I'm not enjoying this now, I have just about had enough of it all; am I the only person who feels like this at the moment? I am not talking about having to follow the rules, which I am happy to do, I am talking about other people ignoring guidelines and laws designed to protect them. When will people understand the ramifications of this bloody virus; it is killing people, every day, hundreds and hundreds of people, and yet they still break the rules. I am really at a loss to understand the mentality of those anti-vaxers, COVID deniers and rule breaks, it really beggars belief!

I have had a busy week, so much so, I haven't even been able to speak to Darrell. We usually put some time aside for each other, but it has just been impossible over the last seven days. The time difference is beginning to get to me and if I am brutally honest I am sick and tired of our long distant relationship. It really shouldn't have to be this way, it's only because of those at the top, that we have been separated in the first place. Having to constantly live your life around immigration rules has always been a challenge, from day 1, but as I approach my 50th Birthday, I would have hoped our life together would have changed, and we would be free to live as we want. Today however, in the midst of a pandemic our relationship is more restricted than ever!

Nearly a year on from the beginning of the COVID crisis, I am struggling, more than I have done for a long time. A few days ago I was informed a friend from my dim and distant past has passed away from COVID-19. This was a person I knew well as a young adult; he was fit and healthy, (far more than I) and was always full of life. He was several years younger than me and his loss has hit me far more than I would have expected. I haven't seen him for many years, but the impact of his death has shown me, just how vulnerable we all are, yet there are still people who 'just don't get it!'

Feeling extra sensitive and angry, I lost my temper yesterday, with someone I shouldn't have. Of course, I did it for the right reasons, because I felt they were in a situation that left them exposed to transmission of the virus. When someone you know dies, the thoughts and feelings you experience are difficult to decipher. I don't know how I am supposed to act, but it just wants me to protect those closest even more, even if I do shout and scream from time to time.

I would really love to know the psychology behind those who ignore rules and only think about themselves. Blatantly, it is a typical mark of sociopathic behaviour, but not all of them can have this trait. I did read an article recently about people who just refuse to wear masks, not those who can't, but those who just won't, and it was quite eye-opening. Most of these people have anti-social characteristics and understand the implications of not be protected. You can see the culprits as you scroll through social media, read about their partying, while others shield and isolate. You can see their genuine disdain for authority and their friends, family and neighbours as they stick two fingers up to the rest of us. These are the worst people in society, those who cause harm to others and those who are at least in part, responsible for spreading this virus through communities. Yes the Government has made mistakes, but they are not responsible for reckless behaviour that endangers all of us, as we fight to live another day.

Some days are better than others; all of us have our ups and downs and there are times I remain upbeat, despite everything falling apart around me. As a person I am usually an optimist; to be honest, anyone who blogs every day, with little or no recognition, has to have a modicum of sanguineness, in order to just get through the next entry. Writing allows me to express and offload my feelings, which has been a lifesaver during this pandemic. It has stopped me becoming an alcoholic, taking up smoking and eating myself out of house and home, it has given me a creative outlet during one of the most stressful periods of my life.

When I see the surrounding self-destruction, the lack of empathy, the aggressive confrontations and incredulous misinformation, I am reminded how lucky I am. I read, research and understand, I don't believe in mendacity and I dismiss ramblings from discredited sources. Fake news and conspiracy theories, that dominate the lives of those who believe in the machinations of the influential few, have now become so dangerous, that it is safer to say nothing at all. The voices of the hoi polloi, the masses who follow the rules are growing weaker, as the more bombastic, blustering inflated egos shout ever louder. Maybe it's time us plebeians stood up and faced down the onslaught of prevarication.

Today I was finally able to talk to Darrell on my one and only day off this week. It feels good to offload how I feel with my husband, rather than writing it down on a blog. Both of us, like all of you are feeling the fatigue virtually a year on, but we still remain positive for the future, even if we don't always sound upbeat. Our priority is to stay safe, protect ourselves and our family and continue fighting for our future together. When I shout, express an opinion or let off steam; when I wear a mask, sanitise my hands every few minutes or try and keep two meters apart, it's because I want to see my partner again. I want my family to stay safe, my dreams to stay alive and above all I want to live my life again!

