Thursday I was able to spend a few hours with family, a brief respite from the lonely World we are all living in at the moment. I haven't seen my Cousins for a while, due to the Coronavirus situation and don't think it is appropriate to put anyone at risk, by mixing at a time when COVID cases are rising across the country. I am in contact with many people on a daily basis and consequently avoid those closest if I can. Last week I told my Father I wouldn't be able to see him for the time being, because of the spiralling pandemic and not wanting to put him at risk. It is difficult to describe how I feel about this deep down, but frustrated and angry would be an understatement.

I suppose my annoyance is primarily directed towards the Government, as you would expect. They have got so much wrong during this crisis, the list is endless, but safe to say, they have acted appallingly in implementing measures too late and been weak in their half-hearted response. I am still following my own rules, which are harder than the Governments. I firmly believe we should have locked down completely, so we can try and delay the spread of this deadly disease before the winter months kick in. if we don't act now, we will be back in the same situation we were in during the spring and summer, during the first wave of the pandemic and that would be a disaster.

Spending time with friends and family is important for our own well-being; without the physical and emotional support they need, many people are suffering unimaginable loneliness and depression. The pain all of us are experiencing could have been avoided, if only we had followed scientific advice from day 1 and closed this country down. The second wave is giving us an opportunity to finally do the correct thing, but once again we can't get it right, and will spend the next four months watching the number of deaths rise uncontrollably.

This may well be the last time I spend the day with family until the spring. As the new tiered system of alert is rolled out across the nation, it is likely Portsmouth will slip into new restrictions as and when appropriate. The death rate per 100,000 is higher here now than the national average and that is probably due to the return of students and young people ignoring the guidelines. I am sick of doing the right thing, only for others to break the rules. All students should be working remotely from home, they shouldn't have been allowed to return to campuses, spreading the virus to their peers and consequently to the rest of the local population.

Like seventeen million others, I have downloaded the new NHS Track and Trace App. I felt it was part of my civic duty to do so; being brutally honest, I am regretting it. The app itself is easy to use, just leave it alone and it will do its thing, but I am being constantly bombarded by notifications informing me of potential exposure to the virus.

Not only are these messages frightening me half to death, but they are also completely useless. They give me no tangible information to use for my own protection, and I am left feeling irritated and confused about the action I should take. As soon as I click on these reports, to find out more, they disappear and I am left even more bewildered than I was before.

Take today as a perfect example - I had to attend my Doctors surgery for a blood test and as directed I scanned the surgery QR code, alerting the app to my whereabouts. Standing waiting to be seen, I received a 'Possible COVID-19 Exposure notification. Unable to move from my designated spot, I had to wait my turn to be seen, knowing that I am standing near to someone with symptoms. For someone like me, who suffers from anxiety, I don't mind telling you, I was panicking inside; I felt sick to my stomach.

One would have assumed that someone who had reported symptoms, shouldn't have even been in the surgery in the first place, certainly not in close proximity to others, potentially exposing them to the virus. Surely frightening people by sending these alerts in the first place, especially if there is no risk, is insane. There is no clear advice about what to do in these circumstances and for a layman like me, I am left with more questions than answers.

I have received other similar messages from the NHS and have been left rather confused about their nature and how to deal with their impact. This is a new application and it will of course evolve over time, but it is important that the general public are given more information. If you are encouraged to do everything the Government asks of you, then the least they can do is get it right. A notification of potential exposure is useless, if you don't know the circumstances behind it. Walking past someone in the street is a bit different to being stuck in a GP surgery, unable to get away.

I have known many people who have downloaded the NHS application, only to delete it later because of the lack of clarity, disappearing notifications and constant bombardment of data, messages and disinformation. I am more than willing to play my part but for God’s sake contact me when I need to be, not when I don't.

This week Darrell and I became another seven days closer to seeing one another again, whenever that is. Our inability to see one another is taking its toll on both of us and I have been suffering from stress far more than usual. My anxiety levels have been gradually increasing since January this year, when COVID hit the headlines and it is unlikely to get any better soon. If my partner was here with me in the UK, things would be much easier to cope with, but we are where we are.

I am lucky to be in a relationship after twenty-five years; both of us have worked hard to overcome the difficulties we have endured, but there are others less fortunate, spending this period completely alone. Darrell and I are physically separated by 10,000 miles, but we are still very much attached emotionally.

