Darrell and I have started to plan for the future, as we bid farewell to 2020. Both of us, like all of you, have had the year from hell; there has never been a better time to look forward to what comes next. I can't tell you how grateful I am, to see this year confined to the history books. This has been a time of great anxiety and stress for all of us, but especially for Darrell and I, living apart as we do, because of the circumstances that surround our life. However, this isn't a time to dwell on the past, this is most certainly a period to look forward to the future, more now, than ever before.

Both of us have a desire to reside in Europe in the long term, and that doesn't necessarily mean living in Britain. Darrell and I have remained in the UK for most of our 25 years together and when we moved to Spain in 2015, we both understood the importance of change. Our new life was supposed to be 'forever,' a choice that would allow us to finally live our dream. That desire is still there, it hasn't changed, and we still want to retain that sense of 'who we are,' - travellers, explorers and pioneers.

Looking back at my time in Gran Alacant, near Alicante, I am reminded of the mistakes we made, but encouraged by our inclination to fit into Spanish and Expat life. We eventually achieved all our goals, obtained residency and finally adjusted to our new surroundings. Just before we left, I can safely say we were happy with the path we had forged and were genuinely feeling positive, about the direction we were following. Today in 2020, I look back with fondness at the memories we made and although we had many ups and downs, for the most part, we did far better than we could have ever imagined. We began to live life again, in a way we hadn't before.

When the World returns to normal and Darrell I can be together again, I could quite happily return to Gran Alacant, that neatly packaged urbanization on the Costa Blanca. It is a place I know well, wrote about in the local magazine and has everything we need for a prosperous, relaxing future, but would that be just too easy? I am not a person who tends to return to places I have lived before; I like to journey onwards to a new, untested future; consequently, we have been looking at property further afield.

Living in Britain, I have been able to save a substantial nest egg, as has Darrell in Australia and today, we are lucky enough to be able to afford a property outright; nothing fancy, just a small villa, with enough space for us and family to visit. We would be rent and mortgage free and able to live either part or all of the year, in a country we both love. I would dearly like to remain on the South coast of Britain, working and being close to family, but also having a home abroad, more tailored to our way of thinking. In tune with our intention, to eventually relocate lock stock and barrel, to our European home, we would once again restart our life far away from these shores.

Property prices are more than reasonable in Spain, even more so in Murcia, where we have also been looking. I recently stumbled across a villa in Calle Aljibe Mazarron, a short drive from the beach, which would perfectly suit our needs. The price tag is well within our means and with only cosmetic work to do, both of us have discussed buying the Casa, site unseen. Of course this is a risk, but it is something we have done before, when we bought a house in Le Lande St Simeon, in France in 2001. It is certainly an option to consider, especially now, during a pandemic.

Darrell and I are taken with the property, and we are seriously considering the alternatives. This is of course, just one house we have seen and with an economic crash once again on the cards in Spain, it is clear there will be many more such bargains to buy. We do have to be realistic about where we can afford to live and careful not to go above our limit. I have never been great at budgeting or dealing with accounts, so I am more than happy to leave that side of our ventures, for Darrell to organise. Importantly, I am ecstatic to be feeling motivated and positive once again. Luckily I am a little more pragmatic these days and don't have high expectations or exorbitant, unobtainable aspirations; my mojo is back, and I am inspired to move forwards, even if I don't always show it!

Spain remains the destination of choice. We both have our residency cards and know the country, culture and customs well. Spain offers us the easy way to achieve our objectives, but there are of course many other options. I would be equally happy living near Darrell's family in Hrvatska, Croatia, moving closer to Australia, maybe living in Asia for a while or possibly another European nation - Italy or even Portugal being top of my list. Wherever we choose to eventually settle, at least for part of each year, you can be sure it won't be conventional. A casa in Valencia, cave house in Andalusia or camper van in Croatia, these are the possibilities to explore, the prospects for the future and scenarios for consideration. Our life will never be prevailing and mainstream and that's just how we like it; spontaneous, challenging and distinctly inconsistent!

