It's been a while since I have written a personal blog entry; I have been so busy working over recent weeks, that I just haven't had the time to put pen to paper. It is hard for me, not being able to express myself when I want to, but I do have pressing priorities at the moment, which has meant having to put my life on hold for a short period. We have managed to meet up with an old mate, Elaine, who we haven't seen for six years, and that has lifted my spirits somewhat. I look forward to seeing more friends over the coming months, people who have played a pivotal role in our relationship together!

Darrell has been back in the UK for a little over a month now, although it does feel a lot longer. We have had to deal with so much in such a short space of time, that I sometimes just can't keep up. Our rapidly changing circumstances can be difficult to quantify, causing anxiety on a daily basis. Darrell chose to help his Mother during her battle with cancer, back home in Australia, and now he is being penalised for his endeavours. The reason we are where we are today, experiencing such highs and lows, is because he made an empathetic decision to be with my Mother in law at a particularly traumatic time.

Life has always been hard for us, right from day one, and the truth is, we've not made it easy for ourselves. Living in Spain, travelling the World and in recent times living apart, has caused us no end of issues. Both of us are once again in a position where we have to rebuild and restart our life, back home in the country where we met. Ideally we would have liked to rekindle our links with Spain at some point. It was a country where we both felt happy and accepted. Realistically, however, it isn't going to happen.

Events have conspired to curtail our life on the continent; Brexit and the pandemic have cut short any opportunity to settle in Europe. The hardest part is accepting our dream is finally over. Both of us always dreamt of a new life abroad and in a small way, we did achieve that ambition, but today the long-term complications of such a venture is just too much to overcome. With so many expats now leaving Spain and other European nations to return home, because of their own personal circumstances, after such a terrible two years, we just have to accept the inevitable. Both Darrell and I are not going to be relocating to Spain or anywhere else, anytime soon, if ever!

Despite working a lot of hours, supporting Darrell, my mind has most certainly been elsewhere. I continue to save for our future when I can, but I also have to be pragmatic, unable to put as much money aside as I once could. I have to look after Darrell while he waits for his immigration status to be updated and with the cost of living rising at a dramatic rate, it isn't an easy task. There is only so much money to go around, and I have to be as frugal as I can in order to get us through these next few months.

Before Darrell returned from Australia, my life was relatively comfortable, today I have to bolster him and I, without reliance on benefits of any sort. Our relationship prohibits Darrell from claiming benefits, with expectations resting firmly on my shoulders. This is a particular hard pill to swallow, especially when one considers the contribution and commitment made by Darrell, to this country, over twenty years. He has never claimed a penny in benefits, so why isn't he allowed to ask for help now? It does seem our life will be forever scrutinised and assessed by people who have no concept of the struggles we have endured and  that is a cross we will have to bear.

The waiting game continues for us, as it has done for years; more fighting and battling to remain together after more misguided choices. Even at fifty years old, I am still living as a second class citizen in my own country and both of us are still having to jump through hoops to survive. The best we can hope for, is a return to normality within the next few weeks, the worst, is a refusal from the Home Office and the implementation of plan B, which we haven't even contemplated yet. For now, we will continue to tighten our belts, stay focused and determined and hope for a swift, expeditious end to yet another challenging time, in both our lives!

I've had what can only be described as a rollercoaster of a week; it feels like my feet haven't touched the ground and I have had no time to relax. I am doing a lot of overtime, whilst having to support Darrell during his time in the UK. This interim period, before he gets his biometric card, is going to be tough. I will have to work a lot more than I usually do, and already I work long hours. Still I am managing to stay afloat and more importantly able to continue saving money each month.

Tomorrow, Darrell travels to Cumberland House in Southampton, to have his biometric information taken. This includes fingerprints, and photographs. This is the beginning of a process to allow him to gain employment, simply, without having to provide evidence obtained when he was granted 'Indefinite leave to Remain' in 2001. Both of us just want to get back to normal and rebuild our life together in the UK.

With all the work I am doing at the moment, I haven't had a lot of time to do anything else. However, I am continuing on my weight loss programme, which I started exactly two weeks ago. So far I have gone from a weight of 97.7 kg to a far more respectable 93 kg. That's a loss of 4.7 kg, or approximately 10 pounds. That's not bad for fourteen days.

Comparing this diet to others I have followed in the past, I am well aware of the significant weight loss I experience during the first month of eating healthier. The hardest part is afterwards, getting my weight down to its ideal level and maintaining it long term. I have gone from obese to overweight, which is great news. My BMI is now below thirty, I am on track to achieving my first goal of 89 kg in weight by the end of the month.

