This week has been seven days of hell where my health is concerned, so much so, I am thinking of taking matters into my own hands. I have so many conditions to contend with at the moment, that I literally don't know what ailment is causing which pain. It has become very hard functioning on a daily basis, without experiencing some sort of discomfort. I don't know how many times I have mentioned it to my GP, only to be fobbed off with a generalised answer, that is designed to make me feel better... WELL, I DON'T FEEL GOOD, I DON'T FEEL GOOD AT ALL!

After a series of Xrays on my back and hips, I had an appointment with Rheumatology this week, to discuss the results. As usual, I was expecting the worst and had mixed feelings about hearing from the consultant. As it happens, there was good and bad news, and it certainly wasn't as terrible as I thought it would be.

Luckily, I have been told that I don't have rheumatoid arthritis, which would have been the worst outcome of all. The signs were there, but the blood tests and xrays came back negative. The bad news was really as I expected. I have substantial damage to the discs and joints in my lower back, which have been causing me a lot of pain. The Doctor explained that ultimately I may have to have an operation, but as long as I can live with the aching, she recommended I do nothing yet. Also, I would be referred back to physiotherapy, which could now be more tailored to my own personal needs. As per usual, she suggested I lose weight, which is easier said than done. Despite all the walking I do on a daily basis, the pounds just seem to pile on.

Speaking to her about  my difficulty with weight loss and other chronic symptoms I have been experiencing, she hinted there may be a problem with my thyroid. A chat with my GP and more tests and referrals, could help me discover why I am feeling the way I am.  I'm sure my GP must think I am a hypochondriac at times, but after three years, she is used to my ongoing complaints. To be honest, looking at my constant push for answers, I have discovered many ailments, I never knew I had. You do have to be as vocal as you can, especially during a pandemic, because surgeries across the country are not working as they should and many people are being left in pain, like me. It is important for me to find out what is going on, so I can finally move on with my life.

On Thursday, whilst talking to Darrell on the phone, I was interrupted by a phone call from QA Hospital, from the surgical unit of the upper GI department. They had a date for my cholecystectomy operation to remove my gallbladder, finally, after a year and three months of waiting. I was informed the date would be 17 July and I would need to make arrangements to attend on that day. I am also required to self-isolate for three days prior to the operation and take a PCR COVID-19 test a few days before. Despite the logistical nightmare, of having a procedure during a pandemic, I was just relieved I would finally have my gallbladder removed and could hopefully start living a normal life again. Only time will tell whether this will be enough to stop the pain I experience on a daily basis, or if I will have to undergo more treatment in the future.

Today, whilst at work, I was contacted by QA Hospital once again to change the appointment date to the following week, due to no radiologist being available on that day. On the same weekend my Aunt is throwing her first party for close family and friends, I will be confined to a room upstairs. This is rather annoying if I am honest, but I am so desperate to have this operation, I will just have to do what is necessary. This is the only date available, and I just can't pick and chose right now.

On top of the conditions I suffer with, Diverticular Disease, GERD, a large Hiatal Hernia, gallbladder disease and narrowing of the spine, I also have IBS symptoms on a daily basis. As you would expect, my IBS is out of control at the moment. I always refer to IBS as 'my IBS' because all of us who suffer with it, have our own unique symptoms. This is an individual disease, that affects each of us differently. My symptoms are ongoing, every day, but thankfully some days are better than others.

Since my first severe symptoms more than three years ago, with careful planning, eating a relatively low FODMAP diet and medication, I have managed to control the worst aspects of IBS. I do, however, suffer more frequently now than I used to, just in a milder form. I have been told that the chronic conditions I experience, are at least in part responsible for the abdominal pain I have, but I just can't be sure by how much. IBS controls your whole life, sucks the lifeblood out of you and consumes every waking hour. Stomach, back, hip and pelvic pain is common, as well as a change in bowel habits, nausea, dizziness and depression. I am frequently reminded how I will have to live with this for the rest of my life, and I am constantly searching for solutions to help me cope with the anxiety and distress this causes.

I am hoping that after my operation, my IBS symptoms will subside, but I am told that may not happen, and there is a chance I could be left in a worse state than I am now. Having a cholecystectomy is no guarantee of normality, in fact it may well just be the beginning of a journey to repair the damage done to my body over many years. I have learned to live well again, eating healthy, no longer smoking or drinking and working hard to survive. I have rebuilt my life and become a much better person, but the years of neglect have taken their toll and I will most probably live with persistent pain for the rest of my days. Managing the challenging aspects of illness, and mitigating the worst characteristics of these complaints, should help me regain some form of control. As a wise man once told me, 'Don't let it control you, control it!' Removing the constraints I have lived under for so long, is my overriding priority now, beating back the spectre of illness and overcoming my concerns, offers a path of hope through a sea of pain!