The Government has just announced what tiers regions will go into when the national lockdown ends on December 2nd. There was no surprise to hear that Portsmouth is going into Tier 2. This is a blow for The Newcome Arms, the local pub where I work, which will have to remain closed, probably until the spring; I'm sure all of us who work there are gutted and hope things will change soon. However, Portsmouth became an example of how not to act, in the final weeks before the lockdown, as people congregated in large groups, ignoring rules and only thought of themselves. As a city we had done so well to keep the virus levels low; a combination of frustration and fatigue has quite simply pushed us into tier two, for however long that remains!

Britain has been living under some level of restriction for quite sometime now and if I am honest, moving into tier 2 will have very little impact on my life. It does nevertheless send a signal that COVID-19 has a long way to run, before we are all out of the woods.

I have never stopped taking precautions, trying to keep safe and protect myself, but there are elements who really just don't care about others. These are the ones who have caused the problems for the rest of society, and they know exactly who they are. I see them every day, not wearing masks, unable to socially distance and disrespecting those of us who have played by the rules and done what we are told. Personally I am sick and tired of their conspiracy theories, constant whinging and lack of empathy for those who are ill or worse, dying in hospitals up and down the Country, because of people like them.

Unlike the rest of Europe in particular, our Coronavirus restrictions have not been taken seriously by the local population and police and local authorities have had little or no powers to enforce the measures in place. I saw so many people blatantly ignoring the law, yet there was very little any of us could do. Most of us just had to sit back and take the challenging behaviour and that was a terrible indictment on Britain as a nation. If we had all pulled together and worked as one, we could be back to relative normality by now, but we just couldn't. Maybe it is part of the psyche of British people or just a uniquely British trait, but we do have a problem with following the rules and that is particularly concerning at times of real national emergency, like today. All of us are to blame for where we are!

Darrell observed yet another milestone in Australia, celebrating his 48th Birthday. Again we are separated by circumstances, thousands of miles between us and a World in turmoil. As usual Darrell and I had our weekly chat about family, friends and the dreaded Coronavirus. Our lives really do seem so different at the moment, so much so I forgot to wish him a Happy Birthday, something I have never done. I don't mind telling all of you how guilty I felt and have tried to phone him since.

It is a sad fact that with our lives firmly rooted in different parts of the World, the milestones that make up our life together take a back seat. This isn't through recrimination or disinterest but pure and simply because of forgetfulness. When you don't live with someone any more, you do tend to forget the important things and that upsets me a lot.

Darrell and I always celebrated our Birthdays to the maximum. Year-on-year we would throw lavish fancy dress parties, inviting those closest to enjoy our respective days, but since our life was turned upside down in 2015, we have lost that part of who we are. The outgoing extrovert that hosted parties, was the life and soul, and never forgot an anniversary, has become old, forgetful and apathetic, and I am resentful of that fact. I detest old age and who I have become and long to travel back in time to better days, once again enjoying my life, with some truly wonderful characters.

Of course, I could witter on about me, feeling sorry for myself and bitter towards the World, but that isn't what this entry is about, it is about Darrell and his 48 years. I would like to be celebrating with him, but it just isn't possible. However, I can at least remember the' jamborees of Birthdays past' and the great times we enjoyed. Every year I would put up the Christmas Tree in time for Darrell's Birthday and fill the house with light, laughter and music. Dressing colourfully, we would party to the early hours; a tradition we continued until we left for Spain. A fridge full of beer and fully stocked cocktail cabinet, a table groaning with food and irate neighbours next door. Happy occasions that seem but a distant memory today, sat alone at home in the middle of a pandemic.

Next year will hopefully be different, the pandemic will be but a distant memory, we will have all been vaccinated and everything will be back to normal, but until then life will be very different. Talking to Darrell today, I was conscious of the memories we were no longer making together, it was a wake-up call, to fight even harder for our right to exist together as a couple, something we are well-used to having to do. Nothing is easy in this World, certainly not for us, so we just have to keep on battling, until the good times roll again!

It's been a busy week, I literally haven't stopped working; despite being furloughed from The Newcome, I now find I have far more to do than usual. Working in a supermarket, I am fully aware of just how vivacious it is becoming. We are of course one of the few retail outlets allowed to open, so there is an abnormally high number of customers passing through the doors on a daily basis. That in itself presents its own unique challenges, as all of us try and protect ourselves as best we can. It is a sign of the times, when masks are issued as part of a work uniform and social distancing becomes a part of all our lives. I am a fanatical sanitizer, trying my best to keep my hands cleansed after each and every customer I serve. Mask wearing has also become pretty much standard and keeping one on for the duration of a nine-hour shift, has become easier to bear. If it wasn't for my glasses steaming up, I would be quite happy with the arrangement.

