I've had a bit of a funny week this week, probably because I've had too much time on my hands. About a year ago I took a DNA test, as I tried to trace ancestors for my family tree. I had a high degree of success as well, finding relations all over the World, although how I ended up with family in some of the more obscure places, is anyone's guess. My Grandfather was a merchant seaman, so collating all the information, one could assume many possibilities. Discovering cousins from every corner of the globe and their connections to me and my lineage is a story, for another day, but it has made me delve deeper into my DNA.

Last week I was contacted by a medical research company who asked if they could use my  DNA data for research they were carrying out, and I agreed; the results were eye-opening and one hundred percent accurate. For example, I had confirmation, that I had keloid skin, something I already knew, from an operation I had in the 1980s. Also, I discovered my blood group, which is 'A' and not what I expected at all. I always believed I had an 'O' blood type, but apparently not. Of course, being someone who suffers with health anxiety, I decided to look up the implications of this new revelation and was horrified at the result. It seems that 'A' blood types are weaker in every sense. It was the oldest of all the groups, but also the one with a shorter life span, more incidents of cardiac arrest, stroke and cancer and... the list goes on. By the end of the research, I was ready to just give up on life altogether. In truth, I wish I hadn't bothered to discover my blood type, it has just caused me more anxiety than ever. As someone who suffers from OCD, this isn't one, I'm going to let go!

I also noted that people with blood type 'A' were more susceptible to COVID-19, not something a sensitive homosexual with health anxiety really wants to hear. True to form, I looked closer at the implications and discovered the statistics used to back up these findings, were not quite as they seemed. We are indeed more vulnerable to Coronavirus, but we tend not to get it as severely, with lower numbers of my blood group ending up on a ventilator needing intubation. Honestly, I got so engrossed with reading about the negative aspects of 'A' blood types, that I literally had literature everywhere - One article contradicting another, differing views and opinions, papers and journals; in the end I just gave up, none the wiser, about my blood type relevance!

Having suitably wound myself up, over my own mortality, it was quite apt that I had an appointment at the cardiac clinic here in Portsmouth this morning. My Doctor had ordered a cardiology test, due to an abnormal ECG I had a few months ago, ongoing arrhythmia problems and continual dizzy spells since April. I attended a distinctly deserted unit at 8.15 am this morning, where I was told I had to wear a 'holter monitor' for seven days, so my hearts activity could be evaluated, in order to discover any abnormalities that may be occurring. Wearing one for seven days will be a bit of a challenge, especially whilst sleeping at night, but it is something I have to do. Dizziness, blurry vision and unsteadiness has been plaguing my life for the last nine months, and I need to find answers.

Various Doctors and consultants have mentioned a possible connection with my heart problems and Coronavirus, something I have thought about myself.  I am however mindful of my own level of fitness. I have put on a stone in weight since Christmas and the anxiety and stress I suffer with every day, seems to be exacerbating the symptoms. On the plus side, my blood pressure appears to be stable, but my heart rate irregular and much slower than it was. I am just hoping I can begin to get to the bottom of this as soon as possible.

After speaking to Darrell over the last few weeks, he also has his own problems to deal with. Both of us are heading towards our respective 50th Birthdays, with all the difficulties that entails. Neither of us are getting any younger and after living a rather fulfilled life shall we say, we are both aware of just what is around the corner. As someone who smoked cigarettes for well over thirty years, I understand I won't be living to a ripe old age, but having changed my outlook dramatically in recent years, I am hoping to mitigate the future somewhat. Like everyone, I just can't predict what will happen tomorrow, so I am doing my best to influence the consequences of my actions now and live a healthier, better, more productive life, as all of us should, especially as we navigate this new COVID era!

I've had three days off work with plenty of things to do, but have actually done very little if I am honest. I started watching the five part Channel 4 drama 'It's a Sin' on Friday, and it has kind of taken over my thoughts. On Saturday, I did manage to get out and go for a seven-mile walk, but even then, I just couldn't stop thinking about this programme. Walking around Portsmouth, I felt lucky to be alive, enjoying the sea air, beautiful scenery and timeless coastline, that I have visited many times before. Nevertheless, as I sat on South Parade Pier, looking out across the water, I remembered a time, not so long ago, when my life wasn't so simple, a period not unlike today, full of fear and anxiety.

