Darrell and I had a day off together on Friday, which is rare these days, so we decided to spend the day at Zest, having a tipple or two.  The weather was particularly cloudy, so it was ideal to just stay in doors and have a few bevies.

I've started to drink Bloody Mary's here, as opposed to pints of lager.  I was starting to put on weight to be honest.  After a little bit of internet research, I discovered the best alcoholic beverage for me, was a Bloody Mary.  Low fat and includes one of your five a day.  I was going to drink vodka and tonic, but stomaching tonic is more than I can bare!

Lee was cooking for a coach of thirty, who went on an excursion to cartagena, organised by Zest.  

Cartagena is a port city and naval base in the Murcia region of southeast Spain, founded by the Carthaginians around 220 B.C.E. The Muralla Púnica interpretation center houses the remains of a 3rd-century B.C.E. defensive wall. Among its many Roman ruins are a 2nd-century B.C.E. theatre and Casa de la Fortuna, a villa with murals and mosaics.

Surprisingly I was OK, and didn't get drunk, unlike Darrell, who was completely smashed as they say and had to be carried home by Jamie.  Jim was back for a week also.  Jamie and myself, met Jim, when we first moved to Spain and he was spending a week here in Gran Alacant.  Jim is a good kid and it was nice to see him.  

Woke up this morning, feeling peachy, with no hangover.  Have to work tonight and Sunday, so no more alcohol for me!  The sun is out today, Darrell has the weekend off and Jamie has just left for his shift, so some valuable me time for me, before work at 7pm.

Peace and Love, Always!

I have written about politics before in some of my other blogs, but with all this referendum stuff going on in The UK, I thought I would just write a quick refresher. My views are not set in stone and change all the time.  My Political leanings evolve, but I am very much a person with strong opinions and principles.  This has not always been appreciated, most recently by my ex-employer, an international charity.  I saw the workings of the charity first hand.  I was astonished by them bringing Politics into the running of it, even more astounded by their ignorance of other peoples views, amazed by their left wing middle class, 'I'm alright jack' attitude and flabbergasted at the dreadful treatment of anyone, who dared to question their views.  I chose this charity, because I believed in its work.  I did not slog my guts out, for them, to sell my political soul, especially when those at the top, never practised what they preached,  Their aims, which included 'empowering people', were never adhered too!  I became very disillusioned by this slumbering, bloated, archaic organisation , that had never bothered to follow its own principles and quite simply was there to protect the people in positions of power at the top of their outdated structure!

​In my youth I was a bit of a lefty.  At the time I was fighting for my rights as a gay man, in a relationship with a foreign national. I believed in equality and in my view a Socialist doctrine was the best way to ensure this happened.  I was bought up in a left wing house hold, by parents who were rather middle class, had seen nothing of life, yet preached views that really they had no concept about.  Living in a comfortable town, in Southern England, where the chances of meeting anyone, who wasn't white or middle class, is not the best place to learn about life.  Since my parents had never left their sheltered life, I was amazed by their narrow minded beliefs.  For a while, I dutifully followed, what they had taught me and didn't question their viewpoint!

​University changed all that for me.  I learned to have a voice, to convey my opinion and quite simply experienced more life, different cultures and made diverse friendships, with people who were completely distinct from me.  When one broadens ones mind, through experience and knowledge, one does tend to change ones views.  After University, in my early twenties, I met my current partner, Darrell, of twenty years. I was a gay man, with a foreign partner, living in a multicultural city and I believed in Socialist dogma, a conviction that had been pushed in my face from a family, that really did not understand the real world.  My views were bound to metamorphose.  As I got older and my life experience grew stronger, politically I changed.  I had been abused by a growing immigrant population in Southampton, that were settling, without integrating.  Suddenly being gay, in my home town was becoming difficult. The area I was living in had changed out of all proportion.  Gaining access to a Doctors Surgery or housing was becoming impossible.  A next day appointment, was now becoming a two or three week wait.  If one wanted to go on the Housing List, there was an eleven year delay and if you dared say anything you were accused of being racist.  Nothing could be further from the truth and I was personally getting fed up with a Country who was doing nothing to solve problems that were getting out of control.

I had experienced everything that life had to throw my way.  I had been to University, lived in real poverty, been unemployed and suffered the indignity of Incapacity Benefit. I had also ran my own business, owned four homes and earned lots of money each week.  Through illness I had to rely on benefits and the Health Service.  Having seen first hand what it was like to be at the bottom of the barrel, I could see just how bad the services offered were and just how much they had to be changed.  I had lived through a Labour Government that had squandered billions of public money, saved nothing through the good times and just spent, spent, spent. Then living through a Conservative government trying to clean up the mess left behind, but still not understanding how real people suffer every day of their life,  I was disillusioned and disgusted with all I had witnessed over the years,  The UK was becoming a ghetto and I wasn't happy with what I was witnessing.