It's been a mixed week, full of ups and downs, but I have at least managed to grab some valuable family time, whilst having a few days off work.

Monday was a difficult day; I received a message from the daughter of my dear friend Mrs F, who told me she had passed away in a hospice, after a short battle with cancer. She explained, she would have told me sooner, but hadn't been able to contact me. This sweet lady died on the 1 June and her funeral took place this Wednesday. With COVID-19 restrictions still in place, I wasn't able to attend the service at Portchester Crematorium, but she sent me a link to view the ceremony online, where I could say my goodbyes and pay my respects.

Before her death, I had started to write some letters to Mrs F's family on her behalf, sitting down with her, taking notes and bringing together her memories of better times. Regrettably we had only managed to write a few pages, before she was admitted to a hospice, so I duly passed on her words to her family. Her death was so sudden, that I couldn't even speak to her on the phone. After being given three months to live, she barely had three weeks. One minute she was there, chatting on the telephone, the next she had passed away. Thankfully, she didn't suffer, and died peacefully in her sleep, the way she would have liked it.

Her funeral service was rather short, but emphasised just how religious she was. A Priest spoke eloquently about her life and, interestingly, the difficulties she had experienced. It was refreshing to learn about the more demanding episodes and not the usual sugar coated monologues I have witnessed in the  past. Her family's sadness was clear to see;  these were people who hadn't been able to say their farewells, in the way they would have liked and clearly had a lot to say. I was honoured to feel a part of her final journey, and although I hadn't known her for long, I was appreciative of the friendship we had and the times we spent together.

Having a week off work, has meant spending more time with family, which as been wonderful. Today I am surrounded by Cousins at every turn, in complete contrast to my life before. My little God Son, Eli, is growing up fast and his personality is starting to shine through. Different to his Brother Cain, they have both become closer during the year and a half pandemic.

I adore having all my family around me, they are the reason Darrell and I will probably stay in Portsmouth long term. We are considering various options at the moment, but it seems sensible to stay where we know best. I never again want to miss out on the lives of those closest, the milestones and events that make us who we are. In the past, I would have walked away at any given opportunity and wouldn't have even needed an excuse to up sticks and leave. I realise just how much I have lost by my previous lifestyle choices, and I will not be making the same mistakes again.

On the final day of my holiday, I went with my Cousin's Rachel and Emmy and the kids to the Blue Reef Aquarium in Portsmouth. This isn't a place I have been to before and at a cost of £12.50 each, I was expecting an amazing experience. However, it wasn't as great as I would have liked, although it was wonderful to see the kids faces light up in such an environment.

Yes it was an expensive day, especially for a large family, but when one considers the ongoing pandemic and closure of such facilities, it is clear, all of us have a responsibility to get out and keep these places open. The upkeep of Blue Reef is obviously huge, so I can understand the price charged, but however, would never choose to go again myself.

Despite my annoyance about the price, Blue Reef did offer a perfect family friendly location to spend the day. There was a splash pool and picnic area for the children, with playground rides and water fountains, as well as a gift shop and café next door, both of which were rather overpriced; taking a packed lunch would have saved a lot of time and money. In this cost conscious age, all of us have to think of the pennies. A venue like this will only survive for as long as people go and lend their support. If they feel they aren't getting value for money, Blue Reef will close, like many other such places up and down the country.

For me, it was about spending time with family and that made Thursday special, especially on a dull rainy morning. Portsmouth does have a lot to offer in the way of days out and tourist attractions, far more than Southampton, where I used to live. Nevertheless, I do find myself missing the long sunny days in Spain and the more relaxed way of life, something you just don't get in Britain. Only time will tell where we end up staying, ideally having a base here and in Spain would be the best of both Worlds, but it will all depend on where we go when Darrell gets home!

Darrell, like me, is beginning to feel the fatigue; living apart does create problems and is more tiring than one would imagine. Our way of life is getting both of us down, especially at the moment. We have both reached a point of exhaustion with the situation we are in; every day is literally a rollercoaster ride.

