It has been a busy week for me, and I am feeling particularly tired. I am currently working a lot of hours and rarely have time to myself. Saving for lots of different things, especially during this cost of living crisis, is proving more challenging than I expected, even with me being in an enviable position. Like all of you, I am feeling the pinch, with my living costs going up daily, and there doesn't seem to be any end in sight. I was using my time here in the UK productively, saving hard for the future but at present the targets I set for myself seem to be slipping away, as I try and keep my head above water. This is not a great period to be alive and like everyone, I am fearful for the future. 

Just yesterday I checked the value of my pensions, as I do from time to time, and was shocked at the collapse in  their value. In a little over four months, my main pension has fallen 20% and all the gains made over the last three years have been lost; now that is scary, especially when I want to retire in four years time. I understand pensions and investments do fluctuate, it's just part of the course, but the figures I am seeing just indicate a continual decline, unlike anything I have ever seen before.

Equally, the various share holdings I own have also dramatically declined and fallen even further than my pensions. With most of my cash tied up in a high interest savings account, I am fortunate not to have invested too big a portion of my money into higher risk financial products. However, the state of the World economy is still a worrying concern for my future, and I am keeping a close eye on all my investments. We are being hammered from all sides; higher taxes and bills, as well as rising inflation that is dangerously out of control. 

My current thinking is to continue putting as much money away as I can, especially with such a bleak outlook moving forwards; that isn't really going to change. My desire to buy a property is of course my overriding ambition, but after taking advice, I am aware that this isn't the right time to do so. As the crisis gets worse, it looks likely, that house prices will crash in the very near future and I want to be able to pick up a bargain when the time is right. Whether we buy here or abroad, I just have no idea, but by the time I reach my 55th Birthday I hope to finally have a home of my own. 

It is important for me to have goals, which I work towards daily. It gives me focus at especially difficult times. As a person, I have always been terrible with money, so this is the first time I've actually made a positive impact on my finances. I am mindful, nevertheless, of the challenging months ahead, and I am extremely concerned at the possible implications of a continued collapse in financial markets. This is the time I should be building for the future, instead I am battling to stay afloat. Darrell and I are far luckier than most, not having to pay bills, but we do have a lot of outgoings to contend with, and they are just getting more and more burdensome daily. Like everyone else, though, there is very little I can do about it.

The last four years have had their high and low points; the lack of personal space does take its toll, especially recently. Spending the majority of my time at work or held up in a single room doesn't do wonders for my mental health, but I am aware that the sacrifices I am making now should pay dividends in the future. On the plus side, my financial astuteness has increased beyond measure. I have saved more money than I ever have done in my life, and my current circumstances have allowed me to build the foundations for success in the future.

Both Darrell and I are also fortunate to have chosen our friends, far more wisely, than we have done in the past. We no longer have the hangers on, the people who just take, borrow and never pay back and more importantly, we no longer suffer fools gladly. I have a very small group of close friends and never trust anyone I don't know well enough. Yesterday, I went out with a small group of work colleagues, and we had a fabulous night; a rare occasion when Darrell and I spent time with others outside our family circle.

My finances have always taken a severe battering because of other people, which is why we have to be so careful these days. No longer easily influenced or afraid to say no, I am happy to have decent people back in my life. I was such a bad judge of character in the past, that I could never see the impending disaster waiting in the wings. The more I desired the company of others, the more money I spent, and all I am left with today is a bag full of regret and some pretty terrible memories to boot. These people are firmly in the past, but their destructive influence still lingers. I do suffer with anxiety and from time to time I do become particularly inward, self reflective and depressed; Something I am aware could be rearing its ugly head once again today.

It appears it's time to batten down the hatches, just like we did during the pandemic. Working extra hard is necessary right now, since none of us really knows what will happen next. There has been so much thrown at us in recent times, that we just have to do our best to survive each oncoming storm. I know, after attending Cognitive Behavioural Therapy in the past, that it is important to deal with each event or trigger as it happens, breaking down difficulties into smaller packages. Rather than panicking over the bigger picture, I am accepting the inevitable and dealing with each element separately, which I hope will see me through.

Each of us have a difficult road to tread at the moment, and I am no different to you. All I can do is help others when I can, donate to foodbanks, make sure I listen to friends who need help, give them a shoulder to cry on and a voice of reason. Yes, we are all suffering, but we must remember those who are worse off than us. Reach out, be available and above all keep fighting, even when the battle seems lost!

