On Sunday I met up with Ramona, my best mate from University, for our monthly lunch date. This time we drove to The Crate and Apple Gastro pub, just down the road from the famous, Chichester Cathedral. The food was once again superb, especially dessert, the baked cheesecake, the special of the day. I was obviously a little dubious choosing the sweet course considering my IBS issues, but threw caution to the wind and gave it a go! The flavours were sensational; the fruit  and edible flowers, a perfect accompaniment with this home cooked dish. The main course was great also, although the lamb was just a little overcooked for my taste, nevertheless it was worth every penny.

We were seated by the fire in this traditional pub and once again chatted for the two hours we were there, about what we had been up to over the last month and most importantly, how we had been coping during this pandemic. Both of us have elderly parents, so have been doing our best to avoid putting them at any risk. Like me, Ramona feels it is important to keep a safe distance, until the danger has passed, but that does leave both her and I in a difficult position. Loneliness and a disconnection from loved ones has taken its toll and if I am honest, like Ramona, I am feeling more worn down by the day.

My old Uni friend has become an important part of my life, as I wrestle with the issues around Coronavirus. We both hadn't seen each other for a while, before meeting up over the last few months. We had however spoken on the phone, when COVID-19 was at its height, helping each other through a particularly difficult time in all our lives. There is definitely something very reassuring about having someone close, who you grew up with during an exceptionally enlightening time. Coming to terms with my sexuality and leaving home for the first time, was both thrilling and challenging, and I was lucky enough to share these important years with Ramona!

I have found myself reaching out to people more and more, especially now, as we approach the second wave of this pandemic and I'm not really sure why. I guess my own mortality has become a source of concern, especially after feeling so terribly ill in the spring, but it's more than that. My relationship with friends has always been strange, pushing them away more, then I invite them in. I have always been afraid of getting hurt, as I have been in the past, but I have also been a bit of a loner, preferring to spend time with my own thoughts and feelings, writing, reading and enjoying a solitary lifestyle. I had so many bad influences in my life at one stage, I had to rid myself of whole swathes of people, in order to move forwards.

Of course Ramona is one of the good guys, but I still find it difficult to trust anyone, after the turmoil I suffered at the hands of others. She has restored my faith in friendships and made me realise just how important they are now. None of us know how long we have left in this World; having a close bond with someone, for over thirty years is a rare thing, something special to be cherished and not discarded because of a misguided sense of foreboding. If this pandemic has taught me anything, it is the importance of friends, these are the people, who along with my family, have got me through these terrible painful months.

After lunch, we both took a leisurely walk, between showers to Chichester Cathedral, which was stunning. I am a deeply spiritual person, if not religious, and have always found comfort in such buildings. The place was rather empty, probably due to the pandemic and the restrictions in place, but it was the perfect venue to while away an hour, contemplating life during such a tragic period and remember those who were close and no longer with us.

It seems the church has also moved with the times; QR codes were dotted across the Cathedral, so we could donate if we wished, at the click of a button on our phone. There were also the usual social distancing measures in place, sanitizer around every corner and cleared spaces for easy access. It made a pleasant change to be away from the city and enjoying some much-needed time in the company of a friend who has always meant so much.

After a walk into the historic city and a browse around the shops, it was time to say goodbye for another month. It is days like this that keeps me going, knowing I have something to look forward to. I am lucky to have such wonderful people in my life and although we don't see each other every day, it is a blessing they are there at the end of a phone, when times get rough. The World may well have changed out of all recognition and people can't be as close as they were, but it is reassuring to know, somethings never change - the friendship we share, the similarities we convey and the memories that hold us together, will always be a part of who we are!

I have always loved Christmas and all things festive, so decided to put up my little Christmas tree this Thursday. Yes I know it is far earlier than usual, but it has been such a horrible time recently, I just needed a bit of sparkle and colour in my life. Christmas has always lifted my spirits when I am down and with winter drawing in fast, it felt right to begin the festive celebrations early; there's nothing like a fairy light to put a smile on my face.

Of course Christmas this year will be a very different occasion, with only a few family members sitting around the table on Christmas Day and that is sad. I have personally been saving for Christmas since January, putting some money aside each week to ensure all of us have an enjoyable time, but the reality is, it just won't be the same and I will probably keep most of the money for another year, the year we finally get back to normal, when ever that is.

