As Mum slowly slipped away, I looked around the room. It was stark in comparison to her other visits. There was a bag of medication on the floor and a hairbrush on her table and that was it. The minutes after Mum's death were deeply moving for all of us there, but Mother had gone, her spirit had left the room when she breathed her last. Talking had turned to crying, as it was time to say that final goodbye.

Rebecca, the nurse in charge had asked that we remove all Mum's personal effects when we are ready to leave. Dad said he wanted to stay until the sun came up, not wanting to leave Mum alone in the dark. It's not easy leaving the lady you were married to behind, after spending fifty two years together, every day of your life. Mum and Dad were inseparable, loving each other deeply, since they met at school in the 1960s. They were childhood sweethearts then, as they were when Mother finally passed away. The love and affection on my Father's face was as clear as day; he didn't want to let go, he didn't want to say goodbye.

I walked over to the bedside table and picked up Mum's hairbrush and said I would take it home with me, as a small reminder. After I removed her glasses and closed her eyes, I finally brushed her hair, as my Father had done many times before. Mum always had perfect hair. No matter how ill she was, there was always a hairbrush not too far away. Ever inch a lady she looked immaculately turned out without exception, wanting to look perfect, even in hospital. As I gently brushed her hair, I thought about all the times, she had done the same for me and I was happy to do it for her one last time. Mum was lying there fast asleep and I wanted to make sure she looked perfect before we left.

Both my parents were hairdressers, which explains why they always wanted to look their best.   As a child I was used to seeing friends and family coming round our house, coiffured, pampered and permed, made to look a million dollars. Old ladies, scary, without makeup, hair backcombed high, a purple scarf to protect them from the elements, a bit of lippy  before they went outside. I would find hair clips that had gone astray lying in the carpet, walked around pretending to be a monster, claw like hands, with hair rollers on each finger and inhaling the setting lotion and peroxide bleach, holding my nose for dear life.

Growing up as a hairdressers son was never dull, I had more Uncles and Aunts than I can remember. Fawned over by ladies, ruffing my hair and feeding me sweets, I enjoyed being sat in a chair listening to those stories hairdressers and clients talk about. Cups of tea, digestive biscuits and magazines, all part of the course when you are a hairdresser son!

Mum's hairbrush is the most precious thing in the World to me, a reminder of someone who brought me into this World, loved me unconditionally and was proud to call me her son, no matter how bad I may have been at times. Loosing someone close is hard,  the hardest thing I have ever experienced. Writing, remembering and reminiscing allows me to come to terms with loss, but tangible memories are a link to Mum, who is no longer with us. Whether a piece of jewellery, photograph or hairbrush, the meaning is the same - The love a Mother has for her sons and a bond that will always be there!

I have suffered with anxiety and depression for many years, which I cope with remarkably well these days. When people look at you, they don't really see the full story. On the surface I am a happy, cheerful and accommodating person, deep down, I am nothing but. Those who are closest to me, understand the difficulties I go through, but unless you live in my body, you will never fully appreciate the depression that makes me who I am.

There are many reasons why I have depression, many of which have been discussed in this and other blogs I have written, but the biggest factor in why I am the individual I am, is really my sexuality. I never used to like who I was; as a child growing up gay, I was always aware of my differences and realised I was different from most of my peers, consequently, I have always found friendships difficult, afraid that being gay would influence others views of me. For most of my childhood, I kept myself, very much to myself and led a very insular life as a result. When you are hiding a secret, the last thing you want is people knowing who you really are.

Depression brought about from bullying, loneliness and an inability to be myself dominated my life for years and the truth is I have never really recovered from it, still experiencing depressive episodes today. I have however learnt to cope with dark moods and outwardly you would never see the cloud that hovers above me.

