On Monday, I had my pre-op with the Upper GI department at Queen Alexandra Hospital. Having only ever had one operation before, in the 1980s, for an emergency appendix removal, I really have no idea what to expect. According to the lovely lady I spoke to on the phone, times have changed a lot, since the last time I had a general anaesthetic. Naturally however I am worried about having major surgery, especially because I have so many other conditions to contend with, but suitably reassured, I am looking forward to having my gallbladder finally removed, after a year and a half wait.

The operation itself shouldn't be too difficult and is a relatively common procedure. It is carried out through keyhole surgery, unless they have to do an open removal, which would complicate matters and extend the recovery time. My biggest concern is how much damage has been done, because of the long wait due to the pandemic. Also, I have a lot of left sided pain, rather than right, which is unusual and may indicate something different is going on. At the moment, I just don't know how bad the damage is; this is an operation that should have been scheduled a year ago.

The severity of the pain I have been experiencing would suggest other internal processes at work. My symptoms are wide and varied, probably because of IBS and the other illnesses I suffer with, but I am trying to remain focused on the future and what happens after the operation.

Of course, I am hoping my quality of life will improve after the cholecystectomy, but that isn't guaranteed. Most people return to normal afterwards and are able to eat a conventional diet, but for others it isn't that simple.  For some, eating a diet that contains fat of any kind is impossible, with the body unable to process it in the same way again; this isn't dissimilar to my eating habits today. Currently, I can only eat very small amounts of fat in my diet, due to a dysfunctional gallbladder. If I do consume too much, the pain is unbearable, and I am immediately sick. I am so careful with what I consume, because of the terrible symptoms I suffer, if I stray too far away from natural, non-processed foods. I am well aware of the difficulties ahead, but am prepared to have the procedure anyway, in order to try to get back to a semblance of normality and a regular routine, of sorts.

It looks like I will be off work for a couple of weeks, while the wounds heal. I will be left with five small scars across my abdomen, after the gallbladder is removed. Initially they will be sore, but should improve quickly, and I should be up and about in a relatively short time. Unable to do anything strenuous for six weeks, I hope to be back to my old self by September, although I will probably live with Gastrointestinal issues for a lot longer. Naturally, I have read much on the operation, especially in conjunction with IBS, and I am apprehensive, my IBS may get worse. I have so many GI issues now, that my stomach just doesn't know whether it's coming or going, and I have a feeling this is something I will have to live with long term. Preparing for the worst is my forte; being the realist I am, I just have to keep hoping for the best case scenario!

Sadly, Darrell will not be here when I am in Hospital, which of course adds extra anxiety, to an already challenging situation. Like so many other milestones in our life together recently, we will not be together, and that makes everything more difficult. Having an operation, whilst my partner is in another country, is going to be hard. I keep having thoughts of not waking up and never seeing him again. I have been preparing for any eventuality and making sure all my affairs are in order before my op on the 26th. Making sure Darrell is aware of any issues that may arise, is top of my agenda, just in case the worst happens, but let's not dwell and only concentrate on the new beginning that will follow.

On Monday I have a series of blood tests, to check my iron levels and make sure I am well enough to have the operation, then on Friday I will have a PCR COVID test and immediately go into self-isolation, before the operation on Monday morning. I have been told it may be a long wait and that I will also have to stay in hospital afterwards, to be monitored, mainly because I don't have anyone who can be with me for 24 hours after the procedure. Staying in hospital during a pandemic, is also not something I am looking forward to, but I am aware I will be kept in the safest parts of QA and will be as protected as I can be.

Whatever the outcome, I am just glad it will be finally over. Unless the pandemic really accelerates and hospital beds fill, cancelling the gallbladder operation. I hope to be back at work within a few weeks, until then, I'll just sit, worry, procrastinate and act like the nervous wreck I normally am; it's the way I have always muddled through and part of the person I have always been.

This week has been seven days of hell where my health is concerned, so much so, I am thinking of taking matters into my own hands. I have so many conditions to contend with at the moment, that I literally don't know what ailment is causing which pain. It has become very hard functioning on a daily basis, without experiencing some sort of discomfort. I don't know how many times I have mentioned it to my GP, only to be fobbed off with a generalised answer, that is designed to make me feel better... WELL, I DON'T FEEL GOOD, I DON'T FEEL GOOD AT ALL!

After a series of Xrays on my back and hips, I had an appointment with Rheumatology this week, to discuss the results. As usual, I was expecting the worst and had mixed feelings about hearing from the consultant. As it happens, there was good and bad news, and it certainly wasn't as terrible as I thought it would be.

Luckily, I have been told that I don't have rheumatoid arthritis, which would have been the worst outcome of all. The signs were there, but the blood tests and xrays came back negative. The bad news was really as I expected. I have substantial damage to the discs and joints in my lower back, which have been causing me a lot of pain. The Doctor explained that ultimately I may have to have an operation, but as long as I can live with the aching, she recommended I do nothing yet. Also, I would be referred back to physiotherapy, which could now be more tailored to my own personal needs. As per usual, she suggested I lose weight, which is easier said than done. Despite all the walking I do on a daily basis, the pounds just seem to pile on.

