I have suffered with anxiety and depression for many years, which I cope with remarkably well these days. When people look at you, they don't really see the full story. On the surface I am a happy, cheerful and accommodating person, deep down, I am nothing but. Those who are closest to me, understand the difficulties I go through, but unless you live in my body, you will never fully appreciate the depression that makes me who I am.

There are many reasons why I have depression, many of which have been discussed in this and other blogs I have written, but the biggest factor in why I am the individual I am, is really my sexuality. I never used to like who I was; as a child growing up gay, I was always aware of my differences and realised I was different from most of my peers, consequently, I have always found friendships difficult, afraid that being gay would influence others views of me. For most of my childhood, I kept myself, very much to myself and led a very insular life as a result. When you are hiding a secret, the last thing you want is people knowing who you really are.

Depression brought about from bullying, loneliness and an inability to be myself dominated my life for years and the truth is I have never really recovered from it, still experiencing depressive episodes today. I have however learnt to cope with dark moods and outwardly you would never see the cloud that hovers above me.

For the first time in my life, I am actually doing what I want to do and not what others expect of me. Importantly, I don't have just one job, I actually have three, this way I find each day is different and I don't ever feel unfulfilled. Working in a supermarket, behind a bar and volunteering, together give me a sense of satisfaction, that I have never felt before. These positions bring out contrasting sides of my personality and I am able to enjoy each day, knowing that tomorrow will be different. If I am not working, I am blogging and writing, which also allows me to concentrate on myself, my lonely side, the selfish, self indulgent part of my personality, that details my inner thoughts and feelings, the side of me that people read about each day in this blog. Blogging is the most positive aspect of my life, but it isn't something I could do everyday. Being wrapped up in ones own sense of self importance is a sure way to detach oneself from the reality of life. I have been there before and suffered as a result.

Of course the happiest places are those spent with other people. At Cancer Research I am surrounded by friends. Everyone I work with in Commercial Road are now close and I hold them in the highest regard. These benevolent people have given me a sense of purpose in my endeavours, witnessing the best side of human nature. Their advice and conversation has got me through some very testing times over the last year and a half and without them I could well have sunk to new lows.

Equally colleagues and customers at The Newcome have also become close comrades and people I enjoy spending time with. The evening I work behind the bar in this backstreet pub, are always enjoyable and something I look forward to. People often turn round to me and ask 'why do you work so damn hard, why don't you just take a step back and relax a bit more?' The only answer I can give, is because I am genuinely happy with my lot in life and that is all that matters. I spent far too long in the past dealing with episodes of depression; now I have learnt to deal with it, I am going to make the most of however long I have left!

My life really hasn't been easy or conventional. I have had to deal with a lot of emotional stress which has taken a massive toll on my physical well-being. Many of the ailments I have today are  a direct result of the disadvantages I endured in the past. I was part of the last generation of homosexuals to be discriminated against for being who they were and this was a major stumbling block in coping with life. Happiness and contentment, not money and prestige are the most important factors when determining my direction now. Doing things that allow me to finally be the person I want to be is worth all the tea in China. Growing up feeling abandoned by society is hard, but I am pleased I have finally found a way to deal with the demons of the past and am at last enjoying the life I should have had!

On Thursday of last week, I managed to catch up with a family friend, author, radio presenter and contributor to 'Roaming Brit,' Debra Rufini. I have very little time to myself these days, let alone being able to spend time with those who are important in my life, so with a few spare hours on my hands, I paid Debra a visit at her home in Portsmouth.

Debra and I have much in common. We both share an interest in writing and spiritual enlightenment as well as having experience in matters related to Sociopathy and Narcissism, the reason I had come to see her on Thursday.

We have both spoken openly about some particularly dark times in our respective lives and whilst our stories are different, they are most certainly related in the difficulties we both endured. Debra has used her radio show to highlight issues of anti-social behaviour, by interviewing guests who like us, have encountered characters that have proven to be destructive in nature. Sociopathy, Narcissistic Personality Disorder and the implications that surround it, can be painful subjects to discuss, especially with those who have little or no understanding of the contentions involved. However Debra and I sat and chatted over a bottle of Rioja for a solid three hours, both of us trying to find explanations to problems that we have both witnessed first hand.

