Today, the Governments new 'rule of six' has been introduced across the nation. No more than six people are allowed to meet together, as the number of UK Coronavirus cases rise to more than three thousand a day. It is clear we are heading towards a second COVID wave and the coming weeks will determine the course of this deadly virus. Whether the public take notice of this new directive, only time will tell, but I don't have high hopes. Walking around the streets of Portsmouth over the last few days, just before 'the rule of six' came into force, I was shocked by the number of people in the streets, partying, as if nothing was going on!

Like most people, I am confused by everything that has been implemented thus far. I have no idea if we should still be following the 'bubble' strategy that was introduced months ago, allowing households to socialise with other single people, or if we can still meet in groups outside in an open space, following social distancing rules. The truth is, I no longer understand what is going on. I am so bewildered by this whole fiasco, that I am no longer following any of the laws introduced by this Government and that's not for want of trying. It's not that I set out to break the rules, but rather, I find it impossible to decipher them sufficiently.

At the height of the Coronavirus pandemic, the Government reported information daily. All of us were able to listen to Ministers explain the situation and tried to follow what we were being told to do. Despite my misgivings, I did my best to conform to the new normal and applied the edicts to my life as well as I could. Don't get me wrong I still felt muddled at the chaotic advice, but at least I was given enough information to make an informed decision about what I should do.

Today there are no scheduled daily briefings and the information we have is confusing and lacking detail. There are so many rules and regulations at play now, that I have lost the will to live. If I am disoriented, then God knows how the rest of you feel. I have always taken and interest in politics and current affairs and watch the news several times a day, so for someone, who shows no interest in international events, there must be even more exasperation. I find myself shrugging and throwing my hands in the air, irritated and aggravated, more often now than ever, and I am not the only one.

Whoever I talk to, I am struck by the lack of understanding on the pandemic guidelines, designed to make us all safe. I was given different answers and interpretations of processes that should have been easy to understand. How can this Government expect us to toe the line, when Ministers interviewed on television don't understand the implications themselves. This is a Government that picks and choses their own directives to follow, yet expects us to do as we are told,  without question. If I understood just what was expected of me, then I would have no issue, but I don't and am sick of the empty platitudes, patronising campaigns and lack of clarity. This is a Government that has failed and doesn't deserve our support; I feel ashamed to call myself British!

I will continue doing what I always do; I will limit contact with friends and family, as I have always done, wear a mask in public places and keep two meters away from others. I do not comprehend the concept of 'bubbles' or 'the rule of six' so have dismissed their relevance in my life. All I do is work, eat and sleep, I don't socialise or have close apposition with anyone and that will remain. My life has become dull and boring, without laughter and joy and that makes me sad, but without my husband home with me, that will always be the case; I am really just going through the motions, staying safe and waiting for the end of this terrible time in my life. My advice to all of you, is do what you think is best. You all understand the risks and the need to wash hands and socially distance, you don't need an inept Government telling you accordingly. When all this is over, look back at your response and feel proud of your efforts, unlike Boris and his motley crew of bandits who lost the plot months ago!

Yesterday I overheard a conversation between two men, discussing the 'sunflower lanyard' scheme. People with hidden disabilities can wear one around their neck, when out and about, alerting others around them about a hidden disability they may have. For someone who works in a shop like me, it is invaluable. It communicates a message, telling me that someone may need some extra help when shopping, or indicating they are exempt from wearing a mask while walking through a public space.

I have spoken to many customers and friends alike, who have experienced abuse and attacks from others during this pandemic, for not covering their faces. These may include people who suffer with COPD or a young adult who suffers from a panic disorder, where a face covering could cause lasting damage and harm. These are the people who are targeted for not following Government guidelines, shouted and screamed at by others who do not understand their 'hidden disability' and targeted for their vulnerability.

