The World does seem to be in a constant state of flux at the moment. The pandemic is still raging across continents, taking lives indiscriminately, creating uncertainty and leaving a trail of death and destruction that will take generations to mitigate. After the death of George Floyd, the 'Black Lives Matter' (human rights organisation) campaign is gathering pace globally, as black people fight for equality and campaign against violence and systematic racism towards black people. And all of us juggle our ever decreasing finances to make ends meet, as unemployment continues to rise, in the wake of COVID-19. These are strange, difficult and thought-provoking times, a period that will be talked about for years to come. The adversities all of us face on a daily basis, do indeed make us who we are and with circumstances the way they are I am reminded of my own battles, many of which I still fight today!

I was always a child who suffered at the hands of bullies. I knew I was gay from about the age of eleven and consequently found it hard to hide who I was. Back in the early 1980s, it was not acceptable to be homosexual  and I suffered physically and mentally as a result. When I look back at my school days I shudder at just how bad they were and what I had to do to survive. There was of course an element of lying about who I was, but there was more than that. I knew I was different, found men attractive and couldn't be who I wanted to be, but I was still a young boy growing up at a time of great prejudice, with feelings that were so different to my peers and as a result I became a 'self isolating outcast,' spending the majority of the time on my own, away from others, for fear of being attacked or worse, for who I was.

Of course when one spends too much time on ones own, the real battles outside turn to conflicts in the mind. My mental health became fragile, from an early age, but without the help and support people are accorded today, I tried and failed miserably, to overcome some dark and distressing periods. I often felt deeply depressed and alone and more worryingly had suicidal thoughts, that overtook my life. While my friends were growing up 'normally' enjoying all the activities 'normal' kids enjoy, I rapidly became more and more insular, afraid and scared of the future.

At the same time, AIDS impacted all our lives, rather like the pandemic of today and my sexuality became even more of a problem; I cried every night wrestling with fears that were spiralling out of control. I believed being gay would kill me and I wouldn't be able to stop it. I had no one to talk to, since the Government of the time introduced 'Section 28' prohibiting any conversations with professionals, who could have helped and life became even more pained than it was already. By the time I left school in 1987, I was a nervous wreck, with nowhere to turn, turning to alcohol and cigarettes for support.

The early 90s was a time of great liberation; I finally found myself and accept my lot in life. I attended Pride marches, joined the Anti-Nazi League and began fighting for my right to exist as a gay man. There were set backs and phases when I questioned my sexuality, but this was due to other people opinions and their destructive influences. I was attacked several times and on one occasion thrown into the back of a car and beaten for over an hour, finally thrown out in a ditch at the side of the road, where, battered and bruised I made my way home. The constant assaults and barrage of abuse  made me even more determined to carry on being me and I became physically stronger as a result. Despite this my mental health was in tatters and depression and suicide raised their ugly heads again.

When I met my current husband in 1995, I was ready to settle down with someone I truly loved and that is where my biggest struggle began. Darrell was Australian, and we were both embarking on a same-sex relationship during a time when we were not recognised as a couple. In law, we were denied the right to live together and were told to move to Australia or another country that recognised the nature of our relationship; there was literally no precedent in place to allow us to coexist in Britain. You have to remember this was a time when discrimination was rife, commonplace and endemic in British culture, and we had to fight hard to establish our credentials as a partnership.

Initially we moved to Australia and back again, finally ending up back in Perth for a second time, with the intention of living there for the rest of our lives. Circumstances dictated our next move; Labour won the next General Election of 1997, and we made a last ditched attempt to restart our life in the UK, when the New Labour Government changed the law to finally recognise our relationship. The next five years were tough as we fought the system through much hardship in order to remain in the country. The damage to both our careers, health and sense of well-being was beyond measure, but in the early 2000s Darrell was finally granted 'Indefinite Leave to Remain,' and we could finally start living, six years after we got together.

The battles I fought then are carried around with me still, a reminder that together we can overcome anything. When both of us became the victims of bullying, we decided, once again to carry on fighting. This was one of the biggest challenges of our life, and we went through the motions, followed the rules and did what we could to hold our heads high. In the end, we won the battle, but decided to leave the UK altogether and start a new life somewhere else, this time in Spain, away from the memories that had haunted us for so long. From then on, the World was our oyster, or, so we thought, until events once again conspired to change the course of our life.

