I've always had a keen interest in all things spiritual, believing in an afterlife and the power of mediums to channel energy. Whilst searching through some personal items today, I came across a cassette tape, produced by Terri Day in 2002, during a psychometric reading I had with her in December of that year. To be honest, listening to that recording today, I have been transported backwards twenty years. I remember the conversation I had with her in her House in Salisbury. She was an extremely nice, agreeable person, who through the power of jewellery, tried to analyse me and my life. Terri came highly recommended by a friend and at the time, sceptically, I took the plunge and booked an appointment to see her.

In many respects I have always been open to people like Terri; I really do believe there are people who can see past the earthly plane we live on. As a person who is constantly seeking answers for different aspects of life, Mediumship offers a way to make sense of confusion, in a way we can't always determine ourselves.

I have included an extract from the recording on that day, so readers can make what they will of her abilities. At the time I thought she was remarkably accurate in her assessment of my life, but much of what she said could have been interpreted in any number of ways. She didn't really tell me anything enlightening or miraculous; in fact she misunderstood many aspects of my life, especially my personal life. Her evaluation was completely off kilter, referring to my partner Darrell as 'her' and not even understanding we were living and working together on a daily basis. Today, listening to the recording I am disappointed at her reading and can only come to the conclusion, that she wasn't necessarily the person she claimed to be.

That is quite difficult for me to say, admitting that a Clairvoyant wasn't accurate, but that is the truth of my experience; I can't say I recognised much of what she said. I am not saying for one-minute Miss Day was fraudulent or deceptive in nature, but I don't believe she had clairvoyant ability. Nevertheless, Terri sparked an inquisitiveness in the supernatural side of life for me. Her reading in 2002 was the beginning of an interest in the occult that still remains prominent and part of who I am.

I began to read and appreciate the different ways one can tap into the unconscious and really understand a person. I spent the next ten years studying Chiromancy or Palmistry to the layman and entered a World that gripped my imagination. So obsessed with the meaning of life and how to interpret our journey in this World, I turned my interest into a passion, that still exists today.

I would often read friends and strangers hands and would not only surprise myself, but also others, in just how much you could tell about another person, just by looking at the lines on the palmar surface. I have often been blown away by the circumstances and events I have seen mapped before me; I truly believe all of us have the ability to understand ourselves more, by looking at the lines on our hands, but acknowledge it isn't always possible for everyone to grasp that narrative before them.

In complete contrast to Clairvoyance, Palmistry offers a tangible insight into a persons mind. Mediumship relies on faith and a belief in an individual; we are hopeful they are honest and true and can do what they portend, but there will always be an element of trust involved. A Medium can research and investigate, to obtain information by dishonest means. Only the person having a reading can really determine if it is sincere and reliable. Throughout my audience with Terri, I didn't feel entirely comfortable with her commentary and if I am brutally honest, she didn't really understand who I was at all.

Then of course there was the so-called psychic who had spent three months living with my dead Grandmother. When a work colleague contacted me, claiming of her ability to contact the afterlife, including my Grandmother, I was in no position to disbelieve her. This unscrupulous person even came to my home as a trusted friend and confidante, to help Darrell and I meditate and open our minds to the concept of the spirit world. Spending an hour 'opening our chakras,' she spuriously pretended to help us see past our own scepticism. Self-evidently, it was all nonsense and this unethical reprobate, just wanted to cause us maximum hurt and pain. For a while I did believe her and thought she was a friend, but as time moved on, I saw past the lies and her disruptive shenanigans, discovering she wasn't the person I thought she was. Most people understood her true nature at the time and could only shrug, hold their hands in the air and say, they told us so. I only had myself to blame, wanting to believe in her more than anything else; I was blinded from the truth!

My next brush with the transcendental came with a trip to see my all-time hero 'Psychic Sally,' at The Mayflower Theatre in Southampton. I used to watch her television show all the time, as often as I could. When I found out she was going on tour, I just had to go. I had high expectations for the evening, but sadly ended up very disappointed. Her live performance was particularly mediocre, and I didn't feel she was genuinely tapping into the spirit World. My interest in her diminished shortly afterwards and her perceived lack of ability turned me away from parapsychology completely, as I sort answers to problems elsewhere. I am not saying for one minute that Sally Morgan was a fake, far from it, but she just didn't connect with me, in a way I hoped she would; for someone seeking answers, that is important!

