It was back to work at The Newcome last night, as the pub opened once again. After 104 days of closure the doors were finally opened and with restrictions in place we all welcomed back our customers into the fold.

I was nervous at what to expect, but with so many familiar faces I soon felt very much at home. After nearly four months away everyone had changed in looks - Big hair and even bigger stomachs. In some cases, others had even lost weight, looking fitter and trimmer, using lockdown as a springboard to exercise and lose a few pounds. It was strange to see everyone after such a long period of time, but within half an hour, it was like I had never been away!

The evening went well and the locals came out in force to support the pub. I am still very apprehensive given the circumstances we all still find ourselves in. The virus is still circulating in the community and all of us need to remain circumspect going about our daily lives.

Listening to the news this morning, it seems the antisocial behaviour, that alcohol consumption breeds is well and truly back and that really makes me sad. At a time when the country should be pulling together, to fight Coronavirus, the usual suspects are out and about causing mayhem, drinking heavily and fighting in the streets. My biggest fear when lockdown ended was this kind of thing happening once again; infection rates will rise and deaths will surely follow. The number of fatalities in this country are still in the hundreds, while the rest of Europe seems to have the outbreak under control, that is most concerning of all.

I will always do what I have to, to keep safe and continue to follow the social distancing regulations. I can't say that everyone else is doing the same. Working in a public house is high risk, and it is easy to see why. Drunken customers can find it impossible to socially distance, which is why all members of staff must make it even more of a priority and remove repeat offenders. These are only the first tentative steps towards the new normal, but they are big steps in the life of The Newcome Arms. The next few months will determine the shape of COVID-19 in Britain and all of us hope we don't see a spike in the coming weeks. If we want to get through this, we will have to do so together, helping one another and always, yes always doing the right thing!

On Saturday the 4th July The Newcome Public House reopens after three months of forced closure. The Government is finally allowing pubs, bars and restaurants to open, even though the UK's death and infection rate remains high. Hospitality venues up and down the country have to make difficult decisions, as they decide whether to open or not. This has been a difficult time for many businesses and in order to survive the coming months they need to restart where they left off and finally welcome back customers, after a traumatic few months away.

Like most people I am apprehensive about the next steps towards the new normal. I have worked public houses, whether here in Britain or Spain for around four years now and have never experienced such a stressful, debilitating time. I have always enjoyed serving customers, chatting over the bar and the social aspect of working in a pub, but today I just don't know what to expect, as The Newcome opens its doors once again and I start my shift on Saturday night.

I popped into work today to see how the preparations are going and Ellie seems to have everything in hand. New entrances and exits, hand sanitizer at every door and posters advertising the new rules and regulations to patrons, will now be common place. There will be no sitting at the bar, no disorderly conduct and no contact with staff. We are entering a new untested era, where the pandemic has taken over our everyday lives in a way we have not known before, so it is natural to feel nervous, just as I was working for Tesco during the first few weeks of lockdown.

Tesco's response during this national crisis has been exceptional. The safety of staff has always taken priority and it wasn't long before I felt safe enough to carry on working in a job I love. The Newcome is also introducing new measures and codes of conduct that have put my mind at ease somewhat. As long as customers behave sensibly I am confident this adjustment period will be a success.

It is crucial that local taverns open as soon as they are able. They remain the lifeblood of local communities up and down the country and without them, all of us will suffer, losing a major contribution to neighbourhood life. Support The Newcome however you can, be mindful of the staff who serve and understand the limitations this pandemic perpetuates. All of us will welcome you back with open arms, without the touching of course, and hope you will play a part in making The Newcome the success it always was!

I had a busy day on Thursday; the sun was out on the hottest day of the year so far and there wasn't a cloud in the sky! With 34 degree heat on the cards, I decided to go on my daily walk, even earlier than usual, arriving in Southsea at about 8.30am. There were still a few people about grabbing their spot on the beach for the day, but by and large it was a quiet scene, ideal for taking in the coastal scenery for a brief moment or two, before the crowds descended.

