It's been yet another difficult week for me, not unlike the last  if I am entirely honest. I do tend to dwell on things and I just haven't been able to shake negative thoughts from my mind. I have suffered with depression for most of my life and for the most part have had to learn to deal with it myself. When I look back at the darkest points, the most difficult, challenging times, I am reminded of the connection they all share, namely the people, and the influences they exerted over my sense of well-being, in a negative or positive way!

Last week I was reminded of just how nasty people can be and that continues to remain a source of angst. I have done all I can to rebuild bridges and become a better person, especially after the death of my Mother last October. I thought I had reached a 'happy' point in my life and was feeling a little more content with my situation, even with my husband being trapped on the other side of the World, during the middle of a pandemic, but it seems, I was wrong. My feelings and emotions have taken a back seat over the last year, because other people have needed the support and encouragement to rebuild and rethink their lives. I have been patient and happy to give my time, to ensure a more agreeable consensus is achieved and I believed we had reached a happy medium, but that wasn't the case.  I feel totally flat and deflated and am worried I may be heading towards a place I don't want to go.

I have learnt much about depression over the years; in the past I had a profusion of pills I could use to help get me through the day, antidepressants to take the edge off the way I was feeling or therapy to support me, as I worked through the stresses of life. Today however, I am relying on my willpower, determination and mindset to help get me through, what is becoming a tough and beguiling time. I really do not want to go down the medication route as it just masks the problems I have, leaving them as real as ever, only simmering on the back burner until a later date. I haven't  had to face my demons without a little medical help before, but it is something I need to do now.

Speaking to a friend yesterday, they were concerned I wasn't my usual self and the truth is, I'm not. I feel so let down on many fronts; it is taking a toll on my personality; I have become insular and aloof from the people I need most and that isn't a good sign for me. Nevertheless, it is all I have to deal with the hurt I am feeling and I will continue to do what I believe is right. I have given all my life and never received anything in return. I am withdrawing an important part of who I am, because of what someone has once again done to me. Having been brought down to a level I am not comfortable with I am trying to work out what to do for the best. Life is one big struggle, which seems to have got harder and I just don't want to deal with it; I don't have the fight in me to confront or agonise over circumstances that were not of my making.

All I can do today is escape from the dejection and sadness that I feel and deal with the aftermath at a later date. I am throwing all my energy into work, doing as much overtime as possible and looking for other creative outlets for my writing, so I can continue to express myself in a positive way, on a platform away from this blog. This is a personal forum to showcase my emotions as honestly as I can, but sometimes honesty with oneself isn't the way to overcome tempestuous upset, it just allows me to indulge in a sea of self-pity, selfishness and defeatism. As my mood changes, so does my writing and throughout the last five years of this blog, I have encountered many ups and downs, this is yet another bump in the road, that will play out in front of a readership who hopefully understands the difficulties I face.

I am currently watching Schitt's Creek on Netflix, a hilarious take on failure and loss of wealth and the challenges faced by a family left impoverished, having to pick up the pieces of a broken life. We have all done that from time to time, it is a reminder that life doesn't always run smoothly and although only a television programme, it has offered me an escape at a stressful time. Watching TV, writing, working and social media has given me a channel to relieve the pressure I feel under currently. Speaking to Darrell in Australia is also a welcome break from the tension and trepidation I feel constantly and I hope it will continue to get me through the  dark days.

None of us are finding life easy during this pandemic. In the past, if I had felt the way I do today, I would have just taken off for a few days away or gone to see friends, things none of us can do presently. I am not used to coping with situations beyond my control and will just have to muddle through somehow. Looking out for number one, concentrating on myself for a bit and doing what I want, rather than what people expect of me should help in the short term. Eventually I will come to terms with my retrogressions and past mistakes, of that I have no doubt. Today I want to stay focused and determined to build a future for Darrell and I and finally accept that I will never be the person others want me to be, then and only then will I have made it, comfortable with the person I am and happy to smile again!