'It's a Sin' took me back to the 1980s, growing up gay during the AIDS epidemic and at a time of great social change, trying to discover who I really was, surrounded by hate, disapproval and trepidation. When I look back to my teenage years, I am reminded of the pain and difficulties I went through, trying to 'come out' in a World that just didn't care. There was no understanding or acceptance from those I regarded as close, because they never knew I was gay. There was no shoulder to cry on, when my feelings for someone else, weren't reciprocated, because they didn't see me as I really was. Above all there was no support when I needed it most, because I wasn't allowed to ask the right questions, seek the correct answers, or talk to somebody, anybody who could help me figure out the feelings I wrestled with every day. I was alone, unhappy, frightened and scared, during a period when gay men were hidden from society, afraid to admit their sexuality.

Towards the end of the 1980s I was fully aware 'people like me' were falling ill, dying alone, rejected by family and friends and unable to be close to partners. Thrown to the sidelines, by bitter, vindictive parents, who only saw them as the catalyst for their sons 'perverted' lifestyle, they were left to pick up the pieces, often without recognition of a lifetime spent with the person they loved. This was an undemonstrative time, where most people only thought about themselves, greed was the religion of the day and gay men like me were left abandoned and alone, by the very people who should have been there for us; this was the saddest time of my life!

During the early 1980s, I was just a small child, trying to find my feet and had no understanding of the AIDS epidemic beginning to sweep the World. It is still a shock to me now, that gay men refused to accept this virus could kill them, and it was all made up in the minds of those at the top, to stop them having sex with each other. The links to the COVID pandemic today are stark and clear. Coronavirus deniers, like those who rejected the existence of AIDS, are as vocal today as they ever were. In the 1980s HIV/AIDS was an imaginary illness, propagated to eradicate homosexuality. Here in 2021, COVID is a hoax and a ploy to control the masses. For those of us who lived through the worst of the AIDS crisis, this is a repeat of the same idiocy, indistinguishable stupidity and identical misrepresentation touted forty years ago, a dangerous repudiation of the facts in the face of disaster. We are indeed repeating the mistakes of the past.

Although I enjoyed watching 'It's a Sin' over the last few days, I have been left feeling rather melancholy and downhearted. This series was poignant, moving, wonderfully acted and full of memories from my past. However, it was also extremely painful to watch, triggering some significantly upsetting and uncomfortable evocations, I thought I had laid to rest years ago. It is clear that no matter how traumatic the 1980s were, they will never leave my consciousness. The pandemic we are living through today, will equally remain a tragic reminder of, the mistakes made by people who understood  nothing from history and the failings we never seem to redress. Once again a generation will pay for the miscalculations of the few and the irresponsibility of the ignorant!

Wasn't yesterday a great day, it really did feel like the end of a terrible era. The worst President in American history, Donald Trump, finally left the White House, skulking away through the back door, flying to his estate in Florida. In typical Trumpian, narcissistic style, he chose to leave whilst he was still President, allowing him to use the trappings of power, including Air Force One, to send him on his way. As the plane left Andrews Air Force Base, to the words of Frank Sinatra's 'My Way,' I was struck by the disingenuous manner of his leaving, an appalling spectacle right to the end. I will certainly shed no tears and just hope he disappears down the very dark hole he came from. However, like most people, I have a terrible feeling this won't be the last we see of him.

In contrast, a very humble, gentle new President Biden, gave a speech of unity, compassion and respect during his inauguration ceremony at The Capitol in Washington. This mild-mannered 78-year-old spoke eloquently about his love of America, the dreadful divisions that had been a hallmark of ex President Trump's tenure and promised to undo the wrongs of the last four years. The integrity this new Head of State has shown throughout the election campaign and quiet dignity, in the face of riots, insurrection and demonstrations, has been a refreshing insight into the man who is now Commander in Chief of the United States. Like most people I breathed a sigh of relief, as I realised the nightmare was finally over!

America has been left in an atrocious state, after Trump's term in office. Over four hundred thousand people have died in The US during this pandemic, from every corner of the country. Millions of people have lost their jobs and homes, unemployment is out of control and discrimination in all its forms is running rampant. Looking in, I am shocked at the disarray, in a country once so admired throughout the World, as a beacon of democracy, even as we deal with our own failings in the UK. The new President has much to do, as he unpicks the harm done to the United States; the task is daunting, but his message is clear - acceptance, compassion and reconciliation, offering hope in a nation so fractured and broken, after four years of hell!

I don't mind admitting, I was quite emotional yesterday, as I watched the inauguration ceremony live on television. The last year have been so awful, in every respect for me personally, it felt like a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders, as the new President took office. It is unusual for me to have such firm opinions of a man who is not our Head of State, but the previous occupant of the Oval Office, was so damaging and hateful, it affected people like me from every corner of the globe. The relief I feel, is nothing my American Brothers and Sisters must be feeling today. It is a mark of just how damaging the Trump era was, that someone like me, can hold such strong views; I am just glad we finally have a President with empathy and dignity, vision and humility at a time when all of us need hope for the future.

