On Thursday of last week, I managed to catch up with a family friend, author, radio presenter and contributor to 'Roaming Brit,' Debra Rufini. I have very little time to myself these days, let alone being able to spend time with those who are important in my life, so with a few spare hours on my hands, I paid Debra a visit at her home in Portsmouth.

Debra and I have much in common. We both share an interest in writing and spiritual enlightenment as well as having experience in matters related to Sociopathy and Narcissism, the reason I had come to see her on Thursday.

We have both spoken openly about some particularly dark times in our respective lives and whilst our stories are different, they are most certainly related in the difficulties we both endured. Debra has used her radio show to highlight issues of anti-social behaviour, by interviewing guests who like us, have encountered characters that have proven to be destructive in nature. Sociopathy, Narcissistic Personality Disorder and the implications that surround it, can be painful subjects to discuss, especially with those who have little or no understanding of the contentions involved. However Debra and I sat and chatted over a bottle of Rioja for a solid three hours, both of us trying to find explanations to problems that we have both witnessed first hand.

Debra wanted my advice on some dilemmas she is trying to solve. Currently she needs support, having many questions to ask, as she tries to understand the circumstances that have brought her to a confusing crossroads in her life; a challenging chapter that needs to be firmly closed, is still lingering in the background. As I discovered during my time working for Oxfam and the sociopathic management structure, reactions and responses of a positive nature, are few and far between when dealing with mistreatment in their ranks. Trying to untangle a mess made by a single individual with anti-social personality disorder is virtually impossible to achieve, but for victims it is an important part of the healing process. That puts people like Debra and myself in a very precarious situation. Do we carry on, trying to find answers or should we just forget the past and move on.

Initially I spent several years trying to enact revenge for what I considered to be criminal activity against me and others. I wanted justice for the victims who worked for Britain's biggest charity, but I soon discovered the pitfalls of continuing my fruitless campaign. Oxfam would never admit to such behaviour, so rather than continuing to waste my time and energy, I waited for the truth to eventually come out, as it did in 2018 and then I gave my version of events and finally I was listened to!

Debra is still searching for the truth and I am doing what I can to help her, whatever it takes to put her mind at rest and allow her to continue with her life, without the need to keep recalling events and situations, that so very nearly destroyed her as an individual. As two friends chatting. we were able to navigate the clues and unravel the elements. that added together pointed towards a very familiar pattern of abuse and bullying. In time Debra will also be able to sleep soundly in bed once more, until then I will be there when I can!

Its official, the Charity Commission report detailing abuses carried out by Oxfam has been published and the evidence contained in it is damning, as I believed it would be. Readers of Roaming Brit are well aware of my connection to Oxfam, I worked for them as a Manager between 2008 and 2015. These were testing years; a time when I was given little support or direction by Managers at the top of the chain. I was more or less left to my own devises and always sought help and advice from colleagues, who were also unable to get guidance from a failing Management structure, that hadn't changed since Oxfam was formed in 1948.

The report highlights bullying, intimidation and harassment, perpetrated by a powerful elite who thought nothing of the victims they violated. There was a calculated plan to destroy and discredit employees and volunteers who dared to speak out about their mistreatment across this organisation, both at home and abroad.

Both my partner and I worked for Oxfam at a time of change and we did our best to try and "make poverty history," a mantra used across this charity. The politics of this trust were not always in  step with my own and we were encouraged to support and maintain a connection with left of centre organisations, at the expense of fair and balanced campaigning. There were many times I challenged Managers for their one sided political stance, especially in meetings, but was promptly made to feel wrong or inadequate in front of those who worked alongside me. Having a voice and speaking up against Oxfam's politically motivated appeals was discouraged. A shop I managed was situated in the middle of a large Jewish community, yet we were expected to raise money for the very people who were bombing Israel, almost on a daily basis at the time. This wasn't about supporting Israel over Palestine, it was about objective and impartial working practices, especially at times of elevated tension. Ignoring local and regional concerns was at odds with the ideals Oxfam promoted. We lost many Jewish donors; there seemed to be a crusade, instigated by Oxfam for purely political reasons and it was hurting us as a business. No thought was ever paid to the demographic of the individual areas we served, left leaning motivation always won the day!

