The 'Rule of Six' returned this week, after a four-month break. The UK has started to relax the strict lockdown we have been living through and on 29th March, we were finally allowed to meet a select number of friends and family outside. This has given me a sense of optimism, during one of the most testing periods in all our lives. Even I decided to bite the bullet and arrange to go for a walk with a friend and colleague from work Karl; highly unusual for me, as I have kept very much to myself during this pandemic. However, with one vaccine jab under my belt, I felt confident enough to enjoy the company of another outside, in the beautiful spring sunshine.

The weather was glorious on Monday and although there was a slight breeze along the coast, it was perfect for a leisurely walk along the promenade. As it happens Karl and I walked over seven miles, enjoying our new-found freedom.

Walking Karl's two beautiful dogs, we spent three hours getting out and about. I haven't been able to chat so much with someone in a log time; talking about our respective lives, it felt great to communicate at a human level again. With both of us partnered, we were able to talk about an aspect of life we both have in common. Darrell is of course ten thousand miles away in Australia, so it was refreshing to speak with someone who understands the trials and tribulations of being in a relationship. I miss being close to my husband, and Karl has reinforced my determination to fight even harder to get Darrell and I back to the way we were.

I have a lot planned for the weeks ahead, arranging to spend time with my best friend Ramona on April 18th and planning my own 50th Birthday on the 9th May. Darrell is also looking forward to returning to the UK, when pandemic restrictions allow. His first vaccination is due on 15th April, although Australia remains extremely behind with their inoculation programme. However, we still hope he will be fully protected when he is due to travel in November.  Both of us are also continuing to save hard for the future. Neither of us have spent any money nor travelled anywhere over the last year, so we should have enough funds to buy our own home when he returns. Like most things in our life, it will not be a conventional choice of property, as we set our sites on a number of different options, from a motorhome, getaway abroad or holiday home in the UK. Whatever we choose, we want it to fit around our lifestyle, so a standard house, will probably not suit our needs.

As I walked around Portsmouth on Monday, I was struck by how familiar this city has become. I like being able to walk from one side to the other with relative ease and most importantly, I enjoy living near a beach, being able to enjoy the sea air and get away from the hustle and bustle of the city. When Darrell returns towards the end of the year, this would be the ideal base for us, even if we decide to continue with our travels around the World.

The pandemic has shown me just how important my relationship is, and it has made me cherish my time with Darrell more and more, appreciating what we have, even if we are separated by circumstances. As we gradually work our way out of lockdown, re-entering the real world once again, it is clear, life will never be the same, but this offers us opportunities for the future and promotes a return to values, both Darrell and I had forgotten; this is indeed the beginning of something new!

I have another week off work, once again taken during lockdown, beginning on the day children finally went back to school, and we were allowed to meet a single person outside for a walk. Yup that's how bad things had got; all of us supposedly locked down in our homes for the duration of the second wave of the pandemic.

This morning I had another early appointment at the Guildhall Square Test Centre, where I had a third Coronavirus lateral flow test. I have got used to the procedure now and was in and out within five minutes. I will be having a test twice a week, until this pandemic is finally over, mainly to make sure others are safe. The test centre was busier than usual, and it was good to see so many people taking advantage of this facility, at a time when all of us should stay safe.

With the sun out, I took advantage of the great weather, apart from the biting cold that is, and walked down to the sea front, a short distance away.  It was a very quick walk for me today, just five miles; I have been suffering a lot from foot pain, so didn't want to overdo it. Nevertheless, it was long enough to make me feel energised and alive. It is rather sad that I only seem to find time to walk when I am not working these days, but I guess that's the nature of work and I have to make sure I find a more beneficial work/life balance.

I was going to make my way to Portsmouth Cathedral, but with the promenade closed for building work, I took a short walk to Castle Field, where I enjoyed the sea air, surprisingly calm water and dry conditions. For once there was no rain, and it was just nice to get out and go somewhere different. From the Castle, I walked up to the bandstand, where I noticed a memorial to a young lad who had obviously passed away, a story I have yet to discover, but important to those who commemorated his loss. Interestingly, there are many such commemorative sites across Portsmouth, each, lovingly placed to remember the loss of someone close.