Debra wanted my advice on some dilemmas she is trying to solve. Currently she needs support, having many questions to ask, as she tries to understand the circumstances that have brought her to a confusing crossroads in her life; a challenging chapter that needs to be firmly closed, is still lingering in the background. As I discovered during my time working for Oxfam and the sociopathic management structure, reactions and responses of a positive nature, are few and far between when dealing with mistreatment in their ranks. Trying to untangle a mess made by a single individual with anti-social personality disorder is virtually impossible to achieve, but for victims it is an important part of the healing process. That puts people like Debra and myself in a very precarious situation. Do we carry on, trying to find answers or should we just forget the past and move on.

Initially I spent several years trying to enact revenge for what I considered to be criminal activity against me and others. I wanted justice for the victims who worked for Britain's biggest charity, but I soon discovered the pitfalls of continuing my fruitless campaign. Oxfam would never admit to such behaviour, so rather than continuing to waste my time and energy, I waited for the truth to eventually come out, as it did in 2018 and then I gave my version of events and finally I was listened to!

Debra is still searching for the truth and I am doing what I can to help her, whatever it takes to put her mind at rest and allow her to continue with her life, without the need to keep recalling events and situations, that so very nearly destroyed her as an individual. As two friends chatting. we were able to navigate the clues and unravel the elements. that added together pointed towards a very familiar pattern of abuse and bullying. In time Debra will also be able to sleep soundly in bed once more, until then I will be there when I can!

Its official, the Charity Commission report detailing abuses carried out by Oxfam has been published and the evidence contained in it is damning, as I believed it would be. Readers of Roaming Brit are well aware of my connection to Oxfam, I worked for them as a Manager between 2008 and 2015. These were testing years; a time when I was given little support or direction by Managers at the top of the chain. I was more or less left to my own devises and always sought help and advice from colleagues, who were also unable to get guidance from a failing Management structure, that hadn't changed since Oxfam was formed in 1948.

The report highlights bullying, intimidation and harassment, perpetrated by a powerful elite who thought nothing of the victims they violated. There was a calculated plan to destroy and discredit employees and volunteers who dared to speak out about their mistreatment across this organisation, both at home and abroad.

Both my partner and I worked for Oxfam at a time of change and we did our best to try and "make poverty history," a mantra used across this charity. The politics of this trust were not always in  step with my own and we were encouraged to support and maintain a connection with left of centre organisations, at the expense of fair and balanced campaigning. There were many times I challenged Managers for their one sided political stance, especially in meetings, but was promptly made to feel wrong or inadequate in front of those who worked alongside me. Having a voice and speaking up against Oxfam's politically motivated appeals was discouraged. A shop I managed was situated in the middle of a large Jewish community, yet we were expected to raise money for the very people who were bombing Israel, almost on a daily basis at the time. This wasn't about supporting Israel over Palestine, it was about objective and impartial working practices, especially at times of elevated tension. Ignoring local and regional concerns was at odds with the ideals Oxfam promoted. We lost many Jewish donors; there seemed to be a crusade, instigated by Oxfam for purely political reasons and it was hurting us as a business. No thought was ever paid to the demographic of the individual areas we served, left leaning motivation always won the day!

The region I worked for was in a mess; personal ambition and vengeance took priority over getting results and I was often in the middle of an altercation or difficult situation between staff or volunteers, who were left bewildered after yet more pressure was piled on them, from Managers who were dismissive of their needs. By 2015 I discovered the extent of bullying in the South West region. Staff were leaving without reason, fabrication and falsohoods were used to discredit their work and I began to notice I was also becoming the target of what I can only describe as immoral behaviour, after I had dared to report my superior for acts of wrongdoing against volunteers. My partner had also become the victim of abuse after he was targeted for reporting a member of staff to Human Resources, when a vulnerable volunteer became the subject of a sustained campaign of bullying. Like me, his views were dismissed and we both became the subject of attacks that continued for two years. Misinformation, lies, threats to us and our property, homophobia and in several recorded cases, sexual harassment were now part of our life; the strain began to take its toll and our health began to suffer!

Inappropriate behaviour by Management was commonplace. I know of at least eight incidences of unspeakable conduct that those closest to me endured. Unable to do anything about the constant attacks, many of us decided to leave. My partner and I left the UK in 2015 to start a new life in Spain, to try and forget our ordeal.