Watching the news later in the day, I was horrified to see hundreds of thousands of people heading to popular tourist destinations like Bournemouth, ignoring social distancing measures and acting like Coronavirus had gone away. People, come on, what bloody planet are you on. This virus is still well and truly about and isn't going anywhere, yet you all continue to defy the regulations. I don't mind telling you all, that people are really getting me down. I am fed up with their ignorance and general lack of empathy for anyone but themselves.

Having just got back from town myself this morning, walking to the city centre at 10am, just to pick up some supplies from Holland and Barrett, I was astounded by the number of people queuing just to get into Primark and other such stores. The line of people stretched around the block and no one was social distancing at all. This is awful and a disgusting indictment on the British public. Why the hell can't we just do as we are told?

News headlines across the World were equally scathing about the scenes witnessed in Bournemouth and other beaches up and down the country. It felt like we were once again the laughingstock of the World, especially as our daily death rate was on the rise. On Thursday the fatality figure was 182, a ten-day high as the  figures from the previous two weeks began to filter down. This was of course no surprise for me, who already knew what was coming. The idiots on beaches, queuing to get into shops and not socially distancing are now causing real problems for our recovery from COVID-19 and with further relaxation measures coming into force on July 4th, it is likely these statistics will become even worse.

I am really at a loss for words at how this Country, Government and population have dealt with this crisis. We have failed at so many levels and it is shocking to see. Nobody seems to care any more, most think the virus has gone away and there is a lack of understanding of its impact on people and communities up and down the land. I am not sure how bad things have to get, before people take notice!

All of us are facing our own problems during this pandemic, so it was also nice to relax for a few hours in the company of family; following Government guidelines of course. The only people I see these days are close relatives and even then I keep my distance. It is difficult to really know just what we are allowed to do and what we aren't. There have been so many conflicting messages coming out of Downing Street, that many of us, don't know just what is acceptable and what isn't. This is part of the problem, there has been no cohesive messaging or comprehensive guidelines; the rules and regulations are complex and the public are rightly confused. Most people are now doing what they want and have just dismissed any involvement from the powers that be, due to their lack of leadership, misleading statements and failure to take responsibility for their actions!

I am lucky to have family around me; all of us are doing our best to get through the challenges we now face. It is disheartening to see others flouting the rules, but what can we realistically do? It is now up to us as individuals to do the right thing for our own families. Our representatives have failed us as a nation, we have to take charge of our own destinies, even if it does go against what we are being told. When measures are relaxed, if I feel they are wrong, I will do what I can to keep myself safe. I will continue to stay two meters from others, will avoid large shopping malls and will always do all I can to protect others..... Can you really say the same?

I was back out walking yesterday, for the first time in a week. Since going back to work and with the rain in constant flow, I haven't had as much time to do the things I would like. Nevertheless, I walked a healthy seven miles, down to the coast and back again, even though the sun barely peeped through the clouds.

I haven't been in the best frame of mind recently as you all know, having come to the end of an awful two weeks holiday, when I should have been away in the far east. I have probably had too much time on my hands and spent rather a lot of time thinking. Like everyone else I just want this terrible time to be over. This week was the first time in a while, that I really felt depressed; that hasn't happened for a long time. I have had down periods, but this has been a struggle to conquer and I have done my best to block it out and just carry on as normal.

I am finding people a strain; they are out in droves once again and ignoring Government guidelines, whilst the rest of us try to do the right thing. With lockdown measures eased dramatically, the country is getting back to some kind of normality. The trouble is, it isn't normal, and we are still in the middle of a pandemic, with deaths recorded in the hundreds and I fear things are going to get gradually worse again, unless people start taking notice of social distancing rules.

Last night I needed cheering up, so watched a film, I haven't seen since I lived in Spain, 'Beautiful Thing.' This amazing 'coming out' movie has great poignancy for Darrell and I, released just a year after we got together and always takes me back to our first few carefree years as a couple, before we began fighting for our right to remain in the UK as partners. Unless you are gay, you will really never understand the importance of 'coming out' to family and friends. Back in the early 1990s it was the biggest issue on my mind and really became the first thing I thought about when I woke up and the last thing I contemplated before I went to sleep.