On the 22 September 2020 Darrell and I will celebrate our 25th Anniversary, a milestone, we could not have anticipated, a quarter of a century ago. Of course this won't be a celebration like any other we have known, and we will not be able to spend the day together. Australia's borders are currently closed and Darrell will not be able to fly to the UK as we had first planned. Our twenty-five years together will begin with our forced separation, in a World very different from the one we have known.

Darrell and I met each other at a time of upheaval for the gay community. Neither of us had any rights to stay together and for the next six years we fought hard to remain in the UK as partners. I have written much about the challenges we have faced as a gay couple from different corners of the World. It is important to acknowledge the role our families, friends, relatives, officials and Members of Parliament have played, in our quest to help change and adapt  our precarious situation, into the unrestrained, free status we enjoy today. The heartache and pain we suffered in the later part of the twentieth century made us the fighters we are. Nothing phased us and no obstacle was too big to climb, even in the face of deportation from the country we both called home.

The Coronavirus has kept us apart, when the political system couldn't. This period in our history as a couple, indeed the history of the World, has become a barrier to our life as a couple and created difficulties we are unable to overcome currently. Living without the person you love, because of factors beyond your control, is the most frustrating, exasperating experience of my life. Our current circumstances aren't easily circumvented, our well-being is in the hands of an unseen foe and there is absolutely nothing we can do to change that. Worldwide panic has pressed pause on our relationship and that is hard to accept.

We will not be able to spend our 25th Anniversary together this year, but we have the memory of our time together and our Marriage in 2015 to help overcome the pain of severance. When we look back at 2020, we will see this as just another setback in a sea of many. No one could have foreseen the events we are all living through; this should be an opportunity to grow and cultivate new memories to share, as we spend the next twenty-five years together, in the post COVID World!

Cancer Research reopened today, after closing its doors nearly four months ago, just before the pandemic took hold in the UK. I will be returning to my voluntary job next week, but wanted to pop into the shop today, to see what measures are in place when I finally start on Monday morning. Not knowing what to expect, I was pleasantly surprised  at how organised everything was. By their very nature, charity shops, create the feeling of cluttered disorder, so working in such an environment will be yet another challenge to overcome in the age of COVID.

I stayed for about an hour chatting to Zerina and Sam, as they navigated this new World, which remains alien to them on their first working day. Of course, having worked for Tesco for the last four months during the height of the virus, I am well-used to the social distancing measures in place to protect staff and customers; Cancer Research have done well to get everything ready and in place for the reawakening today.

It was great sat talking with Zerina once again, having only spoken to her on the phone; I have always enjoyed her company and as with the Newcome on Saturday, it felt like I had never been away. She was her usual jovial self  and realistic about the difficulties ahead. My biggest concern is accepting donations from the public and what procedures are in place to limit exposure to any potential danger. By next Monday, I will be working in three front facing, customer orientated roles and that leaves me at a higher risk than most, so anything that can be done to protect me at this time is important. I am a natural worrier who suffers with anxiety, so reassurance and peace of mind are mandatory to my sense of well-being!

All donations will be stored for 72 hours before being displayed in the shop, in case of any contamination. There are of course gloves, masks and visors, should I need them and like most other establishments, a one way system is in place. I feel confident enough to return and once again next week and want to play my part at this crucial time. Too much Cancer research has been put on hold and with a lack of income, charities have suffered more than most, so as someone who has volunteered for many years, I feel it is right to continue to help raise funds, for a cause that is dear to my heart.

I would like to wish everyone at the shop the best of luck for the future, and look forward to playing a small role in the perpetual success of this friendly shop, at a time when the World needs all the help it can get!

Stay safe everyone!

On Saturday the 4th July The Newcome Public House reopens after three months of forced closure. The Government is finally allowing pubs, bars and restaurants to open, even though the UK's death and infection rate remains high. Hospitality venues up and down the country have to make difficult decisions, as they decide whether to open or not. This has been a difficult time for many businesses and in order to survive the coming months they need to restart where they left off and finally welcome back customers, after a traumatic few months away.

