With Storm Eunice causing havoc across the UK today, I have decided to stay inside with Darrell. Each year I have a 'personal day,' time off from work, over and above my normal holiday, and it just so happened to fall on the day, the biggest storm in a generation hit the south coast of England. To be honest, it has just given me the opportunity to relax, chill and take some much-needed time for myself. I am mindful of just how bad this storm could be, however. Looking outside the window, the strong winds are clear to see; rubbish and debris is blowing in the air during strong gusts and walls and fences have collapsed in the street.

Sitting, reflecting on today's storm force winds, I am left wondering just what is going on, in this chaotic World we are living in. If you could transport me back to 2019, I would gladly leave tomorrow. The last few years, since the loss of my Mother, have been terrible in every respect. The Pandemic emphasises just how awful the planet has become. The scenes on our television sets, recording mounting deaths daily, brought home the scale of mother nature. I have suffered from low mood and depression for quite a number of months now; with more and more bad news, from every part of the planet, highlighted on our television screens daily, there are times, I just want to hide away and forget this time exists.

As a child, I was always fearful of war. Growing up in the 1980s, during the height of the Cold War, I was always aware of what could happen. I would spend night after night worrying about nuclear war, especially after watching the film 'Threads.' This film documented a fictional nuclear attack on the city of Sheffield; its powerful imagery has always remained with me. As communism collapsed, so the Cold War ended and the World seemed a much safer place to live. The threat of war quickly receded and the nightmares I had as a child disappeared; finally, I could breathe a sigh of relief.

Nothing is forever, as they say; with a despot like Putin in charge of Russia, it looks like we are heading into another Cold War. Tensions are high in Ukraine and Western nations have warned we could even be on the cusp of a dangerous European war, at the end of the COVID-19 pandemic. This is a time in history that appears to be the most dangerous in my lifetime. 2022, isn't a great time to be alive, I have never felt so uneasy. I believe we are heading into a period of great turmoil, but more importantly, change; a crossroads in all our lives.

If I was a religious man, I would say that it really does feel like the 'end of days' at the moment. The World seems chaotic, directionless and, with the rise of dictators like Putin, without moral compass. The pandemic has highlighted just how vulnerable we are and how easy it is to upset the delicate environmental balance that keeps us in check. I have never understood the inhumane nature of people. Whether a tyrant ruling a country or a sociopath at the top of Oxfam, these individuals exist, to the detriment of the rest of us. There is very little we can do on the surface to rid ourselves of cretinous leaders who lord over us, but we can distance ourselves from the worst influences in our own lives.

I have tried very hard to change my life for the better, especially during this pandemic. The last two years reminds me very much of my own struggles in life. Just as you think you have turned a corner for the better, something else comes along to push you right back to where you started. The next few years will more than likely be more of the same, so it looks like we will have to batten down the hatches and make the most of what we have. I very much look forward to a time, when we can live in peace and normality, but until then, we can always remember the good times… Times that will most certainly return once again!

It was my absolute pleasure to be interviewed for the 'Artist First Radio Network,' and the 'Debra Rufini' show this week. Debra was engaging as ever, as we both spoke about the issues important to us. I was able to talk at length, for an hour, about my life, blogging, my campaign against bullying and my experience growing up gay in the 1970s/80s.

As a blogger, it is important to get my message across to my readership, so when the lovely Debra Rufini approached me for an interview, I was delighted to oblige. I have listened to her show numerous times and followed her radio programme with interest. Talking about a wide range of subjects, her interviews have always struck a chord with me. From spirituality, writing, narcissism and bullying, her topic of conversation, never fails to inform and entertain. My small contribution has allowed me to finally speak about subjects close to my heart, with a person who understands the mission statement of 'Roaming Brit.'

I felt relaxed talking with Debra, through a medium I have never used before. The radio is a great way for me to get my message across to others; expressing my feelings, vocally, has been an empowering experience. After listening to the broadcast yesterday, I was happy to have been given the opportunity to tell a small part of my story.

The original reasons for creating 'Roaming Brit' all those years ago, are still there and my passion about ending bullying and abuse in all its forms, is as important today as it was then. Debra and I have much in common; our shared values and beliefs come across in an interview that spanned nearly an hour. For me, it was a cosy chat with a friend, but it is also a programme that explored my character, sentiment and conviction. Debra made me remember why I blog, who I blog for, how it has shaped my life and, more seditiously, just how much trauma I have suffered throughout.