I have a busy week ahead, which always happens during holidays. With a new bed being delivered this week, I have a lot of sorting out to do. However, I do want to get out and do some more walking this week, without pushing my bad foot too hard. During the first and second lockdown, I was able to explore Portsmouth in its entirety, so today I can take a more leisurely look at this great city. With all the kids back at school, it was a nice, less fraught trek this morning; there were very few people about, and it is certainly something I need to do more of in the future. I have put on 6 kg since Christmas and have been feeling rather bloated, probably due to IBS as well, so it's time to pick up the exercise bug where I left off, and do something about this fifty-year-old body, that looks every inch its age.

I've had three days off work with plenty of things to do, but have actually done very little if I am honest. I started watching the five part Channel 4 drama 'It's a Sin' on Friday, and it has kind of taken over my thoughts. On Saturday, I did manage to get out and go for a seven-mile walk, but even then, I just couldn't stop thinking about this programme. Walking around Portsmouth, I felt lucky to be alive, enjoying the sea air, beautiful scenery and timeless coastline, that I have visited many times before. Nevertheless, as I sat on South Parade Pier, looking out across the water, I remembered a time, not so long ago, when my life wasn't so simple, a period not unlike today, full of fear and anxiety.

'It's a Sin' took me back to the 1980s, growing up gay during the AIDS epidemic and at a time of great social change, trying to discover who I really was, surrounded by hate, disapproval and trepidation. When I look back to my teenage years, I am reminded of the pain and difficulties I went through, trying to 'come out' in a World that just didn't care. There was no understanding or acceptance from those I regarded as close, because they never knew I was gay. There was no shoulder to cry on, when my feelings for someone else, weren't reciprocated, because they didn't see me as I really was. Above all there was no support when I needed it most, because I wasn't allowed to ask the right questions, seek the correct answers, or talk to somebody, anybody who could help me figure out the feelings I wrestled with every day. I was alone, unhappy, frightened and scared, during a period when gay men were hidden from society, afraid to admit their sexuality.

Towards the end of the 1980s I was fully aware 'people like me' were falling ill, dying alone, rejected by family and friends and unable to be close to partners. Thrown to the sidelines, by bitter, vindictive parents, who only saw them as the catalyst for their sons 'perverted' lifestyle, they were left to pick up the pieces, often without recognition of a lifetime spent with the person they loved. This was an undemonstrative time, where most people only thought about themselves, greed was the religion of the day and gay men like me were left abandoned and alone, by the very people who should have been there for us; this was the saddest time of my life!

During the early 1980s, I was just a small child, trying to find my feet and had no understanding of the AIDS epidemic beginning to sweep the World. It is still a shock to me now, that gay men refused to accept this virus could kill them, and it was all made up in the minds of those at the top, to stop them having sex with each other. The links to the COVID pandemic today are stark and clear. Coronavirus deniers, like those who rejected the existence of AIDS, are as vocal today as they ever were. In the 1980s HIV/AIDS was an imaginary illness, propagated to eradicate homosexuality. Here in 2021, COVID is a hoax and a ploy to control the masses. For those of us who lived through the worst of the AIDS crisis, this is a repeat of the same idiocy, indistinguishable stupidity and identical misrepresentation touted forty years ago, a dangerous repudiation of the facts in the face of disaster. We are indeed repeating the mistakes of the past.

Although I enjoyed watching 'It's a Sin' over the last few days, I have been left feeling rather melancholy and downhearted. This series was poignant, moving, wonderfully acted and full of memories from my past. However, it was also extremely painful to watch, triggering some significantly upsetting and uncomfortable evocations, I thought I had laid to rest years ago. It is clear that no matter how traumatic the 1980s were, they will never leave my consciousness. The pandemic we are living through today, will equally remain a tragic reminder of, the mistakes made by people who understood  nothing from history and the failings we never seem to redress. Once again a generation will pay for the miscalculations of the few and the irresponsibility of the ignorant!

Here we are in lockdown once again and with the sun out, I decided to go on a 'lockdown walk,' just as I did, day after day, back in May and June. This time however, the weather is decidedly colder and more people are staying in doors; a perfect breeding ground for the virus. Getting outside, breathing in the sea air and enjoying a two-hour coastal walk is just what the Doctor ordered.

