This week marked the end of an era, where work was concerned. After four years working at The Newcome Arms, I completed my last shift on Wednesday night. It has been a huge wrench leaving the pub, I have been a part of for so long, but as my circumstances have changed, so has my outlook on life. I have been given the opportunity to do more hours in my full time job, the money is better, and sadly new commitments would have overlapped with my bar duties, so something just had to give. I literally can't be in two places at once, so as much as I wanted to stay around friends, it wasn't an option. Saying goodbye to some truly remarkable people was extremely difficult, and the reality is, I don't know if I have made the right decision, yet!

All of us reach a crossroads in our life, when it is important to make choices for the future. This week has been a significant milestone for me in determining my own destiny. The Newcome Arms was a crucial first step in returning to British life in 2018, after living in Spain, and it got me through some awfully dark days. The people I worked with and the customers who frequented this backstreet bar, were instrumental in getting me through, what I can only describe as the most traumatic years of my life.

With Darrell living ten thousand miles away in Australia, my bar work gave my an outlet to socialise with people, when I needed the company of others most. Having one's husband living on the other side of the World, was extremely hard to deal with, so conversation and interaction was critical. In many respects, my worries took a back seat while I was here, and that was a good thing. I didn't want or need to be thinking about my own woes on a daily basis, any distraction was welcome!

The pandemic brought me closer to the pub, despite being furloughed on occasion. The time I spent there became more valuable than ever; the World may well have been falling apart around me, but it was the people there that put everything into perspective. Their sense of community in abnormal times was refreshing and allowed me to forget about the dramatic events happening across the globe. This pub became the backbone I needed and the normality I craved, this was my escape and my reason to get out of bed!

I will always have fond memories of The Newcome Arms and will do my best to return when I can. As my life moves forwards, onwards and hopefully upwards, it's good to know some things never change. This pub in the heart of Fratton will be there, long after I have gone, It's illuminating light shining brightly, welcoming all of us home. The Newcome Arms will remain a reality check for friends, family and neighbours, returning for those significant events in all our lives.

The day after I left the pub, a colleague I worked with left for a well deserved retirement. It was of course a sad day for all of us who knew Sue, but it was also a signal of the changing times. No matter where we work or what job we do, there will come a time when we have to move on, for our own personal fulfilment.

Sue was a wonderful character, who was a joy to be around, always happy to help out when she could and a great source of advice. We were so similar in many ways and always had a lot to chat about, which made for a productive, friendly environment in which to work. I will miss her, as I know many of my colleagues will also and if I am honest, a bit of me is envious of the plans she has for the future. Like me, she used to live in Spain and returning to the UK was a hard path to tread; as she steps into the unknown one last time and takes a final bow, I know all of us wish her success in all her endeavours!

Sue's departure cemented the end of an era, both of us travelling on two very different journeys but with two similar aims - the beginning of a new life! Darrell and I have started to think about the future, and leaving The Newcome is the start of that process. Both of us intend to be in Portsmouth for at least four more years, by which time I can officially retire, given the right circumstances of course. Until then, we will keep on forging our new life together, working towards our goals, creating memories, cherishing friendships and earning enough money to eventually live, the life both of us desire!

I've blogged very little about the Ukraine war in recent days, preferring to concentrate on more positive aspects of my own life. Despite this,  my emotions have been tested over the last week especially, as more and more atrocities are uncovered in Ukraine. Russian forces have been leaving most parts of the country, in order to concentrate on taking over the south, in particular, the Donbass province. The destruction left behind in Northern Ukraine has been harrowing to see, as news coverage details the carnage unleashed on the region. The brutality of Russian forces is as clear as day, for the whole World to see. Russia has gone rogue and no one is sure just how this disaster will end.

As a rule, I am a pacifist, always preferring a negotiated settlement over war. The conflict in Ukraine, however, has made me reevaluate everything I believe in. The stories of innocent victims butchered in their own homes, young girls raped in front of their families and elderly, vulnerable people sheltering in dark basements have shaken me to the core. This war may well be Putin's, but those fighting it in his name, are no better than him. The soldiers are evil in every sense of the word, and I still can't believe the vast majority of the Russian public are supporting this needless charade. If the World does finally return to normal, the citizens of Russia will have to understand the part they played in this genocide and live with the murder of innocents on their hands forever.

Sadly, I have had a few encounters with others, who have criticised my support for Ukraine. Now, you really don't have to be an expert to understand where the aggression is coming from. Ukraine didn't ask for this war, until a couple of months ago, this peaceful nation was carrying on as normal, a modern democracy in the heart of Europe. Today it is on the verge of collapse, bombarded daily, shattered lives littering its war torn streets.

