Yesterday I was in a reflective mood, especially after the death of HRH Prince Philip. I have had time to think about the past and the future direction I want my life to take. When someone dies, in this case The Duke of Edinburgh, you are confronted by your own mortality and the reality is, I am not particularly happy reaching the milestone of fifty years old. I remember how traumatic it was, reaching forty, and I have very similar feelings today. This will also be the first year, I have celebrated a significant Birthday, without my partner by my side; this will be the most difficult of days and I would rather it wasn't happening at all!

It has been another difficult week in mine and Darrell's life, living apart, as we continue to grapple with partnership in a pandemic. We are trying to cover all possible scenarios as we near the end of his two years away from the UK. It is difficult to gage exactly what will happen when his Indefinite Leave to Remain visa has expired, but both of us have to think of the worst that can happen. Our situation isn't ideal, so as I approach my 50th year I am conscious of just how difficult life is at the moment.

Darrell and I have always celebrated our Birthdays to the fullest. For many years we would stage large parties and invite all our friends. In recent years however, especially during this pandemic, Birthdays have been rather low-key. I suppose I appreciate that, especially with Darrell being away from the UK; I am just not in the mood for celebrating, even if it is my fiftieth. Equally, reaching half a century is no mean feat. I never expected to reach this milestone; always living my life in the fast lane, experiencing everything I could, I fully expected to be dead long before now, but thus far it wasn't to be.

Recently I heard of the death of a friend from the 1990s, a carefree, happy time in my life; Peter Crossman sadly passed away after battling cancer. Peter was younger than I and I have some rather fond memories, spending time with him, during a period of discovery as I came to terms with my sexuality. Like me, Peter partied hard and enjoyed every moment of his youth. His death brought home, just how fragile all our lives are. I have experienced more deaths personally, than I care to remember and all of them young, from that 90s Generation X. These were the people I was proud to call friends and their lights will always burn brightly in my heart and in the hearts of all who knew them.

If I am truly honest, it has been a hard fifty years getting here. I never realised just how difficult my life would be and in many respects I feel old and worn out. Sick and tired of the continual battles I have to fight, I just want the next chapter to be a little more relaxing, without the stress and anxiety I feel every day. At fifty years old I should be winding down, thinking about taking a step back, but today I am working harder than I ever have, making up for the years of self-indulgence and excess; I really only have myself to blame.

Birthdays inevitably signal a time of contemplation. This year I shall be looking back towards happier times, remembering past celebrations. My current melancholic mood isn't lifting anytime soon, so anything that puts a smile on my face will help me prepare for reaching fifty years of age. I am mindful of the challenges ahead as we pass the first year of the COVID pandemic and Darrell and I try to steer our marriage from opposite sides of the World. At fifty, I have many ambitions still to fulfil and a life to live, after being on hold for far too long. I hope to spend May 9th 2021 quietly at home with family, gracefully surpassing middle age and looking forward to a productive future. The last year or so has been perplexing and bewildering, but it has given me time to realise just what is important to me now - Family, close friends, my husband Darrell and the happiness wisdom and experience brings!

A few photos from past Birthdays!

It's been a very strange Easter Sunday this year. Just my Cousin Emmy and I, sharing a roast, chatting about life. In years gone by, I have been used to a far bigger affair, but with COVID still knocking at the door, all of us have had to make sacrifices for the greater good. The large family gatherings of the past seem a distant memory now, as all of us continue to live our lives under the cloud of a virus, that in many parts of the World, continues to grow exponentially. It was great to sit and chat with Emmy, and I was able to think about the egregious nature of the  last few years in a more calming, focused way.

There is no doubt the times we are living through, are particularly difficult to comprehend, but for Darrell and me, we are well used to turmoil and everything that entails. Today, sat at the kitchen table, I was transported away to another world, which seems a lifetime away.