Since 2016 we have lived apart for most of the year, while Darrell helps his Mother deal with the spectre of Cancer. I have returned to the UK and continue to do what I can to survive during difficult times. Both of us are also dealing with our own health issues, built up over many years of stress and anxiety and do what we can to support one another. Even today, as we both contend with a pandemic that is keeping us apart on opposite sides of the World, we both remain committed and focused on our relationship. The battles we fought at the beginning have really taught us much about staying the course and each of us have an undying sense of purpose as we traverse the later stages of our life together.

In 2015, I started blogging, to write about my experiences working for Oxfam. My time as a Manager for the biggest international charity in the country didn't end well, after a prolonged period of harassment and bullying, and I was glad to lay my eight years of employment to rest. In the main I enjoyed working for and promoting this organisation, but the last ten months were intolerable and not an experience I want to repeat. I wrote about my challenges frequently, trying to make sense of just what happened during my time at Oxfam and to my surprise I came into contact with other employees who had and were still suffering from bullying, abuse and discrimination. These were the people that helped me through some terribly dark days and individuals I still have a connection with today. Every person I communicated with helped me get through this difficult tenure, many of whom still message today.

On Thursday I heard from Lee, an ex employee of Oxfam, someone I have spoken to before and  a person I wrote about on the 10 March last year. Lee, like me suffered some dreadful bullying and torment whilst in post at Oxfam and didn't know where to turn. Last year, he contacted me via my channel on youtube and asked if he could phone to have a chat, about are shared experiences. I was not only delighted to hear from Lee, but I was also happy to do what I could to help him come to terms with what happened. Lee suffered as I suffered and many others still suffer; People like Lee are the reason why I write about bullying and want to see Oxfam brought to account for what they did to me and many others who worked for them!

Lee wanted to thank me for encouraging him to speak up and contact people who could really make a difference in closing this dreadful chapter in his life. He has managed to take the first steps in making his story heard. For so long, he has kept what happened to him a secret, in fear of what may happen if he speaks out, but after much thought and soul search, talking to others and contacting me, he has finally begun to vanquish the demons that haunt his life.

We spoke on the phone for a little under an hour, it was great to catch up from where we left off 363 days ago. This was a young man who had become strong and able to deal with the circumstances that dominated his life for so long. There was a change in his voice and tone, and he sounded confident and self-assured. Although he had moved on from those dark days at Oxfam physically, he was still suffering from the effects of bullying, rather like a victim suffers from PTSD. Neither Lee nor myself will ever really get over what happened to us, but we can learn to live with the aftermath, and he has come a long way in helping himself to finally become the person he wants to be.

I am proud that this blog has given Lee hope, he was more than generous in his assessment of  Roaming Brit and I couldn't thank him enough for his continued support. The bullying I suffered from those in charge at Oxfam were truly terrible and tore my life apart, but people like Lee have allowed me to rebuild in a way I would have never thought possible. Today I am able to spend quality time writing and discussing the behaviour that surrounds bullying and use my conclusions to help others who would otherwise suffer in silence. Lee spoke to me because he needed an outlet, an outlet he wouldn't have had otherwise. His experiences also brought back many terrible memories for me, but recollections I wouldn't otherwise have faced my self. Our shared encounters have been a blessing. I have been able to analyse my time working for Oxfam and learn from my mistakes, noticing the signs of manipulation far more easily!

Lee's quest for closure continues, long after mine has come to an end, which is understandable, considering the pain he went through and I will be here for him every step of the way. He has become a benchmark for the decisions I take now, trying to come to terms with my own memories. I know we will always have a connection that will help guide one another towards a better future, without the need to forever relive our time at Oxfam. Someone, far wiser than me, who had been through much worse than I once said that 'the torture I suffer today will last for the rest of my life, but it will gradually fade into the background,' that I understand well! I am a very different person today than I was in 2015 and am able to deal with the bullying in a way I was never able to before. Lee will also do the same eventually; yes it is a long road, but there is light at the end.