This Yuletide I have bought a multicoloured tree, partly to celebrate my homosexuality and in part the NHS, colours of the rainbow shining brightly at a time of darkness. The more vibrant the decorations the better, as I try and do all I can to remain positive and happy. My state of mind is literally riding a roller-coaster of emotions at the moment. I don't think there has ever been a time when I have felt so worn down. My health has suffered dramatically since lockdown in March; after the likely Coronavirus diagnosis I received in April, it has slowly continued to decline!

Today I am still feeling the after effects of what I suspect was COVID-19. I feel tired, dizzy and achy most days. Initially I put it down to old age and over work, but after speaking to several friends and colleagues who had the virus, it seems they are also suffering from very similar symptoms. This is concerning for me, and I am rather apprehensive about the future ahead. Just how long COVID lingers and the potential enduring effects, nobody knows, but Long COVID is very real and all of us should be aware of it, as we enter the second wave.

Most of the time I try and block out the realities of life, but there are periods when I sit and dwell about the future, this is the time when distraction helps me cope with the awfulness we are all currently living through. A simple  Christmas tree is a reminder of Christmases past, better times spent with Darrell, family and friends. Most importantly for me is the welcome end of 2020, consigned to the history books, as one of the worst years in living memory. A fake evergreen tree symbolising the circle of life, renewal and abundance, even when hope has all but disappeared, is as good as it gets right now; that is a small price to pay.

This is such a difficult interval for friends, family and colleagues; it has become almost impossible to spend any time with those closest. A select number of us had a few nibbles and chatted over a sausage roll and glass of lemonade. Always following the regulations and mindful of the importance of remaining safe during this pandemic, we wished Zerina congratulations on her special day. This was a strange occasion, not our usual party of volunteers, drinking the night away at Yan Woo, but It was nevertheless as memorable as any other evening, even if it was for all the wrong reasons.

Darrell and I also celebrated another milestone this week. This time last year, Darrell arrived in the UK from Australia, to celebrate his Birthday with me in Britain. This month-long stay would be the last time I would see him, before the Coronavirus Pandemic took hold across the World. Looking back, at such a happy time is difficult for me, but I just hope it isn't too long before we see each other again.

I heard from my Member of Parliament as well this week, still working hard to highlight our case. Keeping me updated on his communication with the Home Office, he explained that he still hasn't heard from the Home Secretary, apologising for the length of time it is taking to receive a satisfactory reply. We still have a few months to go, before panic sets in, and we have to rethink our plans, until then I will continue to look on the bright side and celebrate life and all its ups and downs!

Thursday I was able to spend a few hours with family, a brief respite from the lonely World we are all living in at the moment. I haven't seen my Cousins for a while, due to the Coronavirus situation and don't think it is appropriate to put anyone at risk, by mixing at a time when COVID cases are rising across the country. I am in contact with many people on a daily basis and consequently avoid those closest if I can. Last week I told my Father I wouldn't be able to see him for the time being, because of the spiralling pandemic and not wanting to put him at risk. It is difficult to describe how I feel about this deep down, but frustrated and angry would be an understatement.

I suppose my annoyance is primarily directed towards the Government, as you would expect. They have got so much wrong during this crisis, the list is endless, but safe to say, they have acted appallingly in implementing measures too late and been weak in their half-hearted response. I am still following my own rules, which are harder than the Governments. I firmly believe we should have locked down completely, so we can try and delay the spread of this deadly disease before the winter months kick in. if we don't act now, we will be back in the same situation we were in during the spring and summer, during the first wave of the pandemic and that would be a disaster.

Spending time with friends and family is important for our own well-being; without the physical and emotional support they need, many people are suffering unimaginable loneliness and depression. The pain all of us are experiencing could have been avoided, if only we had followed scientific advice from day 1 and closed this country down. The second wave is giving us an opportunity to finally do the correct thing, but once again we can't get it right, and will spend the next four months watching the number of deaths rise uncontrollably.

This may well be the last time I spend the day with family until the spring. As the new tiered system of alert is rolled out across the nation, it is likely Portsmouth will slip into new restrictions as and when appropriate. The death rate per 100,000 is higher here now than the national average and that is probably due to the return of students and young people ignoring the guidelines. I am sick of doing the right thing, only for others to break the rules. All students should be working remotely from home, they shouldn't have been allowed to return to campuses, spreading the virus to their peers and consequently to the rest of the local population.

Like seventeen million others, I have downloaded the new NHS Track and Trace App. I felt it was part of my civic duty to do so; being brutally honest, I am regretting it. The app itself is easy to use, just leave it alone and it will do its thing, but I am being constantly bombarded by notifications informing me of potential exposure to the virus.