All of us learn to cope with distressing events in our own way; as a rule, I tend to  write about my thoughts and feelings, it helps me look back at events that most people tend to block out, brush off or not even notice. Then there are rare occasions like today, when I am happy to talk about circumstances that I otherwise wouldn't, but whatever medium I choose, I want to be sure that I am able to process my emotions and understand exactly what is going on.

There is no doubt, I have been feeling pretty down over the last week or so, in fact far more than I usually do, considering my current situation. There is a lot going on around me, changes I am not necessarily comfortable with, and I am longing for a change in direction, which is easier said than done. Trying to change your life in the middle of a pandemic is more than just a little frustrating, it is a nightmare. There is absolutely nothing I can do about the way I feel and have no control over the path I am currently travelling. No matter how hard I try, voice my anger or shout and scream, I don't seem to be able to make myself heard. Today I am beginning to sink into a dark place I have tried so hard to avoid.

Easter signifies renewal and rebirth, and normally it has always set the tone for the rest of the year ahead. Personally, in my life, I see nothing but more of the same; I seem to be going backwards and not in a particularly positive way. This Easter has just shown how tough my life has become, and I am deluded if I think, even for one moment, anything different. My current state of mind and psyche is very difficult to describe, but I get the feeling the World is against me, and I am the one suffering, while everyone else gets away with murder. The reality is, I am not in a good place and I can't do anything to lift myself out of the dark hole I am currently in.

Easter this year, has been yet another occasion where I have been separated from Darrell. With all the other insecurities, my fragile state of mind, self-doubt and general feeling of detachment, I have started to feel downhearted and melancholy, in a way I haven't for many years. For me, these are worrying signs and not something to be ignored.

For now, I am carrying on as normal, aware of my current mindset and fully understand what I have to do to move forwards positively once again. All the time my life is on hold, I can do very little to change the way I feel. I hope I can gradually lift myself enough to shake these feelings of isolation and depression and get back to the person I know I am deep down.

This isn't a very uplifting blog today, but I would be lying to you and myself if I wrote something that didn't reflect the current level of despondency I feel!

The 'Rule of Six' returned this week, after a four-month break. The UK has started to relax the strict lockdown we have been living through and on 29th March, we were finally allowed to meet a select number of friends and family outside. This has given me a sense of optimism, during one of the most testing periods in all our lives. Even I decided to bite the bullet and arrange to go for a walk with a friend and colleague from work Karl; highly unusual for me, as I have kept very much to myself during this pandemic. However, with one vaccine jab under my belt, I felt confident enough to enjoy the company of another outside, in the beautiful spring sunshine.

The weather was glorious on Monday and although there was a slight breeze along the coast, it was perfect for a leisurely walk along the promenade. As it happens Karl and I walked over seven miles, enjoying our new-found freedom.

Walking Karl's two beautiful dogs, we spent three hours getting out and about. I haven't been able to chat so much with someone in a log time; talking about our respective lives, it felt great to communicate at a human level again. With both of us partnered, we were able to talk about an aspect of life we both have in common. Darrell is of course ten thousand miles away in Australia, so it was refreshing to speak with someone who understands the trials and tribulations of being in a relationship. I miss being close to my husband, and Karl has reinforced my determination to fight even harder to get Darrell and I back to the way we were.

I have a lot planned for the weeks ahead, arranging to spend time with my best friend Ramona on April 18th and planning my own 50th Birthday on the 9th May. Darrell is also looking forward to returning to the UK, when pandemic restrictions allow. His first vaccination is due on 15th April, although Australia remains extremely behind with their inoculation programme. However, we still hope he will be fully protected when he is due to travel in November.  Both of us are also continuing to save hard for the future. Neither of us have spent any money nor travelled anywhere over the last year, so we should have enough funds to buy our own home when he returns. Like most things in our life, it will not be a conventional choice of property, as we set our sites on a number of different options, from a motorhome, getaway abroad or holiday home in the UK. Whatever we choose, we want it to fit around our lifestyle, so a standard house, will probably not suit our needs.