I wish President Biden well in his new position, as I'm sure all of us do. I hope he begins to right the wrongs of the past and tries to bring all sides together, in such a divided country. Donald Trump won't go away easily, I have a feeling that man will be back, peddling his right wing propaganda before long, stirring up hatred and rallying his supporters. It is up to the American voters to ultimately have their say, as they sit in judgement of the new President, but let's hope they give him the support he needs to lift the USA out of despair and open a new chapter in the history of this great and powerful nation!

I'm not enjoying this now, I have just about had enough of it all; am I the only person who feels like this at the moment? I am not talking about having to follow the rules, which I am happy to do, I am talking about other people ignoring guidelines and laws designed to protect them. When will people understand the ramifications of this bloody virus; it is killing people, every day, hundreds and hundreds of people, and yet they still break the rules. I am really at a loss to understand the mentality of those anti-vaxers, COVID deniers and rule breaks, it really beggars belief!

I have had a busy week, so much so, I haven't even been able to speak to Darrell. We usually put some time aside for each other, but it has just been impossible over the last seven days. The time difference is beginning to get to me and if I am brutally honest I am sick and tired of our long distant relationship. It really shouldn't have to be this way, it's only because of those at the top, that we have been separated in the first place. Having to constantly live your life around immigration rules has always been a challenge, from day 1, but as I approach my 50th Birthday, I would have hoped our life together would have changed, and we would be free to live as we want. Today however, in the midst of a pandemic our relationship is more restricted than ever!

Nearly a year on from the beginning of the COVID crisis, I am struggling, more than I have done for a long time. A few days ago I was informed a friend from my dim and distant past has passed away from COVID-19. This was a person I knew well as a young adult; he was fit and healthy, (far more than I) and was always full of life. He was several years younger than me and his loss has hit me far more than I would have expected. I haven't seen him for many years, but the impact of his death has shown me, just how vulnerable we all are, yet there are still people who 'just don't get it!'

Feeling extra sensitive and angry, I lost my temper yesterday, with someone I shouldn't have. Of course, I did it for the right reasons, because I felt they were in a situation that left them exposed to transmission of the virus. When someone you know dies, the thoughts and feelings you experience are difficult to decipher. I don't know how I am supposed to act, but it just wants me to protect those closest even more, even if I do shout and scream from time to time.

I would really love to know the psychology behind those who ignore rules and only think about themselves. Blatantly, it is a typical mark of sociopathic behaviour, but not all of them can have this trait. I did read an article recently about people who just refuse to wear masks, not those who can't, but those who just won't, and it was quite eye-opening. Most of these people have anti-social characteristics and understand the implications of not be protected. You can see the culprits as you scroll through social media, read about their partying, while others shield and isolate. You can see their genuine disdain for authority and their friends, family and neighbours as they stick two fingers up to the rest of us. These are the worst people in society, those who cause harm to others and those who are at least in part, responsible for spreading this virus through communities. Yes the Government has made mistakes, but they are not responsible for reckless behaviour that endangers all of us, as we fight to live another day.

Some days are better than others; all of us have our ups and downs and there are times I remain upbeat, despite everything falling apart around me. As a person I am usually an optimist; to be honest, anyone who blogs every day, with little or no recognition, has to have a modicum of sanguineness, in order to just get through the next entry. Writing allows me to express and offload my feelings, which has been a lifesaver during this pandemic. It has stopped me becoming an alcoholic, taking up smoking and eating myself out of house and home, it has given me a creative outlet during one of the most stressful periods of my life.

When I see the surrounding self-destruction, the lack of empathy, the aggressive confrontations and incredulous misinformation, I am reminded how lucky I am. I read, research and understand, I don't believe in mendacity and I dismiss ramblings from discredited sources. Fake news and conspiracy theories, that dominate the lives of those who believe in the machinations of the influential few, have now become so dangerous, that it is safer to say nothing at all. The voices of the hoi polloi, the masses who follow the rules are growing weaker, as the more bombastic, blustering inflated egos shout ever louder. Maybe it's time us plebeians stood up and faced down the onslaught of prevarication.

Today I was finally able to talk to Darrell on my one and only day off this week. It feels good to offload how I feel with my husband, rather than writing it down on a blog. Both of us, like all of you are feeling the fatigue virtually a year on, but we still remain positive for the future, even if we don't always sound upbeat. Our priority is to stay safe, protect ourselves and our family and continue fighting for our future together. When I shout, express an opinion or let off steam; when I wear a mask, sanitise my hands every few minutes or try and keep two meters apart, it's because I want to see my partner again. I want my family to stay safe, my dreams to stay alive and above all I want to live my life again!

