Whether this is an appropriate blog entry so soon after the  death of TV presenter Caroline Flack, is a matter of opinion. For me, this is entirely congruous, especially at this time. Turning on ones television set this morning, one couldn't escape the news that Ms Flack, the former host of 'Love Island,' had killed herself as a result of a sustained media campaign to bully and intimidate her because of her involvement in an alleged attack against her then boyfriend Lewis Burton. The circumstances of  the incident were fiercely contested by both parties involved, but however, used by the media, especially the British tabloid press, as a catalyst for some truly heinous and provocative headlines. The abuse and mistreatment Caroline endured was most certainly the beginning of the end for the talented television presenter; her untimely death, a reminder of bullying that anyone of us could suffer at any time.

Suicide has played a prominent role in my life I'm sad to say, not in the literal sense, but as an onlooker from the sidelines. I witnessed many young friends take their own lives, because  of the turmoil of growing up homosexual at an age when we had no rights as a community. Coming to terms with who we are was a big deal for most us and so many other gay people from my generation.

Psychological and mental health issues were common place amongst my peers. Discovering I was gay was not the liberating experience it is today. I myself suffered trauma and bullying for many years, just because of my sexuality and have contemplated and attempted suicide, because of the negative circumstances I found myself in.  Suicide is a deeply personal experience and no one can describe the pain and deep sense of loss and foreboding you go through as a person. Suicide is not an act you consider or carry out lightly, it is a final call for help and a much-needed release from demons you can no longer control.

When Caroline Flack decided to take her own life, she would have been at her lowest ebb and unable to control emotions that she had kept in check for too long. The pressure and attacks she suffered during her final few days and her subsequent death, show just what bullying can do to someone. This was another death where the media had blood on their hands, like so many before. A high profile celebrity if you like, who could no longer cope with the lies and mistruths that were touted as accurate portrayals; nothing could have been further from the truth!

I am sure I will be criticised for writing about the death of a celebrity, whilst commenting on my own experiences, but it is important to express a view freely on controversial subjects that wouldn't otherwise be brought to the attention of the public. Suicide is rarely discussed and the reasons behind it are often covered up and hidden away. Just as I would sit around a breakfast table with my family as a young boy and discuss the daily headlines in the newspaper, so I will communicate my opinion on difficult, uncomfortable topics today. The death of Caroline Flack has highlighted subjects that wouldn't otherwise be talked about and it is the duty of a writer to bring those subjects to the attention of their readers, as I have done in this entry. The stark reality of death has conjured up some uncomfortable memories for me and my family and I feel compelled to write about them, while this talking point remains fresh in my mind.

Nothing can explain just how angry I felt this morning when I heard about the death of Caroline. I didn't know her or even watch any of her shows, but her struggle became a source of personal angst, as I remembered just what had transpired in my life. The bullying I suffered at the hands of others, ending with my time at Oxfam is very much at the forefront of my thoughts once again. The death of a celebrity has reopened some old wounds, recollections I thought were laid to rest but clearly were not.

All of us should mourn the passing Caroline Flack, whether we knew her or not. Another life has been lost to suicide. The reasons why someone chooses to take their own life are complex and unique to each individual concerned. As people, we should all understand the signs that lead  to such despair and do all we can to help and understand before passing judgement. Caroline's story is not an isolated one, learning why suicides occur is an important first step in recognising the stigma that surrounds this subject. More lives will be saved if only we took the time to listen!

As a child I was very much a loner, preferring my own company to that of others. I would spend hours in my room, writing, reading or watching television, consequently I had very few friends to speak of and spent the first decade and a half of my life without many people around me. That is what suited me at the time, I wasn't a people person and found others annoying and tiresome. I don't remember enjoying my teenage years at all, in fact it was an extremely gruelling and formidable time. Without friends my experiences were pretty nondescript and unmemorable; these were years I would rather forget and by and large have, only touching on their relevance  from time to time.

On Thursday evening I went out with friends from my voluntary job at Cancer Research, to a new restaurant here in Portsmouth. I thoroughly enjoyed being in their company and had a fantastic night, as I always do with this bunch. In 2020 my life is very different and I mix with many people. I suppose I actually like being centre of attention and the introverted child I was, is no longer a person I comprehend. When I left school, I evolved into someone very different, in many respects an individual I didn't recognise but someone I liked; I finally found out who I was and rather late, granted, became the personality I am today. Education kept me in a box away from the real World and never allowed me to be the unique, slightly eccentric guy I am. I did well at school, but I didn't excel, I didn't fulfil my dreams and become the person I craved. For the most part I didn't mix with others because I didn't enjoy their company, find them stimulating or even fit in with their agenda. The few friends I did have were like me and as I discovered later in life, went through the same traumas I did. Life was not easy as a kid, but it did teach me a lot about the World and how to stand on my own two feet without the help of others.

My journey from the age of sixteen was full of people, weird and wonderful characters who have remained a part of my life for many years. I was attracted to like-minded individuals, mainly from the gay community which I played an active role in and discovered there were other people like me. Looking back at my school days now, I am sure my homosexuality played a big part in my discontent and stopped me from following my dreams and aspirations. The awkwardness I felt for many years was really the product of my hidden sexuality and the times I grew up in.

After decades living on a gay scene, that could be destructive at times, inward looking and surrounded by more so-called friends than I could ever hope for, I have reached a cross road in my life, where I am now looking to achieve a balance between friends, family, work life and me time. Today I literally have too many people around me and making time for each one of them can be challenging. Of course, I no longer live on a large gay scene or have a large gay family to contend with on a daily basis, but I still have connections with others that I need and want to keep alive. Those closest are the ones that stood the test of time and have always been there on my journey. These are the ones who never judged me for my failings, accepted my sexuality and were there when others were not; these were the friends who made me who I am today.