My sexuality is the common factor that linked every component in the interview. This is the one single theme, that has really been responsible for the decisions I have made and the challenges I have faced. This connection was at the forefront of my mind during my chat with Debra and continues to dominate my life, even today. From bullying and writing, to childhood and family, homosexuality has been the most tenacious obstacle to my sense of self-worth. It has controlled my life and has made me the person I am today. It isn't until you listen back to a conversation or, in this case, a dialogue on a radio show, that you realise, just what shaped your future direction. If only all of us were accepted for who we are, we wouldn't have to go through the terrible pattern of injustice, that many LGBTQ+ people suffer daily.

My sincere hope, is this interview will help others, who are suffering from bullying. I have written so much about the subject, that I was glad to be able to finally tell my story. Debra was wonderful at making me feel at ease and comfortable, so I felt in a position to tell my narrative, in a way I wanted to, not how others would have demanded. Bullying and abuse are serious issues that need to be addressed, and it is only by talking, that you are able to see through fog. The 'smoke and mirrors' effect, so often used by abusers to muddy the water and make you feel guilty, is a difficult method of manipulation to see through. Listening to other stories, is a great way of understanding the sinister processes at play.

Do take a listen to the podcast of the broadcast on YouTube, which I have included in the link above, and of course let me know what you think. I would of course like to thank Debra and all those at The Debra Rufini Show for their support and for the opportunity to tell my story. I have been amazed by the positive feedback I have received and hope it isn't too long before you hear from me again. Roaming Brit survives, because of its readership and I hope you will all take a moment, to sit and listen to my experiences, in this crazy World we all live in.

This radio interview is dedicated to all those who have suffered and continue to suffer abuse. Many of you helped me come to terms with my struggles, and for that I am truly thankful. Without your love and support, I wouldn't be here today!

I've always had a keen interest in all things spiritual, believing in an afterlife and the power of mediums to channel energy. Whilst searching through some personal items today, I came across a cassette tape, produced by Terri Day in 2002, during a psychometric reading I had with her in December of that year. To be honest, listening to that recording today, I have been transported backwards twenty years. I remember the conversation I had with her in her House in Salisbury. She was an extremely nice, agreeable person, who through the power of jewellery, tried to analyse me and my life. Terri came highly recommended by a friend and at the time, sceptically, I took the plunge and booked an appointment to see her.

In many respects I have always been open to people like Terri; I really do believe there are people who can see past the earthly plane we live on. As a person who is constantly seeking answers for different aspects of life, Mediumship offers a way to make sense of confusion, in a way we can't always determine ourselves.

I have included an extract from the recording on that day, so readers can make what they will of her abilities. At the time I thought she was remarkably accurate in her assessment of my life, but much of what she said could have been interpreted in any number of ways. She didn't really tell me anything enlightening or miraculous; in fact she misunderstood many aspects of my life, especially my personal life. Her evaluation was completely off kilter, referring to my partner Darrell as 'her' and not even understanding we were living and working together on a daily basis. Today, listening to the recording I am disappointed at her reading and can only come to the conclusion, that she wasn't necessarily the person she claimed to be.

That is quite difficult for me to say, admitting that a Clairvoyant wasn't accurate, but that is the truth of my experience; I can't say I recognised much of what she said. I am not saying for one-minute Miss Day was fraudulent or deceptive in nature, but I don't believe she had clairvoyant ability. Nevertheless, Terri sparked an inquisitiveness in the supernatural side of life for me. Her reading in 2002 was the beginning of an interest in the occult that still remains prominent and part of who I am.

I began to read and appreciate the different ways one can tap into the unconscious and really understand a person. I spent the next ten years studying Chiromancy or Palmistry to the layman and entered a World that gripped my imagination. So obsessed with the meaning of life and how to interpret our journey in this World, I turned my interest into a passion, that still exists today.

I would often read friends and strangers hands and would not only surprise myself, but also others, in just how much you could tell about another person, just by looking at the lines on the palmar surface. I have often been blown away by the circumstances and events I have seen mapped before me; I truly believe all of us have the ability to understand ourselves more, by looking at the lines on our hands, but acknowledge it isn't always possible for everyone to grasp that narrative before them.

