Readers to Roaming Brit will be aware of my gay daughter Jamie, who lived with Darrell and I in Spain four years ago. On Saturday he travelled to Portsmouth with his partner, also called Jamie, to see Darrell, before he returns to Australia in eleven days time. It has been a while since I saw them both myself, so I was determined to enjoy the few short hours we had together.

Little Jamie was a big part of our life for many years and we spent many happy times together, growing close during a particularly challenging time in my life. Jamie was there for me through the darkest of days and helped pick me up at some terribly low points. The both of us have always got on, having a very similar sense of humour and an interest in similar activities. It was only right that Jamie came with us in 2015 to Gran Alacant, even though it didn't end well for him. As he said, 'it was an experience that made him the person he is today and he wouldn't have missed it for the World.'

We have spent a lot of time catching up with friends and family since Darrell arrived in the UK and it was amazing to include Jamie on that list. By all accounts he hasn't been having a good time recently himself, so it was wonderful to sit down and have a laugh over a few beers. This was one of those occasions where we really did start off where we left and that is important. True friendships never end, even when battling through turmoil, they just take a back seat for a while, while we get our act together and that is the story of our friendship!

Lighthearted chit chat and laughter during onerous times; just what the Doctor ordered. I felt relaxed and happy, free from the stresses of life - It's days like this that all of us need to make time for, despite how busy we are. Happiness is hours spent with those closest, when peace seems too far away; a time to savour together, a break from the furor and fray that engulfs most of our lives on a daily basis!

It's been 20 months since we moved to Spain; we have survived some rough times, some damn right frustrating and challenging times but after everything, we are still here. When I look back a year ago, Darrell having left Spain, to care for his Mother, who had cancer, living in Australia, it was a particularly arduous time; the hardest period since we arrived in Spain. I wasn't in employment, trying to look for work at the end of the summer season on the Costa Blanca, a near impossibility. I felt as low as I possibly could, spending most of my time, shut away in my house. I couldn't afford to go out or even buy shopping, so sitting in my home was the only activity that didn't involve spending; even 2€ for a pint of Mahou was too much, as I tried to survive on 10€ a week, for myself and two cats. Writing then, as now was my only escape. I was blogging everyday, writing my monthly column in the GA Advertiser, composing articles for other newspapers, both here and abroad and trying to finish a book that I had started ten years ago, as well as applying for jobs. Despite not working, I was always busy and never inactive, at least mentally!

Christmas came and went; I am not exaggerating when I say, it was the worst festive season of my life. Jamie, who was living with me at the time, had gone AWOL; he was drinking heavily and partying too hard; his health was suffering and his job was in jeopardy. As much as I cared about this guy, I could not live with him any longer. By the end of Christmas 2016, just into the new year, things had reached breaking point and I asked Jamie to leave, whilst his new partner was staying with us in Spain. A flight was arranged and Jamie left, returning to the UK!

Jamie was the only one of us working at the time and paying his fare share of the rent; without his income I had nothing to live on. Darrell was still living in Australia, looking after his mother, for another two months; Jamie's departure was going to cause me problems and for the next few months, I lived on nothing. I had no money to eat let alone socialise; life had reached its lowest point. People told me I was stupid for kicking Jamie out, questioning my judgement, but when you are confronted by someone on self destruct, dragging you down also, you have no option, despite the consequences. I have no regrets, as I am sure Jamie doesn't, hopefully continuing to move forwards, as he embarks on his new journey.

Darrell's return in March was brief; within a few weeks he had flown to the UK, having to forge a living until him and I started work in Spain. He also had paperwork to prepare, in order to remain legally with me in Gran Alacant; part of the course, when you marry a non EU citizen. Survival was the most important goal for both of us; I was waiting to begin work in a new bar for the summer season and Darrell had just started a new job, driving between Southampton and London each day. For the moment we were Okay and just about managing to keep our heads above water; separated by circumstances, necessary to get through the demanding times ahead; not ideal, but something we had to endure. It made us both stronger, rebuilt our faith and gave us hope after a series of unfortunate events.