Speaking to her about  my difficulty with weight loss and other chronic symptoms I have been experiencing, she hinted there may be a problem with my thyroid. A chat with my GP and more tests and referrals, could help me discover why I am feeling the way I am.  I'm sure my GP must think I am a hypochondriac at times, but after three years, she is used to my ongoing complaints. To be honest, looking at my constant push for answers, I have discovered many ailments, I never knew I had. You do have to be as vocal as you can, especially during a pandemic, because surgeries across the country are not working as they should and many people are being left in pain, like me. It is important for me to find out what is going on, so I can finally move on with my life.

On Thursday, whilst talking to Darrell on the phone, I was interrupted by a phone call from QA Hospital, from the surgical unit of the upper GI department. They had a date for my cholecystectomy operation to remove my gallbladder, finally, after a year and three months of waiting. I was informed the date would be 17 July and I would need to make arrangements to attend on that day. I am also required to self-isolate for three days prior to the operation and take a PCR COVID-19 test a few days before. Despite the logistical nightmare, of having a procedure during a pandemic, I was just relieved I would finally have my gallbladder removed and could hopefully start living a normal life again. Only time will tell whether this will be enough to stop the pain I experience on a daily basis, or if I will have to undergo more treatment in the future.

Today, whilst at work, I was contacted by QA Hospital once again to change the appointment date to the following week, due to no radiologist being available on that day. On the same weekend my Aunt is throwing her first party for close family and friends, I will be confined to a room upstairs. This is rather annoying if I am honest, but I am so desperate to have this operation, I will just have to do what is necessary. This is the only date available, and I just can't pick and chose right now.

On top of the conditions I suffer with, Diverticular Disease, GERD, a large Hiatal Hernia, gallbladder disease and narrowing of the spine, I also have IBS symptoms on a daily basis. As you would expect, my IBS is out of control at the moment. I always refer to IBS as 'my IBS' because all of us who suffer with it, have our own unique symptoms. This is an individual disease, that affects each of us differently. My symptoms are ongoing, every day, but thankfully some days are better than others.

Since my first severe symptoms more than three years ago, with careful planning, eating a relatively low FODMAP diet and medication, I have managed to control the worst aspects of IBS. I do, however, suffer more frequently now than I used to, just in a milder form. I have been told that the chronic conditions I experience, are at least in part responsible for the abdominal pain I have, but I just can't be sure by how much. IBS controls your whole life, sucks the lifeblood out of you and consumes every waking hour. Stomach, back, hip and pelvic pain is common, as well as a change in bowel habits, nausea, dizziness and depression. I am frequently reminded how I will have to live with this for the rest of my life, and I am constantly searching for solutions to help me cope with the anxiety and distress this causes.

I am hoping that after my operation, my IBS symptoms will subside, but I am told that may not happen, and there is a chance I could be left in a worse state than I am now. Having a cholecystectomy is no guarantee of normality, in fact it may well just be the beginning of a journey to repair the damage done to my body over many years. I have learned to live well again, eating healthy, no longer smoking or drinking and working hard to survive. I have rebuilt my life and become a much better person, but the years of neglect have taken their toll and I will most probably live with persistent pain for the rest of my days. Managing the challenging aspects of illness, and mitigating the worst characteristics of these complaints, should help me regain some form of control. As a wise man once told me, 'Don't let it control you, control it!' Removing the constraints I have lived under for so long, is my overriding priority now, beating back the spectre of illness and overcoming my concerns, offers a path of hope through a sea of pain!

It's been eight days since I put pen to paper, or rather fingers to keys, and I've had the busiest time; I just don't seem to get a moment's peace lately. I've never been a person to genuinely unwind or chill and on occasion I really notice that fact; the resulting stress can be too much, causing all sorts of problems for my wellbeing. IBS is just one of the issues I have to work around, because I have never learnt to deal with the stress of life. Writing is the only mechanism I have to relax; it helps me process everything that is going on in my life and deal with circumstances I would otherwise ignore. This week I could have done with a few hours blogging, quietly in my bedroom, instead, I am having to write this entry, after a long nine-hour shift. Writing under such constraints can affect my writing, and it shows through the words I use. All of us need to make time for the things we enjoy, in order to create a more congenial environment in which to thrive.

I did manage to speak with Darrell briefly over the last week, however, as we begin the process of organising his return to the UK. This is no easy task in the current climate; no longer can you jump on a plane and fly to the other side of the World. A suitable care package will have to be arranged for Mum, in case Darrell is unable to return and her health deteriorates. He will have to apply for an exemption to travel, three months before he intends to fly and of course, both of us will have to monitor COVID restrictions carefully, in case things make a turn for the worst. Nothing is easy anymore, we are back where we were in 1998, and it's going to get harder.

Suddenly things have got hectic again, after nearly six months of lockdown. I have gone from working as little as possible and getting paid furlough from the pub where I work, to grafting 24/7. Don't get me wrong, I am fine with work and enjoy working hard, but in my 50th year, I should be taking it a little easier, not working every hour that God sends. The reality is, I need to make more time to do the things I love and take a step back when I am able, instead of agreeing to do everything for other people, getting very little in return.