In complete contrast to Clairvoyance, Palmistry offers a tangible insight into a persons mind. Mediumship relies on faith and a belief in an individual; we are hopeful they are honest and true and can do what they portend, but there will always be an element of trust involved. A Medium can research and investigate, to obtain information by dishonest means. Only the person having a reading can really determine if it is sincere and reliable. Throughout my audience with Terri, I didn't feel entirely comfortable with her commentary and if I am brutally honest, she didn't really understand who I was at all.

Then of course there was the so-called psychic who had spent three months living with my dead Grandmother. When a work colleague contacted me, claiming of her ability to contact the afterlife, including my Grandmother, I was in no position to disbelieve her. This unscrupulous person even came to my home as a trusted friend and confidante, to help Darrell and I meditate and open our minds to the concept of the spirit world. Spending an hour 'opening our chakras,' she spuriously pretended to help us see past our own scepticism. Self-evidently, it was all nonsense and this unethical reprobate, just wanted to cause us maximum hurt and pain. For a while I did believe her and thought she was a friend, but as time moved on, I saw past the lies and her disruptive shenanigans, discovering she wasn't the person I thought she was. Most people understood her true nature at the time and could only shrug, hold their hands in the air and say, they told us so. I only had myself to blame, wanting to believe in her more than anything else; I was blinded from the truth!

My next brush with the transcendental came with a trip to see my all-time hero 'Psychic Sally,' at The Mayflower Theatre in Southampton. I used to watch her television show all the time, as often as I could. When I found out she was going on tour, I just had to go. I had high expectations for the evening, but sadly ended up very disappointed. Her live performance was particularly mediocre, and I didn't feel she was genuinely tapping into the spirit World. My interest in her diminished shortly afterwards and her perceived lack of ability turned me away from parapsychology completely, as I sort answers to problems elsewhere. I am not saying for one minute that Sally Morgan was a fake, far from it, but she just didn't connect with me, in a way I hoped she would; for someone seeking answers, that is important!

Today, I continue to read palms when I can and still have that curiosity in divination, I think I probably always will. I have a packet of tarot cards, placed under my bed, wrapped in a silk scarf and often ask them questions. I watch 'Most Haunted,' read my horoscope in the newspaper and stumble across fortune telling websites; Yes, I still have an enthusiasm for anything that can't be explained. However, I am more realistic with rationales and remain a sceptic, until convinced to the contrary. Something inside me will always want to believe, no matter how much I am persuaded otherwise, but until I really understand the nature of spirituality, I will continue to wrestle with my conscience, searching for aggregates and reading between the lines!

To be honest, I've not had the best of weeks; these past seven days, the weather has been particularly awful and I've just felt like hibernating. I am an Anglophile through and through and love most things British, but the winter just gets me down. The cold and damp has always played havoc with my joints and I really have been experiencing a lot of rheumatic pain, something I avoided when living in Spain. If there was ever a reason to return to Iberia, this is the main one; if it wasn't for the pandemic, I would be on a plane right now, heading for the sun.

I have been trying to catch up on some reading, a pleasure I just haven't had time for until recently. With a busy life, I just don't seem to be able to sit down and escape into a good book; lockdown II has changed all that. About three months ago I started to read 'Too Much and Never Enough' by Mary Trump. This book is written by Donald Trump's Niece and exposes the President for the narcissistic person he really is; it is an insight into the 'real' man who reached the highest office in The United States. This was the book that really began to open my eyes up, to what Donald Trump is really all about and it is a fascinating read.

In the middle of the week we finally discovered who won the United States election; it was a relief to discover that Joe Biden would be the next President and the World would finally see the back of Donald Trump. The last four years have been traumatic, a disaster for the World; one man has single-handedly destroyed the reputation of a country and personally overseen the deaths of a quarter of a million Americans, in the midst of the biggest crisis to envelope the World in a hundred years.

Both Darrell and I have witnessed the like of Donald Trump before. Working for Oxfam taught us a great many lessons, about the terrible nature of sociopathic and narcissistic personalities. Both of us suffered for years at the hands of people, who only thought about themselves and couldn't care less whether we lived or died. I have written a lot about this subject and even gave evidence to the Oxfam inquiry, against people who had no place in normal society. I had my day, I was finally given a voice and I learnt to never  trust anyone again.