As I'm sure you are aware by now, I didn't have an easy time of declaring my homosexuality and as such found 'Beautiful Thing' comforting at a very difficult time. Of course all of us are experiencing anguish and anxiety today, for very different reasons and once again I watched a film that has got me through some dark days in the past; by the end of it, I felt suitably relaxed and content. It has always been important for me to feel secure and well-adjusted in my environment, wherever I am; I certainly haven't had a lot of security in recent years, so anything that gives me a lift is welcome; I have even spent the afternoon today, watching Jane McDonald, cruising around the World; a reminder of happier times!

From watching retro television programmes, sorting through photographs, speaking to old friends on the telephone and writing about better moments in my life, I have done everything I can to feel comfortable during the last three months. For the most part, I did well, even surprising myself at times. I think all of us have to do what we can to get through the worst of the virus, all the while, remembering there are others worse off than us. With the easing of lockdown restrictions, it won't be too long before the most serious phase of this pandemic becomes a distant memory, and we all look forward to a new, untested future. We should however, never forget just what transpired in all our lives, after all we will all remember this period for generations to come, recalling events that made us the people we are today and hoping to god it never happens again!

Over the last few weeks, my IBS has been extremely painful and I have been trying everything I can to elevate the symptoms. I can't tell you how many times I have adjusted my diet, introduced different supplements, removed, what I think are offending items and generally done all I can to feel better. Usually I can do something to help and by a process of elimination  can manage my symptoms quite well. Recently I just haven't been able to get to grips with the pain and if I am honest, it has been getting me down.

I suppose the throbbing I experience is worse than most; I also have Diverticulitis and a hiatus hernia to contend with, all part of a digestive nightmare, that is unrelenting; I have persistent stomach cramps every day. From the moment I wake up, until the time I go to bed, I am continuously dealing with what I can only describe as niggling discomfort. On a bad day, it will turn into full-blown agony.

Stress, worry and circumstances also play a big role in how bad or not I am feeling. As someone who suffers with anxiety, I am forever adjusting my lifestyle and way of thinking, in order to compensate for the uneasiness I have to deal with. Each of the 'minor' conditions I have, require a slightly different diet and yes that does include anxiety. I generally try to follow a low FODMAP diet, but it doesn't always work as well as one would expect. There has been times, where I have tried to introduce a new or different food into my diet and the consequences have been dire; I have literally been left doubled up in pain.

The day before yesterday was a bad day for me. I had been sick, probably due to the hernia, and I was feeling run down. I decided to phone the GP surgery. Not something I often do these days, since Coronavirus has taken priority, but the pounding was so difficult to contend with, I felt I didn't have a choice. My GP phoned back yesterday and offered me some advice, I hadn't been given before. I am guessing from the conversation we had, she also suffers with IBS, speaking very knowledgeably on the subject. After describing my symptoms, she wasn't concerned I was facing anything too bad. One of the major problems with IBS, is a sustained feeling you have something more serious, which increases anxiety and thus makes symptoms worse. She believed I was just going through a rough patch and recommended 'fasting' as a way to help with the pain.

Fasting is a way of allowing my stomach the time to calm down and deal with IBS, without having to process food at the same time. There are many nerve endings in this region of the body and people who suffer with this condition react to pain very differently to others. What may seem trivial to some, is mirrored a hundred times over in my case, which seems logical considering worry and stress (usually about things that do not matter, ) play the biggest part in reactions or rather over reactions to this disorder.

She told me I should fast for twelve, ideally fourteen hours, to let my stomach adjust itself and then introduce eating gradually, taking notice of the body's reaction to each foodstuff and adjusting my diet accordingly. So today I am fasting; I haven't eaten since 5pm yesterday and will eat tomorrow morning, leaving it as long as I can. I have never given up food willingly for any length of time, certainly not recently, so I will see how this goes. At the moment I feel hungry as hell, but my stomach feels so much better and I have little irritation and soreness. Hopefully I will be able to calm this flare up down and try to get back to a semblance of normality. Unless you suffer with IBS, you really have no idea how painful it can be; it was good to finally talk to someone who understood the difficulties I faced and thankfully gave me advice, that I have never received before - I just hope it works!

