It was back to the Cancer Research fold today, after a few weeks break. Not only have I been busy, working everyday for over a fortnight, but I have had a few personal issues to sort out. It really felt good to be back with the gang, even though I did find it hard.

Let me explain...

...On Thursday I was put on beta blockers, a drug that slows your heart rate down. As a person, I have always suffered with anxiety, nothing major, but enough of an issue to see my Doctor about. On top of this, I have had some blood pressure and heart issues, culminating in a rather high heart rate of 198 beats per minute. After explaining my concerns to my GP, she suggested taking beta blockers, they not only slow your heart down but also help deal with the physical symptoms of anxiety. Well I duly followed her advice and started a course of Propranolol on Thursday; 40 mg up to three times a day, hoping to at least start dealing with the concerns I currently have.

I have been in a little bit of a daze since taking these pills and have found adjusting to them rather difficult, but understand it is important to carry on taking the medication. Today with my heart rate down to 55 beats a minute, I made my way to Cancer Research to begin a few hours work, hoping to overcome the side effects I am suffering. Being around Zerina and everyone who work there is always a tonic and I got through the day remarkably well, despite feeling lightheaded and rather unsteady at times. I have reduced the dose of Propranolol I am taking, from 40mg to 10mg, hoping to gradually increase the level administered over the next few weeks. I really am not enjoying the ghastly aftermath these tablets are causing, but am sure it will change in time.

Interestingly another volunteer was able to reassure me about beta blockers, explaining his difficulties using them himself, allowing me to breath a sigh of relief somewhat, understanding more about just how this medication works. For a time this morning I was concerned my heart was beating far too slowly, but believe this is all part of the initial stages of 'bedding in,' as my body gets used to its new regime. The advice I was given today has lifted my mood and allowed me to look forward positively, trying to focus on the bigger picture, rather than panicking about the side effects.

Being around the team at Cancer Research was a joy this Monday, lifting ones spirits at an onerous time; enjoying the company of friends, dressing up and in lighthearted mood, I was able to put my problems on the back burner. Laughter is the biggest medicine of all, better than all the beta blockers in the World, so it's the most important time of the week for me, a time that I will always cherish fondly, making money for good causes, memories for today and affording meaning where there was none; there's no better pay packet than that!

It has been four years since I started blogging in 2015 and I am delighted to say I am enjoying it more today than I ever have. Blogging has become an important part of my life, it is the first thing I do when I wake up and the last activity I undertake before bed. Writing is a passion that will never be broken; I look forward to the next four years.

I have learned a lot since I started my first blog 'Bipolarcoaster' in April 2015. 'Bipolarcoaster' was a first tentative step into the unknown. I made many mistakes but always maintained the same desire to record and document my thoughts, feelings and events, which true to form, still remains today.

Thousands of people click on 'Roaming Brit' daily, all wanting to read about my latest endeavours. My life isn't particularly exciting, but the difficulties I have experienced and continue to experience have resonated with those who take an interest in the stories I tell. To all of you who continue to read my entries, I would like to thank you for your commitment and for highlighting the subjects I write about - mental illness, homosexuality, bullying, travelling and life living in Spain. Your loyalty is humbling and you are all responsible for the success of 'Bipolarcoaster,' 'Forever Enduring Cycles' and of course my latest blog 'Roaming Brit!'

As I enter my fifth year blogging I hope to keep your interest alive and tackle many more difficult subjects, close to my heart. As ever your participation is crucial and I look forward to hearing from you, as I do in your messages, texts and emails everyday...You are all 'Roaming Brits!'

On Monday, I sadly lost my Aunty Carol, after a five year battle with Ovarian Cancer. My Aunt was a very special lady, someone I will miss dearly, as I know all our family will. Despite her own difficulties in life Carol always had time for others; for me she was a link to a family I thought I had lost forever. She was the bridge to my Mother and Father at such a crucial time for us and she was in part responsible for the relationship I now have with my parents.

Aunty Carol was first and foremost a family person; anyone who knew her could see the amazing bond she had with her children and Grandchildren. As a unit they were close, it showed in the rapport all of them had together. I attended a family function in the local village hall we had always used as a family, to celebrate milestones in all our lives, on my return from Spain in May last year. I was immediately transported back to my childhood, surrounded by those closest; Aunts, Uncles and numerous Cousins and at the centre of it all with my Cousin Carrie-Anne, helping to make sure everything ran smoothly, was my Aunty Carol. My own immediate family, were never close and I always looked towards my Aunt to give direction and gently encourage me to do the right thing.