The Trump Presidency has highlighted some truly terrible injustices and has given rise to bigotry, discrimination and legitimised racism and intolerance. I have felt a deep sense of sadness and upset at what civilisation has become; the rise of nationalistic hate and the lies' perpetuated by a man who was unfit to govern. Today I am living in a World I don't recognise and a period in time that has shamed us all. Those who have turned a blind eye to what has transpired, are responsible for the hate, acrimony and contempt, directed towards anyone who is different, to what others perceive as normal. This has not been a great time to be alive; I have wished to return to the old normal so many times; I miss my previous life, my husband and the dreams I had.

The election of a new President should begin  a process of healing, not only for Americans, but for the rest of the World. It is true to say that the Trump era has caused me no end of stress, just because of who he is and what he stands for. I have always been an anxious person, but turning on a television set and watching a man, so animated with rage and anger, provoking the rest of us into reacting negatively, has been a tremendously debilitating and exhausting time; it has caused great damage to the psyche of any balanced, rational and sensible, level-headed person. Like most of us, I need a rest from all this disarray and time to recover from this lamentable chapter in history.

I would like to congratulate the new President of the United States and wish him well in his new brief. Bringing America, indeed the rest of the planet back together again, after four years of hell isn't going to be easy. He has a Herculean task ahead of him, helping to pick up the pieces of a broken planet. The end of Presidents Trump's Presidency should be the beginning of hope and renewal; empowering a nation, where everyone feels included should be the first steps, at the start of a COVID free World. I am confident, that in time, all of us will conquer our demons, regain the empathy we lost and finally lay the 45th President of the United States to rest!

The World does seem to be in a constant state of flux at the moment. The pandemic is still raging across continents, taking lives indiscriminately, creating uncertainty and leaving a trail of death and destruction that will take generations to mitigate. After the death of George Floyd, the 'Black Lives Matter' (human rights organisation) campaign is gathering pace globally, as black people fight for equality and campaign against violence and systematic racism towards black people. And all of us juggle our ever decreasing finances to make ends meet, as unemployment continues to rise, in the wake of COVID-19. These are strange, difficult and thought-provoking times, a period that will be talked about for years to come. The adversities all of us face on a daily basis, do indeed make us who we are and with circumstances the way they are I am reminded of my own battles, many of which I still fight today!

I was always a child who suffered at the hands of bullies. I knew I was gay from about the age of eleven and consequently found it hard to hide who I was. Back in the early 1980s, it was not acceptable to be homosexual  and I suffered physically and mentally as a result. When I look back at my school days I shudder at just how bad they were and what I had to do to survive. There was of course an element of lying about who I was, but there was more than that. I knew I was different, found men attractive and couldn't be who I wanted to be, but I was still a young boy growing up at a time of great prejudice, with feelings that were so different to my peers and as a result I became a 'self isolating outcast,' spending the majority of the time on my own, away from others, for fear of being attacked or worse, for who I was.

Of course when one spends too much time on ones own, the real battles outside turn to conflicts in the mind. My mental health became fragile, from an early age, but without the help and support people are accorded today, I tried and failed miserably, to overcome some dark and distressing periods. I often felt deeply depressed and alone and more worryingly had suicidal thoughts, that overtook my life. While my friends were growing up 'normally' enjoying all the activities 'normal' kids enjoy, I rapidly became more and more insular, afraid and scared of the future.

At the same time, AIDS impacted all our lives, rather like the pandemic of today and my sexuality became even more of a problem; I cried every night wrestling with fears that were spiralling out of control. I believed being gay would kill me and I wouldn't be able to stop it. I had no one to talk to, since the Government of the time introduced 'Section 28' prohibiting any conversations with professionals, who could have helped and life became even more pained than it was already. By the time I left school in 1987, I was a nervous wreck, with nowhere to turn, turning to alcohol and cigarettes for support.

The early 90s was a time of great liberation; I finally found myself and accept my lot in life. I attended Pride marches, joined the Anti-Nazi League and began fighting for my right to exist as a gay man. There were set backs and phases when I questioned my sexuality, but this was due to other people opinions and their destructive influences. I was attacked several times and on one occasion thrown into the back of a car and beaten for over an hour, finally thrown out in a ditch at the side of the road, where, battered and bruised I made my way home. The constant assaults and barrage of abuse  made me even more determined to carry on being me and I became physically stronger as a result. Despite this my mental health was in tatters and depression and suicide raised their ugly heads again.