Yesterday I phoned Mrs F, an older lady I befriended during the height of the pandemic, back in March. We are still in contact and I make sure I phone her when I can, to check that she is doing OK. Well our phone call yesterday suggested she wasn't faring too well and I spent longer than usual talking with her, offering advice and making her laugh. When I put the phone down, I realised just how lucky I am. I do have a family around me and a husband who I love, Mrs F is alone in the World and it is so important we look out for those who need it.

This bloody pandemic has been a strain on every one of us, but it has taught me the importance of friendship. As we enter this second wave I am mindful of the difficulties I face and intend to continue doing all I can to protect those closest. When we finally come out the other side, I hope I can look back and say I did the right thing, my conscience is clear and I feel stronger than ever, even if I wasn't always right. Do whatever you can to get through the next few months, things will get choppy for a while, but these days will surely end, as night turns to day!

Christmas is coming and it is going to be yet another milestone that Darrell and I won't be enjoying together. This is actually my favourite time of year, so not spending it with my partner is going to be difficult. I have seriously been thinking about upping sticks and just getting on a plane and going to be with him in Australia - easier said than done I hear you say, but I am finding life particularly taxing at the moment; I am not enjoying it one bit!

'Compared to other people, I really don't have a lot to complain about!' This is all I am told, encouraged to 'knock myself out of it,' whatever 'it' is and get on with life. However, these are the people who really have no concept of what I am going through and the torment I feel every day. These are the people with perfect lives, wife, 2.4 children and an 'easy ride;' these are the people who have no idea what it is like to struggle, fight, battle and strive, and I am sick of hearing their opinions!

Today I am feeling angry, angry at the World and angry with myself. I wish I had gone to Australia when I had the chance, despite the difficulties involved; I surely would have muddled through. This bloody pandemic is getting me down yes, but the reaction of people is grating on me even more. No one cares about anyone, just themselves and how they are missing their annual holiday, can't go to their favourite restaurant or have that extra pint in the pub, because it is closing early. I am fed up with their selfish attitude towards others. They only wear masks when they want, refuse to socially distance, break all the rules and think they have the right to ignore the rest of us - well they don't, and they should be bloody ashamed of themselves!

I may well not be suffering like other people in the physical sense, but mentally I am drained and at the end of my tether. I haven't seen my husband for a year and have no idea when I will be allowed to see him again. If all you have to whinge about, is boredom on a Saturday night, because everything shuts at 10pm, the lack of quinoa on supermarket shelves or the queues outside Primark for your cheap, nasty clothes, then you really have no idea what heartache is. Yes I am bitter and feeling sorry for myself, yes it is rather self-indulgent, sybaritic and unrestrained but I have a voice and today I want to shout out loud from the rooftops... I have a reason to roar, can you really say the same!

Rant over!!!!

Over the last few months I have been gradually changing my lifestyle for many reasons. As you are all aware, I suffer with chronic IBS and have a number of underlying conditions, that probably make me more susceptible to food sensitivity. These have only been noticeable since I returned to Portsmouth from Spain and probably came to the fore, because of the changes I made to my lifestyle when I returned to the UK.

In Spain, I was an expert at living frugally. It was extremely difficult getting hold of the convenience, processed food readily available here. Of course, you could visit one of the many British supermarkets, stocking such products, but these were expensive and few and far between. It was much easier living in the same way the Spanish do and with money in short supply, I began changing my whole outlook on life.

Rather than buying British food from expensive international food aisles in Dialprix, Consum or Mercadona, I bought seasonal fruit and vegetables from the market in Gran Alacant, or the more affordable grocery stores. I chose to buy meat and other products that were on offer, pairing the ingredients for a nutritious 'cheap' alternative; cooking in bulk and freezing leftovers. This worked well for me, and I was able to live off twenty to thirty euro a week. I had graduated from the wasteful existence I had in Britain, to environmentally friendly sustainability, throwing very little away and learning to live a life more in tune with my Mother and Fathers childhood in the 1950s.

In 2020, I am living my life in similar fashion, but for very different reasons. In Spain, I had very little money to live on, so I had to readjust my lifestyle to take account of a limited income. Today I continue to cook in bulk because of the busy life I lead. Spending one day a week cooking for the next seven days, means I don't have to spend hours in the kitchen each evening, when I should be resting from long shifts at work.

My diet has also changed dramatically, since my Gastro Intestinal issues were diagnosed. I am choosing to follow a predominantly plant based diet; meat can be very difficult to digest, for me for at least, so alternatives have been a Godsend as I have tried to make my diet more IBS friendly and healthy. I have never really looked at this type of food before, let alone actually eat it, so it has been a leap into the unknown, but so far I have been pleasantly surprised by the choice out there.