For many years I was distant from most of my maternal family; my Great Aunt Carol however was always in contact, keeping me updated on family events, births, deaths and marriages and how she was keeping, as her health deteriorated. So despite my estrangement from the majority of my relatives, I still had a relationship with my Aunt, who was a great source of inspiration and support, during some very challenging times. I was always pleased to hear from her and looked forward to receiving her messages. Equally Carol was one of the few people who was in regular contact with my Mother and Father and gradually over time, she persuaded me to contact my parents once again and begin the process of building a new relationship with them.

I became closest to my Aunt while living in Spain. I found my time in Gran Alacant isolating and lonely, consequently messaging my Aunt more regularly; she was a link to my family that I was missing and wanted to once again contact, beginning the process of rebuilding a connection. I needed to open a channel to my parents and carol was the one who helped me do that, eventually re-establishing a relationship and facilitating our meeting on my return to the UK.

I saw Aunty Carol a few weeks ago, just before she died. She was on the same ward as my Mother at The Queen Alexandra Hospital in Portsmouth. She was in a private room, at the end of the corridor, to try and keep her as far away from other patients as possible. She was undergoing Chemotherapy at the time and was extremely prone to infection.

I was lucky enough to spend an hour talking with my Aunt and Uncle, which was a special time for me. We spoke about the old days, family life and what the future holds. Carol was upbeat and chipper, as she always had been, despite the pain she was experiencing; her loss of hair and mobility issues, irrelevant as she expressed the love she had for her family. She was immaculately dressed as usual, her nails, perfectly manicured, articulate and happy be around those who loved her. As we spoke, I became fully aware of her enduring agony and discomfort and the courage she was showing under the most extreme circumstances. This was a woman who had great strength of character and put others before her own self interest, this was someone who had done everything possible to watch her family grow. Battles are won through the hearts and minds of those who play a part; she remained unassailable right to the very end!

I will miss my Aunt terribly, she was a great source of comfort  at  troublesome times. She leaves behind a legacy that includes a wonderful family and a positive outlook on life, two things I have taken to heart and will continue to live by, as I move towards my fifties. I was lucky enough to play a small role in her life and will always remember the happy times I spent in her company, as I know everyone who knew her will as well. Rest in peace dear Aunt, I will see you one day again I'm sure. Until then, keep smiling down, watching over everyone who loved you, looked up to you and remembers you for the amazing, beautiful, unique person you were!

Yesterday I spent Christmas Day with family and friends and my Aunts house in Portsmouth. I have not had a family Christmas for over ten years, so was looking forward to spending quality time with those closest. My Aunt has gone over the top this Christmas, as she does every year by all accounts and I was amazed by the amount of presents in the house, when I returned from a mammoth sixteen hours working on Christmas Eve. To be honest, I slept like a log and woke up at a rather respectable 8.30 am, instead of the usual 4.00 am; it was nice to finally get a decent nights shut eye.

My Aunt had been up since the early hours, cooking and preparing the house for the day ahead. I spent the morning finishing some writing and getting ready to pop around my Cousin Cerissa's home, a little over five minutes walk from where I live, where we met the rest of the family and exchanged gifts!.

The rest of the day was spent eating and drinking, opening presents and playing party games; the usual things every family does at this time of year. I did manage to phone my Mother and Father, Darrell and speak to my Aunty Margaret in Liverpool! Darrell had spent the day quietly with his Mum, who sadly at the moment, is ill. The chemotherapy is clearly taking its toll and I am glad Darrell is there with Mum at this time, she needs all the support she can get. With my Mother still in Hospital, Dad spent the day with her; not their usual Christmas, but something they will have to get used too, now they are both getting older. Finally my Aunt in Liverpool had a quick chat, updating me on family gossip, sending her love to my Mum and Dad. Phone calls to family we are unable to see in person during the festive season is important. Whether you agree with the religious connections behind Christmas or not, the one thing we can all agree upon, is the benefits of spending time with those dear to us.