I've blogged very little about the Ukraine war in recent days, preferring to concentrate on more positive aspects of my own life. Despite this,  my emotions have been tested over the last week especially, as more and more atrocities are uncovered in Ukraine. Russian forces have been leaving most parts of the country, in order to concentrate on taking over the south, in particular, the Donbass province. The destruction left behind in Northern Ukraine has been harrowing to see, as news coverage details the carnage unleashed on the region. The brutality of Russian forces is as clear as day, for the whole World to see. Russia has gone rogue and no one is sure just how this disaster will end.

As a rule, I am a pacifist, always preferring a negotiated settlement over war. The conflict in Ukraine, however, has made me reevaluate everything I believe in. The stories of innocent victims butchered in their own homes, young girls raped in front of their families and elderly, vulnerable people sheltering in dark basements have shaken me to the core. This war may well be Putin's, but those fighting it in his name, are no better than him. The soldiers are evil in every sense of the word, and I still can't believe the vast majority of the Russian public are supporting this needless charade. If the World does finally return to normal, the citizens of Russia will have to understand the part they played in this genocide and live with the murder of innocents on their hands forever.

Sadly, I have had a few encounters with others, who have criticised my support for Ukraine. Now, you really don't have to be an expert to understand where the aggression is coming from. Ukraine didn't ask for this war, until a couple of months ago, this peaceful nation was carrying on as normal, a modern democracy in the heart of Europe. Today it is on the verge of collapse, bombarded daily, shattered lives littering its war torn streets.

I constantly read about the ongoing war, keeping myself updated on events in Eastern Europe. Nevertheless, I have turned off the news on my television, only watching it when I need to, usually just once a day. For all the horrors unfolding, there is only so much I can take psychologically. As a human being I feel deeply disturbed by what is happening in Europe and my own mental health also remains a concern. I have always been an empathetic individual, feeling other's pain far more than my own, so this tragic war has just highlighted the darkness that overwhelms my thoughts on a daily basis. As cruel as it seems, as guilty as I feel, I just need to switch off from time to time.

I suppose I find it very difficult to comprehend how a whole nation of individuals can turn away from their friends and neighbours in Ukraine and believe the propaganda touted by Russian state media. I am speaking as someone living in a democratic country with a free press, so my understanding of totalitarian regimes is rather limited. In the digital age we live in, one would expect everyone, even in a fascist state like Russia, to have access to balanced, unbiased news, but of course that may not be the case for the majority of the population. People can't or do not want to believe the wickedness committed in their name is wrong. They truly think they are fighting against Nazis, when actually the opposite is true. Russia is the aggressor, the Nazis are Russian and the aggression is coming from one man, President Vladimir Putin.

I have always had a strong belief in the power of people and their ability to overcome any struggle, no matter how bad things get. Even in the most terrible of times, where it is difficult to see past the catastrophe unfolding, the strength, and character of humanity to overcome adversity is heartening. I do have enormous faith in the Russian public, to finally stand up against Putin and the murderers that surround him. With help and support, they can and will topple this dictator, like every other despot before him. It is of course right and just to criticise Russia as a whole for what is unfolding in Ukraine, all of them must take responsibility for what is transpiring. It is also necessary to enlighten and encourage all Russians to rise up and fight against a dictator whose time is up.

I remain hopeful that this war in Ukraine will signal the end of President Putin. It will not happen anytime soon, as the war rages on. The fate of the World remains with Russians and their extraordinary abilities to channel their defensive spirit, in ridding themselves of one of the worst tyrants in modern times. Stand with your Ukrainian Brothers, don't accept what you are told as true; believe in the power of humanity, against oppression, persecution, and the lies of the few!

Whatever television station you watch or newspaper you read, you can't fail to avoid the emerging 'cost of living crisis' unfolding before our very eyes. I can't remember a time when I have been so aware of rising prices, soaring inflation and dramatic hikes in the cost of utility bills. Using the word 'crisis' has been criticised for its dramatic, frightening cogitations, but when one looks at the economic uncertainty across the globe, it is clear this is appropriate for the times we are living though. These are momentous months for many reasons, not just the cost of living, but when looks at the different factors at play in this 'new World order,' it is clear there has been a significant shift, creating the most unstable economic conditions for over forty years or more. These are difficult days for everyone, and we need to understand just how serious this situation is. This isn't something that can be solved quickly, all of us will have to battle to keep our heads above water.