I have lost many companions along the way, mainly through choice and realising they were not the people I thought they were. At 48 years old I am not afraid to tell someone where to go, especially if I believe they are making me feel like that depressed child I once was. I have a lifestyle that involves working three jobs, blogging, writing and socialising when I am able, if others can't make allowances for that, then they can not be a part of my life. I can't be that weekend party animal I used to be or spend two hundred pounds drinking on a Saturday night, while those financially better off than I can. The reality is, I am just an average, hard-working guy, I haven't had an amazing career, made oodles of money or boast about my achievements, but I am happy being me. Content with the friends I have, I  am no longer looking for the recognition and approval I used to crave. My life is difficult, challenging, content and eventful. My fate is mine to do with as I please and when I make a decision today it's about what is right for me, not anyone else, just me, my family and the path I have chosen to follow.

I just wanted to say a word or two about the Duke and Duchess of Sussex. I haven't written much about current affairs in recent times, but felt compelled to add my voice to those who continue to support these two young people on their journey through life. As a frequent user of social media, I have been shocked by the comments made about Harry and Meghan. At the moment every man and his dog has an opinion about this royal couple and most views are derogatory, inflammatory and bullying. I have written much about bullying in my time and have seen the same language used over and over again. What on Earth is going on and why are people so angry about people they don't even know.

The Duke and Duchess have decided to remove themselves from the fray and follow a life outside the Royal Family, concentrating on their lives together, rather than being scrutinized by the newspapers and press on a daily basis. It would seem Harry doesn't want his wife suffering in the same way his mother the late Princess Diana did, constantly harassed and hunted like a wild animal by a press pack hungry for a story. Who can blame him, who wouldn't want to see this young Prince happy and content? Well it seems most people in this country have no empathy towards them and their chosen path. The reactions of the 'trolls and bullies' I have witnessed online are upsetting, hurtful and absolutely shocking for someone like me, who tries to see the best in everyone.

What has happened between the Duke, Duchess and Royal Family is a personal matter. Together with Her Majesty The Queen and other members of the family, Harry and Meghan have come to an agreement, that will see them forge their own way in the World, without public funds and will also pay back the £2.4 million pounds spent on renovations at their London home; nothing wrong with that surely? Yes apparently there is and it doesn't satisfy the jeering crowds, baying for blood at their door.

What the hell has happened to this country? Since Brexit, the general public have lost all sense of compassion towards anyone but themselves. Racist and homophobic hate crime is on the rise, and we have lost all sense of what is right and what is wrong. A once empathetic nation has become a nation of haters, doubters and egotists....We are no longer the country we once were and that is a tragedy.

Before you decide to publicly destroy the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, maybe you should all look closer to home and the difficulties you may have faced along the road. Instead of attacking two people you don't even know, maybe, just maybe you should get your own house in order. The majority of you, spouting grotesque, baseless accusations and insults can barely string two words together, yet you are so deluded to believe anyone cares what you think. Harry and Meghan have the blessing of the Queen and the Royal family in their new endeavours and that is all that matters. There is far too much hate in this country now and I find it very difficult to understand just what went wrong. I for one wish them both well, as we all should. Prince Harry served our country during traumatic times and I respect him for that and the choice he now makes. Think about the things you say and look deep within at the person you are...Do you really like what you see?

Last night I spent a lovely evening with friends, talking, gossiping and putting the World to rights. It felt great to relax in good company for a change, especially after the week I have had.  The pain from Diverticulitis and IBS has been getting me down, especially over the last few days. I find it important to do things that take my mind off the way I am feeling, so being around people chatting the night away is just what the Doctor ordered; my mind was at least clear for a few quality hours!

It is true to say, I have suffered greatly with various conditions and ailments over the last year, mainly due to stress and anxiety, but I am learning to live with the pain. Today however, when I woke up, it was just too much to bear and I rang the Doctors surgery for advice. After describing the situation I was made an appointment and told to come in later in the day.

This is the first time Diverticular Disease has caused me significant problems and most certainly won't be the last, so it is necessary to do what I can to stop any future complications; this is one difficulty I don't want getting out of hand.

The Doctor did the usual checks and diagnosed a Diverticulitis flare up and a particularly nasty one at that. I am hoping a course of antibiotics will cure the problem for now, if not I could end up in hospital, which I really don't want. She understood the complications of the disease and was pretty helpful in regard to living with it, stressing the importance of change and eating a simple, non-spicy diet. Plain chicken, salad or vegetables with no carbs is best.

I also discussed the reasons why I may have acquired IBS in the first place, something that has always puzzled me. The first time I noticed any digestive issues was when I was living in Spain, shortly after being given Statins to lower my high cholesterol; before that, I was perfectly healthy, except maybe for stress and the odd bout of depression. Having read up on Statins, I came across story after story of people suffering from joint pain and abdominal spasms, similar to those experienced in IBS. The timing of my symptoms, coinciding with the prescribing of Pravastatin was no accident and I firmly believe the two are related. I mentioned my concerns to the Doctor who understood what I was trying to say but told me to mention it to my own GP when I next see her.

I seem to be looking for answers don't I, well I guess I am; taking a lot of medication every day can't be good for one's constitution. Taking other pills in the past made me feel similarly unwell at times, not as bad as I do now, but nevertheless not one hundred percent. I would dearly love to stop popping statins, which are intensely nasty drugs, but I understand I am supposed to live with them for the rest of my life. I need to take advice about what to do next; even cutting my dose of Statins will help to stem the tide of pain I experience at the moment I'm sure; so a trip to the Doctors once again is in order and hopefully we can come to a long term plan to help reduce the manifestations I experience almost on a daily basis!