Whilst everyone else keeps safe on furlough, the rest of us have to work for a living! I think you may detect a note of bitterness in my voice, which would explain my current state of mind. I continue making my journey to work each morning, working in a job I love; the rest of the country, or rather those being paid to do nothing, sit righteously on their thrones moaning about new Tier 4 restrictions that came into force yesterday. May I humbly suggest they look at key workers and vulnerable people who are having to work in the most strenuous of circumstances and are doing everything to keep safe. I, for one, am 100 percent behind the Government and their attempt to stem the tide of this new strain of the virus and so should you - the selfish hoi polloi, who care only about themselves! Of course, I am not saying you are all uncaring and inconsiderate, but a good many of you are!

Listening to the news last night and this morning, I was horrified to hear just how easily spread the new strain of this virus is. You have a higher chance of catching this illness, a 70 percent increase to be exact and people are still acting as though nothing is going on. Walking through Commercial Road in Portsmouth over the last few days, you could be forgiven for thinking you are living through normal times, but in reality we aren't. This is a bloody pandemic and I fail to understand why people are rebuffing the rules. If I am honest, this was a frightening experience and I am so glad all the 'non-essential' shops have been closed.

Before the Governments announcement yesterday, putting Portsmouth, Havant, Gosport, London and whole swathes of the South East into the new Tier 4, which is essentially a lockdown in all but name, I did get the chance to briefly see my Father. At first, I was weary about seeing him, since he lives in a Tier 2 area and at the time we were in Tier 3, but for me, it was necessary to connect with him,  no matter how brief it was.

My Father has spent most of this year on his own, so soon after my Mothers death, which has been difficult for him and all of us. This pandemic has really shown just how important family is, and I am angry that I haven't been able to see him as much as I would have liked. Not wanting to risk his health, I spent the briefest of time in his company, before getting back on a train and travelling straight back home.

Dad did look rather frail and alone, which was sad to see. He is of course well able to look after himself, having been Mum's carer for twenty years, but the lack of contact between family is taking its toll on him. He hasn't been too well himself lately, and I am sure he would feel a lot better, if those closest were around him more often. Families have been ripped apart by this virus, in life and especially in death, and I was almost tempted to give him a hug, but stopped myself at the last minute.

Dad had asked me what I wanted for Christmas, as he does every year. I have everything I need, so just asked for something personal from him, that I could keep close, especially at this time. To my surprise he gave me my Mothers Wedding ring, which I could wear around my neck on a chain, a memento I will always cherish. Apart from photographs, I don't have many reminders of my Mother, so this will be a gift, that will ensure she always remains close.  He told me they had chosen the ring together before their wedding in 1967 and had paid the princely sum of £20.00 for it, a lot of money back then, akin to a weeks wages.

We talked briefly about the state of the country, politics and family and I wished him a Happy Christmas, hoping to see him early next year, although I will more than likely see him at Easter, when this Pandemic is finally under control. As the road blocks started to go up around Portsmouth today, I was reminded of the desperate times we are living though, and I am grateful for spending just a few moments with Dad, before the shutters once again go up!

The state of the UK at the moment is headline news, across the World and Darrell is naturally concerned at what he is hearing. I have asked him to take a more active role in sorting out our legal status at this time, contacting our Member of Parliament  and doing what he can from his end. This Christmas will be very different for us in Britain, however life continues in Australia, very much as it always has done.

The World remains madder than at any time I have ever known. Expressing my fears for the future, especially right now as the second wave really takes hold, Darrell was left aghast, about just what will be left, when this is all over. The different lives we are leading are so divergent, contrasting in every way, that I am not even sure we will know each other, when we see one another again.

No relationship can survive indefinitely from opposite ends of the planet, and it is important we are allowed to see one another soon. So I will end this entry today, as I began, by pleading with people to take notice of the new rules. I know how difficult it is to not see someone you love over Christmas, because I have been living it for over a year. Like Darrell and I, you just have to accept what is happening, stop worrying about a Christmas turkey and always remember there are people far worse off than you. Once you become resigned to your fate, all of us can finally work together and beat this bloody virus once and for all!

It's been another debilitating week if I am honest. Living in the new COVID-19 World, has really taken its toll over the last week and there have been many occasions, I've just wanted to run away and hide. The constant anxiety triggering situations, are getting me down more and more, as each day passes. However, I am one of the lucky ones, who is active and able to carry on living as normal a life as possible. Work, in whatever capacity, is the real saving grace for me. Being around people is so important right now and on the day the Government announced Portsmouth is moving into the higher Tier 3, of Coronavirus restrictions, I am able to at least appreciate the little things that make me happy.