In 2018 I was contacted by the Charity Commission who interviewed me about my time at Oxfam and what these crimes had done to my sense of well-being. I was forthright in my assessment of a culture at Oxfam that sought to destroy personal liberty. I suffered for many years after the events that shaped my life and even today remain unable to forget the evil that so nearly destroyed me. The interviewee was sympathetic and informed me of what the Charity Commission wanted to achieve, as a result of allegations and affirmation made by a cross section of people from all walks of life. She was distressed by what I had to say, disgusted that nothing was done to protect me at particularly difficult times and stunned that my pleas for help fell on deaf ears, ignored by those who were there to look after our protection. This was not just about my immediate superior, this was about the whole organisation, from top to bottom. This was about a corrupt Human Resources department, a union who were complicit in the atrocities committed against victims and their refusal to stand up for their membership and most importantly a CEO who covered up criminal activity across the charity!

Today I spoke to an ex colleague who directed me towards an article about Oxfam. This was a shocking expose detailing the worst transgressions committed by this once respected trust. I was gobsmacked; what had transpired at Oxfam and continues to this day was astonishing, far worse than I expected. A telling paragraph from this report loomed heavily, as I continued to read - "In Britain, investigators found that scores of serious complaints by staff or volunteers in its charity shops were not reported to the authorities, including 11 cases involving potential crimes." This struck a chord with me and told me all I needed to hear. What happened to me and others was an affront to common decency; discrimination and abuse that had no place at Oxfam was mainstream, accepted and considered almost run-of-the-mill. As a result nothing was done to stop the continual cycle of damage that was so rooted in the structure of this organisation.

As a starting point Oxfam must apologise to people like me, so we can continue to rebuild our lives. No amount of compensation will make up for what I endured, but the Charity Commission now needs to help the victims as they learn to live with what occurred, often over prolonged periods of time. Over the next few months I expect to reopen my concerns with the commission and hope they will finally do what Oxfam didn't; offer the support and assistance that all of the victims needed at the time, but were so unsparingly denied. in order to finally close this dreadful chapter in our lives, the commission finally need to listen to the voices that were dismissed for far too long, then and only then can we all move forward positively, emphatically, conclusively and get on with living life once again!

A little over a week ago, I was going through my youtube account checking messages when I came across one from someone at Oxfam, the charity I used to work for four years ago. I started blogging in 2015, because of my experiences working for them. As readers to all my blogs are well aware, my role in this organisation wasn't a happy one and ended in a 'traumatic time,' causing great anxiety and stress for my partner and I. My health and state of mind suffered  and I took the decision to resign. The stories of my time are littered throughout this blog, detailing a period that I had until recently put on the back burner.

The correspondence I received was from a man called Lee, not his real name, but the alias I shall refer to him as during this entry. In one of my youtube videos, I discussed my thoughts and feelings towards the charity I used to be a part of and dedicated my life to. The video in question was taken whilst I was living in Spain, two years after I had left the UK, still dealing with the aftermath of this terrible chapter in my life.

Lee had worked for Oxfam just like me, in a different role, far higher than mine and had also suffered abuse in the same way and wanted to talk about his experiences. The one thing I have discovered from my years blogging, is it is good to offload ones problems, either through scribbling ones recollections down or chatting informally with family, friends and colleagues. For me writing has been a life saver, helping me out more than any other activity since I left Oxfam. Lee on the other hand wanted to talk to someone who had gone through the same distress and hardship as him; luckily he came across my story and we were able to chat on the phone for over an hour a few days ago.

Listening to other people, who have also suffered at Oxfam's hands has become a regular feature in my life. Even today, I get a few dozen emails a day from people either connected to Oxfam or from those who have left and restarted their lives. Lee was lucky, he chose to leave his position and follow a new career in the private sector, something he doesn't regret. Like Lee, I am happy to be working for my current employer, I feel valued and listened to, part of a team and rewarded for all my hard work, unlike the years I spent at Oxfam. I was pleased to hear another survivor was moving forwards and not letting terrible injustices get in the way of their future!

Lee and I discussed our respective encounters and the ordeal we both endured and were surprised at the similarities in our stories and the same names that kept cropping up during our conversation...The usual suspects were still running amok, unchecked and without conscience through Oxfam and people like Lee were getting badly hurt in the process. He also appealed for help on many occasions, but was sidelined, ignored and passed over, his pleas for understanding ridiculed by the very people who should have been there to help. This was indeed a similar account of life at this well known trust and one I was happy to recount again, in order to help someone else, who needs to find closure at the end of a very debilitating period.

