I have suffered with anxiety and depression for many years, which I cope with remarkably well these days. When people look at you, they don't really see the full story. On the surface I am a happy, cheerful and accommodating person, deep down, I am nothing but. Those who are closest to me, understand the difficulties I go through, but unless you live in my body, you will never fully appreciate the depression that makes me who I am.

There are many reasons why I have depression, many of which have been discussed in this and other blogs I have written, but the biggest factor in why I am the individual I am, is really my sexuality. I never used to like who I was; as a child growing up gay, I was always aware of my differences and realised I was different from most of my peers, consequently, I have always found friendships difficult, afraid that being gay would influence others views of me. For most of my childhood, I kept myself, very much to myself and led a very insular life as a result. When you are hiding a secret, the last thing you want is people knowing who you really are.

Depression brought about from bullying, loneliness and an inability to be myself dominated my life for years and the truth is I have never really recovered from it, still experiencing depressive episodes today. I have however learnt to cope with dark moods and outwardly you would never see the cloud that hovers above me.

For the first time in my life, I am actually doing what I want to do and not what others expect of me. Importantly, I don't have just one job, I actually have three, this way I find each day is different and I don't ever feel unfulfilled. Working in a supermarket, behind a bar and volunteering, together give me a sense of satisfaction, that I have never felt before. These positions bring out contrasting sides of my personality and I am able to enjoy each day, knowing that tomorrow will be different. If I am not working, I am blogging and writing, which also allows me to concentrate on myself, my lonely side, the selfish, self indulgent part of my personality, that details my inner thoughts and feelings, the side of me that people read about each day in this blog. Blogging is the most positive aspect of my life, but it isn't something I could do everyday. Being wrapped up in ones own sense of self importance is a sure way to detach oneself from the reality of life. I have been there before and suffered as a result.

Of course the happiest places are those spent with other people. At Cancer Research I am surrounded by friends. Everyone I work with in Commercial Road are now close and I hold them in the highest regard. These benevolent people have given me a sense of purpose in my endeavours, witnessing the best side of human nature. Their advice and conversation has got me through some very testing times over the last year and a half and without them I could well have sunk to new lows.

Equally colleagues and customers at The Newcome have also become close comrades and people I enjoy spending time with. The evening I work behind the bar in this backstreet pub, are always enjoyable and something I look forward to. People often turn round to me and ask 'why do you work so damn hard, why don't you just take a step back and relax a bit more?' The only answer I can give, is because I am genuinely happy with my lot in life and that is all that matters. I spent far too long in the past dealing with episodes of depression; now I have learnt to deal with it, I am going to make the most of however long I have left!

My life really hasn't been easy or conventional. I have had to deal with a lot of emotional stress which has taken a massive toll on my physical well-being. Many of the ailments I have today are  a direct result of the disadvantages I endured in the past. I was part of the last generation of homosexuals to be discriminated against for being who they were and this was a major stumbling block in coping with life. Happiness and contentment, not money and prestige are the most important factors when determining my direction now. Doing things that allow me to finally be the person I want to be is worth all the tea in China. Growing up feeling abandoned by society is hard, but I am pleased I have finally found a way to deal with the demons of the past and am at last enjoying the life I should have had!

Anyone who knows me well enough, understands the amount of stress I have been under lately. I work up to sixty hours a week, no longer smoke, hardly ever drink and have very little time to myself. Don't get me wrong, I am loving my life, but sometimes I just need to relax.

Cue friends and colleagues Jules and Angela...

Last week I was able to take a brief respite from the pressures around me and have a drink or two in the company of Jules and Angela. A few hours of chatting, a gorgeous meal and a moderate amount of alcohol, enough to make me feel a bit merry at least!

I haven't had such a chilled time in ages and it really brought home to me how lucky I am, to be surrounded by so many good people, with no agenda or ulterior motives. Those closest in the past were not always the best lets just say, so it is refreshing to meet genuine, demonstrative and positive people. I have had many ups and downs in Portsmouth and it hasn't always been an easy ride, but my life could have been a whole lot worse....Here's to friendship!

Friday was a sad day for me, my family and all those who knew Ray Atrill. At 3.30pm, on a rainy afternoon, Uncle Ray was laid to rest at Portchester Crematorium. I arrived with my Aunt and Cousins at 3pm and already people were gathering to say their goodbyes. Nothing however could prepare me for the number of people who arrived to bid farewell to Ray on his final journey.

Ray was a well known luminary in Fratton, having lived there for most of his life, consequently his network of friends was vast. Sat in the pews of the crematorium, I was struck by the number of people entering the hall; it seemed never ending, as the seats were quickly filled. Guests, stood wherever they could, at the sides and back of the building, quietly showing respect for a man, who touched the lives of many. It was a heartwarming display of admiration and approval for a character who will remain in the hearts and minds of all those who knew him.