My IBS has been chronic lately, I have had symptoms every single day, and they are getting worse. I am doing everything I can to try and control the symptoms, but my life has just become so damn stressful; the anxiety I feel is overtaking my life, consequently exacerbating my IBS symptoms. Trying to get Darrell back home for November has become my overriding priority and the steps we are having to take, is bringing back memories of our struggle to stay together in the late 1990s. If I am truthful, I am probably suffering with some form of depression and need something to help - therapy, medication or a friendly shoulder to cry on. I am finding this period difficult to manage, especially with my growing workload and need to rethink my current Situation.

Being back at Cancer Research has brought me close to the people I care about once again, laughing, joking and talking about everyday mundane stuff, that I haven't been able to do for so long. This is the outlet that I need each week, to get me through, but it is also a time when I should be taking it easy; integrating it into my schedule can be hard. I am going to have to make some adjustments in order to continue doing what I love most. This week will be a time to rework my life in order to continue moving in the direction I want.

After speaking with my Doctor this week, I am taking back control of my destiny. I have suffered with various aches and pains for too long now and have started demanding answers. Under GP supervision, I have cut back the statins I take for high cholesterol by half; after reading about the side effects, that could be responsible for the way I am feeling, I think I may have stumbled across some much-needed answers. It has been a week since I changed my medication and surprisingly, I am starting to feel a lot better. Maybe these little pills were causing me problems, maybe it's just psychosomatic or maybe, just maybe, I need to start doing things on my terms.

I have contacted Queen Alexandra Hospital, to try and push my gallstone operation forward and am also trying to discover when I have been scheduled to undergo colon and endoscopies. These are all part of the crucial investigations into the nature of the pain I am experiencing. My GP, is also writing to them to plead my case, for urgent examinations to begin as soon as possible, since my symptoms are getting worse. There are no guarantees of course, but I hope the more I harass and cajole, the more responsive they will be. I haven't felt good for a long-time now and just want to feel normal again. My Doctor seems to think, that when Darrell returns from Australia, all my problems will just disappear. I personally have my doubts; there is more to this than a simple return to normality; only time will tell.

On a positive note, with lockdown finally over on 17th May, I was back working behind the bar at the Newcome Arms. After seeing familiar faces once again, as cliché as it sounds, it really did feel like I had never been away. Colleagues and customers have always played an important role in my life in Portsmouth, and it was difficult being apart during the height of the pandemic. Returning to this backstreet pub was a sure sign normality was returning once again, at least in the short term. This was the first job I had in Portsmouth, after my return from Spain, and it is probably the most important for that reason. The people who frequent The Newcome are family friends first and foremost, my boss is a good and trusted friend and I feel comfortable in the company of colleagues, I have known for a long time now. These first small steps back to the way things were, will be difficult, but the little public house on the corner of Newcome Road, is a step back in time to the future all of us crave.

When I look at the state of the World today, I am lucky to be working at all. It was fortunate I returned home when I did in 2018, had I  still been in Spain when the pandemic hit, my life could have been very different. This week has offered a rare insight into life after COVID-19, and it's pretty much the same as it was before the virus. As long as we all remain vigilant and the Indian variant doesn't take hold in every corner of the country, all of us should be able to breathe a 'half sigh' of relief, looking forward to a life that was put on hold, eighteen months ago!

I haven't been feeling the best over the last few weeks; if I am totally honest, my various health issues seem to be overtaking my life again. Suffering from IBS can be debilitating and I do have good and bad days. On a perfect day, I can function at near normality and be more or less pain free. However, these are rare days now and the majority of the time I do suffer from discomfort, to differing degrees.

A few days ago I had a gallbladder attack, something I have only experienced on two other occasions. After the last strike, I had adjusted my diet and lifestyle to accommodate for my gallbladder disease diagnosis. I began eating much smaller portions, followed a strict low Fodmap diet and exercised on a regular basis. All of these changes calmed the chronic problems I have, and I really began to feel like I was winning. Some days I actually forgot I even had any conditions at all.

My diagnosis of IBS feels rather tenuous at times. One has to remember I was given this prognosis at a time, when I had no quantifiable illness to otherwise contradict the Doctors judgement. Today I have gallbladder disease, a hiatal hernia, Diverticular Disease, Kidney stones and gastritis. Added together, they make for  hellish Gastrointestinal function, that can be impossible to stabilise. Whether I have IBS on top of this is debatable in my opinion, but the specialists do seem to think I have very bad symptoms, because of all these ailments. I can understand that and do whatever I can to ease the ongoing pain.

Medication, natural herbal remedies and digestive enzymes, together with a healthy lifestyle, including no alcohol and smoking have all started to produce results. I have been feeling markedly better, so much so, I took my eye off the ball and started eating the wrong things. Since Christmas, I have put on over a stone in weight and the aches and pains have come back with a vengeance, culminating in that gallbladder attack in the middle of the week.

I know when I've had a pummelling from that useless gallbladder, that in my case stopped working properly several years ago. The pain is like nothing I have endured before. Radiating across my chest, upper back, abdomen and arm, it is akin to childbirth (so I am told.) I initially thought I was having a heart attack the first time I had one, but today realise how important it is to try and ride it out. The pain was so intense on Thursday that I violently threw up for two hours and really thought I might have to phone an ambulance. However, as fast as it began, it disappeared and exhausted, I was able to operate normally once again.