I am determined not to make the mistakes of the past, and I am not being as strict with food intake as I once was. I am following a calorie control diet and not a keto, or one of those 'fad' diets, as I believe that is the best way to lose weight in a measured sustained way. Every day, I take a vitamin D tablet and start by eating plenty of fresh fruit, with porridge. I continue to eat fruit throughout the day, with every meal I have and no longer eat cheese, chocolate or processed food and refined sugar. Having changed my whole outlook dramatically, I am pleased the results are showing already.

Keeping my calorie intake to a minimum has been a challenge, but using my new 'nutracheck' app at a cost of £3.99 a month, I have been able to stick to my daily goals. This fantastic app, allows me to scan product barcodes into my phone and immediately tell me how much I am eating, allowing me to adjust my calorie intake accordingly. Modern technology has been a great tool during this diet this time around. Seeing statistics in a graph on my phone is spurring me forwards to get those desired results. At fifty years old, I need to be more health conscious and at the moment at least, I have the will power to achieve that ambition.

This week we also bought an exercise bike, which in itself, is proving to be a challenge. I am managing to do ten minutes on a regular basis, but that is hard work for a novice; I am someone who just doesn't do exercise. On top of this I do a minimum of ten thousand steps a day, running around in my job, so manage to do more than my quota of daily exercise. Of course, I hope to improve on this, but for a person who used to think moving a cigarette from the ashtray on my belly to my mouth was a workout, I don't think I'm doing too badly.

Another busy week beckons, with even more extra hours than usual. I have been told to take it easy and listen to my own body, not overdoing it too much. Nevertheless, I am having to go that extra mile and that is understandable. When I look back at this entry in six months time, I hope Darrell will be working, I will be far slimmer, and we are both enjoying life, just a little bit more… After all, life is for living right? Let's live it to the max!

My three weeks of annual leave has come to an end, and I am finally back to work. Thanks to my employers, I have been able to enjoy an extended period with my husband, Darrell, after his arrival in the UK. We have done a lot of walking, talking and discussing the future, which isn't necessarily what we expected. Neither of us thought we would be back to 2001, battling to secure our life here in Britain, but the reality is, this country has changed much over the last few years. Darrell and I have to learn to adapt to the changing circumstances and accept we will never achieve our ambition to live in Europe.

Trying to get to grips with the state of the immigration system has been a challenge. Darrell has all the same rights as I do, but because they were granted twenty years ago, he is finding it hard proving his status. There are many ways you can ascertain your rights to live and work in the UK; it very much depends on how you originally received your immigration documents.

Darrell received a vignette in his passport, stating he has Indefinite Leave to Remain in the UK; essentially giving him access to employment and benefits. Using his letter from the Home Office in 2001, he has never had a problem obtaining employment and in truth, he shouldn't now. Employers seem to be unaware of the process involved for someone like Darrell, and we are constantly being told to provide a 'share code,' which an employer can use to determine residency status. Share codes are digital passports, the descendants of the vignette Darrell has. In order for him to prove his right to work, he has to follow an entirely different procedure, which is clearly highlighted on the '.Gov' website. Sadly, this is little understood by employers, and we seem to be fighting a losing battle.

Both of us have been pulling our hair out, trying to draw attention to the resources available to prospective employers, searching for information from someone like Darrell. We both seem to be going around in circles, and it is frustrating to say the least. A simple calculation on a government website would clear up the ambiguity of our situation, yet the digital nature of proving one's right to work in 2021, especially after the pandemic, has become our Achilles heel.

Darrell has applied for jobs and spoken to employment agencies in Britain and just to highlight the difficulties we have been experiencing, each one has different criteria for determining whether he has the right to work. Some are prepared to take his Home Office letter, others not, some want a sharing code, others not; On top of this, having lived in Europe, his Spanish licence is also causing problems. Most employers want a British licence, but interestingly, many of the larger organisations are perfectly fine with a Spanish one. Our movement, all over the World, appears to have created obstacles; the British government want us to stay in one place and never to leave again. That isn't us, our life is based around travelling, it's the way we met and part of the fabric of our relationship together.

Trying to get a car and insurance is also proving problematic. Darrell hasn't driven for several years now, not since he and I lived in Spain, so getting reasonably priced insurance has become yet another stumbling block. We aren't sure if his 'no claims,' bonus can be transferred  from Linea Directa, his Spanish insurance company, to a similar business in the UK. If not, the cost of insuring even a small car will run into hundreds, possibly thousands of pounds. This is yet another hurdle we need to cross, as we rebuild our life back home.