Today both our circumstances have changed dramatically! I started work in July of this year. This allowed Darrell to obtain Spanish Residencia and access to the Spanish Health Care system. Just last week Darrell also started work at Alicante airport; so for the first time in many years we are both feeling positive and happy. In November we will be moving to a larger villa in Puerto Marino, nearer to work and from that point, we can begin to live a more productive life. The outlook is rosy for now, but this is Spain and we have no idea what it will throw our way, however we are more than happy to be back on track, earning living and for the first time saving money for the future. It has taken a long time to get to here, all the way back to my relapse in 2015; today we can both stick two fingers up to the detractors, who said our move to Spain was doomed to failure. We have proved them wrong and expect to be living here for many years to come.  In truth we moved to Spain blind, emotionally exhausted and believing it to be the place of dreams, a notion that isn't entirely true. This is the hardest place on earth to survive, let alone get ahead; in my humble opinion, I don't think Darrell and I have done too bad. A week is a long time in Spain, so when I scribble my two year anniversary in January, I have no idea where we will stand, financially and otherwise; only time will tell if this place remains the Spanish home, we always desired; for now we carry on, carrying on!

In today's blog entry, I wanted to reflect over the last year; boy what a year it has been, for both Darrell and myself. This time last year I had finished working at Dunbar's, as Darrell prepared to travel to Australia; spending the final month together before his departure at the beginning of August. We had never spent longer than a week apart from each other in twenty two years; having to spend seven months without one another was going to be hard. Having just moved to a foreign country, without a trusted support network  and without an income, were just some of the obstacles we had to overcome, in what was a most difficult year, one I would rather forget and certainly not a time I would want to revisit again.

Surviving on ones own, isn't something I have done very often in my life, in fact the last time I had to do it, was when I attended University in 1992. I was never any good at living as a single man and found this last year hard. I did of course have a small group of people around me; although these people are no longer there, I am grateful they were at the time. In reality I spent most of the time on my own, or with Jamie, before he left for home in January of this year. After the trauma of Oxfam I was and still am, very reluctant to invite people into my life. Even in Gran Alacant, we have experienced difficulties with individuals, who others had warned us about. Only now am I able to stand tall and have the courage of my own convictions. 

The last year, has taught me a great deal; hardships tend to make us stronger and I have learned to live in a way, only my grandparents would understand. Living on 10,00€ a week, is not something I have ever had to endure, but am grateful I did it. Living hand to mouth at my time of life, is not a way of life I would recommend, but the life lessons you learn are invaluable. As a person, I have always been independent, not wanting to ask anyone for anything. I was more likely to get taken from or used, even if I didn't have a cent to my name; not any longer however; hardship has also taught me to harden up, say no and walk away. 

While Darrell was away in Australia, I was trying to live my life, the best way I could and am lucky enough today, to have gained a strong network of friends, who have been more than generous, towards us. We have gradually changed our circle of contacts over the last year, as our life, and those we used to be friends with, have changed direction. This is probably the first time in my life, when I have actually finally began to think of myself and Darrell only. When you have nothing, you have nothing to give; the networkers and takers, also tend to avoid people like us, because we have nothing worth taking. You are finally left with a small group of people, close, good quality friends, with no expectations on anyone's part.

With Jamie leaving in January, my life really did take a downward spiral. Jamie left me financially in a mess and it was touch and go, whether or not I would survive. With Darrell caring for his Mother and having no source of income, these were dark times, during a particularly bad winter in Spain. This was the lowest point in my life here, the last few months before Darrell returned were deeply disturbing. I saw friends less and less, as they had their own lives to lead and initial reasons of companionship dwindled away.

I managed to pop out as often as a could, to my local pub, Zest in Sierra Mar. I have never been a person, who walked into bars on my own and to be honest never needed to, but when you are feeling low and in need of company, with few people to rely on, it is the ideal place to sit, relax and unwind. The people who work at Zest are great, whose company I enjoy; each of them were there for me, during difficult times. I have formed many close bonds and am lucky enough to call many of those who work there, friends. Zest will always be my local, somewhat of a sanctuary, away from the stresses of life in Spain.

​Natalee Michele is back in our life, after we fell our nearly a year before. Darrell arranged for us to meet at Zest, where we sorted out our differences finally, realising in the process that out initial reasons for breaking contact, were probably made up in the minds of others, trying to drive a wedge between friends. It is good to have her back  and I am thankful to all those who played their part in getting us talking again. 

Our first cat Precious,  died in March. Her health had become steadily worse over the winter and by March, she was practically lifeless. A friend, Paul took me and Precious to the vets in Santa Pola, where I decided to have her put to sleep. The lady vet thought she had experienceda brain hemorrhage and suggested the most humane option. This all happened on the day Darrell returned to the UK, renewing his visa and sorting out the last of the paperwork for residencia  in Spain. Like Darrell, I miss Precious everyday; we still have Lily, although after the death of her sister, she has aged dramatically; I don't think she is long for this world. I am happy we rescued Lily and continue to give her a good life. Animals play a very important role in a home.
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​Darrell returned home in the middle of May, finally back together, hopefully for good. I am not sure whether this is the end of the tough times or not. The insecurity and anxiety I feel is still there, inside of me, after such testing times. I still believe there are real struggles ahead for us both, as we adapt to yet another new chapter in our life. This will once again be a learning curve, a time that will help secure our life in Spain or not and hopefully avoid returning to Britain anytime soon. The bipolarcoaster ride, I have been on since 2014 continues unabated. In time  as we both gain the security we deserve, the ups and downs of our life will cease to be important. A smooth ride is all I desire, doing our time, forebearance over personal burden and vestigial perseverance, in the face of disaster, will help to repair the damage of the past. To learn, is to evolve; evolving helps to forget; always a reminder of challenges overcome!