Supermarkets like Tesco offer free 'sunflower lanyards' to shoppers who genuinely can't adorn a mask, allowing them the ability to shop in relative peace and comfort, knowing they won't be confronted by an irate bystander, who doesn't understand their plight. I am a true champion of this innovate project and am thankful it exists at a time when we really need it. Vulnerable adults and children need to be protected now, more than ever, this simple strategy goes a long way to ensure this happens.

After listening to this one-sided conversation for a few minutes, calling those who wear lanyards 'fakers' and not truly having a  disability at all, I'm afraid I lost it, telling him exactly what I thought of him, producing a lanyard from my own pocket. This thoroughly unpleasant man, someone who I have had to listen to in the past, frequently, seemed a little rattled by my intervention and soon left.

I make no apologies for standing up for all those who suffer with a hidden disability, it disgusts me that someone would even dare to challenge vulnerable individuals who owe people like him no explanation, as to why they aren't wearing a mask. Sometimes you just have to stand up for what is right, no matter what the consequences. What's more, this grotesque individual was shouting at the top of his booming voice, in close proximity of others, without wearing a face covering himself. He would turn round and say it didn't have to wear one because of where he was, rather like those he was lambasting publicly, due to their exemption; hypocrisy at its worst.

If you do have a reason for not wearing a mask, please go to participating outlets, like Tesco, where you will be given a lanyard to help you during your future shopping trips. If you are ever confronted or aggressed, report the incident and above all don't take the abuse thrown at you, bullying is wrong under all circumstances and no one has the right to challenge you for protecting your health!

I've had a pretty unremarkable week if I am honest, just plenty of working on the agenda. Since the easing of lockdown restrictions, I have become busier than ever, doing as much overtime as possible. Saving money rather than spending it is a rather alien concept for me, but nevertheless I have been doing just that, tirelessly, and have built up quite a nest egg for the future. Today I actually have more money than I have ever had and am finally looking forward to a rosy future. Equally, Darrell is saving hard in Australia and by the time this dreadful pandemic has passed, we should have enough money to finally settle down in the country of our choice..

Darrell travelled home to Kalgoorlie this week, a gold mining town in the Western Australian outback.  Once a year, he is given a free ticket to travel anywhere in the state for a holiday, offering a welcome break away from the pressure he is under every day. Travelling to see his old school friend Tina, he was able to walk a path he hasn't walked for many years, remembering his childhood in a town that he has had a rather difficult relationship with.

Kalgoorlie is a small town, deep in the Australian desert, with a big attitude. Rather like small town America, Kalgoorlie has its fair share of extreme views, conservative values and right wing attitudes, from a bygone era that most of us are glad to see the back of. Darrell used to tell me about his feelings growing up gay in this provincial back-water, where men were men and women knew their place. In truth, he didn't paint a very nice picture of the place, constantly referring to it as a dust bowl, homophobic and racist. This is the place where he grew up however and in the same way I still hold my childhood home of Fareham with affection, I could tell in his voice, he was happy to see it once again.

Speaking to Darrell on the phone it was clear he enjoyed his trip away. Seeing the changing scenery as the train travelled through open farm land and bush, relaxing on the six-hour journey was refreshing after the year he has had.

Staycations both in the UK and Australia are 'all the rage,' as a television commentator referred to it on 'Good Morning Britain' this morning. All of us are trying to make the most of worldwide lockdown conditions in this COVID era, so staying at home is part of the 'new normal,' the order of the day. This arduous chapter has given Darrell the opportunity to travel back to a distinct time in his life, one that wasn't always happy or memorable. Like me, his childhood wasn't easy, but it made us both who we are and sometimes it helps to retrace one's steps along a road that essentially began our journey together. When I am able, I will also go to Australia and see the town where Darrell spent his childhood, until then I have been happy to see the photographs along with all of you.

