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I am making an urgent appeal for my friend Katie Stewardson. I met Katie while living in Spain. Katie became a close friend and has even written for Roaming Brit. A few days ago Katie and her family, including her two week old son Sebastián were evacuated from their Southern Spanish home, after their property flooded along with thousands of others in the region. Katie is now trying to raise money for the local community who have lost everything, trying to ensure animals and livestock are re-homed and looked after, following the worst storms to hit Spain in a century. Katie has asked me to advertise this plea for help, so she and other victims can start to rebuild their lives!

Please click on the 'Go Fund Me' picture below, to take you to her appeal!

"Our farm was hit bad by the flooding of the 'south eastern Spanish gota fria.' Paddocks are flooded and sheds are destroyed, the kennels for the dogs are non existent and they have no shelter. We are not the only ones affected .

We are fundrasing to build new kennels for the dogs and new shelters for the goats at our finca. We are also fundraising for other fincas and shelters in the same mess as us.

Dog food to buy. Beds etc

Please help if you can, every little counts to remaking homes for the animals."

Mrs Trill’s fourth year juniors at Fareham Park School were invited to take part in a class Easter bonnet parade.  We were all very excited - probably the girls were more excited than the boys.  I didn’t know if I would be able to make a bonnet to participate - that would be up to my mum.

Mum wasn’t really into sewing, although she could sew.  She wasn’t into cooking unless it was the usual meals that she prepared - they were simple and delicious.  She made math's cards for the pupils in her class and she liked to do the display boards.  Mum was artistic but not really into making things, especially Easter bonnets.

My luck was in!  Dad was home from sea for a long weekend and he was volunteered to help me make the Easter bonnet!  Dad and I are pretty much alike.  We love to help others, we like to be creative, but we aren’t very good at creating with others.  We like to do our own thing.  So Dad made my Easter bonnet.  I remember him measuring my head to cut out the circle on a piece of cardboard.  I would have loved to have helped him stick on crumpled up tissue paper, but it was late and I had to go to bed.

I was very excited when I woke up the next morning to see my Easter bonnet; the parade was that day.  I dreamed of looking really pretty and maybe even winning the prize.  I got washed and dressed and ran downstairs for breakfast searching for the bonnet as I went; maybe Dad had it out in the garage?  I did see an orange triangular prism shaped object on the dining room table;  It had brick-like lines on it and looked like the roof of a house.

Mum was super organized and had put out the breakfast cereal, bowls and spoons the night before; my sister and I ate out in the kitchen. We had some nice orange bar stools with backs on them that fit comfortably under the counter in the kitchen.  Whilst eating my breakfast, Dad came downstairs;  Mum was in the bathroom getting ready for work.
“Did you see your hat?” He asked.  He seemed so happy that he had been able to help me with my Easter bonnet.
“No,” I replied.  “Where is it?”
“It’s on the dining room table”.
I don’t know if he saw my perplexed look; I didn’t remember seeing an Easter bonnet on the dining room table.
“I made you a roof; I thought that would be a pretty good Easter hat”, my Dad said.  “I just figured out how to put the chimney on it.  As soon as you have finished breakfast, try it on, it should be finished with it by then”.

I gulped; A flood of emotions came over me; I was so disappointed that I didn’t have a pretty flowered Easter bonnet to wear.  I was so thankful that my Dad had made me a hat but worried how others would react to how unique it was.  I was however so happy, that my Dad was happy and excited about helping me make a hat.

It fit perfectly and I was able to balance it on my head.  Dad had put some orange ribbons on it so that it would stay on.  Due to it’s large size I had to hold my head just so, so that it didn’t topple off or shift its position.  Dad said that he would give me a lift to school in the car as the hat was probably a little bulky to carry.  I grabbed my satchel and put on my coat and shoes and we were off to school.

School was just up the road.  It took me about ten to fifteen minutes to walk to school depending on how fast I walked; today, I was there in five minutes.  I struggled out of the car with my satchel and reached in to grab my Easter bonnet.  “Thanks so much, Dad!” I called out as I shut the door.

