For the past few weeks I haven't been feeling too great. I haven't seen a Doctor in about two and a half years, so I decided it was time to go today. As a Spanish Resident I do have a SIP card, which does entitle me to free health care. However nothing is quite that simple. In order to make an appointment and see a Doctor, I need to employ the services of a translator; Spain will not fund this service. Therefore every time I see a doctor, I would have to pay around 50€, quite expensive in my humble opinion. Getting hold of an interpretor when required is also no mean feat. I decided to avoid the public health care system here in Spain altogether; at least in the short term, so I can learn to speak a bit more Spanish first. For the sake of my own sanity, I will have to pay privately for now!

​This morning I went up to Salvum Health Care at the Santara Life Resort. Here they offer a Health Plan for 150€ a year. This entitles you to  reduced health care costs and Doctors Appointments. These usually cost 50€ a visit; as a member of Club Salvum, they cost 20€ a visit, a big saving. Don't get me wrong, it is expensive, but I don't have any other options open to me. As a non Spanish speaking resident, intending to live in Spain indefinitely, I need to ensure I have access to medical services. 

Today I booked up for the MOT at a reduced cost of 50€. I had my blood pressure taken, which was rather high, as I expected and will have to have it monitored for seven days. I can get this done in the farmacia or at Salvum and will make an apointment next week to get all my results.

Despite having a free health service in Spain, there are hidden costs. Unlike the UK Spain doesn't fund a free health service for foreign residents, unless you are working, paying into the system, which is only right of course. I can ill afford to pay to see a Doctor, but I do believe investment in health is important at my time of life, so am prepared to fund a few tests for peace of mind. It will mean we have to tighten our belts financially for a while, but that is part of the course living here anyway; money is tight, for everyone. A 240€ medical bill is not something I have budgeted for and will just have to take it on the chin. As long as I get some answers, I am happy to pay. More tests tomorrow, fingers crossed they go well!

After a rather strange conversation last night when I got in from work, I thought today was the perfect opportunity to talk about success and failure. In today’s blog entry I want to talk about measuring success; what represents a happy and positive life? After my online chat, it seems people have very different opinions when recording their sense of well-being and prosperity. As I sit writing today, I don’t mind admitting, I have very little money or security living in Spain, but I do have enough to get by. In Britain I was always trying to live up to other peoples expectations, doing the right thing, saving for my old age, making sure I was comfortable. Well anyone who knows me well enough, will understand my life has had many ups and downs, which prevented me from following a more traditional path. A same sex relationship with an Australian, moving from country to country, with conditions attached to your every move, was just one hurdle I had to overcome. My relationship was fraught with challenges, because of laws designed to inflict damage on our union. We had to fight a discriminatory system with archaic laws, public revulsion, homophobia and hate in order to stay as one. We fought harder than anyone else I know. Don’t look into my relationship and judge my journey, when you did not walk in the same shoes as I.

When I look at those around me, friends and family I am aware of how confused they may be about my general direction in life. After all these people are successful in their own right. They have fantastic careers, children, a nice home and money in the bank; I couldn’t be happier for them. I am however a little perturbed about their shallow materialistic outlook on life. How does one actually measure success? Is wealth and assets the only way we can prove our affluence? Or is their another way of calculating our self worth?

I certainly don’t have any assets; I have owned property in the past, but sold the three houses I had many years ago, preferring to live a carefree independent existence. Once I came off the ‘property ladder,’ it was very difficult to jump back on, so I chose not to! I was not fortunate enough to have the same level of support others had, so very much stood on my own two feet; struggling to survive at times; I also had other periods of success in equal measure. I have not had any close bonds for many years; I certainly don’t rely on others for anything and only have a small income. I am not, nor never will be, wealthy; I spent too much time concentrating on my relationship to consider becoming a millionaire; I am happy with that.

I would love the security of owning my own home, I just do not have the resources to do so, like many other people. Property costs are out of the reach of the majority of us these days. Saving for a deposit on a house and surviving each day, is not something I can achieve. I had to leave Britain under traumatic circumstances, giving up a career and home, restarting my life again; being able to afford to buy a home, just wasn’t a priority; recovery from adversity was. In truth Darrell and I are nearly free of the distress Oxfam caused. Once this current wrangle with them is over, we can fully move forwards, until then we have some fighting to do.