A big hug and congratulations to my Cousin Phoebe on her appearance on 'BBC Radio 1 Introducing.' Her performance was as flawless as ever; an amazingly creative young lady, who will go far in her career. Her unique voice, veristic writing style and relaxed personality is testament to Phoebe's grounded nature and confident manner.

Well done Phoebe, I look forward to following your career and hope to see you very soon!

Some more photographs from in and around Portsmouth, whilst out walking during this lockdown period. To be honest I have been feeling a little down recently and walking is the only thing that takes my mind off my troubles. I am finding life pretty difficult at the moment, probably like all of us. Without the support of my partner and a constant feeling of isolation, I am starting to wonder why I am still in Britain.

Having two weeks holiday and doing absolutely nothing, spending every day on my own predominantly has brought out the worst in me, as I try to work my way through the loneliness. The stress and anxiety that plays such a large role in my life has now become the focus of my thoughts, every day. When I wake up in the morning, I am constantly reminded of the things I hate about myself the most - my consternation, uneasiness, worries, apprehension and ailments; the niggling pains that give me even more reason to dwell on the negative aspects of life and the dreams I have failed to fulfil in life.

The last few months have been difficult because I have had more time than I can cope with. This week I should have been in Japan, visiting Osaka and Mount Fuji, instead I have been at home, alone with my thoughts and memories of better times. I am well aware, that over thinking is a fault of mine and I remain empty and wanting at the end of it. I am always left with more questions than answers, and I am often filled with regrets, 'what ifs' and frustrations that I just can't shake.

Usually I am in a much better  frame of mind than I am today, but I am not in the habit of lying about how I feel, so this blog is the perfect forum for telling the truth. I have always tried to be as honest as I can, when I talk about myself, it is the best way to offload any pressing worries. The anxieties I suffer today are a direct result of the circumstances I find myself in. The only time I am truly happy, is when I am with my husband; when you spend twenty-five years with someone, it makes it hard when you have to live apart. There are people far worse off than I, especially during this pandemic, but I do wish I could travel back a few years, when we lived in Spain together, finally living the life we both had dreamed of for so long.

If I had the choice, I would leave on a plane tomorrow to be with Darrell, not because I don't want to be here with family, far from it, this has been my saving grace. I love being with my Aunt and Cousins, but because I need to be with the person I love and without him, life has become meaningless, without purpose.

Reassessing one's life and making plans for the future, whilst walking around this great city, has become as much a part of life as going to work has and whether I like it or not, it is the foundation of my time now in Portsmouth. As the months roll on and both of us spend more and more time apart, I fear the negativity will continue to resurface from time to time. I do not thrive in such situations and try to wrestle with my own demons in order to move forwards with hope and a determination to do what is right. If I had to leave tomorrow, I would; I do whatever I can to remain sanguine during tempestuous times!

The World does seem to be in a constant state of flux at the moment. The pandemic is still raging across continents, taking lives indiscriminately, creating uncertainty and leaving a trail of death and destruction that will take generations to mitigate. After the death of George Floyd, the 'Black Lives Matter' (human rights organisation) campaign is gathering pace globally, as black people fight for equality and campaign against violence and systematic racism towards black people. And all of us juggle our ever decreasing finances to make ends meet, as unemployment continues to rise, in the wake of COVID-19. These are strange, difficult and thought-provoking times, a period that will be talked about for years to come. The adversities all of us face on a daily basis, do indeed make us who we are and with circumstances the way they are I am reminded of my own battles, many of which I still fight today!