During those rare moments, I do actually get some free time, I have been watching the latest series of 'The Crown,' a drama I have been enjoying on Netflix, chronicling the Queen, her family and the Monarchy, during the course of her reign. The latest chapter documents the late 1970s early 80s, including the rise and fall of Margaret Thatcher; a period I remember well and an unforgettable crossroads in my life. Its delineation of characters, still vivid after so long, seemed to be pretty accurate, based on my own recollections of the period. I was transported back in time to a decade I remember with fondness and trepidation in equal measure.

Escaping from the pandemic has been important. You can quite easily become overwhelmed and consumed with the daily news briefings, soaring death rates and the depressive nature of illness. As someone who suffers from health anxiety it is particularly difficult to block out the seriousness of the situation we are all living through, but I am nevertheless trying to do my best. Unlike the rest of the population, I am still seeing my Doctor, attending surgery and outpatient departments and doing what I can to keep my health in check. As I sat in hospital on Monday, I thought to myself how easy it is to see a consultant these days. I am in and out of an appointment within half an hour, instead of waiting around all day for minor procedures that are now easier to book than they were before.

It is scary to think, that people are avoiding seeing their clinician. Many are too worried to enter a hospital, avoid leaving home or do not want to burden the health service, but it is important all of us do, especially men, who traditionally find it difficult to see a GP in the first place. During this second wave, it has been straightforward gaining access to services and consultations and my levels of anxiety are far lower than they were during the first. I have several more sessions booked and am finally looking forward to getting to the bottom of the numerous ailments and conditions that dominate my life.

I am doing my utmost to carry on as normal, after all I work in a large store and certainly can't hide from the World and pandemic swirling around me. Coming to terms with my own fears was a natural first step in accepting my lot in life at the moment. I do have so much apprehension, unease and concerns about COVID, but I can't let it consume my every waking hour; as long as I keep working hard, do what I can to meditate and relax, keep healthy, and stay ahead of the curve, I hope to survive in relatively good health until vaccination day, probably in the spring of 2021. With the number of infections starting to level off and deaths showing signs of slowing, I hope it won't be too long before life returns to normal. I look forward to a time when the masks come off, the sanitizer is put away, smiling and happiness returns, and all of us embrace one another, fondly,  once again!

Today I had to attend an appointment at Queen Alexandra Hospital in Portsmouth, in relation to several upper gastric issues I have been experiencing, over the last year or so. I have been waiting for this appointment for quite a while, long before the pandemic struck. Although apprehensive about going to the Hospital, I wore a suitable mask and socially distanced as much as I could, turning up just before my consultation time, waiting in an almost empty room for my name to be called. Unlike other experiences of standing in queues at hospitals and GP surgeries, this was relatively painless and went without a hitch.

I was called into room 2 of the Surgical Outpatients Unit within ten minutes, and spoke to a Doctor Walters, who explained she wanted to discuss the possibility of having a gallbladder removal operation. After asking me about my ongoing abdominal symptoms, she gave me a thorough examination, looking at my stomach and commenting on the 'fine appendectomy scar' I had and how wonderful to see such a 'classic example,' explaining they aren't 'like they used to be.' Suitably impressed, she agreed the operation could be carried out, which should relieve much of the pain I have been experiencing.

The heart attack symptoms, that encouraged me to phone an ambulance in May of this year, were caused by the gall bladder, expelling a gallstone through a connecting tube and into the bile duct. This is an occurrence that could happen again and could  cause symptoms of jaundice, sparking a medical emergency. It was important to remove the bladder as soon as possible, to avoid complications. Just removing the stones would not be possible, as they would just grow back within a matter of months. Clarifying it was perfectly possible to lead a normal life without a gallbladder, it seemed more than appropriate to agree to an operation.