Not only are these messages frightening me half to death, but they are also completely useless. They give me no tangible information to use for my own protection, and I am left feeling irritated and confused about the action I should take. As soon as I click on these reports, to find out more, they disappear and I am left even more bewildered than I was before.

Take today as a perfect example - I had to attend my Doctors surgery for a blood test and as directed I scanned the surgery QR code, alerting the app to my whereabouts. Standing waiting to be seen, I received a 'Possible COVID-19 Exposure notification. Unable to move from my designated spot, I had to wait my turn to be seen, knowing that I am standing near to someone with symptoms. For someone like me, who suffers from anxiety, I don't mind telling you, I was panicking inside; I felt sick to my stomach.

One would have assumed that someone who had reported symptoms, shouldn't have even been in the surgery in the first place, certainly not in close proximity to others, potentially exposing them to the virus. Surely frightening people by sending these alerts in the first place, especially if there is no risk, is insane. There is no clear advice about what to do in these circumstances and for a layman like me, I am left with more questions than answers.

I have received other similar messages from the NHS and have been left rather confused about their nature and how to deal with their impact. This is a new application and it will of course evolve over time, but it is important that the general public are given more information. If you are encouraged to do everything the Government asks of you, then the least they can do is get it right. A notification of potential exposure is useless, if you don't know the circumstances behind it. Walking past someone in the street is a bit different to being stuck in a GP surgery, unable to get away.

I have known many people who have downloaded the NHS application, only to delete it later because of the lack of clarity, disappearing notifications and constant bombardment of data, messages and disinformation. I am more than willing to play my part but for God’s sake contact me when I need to be, not when I don't.

This week Darrell and I became another seven days closer to seeing one another again, whenever that is. Our inability to see one another is taking its toll on both of us and I have been suffering from stress far more than usual. My anxiety levels have been gradually increasing since January this year, when COVID hit the headlines and it is unlikely to get any better soon. If my partner was here with me in the UK, things would be much easier to cope with, but we are where we are.

I am lucky to be in a relationship after twenty-five years; both of us have worked hard to overcome the difficulties we have endured, but there are others less fortunate, spending this period completely alone. Darrell and I are physically separated by 10,000 miles, but we are still very much attached emotionally.

Yesterday I phoned Mrs F, an older lady I befriended during the height of the pandemic, back in March. We are still in contact and I make sure I phone her when I can, to check that she is doing OK. Well our phone call yesterday suggested she wasn't faring too well and I spent longer than usual talking with her, offering advice and making her laugh. When I put the phone down, I realised just how lucky I am. I do have a family around me and a husband who I love, Mrs F is alone in the World and it is so important we look out for those who need it.

This bloody pandemic has been a strain on every one of us, but it has taught me the importance of friendship. As we enter this second wave I am mindful of the difficulties I face and intend to continue doing all I can to protect those closest. When we finally come out the other side, I hope I can look back and say I did the right thing, my conscience is clear and I feel stronger than ever, even if I wasn't always right. Do whatever you can to get through the next few months, things will get choppy for a while, but these days will surely end, as night turns to day!

Christmas is coming and it is going to be yet another milestone that Darrell and I won't be enjoying together. This is actually my favourite time of year, so not spending it with my partner is going to be difficult. I have seriously been thinking about upping sticks and just getting on a plane and going to be with him in Australia - easier said than done I hear you say, but I am finding life particularly taxing at the moment; I am not enjoying it one bit!

'Compared to other people, I really don't have a lot to complain about!' This is all I am told, encouraged to 'knock myself out of it,' whatever 'it' is and get on with life. However, these are the people who really have no concept of what I am going through and the torment I feel every day. These are the people with perfect lives, wife, 2.4 children and an 'easy ride;' these are the people who have no idea what it is like to struggle, fight, battle and strive, and I am sick of hearing their opinions!

Today I am feeling angry, angry at the World and angry with myself. I wish I had gone to Australia when I had the chance, despite the difficulties involved; I surely would have muddled through. This bloody pandemic is getting me down yes, but the reaction of people is grating on me even more. No one cares about anyone, just themselves and how they are missing their annual holiday, can't go to their favourite restaurant or have that extra pint in the pub, because it is closing early. I am fed up with their selfish attitude towards others. They only wear masks when they want, refuse to socially distance, break all the rules and think they have the right to ignore the rest of us - well they don't, and they should be bloody ashamed of themselves!

