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Can You Truly Leave The Past Behind?

13/12/2025

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Me and John 1993

John, Jenny, Saffi and me - Pride 1993

Me and John, Portsmouth 2022

Last night I spoke to my dear friend, John from the UK. John is more like family, and we have been friends for over 30 years. I wish I could say I contact him and other friends often, but I don't. That of course doesn't mean I don't hold them in high regard, because I do, but I do find it difficult talking to people, I know I can't see in person. Living in Australia for over three years has been a challenge for friendships in every respect. I suppose deep down I knew that the important people in my life would be hard to leave behind, especially at my age, but it has been more difficult than I expected.

Moving to Australia in my early 50s has left me quite empty in many respects and contented in many others. I have always regarded friendships as family, especially when I wasn't particularly close to my own relatives during my 20s and 30s. I grew up on a gay scene, at a time, when many of those close to me, were estranged from their kin folk. For this reason, we became family in all but name. The 1990s was a difficult time to be gay; we didn't have the rights we enjoy today, and discrimination was commonplace. With each of us dealing with our own demons and relying on each other for support, our lives at least became more liveable, rich and mostly free from harm. Safety in numbers was our saving grace.

A gay scene was a way of life. Everything we did revolved around our respective sexualities — not because we disliked straight people, but because we were there for each other. Protecting those we loved from the negative aspects of life outside our bubble, in a safe, nurturing environment, was important at a time of change. Peoples attitudes and views of the gay community were slowly transforming, but the politics behind this evolution also created a backlash from the more undesirable elements of society.

I have lost count of the number of times I was personally attacked and abused for being gay. It was a fact of life back then, and we all learnt to accept it. Life was hard, but having each other helped us navigate the harsh world we were now a part of. Many of us retreated into ourselves, avoiding the reality outside. We chose to live in an exclusive gay world, on a scene, because it accorded us the acceptance that most of us never received elsewhere.

Sat here in Australia today, a part of me misses that closeness. Darrell and I are alone, living our life away from the friends we grew up with in the UK and when I speak to people like John, it makes me appreciate the times we spent with him and many others. Every time I speak to people back home, I become sad, regretful and terribly introspective. The less I speak with people like John, the more I am able to block out the way I feel — I suppose silence is my coping mechanism!

I admit moving to Australia at my time of life has been hard. Australians are not as welcoming as the British, and it is difficult building a new life at such an old age. Of course Darrell and I are lucky to have each other, which is more than a lot of people have, but we are always mindful of those we left behind. When you do get older, less able and full of self-reproach, it is important to have others around you, who take your mind off the challenges we all face as we age. Here, in Western Australia, it is Darrell and me against the World, and we have to live with that.

Mentally, it can be exhausting without friendships. As an individual I over-scrutinise, dwell and forever think 'what if'? The feeling I have left my history and upbringing behind, is tough. The real person I am is left in the UK, and I am now coping with a new life, without the reminders of the past. It is almost as if, the longer I am here, the more the memories will disappear and that makes it easier to cope with my new reality.

Reading between the lines, you can tell I am not the happiest person on the planet right now, and I can't deny that fact. I do crave the reminiscences of more eventful and momentous times in my life, but that is only to be expected when you up sticks and move abroad. I do have many reminders of my past with me, not particularly in tangible form, but through digital photographs, that I frequently look at, recalling happy occasions, that keep me grounded in Australia.

This is a new chapter in my life and the most difficult yet. I do miss my gay scene life, the friends, and family who are not here, and the contact we all crave. But, I am fully aware of how better off I am, despite the feelings of loneliness, and yes, at times, isolation. Technology today has helped to keep the nostalgia and conversations alive, and for that I am truly grateful. Coming to terms with my new normal, just as I did during COVID, is a challenge I am happy to endure. This is a time for Darrell and I to shine. This is a period to make money, build a future and nest egg, and it is also a chapter in which to reflect, remember, and hold on to memories the made us the couple we are today.

Life is hard right now, but as I am well aware, nothing lasts forever!

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The Sad Truth About My Christmas This Year!

6/12/2025

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Breast Pain!

30/11/2025

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Best and Worst of British!

22/11/2025

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This week I have seen the best and the worst of Britain. Sometimes I really despair of the country of my birth, and some of the people who call themselves so-called patriots. Before I delve into the darker side of Britain, I wanted to mention 'Best of British', a British shop in Joondalup.

Ever since moving to Perth, I have tried to hold on to the British customs and foods that I hold dear. This can be a difficult task, especially with limited choices in Australian supermarkets. Most of them, including Woolworths, Coles, and IGA, have an international food section, but the offerings vary from store to store. Items I have always bought here in Perth will be on sale one week and not the next. For that reason, I tend to buy in bulk when my favourites are in stock.