Like most people I am apprehensive about the next steps towards the new normal. I have worked public houses, whether here in Britain or Spain for around four years now and have never experienced such a stressful, debilitating time. I have always enjoyed serving customers, chatting over the bar and the social aspect of working in a pub, but today I just don't know what to expect, as The Newcome opens its doors once again and I start my shift on Saturday night.

I popped into work today to see how the preparations are going and Ellie seems to have everything in hand. New entrances and exits, hand sanitizer at every door and posters advertising the new rules and regulations to patrons, will now be common place. There will be no sitting at the bar, no disorderly conduct and no contact with staff. We are entering a new untested era, where the pandemic has taken over our everyday lives in a way we have not known before, so it is natural to feel nervous, just as I was working for Tesco during the first few weeks of lockdown.

Tesco's response during this national crisis has been exceptional. The safety of staff has always taken priority and it wasn't long before I felt safe enough to carry on working in a job I love. The Newcome is also introducing new measures and codes of conduct that have put my mind at ease somewhat. As long as customers behave sensibly I am confident this adjustment period will be a success.

It is crucial that local taverns open as soon as they are able. They remain the lifeblood of local communities up and down the country and without them, all of us will suffer, losing a major contribution to neighbourhood life. Support The Newcome however you can, be mindful of the staff who serve and understand the limitations this pandemic perpetuates. All of us will welcome you back with open arms, without the touching of course, and hope you will play a part in making The Newcome the success it always was!

The World does seem to be in a constant state of flux at the moment. The pandemic is still raging across continents, taking lives indiscriminately, creating uncertainty and leaving a trail of death and destruction that will take generations to mitigate. After the death of George Floyd, the 'Black Lives Matter' (human rights organisation) campaign is gathering pace globally, as black people fight for equality and campaign against violence and systematic racism towards black people. And all of us juggle our ever decreasing finances to make ends meet, as unemployment continues to rise, in the wake of COVID-19. These are strange, difficult and thought-provoking times, a period that will be talked about for years to come. The adversities all of us face on a daily basis, do indeed make us who we are and with circumstances the way they are I am reminded of my own battles, many of which I still fight today!

I was always a child who suffered at the hands of bullies. I knew I was gay from about the age of eleven and consequently found it hard to hide who I was. Back in the early 1980s, it was not acceptable to be homosexual  and I suffered physically and mentally as a result. When I look back at my school days I shudder at just how bad they were and what I had to do to survive. There was of course an element of lying about who I was, but there was more than that. I knew I was different, found men attractive and couldn't be who I wanted to be, but I was still a young boy growing up at a time of great prejudice, with feelings that were so different to my peers and as a result I became a 'self isolating outcast,' spending the majority of the time on my own, away from others, for fear of being attacked or worse, for who I was.

Of course when one spends too much time on ones own, the real battles outside turn to conflicts in the mind. My mental health became fragile, from an early age, but without the help and support people are accorded today, I tried and failed miserably, to overcome some dark and distressing periods. I often felt deeply depressed and alone and more worryingly had suicidal thoughts, that overtook my life. While my friends were growing up 'normally' enjoying all the activities 'normal' kids enjoy, I rapidly became more and more insular, afraid and scared of the future.

At the same time, AIDS impacted all our lives, rather like the pandemic of today and my sexuality became even more of a problem; I cried every night wrestling with fears that were spiralling out of control. I believed being gay would kill me and I wouldn't be able to stop it. I had no one to talk to, since the Government of the time introduced 'Section 28' prohibiting any conversations with professionals, who could have helped and life became even more pained than it was already. By the time I left school in 1987, I was a nervous wreck, with nowhere to turn, turning to alcohol and cigarettes for support.