I constantly read about the ongoing war, keeping myself updated on events in Eastern Europe. Nevertheless, I have turned off the news on my television, only watching it when I need to, usually just once a day. For all the horrors unfolding, there is only so much I can take psychologically. As a human being I feel deeply disturbed by what is happening in Europe and my own mental health also remains a concern. I have always been an empathetic individual, feeling other's pain far more than my own, so this tragic war has just highlighted the darkness that overwhelms my thoughts on a daily basis. As cruel as it seems, as guilty as I feel, I just need to switch off from time to time.

I suppose I find it very difficult to comprehend how a whole nation of individuals can turn away from their friends and neighbours in Ukraine and believe the propaganda touted by Russian state media. I am speaking as someone living in a democratic country with a free press, so my understanding of totalitarian regimes is rather limited. In the digital age we live in, one would expect everyone, even in a fascist state like Russia, to have access to balanced, unbiased news, but of course that may not be the case for the majority of the population. People can't or do not want to believe the wickedness committed in their name is wrong. They truly think they are fighting against Nazis, when actually the opposite is true. Russia is the aggressor, the Nazis are Russian and the aggression is coming from one man, President Vladimir Putin.

I have always had a strong belief in the power of people and their ability to overcome any struggle, no matter how bad things get. Even in the most terrible of times, where it is difficult to see past the catastrophe unfolding, the strength, and character of humanity to overcome adversity is heartening. I do have enormous faith in the Russian public, to finally stand up against Putin and the murderers that surround him. With help and support, they can and will topple this dictator, like every other despot before him. It is of course right and just to criticise Russia as a whole for what is unfolding in Ukraine, all of them must take responsibility for what is transpiring. It is also necessary to enlighten and encourage all Russians to rise up and fight against a dictator whose time is up.

I remain hopeful that this war in Ukraine will signal the end of President Putin. It will not happen anytime soon, as the war rages on. The fate of the World remains with Russians and their extraordinary abilities to channel their defensive spirit, in ridding themselves of one of the worst tyrants in modern times. Stand with your Ukrainian Brothers, don't accept what you are told as true; believe in the power of humanity, against oppression, persecution, and the lies of the few!

Chichester

Two days off in a row – unheard of for me! This weekend, I've actually enjoyed some quality time out and about, during the Easter weekend. I don't often have this much time off, especially on a Sunday, so I have made the most of it. The weather has been amazingly sunny and for once it has been a pleasure being outside. Still saving hard, I always find it difficult spending money, but for the first time in I don't know how long, I've thrown caution to the wind and actually enjoyed myself!

On Friday, Darrell and I went to the historic city of Chichester and did some sightseeing, enjoying the idyllic surroundings of Chichester Cathedral, where I lit a candle for Mum. We walked along the old city walls and enjoyed the immaculate Bishop's garden. As is usual when we go out, we ate lunch at Pizza Express, a pricey, but thoroughly authentic pizza dining experience, that I save only for days like this. Having travelled to Italy on five different occasions, I find Pizza Express offers the best pizza outside the Motherland.

Chichester was a delight as usual, even if I did feel rather old walking around the centre. In my younger days, I wouldn't have even considered going to this picturesque city, but time has moved on and so have I. I have mellowed immeasurably  and grown to appreciate such places, even if they are a little middle class for my taste!

Today we had Easter Day lunch at the Ship and Castle, near The Hard in Portsmouth. This was a place recommended by a friend; supposedly it has the best carvery in Portsmouth, and to be honest I wasn't disappointed. The food was delicious and yes it was the best roast I have had here, for a reasonable 12.95 a head. I will certainly be back, should I have a Sunday off again.

Darrell and I also visited the Historic dockyard and were suitably impressed by the Royal Navy's flagship HMS Queen Elizabeth. The sheer size of it was awe-inspiring. Of course, HMS Victory and Warrior are just as spectacular, but their size pales in comparison to this amazing new aircraft carrier. This landmark location in Southsea is a true asset to Portsmouth and certainly worth visiting, even, if like us, it was a brief stroll around the vast complex.

From the dockyard, we walked to the Cathedral, the tree outside adorned with Ukrainian ribbons, adding a touch of poignancy this Easter, as the European war rages on. After a moment of reflection, we continued on to Southsea funfair, where we saw the Hovercraft leave for the Isle of Wight. These all but retired vessels are incredible to watch, as they leave port, always giving me a thrill. After a leisurely walk along the front, in the afternoon sun, we finally left for home.