Recently my blood pressure has been on the rise. Yesterday morning it had reached a high of 134/90; it hasn't been that high since I lived in Spain and if I am honest, I was a little concerned. Lately I have also been experiencing heart arrhythmias and dizzy spells, two subjects I will be bringing to the attention of my Doctor when I speak to her on Monday.

I hadn't planned to go walking at all today, but because I have been feeling so debilitated lately, I thought it was best. When I got home, my blood pressure was at a stable 117/82, more than perfect for someone of my age. My health and well-being has been giving me greater cause for concern recently; I have become  far more aware of my own issues, which are vast and varied. As someone on the cusp of reaching fifty years old, I am mindful of the challenges ahead, but I am determined to get to grips with them now, while I am still able to.

When I started walking seriously, at the beginning of the pandemic, after being furloughed from the Newcome and reducing my hours elsewhere, I quickly noticed a change in my general health. I felt more content and happy within myself, quickly losing weight and feeling more alive. Walking was helping me both physically and mentally and for the first time in my life, I was enjoying something, I had spent a lifetime avoiding. As we enter a second  curfew, I hope to follow the same itinerary I started all those months ago.

I walked a route I had travelled many times before in Portsmouth and once again enjoyed the chance to get out, on my own, away from the pressures of life. It was perfect, spending a few hours thinking, reflecting and reconnecting with myself, nature and the city where I live. This pandemic has caused so much pain and heartache across the World, but I am trying to use its destructiveness positively, in order to improve my life. Only time will tell if I am successful in reaching my goals of sustained weight loss and importantly an improvement in my attitude to circumstances beyond my control. I hope this will be an activity to take with me into the new World, when the virus is gone and life returns to normal... Here's hoping anyway!

Yesterday all of us working at The Newcome Arms said farewell to our customers, as we closed the doors for the last time before Britain once again locked down. I have now been furloughed along with many others, until the Government tell us we can open again. Despite being sad at not being able to see regular customers and colleagues, I am grateful to be away from the impending second wave that is now gripping the country. With five hundred people dying yesterday alone, I am well aware of the dangers of this virus. It seems we could be in for a worse ride than we had before. I will of course still be working else where, but selling beer behind a bar is now an illegal activity, in this strange new World all of us now inhabit.

Saying goodbye to everyone yesterday was a difficult affair, just as it was the first time we closed. Not knowing how others are doing during this particularly challenging time, is going to be hard. It was a testing night overall and not an evening I want to repeat, but I am at least one of the lucky ones; I still have a job and I'm getting paid. If all goes to plan, we will be open again in four weeks, somehow, I don't think that will happen and the lockdown will probably last longer than expected. Until all of us meet again, we just have to make the best of a bad situation; this will not last forever.

I had to go into town this morning to do some banking and again, just like eight months ago, the place was deserted. The streets were clear, hardly anyone was about and shops and businesses were closed. Portsmouth looked like a ghost town and I felt like I had entered a different World. The city centre is usually busy, bustling and full of voices, teeming with life, especially at this time of year. Not knowing when this current lockdown will end is disconcerting, it is a rather disturbing scene to witness, a scene not dissimilar to movies I have watched in the past, documenting the end of the World.

Of course, I will still have contact with others, especially at work, but I am concerned about those who live alone. Particularly vulnerable, are people who were shielding during the first wave of the pandemic and are no longer required to do so. Many of them are choosing to stay at home anyway, for their safety; a difficult decision, but a welcome one. Isolation and despair are common symptoms at this uncertain time and that is troublesome for the more exposed in society. Walking around the quiet streets today, I also felt very much alone with my thoughts, able to contemplate the future and think about my own anxieties. This is going to be another solitary time for me and I will do my best to embrace it, as I did at the beginning of the year.

I hope to once again spend time walking across the city, but with Christmas coming work will of course take priority. The weather is cold and uninviting, not ideal for exploring this great naval city, but it is something I have to do, if only to stay fit, healthy and sane at this time. Being able to clear one's head, shake away the cobwebs and breathe in the sea air is a must. I am however mindful of my aches and pains and have to take care I am not over doing it. Unlike last time I will not be walking seven miles a day; when one is on one's feet all day at work, a little rest is probably more beneficial than a long distance walk in the rain.