At the end of April, I have an appointment with rheumatology at Queen Alexandra Hospital, so I can finally get some answers as to what is occurring. It is believed I have Fibromyalgia, but Rheumatoid Arthritis is still a possibility. They may well be able to help with my gastro issues, if there is a link between the two. I am also still awaiting a gallbladder removal operation and at least three other procedures, to give a more concrete analysis of just what is going on. I hope it isn't too much longer before I can get back to some semblance of normality and live a more fulfilled life. Until then, I guess it will be more of the same, until I can get to the end of this sorry saga, that has plagued my life for far too long.

After the awful week I've had, I'm hoping for a quieter, less intense seven days ahead. Careful eating and stepping back from those naughty habits, that have returned once again, should hopefully pay dividends. I don't want another bout of pain again, at least in the short term, otherwise next time I will end up in A&E, not a place I want to be right now. A change in diet is the first step to regaining the upper hand and until the pandemic ends and operations are carried out, it is the only tool I have to get me though. With a positive outlook and understanding network of friends, I'm hopeful life will finally return to convention and my mind can concentrate on bigger and better things!

I have another week off work, once again taken during lockdown, beginning on the day children finally went back to school, and we were allowed to meet a single person outside for a walk. Yup that's how bad things had got; all of us supposedly locked down in our homes for the duration of the second wave of the pandemic.

This morning I had another early appointment at the Guildhall Square Test Centre, where I had a third Coronavirus lateral flow test. I have got used to the procedure now and was in and out within five minutes. I will be having a test twice a week, until this pandemic is finally over, mainly to make sure others are safe. The test centre was busier than usual, and it was good to see so many people taking advantage of this facility, at a time when all of us should stay safe.

With the sun out, I took advantage of the great weather, apart from the biting cold that is, and walked down to the sea front, a short distance away.  It was a very quick walk for me today, just five miles; I have been suffering a lot from foot pain, so didn't want to overdo it. Nevertheless, it was long enough to make me feel energised and alive. It is rather sad that I only seem to find time to walk when I am not working these days, but I guess that's the nature of work and I have to make sure I find a more beneficial work/life balance.

I was going to make my way to Portsmouth Cathedral, but with the promenade closed for building work, I took a short walk to Castle Field, where I enjoyed the sea air, surprisingly calm water and dry conditions. For once there was no rain, and it was just nice to get out and go somewhere different. From the Castle, I walked up to the bandstand, where I noticed a memorial to a young lad who had obviously passed away, a story I have yet to discover, but important to those who commemorated his loss. Interestingly, there are many such commemorative sites across Portsmouth, each, lovingly placed to remember the loss of someone close.

I have a busy week ahead, which always happens during holidays. With a new bed being delivered this week, I have a lot of sorting out to do. However, I do want to get out and do some more walking this week, without pushing my bad foot too hard. During the first and second lockdown, I was able to explore Portsmouth in its entirety, so today I can take a more leisurely look at this great city. With all the kids back at school, it was a nice, less fraught trek this morning; there were very few people about, and it is certainly something I need to do more of in the future. I have put on 6 kg since Christmas and have been feeling rather bloated, probably due to IBS as well, so it's time to pick up the exercise bug where I left off, and do something about this fifty-year-old body, that looks every inch its age.

I've just got off the phone from the Royal Bournemouth Hospital; I was approached about taking part in a new COVID vaccine trial several weeks ago and the lead organiser wanted to touch base about a revolutionary new vaccine trial. Unlike other vaccine studies this particular one is a microbial antibody testing programme, using the serum from recovered patients.  I have been interested in taking part in such a medical evaluation for a while now and want to play my part, in the fight against this virus.

I was given an initial telephone assessment, to check I was the right calibre of person to take part in this unique study and was told I had passed this first stage. Next I have to undergo some health and blood tests, something I am very used to at my time of life, and then the administering of any new vaccine. Of course this may take a while, but I am looking forward to being a part of this group in the not too distant future.

The organiser explained, that as a front line worker, who isn't part of the initial vaccine roll out, falling outside the list of nine priority groups, who will be vaccinated first, I was just the type of person they were looking for. I was also informed of other up and coming trials that I could also take part in, should I decide this one isn't right for me. If anything I may well get the chance of having a jab sooner rather than later, which will only help me and the anxiety I suffer with every day; that cant be a bad thing!

After speaking to the Royal Bournemouth, I was able to talk with Darrell, who is feeling a little alone at the moment, like all of us. He wanted me to update his CV, so he can do some volunteering during the last few months he has left in Australia. He is speaking with someone tomorrow about volunteering with Kangaroos, helping to look after them and feed newborns, especially after the terrible bush fires in Western Australia recently.

Darrell has found the last few months, especially hard, and I am just glad he is looking into doing something productive, especially with wild animals. Personally I can't wait to be able to volunteer again; it is great for the soul and our own sense of well-being. I have given up my time, helping various charities over the years and have always enjoyed it.

