Contact with Darrell is more important now than ever. He is feeling particularly alone and has very little contact with friends and family here in the UK. He has removed himself from most social media platforms and despite efforts to remain connected with loved ones in Britain, he has been unable to stay as close to people as he would like. I use facebook to keep in contact with many individuals I would otherwise have lost touch with, and without it, I would find it almost impossible to do so, so I can understand why Darrell is finding it hard.

Both of us are starting to make plans for the future, after COVID, but without an endless supply of money, we have to be mindful of our situation. Darrell and I have little or no disposable income, and we save every spare penny we have for our future. It is important we stay focused on our goal of finally having a permanent roof over our heads and do everything we can to achieve that. Buying a home in the UK is completely out of  reach, so it is likely we will once again move abroad and invest in a country that we both love and want to settle in - Spain and Croatia are top of our list, countries we both feel happy in.

As my low moods have increased, I continue to do the things I enjoy most, which does help to get through the worst days. Volunteering has become a cure for my darkest moments. I work with a group of like-minded individuals, who enjoy campaigning for Cancer Research. Unlike most conventional jobs, all of us are happy to be grafting for our chosen charity. The sense of enthusiasm and togetherness shows in our hard work, determination and most importantly, our sense of fun. Monday is the most important day of the week for me, always filled with laughter, optimism and pragmatic energy. My levels of anxiety are reduced significantly and  sense of well-being improved from spending just a short few hours with friends, in a setting that never fails to let me down.

I was also fortunate to have a cup of tea and socially distanced chat with Mrs F, a lady I have tried to take under my wing and look out for, especially during this pandemic. She has very little contact with family, like me, so I like to offer a sympathetic ear, when she needs to talk about the difficulties she faces on a daily basis. Sometimes it feels good to listen to others problems, it puts ones own issues into perspective. Mrs F is a fighter who remains stoical, even in the most extreme circumstances, and she is an inspiration to me. If each and every one of us could spend just a little time with someone like Mrs F, all our lives would be richer and better for it.

Any activity that helps me forget my own problems is welcome. Distractions from the constant pain of IBS, numerous ailments and family difficulties is an important part of my week. Channelling energy into constructive, unequivocal pursuits is really helping me deal with the negativity and thought-provoking moments that just tend to linger. These are such challenging times that I fear I will never overcome my current state of mind. I am thankful for the friends and family I have and hope that it won't be too long before I can finally be happy and content again. Persevering, learning to cope with adverse times and remaining grounded, assured, balanced and rational are the words and phrases I use, to remind myself that nothing lasts forever, especially not today!

It's been yet another difficult week for me, not unlike the last  if I am entirely honest. I do tend to dwell on things and I just haven't been able to shake negative thoughts from my mind. I have suffered with depression for most of my life and for the most part have had to learn to deal with it myself. When I look back at the darkest points, the most difficult, challenging times, I am reminded of the connection they all share, namely the people, and the influences they exerted over my sense of well-being, in a negative or positive way!

Last week I was reminded of just how nasty people can be and that continues to remain a source of angst. I have done all I can to rebuild bridges and become a better person, especially after the death of my Mother last October. I thought I had reached a 'happy' point in my life and was feeling a little more content with my situation, even with my husband being trapped on the other side of the World, during the middle of a pandemic, but it seems, I was wrong. My feelings and emotions have taken a back seat over the last year, because other people have needed the support and encouragement to rebuild and rethink their lives. I have been patient and happy to give my time, to ensure a more agreeable consensus is achieved and I believed we had reached a happy medium, but that wasn't the case.  I feel totally flat and deflated and am worried I may be heading towards a place I don't want to go.

I have learnt much about depression over the years; in the past I had a profusion of pills I could use to help get me through the day, antidepressants to take the edge off the way I was feeling or therapy to support me, as I worked through the stresses of life. Today however, I am relying on my willpower, determination and mindset to help get me through, what is becoming a tough and beguiling time. I really do not want to go down the medication route as it just masks the problems I have, leaving them as real as ever, only simmering on the back burner until a later date. I haven't  had to face my demons without a little medical help before, but it is something I need to do now.

Speaking to a friend yesterday, they were concerned I wasn't my usual self and the truth is, I'm not. I feel so let down on many fronts; it is taking a toll on my personality; I have become insular and aloof from the people I need most and that isn't a good sign for me. Nevertheless, it is all I have to deal with the hurt I am feeling and I will continue to do what I believe is right. I have given all my life and never received anything in return. I am withdrawing an important part of who I am, because of what someone has once again done to me. Having been brought down to a level I am not comfortable with I am trying to work out what to do for the best. Life is one big struggle, which seems to have got harder and I just don't want to deal with it; I don't have the fight in me to confront or agonise over circumstances that were not of my making.

