I have been fortunate to spend time with friends during the last week. Usually I am working non-stop and get very little time to myself, but having two weeks off, with nowhere to go, I have been able to make time for people who matter. I am very 'picky' about those I choose to mix with these days; based on previous experience it is a necessary fact of life. Having said that it was great see two people who mean a lot to me.

Last Thursday I was able to spend the evening with my mate from work James, someone I have grown very fond of over the last few years here in Portsmouth. He makes me laugh and always holds a good conversation. He was someone I always looked forward to seeing, until he moved departments about a year ago. Both of us have been meaning to get together for a drink, so I am grateful I had the time this week.

Ten cocktails each at Gunwarf Quays in Southsea, plenty of gossip and chatter and for the first time in months, I felt relaxed and happy to be in the company of someone other than family. I have to find more time to spend with friends, I know that, but with Darrell in Australia I do find it difficult. James cheered me up no end and put a smile back on my face, which was most definitely needed!

From a relatively new friend, to someone I have known for many years.  I met Ramona in 1992, nearly thirty years ago, and we hit it off almost immediately. Attending University together, we were inseparable, spending every free moment together. I suppose Ramona knows me nearly as much as my husband; our history goes back a generation; we spent many happy times together.

I haven't seen as much of Ramona as I should in recent years, our lives went in very different directions. She was most certainly the sensible one and managed to reign me back from oblivion on many occasions. During this pandemic, we once again got in contact and very much continued where we left off, as we always do.  Meeting on Sunday was probably just what we both needed. Many of my issues resonate with Ramona, and we were able to talk about subjects only we could understand.

It was great to get out of Portsmouth for a bit as well and go for a wonderful meal at The Chilworth Arms, my favourite gastro pub, near Southampton. The food is always delicious, beautifully presented and piping hot. Although the price is a little more expensive at £17.95, compared to a typical Carvery for Sunday lunch, the experience is worth every penny. It was the perfect atmosphere to chat, catch up, remember the last thirty years and enjoy each other's company, as we always do.

Back in Portsmouth, we were able to take a brisk four mile walk along Southsea sea front, perfect for blowing away the cobwebs. It was reassuring to speak to Ramona about my current thoughts and feelings, something I can't often do with others. She has always been a good listener and great at giving advice, even if I didn't always take it. Being reminded of the past, especially now is comforting. It is certainly a reminder that things won't always be this way and the World will eventually get back to normal. Unable to hug as we used to, we have at least made arrangements to see each other once a month, as long as we can; friendship is important now, more than ever, COVID is testimony to that!

I am currently in the middle of a two-week holiday from work. Darrell was due to fly to the UK for our 25th Anniversary last week, but as we all know, circumstances have prevented us being reunited after ten months apart. Like most couples in our position, we are doing what we can to make the most of our difficult situation. With the second wave of the pandemic sweeping through the country, it is likely we won't be able to see each other for a long time yet and are trying to work out a plan to overcome any worst case scenario. My Member of Parliament is on our case and after speaking with Darrell over the last seven days, I have suggested his West Australian MP also gets involved, hopefully working with mine and the Home Office to come up with an acceptable resolution for both of us. Only time will tell, if this strategy works!

Last Wednesday I went to see my Father, the first time I have seen him since the pandemic broke in March of this year. I am still very reluctant to be in his company; I have three jobs and mix with a lot of different people, so the risks of exposure I encounter every day are more than I would like. However, my Father had arranged for us to talk socially distanced, in his conservatory, and we had a lot to discuss.

I haven't seen eye to eye with Dad recently, so it was the perfect opportunity to make my views count and clear up a few misconceptions. We talked for a good few hours about a number of different subjects; for the first time in my life, I was able to explain my feelings about my life growing up gay and just how it had affected my mental well-being. To be honest, like most parents, I don't think he fully understood just what I went through as a child, nevertheless this was an important first conversation to have and it felt as if we had started to lay ghosts to rests.

It wasn't until recently that I realised just what role my past has played in my life, especially during the last few years. Many of the health issues I have now, begun during a particularly traumatic childhood; coming to terms with them, has pushed me towards finally confronting my demons. Despite this, their significance has remained a constant source of angst and become a brutal reminder of a past I would rather forget in most respects.

It was important to speak with Dad about topics rarely discussed, we still don't fully understand each others point of view, but have certainly started the process of moving forwards positively. There are many things I want to forget and this is just the beginning of that conversation. In time, I hope both of us will finally understand one another.

After another GI diagnosis last Thursday and ongoing pain, I have decided to radically change my diet. I have been feeling so sick in recent times, that this is the only course of action I feel I can take now, to try and ease my symptoms. I have so many Gastric issues, that I really am not sure what to do for the best, but I have started by removing most meat from my diet and have begun the process of transferring to a predominantly plant based diet. This sounds great on the surface and not too difficult to achieve, but when one factors in all my problems it is actually a nightmare.