Spending money I shouldn't, sends a shudder down my spine, nevertheless I have felt calm and chilled in a way I haven't recently. Both Darrell and I have been able to spend time together, which is rare. Both of us need to do it more and make time for one another. The Hard is only a twenty-minute walk from our house, so there is really no excuse. Life is very frugal for us, but we can do things cheaply and economically, we just have to make the effort in the first place!

I hope you all had a happy Easter!

The Hard

If I am perfectly honest, I've had a bad few days; in fact, my current state of mind has probably been brewing for quite a while. I have always had up and down periods and have dealt with some truly dark feelings, but have generally knocked myself out of how I was feeling and managed to get back on track. I suppose I have always suffered with depression and low mood, and it has always played a dominant role in my life. People who suffer from these feelings, find it very hard to overcome the despondency, and it can very quickly overtake one's daily activities. It is a curse, but it can also offer a period of reflection, when it is needed most.

The biggest problem with depression, at least in my case, are the triggers that signal a downward spiral. These are the sparks that light the litmus paper, causing negative inward thoughts and feelings, that tend to get worse the longer you leave them unchecked. The best course of action is to face the despondency head on and deal with the manifestations that occur, but sometimes it can take a long time to feel comfortable enough to stand up to those demons! Learning to recognise the triggers is key to overcoming the inevitable sadness, quickly, in a measured way!

The last few years have been particularly challenging for many people; I have dealt with some terribly low moods and with the Ukrainian war getting worse every day, my current state of mind feels even more precarious. As a child, I also suffered with extreme anxiety, especially during periods of extreme stress, and have always found it difficult to cope. Most of the time I bottle up things I shouldn't, but for me, the resulting mayhem caused if I were to explode would be far worse. I am placid first and foremost, but I do have an extremely fiery temper on rare occasions. The unpredictable nature of these events, makes it even more important to keep quiet and contemplate, rather than antagonize and agitate!

Depression isn't just about locking oneself in a room and saying nothing, avoiding everyone and everything, as I am doing today. Depression is also about getting on with life and hiding the truth about how you really feel. Like most people, I am continuing with my daily pursuits. On the surface I am the same as everyone else, smiling when I have to and able to conduct myself professionally, but deep down I am not always that person. When I am suffering, I am quite simply a mess, I don't want to speak to anyone and I just want to be left alone. The more someone probes, the more I back away. I do not want to be confronted about why I am feeling the way I am, and I certainly don't want to have to justify my actions to anyone. People need to know when to steer clear!

I do sound rather defensive today, but sometimes it's the only way to make your voice heard; I am sick and tired of people telling me how I should and shouldn't feel. It is crucial for my own peace of mind, that I am able to express myself as I want. When you have had a tough week, all you want to do is relax, chill and take time out. It is important to have time for yourself and space to grow as a person; I am not getting either of these things at the moment, and that consequently makes me more perturbed than usual. When you get that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach, you need to deal with it; you shouldn't have to put your own emotions to one side, and should be given the opportunity to express yourself in a way you are happy with.

I have a feeling I will have many more periods like this in the coming weeks. My own self reflection isn't important on the grand scale of things. However, all of us have our own personal issues to deal with. I am lucky enough to be able to express myself through words and by the end of this entry today, I will have offloaded a great deal of baggage. Writing is a great healer and through my personal blog, I can document my thoughts in such a way that helps me understand myself. Knowing who I am today will help me understand who I will become tomorrow!

Whatever television station you watch or newspaper you read, you can't fail to avoid the emerging 'cost of living crisis' unfolding before our very eyes. I can't remember a time when I have been so aware of rising prices, soaring inflation and dramatic hikes in the cost of utility bills. Using the word 'crisis' has been criticised for its dramatic, frightening cogitations, but when one looks at the economic uncertainty across the globe, it is clear this is appropriate for the times we are living though. These are momentous months for many reasons, not just the cost of living, but when looks at the different factors at play in this 'new World order,' it is clear there has been a significant shift, creating the most unstable economic conditions for over forty years or more. These are difficult days for everyone, and we need to understand just how serious this situation is. This isn't something that can be solved quickly, all of us will have to battle to keep our heads above water.

The seeds of this current crisis were sown in 2016, after Britain voted to leave the European Union. No one really expected the UK to remain the economic power house it was after we voted to leave, and if they did, they were seriously deluded. I was someone who envisaged a time of upheaval and hardship, but like most people, I believed it would be a temporary blip, and we would overcome the problems relatively quickly. Brits are a hardy bunch, and we have lived through worse periods in history. With fortitude, faith, and backbone, it wouldn't be too long before we were back on track again.