Light comes in many forms and Just a few weeks ago I was approached by an old colleague, who I haven't heard from in over five years, too scared to reach out before. They asked if I had finally found peace after Oxfam, after much thinking I nodded my head and said 'yes absolutely.' The disgusting treatment I endured was now firmly a distant memory, but I will always remember it for the lessons it taught, the people I met, the friends who walked away and the future I now forge. My life is far better now, than it ever was. I am doing things, I would never have dreamt of doing a few years ago, and I am a survivor, when so many weren't. Strength comes from our ability to survive in the most horrendous circumstances and with every breath I take, I will always do what I can to help anyone who suffered the way I did! Bullies will never win, they grow less important with every day that passes; one day they will disappear completely!

Whether this is an appropriate blog entry so soon after the  death of TV presenter Caroline Flack, is a matter of opinion. For me, this is entirely congruous, especially at this time. Turning on ones television set this morning, one couldn't escape the news that Ms Flack, the former host of 'Love Island,' had killed herself as a result of a sustained media campaign to bully and intimidate her because of her involvement in an alleged attack against her then boyfriend Lewis Burton. The circumstances of  the incident were fiercely contested by both parties involved, but however, used by the media, especially the British tabloid press, as a catalyst for some truly heinous and provocative headlines. The abuse and mistreatment Caroline endured was most certainly the beginning of the end for the talented television presenter; her untimely death, a reminder of bullying that anyone of us could suffer at any time.

Suicide has played a prominent role in my life I'm sad to say, not in the literal sense, but as an onlooker from the sidelines. I witnessed many young friends take their own lives, because  of the turmoil of growing up homosexual at an age when we had no rights as a community. Coming to terms with who we are was a big deal for most us and so many other gay people from my generation.

Psychological and mental health issues were common place amongst my peers. Discovering I was gay was not the liberating experience it is today. I myself suffered trauma and bullying for many years, just because of my sexuality and have contemplated and attempted suicide, because of the negative circumstances I found myself in.  Suicide is a deeply personal experience and no one can describe the pain and deep sense of loss and foreboding you go through as a person. Suicide is not an act you consider or carry out lightly, it is a final call for help and a much-needed release from demons you can no longer control.

When Caroline Flack decided to take her own life, she would have been at her lowest ebb and unable to control emotions that she had kept in check for too long. The pressure and attacks she suffered during her final few days and her subsequent death, show just what bullying can do to someone. This was another death where the media had blood on their hands, like so many before. A high profile celebrity if you like, who could no longer cope with the lies and mistruths that were touted as accurate portrayals; nothing could have been further from the truth!

I am sure I will be criticised for writing about the death of a celebrity, whilst commenting on my own experiences, but it is important to express a view freely on controversial subjects that wouldn't otherwise be brought to the attention of the public. Suicide is rarely discussed and the reasons behind it are often covered up and hidden away. Just as I would sit around a breakfast table with my family as a young boy and discuss the daily headlines in the newspaper, so I will communicate my opinion on difficult, uncomfortable topics today. The death of Caroline Flack has highlighted subjects that wouldn't otherwise be talked about and it is the duty of a writer to bring those subjects to the attention of their readers, as I have done in this entry. The stark reality of death has conjured up some uncomfortable memories for me and my family and I feel compelled to write about them, while this talking point remains fresh in my mind.

Nothing can explain just how angry I felt this morning when I heard about the death of Caroline. I didn't know her or even watch any of her shows, but her struggle became a source of personal angst, as I remembered just what had transpired in my life. The bullying I suffered at the hands of others, ending with my time at Oxfam is very much at the forefront of my thoughts once again. The death of a celebrity has reopened some old wounds, recollections I thought were laid to rest but clearly were not.

All of us should mourn the passing Caroline Flack, whether we knew her or not. Another life has been lost to suicide. The reasons why someone chooses to take their own life are complex and unique to each individual concerned. As people, we should all understand the signs that lead  to such despair and do all we can to help and understand before passing judgement. Caroline's story is not an isolated one, learning why suicides occur is an important first step in recognising the stigma that surrounds this subject. More lives will be saved if only we took the time to listen!

On Thursday of last week, I managed to catch up with a family friend, author, radio presenter and contributor to 'Roaming Brit,' Debra Rufini. I have very little time to myself these days, let alone being able to spend time with those who are important in my life, so with a few spare hours on my hands, I paid Debra a visit at her home in Portsmouth.

Debra and I have much in common. We both share an interest in writing and spiritual enlightenment as well as having experience in matters related to Sociopathy and Narcissism, the reason I had come to see her on Thursday.

