On Thursday I finally had my first vaccine administered at St James' Hospital in Portsmouth. I can't begin to describe the emotions I felt, as I drove up to the facility in the taxi. This was no ordinary vaccination hub; it was big, there were stewards everywhere directing us towards the long line of traffic taking people to the entrance. I can't actually believe how well-organised and smooth the process was; when I got out of the car, I was genuinely excited to be receiving my jab, a year on after we entered our first nationwide lockdown.

I joined the queue of people heading through a marquee towards the hospital. After showing my booking reference and National Health number, I was allowed into the ward, where I was shown to a seat and a nurse made some final checks. Jacket removed, sleeve rolled up I was given the AstraZeneca vaccine into my left arm. I have had a lot of injections over the years, most recently the Pneumonia jab, but this one felt like it went deeper and if I am honest hurt more than usual. The whole process was over in just a few minutes, and I was happy to be finally vaccinated.

There have been so many scare stories coming out of Europe in recent days, about the dangers of having the AstraZeneca vaccine. Citing blood clots as a major concern, I was initially in two minds about having it in the first place. I did however do some research of my own and discovered most of the information coming from the Continent wasn't quite as it seemed. After analysing the data, it looked like there were less blood clots recorded after the vaccine was given, than there otherwise would be. Any set of figures can be manipulated to suit an agenda; it is highly likely there was a political motive behind Europe suspending the use of the AstraZeneca vaccine.

My biggest fear was the side effects from the vaccination; everyone I knew who had it, were suffering effects to different degrees. Headaches, chills and fever were commonplace, so I was expecting something very similar. After getting home, I took a couple of paracetamol and waited for the worst to happen. To my surprise however, nothing manifested; after six hours, I was feeling the same I had all day and with an early start tomorrow I went to bed, expecting to wake up in a sweaty mess at some point during the night.

My alarm went off at 4 am, I had slept right through, not waking up once and felt good. There was still no side effects and I got ready to go to work as normal. I did have a slight ache at the front of my right thigh but nothing more. As the day went on at work, I still felt OK, maybe a little tired but otherwise alright. By the time I woke up this morning, my arm was throbbing and felt bruised all over, but everything else was perfect; no headaches, no fatigue and yet another good nights sleep. I guess I won't be suffering like some people, which is great for me. Nevertheless, my lack of symptoms has got me worried about whether my immune system is working as it should be, since this vaccine is supposed to produce some form of immune response.

Once again I did some reading, and it appears you don't have to feel ill or suffer adverse effects for the vaccine to work. It looks like I am just one of the lucky ones, who didn't get a bad reaction. It may well have something to do with my age and immune system not working as good as it once did, but then I have never had any form of after effects from any vaccine I've had; it just, just might be part of my genetic make up. Whatever the reasons, I am just glad I have had the jab and can feel confident that in a few weeks, I will be party protected from COVID-19 and by June 9th, after my second inoculation, I will be as safe as I possibly can.

It looks like we are finally reaching the beginning of the end of the pandemic. Over six hundred thousand people had the vaccine on the same day I did and for that reason, we must all celebrate. As days turn to weeks and months, I am sure we will all finally get back to normal and start once again where we left off. The vaccine roll out is such a triumph here in the UK because of the NHS and their hard work, it has nothing to do with our Government; their record is a disgrace. When future generations look back on this period in fifty, one hundred years time, they will be the ones to make the final judgement on our success or otherwise, until then we are the one's who need to continue doing what we can, to ensure all of us are protected and kept safe. The day is coming, when all of us can  breathe a sigh of relief, throw our masks to the wind and call time on Coronavirus and the devastation it has wreaked!

I had some good news finally this week; I am eligible for the COVID-19 Vaccination. After receiving a text from the NHS, I was able to book my appointment at St James Hospital in Portsmouth relatively easily. Next Thursday, approximately a year after this dreadful pandemic took hold, I will finally get my first injection, followed by a second one on the 9th June.