On Monday I will finally get my pneumonia jab, which has been delayed and delayed for various reasons including having to self-isolate. I have made a decision to go ahead and get the vaccine, despite the £70.00 cost. As an ex smoker, I am more susceptible to this awful disease and with secondary pneumonia a complication of Coronavirus, I am glad to be having it done. These days I am constantly thinking about my health and doing what I can to survive this dreadful period.

My IBS has also been out of control recently, so I decided to take some medical advice about how to manage it. together with my other gastrointestinal issues, a practitioner suggested I try some 'digestive enzymes' and 'Milk Thistle,' which I have bought from the health food shop in town. I have only been taking them for a couple of days, but already my stomach feels a hundred times better. However, I do have a terrible headache, which can apparently be a side effect of the enzymes. I am just hoping it isn't a permanent feature, especially as my stomach feels like new.

As all of us battle our own demons during this pandemic, I am more mindful of my health. No smoking or drinking, healthy eating and lots of walking seems to be paying dividends. If it wasn't for my IBS I would feel great, but you can't have everything. I hope the next nine months before Darrell returns to the UK is the beginning of a sea change in my life, that lasts way beyond this pandemic and I can start living life more positively once again. Without the mistakes of the past and the challenges we strived to overcome, I pray this is the beginning of something good and the end of the worst twelve months of our life. This is a time to grow, a time to heal and a time to look forward, onwards to the future, not looking back at the past!

It's Friday, not a day I usually blog, because I am normally beavering away at work by now, however this week, once again, I am self Isolating. Yesterday I received yet another message from 'Track and Trace,' to isolate, after coming into contact with someone who has reported they have Coronavirus symptoms. I've lost count how many times I have had to do this now, but it must be about three or four. Yes it is tiresome, inconvenient and exasperating, but unlike others, I understand the importance of doing it. It was interesting to see on the news last night, that around twenty-eight thousand  people are actually ignoring the notifications and carrying on as normal. Why, just why would you? If you have the app on your phone, follow it and do the right thing for Christ’s sake, it is your civic duty.

As usual, I have no idea how or why I came into contact with whoever this person is, but I have a good idea. When I am working, I am protected from the general public by a perspex shield, so there is no need to have my 'Track and Trace' app turned on. In fact the service have told me to turn it off. Nevertheless, I did have a Hospital Appointment on the day I would have been exposed, so this could be the reason why I am isolating yet again. Like everyone else I will never know who gave my details and I will remain in the dark, which is probably a good thing.

I do have concern about the timings involved. I received a message yesterday to isolate for five days, which means If I did have COVID-19, I would have been walking around for five days, following my usual routine, not knowing I could have been passing on this deadly virus. One can only assume the person who reported symptoms, didn't do so soon enough or the results of the test came through later than one would have expected. It is so important people are notified quickly, to stop the spread; this is the second time I have had a very short quarantine period, which says something is going wrong with the system. Let's hope that the Government gets its act together and of course the public actually follow the rules and report symptoms as soon as they get them!

On a positive note, it is great to see the UK's vaccination programme really ramping up. When I listened to the news yesterday, ten and a half million people had already received their first dose of the vaccine. This is great news; the sooner all of us are immunised, the quicker we will get back to normal. The crucial thing is, everyone who is offered a jab, takes the jab. I am sick and tired of the conspiracy theories and the anti-vaxxers. These people know nothing about this virus and its impact on families and need to take a long hard look at themselves. Their views are abhorrent and wrong and deserve no air time. Shocking scenes of these people storming hospital wards, accusing health care professionals of 'murder' is beyond comprehension, It highlights the odious lack of understanding and education. It is an appalling indictment on a small, yet vocal minority of the population, that mistakenly believe this virus is a hoax, it just makes me want to cry!

One piece of news I did find a little hard to stomach this week, was Europe's reaction to our Vaccination programme. Predictably, they slammed our efforts, implying we were taking risks with peoples lives, having not tested the vaccines properly. At one stage they threatened Britain with a hard Northern Irish border, trying to divert valuable medicines to the European Union. The vindictive nature of their behaviour, trying to restrict the amount of vaccine made in the EU, travelling to the UK, because we had actually ordered and secured batches three months before, beggars belief. They were willing to disrupt supply to those who needed it most, in order to save face. It is their bureaucracy that has delayed their immunisation programme; it has nothing to do with us. Luckily they backed down at the last minute as Europe invariably does. My love hate relationship with Europe has once again been tested. Having reversed my stance on Brexit, I was once again brought to boiling point, by Europe's actions. Their conduct is the reason I voted to leave, this just creates more negativity, when we should all be working together.

This week we saw the death of a hero, the superstar of this pandemic, an ex serviceman, Knight of the Realm and champion of the National Health Service. Sadly Captain Sir Tom Moore, who raised thirty-nine million pounds for NHS charities died of Pneumonia and Coronavirus, succumbing to the disease, he had fought against throughout 2020. This man, who in his 99th year, walked a hundred laps of his garden, raising millions, was a loss that's hard to countenance.

Sir Tom was the constant in all our lives last year; his positive outlook, cheerful disposition and stoicism in the face of tragedy carried all of us through the worst of the pandemic. This national treasure was an inspiration during dark times, a man who encouraged many to raise yet more money for charities up and down the country and was known throughout the World for his efforts. Losing this gentle soul in his 100th year, was a tragic day for everyone with an ounce of empathy and compassion. His loss will be felt by all of us, especially his family and those who knew him best.