Ray was given a send off like no other, surrounded by family and friends. The service was typically humanist in tone and reflected a life lived in the company of others, who shared similar interests. Everyone there on Friday sat attentively listening to the stories of a man who had lived the life he wanted and not what others would have expected. Without malice, hate or bitterness, Ray welcomed everyone into his life and all of us who celebrated his legacy on Friday, were lucky to have known him.

The memories of Ray will resonate around the pub where he and I worked for many years to come and will continue to echo around the streets of Fratton, where he walked on a daily basis. Community was important, pivotal and determining in the life Ray led. He did much for good causes and others who needed a helping hand. He was there when you needed a word of encouragement, advice or just a friendly afternoon chat. Ray was a linchpin for many, an Uncle to innumerable personalities who crossed his path and a Dad to a select lucky few, who warranted the love he shared. Ray was Ray, he wasn't perfect, but he was the backbone of a neighbourhood who looked after its own; Fratton wont be the same without him!

Goodnight sweet man!

When I was a boy, I used to carry a handbag or paper bag around with me, with all my 'bits and pieces' in. I remember my Nanny Poppy telling me that she knew I was gay, because I always had a bag in my hand. Of course, that was just my Nan being old fashioned and stereotypical. There was also an element of Nan, trying to accept my homosexuality, by making light of a particular aspect of my personality.

I am not trying to say my baby Cousin is gay, far from it, I am trying to show that this activity is a perfectly normal aspect of growing up. Babies like to explore, in all respects - cupboards, draws and handbags. My little Cousin took me back to my childhood today and it put a smile on my face. It wasn't that long ago, I was playing with Mum or Nanny's handbag, but sadly back then there were no camera phones to take a photo, like there are today.

There are many aspects of my childhood I miss and wish I had more pictures from that time in my life. I did however find this one picture of me, as a child in the 1970s, carrying my trade mark bag. I know what you are thinking? How gay I look, especially the way I am standing......Well maybe! I am sure I was well aware of my sexuality back then, I just didn't really understand what it meant.

It is great watching the younger members of our family grow up. I am particularly fond of Cain who is everything a young toddler should be. When he is my age, I am glad he can also look back at the photographs that document his life. He will have many more pictures to look through, but the sentiment is the same - Remembering those early innocent years, before life takes over and we become the adults we were always destined to be!

I haven't done any blogging for a while, which is unusual for me. In the past I was very regimented about writing everyday, but as my life has become busier, I haven't had the time to do as much as I would like. On top of time constraints, I have also been unwell, still suffering from a chest infection from when I returned home from Asia, nearly six weeks ago.

I have had several infections since returning to the UK and I believe they have now gone. I was given several courses of antibiotics and have had plenty of rest, so I was hoping to be feeling much better by now, but things haven't quite turned out that way and I am still feeling pretty low, mainly because of a persistent cough that I seemed to have acquired. The coughing was so bad recently, that I started to hack up blood, just a small amount, but enough to get me worried. The reality is, that since I moved back to Portsmouth, I have had a lot of health anxiety, probably built up around my rather dysfunctional life.

Last week I went to see my Doctor, who knows me well enough now and explained my situation to her. As soon as I mentioned the blood, she told me to go to St Mary's Hospital and have a chest X-Ray straight away, which I duly did. The whole process was very quick and the radiographer told me if anything urgent was found, they would contact me within 48 hours. It has been over three days and I haven't heard anything, so am hoping nothing too serious is going on. Like most things in life though, I am feeling very negative and run down right now, so am expecting the worst.

I wasn't always a negative person, far from it. In the past I was always positive and ready for new challenges, but something changed along the way. My life never seemed to turn out the way I wanted it to and Darrell and I always had to pick up the pieces from another failed venture or traumatic experience that we hadn't seen coming. In reality, life has been hard, very hard and no one really understands just what we have had to go through, just to remain together, let alone succeed in life.

My health issues always took a back seat, as we dealt with the carnage that always seemed to follow our tail and it wasn't until I moved in with my Aunt, that I began to try and sort out some underlying problems, that I had left for just too long. I suppose many people would call me a hypochondriac, but actually I am just taking an interest in my own well-being, something I should have done many years ago.

Today I take vitamin pills, blood pressure tablets, statins and walk every single day. I no longer smoke and drink very little, so I have made some big changes, from the life I once led. This ongoing infection is the only thorn in my side at the moment and I am just hoping nothing more consequential is going on; I really just want to start feeling well again and living my life. I should get my results this week and will of course let my readers know what is going on. Feeling positive about ones health is the key to getting back to that happy place, I'm hoping it wont take too much longer!