I have reconnected with family over the last six months, in a way I haven't done before. Christmas was an important milestone in my relationship with the important people in my life. For the first time I took part in celebrations that only a short time ago would have been unthinkable. Today I look forward to a more positive future surrounded by family, something that has become paramount at my time of life. Wherever we are in the World, it is always good to finally come home for Christmas!

Today my partner and husband Darrell is celebrating his Birthday, at home in Australia. It is difficult being away from the person you love, especially at times of celebration, so today I thought I would speak briefly about our life together.

We met each other in 1995, whist Darrell was back packing around the UK, initially staying with friends in Newbury and later moving to Southampton. At first I didn't get on with this arrogant Ozzie and we rarely spoke, but gradually over time, we both became friends and later partners. When our relationship began twenty three years ago, we both ran away to Australia with just the clothes on our backs, establishing our relationship together. These were carefree, innocent times, happy days spent at first in London staying in the worst of hotels, with the happiest of memories, before we caught our flight to Perth, and finally Australia itself, a world away from the life I left behind!

We travelled from one side of the World to the other for a few years, eventually settling in Britain. I personally found it very difficult to adjust to Australian life and for twenty years we lived relatively happily in the UK. I say relatively, because our life was never really normal from the get go. Fighting successive Governments, to allow Darrell and I to remain together in the UK on a permanent basis, became a common aspect of our life. Deportation orders, Judicial Reviews and appeals to the Home Office, together with a change of Prime minister, eventually allowed us to stay together unhindered in 2001, after six years of battling.

During those 'bipolarcoaster' years we put much of our life on hold, unable to follow the careers we wanted, because of rules that prevented us from doing so. Both of us drifted from job to job, surviving and enjoying our new found freedoms. A combination of lifestyle and bullying, eventually opened the door for us to follow a new life in Spain. If we thought we battled in Britain, Spain was an altogether more intense period of hardship. The majority of the three years we spent living abroad we lived apart, as Darrell flew to and from Australia caring for his Mother, who was diagnosed with cancer a few months after our arrival.

We fought hard to stay in Spain, Darrell eventually obtaining his right to remain there, after returning indelibly in May 2017. For a while life was good; Darrell worked at Alicante Airport driving and I worked for a bar in Gran Alacant. This brief period of contentment didn't last like most things in our life, after the Spanish authorities threatened to remove his EU license, due to his Australian nationality. At this point we both decided enough was enough and I returned to the UK. Darrell remained in Spain to finish his employment contract and I began the process of reconnecting with family, after my Mother also fell seriously ill.

After four months Darrell returned to the UK before flying  to Australia to care for his ailing Mother, leaving me firmly rooted in Portsmouth, living with family, while my Mum also battles illness. We are both once again living apart for reasons beyond our control, but the enduring strength of longevity ensures we are very much a couple still, and will always be so.

As Darrell celebrates his Birthday with family in Australia, we are more self aware and comfortable with who we are than we ever have been. From a relationship that saw us together 24/7 for our first twenty years together,  to our current circumstances, forging our own unique ways in life independently, for now. The sense of achievement and satisfaction at our forbearance as a couple is palpable; I am proud of us and looking forward to a future that was born from adversity. We will survive because we have to, we are the sum of our own experiences because we have learned to, and we have a history behind us that dictates who we have become.

The milestones in our life our many, the journey is not yet over and I am looking forward to many more happy years together. Happy Birthday Darrell, all my love! x

On Sunday morning Mum was rushed to Queen Alexandra Hospital in Portsmouth once again. Dad had phoned an ambulance after Mother became confused, unable to talk properly and extremely unwell. The paramedics arrived quickly where they assessed the situation. They immediately informed my Father that Mum would have to go into Accident and Emergency straight away; Of course she objected, as she has done on every other occasion, refusing to leave the house. Concerned, my Father was taken to one side and advised she would be dead by the morning unless she was admitted now. After much consternation, Mum agreed and was taken straight to QA, where she remains today.

My Aunt Trisha had informed me of the situation on Sunday, she is a nurse at the Hospital and was already aware of my Mothers state of health. She told me to expect a call from Dad on Monday, after Mum's circumstances became clearer. Naturally worried, I went to bed feeling apprehensive about the future. We had been here before, but this time things felt different. The seriousness of the situation would become evident, but for now it was time to sleep  and try to prepare for what was coming!