All I can do today is escape from the dejection and sadness that I feel and deal with the aftermath at a later date. I am throwing all my energy into work, doing as much overtime as possible and looking for other creative outlets for my writing, so I can continue to express myself in a positive way, on a platform away from this blog. This is a personal forum to showcase my emotions as honestly as I can, but sometimes honesty with oneself isn't the way to overcome tempestuous upset, it just allows me to indulge in a sea of self-pity, selfishness and defeatism. As my mood changes, so does my writing and throughout the last five years of this blog, I have encountered many ups and downs, this is yet another bump in the road, that will play out in front of a readership who hopefully understands the difficulties I face.

I am currently watching Schitt's Creek on Netflix, a hilarious take on failure and loss of wealth and the challenges faced by a family left impoverished, having to pick up the pieces of a broken life. We have all done that from time to time, it is a reminder that life doesn't always run smoothly and although only a television programme, it has offered me an escape at a stressful time. Watching TV, writing, working and social media has given me a channel to relieve the pressure I feel under currently. Speaking to Darrell in Australia is also a welcome break from the tension and trepidation I feel constantly and I hope it will continue to get me through the  dark days.

None of us are finding life easy during this pandemic. In the past, if I had felt the way I do today, I would have just taken off for a few days away or gone to see friends, things none of us can do presently. I am not used to coping with situations beyond my control and will just have to muddle through somehow. Looking out for number one, concentrating on myself for a bit and doing what I want, rather than what people expect of me should help in the short term. Eventually I will come to terms with my retrogressions and past mistakes, of that I have no doubt. Today I want to stay focused and determined to build a future for Darrell and I and finally accept that I will never be the person others want me to be, then and only then will I have made it, comfortable with the person I am and happy to smile again!

It's been another difficult week in the post COVID World.  Like the Government, I haven't written much about the pandemic recently, as life is beginning to get back to a relative sense of normality; not quite as it used to be, but as near as damn it.  Listening to the news earlier, it is clear that the number of reported cases of Coronavirus is once again on the rise here in the UK and it looks like we could be in for another difficult few months. The news is also full of stories about the inaccurate reporting of COVID deaths; deaths being recorded as Coronavirus when in fact they weren't. This once again highlights the Governments' ineptitude during this pandemic and is giving people yet another excuse not to follow the rules.... Whatever the rules are!

I've just been speaking to my Aunt about this very subject, and she also agrees that the Government rules and regulations in place to combat COVID-19 are now so obscure that none of us really know what they are. Our advice is to do what we think is best, socially distance, wear masks in public spaces and protect our families as much as possible. I still remain very nervous about any relaxation on my part; I don't want to put anyone else at risk. However, the time is coming when I will have to reconnect with family and friends.

I managed to speak to Darrell from Australia on the phone earlier, who is also annoyed about the lack of social distancing. It looks like Australia and New Zealand are experiencing a second wave of COVID cases and States and cities on the Australasian continent are deciding what they should do to protect their citizens. The Eastern States remain locked down, but luckily Darrell remains relatively safe in Western Australia, with cases few and far between.

I have spent the last week contacting our MP and trying to discover Darrell's legal status, in the event of not being able to return to the UK because of Coronavirus restrictions. Darrell is only allowed out of the UK for a certain period of time, before he has to legally return, but with all the Australian borders closed, we are still not sure if he will get back to Britain in time. After several emails I have still not had a reply from the Home Office or from our MP. I am hoping it won't be too much longer before I hear from them. These are unprecedented times but the levers of Government have to continue, I just hope they try a little harder than they have been up to now. Both of us need to know where we stand!

Darrell and I haven't felt this insecure for a long time, probably since we both got together twenty-five years ago. Our relationship is once again up in the air as we try and find a way through the terrible circumstances we find ourselves in. Ideally we would prefer to be together now. Darrell's Mother is well enough at the moment to be left on her own, but Darrell no longer has the option of leaving Australia. Like him, I hate having my fate decided by others, to have it determined by a pandemic is extremely stressful and not what we ever imagined.

My anxiety levels are sky-high presently as you would expect, which really isn't helping with my IBS symptoms. No amount of medication seems to be working, and I am suffering more now than ever. Luckily I am able to concentrate on work and my family in the UK, which does take my mind off things somewhat, but like all of us, I do have my down days. This week I have had quite a few of those and have been feeling particularly worn down. The normal placid me, has become a no nonsense, take it or leave it kind of guy, who has literally run out of patience. I have lost my temper too many times recently and I just hope this bumpy ride ends soon, so Darrell and I can finally breathe a sigh of relief and get on with the rest of our life together.

On the 22 September 2020 Darrell and I will celebrate our 25th Anniversary, a milestone, we could not have anticipated, a quarter of a century ago. Of course this won't be a celebration like any other we have known, and we will not be able to spend the day together. Australia's borders are currently closed and Darrell will not be able to fly to the UK as we had first planned. Our twenty-five years together will begin with our forced separation, in a World very different from the one we have known.