When I met my current husband in 1995, I was ready to settle down with someone I truly loved and that is where my biggest struggle began. Darrell was Australian, and we were both embarking on a same-sex relationship during a time when we were not recognised as a couple. In law, we were denied the right to live together and were told to move to Australia or another country that recognised the nature of our relationship; there was literally no precedent in place to allow us to coexist in Britain. You have to remember this was a time when discrimination was rife, commonplace and endemic in British culture, and we had to fight hard to establish our credentials as a partnership.

Initially we moved to Australia and back again, finally ending up back in Perth for a second time, with the intention of living there for the rest of our lives. Circumstances dictated our next move; Labour won the next General Election of 1997, and we made a last ditched attempt to restart our life in the UK, when the New Labour Government changed the law to finally recognise our relationship. The next five years were tough as we fought the system through much hardship in order to remain in the country. The damage to both our careers, health and sense of well-being was beyond measure, but in the early 2000s Darrell was finally granted 'Indefinite Leave to Remain,' and we could finally start living, six years after we got together.

The battles I fought then are carried around with me still, a reminder that together we can overcome anything. When both of us became the victims of bullying, we decided, once again to carry on fighting. This was one of the biggest challenges of our life, and we went through the motions, followed the rules and did what we could to hold our heads high. In the end, we won the battle, but decided to leave the UK altogether and start a new life somewhere else, this time in Spain, away from the memories that had haunted us for so long. From then on, the World was our oyster, or, so we thought, until events once again conspired to change the course of our life.

Since 2016 we have lived apart for most of the year, while Darrell helps his Mother deal with the spectre of Cancer. I have returned to the UK and continue to do what I can to survive during difficult times. Both of us are also dealing with our own health issues, built up over many years of stress and anxiety and do what we can to support one another. Even today, as we both contend with a pandemic that is keeping us apart on opposite sides of the World, we both remain committed and focused on our relationship. The battles we fought at the beginning have really taught us much about staying the course and each of us have an undying sense of purpose as we traverse the later stages of our life together.

In 2015, I started blogging, to write about my experiences working for Oxfam. My time as a Manager for the biggest international charity in the country didn't end well, after a prolonged period of harassment and bullying, and I was glad to lay my eight years of employment to rest. In the main I enjoyed working for and promoting this organisation, but the last ten months were intolerable and not an experience I want to repeat. I wrote about my challenges frequently, trying to make sense of just what happened during my time at Oxfam and to my surprise I came into contact with other employees who had and were still suffering from bullying, abuse and discrimination. These were the people that helped me through some terribly dark days and individuals I still have a connection with today. Every person I communicated with helped me get through this difficult tenure, many of whom still message today.

On Thursday I heard from Lee, an ex employee of Oxfam, someone I have spoken to before and  a person I wrote about on the 10 March last year. Lee, like me suffered some dreadful bullying and torment whilst in post at Oxfam and didn't know where to turn. Last year, he contacted me via my channel on youtube and asked if he could phone to have a chat, about are shared experiences. I was not only delighted to hear from Lee, but I was also happy to do what I could to help him come to terms with what happened. Lee suffered as I suffered and many others still suffer; People like Lee are the reason why I write about bullying and want to see Oxfam brought to account for what they did to me and many others who worked for them!

Lee wanted to thank me for encouraging him to speak up and contact people who could really make a difference in closing this dreadful chapter in his life. He has managed to take the first steps in making his story heard. For so long, he has kept what happened to him a secret, in fear of what may happen if he speaks out, but after much thought and soul search, talking to others and contacting me, he has finally begun to vanquish the demons that haunt his life.

We spoke on the phone for a little under an hour, it was great to catch up from where we left off 363 days ago. This was a young man who had become strong and able to deal with the circumstances that dominated his life for so long. There was a change in his voice and tone, and he sounded confident and self-assured. Although he had moved on from those dark days at Oxfam physically, he was still suffering from the effects of bullying, rather like a victim suffers from PTSD. Neither Lee nor myself will ever really get over what happened to us, but we can learn to live with the aftermath, and he has come a long way in helping himself to finally become the person he wants to be.