I awoke at 5am on Monday, sat bolt upright in bed; it had been a difficult night with very little sleep, but plenty of dreaming and thinking about the past and events that shaped my life. For the next few hours I laid quietly, remembering childhood events and fun times with family. Dad eventually phoned and informed me of Mum's condition. His voice was rather shaky and his words inaudible at times, but he did manage to tell me that the Hospital wanted to speak to us as a family, as soon as possible, believing at the time Mum had had a stroke, on top of everything else. I cancelled my day of volunteering with Cancer Research and made my way to the 'Acute Medical Unit' at the Hospital.

I arrived before Dad, walking into the ward, looking around briefly to see where Mum was situated. Unable to recognise anyone, I spoke to a nurse who directed me to her bed. I had seen this lady when I first turned up, but hadn't identified her; Mum was in a terrible state and I was shocked at her condition. On arrival, a lady Doctor came over and told me that Mum hadn't suffered a stroke. From me their was a  sigh of relief, followed by a stark reality check, as she continued to relay her concerns for my Mothers health. She would talk to Dad and I when he was also here, rather than saying anything now; In the meantime I sat patiently holding Mum's hand.

Shortly afterwards Dad entered the ward and pulled back the curtain around Mum's bed. Looking frail and tired, understandable after such a traumatic ordeal, he embraced his wife of 51 years. He was followed closely behind by my Aunt and finally the lady Doctor and a  colleague who went straight over to Mum's side, reviewing her medical records and discussing her condition briefly with each another. Quickly we were directed to a private room, where we were given a detailed prognosis and warned of what to expect in the coming hours.

Mum was trying to fight off a severe infection, but was so weak it seemed likely she wouldn't recover and over the next forty eight hours we should prepare ourselves for the worst. The Consultant who spoke to us said she was unlikely to survive and we were asked whether we wanted Mum to be resuscitated in the event of her untimely death. After briefly looking at one another, horrified at what we were hearing, we agreed it wouldn't be right to put Mum through anymore pain. A combination of low sodium levels, an inability to continue battling and a negative reaction to the antibiotics that were being administered, were all contributory factors in Mothers rapid decline; it was time to consider the future and what would happen after Mum's passing.

All of us were shocked and upset at what we had heard; emotions were running high as we all congregated at Mum's bedside. Aunt Trisha had contacted my Brother and while we waited for him to arrive we decided to go to the Hospital canteen on B level to talk about what was going on. Dad discussed Mum's funeral wishes, reminisced about past events and shed a few tears. Plans were made about what we should all do in the immediate aftermath and I managed to phone relatives who needed to know the gravity of Mum's condition. We all did what we could while we waited for the inevitable.

My Brother arrived an hour and a half later, looking as shell shocked as us all. This was the first time I had seen my younger sibling in ten years, so after an initial period of awkwardness, we hugged and manged to put our differences aside for the shake of our parents. Sitting at Mum's bedside we talked about the 'old days,' while she slowly meandered in and out of consciousness. My Aunt Helen who I had contacted earlier phoned me back and informed me she would fly to the UK that evening from her home in the Channel Islands, staying with her other sisters, until they could come in to make their final farewells in the morning. A couple of hours later my Uncle Paul arrived, sitting talking with Mum as best he could, not holding out much hope for the future, like us all. I left at 7pm with my Aunt, believing Mum wouldn't survive the night, this was the final farewell, the moment all families dread!

The following day, Mum was sat up in bed talking with family and Hospital staff alike, miraculously she had survived and was almost chirpy in her behaviour. Dad phoned and was positive, believing Mum could actually survive this, and as I left for work in the evening, I was looking forward to seeing her the next day. Everyone at work were fantastic offering support and help if needed; I began to feel that the tide was turning and all my prayers had been answered.

On Monday Mum had been given 48 hours to live and expectations were low. When I saw her yesterday, whilst not as good as the day before, she was communicating well and as feisty as ever; our assumptions had changed and a belief in Mothers fighting spirit was being realised. In truth Mum has been through a lot and we are still not completely sure of her current state. The latest diagnosis includes e coli on top of everything else; yet another ailment to add to a growing list. Mother has survived before and there is no reason to expect she wont now. As long as her family are here to support her and of course more importantly my father at this difficult time, I am hopeful she can overcome her current state of health. She nearly died on Monday and is still fighting on Thursday, the longer and harder she battles the more sanguine we all are. Confidence and optimism has got us through some terrible days before, it seems likely they can again!