The seeds of this current crisis were sown in 2016, after Britain voted to leave the European Union. No one really expected the UK to remain the economic power house it was after we voted to leave, and if they did, they were seriously deluded. I was someone who envisaged a time of upheaval and hardship, but like most people, I believed it would be a temporary blip, and we would overcome the problems relatively quickly. Brits are a hardy bunch, and we have lived through worse periods in history. With fortitude, faith, and backbone, it wouldn't be too long before we were back on track again.

At the time of the vote, I was living in Spain with Darrell. We lived a relatively frugal existence; with my husband flying back to Australia regularly, I learnt to live on a small budget of 30 Euro a week. Life was hard, but the sun was shining and life was good. I loved my new Spanish home and believed I would remain an expat for many years to come.

Of course nothing lasts forever and in 2018 I moved back to the UK for family reasons, as Darrell continued to commute From Europe to Australia, caring for his Mother after her cancer diagnosis. These were arduous years for us, as we tried to restructure our  life to suit our changing circumstances. Darrell would fly to Britain when he could, and I would travel to Asia once a year; it was an arrangement that worked well until the pandemic crashed head long into all our lives in 2020.

The biggest factor in the current 'cost of living crisis is of course COVID-19. The money spent by Governments all over the World propping up ailing economies throughout the worst of this virus was huge, unlike anything any of us had ever seen. Locking down a country isn't a cheap option. The British Government alone spent hundreds of billions of pounds paying staff to stay at home, as businesses remained closed for months on end. Even I was paid a wage, even though the pub where I worked was closed. At the time it was great, but all that money has to eventually be paid back.

The pandemic still rages on, although as a nation, Britain is learning to live with it. It is unlikely we will ever be locked down again, but we will be living with the consequences of COVID for many years to come. The vast sums spent keeping families afloat, while they languished at home is shocking to contemplate, but the hangover from this strange period is only just beginning today, two years later. After Brexit, no one expected a public health crisis, and the British economy has suffered untold amounts of damage. Through mismanagement, waste of public money and falling tax receipts, it was only a matter of time before we started to feel the pinch; from 1 April that process of 'paying back' began.

They say bad things come in threes, well there is yet another catastrophe looming on the horizon, with war in Europe looking ever more likely! After Brexit and a global pandemic, the World is now on the brink of World War III, as Russia invades Ukraine. Yet another disaster of incalculable magnitude, after a series of bad choices and unforeseen circumstances; conflict is now unfolding on the continent, as the daily news reports, uncompromising rhetoric and threats from Russian President, Vladimir Putin become increasingly worrying and venomous. The death and destruction, economic sanctions and refugee crisis has started to reverberate across the planet; all of us have begun to suffer the knock on effects of the war in Ukraine.

The cost of everything is going up. As the fighting intensifies, oil prices have skyrocketed, causing massive increases in the cost of oil. Gas, electric, and petrol are all significantly higher than they were and people, already feeling strapped for cash, are now feeling the squeeze tightened further. Inflation is creeping up and looks likely to top ten percent by the end of the year. As sure as night follows day, interest rates will undoubtedly rise, causing a drastic increase in mortgages. Food prices are exploding; as someone who shops in a supermarket daily, I am well aware of the increases. The new European war has curtailed the flow of trade between Ukraine and the rest of the World, making resources scarcer. The breadbasket of Europe is no longer exporting wheat, and the rest of us will have to pay sharply more for a loaf of bread and other products once transported from Ukraine.

I am well aware of the cost of the things I buy; I have seen my shopping bill nearly double since the pandemic, and it isn't going to change anytime soon. When the price cap on gas and electric was abandoned yesterday, utility bills rose by 54% immediately. I am luckier than most, because I do not pay bills where I am living, but will contribute more in other ways, helping to alleviate the costs involved. With higher tax and many of the measures introduced during the pandemic coming to an end, ordinary people are feeling the economic pressure. The cost of living crisis is causing the biggest drain on incomes since the 1950s, and none of us are fully aware of the consequences of circumstances, that are compounding the intensity of this dangerous crossroads. Whether or not families survive the next few years very much depends on the different factors at play. The biggest concern for everyone now is the Ukrainian war and just how long it goes on for, affecting all our lives.

For now, Darrell and I are fine. However, we don't have a home to keep and can save money relatively easily. My goals and aspirations still remain on track, with the possibility of early retirement in four years time, funding a new life in Portugal or somewhere a little more conventional. My future plans are very dependent on how well my pension does and my scope to save the maximum amount of money in order to buy a home. I can only rely on my own frugal abilities, rather like I did when I lived in Spain, but ultimately remain at the mercy of events beyond my control. As usual, being the realist I am, I expect the worst but hope for the best; lets pray the World returns to normal soon and all of us can finally breathe a sigh of relief, restarting where we left off in 2019!

