I had me first day off in over two months on Wednesday, so spent the day with Nathan and Ash, relaxing and drinking in the sun; I haven't done that in a while. Natalee met us at Zest, introducing her to these two guys for the first time. Nathan had left my life, before Natalee came along, so they never met, despite living in the same city. It felt great to be surrounded by people I have known for many years, from Southampton, a city I will always call home, living in Spain or not. Chatting about the things we used to get up to, times, long since past and memories, still fresh in the mind, if a little hazy, was a fantastic tonic for me. I still miss home from time to time, staying in contact with people helps me deal with the homesickness. When old friends and companions come to visit, my spirits are lifted in the best way possible.  It's great to have Nathan here, just like it was yesterday!

In today's blog entry, I wanted to reflect over the last year; boy what a year it has been, for both Darrell and myself. This time last year I had finished working at Dunbar's, as Darrell prepared to travel to Australia; spending the final month together before his departure at the beginning of August. We had never spent longer than a week apart from each other in twenty two years; having to spend seven months without one another was going to be hard. Having just moved to a foreign country, without a trusted support network  and without an income, were just some of the obstacles we had to overcome, in what was a most difficult year, one I would rather forget and certainly not a time I would want to revisit again.

Surviving on ones own, isn't something I have done very often in my life, in fact the last time I had to do it, was when I attended University in 1992. I was never any good at living as a single man and found this last year hard. I did of course have a small group of people around me; although these people are no longer there, I am grateful they were at the time. In reality I spent most of the time on my own, or with Jamie, before he left for home in January of this year. After the trauma of Oxfam I was and still am, very reluctant to invite people into my life. Even in Gran Alacant, we have experienced difficulties with individuals, who others had warned us about. Only now am I able to stand tall and have the courage of my own convictions. 

The last year, has taught me a great deal; hardships tend to make us stronger and I have learned to live in a way, only my grandparents would understand. Living on 10,00€ a week, is not something I have ever had to endure, but am grateful I did it. Living hand to mouth at my time of life, is not a way of life I would recommend, but the life lessons you learn are invaluable. As a person, I have always been independent, not wanting to ask anyone for anything. I was more likely to get taken from or used, even if I didn't have a cent to my name; not any longer however; hardship has also taught me to harden up, say no and walk away. 

While Darrell was away in Australia, I was trying to live my life, the best way I could and am lucky enough today, to have gained a strong network of friends, who have been more than generous, towards us. We have gradually changed our circle of contacts over the last year, as our life, and those we used to be friends with, have changed direction. This is probably the first time in my life, when I have actually finally began to think of myself and Darrell only. When you have nothing, you have nothing to give; the networkers and takers, also tend to avoid people like us, because we have nothing worth taking. You are finally left with a small group of people, close, good quality friends, with no expectations on anyone's part.

With Jamie leaving in January, my life really did take a downward spiral. Jamie left me financially in a mess and it was touch and go, whether or not I would survive. With Darrell caring for his Mother and having no source of income, these were dark times, during a particularly bad winter in Spain. This was the lowest point in my life here, the last few months before Darrell returned were deeply disturbing. I saw friends less and less, as they had their own lives to lead and initial reasons of companionship dwindled away.

I managed to pop out as often as a could, to my local pub, Zest in Sierra Mar. I have never been a person, who walked into bars on my own and to be honest never needed to, but when you are feeling low and in need of company, with few people to rely on, it is the ideal place to sit, relax and unwind. The people who work at Zest are great, whose company I enjoy; each of them were there for me, during difficult times. I have formed many close bonds and am lucky enough to call many of those who work there, friends. Zest will always be my local, somewhat of a sanctuary, away from the stresses of life in Spain.

​Natalee Michele is back in our life, after we fell our nearly a year before. Darrell arranged for us to meet at Zest, where we sorted out our differences finally, realising in the process that out initial reasons for breaking contact, were probably made up in the minds of others, trying to drive a wedge between friends. It is good to have her back  and I am thankful to all those who played their part in getting us talking again. 

