Today, I finally have some time to myself, something I just do not have as a rule. Life has become rather busy for me in every aspect; I am spending more time at work and trying to keep myself busy, every day. Since returning from Spain, I have made a conscious effort to work hard and at the moment, I have a need to do far more than I otherwise would. I have a number of projects I need to save for, as Darrell and I look towards a future based in Europe; this remains our overriding priority. At this moment in time, I am happy to be concentrating on me and Darrell and even though it may seem selfish, I do not care what people think. We have both gone through life caring too much about others and what they may or may not feel, and it has got us nowhere. This is a time for us and succeeding where we have too often failed in the past.

As a person, I am approachable, welcoming, and open; I enjoy spending time with friends and family and want to help where I can. Both Darrell and I have been taken advantage of in the past and every time we have fallen for manipulative, dishonest, dubious characters, again and again. This has always been our Achilles heel and in recent times I have done everything I can to avoid similar situations and most importantly, toxic people.

I could write a book about toxic people, they have played a prominent role in my life, from early adulthood onwards. It is only now, I can claim to finally be a good judge of character. I can spot a bad person a mile off and will always run for the hills in the metaphoric sense. The old me would do everything to help change someone for the better, give them a leg up, roof over their head or a few quid in their pocket if they needed it. The new me is completely different; sadly, I will not get involved in other people's lives and will generally do my best to walk away, when I should probably help. I have been bitten so many times in the past, that I have the scars to prove it; the memories reinforce my current way of thinking, that I can not, and will not, do anything that will affect me or Darrell negatively.

Despite past efforts, I have nearly always been left feeling empty, abused and mistreated. There has not been one occasion where I have been appreciated for helping someone, every single time has left me depressed and down. My own mental health has suffered terribly over the years, not because of me, but because other people have quite simply taken advantage of my good nature. Darrell has always said, 'they see me coming,' and I need to harden up and not give so much to people who don't deserve it. I would of course politely listen, take on board what he was saying, and then promptly do the complete opposite. Today I am very different and if I am honest have learnt the hard way. It isn't until you have reached the bottom that you can really see where you went wrong, and after nearly fifty years, I can finally see the chaff from the wheat.

Today, I don't suffer fools gladly and will often walk away from people at the first sign of trouble. If the alarm bell starts ringing in my head, then I use that as a sign to move on. How many chances should we actually give someone, before finally giving up? Well now, I give no chances, all part of a learning process that has left me feeling pessimistic and downbeat, but sanguine for the future. The fact that I have learnt to deal with the worst society throws my way, leaves me hopeful, that I won't slip up and dramatically fail as I have done in the past. I may well feel melancholy at the moment, but I am aware I won't always feel that way.

From politicians getting away with lies and falsehoods, to a manipulative, abusive antagonist, hurting anyone who doesn't agree with their views and a Mother screaming at her child in the street, I have had it all this week. I have been left feeling emotionally exhausted and can't for the life of me, fathom why people have to be so cruel.

There isn't much I can do about the wider World, mad President Putin in Russia, Boris Johnson getting away with yet another lie or the horrifying prospect of President Trump in the Whitehouse yet again. However, I can stop the rot on my doorstep and remove the most destructive influences in my own life. It is difficult to describe my thoughts and emotions to someone who doesn't understand or indeed care, but writing this entry today, has at least allowed me to offload the anxiety I currently feel. There is so much turmoil in the World at the moment, that my own personal demons  and the friction I witness on a daily basis almost pales into significance. The fact it remains a constant source of pain, shows the impact it has on me and the people around me. Despite trying to block out the apprehension I feel, it just doesn't go away and when you experience the week from hell, you just need to lock yourself away.

The cathartic nature of blogging is the key to my sanity and the reason I continue to write. Without publicly acknowledging how I feel, I wouldn't be able to understand the warning signs, I missed in the past. Reading back over the events of the last seven years, since I started this blog, I have finally been able to move forward. Discarding the mistakes of the past and understanding the nature of individuals, my writing quite simply remains as a warning to do better in the future!

HMS Excellence

It has been twelve days since I last sat down and wrote a blog entry, which is highly unusual for me. The truth is I have been busy, really busy, and haven't had a lot of time for myself, so finding even an hour to blog, has been a real challenge. Like most people at the moment, I have been feeling the pinch in the cost of living, so any overtime I can get, the better. I have a lot of things to save for, especially as I want to go on holiday in September. I am looking at Crete currently, but also one of the beautiful lakes in Italy; wherever I go with Darrell, I want it to be relaxing, so we can both take some time out and chill together, after the turmoil of the last few years!