According to the message I received from the NHS, I have underlying health issues, that have given me priority, during the first wave of vaccinations. I do indeed have many health complications, but I'm not entirely sure which ones have allowed me to receive the jab early. My best guess is, it is a combination of all of them. I do have some kidney issues however, which were highlighted in an ultrasound I recently had. Whatever the reason, I am just glad to be having it as soon as possible. For me, this signals the beginning of the end of the virus and I can't wait to get back to normal.

Surprisingly, there are still some people who don't want the vaccine and I literally have no idea why. I mean why wouldn't you want to protect yourself and others, from the worst effects of this disease. I am baffled by anti-vaxxers and the dangerous misinformation they are peddling, to support their case. Lies and fabrication to encourage others not to have the vaccination are completely dishonest and shows a complete lack of understanding about Coronavirus. Whether these misguided individuals truly believe in the inaccuracies they encourage, or they are simply denying the facts, without any thought or comprehension as to why, I am not sure. Whatever their reasons, they are dangerous and in my opinion, we shouldn't be giving them a platform to peddle their nonsense.

The UK has vaccinated nearly 25 million people now, far more than any other comparable European nation; we should be proud of just what our NHS has achieved. Our Government failed on so many levels at the beginning of this pandemic. I have mentioned their failings many times before and don't want to do so again. What I do what to mention is just how far we have come in the last year. I really can't believe where we were a year ago, compared to today; the biggest vaccination programme in UK history underlies that. This is a country that has changed out of all proportion and whether we return to the 'old normal' is anyone's guess, but the journey all of us have been on, has completely turned our lives upside down.

I've just had a look at my old Facebook status updates on this day last year. To be honest it was scary reading them. The chatter was about the 'killer virus' and how 90 percent of us would contract it by the beginning of 2021. There was certainly a lot of anxiety in my words back then, so much so, it brings back the terrible memories twelve months ago. A lot has happened since last March, just before we headed into the first lockdown, and look where we are now. 125,000 dead, when the Government said 20,000 would be a 'good' outcome and many millions more who have suffered economically and mentally. Patients remain in intensive care, children have missed nearly a year of school, businesses have closed for good and the effects of 'Long COVID' looms large over the landscape; a medical crisis in the making!

Today we are approaching the end of lockdown number three and nearly fifty percent of the adult population are now vaccinated against COVID-19. Death rates are falling and fewer people are contracting Coronavirus. The vaccination programme that began towards the end of December 2020, has done amazingly well at protecting the nation through this terrible period. When I receive my jab next Thursday, I can breathe a slight sigh of relief, until I get my second dose. I hope this really is the beginning of the end of COVID, but none of us can be entirely sure how this traumatic time will conclude; after all, the course of the virus turned out very differently to what we expected. Let's hope all of us can get back to the way things were, hug our family and friends and finally relax again, living our lives as we would like to do. The end is in sight, lets not blow it now.... Stay safe, remain well, keep your distance and above all, HAVE YOUR JAB!

Lockdown is OVER and the shops have finally opened; today was another good day; more positivity in a topsy-turvy world. This 'feeling good' is getting rather habitual, anyone would think I'm actually enjoying myself. Well I can't say I'm relishing every aspect of my life, but I am beginning to see brightness at the end of a very long tunnel. Mercifully I can see new beginnings and the start of betting things to come. I have always been a person who feels the weight of the World on his shoulders and I carry around a lot of anxiety and stress, so when a chink of light, no matter how small or insignificant, presents itself, I tend to grasp it with everything I have.

I have a week off work at the moment and because I have been furloughed from the pub as well, I am able to spend a lot more time with my thoughts and most importantly  my writing. Blogging, discussing ideas and offloading sentiment has always been a great healer, so having more time to write, has allowed me to relax, unwind and put pen to paper, in a way I can't when I am working.  I have so much to say, I often find it difficult to express everything I need to. I say 'need' because that is exactly what I have to do; I have a desire to express myself through contention, probably to relieve the apprehensiveness I often feel, especially at this time!