Both of us returned home to our respective countries for the same reasons, to be with our families at a traumatic time. With my Mother sadly departed, I am no longer needed here; ideally I would like to fly to Australia to be with my husband and Mother, but with the World in so much turmoil, that is impossible, and I am making the best of my situation. Luckily I am staying with a loving Aunt and family, who have done everything to support me through these last couple of years. Despite everything, I do at least have the satisfaction of getting to know my extended family once again. All of us are where we are for a reason and it is clear, I am supposed to be here at this point in my life. This is a period I will remember for all eternity, a special phase, that I will never forget, this is a time I grew stronger as a person and finally realised where my heart belongs, with the person I fell in love with twenty-five years ago!

Contact with Darrell is more important now than ever. He is feeling particularly alone and has very little contact with friends and family here in the UK. He has removed himself from most social media platforms and despite efforts to remain connected with loved ones in Britain, he has been unable to stay as close to people as he would like. I use facebook to keep in contact with many individuals I would otherwise have lost touch with, and without it, I would find it almost impossible to do so, so I can understand why Darrell is finding it hard.

Both of us are starting to make plans for the future, after COVID, but without an endless supply of money, we have to be mindful of our situation. Darrell and I have little or no disposable income, and we save every spare penny we have for our future. It is important we stay focused on our goal of finally having a permanent roof over our heads and do everything we can to achieve that. Buying a home in the UK is completely out of  reach, so it is likely we will once again move abroad and invest in a country that we both love and want to settle in - Spain and Croatia are top of our list, countries we both feel happy in.

As my low moods have increased, I continue to do the things I enjoy most, which does help to get through the worst days. Volunteering has become a cure for my darkest moments. I work with a group of like-minded individuals, who enjoy campaigning for Cancer Research. Unlike most conventional jobs, all of us are happy to be grafting for our chosen charity. The sense of enthusiasm and togetherness shows in our hard work, determination and most importantly, our sense of fun. Monday is the most important day of the week for me, always filled with laughter, optimism and pragmatic energy. My levels of anxiety are reduced significantly and  sense of well-being improved from spending just a short few hours with friends, in a setting that never fails to let me down.

I was also fortunate to have a cup of tea and socially distanced chat with Mrs F, a lady I have tried to take under my wing and look out for, especially during this pandemic. She has very little contact with family, like me, so I like to offer a sympathetic ear, when she needs to talk about the difficulties she faces on a daily basis. Sometimes it feels good to listen to others problems, it puts ones own issues into perspective. Mrs F is a fighter who remains stoical, even in the most extreme circumstances, and she is an inspiration to me. If each and every one of us could spend just a little time with someone like Mrs F, all our lives would be richer and better for it.

Any activity that helps me forget my own problems is welcome. Distractions from the constant pain of IBS, numerous ailments and family difficulties is an important part of my week. Channelling energy into constructive, unequivocal pursuits is really helping me deal with the negativity and thought-provoking moments that just tend to linger. These are such challenging times that I fear I will never overcome my current state of mind. I am thankful for the friends and family I have and hope that it won't be too long before I can finally be happy and content again. Persevering, learning to cope with adverse times and remaining grounded, assured, balanced and rational are the words and phrases I use, to remind myself that nothing lasts forever, especially not today!

It's been yet another difficult week for me, not unlike the last  if I am entirely honest. I do tend to dwell on things and I just haven't been able to shake negative thoughts from my mind. I have suffered with depression for most of my life and for the most part have had to learn to deal with it myself. When I look back at the darkest points, the most difficult, challenging times, I am reminded of the connection they all share, namely the people, and the influences they exerted over my sense of well-being, in a negative or positive way!

Last week I was reminded of just how nasty people can be and that continues to remain a source of angst. I have done all I can to rebuild bridges and become a better person, especially after the death of my Mother last October. I thought I had reached a 'happy' point in my life and was feeling a little more content with my situation, even with my husband being trapped on the other side of the World, during the middle of a pandemic, but it seems, I was wrong. My feelings and emotions have taken a back seat over the last year, because other people have needed the support and encouragement to rebuild and rethink their lives. I have been patient and happy to give my time, to ensure a more agreeable consensus is achieved and I believed we had reached a happy medium, but that wasn't the case.  I feel totally flat and deflated and am worried I may be heading towards a place I don't want to go.

