Still Battling Hard!

It's been yet another difficult week for me, not unlike the last  if I am entirely honest. I do tend to dwell on things and I just haven't been able to shake negative thoughts from my mind. I have suffered with depression for most of my life and for the most part have had to learn to deal with it myself. When I look back at the darkest points, the most difficult, challenging times, I am reminded of the connection they all share, namely the people, and the influences they exerted over my sense of well-being, in a negative or positive way!

Last week I was reminded of just how nasty people can be and that continues to remain a source of angst. I have done all I can to rebuild bridges and become a better person, especially after the death of my Mother last October. I thought I had reached a 'happy' point in my life and was feeling a little more content with my situation, even with my husband being trapped on the other side of the World, during the middle of a pandemic, but it seems, I was wrong. My feelings and emotions have taken a back seat over the last year, because other people have needed the support and encouragement to rebuild and rethink their lives. I have been patient and happy to give my time, to ensure a more agreeable consensus is achieved and I believed we had reached a happy medium, but that wasn't the case.  I feel totally flat and deflated and am worried I may be heading towards a place I don't want to go.

I have learnt much about depression over the years; in the past I had a profusion of pills I could use to help get me through the day, antidepressants to take the edge off the way I was feeling or therapy to support me, as I worked through the stresses of life. Today however, I am relying on my willpower, determination and mindset to help get me through, what is becoming a tough and beguiling time. I really do not want to go down the medication route as it just masks the problems I have, leaving them as real as ever, only simmering on the back burner until a later date. I haven't  had to face my demons without a little medical help before, but it is something I need to do now.

Speaking to a friend yesterday, they were concerned I wasn't my usual self and the truth is, I'm not. I feel so let down on many fronts; it is taking a toll on my personality; I have become insular and aloof from the people I need most and that isn't a good sign for me. Nevertheless, it is all I have to deal with the hurt I am feeling and I will continue to do what I believe is right. I have given all my life and never received anything in return. I am withdrawing an important part of who I am, because of what someone has once again done to me. Having been brought down to a level I am not comfortable with I am trying to work out what to do for the best. Life is one big struggle, which seems to have got harder and I just don't want to deal with it; I don't have the fight in me to confront or agonise over circumstances that were not of my making.

All I can do today is escape from the dejection and sadness that I feel and deal with the aftermath at a later date. I am throwing all my energy into work, doing as much overtime as possible and looking for other creative outlets for my writing, so I can continue to express myself in a positive way, on a platform away from this blog. This is a personal forum to showcase my emotions as honestly as I can, but sometimes honesty with oneself isn't the way to overcome tempestuous upset, it just allows me to indulge in a sea of self-pity, selfishness and defeatism. As my mood changes, so does my writing and throughout the last five years of this blog, I have encountered many ups and downs, this is yet another bump in the road, that will play out in front of a readership who hopefully understands the difficulties I face.

I am currently watching Schitt's Creek on Netflix, a hilarious take on failure and loss of wealth and the challenges faced by a family left impoverished, having to pick up the pieces of a broken life. We have all done that from time to time, it is a reminder that life doesn't always run smoothly and although only a television programme, it has offered me an escape at a stressful time. Watching TV, writing, working and social media has given me a channel to relieve the pressure I feel under currently. Speaking to Darrell in Australia is also a welcome break from the tension and trepidation I feel constantly and I hope it will continue to get me through the  dark days.

None of us are finding life easy during this pandemic. In the past, if I had felt the way I do today, I would have just taken off for a few days away or gone to see friends, things none of us can do presently. I am not used to coping with situations beyond my control and will just have to muddle through somehow. Looking out for number one, concentrating on myself for a bit and doing what I want, rather than what people expect of me should help in the short term. Eventually I will come to terms with my retrogressions and past mistakes, of that I have no doubt. Today I want to stay focused and determined to build a future for Darrell and I and finally accept that I will never be the person others want me to be, then and only then will I have made it, comfortable with the person I am and happy to smile again!

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