I took a stroll into town to get a few items from the supermarket; I have been oven cleaning, not my favourite pastime, and wanted to get some more cleaner. The fact that I'm cleaning is in itself a good sign, it means my positive sense of well-being is returning, something I thought had deserted me for good. The truth is I had let myself go recently; feeling run down, old and alone, I was just vegetating, letting the World pass me by, wanting, hoping and wishing for my life to get better. Well my life is still the same, we are still in the middle of a pandemic, but I am at least feeling more effectual and loftier within myself and that's great.

The city centre was buzzing today, there were queues of people everywhere, desperate to go shopping after lockdown. The fact that there were so many people, understandably triggers my anxiety, but despite that, it was still good to see so many faces out and about, I felt alive again. Lockdown 2, just like the first one, has been a very lonely time. I haven't seen anyone except family or work colleagues and I have missed that social interaction, only person to person contact can bring. Hesitant and fearful about where the pandemic goes from here, I did feel relief that cities across the country were once again opening up.

I popped into Cancer Research also, just to make sure everyone was OK. They were all much the same as they were, happy to be back at work, but rather tired of the situation, like all of us. The fact that everyone was there, just like it used to be, chatting away, laughing and joking was more than enough to lift my spirits and make me feel a part of something again. The people at Cancer Research have become more than workmates, they have become close friends, people I enjoy spending time with.

Thankfully I was also able to get my hair cut, the first time I have been to a hairdresser since March this year. Admittedly it was quite an alien experience, having a trim by someone in full PPE. Sat there wearing a mask, is slightly disconcerting also,  and quite frankly, it was rather nerve-racking, but I was just happy to feel normal again, doing everyday stuff, that up until recently we had taken for granted. All of us are creatures of habit, and we just want everything to be conventional, routine and rational, the very opposite of what we are living through today.

I heard on the news this morning, that the new Pfizer vaccine has been approved in the UK and will be rolled out next month, which is even more reason to be optimistic. I do believe we have just turned a corner and this is the beginning of the end of Coronavirus; likewise I feel happier and more content in myself, and I am looking forward to living life once again. Hopefully, when I write my blog next year, I will be able to look back at this time, as the start of something truly wonderful. It will take many months to roll out the new vaccines to everyone in the UK and it is likely circumstances will remain as they are until the spring. Nevertheless, today feels different, there seems to be a sea change in attitudes; the fatigue that had set in a few weeks ago is now beginning to dissipate, as all of us begin to finally breathe a sigh of relief and look forward with hope, not back with consternation.

The Government has just announced what tiers regions will go into when the national lockdown ends on December 2nd. There was no surprise to hear that Portsmouth is going into Tier 2. This is a blow for The Newcome Arms, the local pub where I work, which will have to remain closed, probably until the spring; I'm sure all of us who work there are gutted and hope things will change soon. However, Portsmouth became an example of how not to act, in the final weeks before the lockdown, as people congregated in large groups, ignoring rules and only thought of themselves. As a city we had done so well to keep the virus levels low; a combination of frustration and fatigue has quite simply pushed us into tier two, for however long that remains!

Britain has been living under some level of restriction for quite sometime now and if I am honest, moving into tier 2 will have very little impact on my life. It does nevertheless send a signal that COVID-19 has a long way to run, before we are all out of the woods.

I have never stopped taking precautions, trying to keep safe and protect myself, but there are elements who really just don't care about others. These are the ones who have caused the problems for the rest of society, and they know exactly who they are. I see them every day, not wearing masks, unable to socially distance and disrespecting those of us who have played by the rules and done what we are told. Personally I am sick and tired of their conspiracy theories, constant whinging and lack of empathy for those who are ill or worse, dying in hospitals up and down the Country, because of people like them.