Keeping meat to a minimum should help to reduce my digestive predicament. Meat is probably the hardest food to consume, for me at least, so anything that reduces this ongoing hurdle is welcome. I have also discovered I can no longer eat dairy and am possibly lactose intolerant, but will have to undergo further tests to find out for sure. Gluten is another area of concern, which seems to be eased by only eating sourdough bread. Then there is IBS, and that is the most demanding condition of all. There is so much I can't eat any more - spicy food to onions, garlic, chocolate and fatty foods, processed and sugary comestibles, curry, chilli and heavy sauces. The difficulty breaking down fat, probably has more to do with my recent diagnosis of gall stones than anything, but it is an extra element to this GI dilemma.

The hiatus hernia, also has its fair share of demands and I have had to give up alcohol, except for a very occasional drink and large portions of food, which are hard to metabolise. The hernia has caused some swallowing difficulties, so I have to chew my food longer and more thoroughly, drinking water after every mouthful; life is becoming such a chore right now. Finally, Diverticular Disease; This has its own unique set of challenges - beans, certain fruit and vegetables and any food that is fermented is detrimental to my constitution. Added together, I am living through a torment, that never seems to end.

Tonight I cooked a soya bolognaise, used celery instead of onions, peppers, mushrooms and plenty of spinach and it tasted OK, just OK. There wasn't a lot of flavour to it, so I need to find an IBS friendly spice to give it a bit of oomph in the future. I did put a few teaspoons of Marmite in, which did help, but it just had something missing. Cooking for all the conditions I have is going to be difficult, but I am determined not to give up. I'm not able to have the necessary procedures to solve my gastric contentions presently, so will continue very much in the same vein as I am now.

The COVID pandemic has only made my life harder, unable to access many of the services that would help me right now, but I hope, in time, as we move towards the post Coronavirus World, I will finally be able to get to grips with my gastric symptoms. None of these conditions are deadly, but my quality of life has been severely hampered and a determination to get back to normal is the motivation that spurs me ever onwards, every day, hoping to beat the demons that currently plague my thoughts!

Thursday, I attended an ultrasound appointment at a decidedly empty St Mary's Treatment Centre in Portsmouth. This latest consultation is yet another in a long line, as I try and get to grips with my IBS diagnosis. As a rule an IBS sufferer would not have to undergo such a series of comprehensive tests, but as I approach fifty years of age, it is important that my GP rules out anything sinister that may account for the severity of my symptoms. I have been suffering from a number of gastrointestinal issues for several years now, ever since I was prescribed a course of antibiotics to treat a particularly nasty UTI; my gut health just hasn't been the same since.

I was diagnosed with diverticular disease several years ago, after undergoing a sigmoidoscopy; I thought I finally had a diagnosis, that with careful management, would lead to a more comfortable life. Eating the right foods and other lifestyle changes, should go a long way in helping me live with the common condition. It really isn't unusual for someone of my age to suffer from this disorder; a western diet and behaviours all contribute towards the small pouches that form in the sigmoid colon, creating discomfort, occasional infection and sporadic complications. However, the pain I was experiencing, didn't conform to the stereotypical norms for this indisposition.

I decided to try and find answers, as to what exactly was going on. The Doctors constantly put my GI malaise and anxiety down to IBS, as they frequently do, when they can't find answers. To be honest it was easy to see why, I have all the classic symptoms, which do seem to be exacerbated by stress. A prescription of Mebeverine, Buscopan, probiotic pills and enzymes were given, but did little to ease the symptoms. I changed my diet, discovering by accident that I was lactose intolerant. I stopped eating normal bread, swapping to Sour Dough alternatives instead and significantly reduced my intake of fatty, sugary and spicy foods. This dramatic change has actually helped a lot, and I am no longer suffering from the extreme complications I used to experience; nevertheless, something inside was telling me there was more to this and I continued to seek answers.

Three months ago I was taken to Hospital, in the middle of this pandemic, with a suspected heart attack and was given a series of tests to determine the cause of the agony. Eventually the A&E Doctor came back to me with a Hiatal Hernia diagnosis, and I was immediately prescribed Omeprazole to help with the intense pain. The effectiveness of this drug soon waned, and I was given a twice daily dose of Lansoprazole instead, which thankfully does its job and I have little ongoing irritation and even less flare-ups than I used too. Once again, I thought I finally had the answer and hoped things would start to get back to normal; nothing could be further from the truth, and my symptoms just got worse, prompting me to insist that my GP does everything he can to get to the bottom of this saga.