Of course, we aren't the only people going through hard times at the moment. After Brexit, the number of expats returning has increased, and they too are having to start again, in a country that has changed dramatically since they last lived here. Compounded by the pandemic and people being unable to get home because of the virus, returning British residents have some serious concerns they need to address; we are all going through the same upheaval, and it won't end anytime soon.

It looks like Darrell and I will experience some awkwardness in how we live our life for the foreseeable future, until the Home Office give him his biometric resident card, and he can finally prove his right to work. Until then, I will be working long hours in two jobs to support us both. I'm not afraid of hard work, so life will carry on very much in the same vein, as it always has. Things may well seem daunting at present, but we are assured our predicament will get better and resolve in the near future. We are lucky to be together still, after twenty-six years, and that is our most important achievement. The world may well have changed dramatically since 2016, but it is also an opportunity for us, to start again, as we have done, so many times before. Our success or failure will depend on how well we whether the incoming storm; we are both fighters, and our determination can only help us focus on the challenges ahead.

This week I went back to school, the first time since I started a job teaching at the Princesa de Asturias school in Elche, Spain in 2017. My Cousin is particularly busy looking after her two youngest children at the moment, so I was delighted, if a little nervous, when she asked me if I would go with her daughter to parent's open day. This isn't something I have ever done before, so was naturally a little hesitant at first.

At fifteen years old, my Cousin is in her final stretch of school, and it was important I attended with her, to get feedback about her accomplishments over the last year, especially after the pandemic we have all lived through. She is a well liked young girl who gets on well with all her teachers, that was clear from the moment we walked into the school. Through the main hall we went, where colleges and career information was on display, and into the classrooms beyond.

In truth, I don't know who was more anxious, me or my Cousin. Sitting down in front of her teachers, brought back memories of my own parents evenings and the dread I used to feel, as I sat down facing my educators. These were never my favourite occasions, so I could feel my cousin's apprehension, very similar to the feelings I had over thirty-three years ago. I was certainly impressed by her teachers and the fondness they had for her. This was very different to my experience as a young lad.

As a child, I was very different to my Cousin. I wasn't as outgoing and had few friends, keeping myself very much to myself. I also came from a less tolerant era, where my sexuality wasn't acknowledged or even spoken about. The children at this progressive school in Portsmouth were certainly more grounded and worldly-wise, unlike the kids in my day.  More in tune with their own identities, they were far more self-assured and confident, but maybe, just maybe a little more supercilious, than I was used to.

Our school years are important and define us as adults later in life, so it is important we do as well as we can. Sadly sometimes we expect too much of children at such a young age. Deciding the direction our lives should follow, based on five years of secondary school education, is too much to expect. Speaking from my own perspective, I didn't have a clue what I wanted to do when I left school. I took the wrong courses at college and university and genuinely had no idea what I was doing  then and probably still don't today.

On reflection, I wish my teachers had been as dedicated and approachable as those at my Cousin's school. Had they listened more to my needs and encouraged me in the same way, I may well have done much better than I did. Despite my high praise for the teachers I met on Thursday, I was also surprised by the difference in discipline from my school days in the 1970s and 80s. A teacher seems to be more of a friend than a mentor, and their repartee more in tune with the playground than an institute of education.

Despite my misgivings, I was more than impressed by their respect for LGBTQ+ and minority issues. The inclusiveness and diversity was a joy to see, albeit a shock to my system. I wasn't used to this enlightened way of teaching, but I was wholeheartedly won over, by a school that made sure everyone was recognised for their individuality and encouraged to be the person their want to be. It was a pleasure to take a dip into the working life of a school, even if it was only for a single evening. It brought many memories to the surface and was a pleasant experience I would love to be a part of again!

September seems to be a busy month around here. There are numerous Birthdays, our anniversary, and the last of the summer sun to enjoy, before winter sets in. It was great to see old friends and new, also, as the last of the pandemic restrictions were finally lifted, life has started to get back to normal; more social interaction and time with family and friends has once again become a feature of everyday life. With Darrell returning home this month as well, life has suddenly got even more vivacious than usual. Despite having three weeks off, I have been busy every day and never seem to find the time to just sit down and chill!

On Saturday, we celebrated my Aunty Trisha's Birthday. For the first time in God knows how long, I had a few pints. This isn't something I would usually do if I am honest, especially after past experiences. IBS has prevented me from doing many of the things I would like, including drinking, but I felt it was time to see if my rather delicate constitution could handle it and luckily enough, I have no problems to report. This was a surprise to me, but since my gallbladder removal, my life has slowly been getting back to normal and the pain I experienced in the past is no longer there.