As I walked around Portsmouth on Monday, I was struck by how familiar this city has become. I like being able to walk from one side to the other with relative ease and most importantly, I enjoy living near a beach, being able to enjoy the sea air and get away from the hustle and bustle of the city. When Darrell returns towards the end of the year, this would be the ideal base for us, even if we decide to continue with our travels around the World.

The pandemic has shown me just how important my relationship is, and it has made me cherish my time with Darrell more and more, appreciating what we have, even if we are separated by circumstances. As we gradually work our way out of lockdown, re-entering the real world once again, it is clear, life will never be the same, but this offers us opportunities for the future and promotes a return to values, both Darrell and I had forgotten; this is indeed the beginning of something new!

I haven't been feeling the best over the last few weeks; if I am totally honest, my various health issues seem to be overtaking my life again. Suffering from IBS can be debilitating and I do have good and bad days. On a perfect day, I can function at near normality and be more or less pain free. However, these are rare days now and the majority of the time I do suffer from discomfort, to differing degrees.

A few days ago I had a gallbladder attack, something I have only experienced on two other occasions. After the last strike, I had adjusted my diet and lifestyle to accommodate for my gallbladder disease diagnosis. I began eating much smaller portions, followed a strict low Fodmap diet and exercised on a regular basis. All of these changes calmed the chronic problems I have, and I really began to feel like I was winning. Some days I actually forgot I even had any conditions at all.

My diagnosis of IBS feels rather tenuous at times. One has to remember I was given this prognosis at a time, when I had no quantifiable illness to otherwise contradict the Doctors judgement. Today I have gallbladder disease, a hiatal hernia, Diverticular Disease, Kidney stones and gastritis. Added together, they make for  hellish Gastrointestinal function, that can be impossible to stabilise. Whether I have IBS on top of this is debatable in my opinion, but the specialists do seem to think I have very bad symptoms, because of all these ailments. I can understand that and do whatever I can to ease the ongoing pain.

Medication, natural herbal remedies and digestive enzymes, together with a healthy lifestyle, including no alcohol and smoking have all started to produce results. I have been feeling markedly better, so much so, I took my eye off the ball and started eating the wrong things. Since Christmas, I have put on over a stone in weight and the aches and pains have come back with a vengeance, culminating in that gallbladder attack in the middle of the week.

I know when I've had a pummelling from that useless gallbladder, that in my case stopped working properly several years ago. The pain is like nothing I have endured before. Radiating across my chest, upper back, abdomen and arm, it is akin to childbirth (so I am told.) I initially thought I was having a heart attack the first time I had one, but today realise how important it is to try and ride it out. The pain was so intense on Thursday that I violently threw up for two hours and really thought I might have to phone an ambulance. However, as fast as it began, it disappeared and exhausted, I was able to operate normally once again.

At the end of April, I have an appointment with rheumatology at Queen Alexandra Hospital, so I can finally get some answers as to what is occurring. It is believed I have Fibromyalgia, but Rheumatoid Arthritis is still a possibility. They may well be able to help with my gastro issues, if there is a link between the two. I am also still awaiting a gallbladder removal operation and at least three other procedures, to give a more concrete analysis of just what is going on. I hope it isn't too much longer before I can get back to some semblance of normality and live a more fulfilled life. Until then, I guess it will be more of the same, until I can get to the end of this sorry saga, that has plagued my life for far too long.

After the awful week I've had, I'm hoping for a quieter, less intense seven days ahead. Careful eating and stepping back from those naughty habits, that have returned once again, should hopefully pay dividends. I don't want another bout of pain again, at least in the short term, otherwise next time I will end up in A&E, not a place I want to be right now. A change in diet is the first step to regaining the upper hand and until the pandemic ends and operations are carried out, it is the only tool I have to get me though. With a positive outlook and understanding network of friends, I'm hopeful life will finally return to convention and my mind can concentrate on bigger and better things!