As well as cooking up large pots of Quorn Stew, I am also trying out the other meat alternatives - this week, sausages, Quorn fillets and meatballs. The sausages are particularly delicious, full of flavour and better than normal sausages; yes you heard that right, I actually prefer eating them. Even the sausage rolls taste better in my humble opinion and most importantly do not have any adverse reactions with my GI issues.

However, there is a downside to all this meat free living and it is the cost. It is still far cheaper to eat animal products; if I am honest I would spend half the money I do on my weekly shop, if I could still happily enjoy it, but the truth is I can't. Eating meat is no longer compatible with my well-being and I have had to make dramatic changes to accommodate conditions that I never really knew I had.

I have discovered many foods that I can still eat - sushi, most fresh vegetables, Brie and Camembert, so at least I can still enjoy some cheese, although I no longer eat any other form of dairy. Also, I can eat most nuts, rice, cereal and my all-time favourite Marmite, which is also great for adding flavour to tofu and Quorn. I have removed all refined sugar, including cakes, chocolate and ice cream from my diet, to my absolute horror. It does seem on the surface at least, that I don't get any enjoyment from food any more and I suppose that is partly true.

All the things I used to enjoy, I can no longer eat; I can't remember the last time I had a piece of extra mature cheddar cheese, a chocolate finger, bottle of wine or tub of Ben and Jerry's, but I have found some friendly substitutes that have helped to ease the cravings. Dairy free desserts and chocolate can be quite appetising and causes me no harm whatsoever. It feels as though my body has started to heal after a lifetime of abuse and eating food that was no good for me at all.

Because of the changes I have made, I have been able to reintroduce some food that I couldn't eat just a few weeks ago. Until recently I have only been able to eat sourdough bread, but today I have reintroduced the normal, bog standard sliced loaf, which is about a third of the price and in my opinion tastes far better. I can also eat some pies and pastries, but not too much, so today I was able to buy a couple of home made pies from Zerina at Cancer Research and have had no adverse reaction; I am starting to live life again.

IBS is evolving all the time; one day I can eat one thing and on other days not, so I have to work my way around the complexities these ailments cause. I have taken my eating habits back to basics and gradually reintroduced a few items that I can now stomach once again, but it really has been hard work getting here. As someone who has always been able to eat what I want, I have found this process very difficult to deal with, but it has taught me much about myself and the nature of my body. It has shown me a way of living I have never experienced before, consequently making me feel far healthier and looking a lot trimmer than I was.

Over the last six months I have lost a stone in weight, I am walking a lot more and I have finally started to get to grips with my health, which does continue to cause me problems every day. I do feel fitter in many respects, but unravelling the pain that has been a constant in my life has been difficult. I have had to scream from the rooftops to see Doctors and Consultants, especially during this pandemic, but finally the results are beginning to show through. Exercise every morning and night is helping to ease the back pain I suffer with every day, and I am finally feeling positive and relieved, that I understand problems that have plagued my life for too long. If I have learned anything from this period, it's simply, I can change, adapt and make my life better. When I put my mind to something I can achieve all I want to. So far I'm half way there and thank God the light in finally at the end of the tunnel, helping to point the way to a more productive, satisfying and fulfilling life, without the mistakes of the past!

Coronavirus knows no bounds and its latest victim is no less a person than Donald Trump, The President of the United States. When I woke up this morning, the World was just beginning to digest the terrifying news, that the leader of the free World had caught COVID-19. This was dreadful news for America, coming just four weeks before the Presidential election; Mr Trump will now have to self-isolate for fourteen days. Of course nobody can be sure just how this will pan out, but if he recuperates well, he should be back on the campaign trail in a fortnight. Despite my dislike of his policies, I wish him and the First Lady, who also tested positive, well.

It is ironic that a man who constantly criticised his opponent Joe Biden for wearing a mask, is now suffering due to his lack of precautionary measures. This is a man who only recently started wearing a face covering himself and it is likely he has infected others in his Whitehouse team. I find his handling of the pandemic appalling and his reluctance to wear a mask shocking, considering the huge loss of life in the United States. The next week will determine just how bad things will get for the President, he is after all in a high risk category; at 74 years of age he is clinically obese; nevertheless despite this, statistically he is likely to pull through. There is of course lessons to be learned for all of us and the hope is people will finally wake up to the enormity of the threat at hand.