For the first time in my life, I am actually doing what I want to do and not what others expect of me. Importantly, I don't have just one job, I actually have three, this way I find each day is different and I don't ever feel unfulfilled. Working in a supermarket, behind a bar and volunteering, together give me a sense of satisfaction, that I have never felt before. These positions bring out contrasting sides of my personality and I am able to enjoy each day, knowing that tomorrow will be different. If I am not working, I am blogging and writing, which also allows me to concentrate on myself, my lonely side, the selfish, self indulgent part of my personality, that details my inner thoughts and feelings, the side of me that people read about each day in this blog. Blogging is the most positive aspect of my life, but it isn't something I could do everyday. Being wrapped up in ones own sense of self importance is a sure way to detach oneself from the reality of life. I have been there before and suffered as a result.

Of course the happiest places are those spent with other people. At Cancer Research I am surrounded by friends. Everyone I work with in Commercial Road are now close and I hold them in the highest regard. These benevolent people have given me a sense of purpose in my endeavours, witnessing the best side of human nature. Their advice and conversation has got me through some very testing times over the last year and a half and without them I could well have sunk to new lows.

Equally colleagues and customers at The Newcome have also become close comrades and people I enjoy spending time with. The evening I work behind the bar in this backstreet pub, are always enjoyable and something I look forward to. People often turn round to me and ask 'why do you work so damn hard, why don't you just take a step back and relax a bit more?' The only answer I can give, is because I am genuinely happy with my lot in life and that is all that matters. I spent far too long in the past dealing with episodes of depression; now I have learnt to deal with it, I am going to make the most of however long I have left!

My life really hasn't been easy or conventional. I have had to deal with a lot of emotional stress which has taken a massive toll on my physical well-being. Many of the ailments I have today are  a direct result of the disadvantages I endured in the past. I was part of the last generation of homosexuals to be discriminated against for being who they were and this was a major stumbling block in coping with life. Happiness and contentment, not money and prestige are the most important factors when determining my direction now. Doing things that allow me to finally be the person I want to be is worth all the tea in China. Growing up feeling abandoned by society is hard, but I am pleased I have finally found a way to deal with the demons of the past and am at last enjoying the life I should have had!

Anyone who knows me well enough, understands the amount of stress I have been under lately. I work up to sixty hours a week, no longer smoke, hardly ever drink and have very little time to myself. Don't get me wrong, I am loving my life, but sometimes I just need to relax.

Cue friends and colleagues Jules and Angela...

Last week I was able to take a brief respite from the pressures around me and have a drink or two in the company of Jules and Angela. A few hours of chatting, a gorgeous meal and a moderate amount of alcohol, enough to make me feel a bit merry at least!

I haven't had such a chilled time in ages and it really brought home to me how lucky I am, to be surrounded by so many good people, with no agenda or ulterior motives. Those closest in the past were not always the best lets just say, so it is refreshing to meet genuine, demonstrative and positive people. I have had many ups and downs in Portsmouth and it hasn't always been an easy ride, but my life could have been a whole lot worse....Here's to friendship!

Friday was a sad day for me, my family and all those who knew Ray Atrill. At 3.30pm, on a rainy afternoon, Uncle Ray was laid to rest at Portchester Crematorium. I arrived with my Aunt and Cousins at 3pm and already people were gathering to say their goodbyes. Nothing however could prepare me for the number of people who arrived to bid farewell to Ray on his final journey.

Ray was a well known luminary in Fratton, having lived there for most of his life, consequently his network of friends was vast. Sat in the pews of the crematorium, I was struck by the number of people entering the hall; it seemed never ending, as the seats were quickly filled. Guests, stood wherever they could, at the sides and back of the building, quietly showing respect for a man, who touched the lives of many. It was a heartwarming display of admiration and approval for a character who will remain in the hearts and minds of all those who knew him.

Ray was given a send off like no other, surrounded by family and friends. The service was typically humanist in tone and reflected a life lived in the company of others, who shared similar interests. Everyone there on Friday sat attentively listening to the stories of a man who had lived the life he wanted and not what others would have expected. Without malice, hate or bitterness, Ray welcomed everyone into his life and all of us who celebrated his legacy on Friday, were lucky to have known him.