Speaking to Darrell today I was conscious of the huge differences in the direction we are both following in our respective countries. Sat with his Mother, friend Beth, drinking a pot of tea outside Woolworth's in Perth, they were all enjoying a normal life. No masks, no social distancing, no hand sanitizing; all of us are living in significantly different Worlds. The contrast is stark and clear for all to see. How could two countries, both islands, do things so differently? One successful, in more or less eliminating the virus, the other, still suffering through inaction, dither, ignorance and a failure to understand the pandemic that is ripping across the World. I am astounded that Boris Johnson and his Government are not being held more accountable for such monumental failures of judgement and hope in time that will change. It is shocking just how many mistakes have been made.

The next few weeks and months are going to be difficult, as we all try and survive this winter lockdown. The pressures on the health service and the rest of us will undoubtedly take its toll, but it is up to each of us to stay safe and look out for one another. All of us hope this closure will only last until 2 December, but that of course depends on how we all act. In Australia, everyone understood the importance of social distancing, mask wearing and hygiene, here, people seem to be ignoring basic logic when carrying out their daily tasks. Whether they are belligerent with fatigue or confused by the Government's mixed messages up to now, nobody really knows, but their actions will cost lives. Now is the time to act responsibly and follow the rules and hopefully we can all enjoy the family Christmas we planned, looking forward to a pragmatic and hopefully productive new year!

I had a busy day on Thursday; the sun was out on the hottest day of the year so far and there wasn't a cloud in the sky! With 34 degree heat on the cards, I decided to go on my daily walk, even earlier than usual, arriving in Southsea at about 8.30am. There were still a few people about grabbing their spot on the beach for the day, but by and large it was a quiet scene, ideal for taking in the coastal scenery for a brief moment or two, before the crowds descended.

Watching the news later in the day, I was horrified to see hundreds of thousands of people heading to popular tourist destinations like Bournemouth, ignoring social distancing measures and acting like Coronavirus had gone away. People, come on, what bloody planet are you on. This virus is still well and truly about and isn't going anywhere, yet you all continue to defy the regulations. I don't mind telling you all, that people are really getting me down. I am fed up with their ignorance and general lack of empathy for anyone but themselves.

Having just got back from town myself this morning, walking to the city centre at 10am, just to pick up some supplies from Holland and Barrett, I was astounded by the number of people queuing just to get into Primark and other such stores. The line of people stretched around the block and no one was social distancing at all. This is awful and a disgusting indictment on the British public. Why the hell can't we just do as we are told?

News headlines across the World were equally scathing about the scenes witnessed in Bournemouth and other beaches up and down the country. It felt like we were once again the laughingstock of the World, especially as our daily death rate was on the rise. On Thursday the fatality figure was 182, a ten-day high as the  figures from the previous two weeks began to filter down. This was of course no surprise for me, who already knew what was coming. The idiots on beaches, queuing to get into shops and not socially distancing are now causing real problems for our recovery from COVID-19 and with further relaxation measures coming into force on July 4th, it is likely these statistics will become even worse.

I am really at a loss for words at how this Country, Government and population have dealt with this crisis. We have failed at so many levels and it is shocking to see. Nobody seems to care any more, most think the virus has gone away and there is a lack of understanding of its impact on people and communities up and down the land. I am not sure how bad things have to get, before people take notice!

All of us are facing our own problems during this pandemic, so it was also nice to relax for a few hours in the company of family; following Government guidelines of course. The only people I see these days are close relatives and even then I keep my distance. It is difficult to really know just what we are allowed to do and what we aren't. There have been so many conflicting messages coming out of Downing Street, that many of us, don't know just what is acceptable and what isn't. This is part of the problem, there has been no cohesive messaging or comprehensive guidelines; the rules and regulations are complex and the public are rightly confused. Most people are now doing what they want and have just dismissed any involvement from the powers that be, due to their lack of leadership, misleading statements and failure to take responsibility for their actions!

I am lucky to have family around me; all of us are doing our best to get through the challenges we now face. It is disheartening to see others flouting the rules, but what can we realistically do? It is now up to us as individuals to do the right thing for our own families. Our representatives have failed us as a nation, we have to take charge of our own destinies, even if it does go against what we are being told. When measures are relaxed, if I feel they are wrong, I will do what I can to keep myself safe. I will continue to stay two meters from others, will avoid large shopping malls and will always do all I can to protect others..... Can you really say the same?