I have learnt much about depression over the years; in the past I had a profusion of pills I could use to help get me through the day, antidepressants to take the edge off the way I was feeling or therapy to support me, as I worked through the stresses of life. Today however, I am relying on my willpower, determination and mindset to help get me through, what is becoming a tough and beguiling time. I really do not want to go down the medication route as it just masks the problems I have, leaving them as real as ever, only simmering on the back burner until a later date. I haven't  had to face my demons without a little medical help before, but it is something I need to do now.

Speaking to a friend yesterday, they were concerned I wasn't my usual self and the truth is, I'm not. I feel so let down on many fronts; it is taking a toll on my personality; I have become insular and aloof from the people I need most and that isn't a good sign for me. Nevertheless, it is all I have to deal with the hurt I am feeling and I will continue to do what I believe is right. I have given all my life and never received anything in return. I am withdrawing an important part of who I am, because of what someone has once again done to me. Having been brought down to a level I am not comfortable with I am trying to work out what to do for the best. Life is one big struggle, which seems to have got harder and I just don't want to deal with it; I don't have the fight in me to confront or agonise over circumstances that were not of my making.

All I can do today is escape from the dejection and sadness that I feel and deal with the aftermath at a later date. I am throwing all my energy into work, doing as much overtime as possible and looking for other creative outlets for my writing, so I can continue to express myself in a positive way, on a platform away from this blog. This is a personal forum to showcase my emotions as honestly as I can, but sometimes honesty with oneself isn't the way to overcome tempestuous upset, it just allows me to indulge in a sea of self-pity, selfishness and defeatism. As my mood changes, so does my writing and throughout the last five years of this blog, I have encountered many ups and downs, this is yet another bump in the road, that will play out in front of a readership who hopefully understands the difficulties I face.

I am currently watching Schitt's Creek on Netflix, a hilarious take on failure and loss of wealth and the challenges faced by a family left impoverished, having to pick up the pieces of a broken life. We have all done that from time to time, it is a reminder that life doesn't always run smoothly and although only a television programme, it has offered me an escape at a stressful time. Watching TV, writing, working and social media has given me a channel to relieve the pressure I feel under currently. Speaking to Darrell in Australia is also a welcome break from the tension and trepidation I feel constantly and I hope it will continue to get me through the  dark days.

None of us are finding life easy during this pandemic. In the past, if I had felt the way I do today, I would have just taken off for a few days away or gone to see friends, things none of us can do presently. I am not used to coping with situations beyond my control and will just have to muddle through somehow. Looking out for number one, concentrating on myself for a bit and doing what I want, rather than what people expect of me should help in the short term. Eventually I will come to terms with my retrogressions and past mistakes, of that I have no doubt. Today I want to stay focused and determined to build a future for Darrell and I and finally accept that I will never be the person others want me to be, then and only then will I have made it, comfortable with the person I am and happy to smile again!

It's been another difficult week in the post COVID World.  Like the Government, I haven't written much about the pandemic recently, as life is beginning to get back to a relative sense of normality; not quite as it used to be, but as near as damn it.  Listening to the news earlier, it is clear that the number of reported cases of Coronavirus is once again on the rise here in the UK and it looks like we could be in for another difficult few months. The news is also full of stories about the inaccurate reporting of COVID deaths; deaths being recorded as Coronavirus when in fact they weren't. This once again highlights the Governments' ineptitude during this pandemic and is giving people yet another excuse not to follow the rules.... Whatever the rules are!