Today, thinking about what to write, I find myself a little stumped. For the first time in God knows how long, I just can't think of anything to mention, that is causing me concern, or something else I just need to get off my chest. As weeks go, it has been a pretty mundane one for me, and although the World seems to be imploding around us, I have just blocked out most of the bad stuff and concentrated on me for a change.

Usually I would be glued to the television, absorbing the Coronavirus news and expressing a view on the Governments handling of the virus, but today, I just don't have an opinion. I've been feeling rather apathetic about the whole sorry saga if I am honest, and often feel I am banging my head against a brick wall. Of course, I express opinions on social media, just like everyone else, which doesn't always go down well. My sentiments are not shared by everyone and I get upset at their lack of respect for all key workers working hard during this pandemic. Sometimes, I just have to bite my tongue and ignore the Covidiots, as much as I would like to take them to task.

I had to go to the opticians this week to get my eyes tested, not something I particularly wanted to do in the current climate, but absolutely necessary, considering how bad my eyesight has got in recent times. Dizzy spells, blurred vision and headaches, have been plaguing my life, especially since April 2020. Naturally I am concerned about why this is happening, and I have tried different things, to find the cause, including stopping medication. I have managed to reduce the beta blocker  medication, Propranolol I have been prescribed by two thirds and  have stopped taking my blood pressure medication altogether. This may well seem dangerous to some, but I am continuing to monitor my blood pressure almost daily and so far there doesn't seem to be any detrimental effects.

On top of this change of regime, I have stopped smoking and drinking, and I am doing all I can to stay healthy. Obviously because of IBS, I have also had to adjust my diet and I did have concerns that the gallbladder disease I have, may also be contributing towards malabsorption issues, thus causing dizziness through lack of nutrients. Supplements of magnesium, to counteract the lansoprazole I have to take, vitamin D, a probiotic pill and enzyme tablets to help with the food intolerances, have not worked as well as I would have expected, but I do have good days and I just hope I get to the bottom of my ongoing troubles soon.

Attending the opticians was a chore in itself, greeted by staff in full PPE and having to undergo a more invasive test than I would have liked. Sat there as the optometrist moved close to my face, shining a bright light into my eyes, I literally grimaced under my mask. I haven't been that close to anyone in over a year, and it was a rather uncomfortable feeling. I did ask him, in a rather light-hearted way, if he was safe, to which he replied  'are you?' He assured me he was tested regularly, and I was as safe as I could be under the circumstances. I can't say I was suitably  reassured, but, I was resigned to the fact, that life does have to carry on.

No significant issues, pointing towards a sinister reason for my dizziness and disorientation was found, and I was left none the wiser about my current state of health. My eyesight has deteriorated since my last test and I ordered new glasses in a procedure highlighting the strange times we are living through - sanitizing lenses, plastic gloves and socially distancing, whilst trying to be fitting for new spectacles. Forty-five minutes later, I breathed a sigh of relief and was out of there, another diagnostic done, many more on the way.

My next appointment is to undergo cardiac assessments and investigations at the end of this month and I should hopefully be a step closer to understanding just what is happening. Until then, I am working harder than ever, have very little time to myself and am glad to keep busy. Like everyone else I am looking forward to the end of winter and a move towards better days, constantly aware of the dangers that lurk around every corner and hopeful the measures I take to keep myself safe, continue to pay dividends!

Stay safe everyone!

When I got home from work last night, I was greeted by scenes of absolute carnage in America. As a 'newshound' I can often sit watching rolling news programmes all day, so I always switch on the television when I get home after my shift; last night I was shocked by the appalling drama unfolding, as 'Trump' protesters stormed the Capitol building in Washington. This was yet another example of the tumultuous times we are currently living through; there seems to be no let up in the never ending spectacle engulfing the World at the moment. For someone like me, who has my own personal demons to fight, this was just another World event, that slid straight off my back; I hardly blinked an eye.