Today, I continue to read palms when I can and still have that curiosity in divination, I think I probably always will. I have a packet of tarot cards, placed under my bed, wrapped in a silk scarf and often ask them questions. I watch 'Most Haunted,' read my horoscope in the newspaper and stumble across fortune telling websites; Yes, I still have an enthusiasm for anything that can't be explained. However, I am more realistic with rationales and remain a sceptic, until convinced to the contrary. Something inside me will always want to believe, no matter how much I am persuaded otherwise, but until I really understand the nature of spirituality, I will continue to wrestle with my conscience, searching for aggregates and reading between the lines!

I've just popped into Portsmouth City centre this morning to have a COVID-19 test. I booked a ten-minute appointment online yesterday, after the new rapid test centre for critical workers opened up in Guildhall Square.

Surprisingly I haven't had a Coronavirus test yet. When I had my symptoms back in March/April, tests for people like me were not available, consequently I never knew if I had the virus or not. I jumped at the opportunity to get tested, if anything, to put my mind at rest.

Key workers are now able to test regularly at the site, in order to ensure they are keeping others safe at work. Asymptomatic spread of the disease is a large problem for local authorities, trying to keep track of the virus; with this new centre open, anyone without symptoms is being encouraged to get tested. This will give Portsmouth City Council an idea of just how far COVID has spread.

With the highest infection rate in Hampshire, it is vital all of us who live here get on top of the R-Rate, which is falling slower than expected. Rapid and surge testing will help to determine the extent of infection, but it won't empower people to attend centres like the one in Portsmouth, that is up to us. As a community, we need to encourage friends, families and work colleagues to get tested, if they work in any of the key frontline roles. If we want to get back to normal, the quicker we isolate those who are carrying the virus, but showing no symptoms, the sooner we will get on top of community transmission. If you are a key worker like me, please get tested

I arrived ten minutes before my test and walked straight into the Guildhall, where I was asked to provide some personal information and connect to a government application, before I went into the test centre. All my details were confirmed and the notification 'flashed green' as soon as I had filled in all my details. I was then directed to a cubical, where I showed them the phone application, to confirm I had completed my contact information correctly.

After a few brief questions, I was asked to swab my throat, which made me gag, confirming I had undertaken the procedure correctly, apparently. Finally, I had to repeat the process again, using the same swab up one of my nostrils. It was all very quick, done within half a minute, and I was free to go. Within half an hour I had received my negative test result and was able to carry on with the rest of my day.

It will be a few months yet before I receive my vaccination, so in the interim, I have decided to get tested every week, until I am fully protected. That way I will make sure myself and others are kept safe. Apart from anything else, I think it is my civic duty to do whatever I can, to help the local and national effort to eradicate COVID-19. I would urge anyone else considering going along to the Guildhall to do so and lets start getting life back to normal

In 1999, I was asked to write an article for my local newspaper, the Southern Daily Echo, in reply to an unprovoked, scathing attack on the gay community, by a local Member of Parliament. I had initially written a letter to the editor in response to an article, composed by Sir Desmond Swayne MP, detailing his objections to the lowering of the age of consent for gay men, to equal that of our heterosexual counterparts. The article he wrote was a shuddering diatribe about homosexual men and the lifestyles we were accused of leading. His comments were hurtful, degrading and utterly appalling. After reading his piece, I had to put pen to paper and make my voice heard.

Immediately I contacted the Editor, utterly horrified that this article was allowed to be printed in the first place. The words Sir Desmond wrote were extremely disturbing and at times defamatory in nature. I didn't recognise the wayward description of my homosexual brethren and I didn't understand why someone could be so misguided in their views.

The editor explained his stance on the matter and asked if I would like to write a column the following week, in reply to Sir Desmond. Still incensed about the 'out of touch' MP, I sat down to write what I considered to be a measured and fair reply. The reality is, I just wanted to knock the guy out, but that would have just reinforced his bigoted views, making me the degenerate he referred to, all to frequently in his composition.

Every time I have seen this man, still Member of Parliament for the New Forest, on television, I have literally switched over, or growled vocally at the screen. I have had no time for him ever since and just cringed at his lack of knowledge on a subject, he really should have researched before launching into a public attack.