I was always a child who suffered at the hands of bullies. I knew I was gay from about the age of eleven and consequently found it hard to hide who I was. Back in the early 1980s, it was not acceptable to be homosexual  and I suffered physically and mentally as a result. When I look back at my school days I shudder at just how bad they were and what I had to do to survive. There was of course an element of lying about who I was, but there was more than that. I knew I was different, found men attractive and couldn't be who I wanted to be, but I was still a young boy growing up at a time of great prejudice, with feelings that were so different to my peers and as a result I became a 'self isolating outcast,' spending the majority of the time on my own, away from others, for fear of being attacked or worse, for who I was.

Of course when one spends too much time on ones own, the real battles outside turn to conflicts in the mind. My mental health became fragile, from an early age, but without the help and support people are accorded today, I tried and failed miserably, to overcome some dark and distressing periods. I often felt deeply depressed and alone and more worryingly had suicidal thoughts, that overtook my life. While my friends were growing up 'normally' enjoying all the activities 'normal' kids enjoy, I rapidly became more and more insular, afraid and scared of the future.

At the same time, AIDS impacted all our lives, rather like the pandemic of today and my sexuality became even more of a problem; I cried every night wrestling with fears that were spiralling out of control. I believed being gay would kill me and I wouldn't be able to stop it. I had no one to talk to, since the Government of the time introduced 'Section 28' prohibiting any conversations with professionals, who could have helped and life became even more pained than it was already. By the time I left school in 1987, I was a nervous wreck, with nowhere to turn, turning to alcohol and cigarettes for support.

The early 90s was a time of great liberation; I finally found myself and accept my lot in life. I attended Pride marches, joined the Anti-Nazi League and began fighting for my right to exist as a gay man. There were set backs and phases when I questioned my sexuality, but this was due to other people opinions and their destructive influences. I was attacked several times and on one occasion thrown into the back of a car and beaten for over an hour, finally thrown out in a ditch at the side of the road, where, battered and bruised I made my way home. The constant assaults and barrage of abuse  made me even more determined to carry on being me and I became physically stronger as a result. Despite this my mental health was in tatters and depression and suicide raised their ugly heads again.

When I met my current husband in 1995, I was ready to settle down with someone I truly loved and that is where my biggest struggle began. Darrell was Australian, and we were both embarking on a same-sex relationship during a time when we were not recognised as a couple. In law, we were denied the right to live together and were told to move to Australia or another country that recognised the nature of our relationship; there was literally no precedent in place to allow us to coexist in Britain. You have to remember this was a time when discrimination was rife, commonplace and endemic in British culture, and we had to fight hard to establish our credentials as a partnership.

Initially we moved to Australia and back again, finally ending up back in Perth for a second time, with the intention of living there for the rest of our lives. Circumstances dictated our next move; Labour won the next General Election of 1997, and we made a last ditched attempt to restart our life in the UK, when the New Labour Government changed the law to finally recognise our relationship. The next five years were tough as we fought the system through much hardship in order to remain in the country. The damage to both our careers, health and sense of well-being was beyond measure, but in the early 2000s Darrell was finally granted 'Indefinite Leave to Remain,' and we could finally start living, six years after we got together.

The battles I fought then are carried around with me still, a reminder that together we can overcome anything. When both of us became the victims of bullying, we decided, once again to carry on fighting. This was one of the biggest challenges of our life, and we went through the motions, followed the rules and did what we could to hold our heads high. In the end, we won the battle, but decided to leave the UK altogether and start a new life somewhere else, this time in Spain, away from the memories that had haunted us for so long. From then on, the World was our oyster, or, so we thought, until events once again conspired to change the course of our life.

Since 2016 we have lived apart for most of the year, while Darrell helps his Mother deal with the spectre of Cancer. I have returned to the UK and continue to do what I can to survive during difficult times. Both of us are also dealing with our own health issues, built up over many years of stress and anxiety and do what we can to support one another. Even today, as we both contend with a pandemic that is keeping us apart on opposite sides of the World, we both remain committed and focused on our relationship. The battles we fought at the beginning have really taught us much about staying the course and each of us have an undying sense of purpose as we traverse the later stages of our life together.