It has been a somewhat shaky start to 2017.  The consequences of Jamie's departure continue to cause problems for other people, including myself. You would expect me to publish details, wouldn't you; well even I know when to stay silent, at least for now.  My only comment on this matter is as follows:

'If you play fair with your employer, then they will certainly, normally, always play fair with you!'

There has also been a problem with 'hacking',  Emails and facebook have been targeted.  Probably, to cause as much damage as possible.  Luckily those involved, once again, including myself, were no too badly hurt.  There were no deaths and very little destruction.  There seems to be a bit of a pattern here, one I have seen many times in the past.  Faceless individuals, unable to stand up and be counted.  They exist everywhere, in everyones life.  Karma is a great healer, and it's coming your way very soon.

I have finally finished cleaning up the debris left behind and evrything is looking great again.  The New Year is time for a new start; it is much better to have closure now, rather than even more difficult circumstances in the future.  Jamie has made the right decision to leave.  Everyone here understands his reasons; despite the mess he has left behind, I wish him luck, but for me now, I shall be moving onwards and upwards. There will be no looking back.  If one is given opportunities in life, to change and evolve, one should take them, run with them and do good things in life; if not one only has oneself to blame.  Others have to shoulder responsibility now, to ensure a happy ending!

Sadly, this morning I not only said goodbye to Jamie Smith, but also Jamie Hough. Jamie's Spanish adventure has ended, little under a year after it began.  

Over the last few months, Jamie has steadily deteriorated, health wise. The Spanish winter can be hard, harder than anything, you experience in Britain. Don't get me wrong, it has nothing to do with the weather, it has more to do with, the ending of summer and the beginning of winter hardships. Although Jamie had a job, he was earning far less than he had in the past and was suffering as a result.

When Jamie arrived in Spain, ten months ago, he was determined to change his life; he had too!  Initially he done amazingly well, and as this picture shows, he put on weight and started to look and feel better, for the first time in many years.  

Somewhere along the line, something changed. If you asked me today, what went wrong, I do have my own answers, but for various reasons do not want to publish them.  Jamie was well liked in his job, made many friends, some better than others and worked hard.  Jamie's problem is, he played hard too.  This could be seen in a steady decline in health and low self esteem.  

Jamie left with Jamie today, flying out of Alicante at 3.30pm, returning home, to an uncertain future.  I am sure his family and friends in the UK, will make sure he gets all the help he needs to rebuild his life once again.  I have known many people like Jamie, most come through and fight their demons, a small minority, will forever chase the dark times, unable to cope with life as most people can.  I hope he is able to see through the muddle and confusion, and move forward in life, successfully!

I am going to miss this young lad.  He also gave me a purpose in life, allowing me to care for someone, who needed the help.  If I had known how bad  the extend of his decline, had become, I would have done much more. As soon as I realised the truth, last night, I was able to confront the reality. He will forever be a son to me and will command a strong place in my heart.  I wish him all the luck in the World and hope others will help him now, not lead him down a path of destruction, as they have in the past!

Jamie has had a bit of a roller coaster ride recently.  This time of year has never been great in his eyes; mine neither, so it is only fitting, that 2017, brings different challenges and a renewed sense of purpose. Sometimes you can get a little bit lost; feeling like you are confined on a rudderless ship, without direction; that doesn't mean you should give up on all your dreams and ambitions. It is true to say that Jamie had reached a bad point in his Spanish adventure; we all do that from time to time.  After a dreadful Christmas period, with a friend here with him, we have at least been able to sit down and talk about things; important issues, that need to be discussed.

​Spain can take you down many paths, a lot of them destructive; you just need to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, before it's too late.  I think he has made a lot of progress over the last week and can now decide what he wants out of his time here.  Jamie is trying to change, that can only be a good thing.  

Spain can be as good, productive and wonderous as you like; it can also be hard, complicated and difficult.  Whether or not you get past the dark times, depends on your ability, to see through the confusion in front of you!