Imagine my surprise today, while browsing through the newspaper headlines on the internet, as I do every morning, when I came across this article from Sir Desmond Swayne. I thought to myself, 'oh God here we go again, the old bugger is off on his usual rant, about the evils of homosexuality!' However, NO, No, this was a discourse about change and how Sir Desmond had seen the light and admitted how wrong he was..... I don't mind telling you, I was gobsmacked; this was a man holding his hands up and saying he was mistaken and inaccurate in his assessment of gay men and incorrect for saying the things he did, and I couldn't quite believe it!

Personally I am not sure such a man can change so much. Don't get me wrong if he has really seen the light, then I embrace him with open arms. But hugging Sir Desmond is probably not going to happen anytime soon. This person had such anti-gay views, that I just can't see how they have transposed out of all recognition. Homophobia is a particularly entrenched attitude, one that usually takes generations to change. One man miraculously reforming overnight is a little hard to believe, though it has to be said, not impossible.

Rest assured, I will be writing to Sir Desmond Swayne, after I finish this article to discover just what has happened. It would be great to stand up and admit I was wrong for thinking a leopard never changes its spots, but is he really a rehabilitated character?.... Whatever happens, I must go and have a lie down; once again, the World is a little stranger, my head a little foggier and in retrospect that column I wrote in 1999 may never have happened at all!

I've just got off the phone from the Royal Bournemouth Hospital; I was approached about taking part in a new COVID vaccine trial several weeks ago and the lead organiser wanted to touch base about a revolutionary new vaccine trial. Unlike other vaccine studies this particular one is a microbial antibody testing programme, using the serum from recovered patients.  I have been interested in taking part in such a medical evaluation for a while now and want to play my part, in the fight against this virus.

I was given an initial telephone assessment, to check I was the right calibre of person to take part in this unique study and was told I had passed this first stage. Next I have to undergo some health and blood tests, something I am very used to at my time of life, and then the administering of any new vaccine. Of course this may take a while, but I am looking forward to being a part of this group in the not too distant future.

The organiser explained, that as a front line worker, who isn't part of the initial vaccine roll out, falling outside the list of nine priority groups, who will be vaccinated first, I was just the type of person they were looking for. I was also informed of other up and coming trials that I could also take part in, should I decide this one isn't right for me. If anything I may well get the chance of having a jab sooner rather than later, which will only help me and the anxiety I suffer with every day; that cant be a bad thing!

After speaking to the Royal Bournemouth, I was able to talk with Darrell, who is feeling a little alone at the moment, like all of us. He wanted me to update his CV, so he can do some volunteering during the last few months he has left in Australia. He is speaking with someone tomorrow about volunteering with Kangaroos, helping to look after them and feed newborns, especially after the terrible bush fires in Western Australia recently.

Darrell has found the last few months, especially hard, and I am just glad he is looking into doing something productive, especially with wild animals. Personally I can't wait to be able to volunteer again; it is great for the soul and our own sense of well-being. I have given up my time, helping various charities over the years and have always enjoyed it.

On Monday I will finally get my pneumonia jab, which has been delayed and delayed for various reasons including having to self-isolate. I have made a decision to go ahead and get the vaccine, despite the £70.00 cost. As an ex smoker, I am more susceptible to this awful disease and with secondary pneumonia a complication of Coronavirus, I am glad to be having it done. These days I am constantly thinking about my health and doing what I can to survive this dreadful period.

My IBS has also been out of control recently, so I decided to take some medical advice about how to manage it. together with my other gastrointestinal issues, a practitioner suggested I try some 'digestive enzymes' and 'Milk Thistle,' which I have bought from the health food shop in town. I have only been taking them for a couple of days, but already my stomach feels a hundred times better. However, I do have a terrible headache, which can apparently be a side effect of the enzymes. I am just hoping it isn't a permanent feature, especially as my stomach feels like new.

As all of us battle our own demons during this pandemic, I am more mindful of my health. No smoking or drinking, healthy eating and lots of walking seems to be paying dividends. If it wasn't for my IBS I would feel great, but you can't have everything. I hope the next nine months before Darrell returns to the UK is the beginning of a sea change in my life, that lasts way beyond this pandemic and I can start living life more positively once again. Without the mistakes of the past and the challenges we strived to overcome, I pray this is the beginning of something good and the end of the worst twelve months of our life. This is a time to grow, a time to heal and a time to look forward, onwards to the future, not looking back at the past!