Lee described in great detail, just what he went through, sociopathic behaviour in abundance, disgusting bullying abuses that I was very familiar with and all I could do was sympathise with this eloquent, sensitive and empathetic young man. There is very little I can do on the surface to help people like Lee, come to terms with what happened to them, but I can be there to listen and give advice, based on my experiences.  The pain we both tolerated for too long is still very raw and will never go away. It does become easier to live with what transpired at Oxfam, but it will not be possible to move on and finally forget until all those responsible for the mistreatment of me and others are finally brought to justice.

Lee decided not to go down an official route and complain to Head Office directly, he chose to walk away and doesn't regret his decision. He does however want to do something to protect his fellow colleagues from what he went through and I have encouraged him to do what he can. Contacting the Charities Commission, Oxfam's Board of Trusties and his local MP is a great starting point. The more information all of these groups have against Oxfam, the easier it will be to prosecute those who destroyed peoples lives. I wish Lee well and hope he will also consider writing for Roaming Brit in the future!

Today my partner and husband Darrell is celebrating his Birthday, at home in Australia. It is difficult being away from the person you love, especially at times of celebration, so today I thought I would speak briefly about our life together.

We met each other in 1995, whist Darrell was back packing around the UK, initially staying with friends in Newbury and later moving to Southampton. At first I didn't get on with this arrogant Ozzie and we rarely spoke, but gradually over time, we both became friends and later partners. When our relationship began twenty three years ago, we both ran away to Australia with just the clothes on our backs, establishing our relationship together. These were carefree, innocent times, happy days spent at first in London staying in the worst of hotels, with the happiest of memories, before we caught our flight to Perth, and finally Australia itself, a world away from the life I left behind!

We travelled from one side of the World to the other for a few years, eventually settling in Britain. I personally found it very difficult to adjust to Australian life and for twenty years we lived relatively happily in the UK. I say relatively, because our life was never really normal from the get go. Fighting successive Governments, to allow Darrell and I to remain together in the UK on a permanent basis, became a common aspect of our life. Deportation orders, Judicial Reviews and appeals to the Home Office, together with a change of Prime minister, eventually allowed us to stay together unhindered in 2001, after six years of battling.

During those 'bipolarcoaster' years we put much of our life on hold, unable to follow the careers we wanted, because of rules that prevented us from doing so. Both of us drifted from job to job, surviving and enjoying our new found freedoms. A combination of lifestyle and bullying, eventually opened the door for us to follow a new life in Spain. If we thought we battled in Britain, Spain was an altogether more intense period of hardship. The majority of the three years we spent living abroad we lived apart, as Darrell flew to and from Australia caring for his Mother, who was diagnosed with cancer a few months after our arrival.

We fought hard to stay in Spain, Darrell eventually obtaining his right to remain there, after returning indelibly in May 2017. For a while life was good; Darrell worked at Alicante Airport driving and I worked for a bar in Gran Alacant. This brief period of contentment didn't last like most things in our life, after the Spanish authorities threatened to remove his EU license, due to his Australian nationality. At this point we both decided enough was enough and I returned to the UK. Darrell remained in Spain to finish his employment contract and I began the process of reconnecting with family, after my Mother also fell seriously ill.

After four months Darrell returned to the UK before flying  to Australia to care for his ailing Mother, leaving me firmly rooted in Portsmouth, living with family, while my Mum also battles illness. We are both once again living apart for reasons beyond our control, but the enduring strength of longevity ensures we are very much a couple still, and will always be so.

As Darrell celebrates his Birthday with family in Australia, we are more self aware and comfortable with who we are than we ever have been. From a relationship that saw us together 24/7 for our first twenty years together,  to our current circumstances, forging our own unique ways in life independently, for now. The sense of achievement and satisfaction at our forbearance as a couple is palpable; I am proud of us and looking forward to a future that was born from adversity. We will survive because we have to, we are the sum of our own experiences because we have learned to, and we have a history behind us that dictates who we have become.

The milestones in our life our many, the journey is not yet over and I am looking forward to many more happy years together. Happy Birthday Darrell, all my love! x

Yesterday was another busy day for me, working two jobs and having to meet a deadline for an article that is due to be published on Friday. I did however manage to find time to have a brief chat with a friend here in Portsmouth; the subject 'anxiety.' This topic also cropped up the day before, whilst talking with someone else I knew on a very similar subject. I was quite taken aback that these two individuals suffered with anxiety at all. On the surface at least they both seem confident and always articulate in the language they use, one would never believe they experience the fear and disquiet this common condition causes.