The region I worked for was in a mess; personal ambition and vengeance took priority over getting results and I was often in the middle of an altercation or difficult situation between staff or volunteers, who were left bewildered after yet more pressure was piled on them, from Managers who were dismissive of their needs. By 2015 I discovered the extent of bullying in the South West region. Staff were leaving without reason, fabrication and falsohoods were used to discredit their work and I began to notice I was also becoming the target of what I can only describe as immoral behaviour, after I had dared to report my superior for acts of wrongdoing against volunteers. My partner had also become the victim of abuse after he was targeted for reporting a member of staff to Human Resources, when a vulnerable volunteer became the subject of a sustained campaign of bullying. Like me, his views were dismissed and we both became the subject of attacks that continued for two years. Misinformation, lies, threats to us and our property, homophobia and in several recorded cases, sexual harassment were now part of our life; the strain began to take its toll and our health began to suffer!

Inappropriate behaviour by Management was commonplace. I know of at least eight incidences of unspeakable conduct that those closest to me endured. Unable to do anything about the constant attacks, many of us decided to leave. My partner and I left the UK in 2015 to start a new life in Spain, to try and forget our ordeal.

In 2018 I was contacted by the Charity Commission who interviewed me about my time at Oxfam and what these crimes had done to my sense of well-being. I was forthright in my assessment of a culture at Oxfam that sought to destroy personal liberty. I suffered for many years after the events that shaped my life and even today remain unable to forget the evil that so nearly destroyed me. The interviewee was sympathetic and informed me of what the Charity Commission wanted to achieve, as a result of allegations and affirmation made by a cross section of people from all walks of life. She was distressed by what I had to say, disgusted that nothing was done to protect me at particularly difficult times and stunned that my pleas for help fell on deaf ears, ignored by those who were there to look after our protection. This was not just about my immediate superior, this was about the whole organisation, from top to bottom. This was about a corrupt Human Resources department, a union who were complicit in the atrocities committed against victims and their refusal to stand up for their membership and most importantly a CEO who covered up criminal activity across the charity!

Today I spoke to an ex colleague who directed me towards an article about Oxfam. This was a shocking expose detailing the worst transgressions committed by this once respected trust. I was gobsmacked; what had transpired at Oxfam and continues to this day was astonishing, far worse than I expected. A telling paragraph from this report loomed heavily, as I continued to read - "In Britain, investigators found that scores of serious complaints by staff or volunteers in its charity shops were not reported to the authorities, including 11 cases involving potential crimes." This struck a chord with me and told me all I needed to hear. What happened to me and others was an affront to common decency; discrimination and abuse that had no place at Oxfam was mainstream, accepted and considered almost run-of-the-mill. As a result nothing was done to stop the continual cycle of damage that was so rooted in the structure of this organisation.

As a starting point Oxfam must apologise to people like me, so we can continue to rebuild our lives. No amount of compensation will make up for what I endured, but the Charity Commission now needs to help the victims as they learn to live with what occurred, often over prolonged periods of time. Over the next few months I expect to reopen my concerns with the commission and hope they will finally do what Oxfam didn't; offer the support and assistance that all of the victims needed at the time, but were so unsparingly denied. in order to finally close this dreadful chapter in our lives, the commission finally need to listen to the voices that were dismissed for far too long, then and only then can we all move forward positively, emphatically, conclusively and get on with living life once again!

A little over a week ago, I was going through my youtube account checking messages when I came across one from someone at Oxfam, the charity I used to work for four years ago. I started blogging in 2015, because of my experiences working for them. As readers to all my blogs are well aware, my role in this organisation wasn't a happy one and ended in a 'traumatic time,' causing great anxiety and stress for my partner and I. My health and state of mind suffered  and I took the decision to resign. The stories of my time are littered throughout this blog, detailing a period that I had until recently put on the back burner.