It's Friday, not a day I usually blog, because I am normally beavering away at work by now, however this week, once again, I am self Isolating. Yesterday I received yet another message from 'Track and Trace,' to isolate, after coming into contact with someone who has reported they have Coronavirus symptoms. I've lost count how many times I have had to do this now, but it must be about three or four. Yes it is tiresome, inconvenient and exasperating, but unlike others, I understand the importance of doing it. It was interesting to see on the news last night, that around twenty-eight thousand  people are actually ignoring the notifications and carrying on as normal. Why, just why would you? If you have the app on your phone, follow it and do the right thing for Christ’s sake, it is your civic duty.

As usual, I have no idea how or why I came into contact with whoever this person is, but I have a good idea. When I am working, I am protected from the general public by a perspex shield, so there is no need to have my 'Track and Trace' app turned on. In fact the service have told me to turn it off. Nevertheless, I did have a Hospital Appointment on the day I would have been exposed, so this could be the reason why I am isolating yet again. Like everyone else I will never know who gave my details and I will remain in the dark, which is probably a good thing.

I do have concern about the timings involved. I received a message yesterday to isolate for five days, which means If I did have COVID-19, I would have been walking around for five days, following my usual routine, not knowing I could have been passing on this deadly virus. One can only assume the person who reported symptoms, didn't do so soon enough or the results of the test came through later than one would have expected. It is so important people are notified quickly, to stop the spread; this is the second time I have had a very short quarantine period, which says something is going wrong with the system. Let's hope that the Government gets its act together and of course the public actually follow the rules and report symptoms as soon as they get them!

On a positive note, it is great to see the UK's vaccination programme really ramping up. When I listened to the news yesterday, ten and a half million people had already received their first dose of the vaccine. This is great news; the sooner all of us are immunised, the quicker we will get back to normal. The crucial thing is, everyone who is offered a jab, takes the jab. I am sick and tired of the conspiracy theories and the anti-vaxxers. These people know nothing about this virus and its impact on families and need to take a long hard look at themselves. Their views are abhorrent and wrong and deserve no air time. Shocking scenes of these people storming hospital wards, accusing health care professionals of 'murder' is beyond comprehension, It highlights the odious lack of understanding and education. It is an appalling indictment on a small, yet vocal minority of the population, that mistakenly believe this virus is a hoax, it just makes me want to cry!

One piece of news I did find a little hard to stomach this week, was Europe's reaction to our Vaccination programme. Predictably, they slammed our efforts, implying we were taking risks with peoples lives, having not tested the vaccines properly. At one stage they threatened Britain with a hard Northern Irish border, trying to divert valuable medicines to the European Union. The vindictive nature of their behaviour, trying to restrict the amount of vaccine made in the EU, travelling to the UK, because we had actually ordered and secured batches three months before, beggars belief. They were willing to disrupt supply to those who needed it most, in order to save face. It is their bureaucracy that has delayed their immunisation programme; it has nothing to do with us. Luckily they backed down at the last minute as Europe invariably does. My love hate relationship with Europe has once again been tested. Having reversed my stance on Brexit, I was once again brought to boiling point, by Europe's actions. Their conduct is the reason I voted to leave, this just creates more negativity, when we should all be working together.

This week we saw the death of a hero, the superstar of this pandemic, an ex serviceman, Knight of the Realm and champion of the National Health Service. Sadly Captain Sir Tom Moore, who raised thirty-nine million pounds for NHS charities died of Pneumonia and Coronavirus, succumbing to the disease, he had fought against throughout 2020. This man, who in his 99th year, walked a hundred laps of his garden, raising millions, was a loss that's hard to countenance.

Sir Tom was the constant in all our lives last year; his positive outlook, cheerful disposition and stoicism in the face of tragedy carried all of us through the worst of the pandemic. This national treasure was an inspiration during dark times, a man who encouraged many to raise yet more money for charities up and down the country and was known throughout the World for his efforts. Losing this gentle soul in his 100th year, was a tragic day for everyone with an ounce of empathy and compassion. His loss will be felt by all of us, especially his family and those who knew him best.

I would like to offer my sincere condolences to Sir Toms family at this sad time and hope his legacy will live on, long after the pandemic has gone. It is people like him that epitomise the plucky British spirit, sense of duty and strength in the face of adversity. A man unknown just a year ago, rose to the challenges of a virus, that could have taken his life at any stage and became a living, breathing hero, who none of us will forget. The man of the moment will forever live in the hearts of a nation who needed his courage, in order to face the challenges ahead. His achievements will always be remembered, in death as they were in life.