I would like to offer my sincere condolences to Sir Toms family at this sad time and hope his legacy will live on, long after the pandemic has gone. It is people like him that epitomise the plucky British spirit, sense of duty and strength in the face of adversity. A man unknown just a year ago, rose to the challenges of a virus, that could have taken his life at any stage and became a living, breathing hero, who none of us will forget. The man of the moment will forever live in the hearts of a nation who needed his courage, in order to face the challenges ahead. His achievements will always be remembered, in death as they were in life.

I did manage to speak to Darrell briefly over the last few days and he is phoning me every day whilst I am self isolating. To be honest it is the only time we actually get to talk more often. Having to lock myself away for a week isn't ideal, but it does give me a little bit of 'me' time that I wouldn't otherwise have.

Darrell has also been isolating this week, not because of possible contact with someone who has tested positive for COVID, but because Western Australia entered a brief total lockdown. A security guard, tested positive for the more deadly UK strain and had been working several jobs, bringing him into contact with many different people. The authorities there were understandably concerned about a potential outbreak and immediately did the right thing, closing the state.

Darrell was unsurprisingly frustrated; unlike us Brits, he isn't used to the mandatory mask wearing and rule adherence. When I phoned him today, he told me they had come out of lockdown, after everyone who had come into contact with the virus had tested negative. Once again I can't fault Australia for their quick reaction to a situation, that could have so quickly got out of hand and once again Darrell and Mum can breathe a sigh of relief.

Bush fires have also been raging in Western Australia, just 2 km from where we used to live in Ellenbrook. Of course this isn't entirely unusual, but their proximity to the city is and is also a concern for Darrell and the residents who live there.

Wherever you are in the World at the moment, there does seem to be an overbearing number of problems and disturbances to deal with - COVID, wildfires, political unrest in Burma, famine in Africa and the after effects of Brexit. All of these issues seem to indicate a time of turbulence, that I haven't really witnessed in my lifetime. As a planet we have enjoyed prosperity and progress up to now and enjoyed a relatively peaceful period, free from the unrest and turmoil of the past. 2020 has shown us, fate is always round the corner waiting to rear its ugly head and all of us should prepare for the worst. My generation had become too complacent, it's time all of us woke up to the challenges, that will dominate all our lives from now on.

So, I have another four days of self-isolation to go before I can get back to work, which is going to drive me bonkers once again. I am taking the opportunity to catch up on some reading, blogging and sorting out by IBS symptoms. Today I am fasting for twenty-four hours, which always helps to reset my stomach. Already the pain has subsided, as I just drink green tea and water, and although I am feeling a bit dizzy and tired, I am at least enjoying the benefits of a pain free day.

I'm not really sure why fasting helps, but from what I believe it is about giving the stomach time to rest, without having to process any food; whatever the reasons, it seems to work for me. At a time when all of us should be thinking about our own personal well-being, exercising, eating healthily and doing whatever we can to avoid the terrible effects of Coronavirus, should we be unfortunate to contract it, it is important for me at least to look after my digestive system. When my tummy feels good, so do I. If I can only lower my stress levels as well, I should hopefully weather the storm until it is my turn to be vaccinated, until then it will be more of the same - isolating, mask wearing, social distancing and sanitizing one's hands. Nothing lasts forever and like all of you, I long for the day life returns to normal; stay safe everyone, stay safe!

Today, thinking about what to write, I find myself a little stumped. For the first time in God knows how long, I just can't think of anything to mention, that is causing me concern, or something else I just need to get off my chest. As weeks go, it has been a pretty mundane one for me, and although the World seems to be imploding around us, I have just blocked out most of the bad stuff and concentrated on me for a change.

Usually I would be glued to the television, absorbing the Coronavirus news and expressing a view on the Governments handling of the virus, but today, I just don't have an opinion. I've been feeling rather apathetic about the whole sorry saga if I am honest, and often feel I am banging my head against a brick wall. Of course, I express opinions on social media, just like everyone else, which doesn't always go down well. My sentiments are not shared by everyone and I get upset at their lack of respect for all key workers working hard during this pandemic. Sometimes, I just have to bite my tongue and ignore the Covidiots, as much as I would like to take them to task.

I had to go to the opticians this week to get my eyes tested, not something I particularly wanted to do in the current climate, but absolutely necessary, considering how bad my eyesight has got in recent times. Dizzy spells, blurred vision and headaches, have been plaguing my life, especially since April 2020. Naturally I am concerned about why this is happening, and I have tried different things, to find the cause, including stopping medication. I have managed to reduce the beta blocker  medication, Propranolol I have been prescribed by two thirds and  have stopped taking my blood pressure medication altogether. This may well seem dangerous to some, but I am continuing to monitor my blood pressure almost daily and so far there doesn't seem to be any detrimental effects.

On top of this change of regime, I have stopped smoking and drinking, and I am doing all I can to stay healthy. Obviously because of IBS, I have also had to adjust my diet and I did have concerns that the gallbladder disease I have, may also be contributing towards malabsorption issues, thus causing dizziness through lack of nutrients. Supplements of magnesium, to counteract the lansoprazole I have to take, vitamin D, a probiotic pill and enzyme tablets to help with the food intolerances, have not worked as well as I would have expected, but I do have good days and I just hope I get to the bottom of my ongoing troubles soon.