I have always endured anxiety to differing degrees, for most of my life. Looking back, it is clear my problems started at school, through bullying and harassment. At the time these acts were ignored and consequently left unchecked; as a result I experienced years and years of nervous apprehension and consternation. The reality was I tolerated abuse everyday, because nothing had been done to stop the tirade of mistreatment experienced from an early age. Growing up with a past that haunts one is difficult to shake off and one does tend to carry around the consequences for many years; in some cases a lifetime.

People cope with anxiety and stress in different ways, some more appropriate than others. Most of us who have agonised have our own set of rules when confronted by a distressing situation; I am no exception. Today I have learnt to combat any set of circumstances I find uncomfortable, because I have had to. Since returning to Portsmouth I haven't encountered any undue discomfort, unlike my final few months living in Spain. The key to overcoming what occurred when I lived in Gran Alacant, was removing myself from the situation. In basic terms I walked away and got out of Spain pretty quickly when I realised I was once again being manipulated. Choosing to return home was the best decision I ever made.

For too long I had ignored the warning signs; foreboding feelings, not trusting my own judgement and believing I was overreacting and wrong, when actually I was right, just a few of the recognisable triggers. The instincts I anticipated were accurate, I just preferred to disregard the seriousness of what I was confronting. It is always important to believe that gut feeling inside and act quickly to avoid further pain. Removing oneself or others is an important step in dealing with feelings of anxiety.

I was interested to hear how others coped with their own demons and intrigued at their choice to isolate and separate themselves from society, in order to remove the source of the hindrance. This isn't the way forward; the loneliness one experiences during the aftermath of such a decision can be more damaging that the anxiety itself. Of course hiding away and closing the door will eliminate those responsible for the way we are feeling, but the long term damage caused by excluding oneself, is a side effect that is difficult to cure.

Today I choose to confront my insecurities headlong and throw myself in at the deep end. If I don't like something, someone or a position I find myself in I embrace it, rather than retreat. Returning home has given me new impetus. I work two jobs, write, blog and volunteer and am about to start a healthy living and wellbeing programme, all having the combined effect of making me feel confident, happy, content and most importantly strong enough to cope with whatever life throws my way.  My active lifestyle, willingness to walk away, disregarding the abusers and strength of character and self belief in myself, has all served to wipe away and shrug off the devil on my back.

Everyone copes with anxious feelings differently, my humble advice is to challenge those feelings and attack the causes precipitously, without a second thought. Don't procrastinate, don't hang around accepting yet more of the same, grab the predicament by the neck, metaphorically of course, and shake the pain away!

On Thursday I made my way to Southampton again, I had to catch up with a few friends, still trying to fit everyone in before I leave the UK. I arrived early, so decided to pop in and see my old Deputy Manager Denise, from my days working at Oxfam.  The last time I saw her, was just before I left for Spain, so we had a lot to talk about. I have emailed her whilst living abroad but today was about chatting about the 'old days,' where we both are now and the future. Life throws up many challenges, many of which Denise and I lived through whilst working for Oxfam but friendship will always overcome adversity. We have much in common because of our past experiences; shared circumstances that will always connect us both together.

It is fantastic to see this lady doing well, after being treated so badly by the charity we both used to work for. I chose to move abroad to forget the past, Denise remained in Southampton, choosing to work for another, more reputable charity and by all accounts is happy and thankful to be where she is today!

The pain I experience everyday from my time working at Oxfam will not go away easily, if at all. I have learnt to live with it, as much as Denise has, but bad memories will never disappear they will just get easier to deal with. I suppose you could call Denise a battler, who works hard to make ends meet. Like all of us who lived through the difficulties Oxfam perpetuated, we all have to get on with living, we can not let these people do any more damage than they already have.

Denise still see's volunteers who worked with us from time to time; Southampton is a small place and faces will always pop up. I think it's probably fare to say, they are all doing remarkably well. It's good to hear that everyone I worked with all those years ago are still upbeat and chipper, as volunteers usually are. They are a unique breed, those who give up their time free and gratis; it is only a shame they were not recognised for their contribution to the sector they embraced.