2020 was a terrible year, a time all of us just want to forget. Not one day has passed without me feeling anxious and worried; there hasn't been one minute, when I haven't thought about the pandemic and the dreadful state of the World, we all now inhabit. This horrifying juncture has brought our own mortality hurtling headlong into our thoughts, there is literally no getting away from the death that surrounds us every day. I think each of us was hoping for a better, more subtle and calming start to 2021, but nothing could be further from the truth.

The first week of the new year has seen Britain return to a full national lockdown. A new variant of the Coronavirus is ravaging the population of these islands, just yesterday there were 1041 deaths and over 62000 new cases reported. We are in a very dangerous period, where no one is certain of the outcome. This new development in the life of COVID-19, is another terrible milestone in this pandemic and without a lockdown, the National Health Service would have been over run and thousands upon thousands of people would have lost their lives. As it stands now, it is likely we will reach the grim prospect of 100,000 deaths in a relatively short space of time.

In normal times, the behaviour of a far right fascist President of the United States, would be even more shocking than it is today. However, like most people I have become rather desensitised to the madness in the Whitehouse. The four years this man has been in power, has seen a gradual erosion of standards in public life. His views on equality, race, women and sexuality has descended into a quagmire, a cesspit of disgusting views, violent incitement and other wordly vitriol. This man has brought the American Presidency and the country to its knees. The loss of respect for this once great nation is clear for all to see; the burning embers of anger shroud this narcissistic tyrant and expose him for this bigot he truly is.

During our conversation this morning, Darrell and I spoke about events around the globe, as we always do. He said how he didn't recognise the World any more and like me remains in a state of apprehension about the future. I feel like I am living through a terrible nightmare at the moment, one with no end in site. Everything I believe in - respect for others, dignity, fairness, equality and common decency just doesn't exist any more. People no longer care for their friends and neighbours, ignore warnings about the pandemic, cheer on a President who epitomises hate and trample over anyone who gets in their way. This is not a World I understand or want to be a part of, this is a violent, uncaring, dispassionate and impervious Earth, crumbling under pressure, dying before our very eyes.

This is only the beginning of 2021, there is plenty of time to end this year on a high. COVID vaccines are rolling out across this country, over a million and a half people have had the jab already. Joe Biden has been duly elected as the 46th President of the United States and will usher in a new term of reconciliation and statesmanship, returning sobriety to the office of the President. There is also a repeat of 'clapping for heroes,' beginning tonight, showing respect for our key workers during this pandemic and on a personal note, I am finally looking forward to seeing Darrell this year. A year that has started at such a low point, can illuminate the path to enlightenment and a return to normality, after  such a period of anguish. Let's make this year the best ever and lay this awful time to rest!

I've had a number of things on my mind recently, especially over the last few days, with the dawn of Brexit. Darrell and I intended to return to Spain to live, once this pandemic is over. It is a country we both love and were proud to call it home for several happy years. I often think of my time there and the friends I left behind. Both of us worked harder than anyone to achieve our resident status, retaining our respective residency permits, even today. It does look as though Brexit may well have changed all that, and a return to our old life in Gran Alacant, is just an unobtainable dream.

After looking into the subject of residencia, it would appear our Spanish status has already lapsed, because we have been outside the country too long. This isn't entirely set in stone of course, and I have messaged a legal representative to discover if we would have to reapply for residency, or if we could carry on where we left off. Our intention was always to return one day, once our family circumstances had changed and the pandemic was over, but we just aren't sure if it is viable any more.