I did manage to speak to Darrell briefly over the last few days and he is phoning me every day whilst I am self isolating. To be honest it is the only time we actually get to talk more often. Having to lock myself away for a week isn't ideal, but it does give me a little bit of 'me' time that I wouldn't otherwise have.

Darrell has also been isolating this week, not because of possible contact with someone who has tested positive for COVID, but because Western Australia entered a brief total lockdown. A security guard, tested positive for the more deadly UK strain and had been working several jobs, bringing him into contact with many different people. The authorities there were understandably concerned about a potential outbreak and immediately did the right thing, closing the state.

Darrell was unsurprisingly frustrated; unlike us Brits, he isn't used to the mandatory mask wearing and rule adherence. When I phoned him today, he told me they had come out of lockdown, after everyone who had come into contact with the virus had tested negative. Once again I can't fault Australia for their quick reaction to a situation, that could have so quickly got out of hand and once again Darrell and Mum can breathe a sigh of relief.

Bush fires have also been raging in Western Australia, just 2 km from where we used to live in Ellenbrook. Of course this isn't entirely unusual, but their proximity to the city is and is also a concern for Darrell and the residents who live there.

Wherever you are in the World at the moment, there does seem to be an overbearing number of problems and disturbances to deal with - COVID, wildfires, political unrest in Burma, famine in Africa and the after effects of Brexit. All of these issues seem to indicate a time of turbulence, that I haven't really witnessed in my lifetime. As a planet we have enjoyed prosperity and progress up to now and enjoyed a relatively peaceful period, free from the unrest and turmoil of the past. 2020 has shown us, fate is always round the corner waiting to rear its ugly head and all of us should prepare for the worst. My generation had become too complacent, it's time all of us woke up to the challenges, that will dominate all our lives from now on.

So, I have another four days of self-isolation to go before I can get back to work, which is going to drive me bonkers once again. I am taking the opportunity to catch up on some reading, blogging and sorting out by IBS symptoms. Today I am fasting for twenty-four hours, which always helps to reset my stomach. Already the pain has subsided, as I just drink green tea and water, and although I am feeling a bit dizzy and tired, I am at least enjoying the benefits of a pain free day.

I'm not really sure why fasting helps, but from what I believe it is about giving the stomach time to rest, without having to process any food; whatever the reasons, it seems to work for me. At a time when all of us should be thinking about our own personal well-being, exercising, eating healthily and doing whatever we can to avoid the terrible effects of Coronavirus, should we be unfortunate to contract it, it is important for me at least to look after my digestive system. When my tummy feels good, so do I. If I can only lower my stress levels as well, I should hopefully weather the storm until it is my turn to be vaccinated, until then it will be more of the same - isolating, mask wearing, social distancing and sanitizing one's hands. Nothing lasts forever and like all of you, I long for the day life returns to normal; stay safe everyone, stay safe!

I've had a bit of a funny week this week, probably because I've had too much time on my hands. About a year ago I took a DNA test, as I tried to trace ancestors for my family tree. I had a high degree of success as well, finding relations all over the World, although how I ended up with family in some of the more obscure places, is anyone's guess. My Grandfather was a merchant seaman, so collating all the information, one could assume many possibilities. Discovering cousins from every corner of the globe and their connections to me and my lineage is a story, for another day, but it has made me delve deeper into my DNA.

Last week I was contacted by a medical research company who asked if they could use my  DNA data for research they were carrying out, and I agreed; the results were eye-opening and one hundred percent accurate. For example, I had confirmation, that I had keloid skin, something I already knew, from an operation I had in the 1980s. Also, I discovered my blood group, which is 'A' and not what I expected at all. I always believed I had an 'O' blood type, but apparently not. Of course, being someone who suffers with health anxiety, I decided to look up the implications of this new revelation and was horrified at the result. It seems that 'A' blood types are weaker in every sense. It was the oldest of all the groups, but also the one with a shorter life span, more incidents of cardiac arrest, stroke and cancer and... the list goes on. By the end of the research, I was ready to just give up on life altogether. In truth, I wish I hadn't bothered to discover my blood type, it has just caused me more anxiety than ever. As someone who suffers from OCD, this isn't one, I'm going to let go!

