It felt wonderful waking up in Seoul on my Birthday. Pulling back the curtains in the lounge of our apartment, the sun was out and it looked like we were in for another hot day. Darrell was already awake, coming over as I walked out the door, giving me a card and a 'Korean Cat,' a cuddly toy he had bought from Seoul tower a day or so before. As I slowly awoke, still tired from the previous days walking, I sat down and read the many messages I had received from back home in the UK. Today I was 48 years old, approaching my fifties and happy to be spending the day with my husband and Aunt, doing the things I wanted to do.

With a love of history that goes back to my school days thirty four years, I chose to begin my Birthday with a tour of Bukchon Hanock Village. This six hundred year old settlement is the best example of a traditional working urban environment in Seoul today and was an absolute dream to visit.

Seoul is a large sprawling city; it's modern, gleaming streets and imposing architecture can be seen wherever you go, each building appearing bigger and better than the last. Imagine my surprise when I got off the metro underground system and began my short walk to this historic site and discovered an altogether different, customary, characterful and calming terrain, situated slap bang in the middle of this amazingly vibrant city.

The approach to Bukchon is littered with small cafe's, shops full of Korean handicrafts and memorable architectural delights, including a beautiful Catholic Cathedral, prominently situated at the forefront of this traditional buddhist community. I was aghast by the level of care and commitment shown by the Korean residents, in preserving their heritage. This is a functioning village, people still live and work here. As an observer, looking into their lives I was grateful for their welcome, as we walked around the narrow streets, taking photographs and looking in awe at history in the making.

Many of those visiting Bukchon were wearing traditional Korean dress and most were happy to have their photographs taken, as they went about their business. Politely and with dignity, they made way for the tourists that flock to this Korean Landmark. You could see how proud they were of their village and the wider city of Seoul, showing just how far these people had come since the Korean war in the 1950s. The contrast between old and modern is stark. As one meanders around Bukchon, one is conscious of being in the middle of a modern metropolis, with high skyscrapers framing the landscape beyond. This is a place I will always hold in my memories and look forward to seeing again in the future!

After a good few hours of siteseeing, we had a traditional Korean lunch near the village, which was delicious, as all the food has been in this country. Once again I ate with chopsticks and am persevering with them everyday on this holiday. I will never be an expert eating with these utensils but at least I have tried. I suppose today was the day I truly fell in love with Korea and really want to see more of this cultural gem.

After Bukchon we went to Changdeokgung Palace, much larger than Deoksugung Palace we visited yesterday. Changdeokgung is probably the most loved of all Royal residences and is visited daily by thousands of people. I was astonished by how big this complex is. Building after building, perfectly preserved and painted in traditional Korean colours. Interestingly only thirty percent of the original buildings remain in tact, but what there is, is breathtaking. In 1997 this site was added to the UNESCO World Heritage List and it is easy to see why. Reporting their decision to include Changdeokgung, the UNESCO Committee stated the Palace was an 'outstanding example of Far Eastern palace architecture and garden design" being exceptional because the buildings are "integrated into and harmonized with the natural setting' and adapted 'to the topography and retaining indigenous tree cover!'

This trip to Korea has opened my eyes on many levels. I never really knew much about this country prior to my visit, but today as I write this blog entry I am fully versed in the outstanding history that oozes around every city block, at least in Seoul. Changdeokgung Palace is a fine example of oriental design and inginuity. I have to keep reminding myself that this structure was built in the 14th century and looks as perfect today as it did then. A trip here is a trip to the heart of the Korean nation!

In the evening after a few hours rest we went out for a few drinks, stumbling across another Korean landmark, this time contemporary in construction and rather modern in its concept. An unused motorway has been turned into a city park with landscaped canal, waterfalls and places to sit, take in the city skyline and enjoy a relaxing hour or so; a project that looked towards the future. It was very strange seeing this popular attraction in such a busy metropolitan setting, but was yet another testimony to the creativity of Koreans.

Just a few minutes away was an English pub - The Shakespeare, serving rather expensive craft beer in a typically British setting. On the surface, this seemed like a popular destination, with businessmen and visitors alike enjoying the ambience and winding down after a busy day. Although we were happy to sit and chat for a while, we moved on to a more lively bar, a few yards down the busy thoroughfare. After several half pints of stella, costing the same as a pint in the UK, we were done for the evening, making our way home through the still thronging streets with a brief stopover at McDonalds.