The early 90s was a time of great liberation; I finally found myself and accept my lot in life. I attended Pride marches, joined the Anti-Nazi League and began fighting for my right to exist as a gay man. There were set backs and phases when I questioned my sexuality, but this was due to other people opinions and their destructive influences. I was attacked several times and on one occasion thrown into the back of a car and beaten for over an hour, finally thrown out in a ditch at the side of the road, where, battered and bruised I made my way home. The constant assaults and barrage of abuse  made me even more determined to carry on being me and I became physically stronger as a result. Despite this my mental health was in tatters and depression and suicide raised their ugly heads again.

When I met my current husband in 1995, I was ready to settle down with someone I truly loved and that is where my biggest struggle began. Darrell was Australian, and we were both embarking on a same-sex relationship during a time when we were not recognised as a couple. In law, we were denied the right to live together and were told to move to Australia or another country that recognised the nature of our relationship; there was literally no precedent in place to allow us to coexist in Britain. You have to remember this was a time when discrimination was rife, commonplace and endemic in British culture, and we had to fight hard to establish our credentials as a partnership.

Initially we moved to Australia and back again, finally ending up back in Perth for a second time, with the intention of living there for the rest of our lives. Circumstances dictated our next move; Labour won the next General Election of 1997, and we made a last ditched attempt to restart our life in the UK, when the New Labour Government changed the law to finally recognise our relationship. The next five years were tough as we fought the system through much hardship in order to remain in the country. The damage to both our careers, health and sense of well-being was beyond measure, but in the early 2000s Darrell was finally granted 'Indefinite Leave to Remain,' and we could finally start living, six years after we got together.

The battles I fought then are carried around with me still, a reminder that together we can overcome anything. When both of us became the victims of bullying, we decided, once again to carry on fighting. This was one of the biggest challenges of our life, and we went through the motions, followed the rules and did what we could to hold our heads high. In the end, we won the battle, but decided to leave the UK altogether and start a new life somewhere else, this time in Spain, away from the memories that had haunted us for so long. From then on, the World was our oyster, or, so we thought, until events once again conspired to change the course of our life.

Since 2016 we have lived apart for most of the year, while Darrell helps his Mother deal with the spectre of Cancer. I have returned to the UK and continue to do what I can to survive during difficult times. Both of us are also dealing with our own health issues, built up over many years of stress and anxiety and do what we can to support one another. Even today, as we both contend with a pandemic that is keeping us apart on opposite sides of the World, we both remain committed and focused on our relationship. The battles we fought at the beginning have really taught us much about staying the course and each of us have an undying sense of purpose as we traverse the later stages of our life together.

On Sunday my relatives from Liverpool arrived in Portsmouth, to attend Mum's funeral. Aunty Margaret, 91 year old Aunty Mary and my Cousin Angela. This was the first time I had seen them, since 2012 at my Nan's funeral and it was lovely to see them again, after so long! It does seem, that the only time I really get to see extended family is on such upsetting occasions, but nevertheless it was important they attended, to see Mother on her final passage.

In the evening we chatted and reminisced about the 'old days,' talking about Nan and Grandad, long since gone and happier times, when our scouse relatives came to visit. Of course this may well be the last time I see my Aunts. Like all our family, I lead a busy life and have no idea what the future holds. Making the most of the time I had with my kin folk from the north was amazing and brought back so many memories of my childhood. This was a special Sunday evening, perfect before we said goodbye to Mum!

We got to my Fathers house early Monday morning, where my Brother and his wife had already arrived. The atmosphere was somber as one would expect, but Dad was holding up well, under the most difficult of situations. He seemed pleased to see his Liverpool family, who sat chatting about Mum. Aunty Mary presented Dad with two folders, detailing prayers said in church for her. These two Aunts are deeply spiritual and were both brought up Catholics, so it was comforting to know, that Mother had been in their thoughts and those of the Church.

Other family guests arrived over the next hour. My Cousins Chris and Maria, Mum's sisters and Brother and her two nephews, all mourning her passing and celebrating the life of a Lady, who will always remain in all out hearts.