I also noted that people with blood type 'A' were more susceptible to COVID-19, not something a sensitive homosexual with health anxiety really wants to hear. True to form, I looked closer at the implications and discovered the statistics used to back up these findings, were not quite as they seemed. We are indeed more vulnerable to Coronavirus, but we tend not to get it as severely, with lower numbers of my blood group ending up on a ventilator needing intubation. Honestly, I got so engrossed with reading about the negative aspects of 'A' blood types, that I literally had literature everywhere - One article contradicting another, differing views and opinions, papers and journals; in the end I just gave up, none the wiser, about my blood type relevance!

Having suitably wound myself up, over my own mortality, it was quite apt that I had an appointment at the cardiac clinic here in Portsmouth this morning. My Doctor had ordered a cardiology test, due to an abnormal ECG I had a few months ago, ongoing arrhythmia problems and continual dizzy spells since April. I attended a distinctly deserted unit at 8.15 am this morning, where I was told I had to wear a 'holter monitor' for seven days, so my hearts activity could be evaluated, in order to discover any abnormalities that may be occurring. Wearing one for seven days will be a bit of a challenge, especially whilst sleeping at night, but it is something I have to do. Dizziness, blurry vision and unsteadiness has been plaguing my life for the last nine months, and I need to find answers.

Various Doctors and consultants have mentioned a possible connection with my heart problems and Coronavirus, something I have thought about myself.  I am however mindful of my own level of fitness. I have put on a stone in weight since Christmas and the anxiety and stress I suffer with every day, seems to be exacerbating the symptoms. On the plus side, my blood pressure appears to be stable, but my heart rate irregular and much slower than it was. I am just hoping I can begin to get to the bottom of this as soon as possible.

After speaking to Darrell over the last few weeks, he also has his own problems to deal with. Both of us are heading towards our respective 50th Birthdays, with all the difficulties that entails. Neither of us are getting any younger and after living a rather fulfilled life shall we say, we are both aware of just what is around the corner. As someone who smoked cigarettes for well over thirty years, I understand I won't be living to a ripe old age, but having changed my outlook dramatically in recent years, I am hoping to mitigate the future somewhat. Like everyone, I just can't predict what will happen tomorrow, so I am doing my best to influence the consequences of my actions now and live a healthier, better, more productive life, as all of us should, especially as we navigate this new COVID era!

I've had three days off work with plenty of things to do, but have actually done very little if I am honest. I started watching the five part Channel 4 drama 'It's a Sin' on Friday, and it has kind of taken over my thoughts. On Saturday, I did manage to get out and go for a seven-mile walk, but even then, I just couldn't stop thinking about this programme. Walking around Portsmouth, I felt lucky to be alive, enjoying the sea air, beautiful scenery and timeless coastline, that I have visited many times before. Nevertheless, as I sat on South Parade Pier, looking out across the water, I remembered a time, not so long ago, when my life wasn't so simple, a period not unlike today, full of fear and anxiety.

'It's a Sin' took me back to the 1980s, growing up gay during the AIDS epidemic and at a time of great social change, trying to discover who I really was, surrounded by hate, disapproval and trepidation. When I look back to my teenage years, I am reminded of the pain and difficulties I went through, trying to 'come out' in a World that just didn't care. There was no understanding or acceptance from those I regarded as close, because they never knew I was gay. There was no shoulder to cry on, when my feelings for someone else, weren't reciprocated, because they didn't see me as I really was. Above all there was no support when I needed it most, because I wasn't allowed to ask the right questions, seek the correct answers, or talk to somebody, anybody who could help me figure out the feelings I wrestled with every day. I was alone, unhappy, frightened and scared, during a period when gay men were hidden from society, afraid to admit their sexuality.

Towards the end of the 1980s I was fully aware 'people like me' were falling ill, dying alone, rejected by family and friends and unable to be close to partners. Thrown to the sidelines, by bitter, vindictive parents, who only saw them as the catalyst for their sons 'perverted' lifestyle, they were left to pick up the pieces, often without recognition of a lifetime spent with the person they loved. This was an undemonstrative time, where most people only thought about themselves, greed was the religion of the day and gay men like me were left abandoned and alone, by the very people who should have been there for us; this was the saddest time of my life!