It is always good to catch up on the local gossip over a cuppa, something I have wanted to do with Denise for so long. Nothing much changes in Southampton, but it is important to reflect over the past, after all I lived in this place for nearly 25 years. Denise like me is hopeful for the future; life will undoubtedly take each of us down many different paths, but at least we will continue to share a bond, that will endure the test of time; that's what friendship is all about!

The decisions that were made affected my work description and processes, so not really something I should have been left out of.  It would have been nice to have been involved in the discussions, but if that wasn’t the plan, then I think it was quite essential to have been informed about the decision, rather than finding out accidentally and realizing that others knew and I didn’t. 

Being included in the discussion would have been beneficial for me, because I am a team of one, as they told me when I started this job a year ago.  “We would like you to run with this job, with the same enthusiasm you have, in all your other positions,” they said.  ‘It’s your baby and you can do whatever you need, to be able to do the job.”  So changing my responsibilities and processes without my involvement, totally didn’t meet with my expectations.  This shouldn’t have come as a surprise to me; I have worked in this company long enough to know, that the exceptions to the rules are the norm.  However, to me these two types of communication are conflicting and confusing, as well as embarrassing and upsetting.

Besides being hurt and disrespected by being left out of the conversation and not being told of important decisions that affect my processes and how I interact with others, with regards to those processes, I felt invisible, unimportant, humiliated, frustrated and demotivated.  Since I am intrinsically motivated to do my work, these feelings work against the sense of ownership of my job and, therefore, my efficiency and production. 
 
Having experienced events that my former manager said ‘really stank’ last year and then the emotional abuse from my trainer in this new job, for about ten months, these more recent communication issues lead me to jump to those thoughts again, believing it is a set up to make me leave.  Unfortunately, the sum total of these events have almost destroyed my confidence and have left me wondering what is wrong with me - hence my decision to visit with a therapist to get a reality check and to arm myself with tools to move forwards.  If I don’t learn these things, then these situations will follow me wherever I go.
 
I have been unable to see my therapist for a few weeks - she is pretty popular!  So being distressed about these events, I turned to ..... the internet.  Yes, I know, not always the most reliable source of information!  When I read things on the web though, I do try to be discerning, discovering who has sponsored the article and look to see what truth I can gleam from each one.  I also like to see if the accounts match my principles and values and are inline with eternal truths, that I find in the scriptures.
 
I came across two articles about ‘being kept out-of-the-loop:
 
•  “The Hidden Dangers of Leaving Someone Out of the Loop” by Heidi Grant Halvorson.
•  “Are you being paranoid about being left out of the loop at work?’ by Allison Hirschiag.
 
I resonated more with Heidi’s report, than I did with Allison.  I felt minimized by Allison’s words, perhaps because the title and contents of of her writing talks about paranoia and I need validation and an understanding of the situation.
 
To summarize Heidi’s article:  First of all it identified that my feelings are reasonable and normal.  ‘You [can] expect the excluded person to be, at the very least, a little annoyed’.  

She said research shows that leaving someone out of the loop, undermines the four fundamental needs:
 
1.  The need for belonging and connecting to others;
2.  Self-esteem;
3.  The need for a sense of control and effectiveness; and
4.  The need for meaningful work.
 
I would probably extend the definition of these four fundamental needs using the six needs of ‘certainty/comfort;' ‘variety;' ‘connection;' ‘significance;' ‘growth;' and ‘contribution’ identified by Derek Doepkoer in ‘The Healthy Habit Revolution.'  These needs drive our behaviour by giving us emotional rewards.  In essence:
 
1.  The need for belonging and a connection to others;
2.  Self-esteem/significance;
3.  The need for control and effectiveness or, in other words, certainty and comfort;
4.  The need for meaningful work which includes variety, growth and contribution.
 
Studies also show that this leaving someone out of the loop communicates rejection.  ‘Human beings are acutely sensitive to social rejection and ostracism’, writes Heidi.  It also generates a perception of low status or standing within the group.  Along with the rejection and the perception of low status, the behaviour has the following consequences:  
 
•  A loss of trust;
•  A loss of loyalty;
•  A loss of motivation; and
•  A loss of connection between a boss or colleagues.
 
Heidi further expounds on whether or not leaving someone out of the loop was an intentional or unintentional act, a person may still feel ostracized because if they were respected or important to the other person, they would have remembered.
 