We have both spoken openly about some particularly dark times in our respective lives and whilst our stories are different, they are most certainly related in the difficulties we both endured. Debra has used her radio show to highlight issues of anti-social behaviour, by interviewing guests who like us, have encountered characters that have proven to be destructive in nature. Sociopathy, Narcissistic Personality Disorder and the implications that surround it, can be painful subjects to discuss, especially with those who have little or no understanding of the contentions involved. However Debra and I sat and chatted over a bottle of Rioja for a solid three hours, both of us trying to find explanations to problems that we have both witnessed first hand.

Debra wanted my advice on some dilemmas she is trying to solve. Currently she needs support, having many questions to ask, as she tries to understand the circumstances that have brought her to a confusing crossroads in her life; a challenging chapter that needs to be firmly closed, is still lingering in the background. As I discovered during my time working for Oxfam and the sociopathic management structure, reactions and responses of a positive nature, are few and far between when dealing with mistreatment in their ranks. Trying to untangle a mess made by a single individual with anti-social personality disorder is virtually impossible to achieve, but for victims it is an important part of the healing process. That puts people like Debra and myself in a very precarious situation. Do we carry on, trying to find answers or should we just forget the past and move on.

Initially I spent several years trying to enact revenge for what I considered to be criminal activity against me and others. I wanted justice for the victims who worked for Britain's biggest charity, but I soon discovered the pitfalls of continuing my fruitless campaign. Oxfam would never admit to such behaviour, so rather than continuing to waste my time and energy, I waited for the truth to eventually come out, as it did in 2018 and then I gave my version of events and finally I was listened to!

Debra is still searching for the truth and I am doing what I can to help her, whatever it takes to put her mind at rest and allow her to continue with her life, without the need to keep recalling events and situations, that so very nearly destroyed her as an individual. As two friends chatting. we were able to navigate the clues and unravel the elements. that added together pointed towards a very familiar pattern of abuse and bullying. In time Debra will also be able to sleep soundly in bed once more, until then I will be there when I can!

Its official, the Charity Commission report detailing abuses carried out by Oxfam has been published and the evidence contained in it is damning, as I believed it would be. Readers of Roaming Brit are well aware of my connection to Oxfam, I worked for them as a Manager between 2008 and 2015. These were testing years; a time when I was given little support or direction by Managers at the top of the chain. I was more or less left to my own devises and always sought help and advice from colleagues, who were also unable to get guidance from a failing Management structure, that hadn't changed since Oxfam was formed in 1948.

The report highlights bullying, intimidation and harassment, perpetrated by a powerful elite who thought nothing of the victims they violated. There was a calculated plan to destroy and discredit employees and volunteers who dared to speak out about their mistreatment across this organisation, both at home and abroad.

Both my partner and I worked for Oxfam at a time of change and we did our best to try and "make poverty history," a mantra used across this charity. The politics of this trust were not always in  step with my own and we were encouraged to support and maintain a connection with left of centre organisations, at the expense of fair and balanced campaigning. There were many times I challenged Managers for their one sided political stance, especially in meetings, but was promptly made to feel wrong or inadequate in front of those who worked alongside me. Having a voice and speaking up against Oxfam's politically motivated appeals was discouraged. A shop I managed was situated in the middle of a large Jewish community, yet we were expected to raise money for the very people who were bombing Israel, almost on a daily basis at the time. This wasn't about supporting Israel over Palestine, it was about objective and impartial working practices, especially at times of elevated tension. Ignoring local and regional concerns was at odds with the ideals Oxfam promoted. We lost many Jewish donors; there seemed to be a crusade, instigated by Oxfam for purely political reasons and it was hurting us as a business. No thought was ever paid to the demographic of the individual areas we served, left leaning motivation always won the day!

The region I worked for was in a mess; personal ambition and vengeance took priority over getting results and I was often in the middle of an altercation or difficult situation between staff or volunteers, who were left bewildered after yet more pressure was piled on them, from Managers who were dismissive of their needs. By 2015 I discovered the extent of bullying in the South West region. Staff were leaving without reason, fabrication and falsohoods were used to discredit their work and I began to notice I was also becoming the target of what I can only describe as immoral behaviour, after I had dared to report my superior for acts of wrongdoing against volunteers. My partner had also become the victim of abuse after he was targeted for reporting a member of staff to Human Resources, when a vulnerable volunteer became the subject of a sustained campaign of bullying. Like me, his views were dismissed and we both became the subject of attacks that continued for two years. Misinformation, lies, threats to us and our property, homophobia and in several recorded cases, sexual harassment were now part of our life; the strain began to take its toll and our health began to suffer!