The correspondence I received was from a man called Lee, not his real name, but the alias I shall refer to him as during this entry. In one of my youtube videos, I discussed my thoughts and feelings towards the charity I used to be a part of and dedicated my life to. The video in question was taken whilst I was living in Spain, two years after I had left the UK, still dealing with the aftermath of this terrible chapter in my life.

Lee had worked for Oxfam just like me, in a different role, far higher than mine and had also suffered abuse in the same way and wanted to talk about his experiences. The one thing I have discovered from my years blogging, is it is good to offload ones problems, either through scribbling ones recollections down or chatting informally with family, friends and colleagues. For me writing has been a life saver, helping me out more than any other activity since I left Oxfam. Lee on the other hand wanted to talk to someone who had gone through the same distress and hardship as him; luckily he came across my story and we were able to chat on the phone for over an hour a few days ago.

Listening to other people, who have also suffered at Oxfam's hands has become a regular feature in my life. Even today, I get a few dozen emails a day from people either connected to Oxfam or from those who have left and restarted their lives. Lee was lucky, he chose to leave his position and follow a new career in the private sector, something he doesn't regret. Like Lee, I am happy to be working for my current employer, I feel valued and listened to, part of a team and rewarded for all my hard work, unlike the years I spent at Oxfam. I was pleased to hear another survivor was moving forwards and not letting terrible injustices get in the way of their future!

Lee and I discussed our respective encounters and the ordeal we both endured and were surprised at the similarities in our stories and the same names that kept cropping up during our conversation...The usual suspects were still running amok, unchecked and without conscience through Oxfam and people like Lee were getting badly hurt in the process. He also appealed for help on many occasions, but was sidelined, ignored and passed over, his pleas for understanding ridiculed by the very people who should have been there to help. This was indeed a similar account of life at this well known trust and one I was happy to recount again, in order to help someone else, who needs to find closure at the end of a very debilitating period.

Lee described in great detail, just what he went through, sociopathic behaviour in abundance, disgusting bullying abuses that I was very familiar with and all I could do was sympathise with this eloquent, sensitive and empathetic young man. There is very little I can do on the surface to help people like Lee, come to terms with what happened to them, but I can be there to listen and give advice, based on my experiences.  The pain we both tolerated for too long is still very raw and will never go away. It does become easier to live with what transpired at Oxfam, but it will not be possible to move on and finally forget until all those responsible for the mistreatment of me and others are finally brought to justice.

Lee decided not to go down an official route and complain to Head Office directly, he chose to walk away and doesn't regret his decision. He does however want to do something to protect his fellow colleagues from what he went through and I have encouraged him to do what he can. Contacting the Charities Commission, Oxfam's Board of Trusties and his local MP is a great starting point. The more information all of these groups have against Oxfam, the easier it will be to prosecute those who destroyed peoples lives. I wish Lee well and hope he will also consider writing for Roaming Brit in the future!

Blogging has been a powerful tool, helping me through some terribly dark days. My mood is always reflected in the words I write. Sometimes deep and dark, more often positive and looking forward, to a new and exciting chapter; cautiously making my way along this rocky road, I do what I can to make sense of my life. The biggest gift a blogger can receive is from their followers; commenting, commending, commiserating and in a few cases criticising, sparking debate. This week I heard from a reader, whose story struck a chord, taking me back to a time I thought had passed, but poignancy has dictated an old path to cross...Somethings just can't be forgotten!

On Thursday I made my way to Southampton again, I had to catch up with a few friends, still trying to fit everyone in before I leave the UK. I arrived early, so decided to pop in and see my old Deputy Manager Denise, from my days working at Oxfam.  The last time I saw her, was just before I left for Spain, so we had a lot to talk about. I have emailed her whilst living abroad but today was about chatting about the 'old days,' where we both are now and the future. Life throws up many challenges, many of which Denise and I lived through whilst working for Oxfam but friendship will always overcome adversity. We have much in common because of our past experiences; shared circumstances that will always connect us both together.

It is fantastic to see this lady doing well, after being treated so badly by the charity we both used to work for. I chose to move abroad to forget the past, Denise remained in Southampton, choosing to work for another, more reputable charity and by all accounts is happy and thankful to be where she is today!