Heidi advises managers to think long and hard about these issues.  If they plan to intentionally leave someone out of the loop, they should assess the risk of short-term gains, over the longer and more damaging psychological damage that behaviour inflicts and the resulting loss of trust, cooperation, loyalty and motivation.

As much as Heidi addresses the manager’s responsibility, in choosing what action to take regarding this phenomenon, Allison focuses more on the recipient.  She advises them to step back from the situation and to reassess it from a different paradigm.  She suggests that the receiver takes time out, to make sure they are physically fit and emotionally in control, so that their outlook is not distorted.  I think this is good advise as one doesn’t want to act in the heat of the moment.  It is better to be proactive than reactive.
 
Once time has been taken to assess one’s outlook, if the circumstances seem to be the same, Allison recommends talking ‘to a confident at work (or a career coach) ‘ to see if these incidents should be investigated further.  Allison proposes that an option could be to talk to your boss, but with discernment, as to what you should bring up.  Alternatively, one could let it go and learn to live with uncertainty.  I think that the latter is pretty hard to do, as it violates the need for a sense of control, effectiveness, certainty or comfort.  One has to continue to work in a psychologically damaging atmosphere.  Finally, Allison proposes that the recipient has a backup plan and prepares for engagement in another job.
 
In Allison’s article, there was only one affirmation for the recipient’s concerns, regarding being left out of the loop.  She cited that ‘studies at Harvard University have shown, that anxious thoughts can have a negative impact on your productivity - which could lead to you actually losing your job’.  However there were four negative pronouncements.  She states that the recipient should leave paranoia at the door.  To me, to address the recipient’s feelings as paranoia is not very validating.  Yes, one becomes anxious in these situations, but to suggest that one has a mental disorder due to poorly executed management techniques, seems to be adding insult to injury. 

The word ‘paranoia’ is a very strong word with highly negative connotations.  Allison states that leaving people out of the loop, is a common trigger sparking paranoiac behaviour in the office.  She quotes Dr. Menard, who says that recipients ‘expect others to judge them as harshly as they judge themselves, yet they’re almost always wrong.'    Being told that what I feel is wrong or that my perceptions of the situation are not valid, is degrading and demeaning.  
 
On the other hand, I think that Allison is trying to allude, to the extremes one’s thinking can go, especially if one is a perfectionist.  Since I am a perfectionist, you can see an example of this, when I jump to the idea that the whole thing is a set up, to make me leave. 

I also feel that, in my case, being excluded from discussions for process and job changes, that were in the sphere of my responsibilities, devalues me as a person.  It demonstrates that management does not think, that I could come up with a solution to the problem and that my opinions or insights lack value or are meaningless.  It leaves me with a feeling that I don’t belong.  I find the contrast between Allison and Heidi stark on the the reaction of the recipient.  Heidi is saying that it is normal for a human to be angry in this situation, whereas Allison is saying when the recipient reacts, they go to the level of paranoia.
 
Allison winds up her thoughts by concluding ‘If you consistently do good work and add value to the company, there’s often not much more you can do.  For example, layoffs can happen for any number of reasons, few of which are directly related to your individual performance.' This really sums up the powerlessness a recipient can feel, when their managers make a habit of keeping them out of the loop on important decisions, meetings, changes to processes, etc.
 
So having read these two articles, what did I learn and how can I apply it to my situation?  I think that I rejected the paranoiac concepts.  I actually think it is bad manners to not keep someone in the loop;  I don’t care who it is.  I also think it is poor management, creating a divisive atmosphere in a team. Good communication creates unity and increases productivity.  As a recipient of the behaviour, I have zero control over the situation, except to exercise total responsibility for my behaviours and to prepare myself for different employment.  Contesting the issues creates more conflict, especially when one is criticizing one’s own managers, who do not acknowledge their weaknesses or do not want to change.  I fear drawing appropriate boundaries would probably lead to the need to seek other employment, but would leave one’s self-respect intact.  As a leader and teacher in my family and also at church, I can make sure that I try to implement the good practice, of keeping those I interact with in the loop; I can focus on the good in others.  I can respect individuals and our diversity.  I can value all efforts that people make and can emphasis people’s potential and ability to grow.  If I unintentionally mess up, then I can strive to make sure that the person I left out, feels respected and valued.  In my efforts to keep and maintain unity in my family and within my church family, I can expect a high degree of bonding, loyalty, motivation and an effectiveness in our efforts to work together.

                           apenelopewren@gmail.com