Until about eight months ago, Coles stocked Scottish Oatcakes, then suddenly they were gone. I have eaten these for as long as I can remember, and I can't get enough of them. Could I find these anywhere in Western Australia? Could I hell! After writing to the manufacturers, they informed me of a small independent shop in Joondalup, where I could hopefully buy some. So, with Christmas looming, last Monday, Darrell and I made the half-hour trip to this oasis in Perth city, and I wasn't disappointed.

The Oatcakes were $8.95 a box, which, considering the price in the UK, is rather expensive. However, you are paying for the luxury of having items you can't get anywhere else, and there is no price on a box of oatcakes in my humble opinion. I was just delighted to have found them and include them in my daily diet. To all of you, this must seem rather strange, but unless you have ever lived abroad, you really won't understand how the little things make all the difference! I did, however, draw the line at paying $99 for a tin of Quality Street; despite being tempted - One look from Darrell and I thought better of it!

Equally, when I lived in Spain, there was a similar local shop selling British consumables. Like 'Best of British' in Joondalup, 'Quick Save' in Gran Alacant also sold a variety of other items celebrating Britain. This, for me, was the highlight of my visit, and I loaded up with various souvenirs that I wouldn't be able to get anywhere else. I suppose the pricing in Australia was comparable to Gran Alacant, although I haven't lived in Spain for a few years now, so I can't be sure. Brexit would have changed this, I have no doubt, but the fact remains that as an Expat, we expect to pay a premium for goods that are not readily available down under. That isn't a problem for me, certainly when wages are substantially higher here than they are back home.

Quick Save, Gran Alacant

Whether you live in Australia or, like many of my friends, live in Gran Alacant, it is important to keep links to home alive. Small local Expat shops not only sell goods to people like me, but they are also the hub of local communities and play a role in all our lives. I have many happy memories of 'Quick Save' in GA, and I'm sure I will also have many more from 'Best of British' in Perth.

I will always remain British at heart, wherever I am living in the World, it is a part of every aspect of my being. The words I speak, the accent I have, the way I dress, and the morals I hold dear will not change, despite residing in Australia or indeed Spain. The British are a stubborn lot, and we like to keep our bonds with home strong. Food, for me at least, has emotional relevance - from Oatcakes, a bar of Yorkie, or a box of Milk Tray, there is a connection that can never be broken. Life is better when you have the things you love, so I can only thank the lovely ladies at 'Best of British' for their help and hospitality and look forward to seeing them again soon!

With the best bits of the UK out of the way, I just wanted to mention the precarious state of Britain, as I see it right now. Social media is a great place to understand just what is happening in the UK, and it is full of unhappy people demanding that the British PM Sir Keir Starmer, resigns. Not living in Britain, I am not sure just how bad things are and if Starmer is a bad Prime Minister or not, but judging by the dreadful comments I have seen, he isn't popular and has the lowest approval rating of any PM in history.

Speaking as an Expat, with limited access to news from home, relying on Sky and GB News for my daily dose of political debate, I can only recall what I see and hear. The Labour Government appears to be shambolic and chaotic, changing their minds frequently and in part targeting people who can ill afford to pay for the Tory mistakes of the past. Of course, they are constrained by the promises they made to the British electorate before the general election, but they seem tone deaf. Unwilling to listen to voices of discontent, they are stumbling from crisis to crisis, making up policy as they go along, and most importantly, facilitating the rise of the far right and Reform.

The only British news channel I can get on my Aussie smart TV, is GB News. Yes, I've mentioned it before, and I know what you'll say, but I actually enjoy watching it. However, I am under no illusions as to its affiliations and understand the close links it has with Nigel Farage and the Reform Party. For that reason, I am aware of how popular Reform has become, and that shocks me. I may well watch GB News, but I am not far right and detest Reform as a party. It is truly scary to think that Nigel Farage could be the next Prime Minister and all that that entails for the future of my home country.

Farage and Co. lied during the Brexit Referendum, and he continues to lie today. His beliefs are far right, and all of you should be aware of the consequences of your actions. If you vote for this party, you are voting for your own demise and the end of British values as we know them. There is no place for the politics of division in any country, and Britain appears to be more divided than most.

Nigel Farage stokes up hate; you can see it on the news every day. On the surface, he comes across as your friend, but in reality, he is not. Unless you are rich and of his ilk, you will suffer under any Government led by him. You will lose your precious NHS and end up paying for treatment like me. Farage preys on ignorance and stupidity - by smoking a cigarette and drinking a pint in a pub, you think he is like you! HE IS NOT, and you will rue the day you vote for him.