Unlike the rest of Europe in particular, our Coronavirus restrictions have not been taken seriously by the local population and police and local authorities have had little or no powers to enforce the measures in place. I saw so many people blatantly ignoring the law, yet there was very little any of us could do. Most of us just had to sit back and take the challenging behaviour and that was a terrible indictment on Britain as a nation. If we had all pulled together and worked as one, we could be back to relative normality by now, but we just couldn't. Maybe it is part of the psyche of British people or just a uniquely British trait, but we do have a problem with following the rules and that is particularly concerning at times of real national emergency, like today. All of us are to blame for where we are!

Darrell observed yet another milestone in Australia, celebrating his 48th Birthday. Again we are separated by circumstances, thousands of miles between us and a World in turmoil. As usual Darrell and I had our weekly chat about family, friends and the dreaded Coronavirus. Our lives really do seem so different at the moment, so much so I forgot to wish him a Happy Birthday, something I have never done. I don't mind telling all of you how guilty I felt and have tried to phone him since.

It is a sad fact that with our lives firmly rooted in different parts of the World, the milestones that make up our life together take a back seat. This isn't through recrimination or disinterest but pure and simply because of forgetfulness. When you don't live with someone any more, you do tend to forget the important things and that upsets me a lot.

Darrell and I always celebrated our Birthdays to the maximum. Year-on-year we would throw lavish fancy dress parties, inviting those closest to enjoy our respective days, but since our life was turned upside down in 2015, we have lost that part of who we are. The outgoing extrovert that hosted parties, was the life and soul, and never forgot an anniversary, has become old, forgetful and apathetic, and I am resentful of that fact. I detest old age and who I have become and long to travel back in time to better days, once again enjoying my life, with some truly wonderful characters.

Of course, I could witter on about me, feeling sorry for myself and bitter towards the World, but that isn't what this entry is about, it is about Darrell and his 48 years. I would like to be celebrating with him, but it just isn't possible. However, I can at least remember the' jamborees of Birthdays past' and the great times we enjoyed. Every year I would put up the Christmas Tree in time for Darrell's Birthday and fill the house with light, laughter and music. Dressing colourfully, we would party to the early hours; a tradition we continued until we left for Spain. A fridge full of beer and fully stocked cocktail cabinet, a table groaning with food and irate neighbours next door. Happy occasions that seem but a distant memory today, sat alone at home in the middle of a pandemic.

Next year will hopefully be different, the pandemic will be but a distant memory, we will have all been vaccinated and everything will be back to normal, but until then life will be very different. Talking to Darrell today, I was conscious of the memories we were no longer making together, it was a wake-up call, to fight even harder for our right to exist together as a couple, something we are well-used to having to do. Nothing is easy in this World, certainly not for us, so we just have to keep on battling, until the good times roll again!

It's been yet another difficult week for me, not unlike the last  if I am entirely honest. I do tend to dwell on things and I just haven't been able to shake negative thoughts from my mind. I have suffered with depression for most of my life and for the most part have had to learn to deal with it myself. When I look back at the darkest points, the most difficult, challenging times, I am reminded of the connection they all share, namely the people, and the influences they exerted over my sense of well-being, in a negative or positive way!

Last week I was reminded of just how nasty people can be and that continues to remain a source of angst. I have done all I can to rebuild bridges and become a better person, especially after the death of my Mother last October. I thought I had reached a 'happy' point in my life and was feeling a little more content with my situation, even with my husband being trapped on the other side of the World, during the middle of a pandemic, but it seems, I was wrong. My feelings and emotions have taken a back seat over the last year, because other people have needed the support and encouragement to rebuild and rethink their lives. I have been patient and happy to give my time, to ensure a more agreeable consensus is achieved and I believed we had reached a happy medium, but that wasn't the case.  I feel totally flat and deflated and am worried I may be heading towards a place I don't want to go.

I have learnt much about depression over the years; in the past I had a profusion of pills I could use to help get me through the day, antidepressants to take the edge off the way I was feeling or therapy to support me, as I worked through the stresses of life. Today however, I am relying on my willpower, determination and mindset to help get me through, what is becoming a tough and beguiling time. I really do not want to go down the medication route as it just masks the problems I have, leaving them as real as ever, only simmering on the back burner until a later date. I haven't  had to face my demons without a little medical help before, but it is something I need to do now.