Inappropriate behaviour by Management was commonplace. I know of at least eight incidences of unspeakable conduct that those closest to me endured. Unable to do anything about the constant attacks, many of us decided to leave. My partner and I left the UK in 2015 to start a new life in Spain, to try and forget our ordeal.

In 2018 I was contacted by the Charity Commission who interviewed me about my time at Oxfam and what these crimes had done to my sense of well-being. I was forthright in my assessment of a culture at Oxfam that sought to destroy personal liberty. I suffered for many years after the events that shaped my life and even today remain unable to forget the evil that so nearly destroyed me. The interviewee was sympathetic and informed me of what the Charity Commission wanted to achieve, as a result of allegations and affirmation made by a cross section of people from all walks of life. She was distressed by what I had to say, disgusted that nothing was done to protect me at particularly difficult times and stunned that my pleas for help fell on deaf ears, ignored by those who were there to look after our protection. This was not just about my immediate superior, this was about the whole organisation, from top to bottom. This was about a corrupt Human Resources department, a union who were complicit in the atrocities committed against victims and their refusal to stand up for their membership and most importantly a CEO who covered up criminal activity across the charity!

Today I spoke to an ex colleague who directed me towards an article about Oxfam. This was a shocking expose detailing the worst transgressions committed by this once respected trust. I was gobsmacked; what had transpired at Oxfam and continues to this day was astonishing, far worse than I expected. A telling paragraph from this report loomed heavily, as I continued to read - "In Britain, investigators found that scores of serious complaints by staff or volunteers in its charity shops were not reported to the authorities, including 11 cases involving potential crimes." This struck a chord with me and told me all I needed to hear. What happened to me and others was an affront to common decency; discrimination and abuse that had no place at Oxfam was mainstream, accepted and considered almost run-of-the-mill. As a result nothing was done to stop the continual cycle of damage that was so rooted in the structure of this organisation.

As a starting point Oxfam must apologise to people like me, so we can continue to rebuild our lives. No amount of compensation will make up for what I endured, but the Charity Commission now needs to help the victims as they learn to live with what occurred, often over prolonged periods of time. Over the next few months I expect to reopen my concerns with the commission and hope they will finally do what Oxfam didn't; offer the support and assistance that all of the victims needed at the time, but were so unsparingly denied. in order to finally close this dreadful chapter in our lives, the commission finally need to listen to the voices that were dismissed for far too long, then and only then can we all move forward positively, emphatically, conclusively and get on with living life once again!

A little over a week ago, I was going through my youtube account checking messages when I came across one from someone at Oxfam, the charity I used to work for four years ago. I started blogging in 2015, because of my experiences working for them. As readers to all my blogs are well aware, my role in this organisation wasn't a happy one and ended in a 'traumatic time,' causing great anxiety and stress for my partner and I. My health and state of mind suffered  and I took the decision to resign. The stories of my time are littered throughout this blog, detailing a period that I had until recently put on the back burner.

The correspondence I received was from a man called Lee, not his real name, but the alias I shall refer to him as during this entry. In one of my youtube videos, I discussed my thoughts and feelings towards the charity I used to be a part of and dedicated my life to. The video in question was taken whilst I was living in Spain, two years after I had left the UK, still dealing with the aftermath of this terrible chapter in my life.

Lee had worked for Oxfam just like me, in a different role, far higher than mine and had also suffered abuse in the same way and wanted to talk about his experiences. The one thing I have discovered from my years blogging, is it is good to offload ones problems, either through scribbling ones recollections down or chatting informally with family, friends and colleagues. For me writing has been a life saver, helping me out more than any other activity since I left Oxfam. Lee on the other hand wanted to talk to someone who had gone through the same distress and hardship as him; luckily he came across my story and we were able to chat on the phone for over an hour a few days ago.