It has been difficult and challenging trying to get answers during this COVID pandemic, but my surgery have been amazing at helping me try to solve this GI jigsaw. I have had blood, urine and stool tests as well as physical examinations, but am still no clearer as to what is going on. Recently, after a terrible bout of pain I filled in an online form at my surgery urging my GP to refer me for an ultrasound, a procedure I had read about online and something that could shed further light on my problems. He agreed to my request and I went for the scan on Thursday this week.

During the ultrasound, which did hurt it has to be said, the consultant discovered I had gallstones and said it was likely my gall bladder would have to be removed, as these small stones would otherwise keep coming back. She reassured me this was perfectly normal and would be carried out during keyhole surgery, stressing that you can live quite happily without the gall bladder. Again I was given yet another piece in the GI jigsaw I have been trying to put together, but whether this is the end of the matter, I very much doubt.

Because we are living through a pandemic, I am not able to have an endoscopy and further sigmoidoscopy recommended by my Doctor, so I still don't have a full picture of my circumstances. I have no idea when any operation will be scheduled, because all non-essential surgical interventions are on hold, but I am at least happier I am beginning to understand the issues, that have been affecting me over the last few years. Everyone I have spoken to and discussed my problems with, thought I was overreacting I am sure, saying my anxiety was responsible for the pain, but I know now that wasn't the case, and I was right to pursue answers. I do have IBS, but there are clearly other factors at play here; as the consultant said on Thursday, 'I will probably see a reduction in symptoms, when all the gastrointestinal problems are solved,' muddling through temporarily, until I can finally breathe happily again. Too often we are fobbed off and discouraged from seeking answers to problems, that can all to easily be defined as IBS. It is up to us to insist, scream and shout if necessary, in order to feel well and alive once again, getting the treatment we deserve and care that is so often lacking! 

Today, the Governments new 'rule of six' has been introduced across the nation. No more than six people are allowed to meet together, as the number of UK Coronavirus cases rise to more than three thousand a day. It is clear we are heading towards a second COVID wave and the coming weeks will determine the course of this deadly virus. Whether the public take notice of this new directive, only time will tell, but I don't have high hopes. Walking around the streets of Portsmouth over the last few days, just before 'the rule of six' came into force, I was shocked by the number of people in the streets, partying, as if nothing was going on!

Like most people, I am confused by everything that has been implemented thus far. I have no idea if we should still be following the 'bubble' strategy that was introduced months ago, allowing households to socialise with other single people, or if we can still meet in groups outside in an open space, following social distancing rules. The truth is, I no longer understand what is going on. I am so bewildered by this whole fiasco, that I am no longer following any of the laws introduced by this Government and that's not for want of trying. It's not that I set out to break the rules, but rather, I find it impossible to decipher them sufficiently.

At the height of the Coronavirus pandemic, the Government reported information daily. All of us were able to listen to Ministers explain the situation and tried to follow what we were being told to do. Despite my misgivings, I did my best to conform to the new normal and applied the edicts to my life as well as I could. Don't get me wrong I still felt muddled at the chaotic advice, but at least I was given enough information to make an informed decision about what I should do.

Today there are no scheduled daily briefings and the information we have is confusing and lacking detail. There are so many rules and regulations at play now, that I have lost the will to live. If I am disoriented, then God knows how the rest of you feel. I have always taken and interest in politics and current affairs and watch the news several times a day, so for someone, who shows no interest in international events, there must be even more exasperation. I find myself shrugging and throwing my hands in the air, irritated and aggravated, more often now than ever, and I am not the only one.

Whoever I talk to, I am struck by the lack of understanding on the pandemic guidelines, designed to make us all safe. I was given different answers and interpretations of processes that should have been easy to understand. How can this Government expect us to toe the line, when Ministers interviewed on television don't understand the implications themselves. This is a Government that picks and choses their own directives to follow, yet expects us to do as we are told,  without question. If I understood just what was expected of me, then I would have no issue, but I don't and am sick of the empty platitudes, patronising campaigns and lack of clarity. This is a Government that has failed and doesn't deserve our support; I feel ashamed to call myself British!

I will continue doing what I always do; I will limit contact with friends and family, as I have always done, wear a mask in public places and keep two meters away from others. I do not comprehend the concept of 'bubbles' or 'the rule of six' so have dismissed their relevance in my life. All I do is work, eat and sleep, I don't socialise or have close apposition with anyone and that will remain. My life has become dull and boring, without laughter and joy and that makes me sad, but without my husband home with me, that will always be the case; I am really just going through the motions, staying safe and waiting for the end of this terrible time in my life. My advice to all of you, is do what you think is best. You all understand the risks and the need to wash hands and socially distance, you don't need an inept Government telling you accordingly. When all this is over, look back at your response and feel proud of your efforts, unlike Boris and his motley crew of bandits who lost the plot months ago!