Measuring success is deeply personal to the individual concerned. I am lucky to be living in Spain, with the person I love; 23 years together, looking out over fantastic views, enjoying spectacular weather and surrounded by a supportive network of friends, both here and in Britain. Does this constitute success? Yes it most certainly does! When one considers where my life was, after eight years working for Oxfam, it is immeasurably better now; I couldn’t ask for more. In most peoples eyes, my current situation would not be ideal and they would probably consider themselves a failure. My positive outlook  ensures a happy demeanour, despite the obstacles we still have to overcome. On the day I left for Spain, I regarded my life to be a mess and unsalvageable, today I see it as an opportunity, infinitely better than it was.

No one has the right to judge someone else, especially when they don’t know them. By all means comment in a constructive way, but don’t assume we are all alike. I am certainly not you; I calculate my own personal success very differently. I don’t need oodles of money to be content; I would like a little more than I have, but I will survive without it. Yes I have made mistakes but I have learnt from them. I am not going to achieve everything I wanted in life, but for now, I am happy being who I am. I don’t lead a superficial life; I am not shallow, I don’t use or take from other people and I always give when I can, even if I have nothing. Most importantly I am in a rewarding, long lasting relationship, despite our trials and tribulations. How many of you can say that? For me these are the things, that measure success!

I've had a very busy few days sorting through photographs. Three months ago I started writing a book on  school life in the 1970s and 80s; a time I look back on with fondness. As I approach my 47th Birthday, I have become somewhat nostalgic for a childhood, spent happily in my hometown of Fareham, on the south coast of England. It wasn't until recently, that I even thought about those first ten years as a child; a lot has happened since that time after all. However, after moving abroad, I have started to learn the importance of my background forty years ago. I have made a lot of mistakes since those early years; my life never really went in the direction I wanted it to. I have a lot of regrets, wishing I had taken different opportunities when they arose, taking the right path instead of the wrong one. I also have a lot of good memories that I enjoy sharing on my blog and wouldn't change them for the World. None of us can alter the past, but we can learn from it!

Living in Spain has afforded me the luxury of being able to write, in a way I haven't been able to in the past. As I look out of my sitting room window, I can see miles and miles of scenery in front of me; peace and tranquility; the perfect environment in which to write. Living away from the distractions of city life, I have been able to reflect over my history and just what it means to me. Until I moved here, I lived for the moment, day by day and never reflected, or imagined what could have been. Most of the time I wanted to block it out, preferring to put the bad memories to the back of my mind. For a time, I really thought my youth was that bad.

It was difficult for me growing up gay, a fact I was aware of at age eleven. A realisation that I was different from my peers was arduous and awkward at best, disturbing at worst, causing me much anguish. I spent most of the time on my own, away from others, because I didn't fit in, not because I didn't want to but because I thought it was best. When you are carrying around secrets, the last thing you want is people around you, who could blow your cover, or discover who you really are. From eleven years old, my life was terrible, the worst and I had no end of problems to contend with. I never followed my dreams and ambitions, because I didn't know how; I was too busy hiding who I really was.

The years before eleven were good. I had a very normal, almost idyllic childhood, spent with a wonderful Mother and Father and extended family. It was the 1970s, we didn't have a lot as a family, but I never went without. I had many friends at school, spending quality time in their company, playing outside until the sun went down, enjoying the newness of life. Away from the muddle and confusion of the past, I am able to see through the pain and anger now and start looking back at the happier moments. Writing 'Short Stories From My Youth,' as part of my blog, has given me the motivation to write a book about this particularly enchanting period, between five and eleven years old; finally understanding the importance of recalling events that made me who I am today.

Thankfully I have been brought into contact with many old friends and others from the schools I attended. I have enjoyed reading their impressions of life four decades ago and have been amazed to see many old photographs from the era; jogging my memory further, I have been able to reconnect with my upbringing. Embracing all of my adolescence is going to be challenging. I have at least started the process of recalling carefree and joyous experiences, producing a story to be proud of; so many people playing a part in its conception. This will be a book about my life and many others who played their part; a history of the time; the sharing of memories, deeply rooted in the foundations of the past.