Speaking to a friend yesterday, they were concerned I wasn't my usual self and the truth is, I'm not. I feel so let down on many fronts; it is taking a toll on my personality; I have become insular and aloof from the people I need most and that isn't a good sign for me. Nevertheless, it is all I have to deal with the hurt I am feeling and I will continue to do what I believe is right. I have given all my life and never received anything in return. I am withdrawing an important part of who I am, because of what someone has once again done to me. Having been brought down to a level I am not comfortable with I am trying to work out what to do for the best. Life is one big struggle, which seems to have got harder and I just don't want to deal with it; I don't have the fight in me to confront or agonise over circumstances that were not of my making.

All I can do today is escape from the dejection and sadness that I feel and deal with the aftermath at a later date. I am throwing all my energy into work, doing as much overtime as possible and looking for other creative outlets for my writing, so I can continue to express myself in a positive way, on a platform away from this blog. This is a personal forum to showcase my emotions as honestly as I can, but sometimes honesty with oneself isn't the way to overcome tempestuous upset, it just allows me to indulge in a sea of self-pity, selfishness and defeatism. As my mood changes, so does my writing and throughout the last five years of this blog, I have encountered many ups and downs, this is yet another bump in the road, that will play out in front of a readership who hopefully understands the difficulties I face.

I am currently watching Schitt's Creek on Netflix, a hilarious take on failure and loss of wealth and the challenges faced by a family left impoverished, having to pick up the pieces of a broken life. We have all done that from time to time, it is a reminder that life doesn't always run smoothly and although only a television programme, it has offered me an escape at a stressful time. Watching TV, writing, working and social media has given me a channel to relieve the pressure I feel under currently. Speaking to Darrell in Australia is also a welcome break from the tension and trepidation I feel constantly and I hope it will continue to get me through the  dark days.

None of us are finding life easy during this pandemic. In the past, if I had felt the way I do today, I would have just taken off for a few days away or gone to see friends, things none of us can do presently. I am not used to coping with situations beyond my control and will just have to muddle through somehow. Looking out for number one, concentrating on myself for a bit and doing what I want, rather than what people expect of me should help in the short term. Eventually I will come to terms with my retrogressions and past mistakes, of that I have no doubt. Today I want to stay focused and determined to build a future for Darrell and I and finally accept that I will never be the person others want me to be, then and only then will I have made it, comfortable with the person I am and happy to smile again!

On the 22 September 2020 Darrell and I will celebrate our 25th Anniversary, a milestone, we could not have anticipated, a quarter of a century ago. Of course this won't be a celebration like any other we have known, and we will not be able to spend the day together. Australia's borders are currently closed and Darrell will not be able to fly to the UK as we had first planned. Our twenty-five years together will begin with our forced separation, in a World very different from the one we have known.

Darrell and I met each other at a time of upheaval for the gay community. Neither of us had any rights to stay together and for the next six years we fought hard to remain in the UK as partners. I have written much about the challenges we have faced as a gay couple from different corners of the World. It is important to acknowledge the role our families, friends, relatives, officials and Members of Parliament have played, in our quest to help change and adapt  our precarious situation, into the unrestrained, free status we enjoy today. The heartache and pain we suffered in the later part of the twentieth century made us the fighters we are. Nothing phased us and no obstacle was too big to climb, even in the face of deportation from the country we both called home.

The Coronavirus has kept us apart, when the political system couldn't. This period in our history as a couple, indeed the history of the World, has become a barrier to our life as a couple and created difficulties we are unable to overcome currently. Living without the person you love, because of factors beyond your control, is the most frustrating, exasperating experience of my life. Our current circumstances aren't easily circumvented, our well-being is in the hands of an unseen foe and there is absolutely nothing we can do to change that. Worldwide panic has pressed pause on our relationship and that is hard to accept.