This was a Birthday like no other and one I shall remember for many years to come. I really couldn't have asked for more than spending my time in Seoul, surrounded by history and the ones I love. This is a day I still dream about, remembering with fondness the experiences I shared, a day that couldn't have been more perfect, relaxed, thoughtful, without stress and looking forward to the year ahead!

Friday was a sad day for me, my family and all those who knew Ray Atrill. At 3.30pm, on a rainy afternoon, Uncle Ray was laid to rest at Portchester Crematorium. I arrived with my Aunt and Cousins at 3pm and already people were gathering to say their goodbyes. Nothing however could prepare me for the number of people who arrived to bid farewell to Ray on his final journey.

Ray was a well known luminary in Fratton, having lived there for most of his life, consequently his network of friends was vast. Sat in the pews of the crematorium, I was struck by the number of people entering the hall; it seemed never ending, as the seats were quickly filled. Guests, stood wherever they could, at the sides and back of the building, quietly showing respect for a man, who touched the lives of many. It was a heartwarming display of admiration and approval for a character who will remain in the hearts and minds of all those who knew him.

Ray was given a send off like no other, surrounded by family and friends. The service was typically humanist in tone and reflected a life lived in the company of others, who shared similar interests. Everyone there on Friday sat attentively listening to the stories of a man who had lived the life he wanted and not what others would have expected. Without malice, hate or bitterness, Ray welcomed everyone into his life and all of us who celebrated his legacy on Friday, were lucky to have known him.

The memories of Ray will resonate around the pub where he and I worked for many years to come and will continue to echo around the streets of Fratton, where he walked on a daily basis. Community was important, pivotal and determining in the life Ray led. He did much for good causes and others who needed a helping hand. He was there when you needed a word of encouragement, advice or just a friendly afternoon chat. Ray was a linchpin for many, an Uncle to innumerable personalities who crossed his path and a Dad to a select lucky few, who warranted the love he shared. Ray was Ray, he wasn't perfect, but he was the backbone of a neighbourhood who looked after its own; Fratton wont be the same without him!

Goodnight sweet man!

On Thursday of last week, I managed to catch up with a family friend, author, radio presenter and contributor to 'Roaming Brit,' Debra Rufini. I have very little time to myself these days, let alone being able to spend time with those who are important in my life, so with a few spare hours on my hands, I paid Debra a visit at her home in Portsmouth.

Debra and I have much in common. We both share an interest in writing and spiritual enlightenment as well as having experience in matters related to Sociopathy and Narcissism, the reason I had come to see her on Thursday.

We have both spoken openly about some particularly dark times in our respective lives and whilst our stories are different, they are most certainly related in the difficulties we both endured. Debra has used her radio show to highlight issues of anti-social behaviour, by interviewing guests who like us, have encountered characters that have proven to be destructive in nature. Sociopathy, Narcissistic Personality Disorder and the implications that surround it, can be painful subjects to discuss, especially with those who have little or no understanding of the contentions involved. However Debra and I sat and chatted over a bottle of Rioja for a solid three hours, both of us trying to find explanations to problems that we have both witnessed first hand.

Debra wanted my advice on some dilemmas she is trying to solve. Currently she needs support, having many questions to ask, as she tries to understand the circumstances that have brought her to a confusing crossroads in her life; a challenging chapter that needs to be firmly closed, is still lingering in the background. As I discovered during my time working for Oxfam and the sociopathic management structure, reactions and responses of a positive nature, are few and far between when dealing with mistreatment in their ranks. Trying to untangle a mess made by a single individual with anti-social personality disorder is virtually impossible to achieve, but for victims it is an important part of the healing process. That puts people like Debra and myself in a very precarious situation. Do we carry on, trying to find answers or should we just forget the past and move on.

Initially I spent several years trying to enact revenge for what I considered to be criminal activity against me and others. I wanted justice for the victims who worked for Britain's biggest charity, but I soon discovered the pitfalls of continuing my fruitless campaign. Oxfam would never admit to such behaviour, so rather than continuing to waste my time and energy, I waited for the truth to eventually come out, as it did in 2018 and then I gave my version of events and finally I was listened to!

Debra is still searching for the truth and I am doing what I can to help her, whatever it takes to put her mind at rest and allow her to continue with her life, without the need to keep recalling events and situations, that so very nearly destroyed her as an individual. As two friends chatting. we were able to navigate the clues and unravel the elements. that added together pointed towards a very familiar pattern of abuse and bullying. In time Debra will also be able to sleep soundly in bed once more, until then I will be there when I can!