Britain does feel dark, falling apart, ridden with crime and anger. Immigration is out of control, and people are poorer. The cost of living is high, unemployment is rising, and taxes are likely to rise even higher, as the chancellor looks for money to fill the legendary black hole - I am aware of all these things and many more! Farage will not solve these problems; he will add to them. Brexit and the lies he told are responsible for the state of the UK today, not Starmer. The Tories' disastrous time in office has made Britain poorer, the rich richer, and people like you and me looking for alternatives. I still vote in the UK and I have no idea who to lend my vote to next time, but one thing is for certain, it will not be to Reform, their fascist agenda and the politics of hate - the World has seen enough of that!

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Health Anxiety!

16/11/2025

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IBS Flare Up!

8/11/2025

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IBS Flare Up!

1/11/2025

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I have a feeling, I'm not in a great place at the moment. Generally I am feeling pretty unwell — nothing specific, but just a feeling of constant malaise. I just can't put my finger on what is wrong, but I get like this from time to time. IBS has once again reared its ugly head and overtaken my life.

I have suffered from this bloody condition for years; I have great periods when I am pain free, as well as deeply difficult days. I say days, but these flare-ups can last for months, and they really do knock me for six. It's just a feeling, but I think this is going to be a long one for me. I have already begun the process of eliminating certain foods, looking for suitable medication, and more importantly, trying to deal with this god awful thing once and for all.

Being very bodily aware, I knew something was wrong a little over a week ago. I have been having real problems sleeping, so I bought some Magnesium Glycinate to help. I have never tried this stuff before, but after reading about it, it appeared on paper at least, to be just what I was looking for. Surviving on just a few hours sleep each night, even though I am using Melatonin, has been debilitating. I am still waking up at 3am every morning, unable to get back to sleep. This form of magnesium is highly recommended for an insomniac like me, but it just hasn't agreed with my IBS and I have been left doubled over in pain.

Today I awoke at 2.30am and have been awake ever since. For this reason I wasn't even going to blog today, but I felt I had to, just to get some feelings off my chest. A few days after taking the magnesium supplement, I have feeling terrible. My body literally feels like it is shutting down. I have severe abdominal cramps, pain under my left rib, nausea and terrible backache. I have felt this bad before, but not for a long time. As someone who suffers from health anxiety, I have been googling, trying to find answers, to my current state of health and this has just made me feel so much worse.

From kidney failure, gastritis and pancreatitis, to cancer, I have died multiple times this week, as I try to find out why I am feeling so bad. I am sure deep down this is IBS, but as ever, something is telling me to delve deeper, nothing is quite as it seems.

One of the biggest problems with IBS, is the inability to believe that the pain you are suffering from isn't causing physical damage to your organs. The discomfort is that bad at times, you feel like you are dying. I have had every test going over the years, yet Doctors have found nothing. I am just left with a nondescript, vague diagnosis of IBS and told to get on with my life, no matter how hard that is.

This week I have been tired, fatigued, in tremendous pain, and in a very bad place mentally. IBS isn't psychosomatic as many would believe, it is a real, debilitating, agonising diagnosis that never gives up. Unlike other illnesses, IBS has no cure or end date. There isn't even a test to tell you, you have it. The whole diagnosis is based on a process of elimination. When everything else is ruled out, including the more sinister diseases, you are finally given your IBS label. This is a tag you live with for the rest of your life. You have good days and bad days, but when they are bad, they are the worst — nothing compares to IBS pain, and you never truly learn to live with it.

With this terrible week at an end, I am able to lay here on the sofa, with a water bottle on my belly, writing my thoughts down. The best medicine for me is the ability to share my musings with you. The release I feel as I write is unbelievably healing, and I am just grateful to be able to do it.

If you suffer from IBS, like me, you'll understand my pain, and if you ever need a chat, just drop me a message, I'm always here. Chatting about this condition with people who understand the symptoms, is a lifeline at times of great stress. Nobody, including my husband, really understands just what I am going through and for that reason, my writing has become a catalyst for getting well. My ability to blog is a tonic at times when I need it most — without it, I would feel even more alone than I do today.

IBS encompasses so many disorders and defects, that it becomes an almost impossible problem to solve. Failure is my biggest enemy, so as I battle this dreaded indisposition, I am reminded about the time before I was diagnosed and the happy, carefree World that I used to inhabit. This is the marker I need to push me ever onwards, towards a cure, and the ability to exist comfortably, without pain. This is the goal I am determined to achieve, to finally live stress and pain free, and be happy again like I used to, in a time before IBS!

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Clayborne in Thailand and Singapore 2025!

25/10/2025

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Clayborne has been travelling all over the World for six years now and despite his advancing age, he is still very much a part of our travelling abroad. His head is rather wobbly, fur matted and worn, but like us, he keeps going, spreading the message for Cancer Research UK, where it all began in 2019!