Both of us fought very hard for our aspirational life and neither of us want to give it up that easily, but the truth is it may not be right for us now, as it was when we left in 2016. Neither of us are getting any younger and my reliance on the National Health Service, since I returned to Britain has been palpable. I'm not sure I would be able to have access to the Spanish system in quite the same way. Navigating the health care system in Spain, was proving difficult, whilst I was living in Gran Alacant; when my social security contribution was cancelled by my employer, without informing me, I was left with little choice, but to get private health insurance, of a sort.

The expense involved for Darrell and I, having to fund my own health care, was particularly hard. Having to work in a job, that was out of my comfort zone was also difficult, especially when you have an employer who lacked the dignity, compassion and empathy of a decent organisation, with morals and a real sense of direction and purpose. Struggling on the Spanish minimum wage, having to deal with unscrupulous svengali type characters, is not something I want to have to do in my fifties.

Both Darrell and I still have our hopes for the future, and they remain very much the same as they always have done. We continue to be travellers at heart and do not want to live in the UK full time. We have never really settled anywhere, buying property in France, living in Australia and Spain as well as moving to the north. I suppose Spain became the closest to the home I have always wanted, but that's not to say we can't have that somewhere else, abroad, with a better climate, more congruous to our way of thinking.

I have a feeling that the end of Britain's membership of the EU will be the beginning of a new adventure for both of us. When things get back to normal, we will once again have to make a decision about where our future lies. Brexit may well have closed European doors, but it has opened many more as a result. There is a whole World out there and if Spain or any other Continental nation isn't a possibility, then moving further a field maybe the answer. There are many parts of the planet we haven't explored, and we may just keep travelling forever, only settling when circumstances so desire. For now all dreams are open, all destinations a probability!

Well here we are, the end of 2020, and I couldn't be happier to say goodbye to this terrible year. I am still in self-isolation, after my COVID exposure on 21 December, which has been driving me mad it has to be said. My period of quarantine ends tonight at 11.59, just in time for the new year. Like most people I won't be celebrating, so it isn't too much of an issue for me. Listening to the news earlier, it's clear all celebrations are cancelled across the country, with no firework displays, parties and events. This will be a strange night, very different to years gone by, and I will be in bed by 9pm for an early shift at work and my first day back tomorrow!

This is the second period of isolation I have had to do during this pandemic, and it really doesn't get any easier. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy having time to myself, but being confined indoors, not being able to leave the house, really does take its toll on ones sense of well-being, both physically and mentally. I have managed to catch up on my writing; I'm In the middle of writing my life story, even though it isn't finished quite yet... The book that is, not my life and I have also started reading again, a distraction I rarely have time for these days.

I have also let myself go somewhat, spending the last week in my Pyjamas and not shaving as I normally would every day; well what's the point, I'm only rattling around at home. I've also caught up with friends and family on the phone and had a well-earned rest. Watching television has also taken up a lot of my time, keeping up-to-date with the latest on the pandemic, which seems to be getting worse every day; formidably so!

People say to me, you spend too much time thinking about this damn pandemic, and I can't disagree. I have always had an interest in current affairs and politics, but this time it's more than that, it's personal. It may sound stupid, but the reality is, I don't want to end up ill or dead before I see Darrell again. I am truly scared that this virus will stop our relationship in its tracks, not because we will end up separating, that will never happen, but because of circumstances beyond our control.

Both of us have always been in control of our destiny together and when you are separated against your will, you have all sorts of thoughts and feelings slushing around your head. It feels like a pool of water, constantly shifting, moving, agitating against the sides of my skull, frequently keeping me awake and my mind active, sometimes paused ever so slightly, for a few seconds, just to burst back into life once more. This terrible virus has given me far too much time to think and my emotions are deeply skewed because of it!

Once again my procrastination has got to me and I need to get back to work, in the real World, no matter how bad things are at the moment, and return to normal. You can see why peoples mental health has suffered during the last year and quarantine just exacerbates negative thoughts and feelings. As I move into 2021, I want that positive side of me back, not the person who lives in the dark, never able to see the light.