Entertainment venues, pubs and restaurants will be shutting down from Saturday and for those not working, on furlough, it is yet another blow to their sense of well-being, in this crazy time we are living in. Luckily, I am surrounded by people every day, it is rare for me to spend anytime on my own, so yet another draconian lockdown won't change my life that much. In reality, I haven't eaten out in a while, or even been able to spend quality time with friends, for an even longer period of time, but that doesn't seem to be bothering me too much.

At Cancer Research I am surrounded by friends and colleagues and each of us have done our best, to make each other smile. I have always had a great sense of fun anyway and my few hours a week volunteering just brings out the best, or some would say, worst in me. Monday morning is a time to relax and unwind from the previous week and I do make the most of my shift; this is a day I look forward to, suffering mentally when the shop was closed during the first wave of the pandemic. It is easy to see how people lose hope when they live alone, can not leave their homes or have to shield from the worst of the pandemic.

I am fortunate to be one of those rare breeds of people, who can always keep myself occupied, no matter how long I spend on my own, so this has become a time for reflection, writing and reassessing one's life. My days volunteering, working for a cause I truly believe in, gives me an escape from the worst of 2020. Taking photographs, gossiping and just having people to talk to, is really the icing on the cake, the glue that holds all of us together as a team

With the Newcome Arms closed indefinitely, until it becomes safe to work behind the bar again, I feel one of the lucky ones to still be furloughed. The Newcome is a popular local pub and there will always be a place in the hearts of all the patrons, for this venue; when we do open again, the bar will be as busy as it ever was. Unlike other businesses, the Newcome will bounce back stronger than ever, of that I am assured, and I do look forward to the day I can return safely. I still see many of the customers daily in my 9 to 5 job, less than half a mile away. This local supermarket is the place that has kept me going and stopped me from becoming so depressed, that I find it impossible to function.

Getting up every day, going to a job you love, conversing with colleagues and enjoying the banter with customers has been the biggest lifeline of all. I have worked particularly hard this year, during the pandemic, and it has kept my mind focused on the goals I set for myself. I have had very little time to think about my position and even less time to Wellow in my own self-pity. Listening to the concerns of shoppers and those I work with, have allowed me to forget my own difficulties, for the last nine months, and I am grateful to have had employment at such a challenging time for our country. I never would have believed, just how much my job in a supermarket, would have meant to me this time last year. This job to tide me over, while I stayed in the UK, has been the one thing that has given me a sense of purpose, while so many others lost direction, this has been the chink of light at a time of darkness and the road to freedom, during a year of heartache!

Most of you understand the so called 'Health Anxiety' that dominates my life; this is an affliction I have been saddled with for probably two years now, since returning from Spain to the UK. Most people have said the feelings I am experiencing, are all in my head and so far I have gone along with their amateur assessments. However, their diagnosis failed to understand the nature of the human body. Over the past twenty-four months I have begun to unravel the difficulties I have been suffering and far from being health anxiety' based, they are real, debilitating concerns, that play an active role in my well-being.

There is one particular problem, that seems to be plaguing my life daily, especially at the moment and it appears to be getting worse, every single day. Dizziness, disorientation, lightheadedness and blurred vision, all contribute to a feeling of unbalanced agitation and torment and no matter what I do, nothing makes it better.

My first bout occurred about a year ago. Whilst working, I was overcome with a sense of disassociation, everything was spinning, and I felt like I was going to collapse. Immediately I took myself to A&E fearing the worst, as someone with anxiety generally does. They did a series of tests and examinations and came back with nothing, blank, unable to understand what the cause of the issue was. I was given some anti sickness medication and told to ride it out.

The vertigo seemed to have resolved itself, by the time I believed I had COVID in March of this year, when it returned with a vengeance. Ever since then I have been feeling steadily worse and it is beginning to take its toll. I did manage to get an appointment with an optician, thinking that maybe the varifocals  I wear were responsible. There have been similar stories of other people, who wear spectacles, experiencing symptoms like mine. The test concluded the lenses were correct although I do have the beginnings of cataracts forming in both my eyes. I was told to persevere and once again sent on my way.