Despite my busy schedule, I did manage to find some time to spend with family this Saturday. Celebrating The Queen's Platinum Jubilee, the Royal Navy had organised an amazing day for the families of those serving in the military or working at HMS Excellence on Whale Island. Along with my Aunt, Cousins and friend Pat, I tagged along and enjoyed a thoroughly entertaining day in the sun.

To my surprise The Sunshine Sisters were playing for the families on the base and as usual they were fantastic. For those of you who don't know these two lovely girls, they used to be members of staff, during the pandemic, at the supermarket where I work. Usually in the acting profession, they came from The King's Theatre here in Portsmouth, to work with us, when the theatre was closed due to Coronavirus restrictions. I recall many occasions when these two amazing young girls played in the foyer of the supermarket, celebrating momentous milestones, with customers and staff alike. Zoe and Rachel were inspirational at a terrible time in history, shining light where there was darkness and brightening everyone's day. Seeing them both on Whale Island was a special reminder of a strange period in my life; it was great to see them both!

The Royal Navy band was tremendously uplifting, playing many popular seafaring songs in celebration of The Queen's Jubilee, including a rather emotional, stirring rendition of the national anthem. Patriotic and champion of the Royal Family, I was happy to listen and sing along with the rest of the crowd. Not only was the music inspiring, it was also rousing and a reminder of just what makes our country great. Our military in all its forms is the best in the World, and we should be very proud to have them. With the war in Ukraine still raging on, they are also a symbol of resistance against the Russian onslaught. I was happy to take part in such a special day, surrounded by family and friends!

As we approach HM The Queen's Platinum Jubilee, the celebrations will become more widespread. With time off work, I have been asked to help out at The Newcome Arms, where I worked until last month. I have agreed to do a couple of shifts, as The Newcome celebrates the Jubilee with the rest of the local residents. Despite serving behind the bar, I look forward to spending time with old friends from the pub, even though I will technically be on holiday. The Newcome will certainly be the place to be over that long four-day weekend. With The Queen looking more and more frail, the hope is, she manages to attend some organised national events, after seventy years on the throne!

Charles Dickens Birthplace, amid the brutalist architecture of the last century!

After leaving HMS Excellence, we walked the short distance home, via the pub of course. Interestingly, just around the corner from my Aunts house is the old childhood home of 19th century author Charles Dickens. To be honest, I had no idea he was born in the Portsmouth, so this was a bit of a shock for me.

Walking along the road, past row after row of brutalist social housing, architecture I am familiar with and a design concept I have a fondness for, we stumbled upon Old Commercial Road. This was the street where Mr Dickens was born in 1812 and the house stands perfectly preserved in this quaint side street, surrounded by large tower blocks.

As a 'book person,' I was in awe of the revelation that this author was born in Landport, Portsmouth, and the fact you can visit his home was even more mind-blowing. I suppose, because the area is so built up now, a concrete jungle of 60s flats, it is even more amazing to think this little house is still there, perfectly preserved, for all to see.

The longer I live in Portsmouth, the more I discover about this great city I now live in. There are many aspects of my home I can't stand, but there is also much I love. It is a great historic city on the south coast of England first and foremost, but it is also a home for two hundred thousand people, many of whom work in the Royal Navy. The event at HMS Excellence brought together the naval community and showcased its commitment to all those who are a part of its extended family. Saturday I felt a part of something special, living and working in a wonderfully eclectic, gritty, consequential city. It does have many downsides, but the welcoming nature of those who live here and their dedication to friends and neighbours is truly heartening and really, who could ask for more, when deciding where to lay down roots; Portsmouth will certainly be home for many more years to come!

On Wednesday, Darrell and I went to London for the day, as part of my week off, celebrating my Birthday. It is the first time we have been to London in about ten years, normally only ever driving past the place to Heathrow or Stanstead Airport. I had managed to book some cheap train tickets during the recent rail fare sale, so at a cost of £24.00 for two of us, we took a train ride to London and back. The train journey was longer than usual, with the train stopping at every stop, but it didn't make any difference, in fact it was nice to just sit for a couple of hours, watching the day pass by!

After arriving in London, the rain began to fall. As we made our way to Hyde Park and The Princess Diana Memorial Fountain, the rain gradually got worse, evidently setting in for the day. The fountain itself was dreadful, probably the worst tribute I have ever seen for anyone, especially someone of her stature. It was souless, drab and without personality, all words I wouldn't use to describe Diana. Suitably disappointed and with the rain beginning to pour, Darrell and I jumped back on the tube and made our way to China Town for lunch.