Our first cat Precious,  died in March. Her health had become steadily worse over the winter and by March, she was practically lifeless. A friend, Paul took me and Precious to the vets in Santa Pola, where I decided to have her put to sleep. The lady vet thought she had experienceda brain hemorrhage and suggested the most humane option. This all happened on the day Darrell returned to the UK, renewing his visa and sorting out the last of the paperwork for residencia  in Spain. Like Darrell, I miss Precious everyday; we still have Lily, although after the death of her sister, she has aged dramatically; I don't think she is long for this world. I am happy we rescued Lily and continue to give her a good life. Animals play a very important role in a home.
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​Darrell returned home in the middle of May, finally back together, hopefully for good. I am not sure whether this is the end of the tough times or not. The insecurity and anxiety I feel is still there, inside of me, after such testing times. I still believe there are real struggles ahead for us both, as we adapt to yet another new chapter in our life. This will once again be a learning curve, a time that will help secure our life in Spain or not and hopefully avoid returning to Britain anytime soon. The bipolarcoaster ride, I have been on since 2014 continues unabated. In time  as we both gain the security we deserve, the ups and downs of our life will cease to be important. A smooth ride is all I desire, doing our time, forebearance over personal burden and vestigial perseverance, in the face of disaster, will help to repair the damage of the past. To learn, is to evolve; evolving helps to forget; always a reminder of challenges overcome!

So today is another fork in the road moment.  After six months in Spain, five months in my current job, I am now finally moving on.  In reality, I probably stayed in the job too long.  The nature of work is very different out in Spain.  You have to make all your money in the summer season, which only consists of about two months.  This money has to also tide you over for the winter.  How great I hear you say, you get to have all the winter off.  Well yes that is a bonus, but when you consider just how much you earn, and in my case the limited hours you work, it is very difficult to sustain yourself for any length of time, let alone, all throughout the winter.

I am lucky enough now, to be able to take a step back, while Darrell returns to Australia, earning far more than you can here.  There are many things I want to do with my time and this is the chance I have been waiting for, to explore all new avenues open to me at this time.  With my first new column being published on Friday, I do of course have my first glimpse of the future.  I am a writer, and that is what I first and foremost want to concentrate on. This blog, Spanish Views has been noticed and that is a great thing for me.  I now have a regular slot in a magazine, expressing my views, on a number of different topics, in the main those that are expat focused, but I also have a lot more ideas for discussion.  I of course write this blog, as well as updating Bipolarcoaster and Foreverenduringcycles and am currently working on a new website that will be focused on bullying, offering help and support to people, who may have been in similar situations as myself.  

I am also applying for freelance writing jobs and others in Spain or internet based companies.  In the meantime I do want to start my tefl course in Barcelona, as soon as I can.  This will allow me to teach in Spain.  Whilst not cheap, it does offer a more secure future, long term!

I would of course like to do more writing for newspapers and magazines.  I have written much in newspapers in the past, most noticeable about the age of consent reduction in Britain, the debate surrounding it and the nonsense spouted about it by people, who really have nothing better to do with their time, than write discriminatory rubbish.

I also have a love of poetry.  I have written many pieces in the past and often sit down and write a poem that has meaning at the time of writing.  I would like to get some more poetry published, having my first piece published in a book called 'Light of the World', in the early 1990s.

I also have a book to finish.  Yes I am writing my memoirs, the first unedited chapter of which I include, for my readers to take a sneaky look.  I have been writing this on and off for about ten years now, so it is about time I sat down and finished it.  To be honest, so much has happened in my life over this period, I haven't been able to keep up fully, but it is now firmly at the top of my priority list!

Then there is the continuing saga of the charity I used to work for.  I have been asked to write about what happened for a magazine, when I am able.  Whilst I am dealing with the legal ramifications, through various Government bodies, I am unable to write about it in the way I would like.  This is the reason I haven't been able to finish the 'My Story' section of this blog, but it will happen soon!

​So I do have options available to me now, I have finally semi retired, at least for a short while. Someone like me, has a lot to say and a lot to write about, so you can be sure, you will hear from me a lot more in the future, as I explore more ways to creatively write about a life I never chose!