All of us should follow Government guidelines and wear coverings in public spaces. Remaining at a safe social distance is also necessary to stop the spread of COVID and not mixing with other households is a must. I am not visiting anyone now, and I am keeping clear of everyone who I don't personally know. The only real contact I have with people are those I work with and close family, even then I am mindful of the situation we all find ourselves in and keep a safe distance.

I was able to at least see family this week and spent a few hours walking through the cemetery feeding the squirrels with my Aunt, Cousin Rachel and the kids. All of us met outside in order to limit as much contact as we can. As the Coronavirus total continues to rise, I am once again  becoming rather anxious about the difficulties we are now all facing; I want to do as much as I can to protect those around me. I haven't seen my Cousins for quite a while, so it was wonderful to just relax in their company for a short while.

On the theme of 'doing the right thing,' I have continued to get to grips with my health issues, that have become more visible recently. Yesterday I had a physiotherapy session, where I was referred for more blood tests, this time for Rheumatoid Arthritis and Ankylosing Spondylitis. The consultant believes I have symptoms consistent with both conditions and wants to rule them in or out before we carry on with the sessions. These are not diseases I know anything about and for the first time I haven't googled their symptoms. It is important to find out exactly what is happening with my general well-being now, as I approach my 50th year, and I am glad the Doctors are doing what they can to ensure I understand the nature of the pain I am now experiencing.

Darrell and I are keeping very much to our 'family toast' tradition each week and yesterday we had our usual photo together, taken on different sides of the World. 'Doing the right thing' and keeping our relationship alive under the most difficult circumstances is important, even today. In fact, we have spoken every day this week, which has helped our situation feel more normal.

At our age we are lucky to still have each other and understand the importance of our relationship, now more than ever. This pandemic has indeed been a terrible juncture in all our lives, but for Darrell and I, it has cemented our partnership firmly together. We have overcome so many obstacles during our 25 years together that we aren't going to let a virus get in the way of our happiness. When all this is over, we can at least add COVID-19 to our list of boundaries crossed and struggles conquered. As long as we continue 'doing the right thing' both of us will come together stronger than ever... Just like all of you, but until then we will continue to fight, learning from our mistakes, remembering the good times and always, always looking forwards!

The new Coronavirus regulations are now in place at work and as confused as I am about this next phase of the 'lockdown,' like everyone else, I am doing my best to keep to the new rules; whatever they are {{{Confused Much.}}} Like most people I am finding the avalanche of directives, pronouncements and instruction a little hard to comprehend at times, but when you work behind a bar, you have little choice, but to listen, take note and follow the ground rules.

To be honest, work is carrying on in much the same vein as it always has. We have been closing at 10pm on weekdays anyway, so only our weekend times have changed. The biggest difference is the compulsory mask wearing for staff and table service for customers. I'm afraid I find this all rather ridiculous, not because I don't agree with stopping this virus in its tracks, but because the announcements don't seem to be fit for purpose. By making staff wait on tables, you are just bringing human contact to the fore, whereas previously I could keep my distance. This is really defeating the Governments plan for everyone to socially distance. Granted we are all wearing face coverings, but these are not of a medical grade and no mask is foolproof.

All of us at the Newcome are following the Governments word, as are our customers. Despite being a small public house in Fratton, we have been instrumental in opening the doors to the local community and trying to get back to a semblance of normality. I have enjoyed seeing familiar faces and new customers, as well as work colleagues and friends, after a time when all of us were locked down, rarely leaving our homes. Without decisive action all of us will be right back at square one. I am however still of the opinion, we failed to do what was necessary at the beginning of this pandemic. We are where we are, and we all have to work together now, to help bring this virus down to manageable levels.

In Portsmouth, we have been better than most cities and regions in adhering to the guidelines and our transmission rates are low. Nevertheless, none of us who work at the Newcome are complacent and have done our best to overcome the difficulties surrounding this pandemic and the new working practices implemented. This is yet another period where we need to be vigilant, careful and continually stringent with our hygiene and social distancing. Working in the pub is a particularly dangerous environment at the moment, but with everyone standing together, (socially distanced of course,) we will eventually subjugate this challenging time and get back to the way things were!

I am well versed in what I can and can't do now at work, but when our own Prime Minister can't even remember the rules himself, it doesn't bode well for the future. I have a feeling we are all heading for another national lockdown soon, because a small minority are failing in their duty to comply with the current restrictions. Whatever you do now, think of others, not yourself; it is crucial we protect those who are most vulnerable. Wear that facemask, keep a safe distance and above all change your attitudes, then hopefully all of us can be together once again!