Today, thinking about what to write, I find myself a little stumped. For the first time in God knows how long, I just can't think of anything to mention, that is causing me concern, or something else I just need to get off my chest. As weeks go, it has been a pretty mundane one for me, and although the World seems to be imploding around us, I have just blocked out most of the bad stuff and concentrated on me for a change.

Usually I would be glued to the television, absorbing the Coronavirus news and expressing a view on the Governments handling of the virus, but today, I just don't have an opinion. I've been feeling rather apathetic about the whole sorry saga if I am honest, and often feel I am banging my head against a brick wall. Of course, I express opinions on social media, just like everyone else, which doesn't always go down well. My sentiments are not shared by everyone and I get upset at their lack of respect for all key workers working hard during this pandemic. Sometimes, I just have to bite my tongue and ignore the Covidiots, as much as I would like to take them to task.

I had to go to the opticians this week to get my eyes tested, not something I particularly wanted to do in the current climate, but absolutely necessary, considering how bad my eyesight has got in recent times. Dizzy spells, blurred vision and headaches, have been plaguing my life, especially since April 2020. Naturally I am concerned about why this is happening, and I have tried different things, to find the cause, including stopping medication. I have managed to reduce the beta blocker  medication, Propranolol I have been prescribed by two thirds and  have stopped taking my blood pressure medication altogether. This may well seem dangerous to some, but I am continuing to monitor my blood pressure almost daily and so far there doesn't seem to be any detrimental effects.

On top of this change of regime, I have stopped smoking and drinking, and I am doing all I can to stay healthy. Obviously because of IBS, I have also had to adjust my diet and I did have concerns that the gallbladder disease I have, may also be contributing towards malabsorption issues, thus causing dizziness through lack of nutrients. Supplements of magnesium, to counteract the lansoprazole I have to take, vitamin D, a probiotic pill and enzyme tablets to help with the food intolerances, have not worked as well as I would have expected, but I do have good days and I just hope I get to the bottom of my ongoing troubles soon.

Attending the opticians was a chore in itself, greeted by staff in full PPE and having to undergo a more invasive test than I would have liked. Sat there as the optometrist moved close to my face, shining a bright light into my eyes, I literally grimaced under my mask. I haven't been that close to anyone in over a year, and it was a rather uncomfortable feeling. I did ask him, in a rather light-hearted way, if he was safe, to which he replied  'are you?' He assured me he was tested regularly, and I was as safe as I could be under the circumstances. I can't say I was suitably  reassured, but, I was resigned to the fact, that life does have to carry on.

No significant issues, pointing towards a sinister reason for my dizziness and disorientation was found, and I was left none the wiser about my current state of health. My eyesight has deteriorated since my last test and I ordered new glasses in a procedure highlighting the strange times we are living through - sanitizing lenses, plastic gloves and socially distancing, whilst trying to be fitting for new spectacles. Forty-five minutes later, I breathed a sigh of relief and was out of there, another diagnostic done, many more on the way.

My next appointment is to undergo cardiac assessments and investigations at the end of this month and I should hopefully be a step closer to understanding just what is happening. Until then, I am working harder than ever, have very little time to myself and am glad to keep busy. Like everyone else I am looking forward to the end of winter and a move towards better days, constantly aware of the dangers that lurk around every corner and hopeful the measures I take to keep myself safe, continue to pay dividends!

Stay safe everyone!

When I got home from work last night, I was greeted by scenes of absolute carnage in America. As a 'newshound' I can often sit watching rolling news programmes all day, so I always switch on the television when I get home after my shift; last night I was shocked by the appalling drama unfolding, as 'Trump' protesters stormed the Capitol building in Washington. This was yet another example of the tumultuous times we are currently living through; there seems to be no let up in the never ending spectacle engulfing the World at the moment. For someone like me, who has my own personal demons to fight, this was just another World event, that slid straight off my back; I hardly blinked an eye.

2020 was a terrible year, a time all of us just want to forget. Not one day has passed without me feeling anxious and worried; there hasn't been one minute, when I haven't thought about the pandemic and the dreadful state of the World, we all now inhabit. This horrifying juncture has brought our own mortality hurtling headlong into our thoughts, there is literally no getting away from the death that surrounds us every day. I think each of us was hoping for a better, more subtle and calming start to 2021, but nothing could be further from the truth.