Attending the opticians was a chore in itself, greeted by staff in full PPE and having to undergo a more invasive test than I would have liked. Sat there as the optometrist moved close to my face, shining a bright light into my eyes, I literally grimaced under my mask. I haven't been that close to anyone in over a year, and it was a rather uncomfortable feeling. I did ask him, in a rather light-hearted way, if he was safe, to which he replied  'are you?' He assured me he was tested regularly, and I was as safe as I could be under the circumstances. I can't say I was suitably  reassured, but, I was resigned to the fact, that life does have to carry on.

No significant issues, pointing towards a sinister reason for my dizziness and disorientation was found, and I was left none the wiser about my current state of health. My eyesight has deteriorated since my last test and I ordered new glasses in a procedure highlighting the strange times we are living through - sanitizing lenses, plastic gloves and socially distancing, whilst trying to be fitting for new spectacles. Forty-five minutes later, I breathed a sigh of relief and was out of there, another diagnostic done, many more on the way.

My next appointment is to undergo cardiac assessments and investigations at the end of this month and I should hopefully be a step closer to understanding just what is happening. Until then, I am working harder than ever, have very little time to myself and am glad to keep busy. Like everyone else I am looking forward to the end of winter and a move towards better days, constantly aware of the dangers that lurk around every corner and hopeful the measures I take to keep myself safe, continue to pay dividends!

Stay safe everyone!

On Sunday I met up with Ramona, my best mate from University, for our monthly lunch date. This time we drove to The Crate and Apple Gastro pub, just down the road from the famous, Chichester Cathedral. The food was once again superb, especially dessert, the baked cheesecake, the special of the day. I was obviously a little dubious choosing the sweet course considering my IBS issues, but threw caution to the wind and gave it a go! The flavours were sensational; the fruit  and edible flowers, a perfect accompaniment with this home cooked dish. The main course was great also, although the lamb was just a little overcooked for my taste, nevertheless it was worth every penny.

We were seated by the fire in this traditional pub and once again chatted for the two hours we were there, about what we had been up to over the last month and most importantly, how we had been coping during this pandemic. Both of us have elderly parents, so have been doing our best to avoid putting them at any risk. Like me, Ramona feels it is important to keep a safe distance, until the danger has passed, but that does leave both her and I in a difficult position. Loneliness and a disconnection from loved ones has taken its toll and if I am honest, like Ramona, I am feeling more worn down by the day.

My old Uni friend has become an important part of my life, as I wrestle with the issues around Coronavirus. We both hadn't seen each other for a while, before meeting up over the last few months. We had however spoken on the phone, when COVID-19 was at its height, helping each other through a particularly difficult time in all our lives. There is definitely something very reassuring about having someone close, who you grew up with during an exceptionally enlightening time. Coming to terms with my sexuality and leaving home for the first time, was both thrilling and challenging, and I was lucky enough to share these important years with Ramona!

I have found myself reaching out to people more and more, especially now, as we approach the second wave of this pandemic and I'm not really sure why. I guess my own mortality has become a source of concern, especially after feeling so terribly ill in the spring, but it's more than that. My relationship with friends has always been strange, pushing them away more, then I invite them in. I have always been afraid of getting hurt, as I have been in the past, but I have also been a bit of a loner, preferring to spend time with my own thoughts and feelings, writing, reading and enjoying a solitary lifestyle. I had so many bad influences in my life at one stage, I had to rid myself of whole swathes of people, in order to move forwards.

Of course Ramona is one of the good guys, but I still find it difficult to trust anyone, after the turmoil I suffered at the hands of others. She has restored my faith in friendships and made me realise just how important they are now. None of us know how long we have left in this World; having a close bond with someone, for over thirty years is a rare thing, something special to be cherished and not discarded because of a misguided sense of foreboding. If this pandemic has taught me anything, it is the importance of friends, these are the people, who along with my family, have got me through these terrible painful months.

After lunch, we both took a leisurely walk, between showers to Chichester Cathedral, which was stunning. I am a deeply spiritual person, if not religious, and have always found comfort in such buildings. The place was rather empty, probably due to the pandemic and the restrictions in place, but it was the perfect venue to while away an hour, contemplating life during such a tragic period and remember those who were close and no longer with us.

It seems the church has also moved with the times; QR codes were dotted across the Cathedral, so we could donate if we wished, at the click of a button on our phone. There were also the usual social distancing measures in place, sanitizer around every corner and cleared spaces for easy access. It made a pleasant change to be away from the city and enjoying some much-needed time in the company of a friend who has always meant so much.

After a walk into the historic city and a browse around the shops, it was time to say goodbye for another month. It is days like this that keeps me going, knowing I have something to look forward to. I am lucky to have such wonderful people in my life and although we don't see each other every day, it is a blessing they are there at the end of a phone, when times get rough. The World may well have changed out of all recognition and people can't be as close as they were, but it is reassuring to know, somethings never change - the friendship we share, the similarities we convey and the memories that hold us together, will always be a part of who we are!