I was back out walking yesterday, for the first time in a week. Since going back to work and with the rain in constant flow, I haven't had as much time to do the things I would like. Nevertheless, I walked a healthy seven miles, down to the coast and back again, even though the sun barely peeped through the clouds.

I haven't been in the best frame of mind recently as you all know, having come to the end of an awful two weeks holiday, when I should have been away in the far east. I have probably had too much time on my hands and spent rather a lot of time thinking. Like everyone else I just want this terrible time to be over. This week was the first time in a while, that I really felt depressed; that hasn't happened for a long time. I have had down periods, but this has been a struggle to conquer and I have done my best to block it out and just carry on as normal.

I am finding people a strain; they are out in droves once again and ignoring Government guidelines, whilst the rest of us try to do the right thing. With lockdown measures eased dramatically, the country is getting back to some kind of normality. The trouble is, it isn't normal, and we are still in the middle of a pandemic, with deaths recorded in the hundreds and I fear things are going to get gradually worse again, unless people start taking notice of social distancing rules.

Last night I needed cheering up, so watched a film, I haven't seen since I lived in Spain, 'Beautiful Thing.' This amazing 'coming out' movie has great poignancy for Darrell and I, released just a year after we got together and always takes me back to our first few carefree years as a couple, before we began fighting for our right to remain in the UK as partners. Unless you are gay, you will really never understand the importance of 'coming out' to family and friends. Back in the early 1990s it was the biggest issue on my mind and really became the first thing I thought about when I woke up and the last thing I contemplated before I went to sleep.

As I'm sure you are aware by now, I didn't have an easy time of declaring my homosexuality and as such found 'Beautiful Thing' comforting at a very difficult time. Of course all of us are experiencing anguish and anxiety today, for very different reasons and once again I watched a film that has got me through some dark days in the past; by the end of it, I felt suitably relaxed and content. It has always been important for me to feel secure and well-adjusted in my environment, wherever I am; I certainly haven't had a lot of security in recent years, so anything that gives me a lift is welcome; I have even spent the afternoon today, watching Jane McDonald, cruising around the World; a reminder of happier times!

From watching retro television programmes, sorting through photographs, speaking to old friends on the telephone and writing about better moments in my life, I have done everything I can to feel comfortable during the last three months. For the most part, I did well, even surprising myself at times. I think all of us have to do what we can to get through the worst of the virus, all the while, remembering there are others worse off than us. With the easing of lockdown restrictions, it won't be too long before the most serious phase of this pandemic becomes a distant memory, and we all look forward to a new, untested future. We should however, never forget just what transpired in all our lives, after all we will all remember this period for generations to come, recalling events that made us the people we are today and hoping to god it never happens again!

With lockdown restrictions eased and groups of six adults allowed to meet in open spaces, I have finally been able to see some of my relations again. On Saturday we travelled to see my Cousin Emmy in Hayling Island, suitably distancing when we had to but always following Government guidelines. Sadly it will be awhile before I can see my Father and other members of my family, but at least all of us have started the process of reconnecting with loved ones!

Stay safe everyone!

Some more photographs from in and around Portsmouth, whilst out walking during this lockdown period. To be honest I have been feeling a little down recently and walking is the only thing that takes my mind off my troubles. I am finding life pretty difficult at the moment, probably like all of us. Without the support of my partner and a constant feeling of isolation, I am starting to wonder why I am still in Britain.

Having two weeks holiday and doing absolutely nothing, spending every day on my own predominantly has brought out the worst in me, as I try to work my way through the loneliness. The stress and anxiety that plays such a large role in my life has now become the focus of my thoughts, every day. When I wake up in the morning, I am constantly reminded of the things I hate about myself the most - my consternation, uneasiness, worries, apprehension and ailments; the niggling pains that give me even more reason to dwell on the negative aspects of life and the dreams I have failed to fulfil in life.

The last few months have been difficult because I have had more time than I can cope with. This week I should have been in Japan, visiting Osaka and Mount Fuji, instead I have been at home, alone with my thoughts and memories of better times. I am well aware, that over thinking is a fault of mine and I remain empty and wanting at the end of it. I am always left with more questions than answers, and I am often filled with regrets, 'what ifs' and frustrations that I just can't shake.