I may well not be suffering like other people in the physical sense, but mentally I am drained and at the end of my tether. I haven't seen my husband for a year and have no idea when I will be allowed to see him again. If all you have to whinge about, is boredom on a Saturday night, because everything shuts at 10pm, the lack of quinoa on supermarket shelves or the queues outside Primark for your cheap, nasty clothes, then you really have no idea what heartache is. Yes I am bitter and feeling sorry for myself, yes it is rather self-indulgent, sybaritic and unrestrained but I have a voice and today I want to shout out loud from the rooftops... I have a reason to roar, can you really say the same!

Rant over!!!!

Over the last few months I have been gradually changing my lifestyle for many reasons. As you are all aware, I suffer with chronic IBS and have a number of underlying conditions, that probably make me more susceptible to food sensitivity. These have only been noticeable since I returned to Portsmouth from Spain and probably came to the fore, because of the changes I made to my lifestyle when I returned to the UK.

In Spain, I was an expert at living frugally. It was extremely difficult getting hold of the convenience, processed food readily available here. Of course, you could visit one of the many British supermarkets, stocking such products, but these were expensive and few and far between. It was much easier living in the same way the Spanish do and with money in short supply, I began changing my whole outlook on life.

Rather than buying British food from expensive international food aisles in Dialprix, Consum or Mercadona, I bought seasonal fruit and vegetables from the market in Gran Alacant, or the more affordable grocery stores. I chose to buy meat and other products that were on offer, pairing the ingredients for a nutritious 'cheap' alternative; cooking in bulk and freezing leftovers. This worked well for me, and I was able to live off twenty to thirty euro a week. I had graduated from the wasteful existence I had in Britain, to environmentally friendly sustainability, throwing very little away and learning to live a life more in tune with my Mother and Fathers childhood in the 1950s.

In 2020, I am living my life in similar fashion, but for very different reasons. In Spain, I had very little money to live on, so I had to readjust my lifestyle to take account of a limited income. Today I continue to cook in bulk because of the busy life I lead. Spending one day a week cooking for the next seven days, means I don't have to spend hours in the kitchen each evening, when I should be resting from long shifts at work.

My diet has also changed dramatically, since my Gastro Intestinal issues were diagnosed. I am choosing to follow a predominantly plant based diet; meat can be very difficult to digest, for me for at least, so alternatives have been a Godsend as I have tried to make my diet more IBS friendly and healthy. I have never really looked at this type of food before, let alone actually eat it, so it has been a leap into the unknown, but so far I have been pleasantly surprised by the choice out there.

As well as cooking up large pots of Quorn Stew, I am also trying out the other meat alternatives - this week, sausages, Quorn fillets and meatballs. The sausages are particularly delicious, full of flavour and better than normal sausages; yes you heard that right, I actually prefer eating them. Even the sausage rolls taste better in my humble opinion and most importantly do not have any adverse reactions with my GI issues.

However, there is a downside to all this meat free living and it is the cost. It is still far cheaper to eat animal products; if I am honest I would spend half the money I do on my weekly shop, if I could still happily enjoy it, but the truth is I can't. Eating meat is no longer compatible with my well-being and I have had to make dramatic changes to accommodate conditions that I never really knew I had.

I have discovered many foods that I can still eat - sushi, most fresh vegetables, Brie and Camembert, so at least I can still enjoy some cheese, although I no longer eat any other form of dairy. Also, I can eat most nuts, rice, cereal and my all-time favourite Marmite, which is also great for adding flavour to tofu and Quorn. I have removed all refined sugar, including cakes, chocolate and ice cream from my diet, to my absolute horror. It does seem on the surface at least, that I don't get any enjoyment from food any more and I suppose that is partly true.

All the things I used to enjoy, I can no longer eat; I can't remember the last time I had a piece of extra mature cheddar cheese, a chocolate finger, bottle of wine or tub of Ben and Jerry's, but I have found some friendly substitutes that have helped to ease the cravings. Dairy free desserts and chocolate can be quite appetising and causes me no harm whatsoever. It feels as though my body has started to heal after a lifetime of abuse and eating food that was no good for me at all.

Because of the changes I have made, I have been able to reintroduce some food that I couldn't eat just a few weeks ago. Until recently I have only been able to eat sourdough bread, but today I have reintroduced the normal, bog standard sliced loaf, which is about a third of the price and in my opinion tastes far better. I can also eat some pies and pastries, but not too much, so today I was able to buy a couple of home made pies from Zerina at Cancer Research and have had no adverse reaction; I am starting to live life again.