Looking at the internet, more specifically social media, you are constantly inundated with stories from Australia - most recently the news that the Australian government are relaxing laws, allowing people with two jabs, the ability to travel. Then in another article, suggesting they won't be opening borders until March 2022. You are literally bombarded with so much contradictory information, that you just don't know what's real and what's not. The whole process wears you down, makes you feel on edge, and creates anxiety and stress you could do without.

The tiredness we feel, is frustration at not being able to do anything to solve the difficulties we are experiencing, and the lack of help and support available to us and others in our position at this time. Both of us are living through a nightmare that never seems to end, and we just long for the day when all of this is over. No concrete plans to be reunited for now, just a desire to return to normal and a hope the pandemic runs its course.

It's been a while since I last talked about bullying and sociopathy, but after recent events, I thought I would once again write about a subject, that started me blogging six years ago. It is a difficult topic to discuss, especially after suffering myself, but writing about my experiences was particularly cathartic and helped my heal from a relentless period in my life.

I often hear from people who are dealing with the aftermath of intimidation and have come across my blog, whilst searching 'google' for help. I am by no means an expert on how to handle, often harrowing circumstances, but I am able to use my ordeal to help those who need it. This week I heard from someone who had split from her husband after a ten-year marriage, where she felt trapped and unable to turn to anyone for help.

I was abused over many years by someone who I used to regard as close. A work colleague and superior, who was instrumental in the decisions I made at work and at home, had decided to infiltrate my life, in such a way, that I was unaware it was even happening, until it was too late. I only ever realised what was going on, after talking to a professional, who immediately suggested steps to remove myself from a situation that was destroying me, little by little, day by day.

Of course my experience wasn't atypical, in fact the trauma I suffered six years ago was highly unusual. However, it taught me many lessons about people and human nature at its worst. When you hear from others also suffering, it does trigger memories that you think you have forgotten; really they have just been put to one side, until they resurface and transport you back to times you would rather forget. As a blogger and writer, I feel it is part of my remit to discuss matters that have caused me pain; it helps to understand the process that was underway and confirm my suspicions.

The lady who messaged me this week, is still in the middle of a deeply painful period, often feeling hopeless in the face of a bully, who she thought loved her. Nevertheless, there is light at the end of darkness, there is a way out of her distress, even if she can't see it now. When you are alone, you often question your own feelings. I remember when I was in the midst of my own affray, there were days when I felt confused, unable to see what was actually happening and questioned my own judgement. I was always someone who was proud of my intuition and ability to see through deception, but after a long period of abuse, I no longer believed in myself; I had no self-worth or confidence, just muddle and bewilderment.

Being bullied does change you as a person, I got the impression this young lady had aged beyond her years. She thought she was the problem and had to change; maybe, just maybe, she was at fault and imagining everything that was going on. A bully understands exactly what they are doing; they break your will and make you feel like you are the obstacle, which isn't the case. The first step is admitting to yourself, there is an issue, after that you can deal with each point, one step at a time. Try looking at the individual elements that encompass the abuse you are suffering, keep a diary  and note specific events that make you question yourself. It is only when you look back, that you will see the destructive behaviour at play.

When you are a victim of bullying, you frequently can't see fact from fiction. Often alone and separated from loved ones, you find yourself having to deal with thoughts and feelings that are hard to comprehend. I turned to an advice service when I was at my lowest, who turned my life around. They were able to reassure me that what I thought was happening, actually was. Significantly, they explained the importance of removing toxic people from my life, which I was able to do. This wasn't easy, it meant changing completely, but with perseverance, time and the help of good friends, I have become stronger, wiser and able to give advice to others who are suffering right now. Tearing up everything you have ever known and taking a leap of faith is a big step, but starting over again and getting back the self-respect you lost is the most important freeing process you'll ever do.... Life will get better, life will return to normal, and you will be able to live again!

The last week has been an expensive one, for me at least. Today, I spend very little, preferring to save for my precarious future, rather than waste money on going out and buying rubbish I don't actually need. This past couple of years has taught me much about survival, and I am no longer the person I once was. I am most certainly more careful with my finances, so much so, some people would call me damn right tight, but after the times I have lived through, I have no option but to build a new life for me and Darrell when he returns from Australia.