Today is a better day than yesterday, but I am still suffering from low mood. On Saturday night, Darrell and I went for a bite to eat, just trying to put our thoughts in a more positive place. It was good to get out and enjoy some much needed 'us' time, but still, at the back of my mind, the growing war in Europe isn't far from my thoughts. I understand just how fed up people must be, as I mention the war for the umpteenth time, but I really just need to hear the words 'everything will be alright.' Unsurprisingly, I don't hear them, because like me, the people I have spoken to, are equally horrified, witnessing this senseless war in Ukraine.

I have stopped watching the news so much now, and I am sticking to only catching up on events in Ukraine once or twice a day. It has done much for my state of mind, and I am not as tense as I was. However, the headlines remain horrific; the human cost of this war is all too clear, and the scenes played out on our television screens are beyond words. Only today, as I watched 'Good Morning Britain,' I heard that the pregnant woman, brought out on a stretcher, after a maternity hospital was bombed in Mariupol, had died from her injuries, along with her unborn child. This was another stomach churning and tearful event that shook me to the core. I can not understand why this is being allowed to happen in 2022.

As one would expect, I have been more than vocal in my views online, and in my opinion, rightly so. It is up to you and I to speak up for people who have no voice right now, and I am in no mood for listening to the so-called Russian side of the story. There is absolutely no reason for this war, and anyone trying to justify this attack needs to give themselves a shake. Innocent people are dying, the cultural and historical heritage of this beautiful country are being obliterated, because of one mad man's quest to invade his neighbour. I have had row upon row with people about their warped sense of reality, as a sovereign nation is systematically wiped from the map of Europe, without a thought for the mounting lives lost. Evil does exist and is thriving in The Kremlin; it is up to us to stand up and be counted.

Russia has banned many social media platforms in the country, and it has become increasingly difficult getting a message of hope across to the Russian people. Many Russians I had been in contact with are no longer online, and that is a shame. Putin's regime has begun the process of retreating behind a new 'Iron curtain' and returning to its rogue status of old. I can vaguely recollect being taught about the old Cold War in school, beginning with that inimitable quote from Churchill, after World War II in March 1946; 'From Stettin in the Baltic to Trieste in the Adriatic, an Iron Curtain has descended across the continent.' Remembering the dark days of the Cold War, I am mindful of the literature sent through the post, documenting what we should do in the event of a nuclear war. I recall the separation of families in East and West Berlin and the eventual fall of the Berlin Wall in 1989, the pivotal event that finally saw the beginning of the end of Communism. Never did I think we would be here again, at this juncture, closer to World War III than we ever have been before.

The World is once again a more dangerous place than it was just a few weeks ago, and President Putin shows no sign of stopping his rampage across Ukraine. Peace talks are ongoing, and there have been some more positive noises coming from the negotiations, but the reality is, we are all in for a particularly torrid, tense and unpredictable time; the World has changed dramatically overnight and none of us know how this will end. I can't stop thinking about those poor souls who have lost their lives and the millions of others hiding in shelters under war torn streets. I want to end this entry today by expressing my hope for the future, but in reality I can't. A realist first, I believe this war has a long way to run, involving many more lives sent hurtling into the theatre of war.

This is another blog entry, I have been in two minds about writing, mainly because of the way I am feeling, after the Russian invasion of Ukraine. I am from a generation who understands just how bad the last Cold War was and, consequently, just how close to World War III we have come in the past.

Last Sunday I spoke to my Father on the telephone; during our weekly chat the both of us generally talk about politics, so this week has been no exception. I explained my concerns to Dad, who, at fourteen years old, was able to remember the Cuban Missile Crisis in 1962. After thinking for a moment, he explained, in that 'Dad voice' I remember from childhood, that everything would be alright and told me I shouldn't worry. According to my Father, the nuclear deterrent would stop both sides from annihilating each other in a third World war, and he had faith negotiations would prevail.  As for me, well, I'm not so sure!

The two photographs above illustrates just how little we have learnt from nearly eighty years of peace. The top picture, shows a Father waving goodbye to his child, as he stays behind in Kyiv to fight the Russian invaders in 2022. Below, an American soldier, similarly waves farewell to his infant son, as he leaves for Europe to fight during the Second World War; photographs taken eight decades apart, but in very similar circumstances. Why the hell are we still fighting wars? Putin is no different to Hitler. The situation today is so similar it is uncanny; an autocratic leader invades his neighbour to protect his citizens. Ring any bells? History is indeed repeating itself!