I am proud that this blog has given Lee hope, he was more than generous in his assessment of  Roaming Brit and I couldn't thank him enough for his continued support. The bullying I suffered from those in charge at Oxfam were truly terrible and tore my life apart, but people like Lee have allowed me to rebuild in a way I would have never thought possible. Today I am able to spend quality time writing and discussing the behaviour that surrounds bullying and use my conclusions to help others who would otherwise suffer in silence. Lee spoke to me because he needed an outlet, an outlet he wouldn't have had otherwise. His experiences also brought back many terrible memories for me, but recollections I wouldn't otherwise have faced my self. Our shared encounters have been a blessing. I have been able to analyse my time working for Oxfam and learn from my mistakes, noticing the signs of manipulation far more easily!

Lee's quest for closure continues, long after mine has come to an end, which is understandable, considering the pain he went through and I will be here for him every step of the way. He has become a benchmark for the decisions I take now, trying to come to terms with my own memories. I know we will always have a connection that will help guide one another towards a better future, without the need to forever relive our time at Oxfam. Someone, far wiser than me, who had been through much worse than I once said that 'the torture I suffer today will last for the rest of my life, but it will gradually fade into the background,' that I understand well! I am a very different person today than I was in 2015 and am able to deal with the bullying in a way I was never able to before. Lee will also do the same eventually; yes it is a long road, but there is light at the end.

Light comes in many forms and Just a few weeks ago I was approached by an old colleague, who I haven't heard from in over five years, too scared to reach out before. They asked if I had finally found peace after Oxfam, after much thinking I nodded my head and said 'yes absolutely.' The disgusting treatment I endured was now firmly a distant memory, but I will always remember it for the lessons it taught, the people I met, the friends who walked away and the future I now forge. My life is far better now, than it ever was. I am doing things, I would never have dreamt of doing a few years ago, and I am a survivor, when so many weren't. Strength comes from our ability to survive in the most horrendous circumstances and with every breath I take, I will always do what I can to help anyone who suffered the way I did! Bullies will never win, they grow less important with every day that passes; one day they will disappear completely!

Whether this is an appropriate blog entry so soon after the  death of TV presenter Caroline Flack, is a matter of opinion. For me, this is entirely congruous, especially at this time. Turning on ones television set this morning, one couldn't escape the news that Ms Flack, the former host of 'Love Island,' had killed herself as a result of a sustained media campaign to bully and intimidate her because of her involvement in an alleged attack against her then boyfriend Lewis Burton. The circumstances of  the incident were fiercely contested by both parties involved, but however, used by the media, especially the British tabloid press, as a catalyst for some truly heinous and provocative headlines. The abuse and mistreatment Caroline endured was most certainly the beginning of the end for the talented television presenter; her untimely death, a reminder of bullying that anyone of us could suffer at any time.

Suicide has played a prominent role in my life I'm sad to say, not in the literal sense, but as an onlooker from the sidelines. I witnessed many young friends take their own lives, because  of the turmoil of growing up homosexual at an age when we had no rights as a community. Coming to terms with who we are was a big deal for most us and so many other gay people from my generation.

Psychological and mental health issues were common place amongst my peers. Discovering I was gay was not the liberating experience it is today. I myself suffered trauma and bullying for many years, just because of my sexuality and have contemplated and attempted suicide, because of the negative circumstances I found myself in.  Suicide is a deeply personal experience and no one can describe the pain and deep sense of loss and foreboding you go through as a person. Suicide is not an act you consider or carry out lightly, it is a final call for help and a much-needed release from demons you can no longer control.

When Caroline Flack decided to take her own life, she would have been at her lowest ebb and unable to control emotions that she had kept in check for too long. The pressure and attacks she suffered during her final few days and her subsequent death, show just what bullying can do to someone. This was another death where the media had blood on their hands, like so many before. A high profile celebrity if you like, who could no longer cope with the lies and mistruths that were touted as accurate portrayals; nothing could have been further from the truth!

I am sure I will be criticised for writing about the death of a celebrity, whilst commenting on my own experiences, but it is important to express a view freely on controversial subjects that wouldn't otherwise be brought to the attention of the public. Suicide is rarely discussed and the reasons behind it are often covered up and hidden away. Just as I would sit around a breakfast table with my family as a young boy and discuss the daily headlines in the newspaper, so I will communicate my opinion on difficult, uncomfortable topics today. The death of Caroline Flack has highlighted subjects that wouldn't otherwise be talked about and it is the duty of a writer to bring those subjects to the attention of their readers, as I have done in this entry. The stark reality of death has conjured up some uncomfortable memories for me and my family and I feel compelled to write about them, while this talking point remains fresh in my mind.