IBS is evolving all the time; one day I can eat one thing and on other days not, so I have to work my way around the complexities these ailments cause. I have taken my eating habits back to basics and gradually reintroduced a few items that I can now stomach once again, but it really has been hard work getting here. As someone who has always been able to eat what I want, I have found this process very difficult to deal with, but it has taught me much about myself and the nature of my body. It has shown me a way of living I have never experienced before, consequently making me feel far healthier and looking a lot trimmer than I was.

Over the last six months I have lost a stone in weight, I am walking a lot more and I have finally started to get to grips with my health, which does continue to cause me problems every day. I do feel fitter in many respects, but unravelling the pain that has been a constant in my life has been difficult. I have had to scream from the rooftops to see Doctors and Consultants, especially during this pandemic, but finally the results are beginning to show through. Exercise every morning and night is helping to ease the back pain I suffer with every day, and I am finally feeling positive and relieved, that I understand problems that have plagued my life for too long. If I have learned anything from this period, it's simply, I can change, adapt and make my life better. When I put my mind to something I can achieve all I want to. So far I'm half way there and thank God the light in finally at the end of the tunnel, helping to point the way to a more productive, satisfying and fulfilling life, without the mistakes of the past!

Coronavirus knows no bounds and its latest victim is no less a person than Donald Trump, The President of the United States. When I woke up this morning, the World was just beginning to digest the terrifying news, that the leader of the free World had caught COVID-19. This was dreadful news for America, coming just four weeks before the Presidential election; Mr Trump will now have to self-isolate for fourteen days. Of course nobody can be sure just how this will pan out, but if he recuperates well, he should be back on the campaign trail in a fortnight. Despite my dislike of his policies, I wish him and the First Lady, who also tested positive, well.

It is ironic that a man who constantly criticised his opponent Joe Biden for wearing a mask, is now suffering due to his lack of precautionary measures. This is a man who only recently started wearing a face covering himself and it is likely he has infected others in his Whitehouse team. I find his handling of the pandemic appalling and his reluctance to wear a mask shocking, considering the huge loss of life in the United States. The next week will determine just how bad things will get for the President, he is after all in a high risk category; at 74 years of age he is clinically obese; nevertheless despite this, statistically he is likely to pull through. There is of course lessons to be learned for all of us and the hope is people will finally wake up to the enormity of the threat at hand.

All of us should follow Government guidelines and wear coverings in public spaces. Remaining at a safe social distance is also necessary to stop the spread of COVID and not mixing with other households is a must. I am not visiting anyone now, and I am keeping clear of everyone who I don't personally know. The only real contact I have with people are those I work with and close family, even then I am mindful of the situation we all find ourselves in and keep a safe distance.

I was able to at least see family this week and spent a few hours walking through the cemetery feeding the squirrels with my Aunt, Cousin Rachel and the kids. All of us met outside in order to limit as much contact as we can. As the Coronavirus total continues to rise, I am once again  becoming rather anxious about the difficulties we are now all facing; I want to do as much as I can to protect those around me. I haven't seen my Cousins for quite a while, so it was wonderful to just relax in their company for a short while.

On the theme of 'doing the right thing,' I have continued to get to grips with my health issues, that have become more visible recently. Yesterday I had a physiotherapy session, where I was referred for more blood tests, this time for Rheumatoid Arthritis and Ankylosing Spondylitis. The consultant believes I have symptoms consistent with both conditions and wants to rule them in or out before we carry on with the sessions. These are not diseases I know anything about and for the first time I haven't googled their symptoms. It is important to find out exactly what is happening with my general well-being now, as I approach my 50th year, and I am glad the Doctors are doing what they can to ensure I understand the nature of the pain I am now experiencing.

Darrell and I are keeping very much to our 'family toast' tradition each week and yesterday we had our usual photo together, taken on different sides of the World. 'Doing the right thing' and keeping our relationship alive under the most difficult circumstances is important, even today. In fact, we have spoken every day this week, which has helped our situation feel more normal.

At our age we are lucky to still have each other and understand the importance of our relationship, now more than ever. This pandemic has indeed been a terrible juncture in all our lives, but for Darrell and I, it has cemented our partnership firmly together. We have overcome so many obstacles during our 25 years together that we aren't going to let a virus get in the way of our happiness. When all this is over, we can at least add COVID-19 to our list of boundaries crossed and struggles conquered. As long as we continue 'doing the right thing' both of us will come together stronger than ever... Just like all of you, but until then we will continue to fight, learning from our mistakes, remembering the good times and always, always looking forwards!