy; I have seen my shopping bill nearly double since the pandemic, and it isn't going to change anytime soon. When the price cap on gas and electric was abandoned yesterday, utility bills rose by 54% immediately. I am luckier than most, because I do not pay bills where I am living, but will contribute more in other ways, helping to alleviate the costs involved. With higher tax and many of the measures introduced during the pandemic coming to an end, ordinary people are feeling the economic pressure. The cost of living crisis is causing the biggest drain on incomes since the 1950s, and none of us are fully aware of the consequences of circumstances, that are compounding the intensity of this dangerous crossroads. Whether or not families survive the next few years very much depends on the different factors at play. The biggest concern for everyone now is the Ukrainian war and just how long it goes on for, affecting all our lives.

For now, Darrell and I are fine. However, we don't have a home to keep and can save money relatively easily. My goals and aspirations still remain on track, with the possibility of early retirement in four years time, funding a new life in Portugal or somewhere a little more conventional. My future plans are very dependent on how well my pension does and my scope to save the maximum amount of money in order to buy a home. I can only rely on my own frugal abilities, rather like I did when I lived in Spain, but ultimately remain at the mercy of events beyond my control. As usual, being the realist I am, I expect the worst but hope for the best; lets pray the World returns to normal soon and all of us can finally breathe a sigh of relief, restarting where we left off in 2019!