Over the last few months I have been gradually changing my lifestyle for many reasons. As you are all aware, I suffer with chronic IBS and have a number of underlying conditions, that probably make me more susceptible to food sensitivity. These have only been noticeable since I returned to Portsmouth from Spain and probably came to the fore, because of the changes I made to my lifestyle when I returned to the UK.

In Spain, I was an expert at living frugally. It was extremely difficult getting hold of the convenience, processed food readily available here. Of course, you could visit one of the many British supermarkets, stocking such products, but these were expensive and few and far between. It was much easier living in the same way the Spanish do and with money in short supply, I began changing my whole outlook on life.

Rather than buying British food from expensive international food aisles in Dialprix, Consum or Mercadona, I bought seasonal fruit and vegetables from the market in Gran Alacant, or the more affordable grocery stores. I chose to buy meat and other products that were on offer, pairing the ingredients for a nutritious 'cheap' alternative; cooking in bulk and freezing leftovers. This worked well for me, and I was able to live off twenty to thirty euro a week. I had graduated from the wasteful existence I had in Britain, to environmentally friendly sustainability, throwing very little away and learning to live a life more in tune with my Mother and Fathers childhood in the 1950s.

In 2020, I am living my life in similar fashion, but for very different reasons. In Spain, I had very little money to live on, so I had to readjust my lifestyle to take account of a limited income. Today I continue to cook in bulk because of the busy life I lead. Spending one day a week cooking for the next seven days, means I don't have to spend hours in the kitchen each evening, when I should be resting from long shifts at work.

My diet has also changed dramatically, since my Gastro Intestinal issues were diagnosed. I am choosing to follow a predominantly plant based diet; meat can be very difficult to digest, for me for at least, so alternatives have been a Godsend as I have tried to make my diet more IBS friendly and healthy. I have never really looked at this type of food before, let alone actually eat it, so it has been a leap into the unknown, but so far I have been pleasantly surprised by the choice out there.

As well as cooking up large pots of Quorn Stew, I am also trying out the other meat alternatives - this week, sausages, Quorn fillets and meatballs. The sausages are particularly delicious, full of flavour and better than normal sausages; yes you heard that right, I actually prefer eating them. Even the sausage rolls taste better in my humble opinion and most importantly do not have any adverse reactions with my GI issues.

However, there is a downside to all this meat free living and it is the cost. It is still far cheaper to eat animal products; if I am honest I would spend half the money I do on my weekly shop, if I could still happily enjoy it, but the truth is I can't. Eating meat is no longer compatible with my well-being and I have had to make dramatic changes to accommodate conditions that I never really knew I had.

I have discovered many foods that I can still eat - sushi, most fresh vegetables, Brie and Camembert, so at least I can still enjoy some cheese, although I no longer eat any other form of dairy. Also, I can eat most nuts, rice, cereal and my all-time favourite Marmite, which is also great for adding flavour to tofu and Quorn. I have removed all refined sugar, including cakes, chocolate and ice cream from my diet, to my absolute horror. It does seem on the surface at least, that I don't get any enjoyment from food any more and I suppose that is partly true.

All the things I used to enjoy, I can no longer eat; I can't remember the last time I had a piece of extra mature cheddar cheese, a chocolate finger, bottle of wine or tub of Ben and Jerry's, but I have found some friendly substitutes that have helped to ease the cravings. Dairy free desserts and chocolate can be quite appetising and causes me no harm whatsoever. It feels as though my body has started to heal after a lifetime of abuse and eating food that was no good for me at all.

Because of the changes I have made, I have been able to reintroduce some food that I couldn't eat just a few weeks ago. Until recently I have only been able to eat sourdough bread, but today I have reintroduced the normal, bog standard sliced loaf, which is about a third of the price and in my opinion tastes far better. I can also eat some pies and pastries, but not too much, so today I was able to buy a couple of home made pies from Zerina at Cancer Research and have had no adverse reaction; I am starting to live life again.

IBS is evolving all the time; one day I can eat one thing and on other days not, so I have to work my way around the complexities these ailments cause. I have taken my eating habits back to basics and gradually reintroduced a few items that I can now stomach once again, but it really has been hard work getting here. As someone who has always been able to eat what I want, I have found this process very difficult to deal with, but it has taught me much about myself and the nature of my body. It has shown me a way of living I have never experienced before, consequently making me feel far healthier and looking a lot trimmer than I was.

Over the last six months I have lost a stone in weight, I am walking a lot more and I have finally started to get to grips with my health, which does continue to cause me problems every day. I do feel fitter in many respects, but unravelling the pain that has been a constant in my life has been difficult. I have had to scream from the rooftops to see Doctors and Consultants, especially during this pandemic, but finally the results are beginning to show through. Exercise every morning and night is helping to ease the back pain I suffer with every day, and I am finally feeling positive and relieved, that I understand problems that have plagued my life for too long. If I have learned anything from this period, it's simply, I can change, adapt and make my life better. When I put my mind to something I can achieve all I want to. So far I'm half way there and thank God the light in finally at the end of the tunnel, helping to point the way to a more productive, satisfying and fulfilling life, without the mistakes of the past!