Darrell and I met each other at a time of upheaval for the gay community. Neither of us had any rights to stay together and for the next six years we fought hard to remain in the UK as partners. I have written much about the challenges we have faced as a gay couple from different corners of the World. It is important to acknowledge the role our families, friends, relatives, officials and Members of Parliament have played, in our quest to help change and adapt  our precarious situation, into the unrestrained, free status we enjoy today. The heartache and pain we suffered in the later part of the twentieth century made us the fighters we are. Nothing phased us and no obstacle was too big to climb, even in the face of deportation from the country we both called home.

The Coronavirus has kept us apart, when the political system couldn't. This period in our history as a couple, indeed the history of the World, has become a barrier to our life as a couple and created difficulties we are unable to overcome currently. Living without the person you love, because of factors beyond your control, is the most frustrating, exasperating experience of my life. Our current circumstances aren't easily circumvented, our well-being is in the hands of an unseen foe and there is absolutely nothing we can do to change that. Worldwide panic has pressed pause on our relationship and that is hard to accept.

We will not be able to spend our 25th Anniversary together this year, but we have the memory of our time together and our Marriage in 2015 to help overcome the pain of severance. When we look back at 2020, we will see this as just another setback in a sea of many. No one could have foreseen the events we are all living through; this should be an opportunity to grow and cultivate new memories to share, as we spend the next twenty-five years together, in the post COVID World!

I've certainly had a week of ups and downs; with face coverings now compulsory across the UK, Sunday has become my mask washing day. I actually have one for every day of the week now, understanding what most people don't, that masks should be washed or in the case of disposable ones, discarded after each use.

Like all of us, I am still trying to get used to the concept of wearing a piece of cloth in front of my face; it isn't the most comfortable of pastimes and is particularly irritating to say the least. Walking around the shop where I work, I also have to wear PPE, along with customers, which is only right. Nevertheless, there are those who refuse to conform to the 'new normal,' which can be pretty disheartening for people like me, who have to work every day. I fail to understand why people would ignore the new rules and regulations and like the vast majority of the public, I am happy to do what is right. In order to avoid a second wave, all of us have to change our lives. Putting on a face covering isn't the most difficult of tasks, when one considers those who have died during this pandemic!

On Monday it was another morning volunteering at Cancer Research, doing my best to sort out the electrical department. I haven't actually been feeling a hundred percent for the last seven days and when I woke up Monday morning I was in two minds, whether to even go in. I knew however, that just being at the shop would cheer me up and it wasn't too long before I started to feel a little better.

Having IBS can really get me down at times, and I knew on Monday that I was starting to get a flare up. Together with the hiatal hernia pain, I really wasn't feeling great at all. The worst part of a flare up is feeling that something more sinister is going on. I had also come to the end of a course antibiotics for another UTI; I guess the digestive issues I have been experiencing over the last few years have come to a head, making me feel down and depressed.

After speaking to a friend I decided to order a PSA test, to make sure my prostate was working properly. Rather than waiting for the NHS, especially during the middle of a pandemic, I obtained one privately and will take it later on today, once the antibiotics are finally out of my system.

Cancer Research is the one day of the week I can relax and unwind despite the way I feel. Today I am still feeling pretty unwell, but will force myself out of bed tomorrow and once again do the volunteering I enjoy, it's the only thing that takes my mind off my problems and being surrounded by like-minded individuals is the best tonic money can buy.

Our weekly family toast ended last Thursday, but Darrell and I are continuing to do our own toast to each other. Thursdays have brought both of us closer together, and we both feel it is important to keep that family tradition going. It does seem on the surface at least that this pandemic is winding down, but I have my doubts. The original reason for the family get together each week is still there and I have a feeling it won't be too long before we are toasting one another, in lockdown once again.

Darrell is coping remarkably well in Australia, even as the country enters winter. The infection rate, especially in the eastern states is rising dramatically, on a par with Britain, so it is a frightening time for him and his Mother, who is also doing OK under the circumstances. Thursday will always be a day for Darrell and I to get together and celebrate our years together.

Also, on Thursday My Aunt and I and the kids travelled to Hayling Island to attend a family lunch. Getting onto the Island was a bit of a nightmare as per usual, nevertheless we all had a great day spent with family, a rare thing these days. It's nice to be around lots of children, something I am not used to, but it has become a rather big part of my life. Family has become the backbone of my time back home in Portsmouth and during this devastating period, it has allowed me to form bonds I wouldn't otherwise have had the opportunity to do.

Darrell and I are looking to buy a holiday home on the island when everything returns to normal and have started looking at places near to the beach. Both of us have options open to us, whether here in the UK or abroad, but establishing a base is important as we grow older. In time, we both hope to finally settle somewhere, but I am certainly relishing my time at my Aunts and have no plans to move anywhere else quite yet. When you spend time with loved ones, you realise just who the important people are. Hopefully I will also be able to see my Father soon, when Government restrictions allow.

It has been a strange old week; more mask wearing, as we move into the next phase of the pandemic, rules and regulations to get used to and welcome contact with family adding an air of normality in this crazy World. Britain does feel a little more like it used to, but none of us can be sure what is round the corner, until then, we just carry on as normal....Have a great week y'all!