After experiencing a Sociopath, in the charity I had worked for and the protection she was afforded, in order to safeguard this discredited charities reputation, we decided to pack up and leave, not by choice, but by force.  The left wing charity, constantly bleating on about its caring credentials was the one single reason, I became the person I am today.  I had worked for the nastiest people I had ever had the misfortune to stumble across. Their so called philanthropic liberal attitude, was actually the most disgusting inward looking and self serving I had ever come across.  I was prevented from expressing my views, if different from theirs, had to run campaigns for groups of people, where the money was going on weapons and destroying other people.  I was not allowed an opinion or  able to speak up for what I believed.  A Socialist, left wing, marxist lie!

Spain was the game changer from me.  Having to move to a foreign Country, not out of choice, but out of necessity, due to immoral acts perpetrated by my employer, was the single, biggest eye opener in my life.  We have been here for three months and our life has changed out of all proportion.  They do things differently in this Country. Integration is the key here.  There is no access to state funds without working and you are unable to get free health care, unless you can prove, you have no reliance on Spain.  Spanish culture comes before any other and you can not live here, if you do not homogenize. That is the correct way to be a foreigner, living and working abroad, as I am now!

I am a Conservative.  Through the sum of my own experiences, I have formed my own views and not taken on board any one else's opinions.  I have lived an extraordinary life by anyone's standards.  I have lived a life on the edge, met good and some extremely bad people, suffered and prospered, so I can safely say my views are mine, without anyone's influence. I believe Britain should get out of Europe and once again forge its own way in the World.  I believe all foreign nationals should integrate fully in their new country.  I believe in Conservative economics, but also believe in affording those less fortunate more protection than they currently get.  I am anti extremism, this includes Islam and acute Christianity, in all its forms because of their anti gay, anti western and anti women stance.  I am also a Royalist and believe in the continuity of Government. Despite my recent experience, I believe in charities, local charities, not those of an international nature, that have become too big to manage.  I am also someone who believes in equality, in every sense and no special treatment should be given to any one single group, especially those of a religious nature.  Finally I believe one should have to work, and anything that promotes people in or getting back to work after a period of inactivity, should be encouraged.  Live a productive and full life, then happiness and contentment will surely follow!

​Peace and love, always!

I've just been talking to a dear friend online, I'm going to call him Paul, because of confidentiality. We were talking about the past, the people in it and the dreadful circumstances surrounding our lives.  I actually find it quite easy to talk about what happened to me over the years now.  It has taken a year to be able to get to this stage, but having got there, I am not going to keep my mouth shut. I have had to stay quiet for so long, which is especially hard for someone like me, with a big mouth.  I remember sitting in an office, talking to someone who knew about Sociopathy.  Before they said anything to me, they said the following....

'If you have ever wondered, why your life has been so fu··ed up, you are about to find out why.  What you need to understand is, it´s not you fault.  Somebody had control of your life and you never knew it!'

During the last dreadful year in Southampton, when I was going through the worst period of my life, Paul wasn't there.  He had made the decision to walk away, long before, I knew exactly what was going on in my life.  Like me he was experiencing harsh times.  Defining 'harsh times' is difficult.  What is harsh for one person, isn`t necessarily for another.  It is a combination of many different factors, including your personal and work life, the people who are a part of your circle at the time and the influences surrounding you and or your loved ones!

Good people attract bad people.  Detestable people tend to know who the 'free meal tickets' are and who are easily manipulated.  Bad people are indeed clever people. They use their abilities to cause harm to others.  Without naming names, because that is not appropriate, the worst people in all our lives at the time, were highly intelligent and used their intelligence to gain access to us, in the most destructive ways possible.

When you are part of a large group of friends, in our case a gay community, it can be difficult to work out the good from the bad.  Like minded people are not necessarily the same in every sense of the word.  There are good and bad people in every community. Just because you have similar interests, sexualities or friends, it does't mean they are as good as you.  People are individuals and exhibit very different traits. I have written before about personally being a bad judge of character, and in my opinion, remember this is just my view, the people I and others used to hang around duped us into believing they were our closest friends.  They are good actors, who are great at telling a story, a shed load of lies or pretending to be a victim, in order to get what they want out of others.  The sad thing is, I knew many, many plebeians like that. On the surface they projected an image of companianship that each of us desire, in order to feel wanted or be included.  These influences know how to read people and are good at telling people like me, what I want to hear.  