Nothing can explain just how angry I felt this morning when I heard about the death of Caroline. I didn't know her or even watch any of her shows, but her struggle became a source of personal angst, as I remembered just what had transpired in my life. The bullying I suffered at the hands of others, ending with my time at Oxfam is very much at the forefront of my thoughts once again. The death of a celebrity has reopened some old wounds, recollections I thought were laid to rest but clearly were not.

All of us should mourn the passing Caroline Flack, whether we knew her or not. Another life has been lost to suicide. The reasons why someone chooses to take their own life are complex and unique to each individual concerned. As people, we should all understand the signs that lead  to such despair and do all we can to help and understand before passing judgement. Caroline's story is not an isolated one, learning why suicides occur is an important first step in recognising the stigma that surrounds this subject. More lives will be saved if only we took the time to listen!

On Thursday of last week, I managed to catch up with a family friend, author, radio presenter and contributor to 'Roaming Brit,' Debra Rufini. I have very little time to myself these days, let alone being able to spend time with those who are important in my life, so with a few spare hours on my hands, I paid Debra a visit at her home in Portsmouth.

Debra and I have much in common. We both share an interest in writing and spiritual enlightenment as well as having experience in matters related to Sociopathy and Narcissism, the reason I had come to see her on Thursday.

We have both spoken openly about some particularly dark times in our respective lives and whilst our stories are different, they are most certainly related in the difficulties we both endured. Debra has used her radio show to highlight issues of anti-social behaviour, by interviewing guests who like us, have encountered characters that have proven to be destructive in nature. Sociopathy, Narcissistic Personality Disorder and the implications that surround it, can be painful subjects to discuss, especially with those who have little or no understanding of the contentions involved. However Debra and I sat and chatted over a bottle of Rioja for a solid three hours, both of us trying to find explanations to problems that we have both witnessed first hand.

Debra wanted my advice on some dilemmas she is trying to solve. Currently she needs support, having many questions to ask, as she tries to understand the circumstances that have brought her to a confusing crossroads in her life; a challenging chapter that needs to be firmly closed, is still lingering in the background. As I discovered during my time working for Oxfam and the sociopathic management structure, reactions and responses of a positive nature, are few and far between when dealing with mistreatment in their ranks. Trying to untangle a mess made by a single individual with anti-social personality disorder is virtually impossible to achieve, but for victims it is an important part of the healing process. That puts people like Debra and myself in a very precarious situation. Do we carry on, trying to find answers or should we just forget the past and move on.

Initially I spent several years trying to enact revenge for what I considered to be criminal activity against me and others. I wanted justice for the victims who worked for Britain's biggest charity, but I soon discovered the pitfalls of continuing my fruitless campaign. Oxfam would never admit to such behaviour, so rather than continuing to waste my time and energy, I waited for the truth to eventually come out, as it did in 2018 and then I gave my version of events and finally I was listened to!

Debra is still searching for the truth and I am doing what I can to help her, whatever it takes to put her mind at rest and allow her to continue with her life, without the need to keep recalling events and situations, that so very nearly destroyed her as an individual. As two friends chatting. we were able to navigate the clues and unravel the elements. that added together pointed towards a very familiar pattern of abuse and bullying. In time Debra will also be able to sleep soundly in bed once more, until then I will be there when I can!

Its official, the Charity Commission report detailing abuses carried out by Oxfam has been published and the evidence contained in it is damning, as I believed it would be. Readers of Roaming Brit are well aware of my connection to Oxfam, I worked for them as a Manager between 2008 and 2015. These were testing years; a time when I was given little support or direction by Managers at the top of the chain. I was more or less left to my own devises and always sought help and advice from colleagues, who were also unable to get guidance from a failing Management structure, that hadn't changed since Oxfam was formed in 1948.

The report highlights bullying, intimidation and harassment, perpetrated by a powerful elite who thought nothing of the victims they violated. There was a calculated plan to destroy and discredit employees and volunteers who dared to speak out about their mistreatment across this organisation, both at home and abroad.