We will not be able to spend our 25th Anniversary together this year, but we have the memory of our time together and our Marriage in 2015 to help overcome the pain of severance. When we look back at 2020, we will see this as just another setback in a sea of many. No one could have foreseen the events we are all living through; this should be an opportunity to grow and cultivate new memories to share, as we spend the next twenty-five years together, in the post COVID World!

Cancer Research reopened today, after closing its doors nearly four months ago, just before the pandemic took hold in the UK. I will be returning to my voluntary job next week, but wanted to pop into the shop today, to see what measures are in place when I finally start on Monday morning. Not knowing what to expect, I was pleasantly surprised  at how organised everything was. By their very nature, charity shops, create the feeling of cluttered disorder, so working in such an environment will be yet another challenge to overcome in the age of COVID.

I stayed for about an hour chatting to Zerina and Sam, as they navigated this new World, which remains alien to them on their first working day. Of course, having worked for Tesco for the last four months during the height of the virus, I am well-used to the social distancing measures in place to protect staff and customers; Cancer Research have done well to get everything ready and in place for the reawakening today.

It was great sat talking with Zerina once again, having only spoken to her on the phone; I have always enjoyed her company and as with the Newcome on Saturday, it felt like I had never been away. She was her usual jovial self  and realistic about the difficulties ahead. My biggest concern is accepting donations from the public and what procedures are in place to limit exposure to any potential danger. By next Monday, I will be working in three front facing, customer orientated roles and that leaves me at a higher risk than most, so anything that can be done to protect me at this time is important. I am a natural worrier who suffers with anxiety, so reassurance and peace of mind are mandatory to my sense of well-being!

All donations will be stored for 72 hours before being displayed in the shop, in case of any contamination. There are of course gloves, masks and visors, should I need them and like most other establishments, a one way system is in place. I feel confident enough to return and once again next week and want to play my part at this crucial time. Too much Cancer research has been put on hold and with a lack of income, charities have suffered more than most, so as someone who has volunteered for many years, I feel it is right to continue to help raise funds, for a cause that is dear to my heart.

I would like to wish everyone at the shop the best of luck for the future, and look forward to playing a small role in the perpetual success of this friendly shop, at a time when the World needs all the help it can get!

Stay safe everyone!

On Saturday the 4th July The Newcome Public House reopens after three months of forced closure. The Government is finally allowing pubs, bars and restaurants to open, even though the UK's death and infection rate remains high. Hospitality venues up and down the country have to make difficult decisions, as they decide whether to open or not. This has been a difficult time for many businesses and in order to survive the coming months they need to restart where they left off and finally welcome back customers, after a traumatic few months away.

Like most people I am apprehensive about the next steps towards the new normal. I have worked public houses, whether here in Britain or Spain for around four years now and have never experienced such a stressful, debilitating time. I have always enjoyed serving customers, chatting over the bar and the social aspect of working in a pub, but today I just don't know what to expect, as The Newcome opens its doors once again and I start my shift on Saturday night.

I popped into work today to see how the preparations are going and Ellie seems to have everything in hand. New entrances and exits, hand sanitizer at every door and posters advertising the new rules and regulations to patrons, will now be common place. There will be no sitting at the bar, no disorderly conduct and no contact with staff. We are entering a new untested era, where the pandemic has taken over our everyday lives in a way we have not known before, so it is natural to feel nervous, just as I was working for Tesco during the first few weeks of lockdown.

Tesco's response during this national crisis has been exceptional. The safety of staff has always taken priority and it wasn't long before I felt safe enough to carry on working in a job I love. The Newcome is also introducing new measures and codes of conduct that have put my mind at ease somewhat. As long as customers behave sensibly I am confident this adjustment period will be a success.

It is crucial that local taverns open as soon as they are able. They remain the lifeblood of local communities up and down the country and without them, all of us will suffer, losing a major contribution to neighbourhood life. Support The Newcome however you can, be mindful of the staff who serve and understand the limitations this pandemic perpetuates. All of us will welcome you back with open arms, without the touching of course, and hope you will play a part in making The Newcome the success it always was!