Since my operation in April, I have sadly started to put on weight again. The digestive conditions I suffered from, have subsided, and I have started to indulge in the things I used to like, including my downfall, cheese. When I weighed myself this morning, I was a horrifying 99.4 kg, this is a huge leap from the 93.5 kilos I was before my operation; it's time to start eating healthy again.

Despite the discomfort I experienced with gallbladder disease, the pain actually prevented me from eating a lot of things that were bad for my health. High fat food was always a no no, chocolate as well, and too many carbs would also cause problems. You can deduce from this, that my diet was actually far healthier than it is now; all I have to do, is change my eating habits once again.

Watching 'This Morning' today, there was a segment on weight gain, especially round the midriff. After doing a calculation they suggested, determining your ideal waist size, by dividing your height by two, it was clear I was actually five inches bigger than I should be; I've seriously got to start losing weight!

My Aunt had a fabulous Birthday, surrounded by a few close friends and family. We all chatted the night away, talking about the old days and listening to music from a bygone era. I haven't had many opportunities to spend time with my Aunt on her Birthday over the years, so it felt good to be a part of her day. Family is precious and even during the darkest times in our life, we should cherish the memories they bring.

Making arrangements for Darrell's resettlement in the UK and seeking advice from solicitors over his immigration status, has taken priority over the last few weeks. However, we have managed to spend a little time walking and relaxing, in between the mountain of paperwork and collection of documents. Having now employed a solicitor, we look forward to a speedy end to our current predicament. A long, five-mile walk around Portsmouth to the sea front in Southsea, has not only been energising, but it has also taken our minds off pressing matters.

At the height of the pandemic, I used to walk daily, up to ten miles at a time. As restrictions eased, and I spent more time at work, I became less and less active. Walking five miles, was half what I was used to, but I found it extremely difficult. Nevertheless, the weather was perfect, which made for an enjoyable experience.

Now Darrell is back, I would like to do more exercise, but I have a feeling I will be working more than ever. Until he is able to work himself, I will have to take on extra shifts. Once employed, I will be able to take a step back somewhat and not work so hard. My hope is, we will both be able to take on a more active lifestyle. I have to keep reminding myself, that I am in the final seven days of a three-week break from work, so have piled on the pounds, more than I usually would. Once I get back into a routine, the weight should hopefully start dropping off again.

It was great to end the week with friends and colleagues from work. Darrell and I have been through so much in recent times, that a few hours with those closest was just what the Doctor ordered. Drinks, food and chatter, was a welcome break from the difficulties of the last fortnight. It was a fantastic evening, thoroughly enjoyable and made a pleasant change, from worrying about things I literally have no control of.

I am a worrier by nature, which is also why I write. Anything that helps me take my mind off things that may be bothering me, is perfect for helping me to wind down and relax. I have been told by my Doctor many times before, that the IBS symptoms I suffer with daily, is due to my constant worrying. An evening out with friends, even if I am indulging in food and drink that would normally cause havoc with my digestion, is a great healer; that can only be a good thing.

Since Darrell returned to Britain, life has begun to get back to normal, well as normal as it can at the moment. Having my husband home has done wonders for my psychological wellbeing and has allowed me to see a future, where once there was none. Dining out with friends, together, may seem small to some, but to me, it signifies continuity and that is important for both of us. After such a negative period in our life, we can finally begin the process of restarting where we left off nearly two years ago. This month signals the beginning of a new chapter and a desire to succeed; only time will tell if the 'pandemic years' will have any lasting effect. The hope is, we will forget the last few years, put the dark days behind us and begin to finally live again!

Getting back to normal after two years apart can be challenging. When Darrell returned last week, I was under no illusions, as to just how much work was ahead of us. Re-establishing ourselves as a couple, and Darrell as a British resident, isn't going to be an easy task. The two of us have restarted where we left off in November 2019 (God, that really does seem like a lifetime ago now!) It really is a cliché, but it does feel like we have never been apart; I suppose that is the nature of relationships.

After surviving the initial jet lag, Darrell has spent the last seven days sorting out the legalities behind his arrival in Britain. The terms of his Indefinite Leave to Remain visa states, he must not be outside the UK for longer than two years, something he has never done, always returning to top up his right to remain here. This was the longest period he was away from the Britain, for a total of twenty-two months. Despite this, because so much has changed in recent times, he is finding it difficult to secure employment here. The documentation needed to work include a biometric card, which he has never had, having been granted Indefinite Leave to Remain in 2001, before this technology was available.