At the time of the vote, I was living in Spain with Darrell. We lived a relatively frugal existence; with my husband flying back to Australia regularly, I learnt to live on a small budget of 30 Euro a week. Life was hard, but the sun was shining and life was good. I loved my new Spanish home and believed I would remain an expat for many years to come.

Of course nothing lasts forever and in 2018 I moved back to the UK for family reasons, as Darrell continued to commute From Europe to Australia, caring for his Mother after her cancer diagnosis. These were arduous years for us, as we tried to restructure our  life to suit our changing circumstances. Darrell would fly to Britain when he could, and I would travel to Asia once a year; it was an arrangement that worked well until the pandemic crashed head long into all our lives in 2020.

The biggest factor in the current 'cost of living crisis is of course COVID-19. The money spent by Governments all over the World propping up ailing economies throughout the worst of this virus was huge, unlike anything any of us had ever seen. Locking down a country isn't a cheap option. The British Government alone spent hundreds of billions of pounds paying staff to stay at home, as businesses remained closed for months on end. Even I was paid a wage, even though the pub where I worked was closed. At the time it was great, but all that money has to eventually be paid back.

The pandemic still rages on, although as a nation, Britain is learning to live with it. It is unlikely we will ever be locked down again, but we will be living with the consequences of COVID for many years to come. The vast sums spent keeping families afloat, while they languished at home is shocking to contemplate, but the hangover from this strange period is only just beginning today, two years later. After Brexit, no one expected a public health crisis, and the British economy has suffered untold amounts of damage. Through mismanagement, waste of public money and falling tax receipts, it was only a matter of time before we started to feel the pinch; from 1 April that process of 'paying back' began.

They say bad things come in threes, well there is yet another catastrophe looming on the horizon, with war in Europe looking ever more likely! After Brexit and a global pandemic, the World is now on the brink of World War III, as Russia invades Ukraine. Yet another disaster of incalculable magnitude, after a series of bad choices and unforeseen circumstances; conflict is now unfolding on the continent, as the daily news reports, uncompromising rhetoric and threats from Russian President, Vladimir Putin become increasingly worrying and venomous. The death and destruction, economic sanctions and refugee crisis has started to reverberate across the planet; all of us have begun to suffer the knock on effects of the war in Ukraine.

The cost of everything is going up. As the fighting intensifies, oil prices have skyrocketed, causing massive increases in the cost of oil. Gas, electric, and petrol are all significantly higher than they were and people, already feeling strapped for cash, are now feeling the squeeze tightened further. Inflation is creeping up and looks likely to top ten percent by the end of the year. As sure as night follows day, interest rates will undoubtedly rise, causing a drastic increase in mortgages. Food prices are exploding; as someone who shops in a supermarket daily, I am well aware of the increases. The new European war has curtailed the flow of trade between Ukraine and the rest of the World, making resources scarcer. The breadbasket of Europe is no longer exporting wheat, and the rest of us will have to pay sharply more for a loaf of bread and other products once transported from Ukraine.

I am well aware of the cost of the things I buy; I have seen my shopping bill nearly double since the pandemic, and it isn't going to change anytime soon. When the price cap on gas and electric was abandoned yesterday, utility bills rose by 54% immediately. I am luckier than most, because I do not pay bills where I am living, but will contribute more in other ways, helping to alleviate the costs involved. With higher tax and many of the measures introduced during the pandemic coming to an end, ordinary people are feeling the economic pressure. The cost of living crisis is causing the biggest drain on incomes since the 1950s, and none of us are fully aware of the consequences of circumstances, that are compounding the intensity of this dangerous crossroads. Whether or not families survive the next few years very much depends on the different factors at play. The biggest concern for everyone now is the Ukrainian war and just how long it goes on for, affecting all our lives.

For now, Darrell and I are fine. However, we don't have a home to keep and can save money relatively easily. My goals and aspirations still remain on track, with the possibility of early retirement in four years time, funding a new life in Portugal or somewhere a little more conventional. My future plans are very dependent on how well my pension does and my scope to save the maximum amount of money in order to buy a home. I can only rely on my own frugal abilities, rather like I did when I lived in Spain, but ultimately remain at the mercy of events beyond my control. As usual, being the realist I am, I expect the worst but hope for the best; lets pray the World returns to normal soon and all of us can finally breathe a sigh of relief, restarting where we left off in 2019!