The funeral cortege left Dads bungalow at 12pm, followed by the family in two limousines and others attending the funeral. As I sat there, looking out at my old stomping ground passing by, many pictures popped into my head - Time spent with Mum, Dad and my Brother, growing up in an idyllic part of the World. Playing in fields, long lazy summers, walking towards the woods at the end of our road and being cradled tightly, securely by Mum, at times of trouble. This was Mum's final journey, taking a route she had travelled many times before, but it was also the last trip I would take, following in her footsteps, in the place I used to call home.

We arrived slightly late for the funeral, after trying to navigate through a rather long traffic jam. The next funeral was already waiting to one side as we pulled up. It was strange that the other funeral was for the Mother of a young lady who I work with. As selfish as it may seem. I did feel comforted by that fact, knowing I wasn't the only one grieving a loved one that day. As I've discovered, it is always best to grieve as a group, comforting each other and helping one another through the difficult concept of death.

There were a lot of people at Mum's funeral, far more than we could have expected and that made the day even more poignant. Although Mum and Dad rarely had visitors in their latter years, due to Mum's ill health, there were still many who took the time to pay tribute to someone they had known. I was amazed to see the hairdresser who did Mum's hair before her Wedding, friends and neighbours from our time living in Thorni Avenue and to finally meet Dad's Best Man at their Wedding. All of these people, made Mum and Dad who they were and all of them cared enough to remember the life of someone who touched their heart.

Along with my Brother, Uncle Paul and John and Mum's nephews Lloyd and Kye, we carried the coffin into Portchester Crematorium, where a priest from Holy Trinity Church, where Mum and Dad got married, conducted a beautiful service of remembrance. My Uncle Paul read a Eulogy I wrote for Mum, unable to speak the words myself and Mothers favourite songs and hymn, Amazing Grace was played. It was a deeply emotional occasion for all of us who attended and and event I shall always remember.

Eulogy - Mary Elizabeth Light 1949-2019

As Mary’s Brother it is my honour to read a tribute to her, on behalf of her husband David and children Luke and Kevin. The following Eulogy include the thoughts and feelings of my sisters grieving family at this difficult time!

Mary was born on the 11th February 1949, to Poppy and John Frampton, in the small market town of Fareham. She was one of five siblings and leaves behind sisters Susan, Diane, Helen and Brother Paul! All of us will miss her deeply, a bond that can never be broken. A local girl at heart, she rarely travelled far; her priority in life very much centred around her family. As a small child she was diagnosed with type 1 Diabetes, an illness that would change her life forever, as she began the process of coming to terms with her condition.

In 1962 Mary met her then future husband David, whilst at school. David ‘thought he would like a date, with this lovely looking girl’ and a year later in 1963, they began a courtship that would see their eventual engagement in 1965. David would bring along his friends and gather in Poppy and John’s breakfast room, playing darts, chatting and getting to know one another. On one memorable occasion, David missed the dart board, piercing a water pipe, leaving damage in its wake, but that didn’t dampen their spirit and they eventually married at Holy Trinity Church in Fareham in 1967.

On the way to their honeymoon in St Ives, Mary and David travelled by coach. David had placed their case in the rack above, as they sat enjoying the journey ahead. When the time came to get off this old ‘bone shaker’ David jumped up and started to pull down the luggage. Losing his grip, he dropped in square on Mary’s head. Just the first of many bumps in the road and a time they still laughed about until recently. The beginning of their journey together and a lifetime of memories that flowed!

Mary worked at Suttons the Bookshop and Keast’s in Fareham, which sold Prams and baby equipment, finally training to become a hairdresser like David in the late 1960s. She followed a full time hairdressing career into the 1970s, when she finally gave up full time work to look after their first child Luke, who was born prematurely in 1971. Still working when she could, she relished her new role as a Mum and housewife. In 1975, David and Mary’s second child Kevin was born and their family was complete. Doting over her children, Mary would never waver in her devotion to her husband and sons, even during testing times; all the while dealing with the spectre of diabetes, that was never too far away.