As a natural worrier, I have never been so anxious, as I have been this past week. I have been making my voice heard on social media, and many friends and colleagues have been less than impressed. Preferring to block out what is happening in Ukraine, they have deleted me from their Facebook. In truth, I couldn't care less, if I have an opinion, I will voice it. I am so upset by the extreme scenes of suffering in Ukraine, that I feel I have to speak up, as all of us should. If people want to bury their head in the sand, then so be it, I am just not one of them.

Of course, I am also afraid of the future. Putin has already threatened to use nuclear weapons, and all of us should be aware of what could happen, just as we were during the Cold War. With the war not going to plan in Ukraine, I can see a situation when President Putin's anger supersedes rational judgement, and he does consider pressing the button. He is totally unhinged at the moment, according to most sources I have read, and this makes him a danger to the World. There is nothing I can personally do about this crisis, so with no control, I am feeling backed into a corner and, like everyone else, just waiting to see what happens next; these are indeed anxious days. Some of us show it more than others, and I feel it difficult to function normally under these extreme circumstances. I remember during the Falklands War in the early 1980s, I felt exactly the same and was never able to handle the fear I felt every day. I am a peacemaker, not a warmonger, it conflicts with my sense of wellbeing.

The horrific scenes in Ukraine have been heart-wrenching and disturbing. I am not a person who often cries, but I really have shed tears over the last week. The Russians have intensified their attack on the people of Ukraine and the human cost is mounting. People are dying unnecessarily, in a war they don't understand. None of us are clear as to why there is fighting. This is Putin's war, not Russia's or the Russian peoples.

Listening to the despair, as refugees reach the Polish, Moldovan and other borders in the West, it is clear just how much damage this illegal war is causing. Structurally, homes, businesses, hospitals, and infrastructure has been destroyed at an alarming rate. Yesterday even a nuclear power Station, the largest in Europe, was attacked, in a senseless, dangerous act, by Russian forces. So far, a million and a half people have left Ukraine with just a single bag. Old, vulnerable, young children, Mothers, and their family pets are crossing into other countries, trying to shelter from the war further East. As a result, the humanitarian crisis is getting worse and all of us have to do what we can to help.

At work, we have been collecting essential items for a local school to be sent out to the victims of this disaster. We are always a great bunch of people during testing times, as we were during the pandemic, and everyone is pulling together to collect and donate items to the poor people of Ukraine. Items are being stored at the Customer Service desk where I work, and it has been emotional seeing just how much people care. Spending up to a hundred pounds per person, colleagues are rising to the challenge and doing what good people do. None of us understand why Ukraine is being attacked, least of all civilians, indiscriminately bombed by an aggressive, advancing Russian force. I pray this ends soon, before this conflict spirals completely out of control.

With the World once again in turmoil, it was wonderful to see an old friend this week. Stephen was spending a few days in the South, after his Mother sadly passed away. I have known Ste for nearly thirty years, and he was one of the last people I saw before I left for Spain in 2018, which is actually the last time I saw him. Like me, he is extremely politically motivated and as well as catching up, we also discussed the state of the World. It does help to chat with other people, at least it does for me, because it allows me to get feelings and emotions off my chest.

Having been in the RAF, Stephen was able to reassure me, rather like my Father did, but like me, is aghast at just what is happening in Ukraine. None of us have had it good over the last few years and Ste has suffered more than most, but neither of us could have predicted the events of today, following the worst pandemic in over a hundred years. I think like most people, we just feel tired and exhausted of the constant difficulties, pressure, and chaos that feels all consuming at the moment. The fact I saw an old friendly face, does at least pull me back to reality for a bit and make me realise just what is important. The World may well be in a mess, but at least I have some uniquely special people around me, reassuring me, how great life can be. Friendships make the journey so much easier, and just as we have done so many times before, create a conduit for conversation, that our leaders could learn from themselves.

Whatever happens next, it is encouraging to know we are all in this together. The dark thoughts I have and not specific to me, they are a broader acknowledgement of the failure of leadership and the beginning of a new chapter in life, that is likely to be bumpier than before. With the support of all those around us, we will survive the oncoming pain, concentrating our efforts on the people who need it, remaining steadfast, resolute and sane.