During the early 1980s, I was just a small child, trying to find my feet and had no understanding of the AIDS epidemic beginning to sweep the World. It is still a shock to me now, that gay men refused to accept this virus could kill them, and it was all made up in the minds of those at the top, to stop them having sex with each other. The links to the COVID pandemic today are stark and clear. Coronavirus deniers, like those who rejected the existence of AIDS, are as vocal today as they ever were. In the 1980s HIV/AIDS was an imaginary illness, propagated to eradicate homosexuality. Here in 2021, COVID is a hoax and a ploy to control the masses. For those of us who lived through the worst of the AIDS crisis, this is a repeat of the same idiocy, indistinguishable stupidity and identical misrepresentation touted forty years ago, a dangerous repudiation of the facts in the face of disaster. We are indeed repeating the mistakes of the past.

Although I enjoyed watching 'It's a Sin' over the last few days, I have been left feeling rather melancholy and downhearted. This series was poignant, moving, wonderfully acted and full of memories from my past. However, it was also extremely painful to watch, triggering some significantly upsetting and uncomfortable evocations, I thought I had laid to rest years ago. It is clear that no matter how traumatic the 1980s were, they will never leave my consciousness. The pandemic we are living through today, will equally remain a tragic reminder of, the mistakes made by people who understood  nothing from history and the failings we never seem to redress. Once again a generation will pay for the miscalculations of the few and the irresponsibility of the ignorant!

I'm not enjoying this now, I have just about had enough of it all; am I the only person who feels like this at the moment? I am not talking about having to follow the rules, which I am happy to do, I am talking about other people ignoring guidelines and laws designed to protect them. When will people understand the ramifications of this bloody virus; it is killing people, every day, hundreds and hundreds of people, and yet they still break the rules. I am really at a loss to understand the mentality of those anti-vaxers, COVID deniers and rule breaks, it really beggars belief!

I have had a busy week, so much so, I haven't even been able to speak to Darrell. We usually put some time aside for each other, but it has just been impossible over the last seven days. The time difference is beginning to get to me and if I am brutally honest I am sick and tired of our long distant relationship. It really shouldn't have to be this way, it's only because of those at the top, that we have been separated in the first place. Having to constantly live your life around immigration rules has always been a challenge, from day 1, but as I approach my 50th Birthday, I would have hoped our life together would have changed, and we would be free to live as we want. Today however, in the midst of a pandemic our relationship is more restricted than ever!

Nearly a year on from the beginning of the COVID crisis, I am struggling, more than I have done for a long time. A few days ago I was informed a friend from my dim and distant past has passed away from COVID-19. This was a person I knew well as a young adult; he was fit and healthy, (far more than I) and was always full of life. He was several years younger than me and his loss has hit me far more than I would have expected. I haven't seen him for many years, but the impact of his death has shown me, just how vulnerable we all are, yet there are still people who 'just don't get it!'

Feeling extra sensitive and angry, I lost my temper yesterday, with someone I shouldn't have. Of course, I did it for the right reasons, because I felt they were in a situation that left them exposed to transmission of the virus. When someone you know dies, the thoughts and feelings you experience are difficult to decipher. I don't know how I am supposed to act, but it just wants me to protect those closest even more, even if I do shout and scream from time to time.

I would really love to know the psychology behind those who ignore rules and only think about themselves. Blatantly, it is a typical mark of sociopathic behaviour, but not all of them can have this trait. I did read an article recently about people who just refuse to wear masks, not those who can't, but those who just won't, and it was quite eye-opening. Most of these people have anti-social characteristics and understand the implications of not be protected. You can see the culprits as you scroll through social media, read about their partying, while others shield and isolate. You can see their genuine disdain for authority and their friends, family and neighbours as they stick two fingers up to the rest of us. These are the worst people in society, those who cause harm to others and those who are at least in part, responsible for spreading this virus through communities. Yes the Government has made mistakes, but they are not responsible for reckless behaviour that endangers all of us, as we fight to live another day.

Some days are better than others; all of us have our ups and downs and there are times I remain upbeat, despite everything falling apart around me. As a person I am usually an optimist; to be honest, anyone who blogs every day, with little or no recognition, has to have a modicum of sanguineness, in order to just get through the next entry. Writing allows me to express and offload my feelings, which has been a lifesaver during this pandemic. It has stopped me becoming an alcoholic, taking up smoking and eating myself out of house and home, it has given me a creative outlet during one of the most stressful periods of my life.