Darrell and I have always been inseparable, rarely spending anytime apart, despite coming from different parts of the World. Our biggest battles always revolved around remaining together, no matter what the circumstances. There were many milestones, that contributed to our outlook on life and despite the obstacles in our way, we never once considered giving up on each other.

I have always been a determined character and when I put my mind to something, I can achieve everything I wish for. As a gay man, I had to work harder than most to realise my dreams and more often than not, everything I did, no matter how hard I tried, ended in abject failure. The one aspect of my life I could always rely upon and be proud about, was my relationship, and the belief I have in partnership, between two individuals, no matter what their sexuality. I suppose I always looked towards my parents for an example in this regard, who remained together, despite what transpired in their life, up until Mum's death last year.

Darrell is a husband, but he is also a soul mate. We are very different personalities, but essentially our perspective on life is the same. Our relationship is the most important foundation; the Linch-pin that holds both of us together, even in the most arduous of circumstances. 'Lesser mortals' couldn't have endured the hardships we have and still remained the strong unit we are today. Together we can achieve anything we put our minds to, even if the ending isn't always as we would have liked.

It is true to say, we have failed more times than I care to remember, the resulting pain and anguish has always taught us much about human nature and more importantly ourselves, as we claw our way back to a semblance of normality once again. The process of fighting, struggling and resistance is often difficult to overcome, but no matter what the circumstances, we have always, without fail, managed to rebuild and restart our lives. Most of us have knock backs along the way, but when you consider our backgrounds, sexuality and lack of support, we have suffered more than most. Nobody told me how bumpy the ride would be when I met Darrell, if they had, maybe I would have thought twice, but the fact is, no one can tell you who to fall in love with; love does indeed conquer all.

I still believe in happy endings, and  hope we will live happily ever after, even when the odds are stacked against us. We will never have the security my parents enjoyed, and will always struggle for every penny we earn, but ultimately we can find peace together. Whether we are living in a caravan in Spain, a flat in a tower block or a tent in a field, we will have each other. The pull of dreams unfulfilled and the memories of times, when we did accomplish all we desired, the travelling around the World and people we met, lived, loved, cried and fought with, is a reminder of what it is like to live, really live and experience a life that others could only dream of.

When we speak to each other once a week, we can put the World to rights, discuss our hopes and fears for the future and encourage each other to do better. As we try and comprehend this strange new planet we now inhabit, positivity, strength of character and a desire to succeed, should gently push us towards a destiny where fortune prevails.... Even if it doesn't! All we need is time, a bit of luck and a belief in ourselves, then maybe, just maybe we'll be winners once again!

Yesterday I overheard a conversation between two men, discussing the 'sunflower lanyard' scheme. People with hidden disabilities can wear one around their neck, when out and about, alerting others around them about a hidden disability they may have. For someone who works in a shop like me, it is invaluable. It communicates a message, telling me that someone may need some extra help when shopping, or indicating they are exempt from wearing a mask while walking through a public space.

I have spoken to many customers and friends alike, who have experienced abuse and attacks from others during this pandemic, for not covering their faces. These may include people who suffer with COPD or a young adult who suffers from a panic disorder, where a face covering could cause lasting damage and harm. These are the people who are targeted for not following Government guidelines, shouted and screamed at by others who do not understand their 'hidden disability' and targeted for their vulnerability.

Supermarkets like Tesco offer free 'sunflower lanyards' to shoppers who genuinely can't adorn a mask, allowing them the ability to shop in relative peace and comfort, knowing they won't be confronted by an irate bystander, who doesn't understand their plight. I am a true champion of this innovate project and am thankful it exists at a time when we really need it. Vulnerable adults and children need to be protected now, more than ever, this simple strategy goes a long way to ensure this happens.

After listening to this one-sided conversation for a few minutes, calling those who wear lanyards 'fakers' and not truly having a  disability at all, I'm afraid I lost it, telling him exactly what I thought of him, producing a lanyard from my own pocket. This thoroughly unpleasant man, someone who I have had to listen to in the past, frequently, seemed a little rattled by my intervention and soon left.

I make no apologies for standing up for all those who suffer with a hidden disability, it disgusts me that someone would even dare to challenge vulnerable individuals who owe people like him no explanation, as to why they aren't wearing a mask. Sometimes you just have to stand up for what is right, no matter what the consequences. What's more, this grotesque individual was shouting at the top of his booming voice, in close proximity of others, without wearing a face covering himself. He would turn round and say it didn't have to wear one because of where he was, rather like those he was lambasting publicly, due to their exemption; hypocrisy at its worst.

If you do have a reason for not wearing a mask, please go to participating outlets, like Tesco, where you will be given a lanyard to help you during your future shopping trips. If you are ever confronted or aggressed, report the incident and above all don't take the abuse thrown at you, bullying is wrong under all circumstances and no one has the right to challenge you for protecting your health!