Sat on a chair in the kitchen as Mum cut his hair, Luke was never one to sit still, fidgeting throughout and objecting to having to suffer the indignity of having his hair cut by Mum, Luke slipped further and further downwards, at which point, his Mother turned round, grabbed the kitchen bowl and placed it firmly on his head, threatening to give him a cut he’d remember if he didn’t sit still. It was the 1970s, a time of weird and wonderful hair, but even Luke sat up straight at the thought of a bowl cut, to go with his flared trousers and wide collared shirt!

Mary became a carer for David in 1998, when her husband suffered a brain hemorrhage. Her priorities as a wife and Mother had changed and turned full circle as David began a process of rehabilitation, aided by Mary and her belief in the man she married and the words ‘in sickness and health,’ ringing in her ears.

As a ‘protector’ Mary championed the needs of others, above her own. In the words of her son Kevin, she would have made a great ‘Health and Safety Officer;’ she always saw danger in everything. Over cautious, thinking of the worst case scenario, the bathroom door would remain unlocked, when anyone was having a bath – Just in case they fell asleep and slipped under the water. This ombudsman and campaigner of safeguarding always set her clocks ten minutes fast ‘just in case,’ a tradition carried on by her youngest son. There was always an emergency toilet roll to hand and she never trusted anyone with a key to the house. In her medical bag, an emergency kit-kat, packet of Mini Cheddars and neatly folded kitchen roll; prepared for every eventuality!

Mary was also a battler and grafter, working two jobs, at the Highlands Co-Op and as a cleaner at the local school for many years and of course caring for her growing family. This was a happy and productive time, until she retired in 2007. In 2008 Mary suffered the loss of her left leg, after years of injecting insulin took its toll. She remained determined to keep walking on her new prosthetic limb, right up until 2013, when she sadly lost her right leg and was confined to a wheel chair.

Despite all the heartache Mary was delighted at the birth of her grandchildren Meghan in 2010 and Hayley in 2013, two beautiful young girls who she adored and always gave her hope for the future. Mary may have been disabled, but she was now a proud Grandmother and always looked forward to seeing them when she could. Family were the linchpin of her life and without the love of her husband, Mum and Dad, brother and sisters, children and grandchildren, the difficulties she faced would have been so much harder to bear. This local lass from Fareham left an indelible footprint in the heart of all those who knew her and will be a great loss for everyone, especially her husband David, who cared for her during her final years of life.

In life we can’t always choose the battles we fight. Mary’s road was a hard one, but it made her stronger and more determined to beat the struggles she endured. With her customary smile and stoical outlook, she fought bravely, everyday and never faltered in her desire to grasp every second of life she had left! She will always remain in the hearts of those who knew her, a hero in every sense of the word!

The wake at Cam's Hall Estate concluded a fantastic send off for Mum. I was delighted that many family members attended, many of whom I haven't seen in years. It was great to listen to their stories about her and recall the more propitious circumstances that defined her life.

2019 has been a terrible year for losing loved ones and it is a time I would rather forget, but on the plus side, I have been able to see many friends and relatives I have missed, reconnecting with a family I was estranged from for over twenty five years. The wake, made me realise the significance of my ancestry and I am finally aware of just how important these people are.

Mum's passing is a milestone that can not be matched. I know we should have been closer, especially during the 'lost' years, but as time moves on and our lives continue on this journey called life, I am happy to have had the best, most loving, dedicated and strong minded Mother in the World - A World, that was all the better for having her in it!