On Saturday I went with two friends, Debbie and Hayley to the 'Let's Rock Southampton' festival, a train ride away, in the City where I lived for over twenty years. It was a blisteringly hot day, perfect for enjoying the now familiar music festival organised annually on the south coast. This isn't a festival for teenagers and young adults, this is a retro 1980s homage, where most of the party goers are in their late 40s early 50s. Despite being busy, with thousands of people in attendance, there was no trouble or antisocial behaviour found at similar events!

As a rule you will never see me at a concert or festival, it really isn't my thing. I can't think of anything worse being surrounded by crowds of people, paying for overpriced substandard food in searing heat or even worse, pouring rain. However this was an event I was looking forward to. I am a fan of all things 80s and of course enjoy the music from the era. This was a day I was determined to enjoy, spending time with Debbie and Hayley, which is always a pleasure.

As we approached the park, I was contacted by Dom an old friend, who used to live with me back in the year 2004. Dom was with his friend Lizi, who I also knew and they wanted to meet in the park. I haven't seen Dom since I returned to the UK last year and was excited he was coming. He was in fine fettle and I was absolutely overjoyed to be spending the day with him and Lizi as well. It really did bring back so many memories of our time together, clubbing in Bournemouth and London. Happy memories on  a perfect day!

The queues getting into the park were long and I was expecting a two hour wait, but the lines of party goers soon disappeared and we were through the gates within twenty minutes. The acts had just started on stage and we quickly made our way to the Pimms tent and bought a jug for twenty eight pounds, hugely expensive and with a low level of alcohol, that never really hit the spot. A small bottle of beer wasn't much cheaper, at five pounds a pop, but was far more enjoyable and I was more than happy to pay the price.  With burgers costing on average eight pounds and a small tub of chinese food over a tenner, this really wasn't going to be a cheap day.

The reason we were all there was the music and for the most part I wasn't disappointed. Westworld and Toyah were amazing and really put me in a good mood for the rest of the day. I used to be a big fan of Toyah's, so it was fantastic to finally see her live. I have no idea how old she is now, but her voice was just as good as I remember. Listening to these two acts really felt like stepping back in time, in a good way...I haven't been to a festival before but suddenly felt a conversion coming on, maybe this would be the beginning of a new chapter in my life.

Whilst enjoying a quick pit stop - Chinese Chicken and rice and a pint of Fosters, Belinda Carlisle came on stage. Now she was the act I most wanted to see, one of my all time favourite artists. Quickly I ran through the thronging crowd to get a good view; she was amazing, looking fantastic for her age and her voice was just as I remember. The music was flawless and her performance was the best experience of the whole day.

The eighties were indeed a special time for me. I was born in 1971 and grew up through what I consider to be the best decade, at least of my lifetime. The music, television, films and emerging technological revolution were a catalyst for my memories today. Standing in a field with thousands of others, on a hot summers day in 2019, I was transported back 35 years, reliving a youth that seemed like only yesterday. Someone once said to me, 'if you could go back and live your life again, would you?' There was only one answer I could give to that....A firm unequivocal YES; I would go back tomorrow and relive those years and all the others I survived, again and again and again.

Life teaches us many lessons and I have much to learn from the last four decades. So much has happened and even more has gone wrong, but it is true to say, the eighties were the first and last best years of my life; thereafter my life took many wrong paths. The 1980s were a time of great change, not only for me, but also the World. The messages in the music of the time spoke of a better future for all and although these years were not the best for everyone, they were for me. My life as an impressionable teenager began in 1982 and as I adapted to adulthood, the eighties took a final bow. Ten years of adventure, self determination and expression soon became a distant memory and I became the person I am today, a product of a time that I wont easily forget! Long live the 80s!

Today I was due to fly with my Cousins to Jersey, to spend some time with my Aunt Helen and her family; something we had planned for many months! Like most things in my life, things didn't go to plan, and I am laid up in bed at home. Not only would it have been wonderful to see all of my family, but three relaxing days on the Channel Islands was also something I was looking forward to. I have never travelled there before and had long booked and paid for this short break, including a trip to Sark; yet another disappointment, in a life full of disappointments. That sounds bitter doesn't it? It is however how I feel, especially today!

A few weeks ago I went to the Doctors for a check up after my trip to ASIA, when I happened to mention I had a bit of a chest infection. The Doctor did all the usual diagnostics including listening to my chest and I was issued with a course of standard Amoxicillan, that would last five days. As chest infections go, it was stubborn and the constant coughing was getting me down, but over the next few days I did begin to finally feel better and was looking forward to getting back to normal.

On Sunday, two days after my course of antibiotics had finished, I suddenly went down with what I thought was flu and literally couldn't get out of bed and my cough was back. After two days incapacitated I phoned 111 on Tuesday morning who suggested I contact the GP surgery and request more antibiotics to help shift the cough. Instead they told me to come in for an assessment, just before I started work!