Anyone who knows me well enough, understands just how bad I was with money in the past. Always living for the moment, I spent money quicker than I could earn it, never having anything for a rainy day. I have very little to show for it, but I have lived a life most people could only dream of. I have travelled the World, lived abroad and enjoyed myself to the full. My party lifestyle extending from my teens, throughout my young adulthood and well into my forties. To think, I was still clubbing for days on end at 45 years old. You have to understand, I have had very little responsibility in life, no kids to look after and a career path that never stayed in the same place for too long. I was able to do what I wanted, when I wanted, despite the consequences.

I was, in fact still am, a person with a highly addictive personality. Shopping was my major downfall, whether buying from shopping channels on TV, especially QVC, or buying houses (three in a year, ) I would always do it to excess. Package after package would arrive at the front door, brochures for holidays, details for property in France or a 'buy to let' up north; you name it, I would buy it, usually with little or no research. When I decided to open a share dealing account, investing thousands of pounds in various companies, with little knowledge of their business plans, it was a recipe for disaster. As easy as it was to invest, it was easier to lose it all, which I did in spectacular form. Within four years I went from having the World,  to owning nothing, zilch, not a dime.

Today, I regard spending a few hundred pounds as extravagant and over the top, so replacing a mattress and television, as I have had to this week, has made me shudder. It takes me back to bad times and a chapter in my life that left me penniless. Even though I am aware I will not go down that path again, I still feel that pain. Anything I did to the extreme, does affect me negatively today. I have enjoyed my life and have some fantastic memories, but all of them are tinged with sadness. When we experience highs in life, lows will inevitably follow. I suppose living through this pandemic, is in many respects the penance I have to pay for the mistakes of the past. The frugal life I lead now, is a lesson for the future and should help me stay grounded for as long as it takes to start over again.

In the grand scheme of things, the money I spent this week means very little. I have built up a substantial nest egg, but I just can't forget the history of who I am. I am scared I will head back to the dark days of spending without limits, and that isn't where I want to go again. My relationship with money is fraught with problems, but I have no choice but to learn from my mistakes and adopt a new mindset.

This process of renewal began when I lived in Spain, subsistence living at its finest, and I continue very much in the same vein today. Spain was a great healer for me, that brought me back to a way of life, I last experienced living with my Mother and Father in the 1970s. As a child, I had no money, my family working hard for everything they had. There was no credit, no debt and no help from others. The only thing that mattered then, was keeping a roof over ones head, just as it does today. I don't need or want luxuries any more, I just want to survive, be around family and NOT, I repeat NOT, make the same mistakes of the past.

This old man is still learning; I am doing what I should have done years ago. It's the little things that make me happy, it's the money saving, cautious, prudent and thrifty me that should have been centre stage. This week I was able to find an NHS dentist, after not being able to afford to go to one in over a decade. Instead of spending six or seven hundred pounds, I paid a mere fraction of that, in order to get my teeth back in good shape. Despite the reasonable price, I still remained reluctant to part with my hard-earned cash, that's how far I have come.

The passing years have been a challenge in every respect. I have changed out of all proportion, something I hope to continue to do. You won't find me repeating the mistakes of the past, because I can't afford to. The journey I have been on, even since I started blogging in 2015, has been arduous, and I continue to fight for the life I should have had. The pennies I save today will open doors to my future tomorrow and help Darrell and I finally settle down together. Our success lies in our love for each other, the memories we share and our tried and tested relationship. We won't ever be rich and enjoy the lifestyle of our peers, but we will remain happy together, ducking, diving, working hard and surviving. Pushing forwards with positivity, we will always be  mindful of failure and tripping at the final hurdle.

I have had the busiest of weeks, working nearly fourteen days without a break. The Newcome is back open now and with extra shifts at work, I have a full schedule. At the moment I have had to limit my blogging to once a week, in order to fit everything in and will be volunteering as and when I can, when time allows. I don't normally function well under such circumstances, preferring a more relaxed attitude to work, but with little else to do, as we move out of lockdown, I am happy doing what I can to earn some extra money.

I have built up a substantial nest egg since the beginning of the pandemic; with holiday's and travel off the cards, I have been able to save in a way I haven't in the past. Usually I would be preparing to travel to Asia at this time of year, to meet Darrell, but with all flights to the far east grounded for the foreseeable future and Darrell unable to leave Perth, I have been concentrating my efforts on building a fund for our future.