Writing has always been a great healer for me, so today it is more important than ever, to put words on a page and express how I feel. At 12.20 this morning, my precious, precious Mother passed away peacefully at The Queen Alexandra Hospital in Portsmouth. With my Father and Brother, I spent a final forty five minutes talking to Mum, reassuring her and watching as her life slowly slipped away. The great battler in my life, the person who never flinched in pain, always thought of others and cared deeply about her family, was no more. As I sat there remembering my life with Mum, I was struck by the way she conducted herself, even in death. My Mother will forever sit at the end of my bed, wipe my tears away and make everything better. The memories I cherish will live on in the hearts of those who loved her and the dreams of a family who remained the linchpin of her life.

It was 10.45 in the evening when I received a call from Rebecca, a nurse in the Cardio unit of Queen Alexandra Hospital. She had been trying to get hold of family without success, Mum was about to take her final journey. To be honest I had been expecting this for a long time and remained calm and collected as I phoned my Father, telling him of the grave situation Mum was in. My Aunt then phoned my Brother and I was on my way to the hospital in a taxi.

I had no idea what to expect; the last time I saw Mother she was in excruciating pain, crying out for help, distressing for all of us there at the time. Mum's high pain threshold had deserted her, despite everything she had suffered, she was in more pain now than ever and deep down I knew the end was in sight. When I arrived in ward C7, Mum was laying up in bed, breathing very slowly unable to see me. She was unaware I was there holding her hand, but as the nurse said to me, able to hear my every word. I spoke softly to her, gently asking her to close her eyes and fall asleep, one last time. Kissing her on the brow, I stroked her hair, wiping a tear from her eye. My Mum was dying and I wanted to be with her til the end.

A Doctor knocked on the door and asked if I would accompany him to a private room, where he explained the gravity of the situation. Mum's organs had failed and she wouldn't last the night. We discussed whether or not she should be resuscitated and just what the hospital was doing, to make her as comfortable as they could before she slipped away. I said there should be no attempt to bring her back, but let her die with dignity, quietly surrounded by loved ones. My Father would have the final say on this matter of course, but I was sure he would agree.

Shortly afterwards my Father and finally my Brother arrived and we spent the next half an hour talking and expressing our love for Mum. This was an emotionally charged scene and a deeply private time for us, so don't want to go into too much detail. I was reluctant to see Mum in this state, but recalling it now, I wouldn't change me being there for anything. As Mum breathed her last, she looked as beautiful then as she always did.

Gently I removed Mum's glasses from her face and closed her eyes, handing the spectacles to Dad. My Brother was emotional and upset and we both did our best to comfort one another. Neither him or I were used to this kind of situation, so while my Bother and Father, sat with Mum, I went to reception and did the necessary paperwork, phoned members of our family and of course my husband Darrell, who overcome with emotion, cried down the phone. In Darrell's words: 'Lost a Mum today, a beautiful fighter. She took me in  when I was far from my Mum, kind and accepting. Sleep under the Milky Way with us my dear!'

Leaving Mum behind was difficult, but after a 60 years of suffering, she had gone to a much better place and is no longer in pain. Mum was always very stoical in many respects but illness and advancing age is a terrible thing. Mum had type 1 diabetes and had learnt to live with it for over half a century. The complications she had sustained were many and great - from three amputations, sepsis and failing organs, but she always managed to bounce back and live another day. This time however, even a hardened battler like Mum couldn't win through!

My Mother wasn't just a battler, but she was also a hard worker, holding down two jobs when my Brother and I were small and also managing to provide a cooked meal everyday. She was always at home when we got home from school and didn't have a bad bone in her body! Mum was a housewife first and foremost, a grafter in every sense and a lady through and through. I have many fond childhood memories and despite not always showing it, I loved her greatly. This was a woman I respected, never swore at or in front of and always thought of, no matter where I was living in the World.

When a parent dies, there are no written rules about how to deal with it. How should I feel? How should I act? How do I cope?... and most importantly... How do I deal with what comes next? As I sit here writing today, I have so many questions; I keeping thinking, could the hospital have done more? and just how can I help without treading on anyone's toes and upsetting my Brother or Father. My theory is to keep a low profile, do what I can from here and let others take charge, that way nobody will get hurt, after all this is about Mum and Dad, not me or anyone else.