Listening to other people, who have also suffered at Oxfam's hands has become a regular feature in my life. Even today, I get a few dozen emails a day from people either connected to Oxfam or from those who have left and restarted their lives. Lee was lucky, he chose to leave his position and follow a new career in the private sector, something he doesn't regret. Like Lee, I am happy to be working for my current employer, I feel valued and listened to, part of a team and rewarded for all my hard work, unlike the years I spent at Oxfam. I was pleased to hear another survivor was moving forwards and not letting terrible injustices get in the way of their future!

Lee and I discussed our respective encounters and the ordeal we both endured and were surprised at the similarities in our stories and the same names that kept cropping up during our conversation...The usual suspects were still running amok, unchecked and without conscience through Oxfam and people like Lee were getting badly hurt in the process. He also appealed for help on many occasions, but was sidelined, ignored and passed over, his pleas for understanding ridiculed by the very people who should have been there to help. This was indeed a similar account of life at this well known trust and one I was happy to recount again, in order to help someone else, who needs to find closure at the end of a very debilitating period.

Lee described in great detail, just what he went through, sociopathic behaviour in abundance, disgusting bullying abuses that I was very familiar with and all I could do was sympathise with this eloquent, sensitive and empathetic young man. There is very little I can do on the surface to help people like Lee, come to terms with what happened to them, but I can be there to listen and give advice, based on my experiences.  The pain we both tolerated for too long is still very raw and will never go away. It does become easier to live with what transpired at Oxfam, but it will not be possible to move on and finally forget until all those responsible for the mistreatment of me and others are finally brought to justice.

Lee decided not to go down an official route and complain to Head Office directly, he chose to walk away and doesn't regret his decision. He does however want to do something to protect his fellow colleagues from what he went through and I have encouraged him to do what he can. Contacting the Charities Commission, Oxfam's Board of Trusties and his local MP is a great starting point. The more information all of these groups have against Oxfam, the easier it will be to prosecute those who destroyed peoples lives. I wish Lee well and hope he will also consider writing for Roaming Brit in the future!

Blogging has been a powerful tool, helping me through some terribly dark days. My mood is always reflected in the words I write. Sometimes deep and dark, more often positive and looking forward, to a new and exciting chapter; cautiously making my way along this rocky road, I do what I can to make sense of my life. The biggest gift a blogger can receive is from their followers; commenting, commending, commiserating and in a few cases criticising, sparking debate. This week I heard from a reader, whose story struck a chord, taking me back to a time I thought had passed, but poignancy has dictated an old path to cross...Somethings just can't be forgotten!

On Thursday I made my way to Southampton again, I had to catch up with a few friends, still trying to fit everyone in before I leave the UK. I arrived early, so decided to pop in and see my old Deputy Manager Denise, from my days working at Oxfam.  The last time I saw her, was just before I left for Spain, so we had a lot to talk about. I have emailed her whilst living abroad but today was about chatting about the 'old days,' where we both are now and the future. Life throws up many challenges, many of which Denise and I lived through whilst working for Oxfam but friendship will always overcome adversity. We have much in common because of our past experiences; shared circumstances that will always connect us both together.

It is fantastic to see this lady doing well, after being treated so badly by the charity we both used to work for. I chose to move abroad to forget the past, Denise remained in Southampton, choosing to work for another, more reputable charity and by all accounts is happy and thankful to be where she is today!

The pain I experience everyday from my time working at Oxfam will not go away easily, if at all. I have learnt to live with it, as much as Denise has, but bad memories will never disappear they will just get easier to deal with. I suppose you could call Denise a battler, who works hard to make ends meet. Like all of us who lived through the difficulties Oxfam perpetuated, we all have to get on with living, we can not let these people do any more damage than they already have.

Denise still see's volunteers who worked with us from time to time; Southampton is a small place and faces will always pop up. I think it's probably fare to say, they are all doing remarkably well. It's good to hear that everyone I worked with all those years ago are still upbeat and chipper, as volunteers usually are. They are a unique breed, those who give up their time free and gratis; it is only a shame they were not recognised for their contribution to the sector they embraced.

It is always good to catch up on the local gossip over a cuppa, something I have wanted to do with Denise for so long. Nothing much changes in Southampton, but it is important to reflect over the past, after all I lived in this place for nearly 25 years. Denise like me is hopeful for the future; life will undoubtedly take each of us down many different paths, but at least we will continue to share a bond, that will endure the test of time; that's what friendship is all about!