“My roof - my Easter bonnet - was kind of awkward to carry.  The bell rang and  we lined up in our classes.  As our class walked in to school, I avoided my classmates eyes.  We put our bonnets on the top of the bottom cabinets, went to our desks and proceeded with our day.  

The day dragged on;  I wished I was back at home and enjoying the weekend and that the Easter bonnet parade was over.  Then all too soon, lunch was over, final playtime was over and it was time to put on our Easter bonnets and parade in front of our class.  I took a big gulp and decided I would wear my hat proudly.  My sweet Dad had made my hat and I was proud of him, his love and effort for me.  

I wore the hat perfectly; It didn’t slip to one side and it didn’t fall off.  Dad’s hat won a special place in my heart.  Maybe others laughed and mocked but they did not know that my hat symbolized my Dad’s love for me.  What better way to remember Easter and all it stood for.  A gift from my father.

Change Me? No Way!

So last time I wrote, I raised the question whether it was my own culture that led me to have very high expectations of people and their behaviours.  I wondered if the world had changed from when we were brought up, or had the culture set us up for failure?

Posing this question to my therapist, she said that if the principles and values didn’t work in reality, then yes, the culture is setting you up for failure.  (She’s so good, she doesn’t criticize my crazy thinking!) However, she said it is more likely that your high values of loyalty and duty are the first things to signal a manipulator, who will then home in on you and exploit those values.  All strengths have their flip side.  So a sense of duty and loyalty can be a strength.  When a manipulator, a bully, or an abuser sees that in you, they will then manipulate you, so that it becomes a weakness.  Something for me to get my head around.

When I have read self-help books or talked to people about emotional abuse, or bullying, they have all said ‘You have to change.’  I have sometimes felt very resentful about that.  Why should I have to change?  Why should someone else’s behaviour mean that I have to change who I am?  Recently I read something in a book called ‘Boundaries’ by Cloud and Townsend that helped the lights go on.

“You cannot change anything else: not the weather, the past, the economy - and especially not other people.  You cannot change others.  More people suffer from trying to change others than from any other sickness.  And it is impossible.  What you can do is influence others.  But there is a trick;  Since you cannot get them to change, you must change yourself .....”

Oh no, here we go again, I thought, I’m being told I have to change myself.

“Since you cannot get them to change, you must change yourself, so that their destructive patterns no longer work on you.  Change your way of dealing with them; they may be motivated to change if their old ways no longer work.”

So basically, what I learned that to do, is to change how I respond to them, so that their destructive behaviours no longer work on me!  This validated my thoughts that the abusers’ behaviours were destructive.  What I have to change, is my reaction to their behaviours.  So this was most useful to me, as it actually defined a little more clearly what kind of changes I needed to make.

I have one or two things that I have been working on in relation to this, but I’m sure I will discover many more on my journey.  One of the things that I am trying to change is, how I view people in the working environment.  I have a deeply ingrained sense of hierarchy and how I should behave to someone who holds a position.  I tend to be very deferential to those in authority.  My therapist suggested that I look at this differently - not to encourage disrespect or rudeness - but so that I can create a different paradigm to work within.  Using the example of my boss or my trainer, she said that ‘they are no different from me - they are not better than me - they just have different responsibilities than I do at work.’ The other thing is, I have given myself permission to call them (or rather their behaviour) ‘jerks’ in my thought processes, when their behaviour towards me is demeaning; when they talk over me, when I’m asking a question or explaining a situation that they need to know about due their position; and when they withhold information from me.  I think the word ‘jerk’ might be one of the Americanisms that I have picked up.  I’m sure my dad would use the word ‘idiot’!  

I don’t usually like to think unkindly of people, but using the word ‘jerk’ is helping me obtain a better reality of the situation.  (I so hope it doesn’t just pop out of my mouth when I’m speaking to them! That would be an interesting dilemma, that I don’t want to have to deal with).  It is also helping me not to absorb their destructive behaviours as my fault.  

The other thing that I need to work on, is my communication.  The rules that I have to practice have the acronym of HARD.

                Honest
                Appropriate
                Respectful
                Direct

                Communication is HARD.