Of course, we are in the middle of a pandemic and it could take a while before this operation is carried out. Dr Walters explained that waiting times are a minimum of six months and even then it is dependent on the course the pandemic takes. She told me if things get back to normal relatively quickly, then it could happen earlier. She would also contact me if an appointment becomes available through cancellation and would endeavour to 'get things done,' as quick as possible. This was a great relief to hear; after suffering pain for quite some time now, I can only hope this is the beginning of the end of the constant discomfort.

To all of you, who are scared about attending Hospital right now, I can only say, it is important you do so. Every precaution was taken to ensure all of us who were there were kept as safe as we possibly could be and seen as quickly as possible. Unlike pre COVID days, there was no waiting around for hours, there was an expeditious flow of patients, seen without fuss and agitation. This is the way the National Health Service should work, pandemic or not and is a lesson for the future.

Thankfully I am now on a waiting list, even if it is for six months and hopefully by next summer I will be very much back to my old self. Until then, I hope there is no return of the worst features of this condition and my life can carry on without the need for another trip to A&E!

To be honest, I've not had the best of weeks; these past seven days, the weather has been particularly awful and I've just felt like hibernating. I am an Anglophile through and through and love most things British, but the winter just gets me down. The cold and damp has always played havoc with my joints and I really have been experiencing a lot of rheumatic pain, something I avoided when living in Spain. If there was ever a reason to return to Iberia, this is the main one; if it wasn't for the pandemic, I would be on a plane right now, heading for the sun.

I have been trying to catch up on some reading, a pleasure I just haven't had time for until recently. With a busy life, I just don't seem to be able to sit down and escape into a good book; lockdown II has changed all that. About three months ago I started to read 'Too Much and Never Enough' by Mary Trump. This book is written by Donald Trump's Niece and exposes the President for the narcissistic person he really is; it is an insight into the 'real' man who reached the highest office in The United States. This was the book that really began to open my eyes up, to what Donald Trump is really all about and it is a fascinating read.

In the middle of the week we finally discovered who won the United States election; it was a relief to discover that Joe Biden would be the next President and the World would finally see the back of Donald Trump. The last four years have been traumatic, a disaster for the World; one man has single-handedly destroyed the reputation of a country and personally overseen the deaths of a quarter of a million Americans, in the midst of the biggest crisis to envelope the World in a hundred years.

Both Darrell and I have witnessed the like of Donald Trump before. Working for Oxfam taught us a great many lessons, about the terrible nature of sociopathic and narcissistic personalities. Both of us suffered for years at the hands of people, who only thought about themselves and couldn't care less whether we lived or died. I have written a lot about this subject and even gave evidence to the Oxfam inquiry, against people who had no place in normal society. I had my day, I was finally given a voice and I learnt to never  trust anyone again.

The Trump Presidency has highlighted some truly terrible injustices and has given rise to bigotry, discrimination and legitimised racism and intolerance. I have felt a deep sense of sadness and upset at what civilisation has become; the rise of nationalistic hate and the lies' perpetuated by a man who was unfit to govern. Today I am living in a World I don't recognise and a period in time that has shamed us all. Those who have turned a blind eye to what has transpired, are responsible for the hate, acrimony and contempt, directed towards anyone who is different, to what others perceive as normal. This has not been a great time to be alive; I have wished to return to the old normal so many times; I miss my previous life, my husband and the dreams I had.

The election of a new President should begin  a process of healing, not only for Americans, but for the rest of the World. It is true to say that the Trump era has caused me no end of stress, just because of who he is and what he stands for. I have always been an anxious person, but turning on a television set and watching a man, so animated with rage and anger, provoking the rest of us into reacting negatively, has been a tremendously debilitating and exhausting time; it has caused great damage to the psyche of any balanced, rational and sensible, level-headed person. Like most of us, I need a rest from all this disarray and time to recover from this lamentable chapter in history.

I would like to congratulate the new President of the United States and wish him well in his new brief. Bringing America, indeed the rest of the planet back together again, after four years of hell isn't going to be easy. He has a Herculean task ahead of him, helping to pick up the pieces of a broken planet. The end of Presidents Trump's Presidency should be the beginning of hope and renewal; empowering a nation, where everyone feels included should be the first steps, at the start of a COVID free World. I am confident, that in time, all of us will conquer our demons, regain the empathy we lost and finally lay the 45th President of the United States to rest!