Hard Times, Why Me?

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I've just been talking to a dear friend online, I'm going to call him Paul, because of confidentiality. We were talking about the past, the people in it and the dreadful circumstances surrounding our lives.  I actually find it quite easy to talk about what happened to me over the years now.  It has taken a year to be able to get to this stage, but having got there, I am not going to keep my mouth shut. I have had to stay quiet for so long, which is especially hard for someone like me, with a big mouth.  I remember sitting in an office, talking to someone who knew about Sociopathy.  Before they said anything to me, they said the following....

'If you have ever wondered, why your life has been so fu··ed up, you are about to find out why.  What you need to understand is, it´s not you fault.  Somebody had control of your life and you never knew it!'

During the last dreadful year in Southampton, when I was going through the worst period of my life, Paul wasn't there.  He had made the decision to walk away, long before, I knew exactly what was going on in my life.  Like me he was experiencing harsh times.  Defining 'harsh times' is difficult.  What is harsh for one person, isn`t necessarily for another.  It is a combination of many different factors, including your personal and work life, the people who are a part of your circle at the time and the influences surrounding you and or your loved ones!

Good people attract bad people.  Detestable people tend to know who the 'free meal tickets' are and who are easily manipulated.  Bad people are indeed clever people. They use their abilities to cause harm to others.  Without naming names, because that is not appropriate, the worst people in all our lives at the time, were highly intelligent and used their intelligence to gain access to us, in the most destructive ways possible.

When you are part of a large group of friends, in our case a gay community, it can be difficult to work out the good from the bad.  Like minded people are not necessarily the same in every sense of the word.  There are good and bad people in every community. Just because you have similar interests, sexualities or friends, it does't mean they are as good as you.  People are individuals and exhibit very different traits. I have written before about personally being a bad judge of character, and in my opinion, remember this is just my view, the people I and others used to hang around duped us into believing they were our closest friends.  They are good actors, who are great at telling a story, a shed load of lies or pretending to be a victim, in order to get what they want out of others.  The sad thing is, I knew many, many plebeians like that. On the surface they projected an image of companianship that each of us desire, in order to feel wanted or be included.  These influences know how to read people and are good at telling people like me, what I want to hear.  

It did seem that this riffraff came into mine and Pauls life, at a time when we were vulnerable, open to suggestion and not in the best place, either mentally or physically. The dregs are good at pin pointing times in ones life when those most susceptible need them, or rather feel like they need them most.  As I say, they are very intelligent people and we fall for it every time.

I get scared about what happened to me and what potentially could have transpired, if I had not got out when I did.  Equally this was the case for others in our circle of friends at the time.  Each of us had to make a decision about our own lives, without a thought for those who surrounded us.  When one feels one has to walk away, one should always follow ones own advice.  Hanging around to endure more of the same would be a mistake.  Never feel guilty for doing what you have to do.  What do you think would have happened, if you had stayed around?  Would you still be here today?  Would you have achieved what you have? and would you really have learned any lessons?

The truth is, none of us know what would have happened if we had done things differently, how could we.  We chose to do, what was right for us at the time.  After speaking to Paul, he is in a much better situation than he was.  That in itself proved that what he did was right.  If I personally look back at that time, I am fully aware now, of what both he and I were going through.  I was of course upset that Paul felt the need to walk away, but completely understand why now, even if I didn't back then.  At that stage in my life, I was in a particularly bad place, wanted a friendship I couldn't have any longer and was frightened about loosing Paul.  For selfish reasons, I wanted that relationship to continue.  If I had thought about it then, I would have understood exactly what was happening, especially to Paul and accepted his decision to disappear.

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Why us?

This is a question I always ask myself.  Why is it always us who suffer at the hands of other people?  Well I suppose, as I briefly touched upon, at the beginning of my blog today, it has much to do with our vulnerability as individuals.  Personally I am a giver, not a taker.  The more I gave people, the more they wanted from me.  I always handed out, in most cases more than I could afford and all this did, was make people take from me in ever great numbers.  At the time, I was working, as I had always done and they saw for all intense and purposes, a cash cow to be milked or abused.

The fact that I had something that someone else wanted was enough to entice the worst elements into my life, just like Paul's.  To be honest, when I look  back the bad people I am talking about, are not the ones I thought they were.  Many of those, I believed were taking advantage of me, were nothing more than victims themselves. When you are a casualty equally, your behaviour does tend to change, you almost mimic the abuser.  All us humans have  inbuilt protection and when we are in difficult circumstances, we will lash out, sometimes in the most inappropriate way.  Stress also determines in how we deal with difficult situations.

The biggest factor in why one becomes a victim or not, is to do with you as a person. People have always called me, Mr Nice Guy, a push over or virtuous.  I have a set of standards and morals that I always follow.  I am good to my friends, always help them out and will give them my last penny.  I hold doors open for women, I am respectful to others and will always offer a roof over someones head if they need it.  People do see that and take advantage of my good nature.  Paul was like this too and was used accordingly!

In the end both myself and Paul are equally responsible for what happened to us, as much as those who did what they did.  We allowed ourselves to be taken in by some terrible people and as such we have to take some responsibility for what happened.  In future, to avoid making the same mistakes again, we should learn to read people better. This is a process I am going through now.  I am reading a lot on this subject, as well as sociopaths and bullies and have become very aware of what these people are like.  I will never be able to fully avoid coming up against such individuals, but I can at least learn to be a far better judge.  If I don`t manage to learn, then in all probability, I will end up in the same position again and again and again.  Only time will tell, how well or not, I am working towards my goal.  Rather than becoming introverted and avoiding all people, I am embracing my new life and community, but am now fully aware of the good and bad in this World!

​Peace and love, always!

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