Depression Rearing Its Ugly Head!

If I am perfectly honest, I've had a bad few days; in fact, my current state of mind has probably been brewing for quite a while. I have always had up and down periods and have dealt with some truly dark feelings, but have generally knocked myself out of how I was feeling and managed to get back on track. I suppose I have always suffered with depression and low mood, and it has always played a dominant role in my life. People who suffer from these feelings, find it very hard to overcome the despondency, and it can very quickly overtake one's daily activities. It is a curse, but it can also offer a period of reflection, when it is needed most.

The biggest problem with depression, at least in my case, are the triggers that signal a downward spiral. These are the sparks that light the litmus paper, causing negative inward thoughts and feelings, that tend to get worse the longer you leave them unchecked. The best course of action is to face the despondency head on and deal with the manifestations that occur, but sometimes it can take a long time to feel comfortable enough to stand up to those demons! Learning to recognise the triggers is key to overcoming the inevitable sadness, quickly, in a measured way!

The last few years have been particularly challenging for many people; I have dealt with some terribly low moods and with the Ukrainian war getting worse every day, my current state of mind feels even more precarious. As a child, I also suffered with extreme anxiety, especially during periods of extreme stress, and have always found it difficult to cope. Most of the time I bottle up things I shouldn't, but for me, the resulting mayhem caused if I were to explode would be far worse. I am placid first and foremost, but I do have an extremely fiery temper on rare occasions. The unpredictable nature of these events, makes it even more important to keep quiet and contemplate, rather than antagonize and agitate!

Depression isn't just about locking oneself in a room and saying nothing, avoiding everyone and everything, as I am doing today. Depression is also about getting on with life and hiding the truth about how you really feel. Like most people, I am continuing with my daily pursuits. On the surface I am the same as everyone else, smiling when I have to and able to conduct myself professionally, but deep down I am not always that person. When I am suffering, I am quite simply a mess, I don't want to speak to anyone and I just want to be left alone. The more someone probes, the more I back away. I do not want to be confronted about why I am feeling the way I am, and I certainly don't want to have to justify my actions to anyone. People need to know when to steer clear!

I do sound rather defensive today, but sometimes it's the only way to make your voice heard; I am sick and tired of people telling me how I should and shouldn't feel. It is crucial for my own peace of mind, that I am able to express myself as I want. When you have had a tough week, all you want to do is relax, chill and take time out. It is important to have time for yourself and space to grow as a person; I am not getting either of these things at the moment, and that consequently makes me more perturbed than usual. When you get that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach, you need to deal with it; you shouldn't have to put your own emotions to one side, and should be given the opportunity to express yourself in a way you are happy with.

I have a feeling I will have many more periods like this in the coming weeks. My own self reflection isn't important on the grand scale of things. However, all of us have our own personal issues to deal with. I am lucky enough to be able to express myself through words and by the end of this entry today, I will have offloaded a great deal of baggage. Writing is a great healer and through my personal blog, I can document my thoughts in such a way that helps me understand myself. Knowing who I am today will help me understand who I will become tomorrow!

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