China Town, near Piccadilly Circus, is colourful and vibrant, even during the worst of rainstorms. As we arrived in the underground station, an announcement was made, urging customers to take care, during the adverse weather conditions. Our trip to London looked like it would be a washout, and I wasn't holding my breath for a great day, especially with an Australian in tow, who hates the rain.

After wandering around the lantern clad streets, which felt a lot like Kowloon, we went into the Hong Kong Buffet, for an £11.95 lunch and glass of wine. The food was fine, all bog-standard stuff, but certainly filled a hole, ready for the rest of the day and a lot of walking.

We made a short stop at Harrods, where I bought some gifts from the shop. Initially I thought I would buy the typical Harrods plastic bag, but at a cost of £30.00, I thought better of it. This historic department store in the heart of London, seemed different from the last time I visited; It is indeed overpriced, but it was more than that, it was not the sparkling oasis it once was, and I will not be going there again.

Suitably unimpressed, we headed to Covent Garden and had an amazing afternoon, exploring shops and market stalls, buying some cheap souvenirs and a couple of stylish berets from a hat stall. Feeling knackered, we had a few pints in the Punch and Judy public house, built into the arches in the corner of the market. I felt relaxed sat in the relative cosy atmosphere and despite paying over seven pounds a pint, it was a highlight of the day, just being able to do absolutely nothing.

We walked along Embankment, towards Parliament Square and Whitehall, taking in the sights and sounds of the city and the breathtaking architecture.  The skyline had changed a lot since I was last in London, and as we walked along The Thames, the noticeable additions to the city scape were all too clear to see. The House of Commons and more especially The Elizabeth Tower looked glowing, as the sun began to finally come out, after the deluge of the day. Its recent facelift had brought the original blue and gold colours to the fore, and I have never seen it looking so good. This part of London is always impressive, so I am rarely disappointed, but its familiarity is always welcome, especially as we headed towards the end of the day.

Walking down Whitehall, past the cenotaph, just outside Downing Street, there was a small demonstration, against the war in Ukraine. The speakers were very emotional, unsurprisingly, and Darrell and I crossed over to stand and listen for a short while. The scenes of horror being described were unimaginable to most of us here in the relative safety of the UK, but resonated with all of us who were there. After pausing for a minute's silence, a Ukrainian gentleman approached me, and asked if I would take some photographs of the banners he had made to highlight the atrocities in the war. It was very poignant, and as we walked towards Trafalgar Square and our final destination, I was mindful of the tumultuous times we were all living through. London has always been a welcoming city, and just as it has offered sanctuary to other nationalities in times of war, so today It was opening its doors to our friends in Ukraine. The fact a peaceful demonstration can take place opposite the Prime Minister's residence is testimony to our long-established democracy, unlike the totalitarian regime in Russia.

In the end, Darrell and I had a wonderful day in London, ending my Birthday week perfectly, as I go back to work tomorrow. Neither of us see the capital often, but when we do, it never ceases to amaze. Walking around its crazy streets, I thought how much I loved the place and even, just for a fleeting  moment, how I might like to live in this buzzing metropolis. Of course the reality is, I could never afford it, but it is nice to dip in and out at will and enjoy a fun packed day in London, a city of contrasts and a melting pot of cultures!

Princess Diana Memorial Fountain, Hyde Park

China Town and Piccadilly Circus

Harrods, Knightsbridge

Covent Garden

Embankment

Parliament and Whitehall

Demonstration opposite Downing Street, protesting against the war in Ukraine.

Trafalgar Square

I have reached the age of 51, a milestone in my book. Too many people I have known from my partying days, on the Southampton gay scene, are no longer with us and if I am honest, I am amazed I have made it this far. I have bucked my ideas up, lost weight and got fitter, that's for sure, and I have finally started to think about my health in a way I haven't before. Feeling fit, I am in a much happier place than I was!

On Sunday, my Aunt took all the family out to Gunwharf Quays and a meal at Bella Italia. There were nine of us in total, including, most surprisingly, my Father, who had travelled down to Portsmouth to spend the day with us. This was a big thing for Dad, as he rarely leaves the boundary of his home and certainly hasn't navigated public transport in probably forty years. However, instead of driving, he got on a train and made his way to Gunwharf, arriving in one piece.