I've just been speaking to my Aunt about this very subject, and she also agrees that the Government rules and regulations in place to combat COVID-19 are now so obscure that none of us really know what they are. Our advice is to do what we think is best, socially distance, wear masks in public spaces and protect our families as much as possible. I still remain very nervous about any relaxation on my part; I don't want to put anyone else at risk. However, the time is coming when I will have to reconnect with family and friends.

I managed to speak to Darrell from Australia on the phone earlier, who is also annoyed about the lack of social distancing. It looks like Australia and New Zealand are experiencing a second wave of COVID cases and States and cities on the Australasian continent are deciding what they should do to protect their citizens. The Eastern States remain locked down, but luckily Darrell remains relatively safe in Western Australia, with cases few and far between.

I have spent the last week contacting our MP and trying to discover Darrell's legal status, in the event of not being able to return to the UK because of Coronavirus restrictions. Darrell is only allowed out of the UK for a certain period of time, before he has to legally return, but with all the Australian borders closed, we are still not sure if he will get back to Britain in time. After several emails I have still not had a reply from the Home Office or from our MP. I am hoping it won't be too much longer before I hear from them. These are unprecedented times but the levers of Government have to continue, I just hope they try a little harder than they have been up to now. Both of us need to know where we stand!

Darrell and I haven't felt this insecure for a long time, probably since we both got together twenty-five years ago. Our relationship is once again up in the air as we try and find a way through the terrible circumstances we find ourselves in. Ideally we would prefer to be together now. Darrell's Mother is well enough at the moment to be left on her own, but Darrell no longer has the option of leaving Australia. Like him, I hate having my fate decided by others, to have it determined by a pandemic is extremely stressful and not what we ever imagined.

My anxiety levels are sky-high presently as you would expect, which really isn't helping with my IBS symptoms. No amount of medication seems to be working, and I am suffering more now than ever. Luckily I am able to concentrate on work and my family in the UK, which does take my mind off things somewhat, but like all of us, I do have my down days. This week I have had quite a few of those and have been feeling particularly worn down. The normal placid me, has become a no nonsense, take it or leave it kind of guy, who has literally run out of patience. I have lost my temper too many times recently and I just hope this bumpy ride ends soon, so Darrell and I can finally breathe a sigh of relief and get on with the rest of our life together.

On the 22 September 2020 Darrell and I will celebrate our 25th Anniversary, a milestone, we could not have anticipated, a quarter of a century ago. Of course this won't be a celebration like any other we have known, and we will not be able to spend the day together. Australia's borders are currently closed and Darrell will not be able to fly to the UK as we had first planned. Our twenty-five years together will begin with our forced separation, in a World very different from the one we have known.

Darrell and I met each other at a time of upheaval for the gay community. Neither of us had any rights to stay together and for the next six years we fought hard to remain in the UK as partners. I have written much about the challenges we have faced as a gay couple from different corners of the World. It is important to acknowledge the role our families, friends, relatives, officials and Members of Parliament have played, in our quest to help change and adapt  our precarious situation, into the unrestrained, free status we enjoy today. The heartache and pain we suffered in the later part of the twentieth century made us the fighters we are. Nothing phased us and no obstacle was too big to climb, even in the face of deportation from the country we both called home.

The Coronavirus has kept us apart, when the political system couldn't. This period in our history as a couple, indeed the history of the World, has become a barrier to our life as a couple and created difficulties we are unable to overcome currently. Living without the person you love, because of factors beyond your control, is the most frustrating, exasperating experience of my life. Our current circumstances aren't easily circumvented, our well-being is in the hands of an unseen foe and there is absolutely nothing we can do to change that. Worldwide panic has pressed pause on our relationship and that is hard to accept.

We will not be able to spend our 25th Anniversary together this year, but we have the memory of our time together and our Marriage in 2015 to help overcome the pain of severance. When we look back at 2020, we will see this as just another setback in a sea of many. No one could have foreseen the events we are all living through; this should be an opportunity to grow and cultivate new memories to share, as we spend the next twenty-five years together, in the post COVID World!