When I was a boy, I used to carry a handbag or paper bag around with me, with all my 'bits and pieces' in. I remember my Nanny Poppy telling me that she knew I was gay, because I always had a bag in my hand. Of course, that was just my Nan being old fashioned and stereotypical. There was also an element of Nan, trying to accept my homosexuality, by making light of a particular aspect of my personality.

I am not trying to say my baby Cousin is gay, far from it, I am trying to show that this activity is a perfectly normal aspect of growing up. Babies like to explore, in all respects - cupboards, draws and handbags. My little Cousin took me back to my childhood today and it put a smile on my face. It wasn't that long ago, I was playing with Mum or Nanny's handbag, but sadly back then there were no camera phones to take a photo, like there are today.

There are many aspects of my childhood I miss and wish I had more pictures from that time in my life. I did however find this one picture of me, as a child in the 1970s, carrying my trade mark bag. I know what you are thinking? How gay I look, especially the way I am standing......Well maybe! I am sure I was well aware of my sexuality back then, I just didn't really understand what it meant.

It is great watching the younger members of our family grow up. I am particularly fond of Cain who is everything a young toddler should be. When he is my age, I am glad he can also look back at the photographs that document his life. He will have many more pictures to look through, but the sentiment is the same - Remembering those early innocent years, before life takes over and we become the adults we were always destined to be!

I haven't done any blogging for a while, which is unusual for me. In the past I was very regimented about writing everyday, but as my life has become busier, I haven't had the time to do as much as I would like. On top of time constraints, I have also been unwell, still suffering from a chest infection from when I returned home from Asia, nearly six weeks ago.

I have had several infections since returning to the UK and I believe they have now gone. I was given several courses of antibiotics and have had plenty of rest, so I was hoping to be feeling much better by now, but things haven't quite turned out that way and I am still feeling pretty low, mainly because of a persistent cough that I seemed to have acquired. The coughing was so bad recently, that I started to hack up blood, just a small amount, but enough to get me worried. The reality is, that since I moved back to Portsmouth, I have had a lot of health anxiety, probably built up around my rather dysfunctional life.

Last week I went to see my Doctor, who knows me well enough now and explained my situation to her. As soon as I mentioned the blood, she told me to go to St Mary's Hospital and have a chest X-Ray straight away, which I duly did. The whole process was very quick and the radiographer told me if anything urgent was found, they would contact me within 48 hours. It has been over three days and I haven't heard anything, so am hoping nothing too serious is going on. Like most things in life though, I am feeling very negative and run down right now, so am expecting the worst.

I wasn't always a negative person, far from it. In the past I was always positive and ready for new challenges, but something changed along the way. My life never seemed to turn out the way I wanted it to and Darrell and I always had to pick up the pieces from another failed venture or traumatic experience that we hadn't seen coming. In reality, life has been hard, very hard and no one really understands just what we have had to go through, just to remain together, let alone succeed in life.

My health issues always took a back seat, as we dealt with the carnage that always seemed to follow our tail and it wasn't until I moved in with my Aunt, that I began to try and sort out some underlying problems, that I had left for just too long. I suppose many people would call me a hypochondriac, but actually I am just taking an interest in my own well-being, something I should have done many years ago.

Today I take vitamin pills, blood pressure tablets, statins and walk every single day. I no longer smoke and drink very little, so I have made some big changes, from the life I once led. This ongoing infection is the only thorn in my side at the moment and I am just hoping nothing more consequential is going on; I really just want to start feeling well again and living my life. I should get my results this week and will of course let my readers know what is going on. Feeling positive about ones health is the key to getting back to that happy place, I'm hoping it wont take too much longer!

On Saturday I went with two friends, Debbie and Hayley to the 'Let's Rock Southampton' festival, a train ride away, in the City where I lived for over twenty years. It was a blisteringly hot day, perfect for enjoying the now familiar music festival organised annually on the south coast. This isn't a festival for teenagers and young adults, this is a retro 1980s homage, where most of the party goers are in their late 40s early 50s. Despite being busy, with thousands of people in attendance, there was no trouble or antisocial behaviour found at similar events!