Yesterday, Darrell spoke to a specialist immigration solicitor, after discovering he wasn't able to register for jobs in the UK. The team at the 'Immigration Advice Service' were helpful enough, but our solicitor left us a little overwhelmed by all the paperwork she asked us to get; in our case, over twenty years of documents. It seems Darrell will now have to apply for his biometric card, or British citizenship, whichever is easiest to do. This will ensure he never again has to go through the bureaucratic nightmare, we are currently experiencing. Both of us just want to get on with our life, not have to start from the beginning again, proving every day of the last twenty-six years we have been together.

To be honest I have had a stressful week, sorting through files, looking for evidence of our relationship to send to the solicitor and speaking with organisations who can help. Everything is getting on top of me, and I am feeling particularly down and fed up. Mine and Darrell's relationship, has never been easy, conventional, or typical, but sometimes, I just want a break and someone to lift me up a little, giving me some hope during the most arduous of times. No one really understands the difficulties we face, every day, we have always stood on our own two feet and never, I repeat NEVER, asked anyone for anything.

I guess you're maybe detecting a little anger in my words today; if you are, you are right. Both Darrell and I are fed up with these Home Office games, constantly having to jump through hoops in order to survive and never having the opportunity to live in peace, without someone getting on our back for something. The happiness I feel having Darrell home, is tinged with sadness as we once again try to do our best in this unforgiving World.

This week, Darrell and I have been celebrating our 26th anniversary, the first time we have been together on this day for several years. There were no major celebrations after missing our silver anniversary last year; we spent the day with family near The Hard in Southsea and finally had a lovely relaxing evening, the first since he arrived back.

If I am perfectly honest, I never thought I would be in the position I am today. Darrell has worked legally in The United Kingdom for twenty plus years, yet today because of Brexit legislation and a biometric card requirement, he is finding it almost impossible to gain suitable employment. We discussed his predicament with our Solicitor, who explained the documentation he has, confirming his Indefinite Leave to Remain status in 2001, was enough to work in the UK. She went on to say, that employers are unaware or unwilling to accept perfectly legal paperwork, because of lack of knowledge on this rather difficult subject. That is obviously no consolation for Darrell as he tries to gain employment, but it is a terrible indictment on the lack of information available to employers.

Both of us will just have to persevere for now, as we decide on our next move. It looks likely we will apply for a biometrics card, but the frustration at having to do this is annoying and ridiculous. This is turning out to be an expensive and unnecessary undertaking at a time when companies are crying out for staff.

At least we have been distracted by the good weather and the chance to get out and about with family. Our anniversary was an opportunity to spend time with loved ones, stroll along Southsea sea front and have a few beers and a bite to eat at the Spice Island Pub. I actually haven't felt that calm and collected for a while. Despite the difficulties we are once again facing, both of us need to take time out, not only for each other, but also for those around us.

I have been relatively tense since Darrell arrived back in the UK, because I know just how difficult the next few months will be. Family time is the distraction that will give us both respite from the mountain of paperwork, that is slowly building on the bedroom floor. Once again, I feel like I am stuck in a time warp, continually sorting out documents from twenty years ago. The reality is, this is what we have always had to do, in order to prove the ongoing nature of our relationship.

This week, I also said goodbye to my boss at The Newcome Arms. Ellie was my Manager first, but she was a friend also, and I will miss her terribly. Working a couple of evenings a week in this popular backstreet pub, has done wonders for my confidence and self-esteem. The three years I have pulled pints behind the bar, has given me an insight into 'Pompey' life. Ellie was always a joy to be around, and I know all of us who worked there will always remember her face.

The last seven days have been a week to remember; I have lost my boss of three years, but have gained my husband back, at least for now. The chimes of change have been ringing for quite some time now, and I am glad Darrell and I are finally at a stage, where we can at least attempt to rebuild our life together; for how long, is anyone's guess. Ellie, moving on to pastures new, has signalled a change in all our directions, and I am looking forward to the challenges ahead. As a friend recently told me, 'You thrive on change, you can see it in your eyes' and I can't disagree!

I am relishing what happens next, but I am also apprehensive about the future. I hope for a calm ride, but always expect the worst. A positive outlook and hope for the future, should see me through the incoming storm, but until we are sure just what to expect, it's steady as she goes, thoughtful contemplation and plenty, yes plenty, of rest!