Stay safe....

I have been fortunate to spend time with friends during the last week. Usually I am working non-stop and get very little time to myself, but having two weeks off, with nowhere to go, I have been able to make time for people who matter. I am very 'picky' about those I choose to mix with these days; based on previous experience it is a necessary fact of life. Having said that it was great see two people who mean a lot to me.

Last Thursday I was able to spend the evening with my mate from work James, someone I have grown very fond of over the last few years here in Portsmouth. He makes me laugh and always holds a good conversation. He was someone I always looked forward to seeing, until he moved departments about a year ago. Both of us have been meaning to get together for a drink, so I am grateful I had the time this week.

Ten cocktails each at Gunwarf Quays in Southsea, plenty of gossip and chatter and for the first time in months, I felt relaxed and happy to be in the company of someone other than family. I have to find more time to spend with friends, I know that, but with Darrell in Australia I do find it difficult. James cheered me up no end and put a smile back on my face, which was most definitely needed!

From a relatively new friend, to someone I have known for many years.  I met Ramona in 1992, nearly thirty years ago, and we hit it off almost immediately. Attending University together, we were inseparable, spending every free moment together. I suppose Ramona knows me nearly as much as my husband; our history goes back a generation; we spent many happy times together.

I haven't seen as much of Ramona as I should in recent years, our lives went in very different directions. She was most certainly the sensible one and managed to reign me back from oblivion on many occasions. During this pandemic, we once again got in contact and very much continued where we left off, as we always do.  Meeting on Sunday was probably just what we both needed. Many of my issues resonate with Ramona, and we were able to talk about subjects only we could understand.

It was great to get out of Portsmouth for a bit as well and go for a wonderful meal at The Chilworth Arms, my favourite gastro pub, near Southampton. The food is always delicious, beautifully presented and piping hot. Although the price is a little more expensive at £17.95, compared to a typical Carvery for Sunday lunch, the experience is worth every penny. It was the perfect atmosphere to chat, catch up, remember the last thirty years and enjoy each other's company, as we always do.

Back in Portsmouth, we were able to take a brisk four mile walk along Southsea sea front, perfect for blowing away the cobwebs. It was reassuring to speak to Ramona about my current thoughts and feelings, something I can't often do with others. She has always been a good listener and great at giving advice, even if I didn't always take it. Being reminded of the past, especially now is comforting. It is certainly a reminder that things won't always be this way and the World will eventually get back to normal. Unable to hug as we used to, we have at least made arrangements to see each other once a month, as long as we can; friendship is important now, more than ever, COVID is testimony to that!

I am currently in the middle of a two-week holiday from work. Darrell was due to fly to the UK for our 25th Anniversary last week, but as we all know, circumstances have prevented us being reunited after ten months apart. Like most couples in our position, we are doing what we can to make the most of our difficult situation. With the second wave of the pandemic sweeping through the country, it is likely we won't be able to see each other for a long time yet and are trying to work out a plan to overcome any worst case scenario. My Member of Parliament is on our case and after speaking with Darrell over the last seven days, I have suggested his West Australian MP also gets involved, hopefully working with mine and the Home Office to come up with an acceptable resolution for both of us. Only time will tell, if this strategy works!

Last Wednesday I went to see my Father, the first time I have seen him since the pandemic broke in March of this year. I am still very reluctant to be in his company; I have three jobs and mix with a lot of different people, so the risks of exposure I encounter every day are more than I would like. However, my Father had arranged for us to talk socially distanced, in his conservatory, and we had a lot to discuss.

I haven't seen eye to eye with Dad recently, so it was the perfect opportunity to make my views count and clear up a few misconceptions. We talked for a good few hours about a number of different subjects; for the first time in my life, I was able to explain my feelings about my life growing up gay and just how it had affected my mental well-being. To be honest, like most parents, I don't think he fully understood just what I went through as a child, nevertheless this was an important first conversation to have and it felt as if we had started to lay ghosts to rests.

It wasn't until recently that I realised just what role my past has played in my life, especially during the last few years. Many of the health issues I have now, begun during a particularly traumatic childhood; coming to terms with them, has pushed me towards finally confronting my demons. Despite this, their significance has remained a constant source of angst and become a brutal reminder of a past I would rather forget in most respects.

It was important to speak with Dad about topics rarely discussed, we still don't fully understand each others point of view, but have certainly started the process of moving forwards positively. There are many things I want to forget and this is just the beginning of that conversation. In time, I hope both of us will finally understand one another.