Both my partner and I worked for Oxfam at a time of change and we did our best to try and "make poverty history," a mantra used across this charity. The politics of this trust were not always in  step with my own and we were encouraged to support and maintain a connection with left of centre organisations, at the expense of fair and balanced campaigning. There were many times I challenged Managers for their one sided political stance, especially in meetings, but was promptly made to feel wrong or inadequate in front of those who worked alongside me. Having a voice and speaking up against Oxfam's politically motivated appeals was discouraged. A shop I managed was situated in the middle of a large Jewish community, yet we were expected to raise money for the very people who were bombing Israel, almost on a daily basis at the time. This wasn't about supporting Israel over Palestine, it was about objective and impartial working practices, especially at times of elevated tension. Ignoring local and regional concerns was at odds with the ideals Oxfam promoted. We lost many Jewish donors; there seemed to be a crusade, instigated by Oxfam for purely political reasons and it was hurting us as a business. No thought was ever paid to the demographic of the individual areas we served, left leaning motivation always won the day!

The region I worked for was in a mess; personal ambition and vengeance took priority over getting results and I was often in the middle of an altercation or difficult situation between staff or volunteers, who were left bewildered after yet more pressure was piled on them, from Managers who were dismissive of their needs. By 2015 I discovered the extent of bullying in the South West region. Staff were leaving without reason, fabrication and falsohoods were used to discredit their work and I began to notice I was also becoming the target of what I can only describe as immoral behaviour, after I had dared to report my superior for acts of wrongdoing against volunteers. My partner had also become the victim of abuse after he was targeted for reporting a member of staff to Human Resources, when a vulnerable volunteer became the subject of a sustained campaign of bullying. Like me, his views were dismissed and we both became the subject of attacks that continued for two years. Misinformation, lies, threats to us and our property, homophobia and in several recorded cases, sexual harassment were now part of our life; the strain began to take its toll and our health began to suffer!

Inappropriate behaviour by Management was commonplace. I know of at least eight incidences of unspeakable conduct that those closest to me endured. Unable to do anything about the constant attacks, many of us decided to leave. My partner and I left the UK in 2015 to start a new life in Spain, to try and forget our ordeal.

In 2018 I was contacted by the Charity Commission who interviewed me about my time at Oxfam and what these crimes had done to my sense of well-being. I was forthright in my assessment of a culture at Oxfam that sought to destroy personal liberty. I suffered for many years after the events that shaped my life and even today remain unable to forget the evil that so nearly destroyed me. The interviewee was sympathetic and informed me of what the Charity Commission wanted to achieve, as a result of allegations and affirmation made by a cross section of people from all walks of life. She was distressed by what I had to say, disgusted that nothing was done to protect me at particularly difficult times and stunned that my pleas for help fell on deaf ears, ignored by those who were there to look after our protection. This was not just about my immediate superior, this was about the whole organisation, from top to bottom. This was about a corrupt Human Resources department, a union who were complicit in the atrocities committed against victims and their refusal to stand up for their membership and most importantly a CEO who covered up criminal activity across the charity!

Today I spoke to an ex colleague who directed me towards an article about Oxfam. This was a shocking expose detailing the worst transgressions committed by this once respected trust. I was gobsmacked; what had transpired at Oxfam and continues to this day was astonishing, far worse than I expected. A telling paragraph from this report loomed heavily, as I continued to read - "In Britain, investigators found that scores of serious complaints by staff or volunteers in its charity shops were not reported to the authorities, including 11 cases involving potential crimes." This struck a chord with me and told me all I needed to hear. What happened to me and others was an affront to common decency; discrimination and abuse that had no place at Oxfam was mainstream, accepted and considered almost run-of-the-mill. As a result nothing was done to stop the continual cycle of damage that was so rooted in the structure of this organisation.

As a starting point Oxfam must apologise to people like me, so we can continue to rebuild our lives. No amount of compensation will make up for what I endured, but the Charity Commission now needs to help the victims as they learn to live with what occurred, often over prolonged periods of time. Over the next few months I expect to reopen my concerns with the commission and hope they will finally do what Oxfam didn't; offer the support and assistance that all of the victims needed at the time, but were so unsparingly denied. in order to finally close this dreadful chapter in our lives, the commission finally need to listen to the voices that were dismissed for far too long, then and only then can we all move forward positively, emphatically, conclusively and get on with living life once again!