It was a beautiful day on Sunday, as we all sat outside having a drink before lunch and more importantly, Dad seemed relaxed, chatting with family, something he hasn't done for a long time, probably since Mother's funeral. I was just happy to see him with us all, in a way he would have found difficult, just a few short months ago. This was the most relaxed I had felt in months, spending a valuable afternoon with my nearest and dearest, all together as a family, since the pandemic started two years ago!

After a lovely meal at Bella Italia and a few more beers, we all made our way to Bar One, just around the corner from the restaurant, and spent a lazy afternoon chatting in the sun. My Cousin Rachel, in her own unique way, was on top form. I haven't seen my Father laugh so much in years, and it was thanks in no small part to Rachel, whose sense of humour is infectious. This was a Birthday meal to celebrate my fifty-one years, but it was more than that, it was a day to be thankful that all our family were once again together as a unit, after two years of hell!

Yesterday, on the day of my Birthday, Darrell and I went to meet friends in Southampton. I haven't been back to the place since I returned from Spain, so in many respects it was a bit of a pilgrimage, to see how it has changed over the intervening years. It is always a pleasure returning to my old University city, being there does evoke happier times, spent with friends during those care free days from my youth. Of course much of the city has changed, and it has lost a lot of its charm, but the fabric is still there, and I will always recognise it as home!

For the first time since 2020 I was able to spend time with two friends, Elaine and Chris, who are very important to me. These two have been there through thick and thin and seen me at the best and worst of times, so it was essential to connect with them after the pandemic. My Birthday was the perfect opportunity to spend some time in a city I love with two friends I adore; without them, my life would certainly have been all the poorer.

It has been a very thought-provoking few days, spent with people I love, which is what Birthdays should be about. It wasn't what I would have planned to do, but it has been special nevertheless. Spending the day in London tomorrow will signal the end of another year gone by, and I hope the beginning of a new, better twelve months ahead. Nothing is for certain as the World continues to explode around us. All our circumstances feel uncertain and precarious right now, but at least there are friends and family to help get us through. These are the important ones, the ones who mean everything, the people we often take for granted, the people who remained steadfast, loyal and true!

With my Birthday approaching on the 9th May, I have taken a week off work, as I always do at this time of year. Usually I would be planning to go to some far-flung destination on the other side of the World, but since the pandemic I haven't travelled abroad and have decided to give flying a wide berth this year; I am just not ready to get on a plane yet.

Three years ago was the last time I went abroad, when Darrell and I toured Asia, since then I haven't had a break at all. If I am honest, the lack of travelling is beginning to get me down. I am a wonderer at heart, and I miss navigating the World, experiencing diverse cultures and enjoying the sights, sounds and smells, that only exploring can bring, as I have done throughout my adult life. By September, I hope to once again get on a plane, taking two weeks off, so we can both celebrate our anniversary away from the drudgery of the UK. That of course depends on the state of the World and whether there are restrictions in place, or we aren't in the middle of a third World war. For now, I am setting my sites on a no expense spared trip in four months, and I am more than willing to spend another Birthday at home.

This year I am visiting friends and family, spending time with those closest and just enjoying some well deserved time out. Tomorrow, my Father is coming to Portsmouth and nine of us will be going out for a large family meal at Gunwharf Quays. Dad doesn't get out much, so it will be wonderful to see him away from home. In the evening, Darrell and I will spend time with my best friend Ramona in Southampton and see other old friends on Monday. Wednesday we will both spend the day in London, enjoying the sites of this incredible city, we rarely get to see.

Yesterday, both of us went out for a walk along the Eastern Shore in Portsmouth with a colleague and friend from work, Sue. It was fantastic to just get away from the city centre for a bit, which does tend to grate on one at times. As I have grown older, I have become less interested in urban living, preferring the more rural areas surrounding this great naval city. As a young boy who grew up in a village, I have certainly become more appreciative of the quiet life. I yearn for a more relaxing existence, but am well aware of the difficulties this presents. As someone who doesn't drive, with a partner who has made a conscious decision not to buy a car, I understand I need to be near the amenities I take for granted every day.

I look forward to a productive few days with people I haven't seen in a while. As I reach the grand old age of 51, I am spending more and more time thinking about the memories that made me who I am today. I do miss certain aspects of my past life in Southampton, so relish the opportunity to see those who were there for me then. It has been seven years since I lived there, so I have a lot of catching up to do. Birthdays are a time to celebrate life, but they are also a time to remember all the momentous occasions that came before. Making time for others is important, especially after the trauma of the last few years.