Yesterday I reached another milestone, the gran old age of 47; not the happiest time of year for me; however Birthday's are an inevitable part of life. To be honest, as soon as I reached the age of 30, I never really enjoyed Birthdays as much as I used to. When I look at facebook and other social media, I am a little jealous, observing friends and family enjoying themselves, as they celebrate the day they were born, but I remain a realist; A Birthday celebration just equates to being another year older and that much closer to death. Gosh, that does sound a little miserable doesn't it, but it's the way I feel. In my humble opinion I have very little to celebrate and just want the 9th May to pass by quickly, without fanfare!

Of course that wasn't always the way. I have had some fantastic Birthdays in the past, always in fancy dress, surrounded by wonderful friends and family, something I don't necessarily have over here. I do miss the UK, specifically for the people I left behind, they were always a great source of inspiration, especially at times when one was feeling low, anxious or a little run down. Sadly in Spain we don't have the same support network and we have been very much on our own since moving here. I suppose as I have got older, I have realised I need certain individuals in my life and am reaching out to those I regard as important more and more.

I miss being surrounded by people; we used to have lots of friends coming and going all the time. Our house was always full to the rafters, there was never a moments peace, but looking back on those days now, I thoroughly enjoyed the company. Believe it or not, I am not the anti social old man I have become, I am actually a people person, who enjoys the closeness of others. My life has become somewhat lifeless, for want of a better word.

Of course, part of the problem is me, without a doubt, but having to live a hand to mouth existence has also taken its toll. In truth I have never really had the resources to live the life I want in Spain. I don't think I have struggled this much EVER. When I look at the youngsters round here, out every night, drinking and partying, I am a bit jealous, but then something drags me back to reality and I just continue living the frugal life I have. Someone did say to me the other day, that it was about time I lived a more sustainable lifestyle anyway and I tend to agree. As a race of people we are all far too wasteful and I have had a lot of growing up to do.

For now both our lives are far better in Spain than they were in the UK, despite the hurdles we have to cross. As a couple we have always managed to navigate the problems of a difficult relationship, rarely apart in twenty three years. We have of course come close to living separately, but at least now we are able to remain together as a couple, which hasn't always been the case. The more we have struggled in life, the more we have fought....WE HAVEN'T LOST A BATTLE YET!

My 47th Birthday has given me much to think about; I have been in reflective mood, recalling Birthday's past, people, family and the life I once had. I have also been looking forward to the future and understand we live in difficult times; only we can make things happen, it's up to us to change, because the World isn't going to adjust for us. With your support and words of encouragement, we will always come out on top! Thank you to everyone for all your Birthday messages, they have most certainly put a smile on my face!

Yesterday was busy; I was up early sorting out yet more paperwork, only this time for not for Spain. We had asked a friend from Gran Alacant to accompany us to Murcia, where we had to have a police check carried out, confirming that both of us have no convictions.

Darrell and I had to travel to Murcia, a large city, about 80KM from Alicante. The Ministry of Justice Office is situated in the centre, above a shop; you wouldn't even know it's there, except for the small sign outside. After handing over our passports and residencia cards, we were good to go. Due to my residency status in Spain, the Ministry will also apply to Britain for my records, killing two birds with one stone, saving me the difficulties of applying for my police check in the UK. Darrell however wasn't so lucky. Due to his non EU status, he will have to ask for his British records himself. The documents were also apostilled or legalised on site, once again saving both of us the time and effort, contacting the relevant Government department. 

This was the quickest pain free task, I have ever gone through in Spain, everything was completed in twenty minutes. We both have to wait for two weeks, to get the final documents back and then finally have all the paperwork translated into English, part of the course when you are living in a non English speaking country; apart from this formality we are nearly at the end of the process here in Spain.

Over the next few weeks, we have just a few final engagements to undertake before we leave. We need to renounce our residency status and apply for our tax refunds, so we can finally move forwards away from our continental adventure. I am of course sad to be leaving this place, but at least we can both say, we have survived the Spanish system and lived a fairly full life.