The memories of Ray will resonate around the pub where he and I worked for many years to come and will continue to echo around the streets of Fratton, where he walked on a daily basis. Community was important, pivotal and determining in the life Ray led. He did much for good causes and others who needed a helping hand. He was there when you needed a word of encouragement, advice or just a friendly afternoon chat. Ray was a linchpin for many, an Uncle to innumerable personalities who crossed his path and a Dad to a select lucky few, who warranted the love he shared. Ray was Ray, he wasn't perfect, but he was the backbone of a neighbourhood who looked after its own; Fratton wont be the same without him!

Goodnight sweet man!

When I was a boy, I used to carry a handbag or paper bag around with me, with all my 'bits and pieces' in. I remember my Nanny Poppy telling me that she knew I was gay, because I always had a bag in my hand. Of course, that was just my Nan being old fashioned and stereotypical. There was also an element of Nan, trying to accept my homosexuality, by making light of a particular aspect of my personality.

I am not trying to say my baby Cousin is gay, far from it, I am trying to show that this activity is a perfectly normal aspect of growing up. Babies like to explore, in all respects - cupboards, draws and handbags. My little Cousin took me back to my childhood today and it put a smile on my face. It wasn't that long ago, I was playing with Mum or Nanny's handbag, but sadly back then there were no camera phones to take a photo, like there are today.

There are many aspects of my childhood I miss and wish I had more pictures from that time in my life. I did however find this one picture of me, as a child in the 1970s, carrying my trade mark bag. I know what you are thinking? How gay I look, especially the way I am standing......Well maybe! I am sure I was well aware of my sexuality back then, I just didn't really understand what it meant.

It is great watching the younger members of our family grow up. I am particularly fond of Cain who is everything a young toddler should be. When he is my age, I am glad he can also look back at the photographs that document his life. He will have many more pictures to look through, but the sentiment is the same - Remembering those early innocent years, before life takes over and we become the adults we were always destined to be!

I haven't done any blogging for a while, which is unusual for me. In the past I was very regimented about writing everyday, but as my life has become busier, I haven't had the time to do as much as I would like. On top of time constraints, I have also been unwell, still suffering from a chest infection from when I returned home from Asia, nearly six weeks ago.

I have had several infections since returning to the UK and I believe they have now gone. I was given several courses of antibiotics and have had plenty of rest, so I was hoping to be feeling much better by now, but things haven't quite turned out that way and I am still feeling pretty low, mainly because of a persistent cough that I seemed to have acquired. The coughing was so bad recently, that I started to hack up blood, just a small amount, but enough to get me worried. The reality is, that since I moved back to Portsmouth, I have had a lot of health anxiety, probably built up around my rather dysfunctional life.

Last week I went to see my Doctor, who knows me well enough now and explained my situation to her. As soon as I mentioned the blood, she told me to go to St Mary's Hospital and have a chest X-Ray straight away, which I duly did. The whole process was very quick and the radiographer told me if anything urgent was found, they would contact me within 48 hours. It has been over three days and I haven't heard anything, so am hoping nothing too serious is going on. Like most things in life though, I am feeling very negative and run down right now, so am expecting the worst.

I wasn't always a negative person, far from it. In the past I was always positive and ready for new challenges, but something changed along the way. My life never seemed to turn out the way I wanted it to and Darrell and I always had to pick up the pieces from another failed venture or traumatic experience that we hadn't seen coming. In reality, life has been hard, very hard and no one really understands just what we have had to go through, just to remain together, let alone succeed in life.

My health issues always took a back seat, as we dealt with the carnage that always seemed to follow our tail and it wasn't until I moved in with my Aunt, that I began to try and sort out some underlying problems, that I had left for just too long. I suppose many people would call me a hypochondriac, but actually I am just taking an interest in my own well-being, something I should have done many years ago.