It did seem that this riffraff came into mine and Pauls life, at a time when we were vulnerable, open to suggestion and not in the best place, either mentally or physically. The dregs are good at pin pointing times in ones life when those most susceptible need them, or rather feel like they need them most.  As I say, they are very intelligent people and we fall for it every time.

I get scared about what happened to me and what potentially could have transpired, if I had not got out when I did.  Equally this was the case for others in our circle of friends at the time.  Each of us had to make a decision about our own lives, without a thought for those who surrounded us.  When one feels one has to walk away, one should always follow ones own advice.  Hanging around to endure more of the same would be a mistake.  Never feel guilty for doing what you have to do.  What do you think would have happened, if you had stayed around?  Would you still be here today?  Would you have achieved what you have? and would you really have learned any lessons?

The truth is, none of us know what would have happened if we had done things differently, how could we.  We chose to do, what was right for us at the time.  After speaking to Paul, he is in a much better situation than he was.  That in itself proved that what he did was right.  If I personally look back at that time, I am fully aware now, of what both he and I were going through.  I was of course upset that Paul felt the need to walk away, but completely understand why now, even if I didn't back then.  At that stage in my life, I was in a particularly bad place, wanted a friendship I couldn't have any longer and was frightened about loosing Paul.  For selfish reasons, I wanted that relationship to continue.  If I had thought about it then, I would have understood exactly what was happening, especially to Paul and accepted his decision to disappear.

This is a question I always ask myself.  Why is it always us who suffer at the hands of other people?  Well I suppose, as I briefly touched upon, at the beginning of my blog today, it has much to do with our vulnerability as individuals.  Personally I am a giver, not a taker.  The more I gave people, the more they wanted from me.  I always handed out, in most cases more than I could afford and all this did, was make people take from me in ever great numbers.  At the time, I was working, as I had always done and they saw for all intense and purposes, a cash cow to be milked or abused.

The fact that I had something that someone else wanted was enough to entice the worst elements into my life, just like Paul's.  To be honest, when I look  back the bad people I am talking about, are not the ones I thought they were.  Many of those, I believed were taking advantage of me, were nothing more than victims themselves. When you are a casualty equally, your behaviour does tend to change, you almost mimic the abuser.  All us humans have  inbuilt protection and when we are in difficult circumstances, we will lash out, sometimes in the most inappropriate way.  Stress also determines in how we deal with difficult situations.

The biggest factor in why one becomes a victim or not, is to do with you as a person. People have always called me, Mr Nice Guy, a push over or virtuous.  I have a set of standards and morals that I always follow.  I am good to my friends, always help them out and will give them my last penny.  I hold doors open for women, I am respectful to others and will always offer a roof over someones head if they need it.  People do see that and take advantage of my good nature.  Paul was like this too and was used accordingly!

In the end both myself and Paul are equally responsible for what happened to us, as much as those who did what they did.  We allowed ourselves to be taken in by some terrible people and as such we have to take some responsibility for what happened.  In future, to avoid making the same mistakes again, we should learn to read people better. This is a process I am going through now.  I am reading a lot on this subject, as well as sociopaths and bullies and have become very aware of what these people are like.  I will never be able to fully avoid coming up against such individuals, but I can at least learn to be a far better judge.  If I don`t manage to learn, then in all probability, I will end up in the same position again and again and again.  Only time will tell, how well or not, I am working towards my goal.  Rather than becoming introverted and avoiding all people, I am embracing my new life and community, but am now fully aware of the good and bad in this World!

​Peace and love, always!

It's been another blazing hot day today, so having time off meant only one thing, an afternoon at Zest.  I closed my bank account down first today.  I was paying a fee on it each month of 24€, as a non Spanish resident.  Since I do not get any wages paid into my account and no bills are paid from it, I thought I would shut it down, there was no point wasting money. Good with money? what Luke? I hear you say.  Well yes I am these days, budgeting and everything.  It's what you have to do here, to get you through the winter months!

We walked to Zest afterwards for a few drinks.  Bloody Mary for me, white wine spritzer for Jamie and coffee for Darrell.  We had a quick lunch there and a few more bevvies.  It was a hot day, so why the hell not!  Jamie got a bit drunk as he usually does and I spilt tomato juice all over me, when walking into the bar.  Oh and I wasn´t drunk, just clumsy!

I cooked everyone dinner when I got back to Casa Caprice, Irish Stew!  Not as good as I usually make it, I have to say.  I've just finished cooking up meals for the rest of the week to stick in the freezer and with Jason off to work later, I'm going to chill and watch a good film!

​Peace and love always!