I don’t have a problem with ‘Appropriate’ and ‘Respectful’.  I do have a problem with ‘Honest’ and ‘Direct’.  ‘Honest’ is hard for me more in the realm of omission.  It is hard for me to be confrontational and to say exactly how I feel.  Unfortunately this weakness leads me to be passive aggressive - meaning that I won’t tell the person that I’m upset with them, but I would tell my husband or a close friend.  This lets me vent and release my anger but it doesn’t really solve any problems.  When my boss talks over me as I’m explaining something, it is hard for me to say ‘I feel that talking over me is rude’.  I guess this is why ‘Direct’ is also hard for me.  Ha ha -I am thinking that not only is it difficult for me to actually say this to her, I also think that she would still be talking over me when I said it, so I don’t have a window to say it anyway.  Then there is the fear of being rejected or have some other verbal abuse come back from saying it - at which point I would probably hang up on her and lose my job.

Why not forget the job?  This is a very good question.  I will leave my answer for another day ....

A would like to thank Penelope Wren for her guest blog contribution, entitled 'A Very Clear Choice,' published in 'Spanish Views' today. Penelope's recollections on school life in Fareham, where we both grew up, has brought a lot of memories flooding back, as I recall my own school days, spent in the relative tranquility of this small suburban town on the south coast of England. Though not in the same year, we both attended Fareham Park Comprehensive at a time of great change. Penelope was lucky enough to be part of the first intake of pupils, I wasn't far behind.  Both of us have very different lives to the ones we had, growing up in Hill Park. The connection we have is born from the words we write about our shared experiences.

I believe it is important to keep memories alive. I am at an age, where my past is important to me. I really do look back at my school days with fondness now, despite the challenges I faced at the time. My life now is immeasurably different compared to forty plus years ago and I do find writing about my experiences rather therapeutic and life enhancing.

Penelope has also highlighted workplace bullying in her introduction, something I am very familiar with. It is sad that so many people have to suffer the indignity that harassment and abuse brings. Penelope is lucky enough to have a supportive family, as I have an understanding partner; without a solid network both our circumstances could be very different.

Thank you once again for your fantastic entry today Penelope; I hope my readers enjoy your entry, as much as I have. I look forward to hearing from you again, with more memories to share!

"I entered my sons birthday cake in this competition & made the f...inals!
It’s now down to public votes to win the baking weekend in London! 👨🏻‍🍳
I’m asking people to please take 20 seconds to vote for me🙏🏼
You simply click on the link provided & press on the heart❤️ on my Alice in wonderland cake & that is all.
It closes on 20th so every vote counts!
Please help me!"
Thank you

Rich Leach

Employers have been finding out more about people through social background checks than traditional background checks. This is mainly because of pictures and videos that are posted every day. People post drinking at clubs, hanging out with criminals, and many other similar situations. This gives the employer a better understanding of who they are hiring. This also allows the employer to ask more questions on a second or third interview about the daily life of the potential employee.

The best thing about a social check is that only 3% of people know this type of background check exists. People posts freely on a daily basis without expecting anyone to spy on their social media accounts. Employers do not have to worry about being sued for invasion of privacy because the law gives employers the right to conduct this type of background check.

In a recent survey, it was discovered that at least five thousand employers have benefited off of this type of background check. These same employers have employees today who are reliable, have no secrets that will haunt the company, and have intentions of staying with the company for a long time.

In a similar survey, it was discovered that many employees were able to catch thieves in the act because they posted their offenses on a social media site. These employers stated that they could not believe employees would publicly post how proud they were to steal from their job. However, these employees are out of a job today, and some of them now have a criminal record.

A great place to start a social background check would be at FAMA. This is an online organization that specializes in social media background checks. Employers who hire FAMA are given a personal investigator. The employer and the investigator work closely together, and all the information they share with each other is kept totally confidential.

FAMA specialists use the best spy software on the planet. Additionally, FAMA will leave no digital footprint that would link back to the employer. FAMA has been in business for only a few years. However, they have helped millions of employers find the best employees.
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The employer application on the FAMA website is easy to fill out, there are no application fees, and an investigator will be assigned to the employer within 5 business days. FAMA also has a great rating with the BBB.