Today I take vitamin pills, blood pressure tablets, statins and walk every single day. I no longer smoke and drink very little, so I have made some big changes, from the life I once led. This ongoing infection is the only thorn in my side at the moment and I am just hoping nothing more consequential is going on; I really just want to start feeling well again and living my life. I should get my results this week and will of course let my readers know what is going on. Feeling positive about ones health is the key to getting back to that happy place, I'm hoping it wont take too much longer!

On Saturday I went with two friends, Debbie and Hayley to the 'Let's Rock Southampton' festival, a train ride away, in the City where I lived for over twenty years. It was a blisteringly hot day, perfect for enjoying the now familiar music festival organised annually on the south coast. This isn't a festival for teenagers and young adults, this is a retro 1980s homage, where most of the party goers are in their late 40s early 50s. Despite being busy, with thousands of people in attendance, there was no trouble or antisocial behaviour found at similar events!

As a rule you will never see me at a concert or festival, it really isn't my thing. I can't think of anything worse being surrounded by crowds of people, paying for overpriced substandard food in searing heat or even worse, pouring rain. However this was an event I was looking forward to. I am a fan of all things 80s and of course enjoy the music from the era. This was a day I was determined to enjoy, spending time with Debbie and Hayley, which is always a pleasure.

As we approached the park, I was contacted by Dom an old friend, who used to live with me back in the year 2004. Dom was with his friend Lizi, who I also knew and they wanted to meet in the park. I haven't seen Dom since I returned to the UK last year and was excited he was coming. He was in fine fettle and I was absolutely overjoyed to be spending the day with him and Lizi as well. It really did bring back so many memories of our time together, clubbing in Bournemouth and London. Happy memories on  a perfect day!

The queues getting into the park were long and I was expecting a two hour wait, but the lines of party goers soon disappeared and we were through the gates within twenty minutes. The acts had just started on stage and we quickly made our way to the Pimms tent and bought a jug for twenty eight pounds, hugely expensive and with a low level of alcohol, that never really hit the spot. A small bottle of beer wasn't much cheaper, at five pounds a pop, but was far more enjoyable and I was more than happy to pay the price.  With burgers costing on average eight pounds and a small tub of chinese food over a tenner, this really wasn't going to be a cheap day.

The reason we were all there was the music and for the most part I wasn't disappointed. Westworld and Toyah were amazing and really put me in a good mood for the rest of the day. I used to be a big fan of Toyah's, so it was fantastic to finally see her live. I have no idea how old she is now, but her voice was just as good as I remember. Listening to these two acts really felt like stepping back in time, in a good way...I haven't been to a festival before but suddenly felt a conversion coming on, maybe this would be the beginning of a new chapter in my life.

Whilst enjoying a quick pit stop - Chinese Chicken and rice and a pint of Fosters, Belinda Carlisle came on stage. Now she was the act I most wanted to see, one of my all time favourite artists. Quickly I ran through the thronging crowd to get a good view; she was amazing, looking fantastic for her age and her voice was just as I remember. The music was flawless and her performance was the best experience of the whole day.

The eighties were indeed a special time for me. I was born in 1971 and grew up through what I consider to be the best decade, at least of my lifetime. The music, television, films and emerging technological revolution were a catalyst for my memories today. Standing in a field with thousands of others, on a hot summers day in 2019, I was transported back 35 years, reliving a youth that seemed like only yesterday. Someone once said to me, 'if you could go back and live your life again, would you?' There was only one answer I could give to that....A firm unequivocal YES; I would go back tomorrow and relive those years and all the others I survived, again and again and again.

Life teaches us many lessons and I have much to learn from the last four decades. So much has happened and even more has gone wrong, but it is true to say, the eighties were the first and last best years of my life; thereafter my life took many wrong paths. The 1980s were a time of great change, not only for me, but also the World. The messages in the music of the time spoke of a better future for all and although these years were not the best for everyone, they were for me. My life as an impressionable teenager began in 1982 and as I adapted to adulthood, the eighties took a final bow. Ten years of adventure, self determination and expression soon became a distant memory and I became the person I am today, a product of a time that I wont easily forget! Long live the 80s!