I have periods when I can wear my glasses, but there are other times I just can't, as it makes the wooziness worse. Sometimes I have to work all day, unable to see properly with blurred vision. I have also started to become sensitive to light and find the intensity of the sun or fluorescent strobes too much to bear. A second optician asked me to describe my symptoms and made a diagnosis of silent migraines. You experience all the signs of a migraine, without the actual headache itself. After talking with him further, he explained the visual disturbances, dizziness and aura involved, in great detail, all of which manifest in my case.

My Doctor has however, as you would expect, suggested this is just an attribute of anxiety, sighting dizzy spells as a common factor in Generalised Anxiety Disorder, which she believes I have. I was also prescribed Propranolol, a beta blocker drug to help cope with anxiety. This nasty little pill was terrible to get used to. I had to stop taking it twice, because of the side effects, which do include feeling faint and unsteady. I believe my pulse rate dropped so much, that it became difficult for my heart to pump enough oxygen rich blood around my body, to the extremities, including my head. Also, as a consequence, I suffered with extremely cold hands and feet another sign of a circulatory disorder.

I have started to wean myself off the Propranolol, which is extremely difficult to achieve. Taking oneself off beta blockers is painful and shouldn't be done lightly. Prescribed 120 mg a day, during the height of the pandemic, today I am down to 40 mg. I am however experiencing mild chest pain and thus far my unsteadiness has just increased, although my cold hands and toes have all but disappeared. I am of course hoping the way I am feeling today, is because of the withdrawal effects of the drug. Given a choice now, I would never take this medication again.

Dehydration was another possibility, causing me to drink copious amounts of water, keeping me up half the night, running back and forth to the toilet. Introducing more iron to my diet, thinking I had anaemia, didn't improve the problem, nor did taking magnesium supplements because of the medication I take to control my hiatal hernia. Lansoprazole is great for reducing stomach acid, but it does deplete magnesium levels, thus rendering long term use useless. Speaking with my Doctor on Monday, I hope to arrange a medication review and eventually come off this acid lowering drug soon. All of this medication is great initially, but after it for a while, you soon realise, just how bad it is.

There is another theory, that has been suggested as a possible reason for the feeling of disorientation, and that is Long COVID. Speaking to others who had or who were suspected of having Coronavirus, many of them are experiencing symptoms beyond the initial illness and dizziness seems to be a strong contender in every case. This is nausea that I haven't ever experienced, and at times it can affect many aspects of my life. I am just hoping that by stopping the Propranolol and once again making an appointment to see an optician, having yet another eye test, that the symptoms will start to dissipate and I can get back to a sense of normality, but that isn't certain.

For someone who does suffer with anxiety, I am constantly thinking the worse and have been close to taking myself to hospital on a number of occasions. I hope the next few weeks will begin to offer a more significant diagnosis of what is going on, so I can once again start to enjoy life, until then I'll just keep managing as best I can, holding on tightly to surfaces, to stop me falling and smile sweetly as if everything is going alright...... Which of course it really isn't!

With lockdown at an end in England, I was back doing my bit for the community this Monday, volunteering at Cancer Research in Portsmouth. I am always happy to be working with people who share the same ideals and objectives as me. Everyone who works at the shop in Commercial Road were equally pleased to be making money for the valuable research that has suffered so much during this pandemic.

All charities, up and down the country have taken such a huge drop in income over the last nine months, that it is important they get back to a semblance of normality, especially during this lucrative Christmas season. Understandably many volunteers like me are reluctant to put ourselves at risk, working in such a people centric sector of the economy. When one looks back over the duration of the pandemic, one can see just how badly retail has suffered. High street shop closures, including the Arcadia Group, Debenhams and Bon Marche, highlight the extent of the loss, all of us can see, as we walk through our local shopping arcades and precincts. This is a terrible time for everyone, trying to make ends meet, volatility and uncertainty are the buzz words of the day and it is important all retailers get back to selling.

Monday at the shop was busy, busier than usual, which was great to see. People were out in force Christmas shopping after the four-week lockdown and luckily for Cancer Research, we were able to make some money and break some targets. Like all shops we are fighting for business in a very competitive market, so going that extra mile, working that much harder is important; hopefully we can end the year on a high.

It's great to be back, at least, for as long as it lasts!

..... If you are thinking of getting married in the new year, we have plenty of Wedding dresses for sale. Recycling, reusing and repurposing some trying wonderful pieces. Come in and look around, we are always there to help!

Cancer Research
197 Commercial Road
Portsmouth
Hampshire
PO1 1EA

023 9282 3670