The pain I experience everyday from my time working at Oxfam will not go away easily, if at all. I have learnt to live with it, as much as Denise has, but bad memories will never disappear they will just get easier to deal with. I suppose you could call Denise a battler, who works hard to make ends meet. Like all of us who lived through the difficulties Oxfam perpetuated, we all have to get on with living, we can not let these people do any more damage than they already have.

Denise still see's volunteers who worked with us from time to time; Southampton is a small place and faces will always pop up. I think it's probably fare to say, they are all doing remarkably well. It's good to hear that everyone I worked with all those years ago are still upbeat and chipper, as volunteers usually are. They are a unique breed, those who give up their time free and gratis; it is only a shame they were not recognised for their contribution to the sector they embraced.

It is always good to catch up on the local gossip over a cuppa, something I have wanted to do with Denise for so long. Nothing much changes in Southampton, but it is important to reflect over the past, after all I lived in this place for nearly 25 years. Denise like me is hopeful for the future; life will undoubtedly take each of us down many different paths, but at least we will continue to share a bond, that will endure the test of time; that's what friendship is all about!

It's no secret that I have had a few health issues lately; nothing serious, just typical middle aged niggles that we all get. After having a full MOT with Salvum Clinic, it was clear that one of my pressing concerns was high blood pressure. This isn't really unusual; I would have been surprised if I didn't have hypertension; after all I am overweight and approaching my 47th Birthday. I am not in the best shape physically, tend to eat what I want and don't lead a particularly healthy life. All of these factors don't bode well for long term wellbeing.

After being prescribed blood pressure tablets and Statins, I hope my physical health will start to improve, especially now I am walking most days, have given up smoking and eat far healthier. Of course this isn't the end of the story. I suffer with anxiety and stress, more now than ever; two conditions that do not help my elevated blood pressure and something I need to overcome.

Lately my anxiety levels have been high; I don't need a Doctor to tell me that. I tend to stress about everything and anything, something I didn't do in the past. Since Oxfam has been back on my personal agenda, I have once again become a bit of a blithering wreck; old memories have resurfaced and past difficulties have  returned to haunt me. Once again I am having to revisit a traumatic period, three years ago. It seems that my current level of stress can be traced back to locked away memories and events that haven't until now, been dealt with. The only way I can break this cycle of restlessness and uncertainty, is by finally closing this chapter in my life, something I hope will happen very soon.

Coping with anxiety can be difficult; in the past I have relied on medication, to take the edge off the way I am feeling. Today, living in Spain, I don't really have that option; the truth is I don't want to take tablets for issues that can be overcome, through better lifestyle management. Keeping fit, walking more and facing ones fears is a great starting point. I have to accept I will always suffer with issues of 'mistrust and nervousness,' because of Oxfam, whether I pop a pill or not; there is no magic cure, or quick fix for what transpired.

Dealing with the root cause of my problems is important. I am well aware of what makes me tick, how I come to be sat here in Spain writing this entry and those responsible for my current state of mind; I just need to face my demons!

Since moving to Spain, I have had more anxiety than ever, mainly due to the nature of my relocation, the circumstances behind it and the processes involved in integrating into Spanish life. Despite this, I have coped very differently, compared to how I dealt with pressure in the past. In the UK, I would often lose control and rely on medication or alcohol to deal with the daily pressures of life, here I write, walk, cook or speak to those who can help. I no longer bottle up my feelings, finally learning to evaluate just what is going on, what has triggered my anxiety and how to deal with it NOW, not later.  During the past month I have been aware, that not all is well with myself, because of returning complications; I have sought necessary help accordingly; dealing with each impediment as it has arisen. Deep breaths, a detachment from the commotion swirling around me and a focus on positive thinking, has also been invaluable in steering me away from the superficial solutions, to arduous struggles.

I still suffer from stress daily, but am managing to avoid drastic measures, overreactions and ad hoc quick fixes. I may well still be a sufferer, but I am also a coper, survivor, fighter and someone who believes in himself! It has been a long time coming, but I have finally broken the cycle of strife that dominated my life for so long!