A very Happy New Year to all of you, thank you for your continued support

To be honest, I was in two minds, whether to even write a review this year, but, this has been a particularly important milestone in my life, so it is necessary to include it. Generally one could sum up 2020 in one word 'COVID,' the one thing that has dominated all our lives and the one thing that just keeps on giving. This has been a memorable year for sure, but for all the wrong reasons and this isn't a period I want to repeat in the future. 2020 has been like a large dark cloud hovering over my head for nearly twelve months, rather like periods of depression I have suffered in the past, and it is a reminder of everything I have lost, in fact everything we have all lost. This was the year none of us want to remember and a time we all want to forget!

The last time I saw Darrell was in November 2019, when he returned home to be with his Mother, after a short stay in the UK. By January 2020, we were planning our next trip to see one another in Japan and Thailand. In February our flights were booked, itinerary finalised, and we were ready for our next holiday in Asia. At the beginning of the year, COVID-19 was a problem on the other side of the World and by the time we were due to meet, it would have disappeared. Little could I have known then, just what position I would be in today. I was optimistic about the future all those months ago and looking forward to seeing my husband once again, however dreams can shatter as quickly as they appear and circumstances destroy 'best laid plans of mice and men.'

This first quarter of the year was a far cry from the World we live in today. Things were relatively normal and like Darrell, I was in good spirits. This was short-lived; the pandemic took hold in Europe and then Britain; the tide began to change. As a country, we kept our boarders open, while Darrell's home country of Australia closed theirs. Death rates began to rise dramatically, and I felt myself falling into a situation I couldn't resolve. By the time of the first lockdown, I was feeling worn out and tired, as new social distancing measures were brought in. My working life changed markedly and the air was thick with anxiety, as all of us fought our own battles to overcome the 'new normal' we were all living through.

At the end of March, I suddenly lost my sense of taste and smell, along with several other colleagues. At the time this wasn't a recognised symptom of Coronavirus and although I knew there was something up, I carried on, very much in the same vein as I had before. Always obsessive, like I am today, I sanitized my hands every few minutes and kept as wider distance from others as I could. This virus was scaring the hell out of me; the more days that passed, the more we found out about this infection and the more apprehensive I became. Daily press conferences, twenty-four hour rolling news and scenes of sheer panic in hospitals, reinforced the nations respect for the National Health Service, as we clapped for carers every Thursday night. These were strange, unnerving and daunting days.

At the beginning of April, as I awoke one morning, after a sleepless night, I felt my temperature rising and my breathing more laboured. I immediately phoned 111 and described my symptoms. They were not classic COVID symptoms as we know them today, but they were enough for me to have to self-isolate for a week. After just a few days I felt well and able to return to work after my stretch of quarantine. People ask me today, if they think I had the virus, to which I reply 'yes, I think so.' You have to remember there were no tests available at the time and a loss of taste and smell wasn't recognised as a symptom like it is today. If I had to hazard a guess as to my condition, I would say it was virus related, but I am cautious. As someone who has many of the 'red flags' for a far worse reaction to COVID, I would have expected a more severe manifestation; that makes me unsure as to the reasons behind my anosmia; only time will tell.

I spent the summer walking across the city of Portsmouth; with time on my hands I was able to explore this great naval city I now call home. I decided to cut my hours at work and only go in when absolutely required to do so, protecting myself at every juncture. This allowed me time to myself and although I felt terribly lonely on occasion, I was grateful for the chance to do things I wouldn't normally have done. The three-month national lockdown improved my level of fitness, but left my mental state in tatters. Isolated, with very little human contact, I did my best to get through the difficulties, as I still do today.

The rest of the year, after lockdown has been much the same - in and out of quarantine, pubs reopening and closing, stopping and starting work, 'Eat Out To Help Out,' (which probably made the virus worse) and mistake after mistake from the powers that be. I have really lost all sense of reality over the last few months, unable to understand just what rules we have to follow, how many people we can have in our 'bubble,' or what all the different tier restrictions mean. After, what I can only describe as the 'continuing Government fiasco,' I have learnt to do what I think is best and always follow my own instincts. I have started to ignore the official wishy-washy approach to this virus and do all I can to look after number one. I always wear a mask, clean my hands and keep a two-meter distance from everyone else.

