Expensive Week!

The last week has been an expensive one, for me at least. Today, I spend very little, preferring to save for my precarious future, rather than waste money on going out and buying rubbish I don't actually need. This past couple of years has taught me much about survival, and I am no longer the person I once was. I am most certainly more careful with my finances, so much so, some people would call me damn right tight, but after the times I have lived through, I have no option but to build a new life for me and Darrell when he returns from Australia.

Anyone who knows me well enough, understands just how bad I was with money in the past. Always living for the moment, I spent money quicker than I could earn it, never having anything for a rainy day. I have very little to show for it, but I have lived a life most people could only dream of. I have travelled the World, lived abroad and enjoyed myself to the full. My party lifestyle extending from my teens, throughout my young adulthood and well into my forties. To think, I was still clubbing for days on end at 45 years old. You have to understand, I have had very little responsibility in life, no kids to look after and a career path that never stayed in the same place for too long. I was able to do what I wanted, when I wanted, despite the consequences.

I was, in fact still am, a person with a highly addictive personality. Shopping was my major downfall, whether buying from shopping channels on TV, especially QVC, or buying houses (three in a year, ) I would always do it to excess. Package after package would arrive at the front door, brochures for holidays, details for property in France or a 'buy to let' up north; you name it, I would buy it, usually with little or no research. When I decided to open a share dealing account, investing thousands of pounds in various companies, with little knowledge of their business plans, it was a recipe for disaster. As easy as it was to invest, it was easier to lose it all, which I did in spectacular form. Within four years I went from having the World,  to owning nothing, zilch, not a dime.

Today, I regard spending a few hundred pounds as extravagant and over the top, so replacing a mattress and television, as I have had to this week, has made me shudder. It takes me back to bad times and a chapter in my life that left me penniless. Even though I am aware I will not go down that path again, I still feel that pain. Anything I did to the extreme, does affect me negatively today. I have enjoyed my life and have some fantastic memories, but all of them are tinged with sadness. When we experience highs in life, lows will inevitably follow. I suppose living through this pandemic, is in many respects the penance I have to pay for the mistakes of the past. The frugal life I lead now, is a lesson for the future and should help me stay grounded for as long as it takes to start over again.

In the grand scheme of things, the money I spent this week means very little. I have built up a substantial nest egg, but I just can't forget the history of who I am. I am scared I will head back to the dark days of spending without limits, and that isn't where I want to go again. My relationship with money is fraught with problems, but I have no choice but to learn from my mistakes and adopt a new mindset.

This process of renewal began when I lived in Spain, subsistence living at its finest, and I continue very much in the same vein today. Spain was a great healer for me, that brought me back to a way of life, I last experienced living with my Mother and Father in the 1970s. As a child, I had no money, my family working hard for everything they had. There was no credit, no debt and no help from others. The only thing that mattered then, was keeping a roof over ones head, just as it does today. I don't need or want luxuries any more, I just want to survive, be around family and NOT, I repeat NOT, make the same mistakes of the past.

This old man is still learning; I am doing what I should have done years ago. It's the little things that make me happy, it's the money saving, cautious, prudent and thrifty me that should have been centre stage. This week I was able to find an NHS dentist, after not being able to afford to go to one in over a decade. Instead of spending six or seven hundred pounds, I paid a mere fraction of that, in order to get my teeth back in good shape. Despite the reasonable price, I still remained reluctant to part with my hard-earned cash, that's how far I have come.

The passing years have been a challenge in every respect. I have changed out of all proportion, something I hope to continue to do. You won't find me repeating the mistakes of the past, because I can't afford to. The journey I have been on, even since I started blogging in 2015, has been arduous, and I continue to fight for the life I should have had. The pennies I save today will open doors to my future tomorrow and help Darrell and I finally settle down together. Our success lies in our love for each other, the memories we share and our tried and tested relationship. We won't ever be rich and enjoy the lifestyle of our peers, but we will remain happy together, ducking, diving, working hard and surviving. Pushing forwards with positivity, we will always be  mindful of failure and tripping at the final hurdle.

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