Here he is on his latest trip to Singapore and Thailand last month. As ever, I would like to ask my readers to make a donation to Cancer Research UK. This is a charity I worked for and one I continue to support, despite now living in Australia. Please click on Claybornes paw to danate!

Please click my paw to donate to Cancer Research UK!

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Reflections, Three Years On!

25/10/2025

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I haven't composed a written blog in a while, so I've decided to put pen to paper, as it were, and write a few words today. Enjoying a long weekend, does afford me the opportunity to sit and think about what to say. I suppose you could call today's blog, 'non-specific', because today I am writing down, what ever comes to mind — off the cuff comments about my life in Australia, and just how I'm feeling this weekend.

Darrell and I have been in Australia for a little over three years now and have achieved a lot during our time in Perth. More than anything, we are lucky enough to have been able to buy a house, at a time when Australia is suffering from a housing crisis, worse than anything in The UK. Recently, I was told in no uncertain terms, that in all probability, I wouldn't be able to buy a house in Perth today, and it's easy to see why.

Prices are out of control in this isolated part of the world. Since COVID-19, the lack of housing has become a crisis. Perth itself has the most expensive rental market in the whole country, and prices are rising faster than inflation. A house like ours would let easily for $600 a week, and I just can't imagine how anyone can afford to rent a property here, let alone buy one.

Since buying our current home, the value has more than doubled and continues to rise daily. I remember when we first moved here, applying for flats to rent, joining long queues of people waiting to view this property or that, and thinking to myself, what a mistake we had made moving to Australia. Thankfully, we didn't have to rent, and after speaking to our amazing Bank Manager, we were more than able to afford to buy a three-bedroom villa, near to Darrell's Mum.

Of course, I have filled our house with lots of stuff, as you would expect from a maximalist like me, and it feels very much like a home now. We haven't done much to this place since moving in, preferring instead to spend our money on travelling. Look, I would love to have a perfectly polished home, but at my age, I believe it is more important to enjoy life, and use our house in Western Australia as a base. The villa is large by British standards, functional, and offers us all the space we need. Darrell has one side of the house and I have the other, which works out fantastically well for us.

Despite being settled and secure, we continue to regard travel as our number one priority. Living in Australia can of course make this rather challenging, especially when you live in Perth. However, we are spending our time travelling through Asia, which just happens to be our favourite part of the World. To date we have seen most countries in the region, and will be exploring Japan early next year. Eventually we would like to travel further afield, but as a nervous flyer, I would rather stay within a 5 or six hour flight limit. Japan is certainly a longer journey than this, but it is a destination on both our bucket lists, that we need to see before we get too old.

In 2027, I plan to fly back to the UK to see my Father and possibly attend my 40th school reunion. This will give me an opportunity to catch up with friends and family also, and hopefully stop off in Europe along the way. It is true to say I miss my country of birth, but I really miss Europe even more. Having lived in Spain for several years, I understand the European way of life and crave the lifestyle it offers.

Australia is so far from the rest of the World, that at times it feels like a whole different planet. Despite our two countries English roots, we are poles apart in every other respect. Australians are very insular people and not as welcoming as the British, or indeed the Expat community in Spain. Darrell and I do feel extremely lonely at times and look back to our days living in Southampton, Portsmouth, and Gran Alacant with fondness. Someone once asked me if I loved Australia; after thinking about it for a minute, I had to say no! I like this country for everything it has done for me and the opportunities it has given both of us, but I hate the loneliness and the deep sense of loss I feel.

If circumstances had been different, Darrell and I wouldn't be here. We would still be happily (or not) living in Britain, surrounded by friends and family. I'm not sure our lives would be as comfortable as they are now, but we would have a large network of contacts around us. As I grow older, I find people more important, and I wish we had a wider circle of friends. It is difficult for outsiders to make strong connections here, especially at 55 years old. As a wise Australian once confirmed, Aussies make their friends in high school and tend not to deviate from that group. When two older gay men arrive from Europe, with little or no support, then life is going to be tough —certainly tougher than it would have been, had we stayed in Britain.

As Darrell and I look forward to a new adventure in May, travelling to Osaka and Kyoto, we are both aware of just how far we have come in such a short space of time. Naturally we are grateful to Australia for all it has given us, as we navigate this new life down under, but we are also regretful for everyone we have left behind. I miss my Father every day and always look forward to hearing from friends back home. I am sad we don't have a satisfying lifestyle here, but I hope, even now, given time, that will change. In the meantime, both of us will continue to strive for a better and more productive future. Keeping our hopes and dreams alive, at a time when we need them most, is important — we obviously have each other, Mum, and a few close friends. These are quite simply the people who matter, everything else takes second place.