The first week of the new year has seen Britain return to a full national lockdown. A new variant of the Coronavirus is ravaging the population of these islands, just yesterday there were 1041 deaths and over 62000 new cases reported. We are in a very dangerous period, where no one is certain of the outcome. This new development in the life of COVID-19, is another terrible milestone in this pandemic and without a lockdown, the National Health Service would have been over run and thousands upon thousands of people would have lost their lives. As it stands now, it is likely we will reach the grim prospect of 100,000 deaths in a relatively short space of time.

In normal times, the behaviour of a far right fascist President of the United States, would be even more shocking than it is today. However, like most people I have become rather desensitised to the madness in the Whitehouse. The four years this man has been in power, has seen a gradual erosion of standards in public life. His views on equality, race, women and sexuality has descended into a quagmire, a cesspit of disgusting views, violent incitement and other wordly vitriol. This man has brought the American Presidency and the country to its knees. The loss of respect for this once great nation is clear for all to see; the burning embers of anger shroud this narcissistic tyrant and expose him for this bigot he truly is.

During our conversation this morning, Darrell and I spoke about events around the globe, as we always do. He said how he didn't recognise the World any more and like me remains in a state of apprehension about the future. I feel like I am living through a terrible nightmare at the moment, one with no end in site. Everything I believe in - respect for others, dignity, fairness, equality and common decency just doesn't exist any more. People no longer care for their friends and neighbours, ignore warnings about the pandemic, cheer on a President who epitomises hate and trample over anyone who gets in their way. This is not a World I understand or want to be a part of, this is a violent, uncaring, dispassionate and impervious Earth, crumbling under pressure, dying before our very eyes.

This is only the beginning of 2021, there is plenty of time to end this year on a high. COVID vaccines are rolling out across this country, over a million and a half people have had the jab already. Joe Biden has been duly elected as the 46th President of the United States and will usher in a new term of reconciliation and statesmanship, returning sobriety to the office of the President. There is also a repeat of 'clapping for heroes,' beginning tonight, showing respect for our key workers during this pandemic and on a personal note, I am finally looking forward to seeing Darrell this year. A year that has started at such a low point, can illuminate the path to enlightenment and a return to normality, after  such a period of anguish. Let's make this year the best ever and lay this awful time to rest!

I've had a number of things on my mind recently, especially over the last few days, with the dawn of Brexit. Darrell and I intended to return to Spain to live, once this pandemic is over. It is a country we both love and were proud to call it home for several happy years. I often think of my time there and the friends I left behind. Both of us worked harder than anyone to achieve our resident status, retaining our respective residency permits, even today. It does look as though Brexit may well have changed all that, and a return to our old life in Gran Alacant, is just an unobtainable dream.

After looking into the subject of residencia, it would appear our Spanish status has already lapsed, because we have been outside the country too long. This isn't entirely set in stone of course, and I have messaged a legal representative to discover if we would have to reapply for residency, or if we could carry on where we left off. Our intention was always to return one day, once our family circumstances had changed and the pandemic was over, but we just aren't sure if it is viable any more.

Both of us fought very hard for our aspirational life and neither of us want to give it up that easily, but the truth is it may not be right for us now, as it was when we left in 2016. Neither of us are getting any younger and my reliance on the National Health Service, since I returned to Britain has been palpable. I'm not sure I would be able to have access to the Spanish system in quite the same way. Navigating the health care system in Spain, was proving difficult, whilst I was living in Gran Alacant; when my social security contribution was cancelled by my employer, without informing me, I was left with little choice, but to get private health insurance, of a sort.

The expense involved for Darrell and I, having to fund my own health care, was particularly hard. Having to work in a job, that was out of my comfort zone was also difficult, especially when you have an employer who lacked the dignity, compassion and empathy of a decent organisation, with morals and a real sense of direction and purpose. Struggling on the Spanish minimum wage, having to deal with unscrupulous svengali type characters, is not something I want to have to do in my fifties.

Both Darrell and I still have our hopes for the future, and they remain very much the same as they always have done. We continue to be travellers at heart and do not want to live in the UK full time. We have never really settled anywhere, buying property in France, living in Australia and Spain as well as moving to the north. I suppose Spain became the closest to the home I have always wanted, but that's not to say we can't have that somewhere else, abroad, with a better climate, more congruous to our way of thinking.

I have a feeling that the end of Britain's membership of the EU will be the beginning of a new adventure for both of us. When things get back to normal, we will once again have to make a decision about where our future lies. Brexit may well have closed European doors, but it has opened many more as a result. There is a whole World out there and if Spain or any other Continental nation isn't a possibility, then moving further a field maybe the answer. There are many parts of the planet we haven't explored, and we may just keep travelling forever, only settling when circumstances so desire. For now all dreams are open, all destinations a probability!