When I see the surrounding self-destruction, the lack of empathy, the aggressive confrontations and incredulous misinformation, I am reminded how lucky I am. I read, research and understand, I don't believe in mendacity and I dismiss ramblings from discredited sources. Fake news and conspiracy theories, that dominate the lives of those who believe in the machinations of the influential few, have now become so dangerous, that it is safer to say nothing at all. The voices of the hoi polloi, the masses who follow the rules are growing weaker, as the more bombastic, blustering inflated egos shout ever louder. Maybe it's time us plebeians stood up and faced down the onslaught of prevarication.

Today I was finally able to talk to Darrell on my one and only day off this week. It feels good to offload how I feel with my husband, rather than writing it down on a blog. Both of us, like all of you are feeling the fatigue virtually a year on, but we still remain positive for the future, even if we don't always sound upbeat. Our priority is to stay safe, protect ourselves and our family and continue fighting for our future together. When I shout, express an opinion or let off steam; when I wear a mask, sanitise my hands every few minutes or try and keep two meters apart, it's because I want to see my partner again. I want my family to stay safe, my dreams to stay alive and above all I want to live my life again!

Today, thinking about what to write, I find myself a little stumped. For the first time in God knows how long, I just can't think of anything to mention, that is causing me concern, or something else I just need to get off my chest. As weeks go, it has been a pretty mundane one for me, and although the World seems to be imploding around us, I have just blocked out most of the bad stuff and concentrated on me for a change.

Usually I would be glued to the television, absorbing the Coronavirus news and expressing a view on the Governments handling of the virus, but today, I just don't have an opinion. I've been feeling rather apathetic about the whole sorry saga if I am honest, and often feel I am banging my head against a brick wall. Of course, I express opinions on social media, just like everyone else, which doesn't always go down well. My sentiments are not shared by everyone and I get upset at their lack of respect for all key workers working hard during this pandemic. Sometimes, I just have to bite my tongue and ignore the Covidiots, as much as I would like to take them to task.

I had to go to the opticians this week to get my eyes tested, not something I particularly wanted to do in the current climate, but absolutely necessary, considering how bad my eyesight has got in recent times. Dizzy spells, blurred vision and headaches, have been plaguing my life, especially since April 2020. Naturally I am concerned about why this is happening, and I have tried different things, to find the cause, including stopping medication. I have managed to reduce the beta blocker  medication, Propranolol I have been prescribed by two thirds and  have stopped taking my blood pressure medication altogether. This may well seem dangerous to some, but I am continuing to monitor my blood pressure almost daily and so far there doesn't seem to be any detrimental effects.

On top of this change of regime, I have stopped smoking and drinking, and I am doing all I can to stay healthy. Obviously because of IBS, I have also had to adjust my diet and I did have concerns that the gallbladder disease I have, may also be contributing towards malabsorption issues, thus causing dizziness through lack of nutrients. Supplements of magnesium, to counteract the lansoprazole I have to take, vitamin D, a probiotic pill and enzyme tablets to help with the food intolerances, have not worked as well as I would have expected, but I do have good days and I just hope I get to the bottom of my ongoing troubles soon.

Attending the opticians was a chore in itself, greeted by staff in full PPE and having to undergo a more invasive test than I would have liked. Sat there as the optometrist moved close to my face, shining a bright light into my eyes, I literally grimaced under my mask. I haven't been that close to anyone in over a year, and it was a rather uncomfortable feeling. I did ask him, in a rather light-hearted way, if he was safe, to which he replied  'are you?' He assured me he was tested regularly, and I was as safe as I could be under the circumstances. I can't say I was suitably  reassured, but, I was resigned to the fact, that life does have to carry on.

No significant issues, pointing towards a sinister reason for my dizziness and disorientation was found, and I was left none the wiser about my current state of health. My eyesight has deteriorated since my last test and I ordered new glasses in a procedure highlighting the strange times we are living through - sanitizing lenses, plastic gloves and socially distancing, whilst trying to be fitting for new spectacles. Forty-five minutes later, I breathed a sigh of relief and was out of there, another diagnostic done, many more on the way.

My next appointment is to undergo cardiac assessments and investigations at the end of this month and I should hopefully be a step closer to understanding just what is happening. Until then, I am working harder than ever, have very little time to myself and am glad to keep busy. Like everyone else I am looking forward to the end of winter and a move towards better days, constantly aware of the dangers that lurk around every corner and hopeful the measures I take to keep myself safe, continue to pay dividends!

Stay safe everyone!