As a rule you will never see me at a concert or festival, it really isn't my thing. I can't think of anything worse being surrounded by crowds of people, paying for overpriced substandard food in searing heat or even worse, pouring rain. However this was an event I was looking forward to. I am a fan of all things 80s and of course enjoy the music from the era. This was a day I was determined to enjoy, spending time with Debbie and Hayley, which is always a pleasure.

As we approached the park, I was contacted by Dom an old friend, who used to live with me back in the year 2004. Dom was with his friend Lizi, who I also knew and they wanted to meet in the park. I haven't seen Dom since I returned to the UK last year and was excited he was coming. He was in fine fettle and I was absolutely overjoyed to be spending the day with him and Lizi as well. It really did bring back so many memories of our time together, clubbing in Bournemouth and London. Happy memories on  a perfect day!

The queues getting into the park were long and I was expecting a two hour wait, but the lines of party goers soon disappeared and we were through the gates within twenty minutes. The acts had just started on stage and we quickly made our way to the Pimms tent and bought a jug for twenty eight pounds, hugely expensive and with a low level of alcohol, that never really hit the spot. A small bottle of beer wasn't much cheaper, at five pounds a pop, but was far more enjoyable and I was more than happy to pay the price.  With burgers costing on average eight pounds and a small tub of chinese food over a tenner, this really wasn't going to be a cheap day.

The reason we were all there was the music and for the most part I wasn't disappointed. Westworld and Toyah were amazing and really put me in a good mood for the rest of the day. I used to be a big fan of Toyah's, so it was fantastic to finally see her live. I have no idea how old she is now, but her voice was just as good as I remember. Listening to these two acts really felt like stepping back in time, in a good way...I haven't been to a festival before but suddenly felt a conversion coming on, maybe this would be the beginning of a new chapter in my life.

Whilst enjoying a quick pit stop - Chinese Chicken and rice and a pint of Fosters, Belinda Carlisle came on stage. Now she was the act I most wanted to see, one of my all time favourite artists. Quickly I ran through the thronging crowd to get a good view; she was amazing, looking fantastic for her age and her voice was just as I remember. The music was flawless and her performance was the best experience of the whole day.

The eighties were indeed a special time for me. I was born in 1971 and grew up through what I consider to be the best decade, at least of my lifetime. The music, television, films and emerging technological revolution were a catalyst for my memories today. Standing in a field with thousands of others, on a hot summers day in 2019, I was transported back 35 years, reliving a youth that seemed like only yesterday. Someone once said to me, 'if you could go back and live your life again, would you?' There was only one answer I could give to that....A firm unequivocal YES; I would go back tomorrow and relive those years and all the others I survived, again and again and again.

Life teaches us many lessons and I have much to learn from the last four decades. So much has happened and even more has gone wrong, but it is true to say, the eighties were the first and last best years of my life; thereafter my life took many wrong paths. The 1980s were a time of great change, not only for me, but also the World. The messages in the music of the time spoke of a better future for all and although these years were not the best for everyone, they were for me. My life as an impressionable teenager began in 1982 and as I adapted to adulthood, the eighties took a final bow. Ten years of adventure, self determination and expression soon became a distant memory and I became the person I am today, a product of a time that I wont easily forget! Long live the 80s!

Yesterday a very special person passed away. Ray was a close family friend and had been a constant in the lives of my Aunt and her family for many years. I met Ray for the first time, when I returned to the UK last year and immediately formed a bond with him. He was like an Uncle, always there to give advice and offer a helping hand when he could.

It is always difficult when someone like Ray dies, he has left behind so many people who grieve for the friendship they have lost. He was known by many who live here in Fratton and was a local personality, like no other.

Yesterday, working in the Newcome Arms, his local pub, I saw first hand, just how upset everyone was and it brought home the importance of community to me. I may well have only been a part of this close knit neighbourhood for a short time, but already I feel welcome, thanks in large part, to Rays generous nature and welcoming heart. For those who sat at the bar last night, there was a sudden realisation, that one of their own had died and this town would be a poorer place without him.

Ray has gone to a better place, I am sure of that; I know his memory will live on in the people whose lives he touched. My enduring memory of Ray, is of a quiet, well mannered, unassuming man, who always had time for those around him. He listened to my ramblings, corrected my failings and always enjoyed a conversation; Fratton will not be the same without him. Personally I will miss his infectious smile, warm nature and witty repartee, just three of his many qualities. It was always a pleasure to sit with Ray in his place in the pub and wish the Worlds problems away. They don't make people like Ray anymore, we will never see his like again.

R.I.P. Beautiful man!