Usually I am in a much better  frame of mind than I am today, but I am not in the habit of lying about how I feel, so this blog is the perfect forum for telling the truth. I have always tried to be as honest as I can, when I talk about myself, it is the best way to offload any pressing worries. The anxieties I suffer today are a direct result of the circumstances I find myself in. The only time I am truly happy, is when I am with my husband; when you spend twenty-five years with someone, it makes it hard when you have to live apart. There are people far worse off than I, especially during this pandemic, but I do wish I could travel back a few years, when we lived in Spain together, finally living the life we both had dreamed of for so long.

If I had the choice, I would leave on a plane tomorrow to be with Darrell, not because I don't want to be here with family, far from it, this has been my saving grace. I love being with my Aunt and Cousins, but because I need to be with the person I love and without him, life has become meaningless, without purpose.

Reassessing one's life and making plans for the future, whilst walking around this great city, has become as much a part of life as going to work has and whether I like it or not, it is the foundation of my time now in Portsmouth. As the months roll on and both of us spend more and more time apart, I fear the negativity will continue to resurface from time to time. I do not thrive in such situations and try to wrestle with my own demons in order to move forwards with hope and a determination to do what is right. If I had to leave tomorrow, I would; I do whatever I can to remain sanguine during tempestuous times!

Some great weather again yesterday, perfect for a few hours walking, visiting yet more places I haven't seen before and others I have only visited briefly. Many of the crowds I had witnessed over the weekend were gone, as children went back to school, so reassuringly, there were very few people around first thing in the morning when I went out for a stroll. I felt a lot more relaxed than I have done for a while and for once, didn't have to dodge people walking up and down the promenade.

It was good to see the Hovercraft and Isle of Wight Ferry still running, even during this pandemic. Sadly however It is likely I won't be able to use this service myself to get away for the day, since it is mostly reserved for essential staff and there would be nowhere to stay or visit when I am on the island. With two weeks off, after just three days I am climbing the walls already. I am of course walking as much as I can, but being able to do a few more things would be a bonus.

I have visited most areas of Portsmouth now, so may venture elsewhere over the next ten days and do a bit of walking, if I am able. Looking at various travel websites, I can use public transport at my own risk, but with this being a 'lifeline' service only, working on a reduced timetable, I am mindful of the restrictions in place. Something to think about, while I consider what to do, if anything at all!

Discussing the pandemic, looking at this graph above, Britain still has more deaths than the whole of the rest of Europe put together. That is shocking to me, especially from a Government who constantly keeps on saying how well they have done during this pandemic. They haven't done well, we have the second highest death toll in the World and I really am getting sick and tired of the lies they keep spouting during their daily press conferences. Sometimes I think those in charge believe we are stupid. You really don't have to be that intelligent to see through the selective figures that are published each day.

Why would any other country want British tourists holidaying within their borders, when we don't have this virus under control? I am literally finding the propaganda issued by the Government rather tiresome and a complete insult to those of us who have been following guidelines, to protect others for the last two months. The failure of Boris Johnson to stem the tide of Coronavirus, because of his unwillingness to do the right thing, is etched on the lives lost and all of us should be up in arms about these terrible figures.

In Parliament today, during Prime Ministers Questions,  the new Labour Leader Sir Keir Starmer, began the process of scrutinizing the PM and his ministers for their handling of this crisis, and about time to. Anyone can see just how bad things are and with Mr Johnson's failure to sack his discredited advisor Dominic Cummings, for flouting the lockdown laws, their inept, incompetent handling of this pandemic is exposed for all to see!

I was a supporter of the Conservative Party, especially over Brexit but today I no longer consider them competent and trustworthy and have withdrawn my support. I am disappointed at the lack of action and risks taken with peoples lives as circumstances overwhelmed this inexperienced, self-serving bunch of hypocrites. The best all of us can hope for, is we don't have a second larger spike in deaths and opening up the country too soon, doesn't risk the lives of even more vulnerable people!

Walking does give me the time to think and with the pandemic at the forefront of my mind, politics is always top of my list of things to write about. Luckily I can offload my thoughts and feelings on here. The one positive aspect of my life, that has got me through these last few months is blogging. Documenting this difficult period is important for me, and as restrictions are gradually eased, I hope I will once again begin to write about the more positive and pragmatic aspects of life!

Stay Safe Y'all!