Luckily I have learnt a lot since my hedonistic days, spending money quicker than I earned it, enjoying life far too much and having little or no cash to live on. Today I have been able to do something I have never done before, saving for the future when Darrell moves back home. Equally, Darrell has been saving money in Australia and by the time we both come together once again, we hope to have enough to purchase a property together. Of course the way the World is, nothing is for certain, but at least we will have options available to us, unlike the past, when we were very much at the mercy of circumstances, usually beyond our control!

During those rare moments, when I do have the time, I have been thinking about the 'what lies ahead' quite a lot. At the moment, the pandemic really does cloud judgement and offers little positivity, but this awful time will finally come to an end and all of us will get back to a new kind of normal. That will be an opportunity to live our life as we would have always wanted, not how others would expect.

Obviously, we have been discussing the direction we travel in for quite some time. It has helped tremendously to have dreams and aspirations during a time of crisis, and both of us look forward to a period when we can finally put those ambitions into practice and focus on the final leg of our journey together. Many people have asked us if we intend to return to Spain and pick up from where we left off. Both of us have considered this as a viable option, but it looks increasingly likely, this won't happen. When this pandemic finally comes to an end, it doesn't look likely there will be many opportunities left, for two older males looking for adventure. This was a dream that died in 2018, and it is probably best left there, during the period before Brexit and the virus that ravaged the World.

Family has become the linchpin of my life in recent years, in a way it wasn't before, and it appears like we will remain as close to loved ones as we can. My Father isn't getting any younger and I want to be able to spend as much time with him and of course my extended family as I can. Darrell, equally wants the same, as well as remaining in Europe, where he can be close to his Croatian family, maybe spending longer periods with them at convenient times of the year. I have missed travelling to Split and seeing Cousins Marin and Vlatka every year as we used to, and feel we need to reenergise that important relationship and rekindle family bonds, so important now, more than ever.

Living with my Aunt has been a God send and has allowed me to finally get on in life.  She has said, both Darrell and I can live here for as long as we want. To be honest I am more happy living here, than I have been living anywhere in the UK, so this will probably remain our British home of choice. I have grown used to living in Portsmouth now and enjoy having the large family around me. However, we still need to put down roots somewhere and continue to look for a home, either in the UK or further afield. I am toying with the idea of buying a small place in Scotland, Wales or on the borders, as well as looking for cheaper alternatives in Portsmouth. Property is very expensive here, but there are static and mobile home options along the coast, near the sea, where Darrell and I, or my Cousins and the kids, can get away for a holiday. This is the first time we have options, and the first time we are thinking sensibly, so for now both of us will just continue to work and save for the future.

Staying close to home makes more sense, especially as I get older. I do have many health issues to contend with, unsurprisingly, so access to the National Health Service is a must. Currently, I am waiting for two operations and four different procedures; I could be called at anytime and don't want to be too far from the UK. It looks likely my health will always be a source of concern, so limited or only private access to a European health system really isn't an option.

Every day I read of expats relocating back home, because they have lost many of their rights after Brexit, so it would seem foolish to do the opposite ourselves. The NHS does have many problems, but it is a system I understand well and costs me nothing to be a member. My working rights exist here in Britain; I no longer have the option of working in the EU. So it looks like it's time to settle down in the place I know the best and forget the dream of a European life. We both enjoyed our time in Spain immensely, but it no longer makes sense long term. Our closeness to the EU will always be there; through family and historic links, we will always journey to the continent on a regular basis. Nonetheless, our life together will be firmly tied to Britain and both of us intend to make the most of that adventure together.

The last time I discussed the future was in December 2020. Back then I still had a yearning for returning to Spain and in many respects I still do. I have come to realise over the last six months, however, that dreams don't necessarily make for practical solutions. Expats are returning from all over Europe because we voted to leave the EU and there are perfectly reasonable reasons why. The 90-day rule, means that unless you are a resident, you will have to leave the EU/Schengen area every three months. This would be totally impractical for Darrell and I, impacting our life and derailing our plans. Unable to earn the required salary in Spain, leaving us on a limited income, we would be much better off living in the UK and all the security and benefits that affords. Yes this is a blow, but it also offers a glimmer of hope to look else where, possibly Asia, where we both love equally; a natural home, where we could finally be happy together.

For now, we remain content to live in the UK, spending time with family and planning for the decade ahead; staying grounded for now, changing course when feasible and keeping dreams alive consistently, life is always evolving. We intend to adapt with the changing tide, always looking for new horizons; nothing is for certain in our unconventional life, just the rollercoaster we continue to ride, the difficulties we were born to overcome and the expectations we subsist to pursue.