The Doctor was concerned about my holiday to ASIA and suspected I may have acquired an infection while travelling through the region. I filled a specimen tube with sputum and hoped to get some answers in a few days. Meanwhile at work I spent a difficult few hours working. My body wasn't coping well; I had been run down for days and was feeling worse and worse!

On Wednesday I was due to start work at the pub and despite feeling terrible made a decision to go in as I didn't want to let the boss down. Whilst getting ready in the bathroom, I took a pee, when I felt an almighty pain in my abdomen, after passing what looked like large clots of blood. I literally collapsed with the pain and passed out for a short period of time. I managed to make a call and was given immediate help. Once again more antibiotics, some of the strongest medicine I have ever had, which seems to at least be clearing up the diagnosed UTI. The flu symptoms I had experienced were actually linked to this infectionI; the two are very similar and I wouldn't have known any different until I collapsed with severe pain at home. Each day was just going from bad to worse.

Today I am still suffering, although did manage to go out briefly to get supplies. The UTI is much better, the cough that I still have no answer for, is still there and I am just waiting for a call from the surgery with the results from the sputum test. The medication however has knocked me for six, prompting me to cancel my holiday to Jersey.

I have been prescribed Nitrofurantoin, which is as strong as antibiotics get. My head is elsewhere and I generally feel unwell. The medication doesn't allow me to sleep at night. I am restless, suffer with extreme night sweats and have been left in a state of confusion. I would never want to take these pills again, in fact I would decline them if they were offered, they are horrendous. I looked them up online, in forums and searches and the difficulties I am experiencing appear to correspond with everyone else's story. Try to avoid this antibiotic if you can, always ask for something else. I have had to change my plans and miss out on a family holiday, not specifically because of the UTI I have, but because the medication is just too much to cope with at the moment. Even after I finish the course I can't drink alcohol for two or three days, because I will likely end up in hospital, these little pills quite simply make you feel like you are dying!

I would like to wish my family well and hope they all enjoy their time in Jersey and Sark and once again appologise I can't be there; I will be following your adventure online!

This is the first bank holiday weekend I have had off in a long time and today I am nursing a rather niggly hangover. I say niggly, because it isn't bad, just rather annoying. All I want to do is sleep, but I have too much to do and it is getting in the way of what was going to be a productive day.  The weather isn't too bad today, so I've managed to get some washing done, pop into town and am cooking a lasagne for dinner this evening; I am doing my best to be positive today...I could make the same old statement - 'I'm never drinking again,' but that wouldn't be true, so I wont!

Yesterday I met a mate, Deb's from work, she was going to take me on a tour of her local haunts, the places she likes to go to - pubs, clubs and a restaurant on the coast . The weather was pretty much spot on for a day out, despite the odd few drops of rain and we enjoyed an afternoon drink followed by a good old traditional roast in the Thatched House pub, at Milton Locks, Southsea. I have been here once before, when I returned to the UK about a year ago, but not since.

The Thatched House, is a traditional public house serving British food at fantastic prices. I chose to have a carvery at a cost of 7.99 and it was huge. Three meats, roast potatoes and all the trimmings, I couldn't fault it and had absolutely no complaints, which is unusual for me. Suitably full, we went outside for a chat and beer, two things I love more than anything!

After the Thatched House, Deb's took me to The Duke of Devonshire in Albert Road. This traditional back street bar, is similar to the Newcome, where I work and was welcoming and friendly. We continued talking about life, the universe and everything, rather like being on a first date, but we weren't if you understand what I mean. Debbie and I were born a few hours a part at the same hospital in Portsmouth in 1971, so we kind of have a connection and we get on well, having a very similar sense of humour. Friendship is an important part of all our lives, but for me it is even more crucial in order for me to cope with living away from my husband. I have a lot of family and acquaintances around me on a daily basis and Debbie is another welcome addition to my close circle of friends.

After picking up two of Debbie's mates, we headed to Palmerston Road for more beers and a trip to the infamous Kingsley's, a nightclub that I can only describe as enlightening. To be honest I haven't been to a club in years, not since I lived in Spain and I rarely set foot in a straight venue, but the music was great, for an oldie like me and I enjoyed it for what it was. The average age must have been 60 years old and I did feel like the youngest one there...Another first for me. After getting propositioned by a lady old enough to be my Grandmother, I realised all the rumours about this place were true. It was like a cattle market for pensioners; I kid you not. Despite the obvious downsides I had a great day with Debs and felt more relaxed than I have done in a while; I look forward to our next 'Debbie Brown Tour,' there's nothing like letting your hair down to relieve stress, kick back and have a little bit of me time!