Today I have been thinking about Mum, quietly at home, with no one about, just me and my memories. I have cried and laughed, planned for the future and conversed with numerous family members who want to be there. The death of a loved one can cause rifts in families where there were none and I am aware of my place within this process now. I need to spend however long it takes, reflecting on the passing of a beautiful lady, who I was proud to call Mum, she was a massive part of my life and will continue to be. As my focus changes to saying goodbye, I look forward once again to retreating to the fringes of family life, which tends to suit me best. Being there for Dad now and in the future, quietly in the background when I am needed is my choice and as Dad recovers from the trauma of loss, all of us can learn the lessons of life, and live it to the full!

Yesterday was a day of mixed feelings; in the morning I attended the Christening of my Cousin Thomas, at St Patrick's Roman Catholic Church on Hayling Island. It was wonderful being a part of such a special occasion, attended by family and friends. In the past I have avoided such events, preferring to mark such milestones privately, keeping myself, very much to myself. In 2019 my life has changed much and I am now a part of our large, growing family, in a way I wasn't before.

I would like to take this opportunity to wish my Cousin Emmy, Partner Ben and their son Thomas, lots of love for the future. Thomas is a lovely young boy, who is always a joy to be around. With Ben's daughter Helena, their family is now complete!

Whilst driving to the church, I received a phone call from my Father; Mum had been rushed to Queen Alexandra Hospital in Portsmouth, after suffering from a massive heart attack, on top of everything else she has suffered in  life. I was left shattered and in a quandary about what I should do - go to the church or straight to the hospital. I chose to continue to the church and celebrate one of our families newest members before leaving for the hospital.

The service lasted two hours, after which we headed back to a local hotel. I spent fifteen minutes saying my goodbyes and left for QA Hospital. I was greeted by my Father and Brother, who I rarely see these days. As siblings my Brother and I never really got on and mine and his life went in very different directions. Neither of us are about to bite the bullet and forget the past, so we tend to just tolerate one another on such days. We were polite enough and along with my Father discussed Mum's failing health, as we have done many times before.

The Doctors kept us informed of Mum's situation from the moment I arrived. After the first chat with the consultant, we were under no illusion, that Mum's chances of survival were slim. She had suffered a big heart attack and they were fighting against the clock, doing everything they could to get her well. On arrival the A&E team tried to insert a stent into Mum's artery, without success. The vein was too furred up and as the Doctor said, it was like trying to drill through rock - impossible! We were assured they were doing as much as possible, to stabalise Mum and bring her blood pressure up to normal levels.

Mum was lucid and able to talk, although the strong painkillers kept kicking in intermittently and Mum would drift in and out of consciousness. We were all aware of the amount of pain Mum was in, although unsure why. I have never seen Mum suffer so much. Normally she has a very high pain threshold. After years of injecting insulin and three limb amputations, there isn't a lot Mum hasn't experienced, but somehow this discomfort was worse than any of the above. It was upsetting for all of us, seeing Mother in this state, but we know just what a fighter and battler she is and if anyone can overcome adversity, she can.

After spending four hours with Mum, I left for home, phoning my Aunt and Uncle to let them know of the situation and explained that the Doctor in charge had expressed his concern at the gravity of the situation she was facing. All of us were unsure why Mum was in so much agony, but it certainly didn't sound good and we were all expecting the worse.

Today I have been in constant contact with my Father and the hospital. Mum's health continues to suffer and the prognosis has changed from positive, to grave and as I write a little more positive again. It seems the heart attack has caused a lot of damage internally  that the Doctors are trying to reverse, but the heart itself seems to be recovering well and working as it should. The messages and health updates have been rather confused at times, but we know Mum is in safe hands and the wonderful Cardiac team at Queen Alexandra Hospital are working hard to save Mum's life!