On the plus side, I have been able to meet my friend Ramona over the last three months, and we had begun to rekindle our thirty-year friendship. That was at least until we headed into a new lockdown of sorts and entered the new Tier 4. Equally, Darrell and I are speaking more than ever and are beginning to plan for the future, looking towards a brighter 2021.

As we approach the New Year, the UK has started to vaccinate us against this modern day plague, after the Pfizer vaccine was approved for use. It looks as though the Oxford AstraZeneca vaccine will also be rubber-stamped within days and the mass inoculation programme will pick up pace. Like most people I am hoping to be immunized against COVID-19 sometime next year. However, until then, there will likely be more disruption, as like me today, people are asked to self-isolate from the outside World, if they come in contact with a COVID positive person, and Britain moves from curtailment to emancipation in equal measure.

There will be no travelling for me next year, rather like 2020. I want to be sure I am fit enough to fly, but I am looking forward to a time, when I can get on a plane again and travel back to the Asian continent, a region I adore. Until that is possible, Darrell will hopefully fly home next year, and we can both begin the long hard slog back to normal, away from the threat of the virus. Cohabiting together once more after this strange pause in all our lives has been restarted, our partnership will return to convention and all of this will be but a distant memory. 2021, the year of the vaccine will mark the beginning of the end of COVID-19 and a climax to this dystopian World all of us now inhabit.

Well what a strange Christmas this has been. We were lucky enough to have been able to spend time with my Cousin Rachel and the kids, who are in our social bubble, but sadly we haven't been able to see anyone else. Christmas is of course for children, so it was lovely to see their faces light up on Christmas Day opening their presents. As a unit we spent quality time with each other, at a time of great anxiety and fear. Others were not quite so lucky.

Due to my Brother self-isolating, my father was unable to travel from his Tier 2 home to see him over Christmas. Sadly Dad had to spend the festive season alone, although with his home moving into Tier 4 on Boxing Day, it did seem he wouldn't have been able to drive there in any case. The rules are so long and confusing now, many of us, including me are just confused about the whole thing, but carrying on as best we can under the most extreme circumstances.

I managed to take a video call with my Father on Christmas morning, where we toasted family. We also remembered those who died and chatted about politics, as we always do. Dad managed to cook himself a Christmas meal, as well as having a few glasses of wine. He seemed relaxed, although looked rather sad, at being on his own this Christmas. There are of course many people in his position this year, I just hope next year, things will be very different.

Suitably fed, we played party games, watched some television and listened to music. If it wasn't for COVID, one could be forgiven for believing we are living in normal times. A rude awakening would change that tomorrow and reality would come knocking at the door!

On Boxing Day, as I sat watching the television, I received a message from 'Track and Trace' informing me that I had been in contact with someone who had Coronavirus and I should immediately quarantine myself, for a period of six days. It seems I came into contact with them on 22nd December. At first, I was rather confused why I hadn't been given a ten-day period of self-isolation, but realised, the app took account of when the infected person first reported symptoms; one of the great failures in this system. This was a shock to me; I am however extremely careful around people these days, so hope I will be fine, by the time I return to work on Friday.

It is rather unnerving when you receive that message, so much information to process, emails and text messages go back and forth, online forms to fill in and people to contact. It really is part of life now, as all of us come to terms with the new mutant COVID strain that is quickly running through the population. I will most certainly be wearing my mask at all times, inside and out and hope you will to.

Christmas has highlighted the importance of family in all our lives. Not being close to the people you love, just makes the burden of 2020 that much harder to bear. Understanding we will all see each other again and these terrible times won't last forever, is a great way to stay positive and look forward to better, productive and joyous times.

Please stay safe everyone!