Struggling Right Now!

I'm not enjoying this now, I have just about had enough of it all; am I the only person who feels like this at the moment? I am not talking about having to follow the rules, which I am happy to do, I am talking about other people ignoring guidelines and laws designed to protect them. When will people understand the ramifications of this bloody virus; it is killing people, every day, hundreds and hundreds of people, and yet they still break the rules. I am really at a loss to understand the mentality of those anti-vaxers, COVID deniers and rule breaks, it really beggars belief!

I have had a busy week, so much so, I haven't even been able to speak to Darrell. We usually put some time aside for each other, but it has just been impossible over the last seven days. The time difference is beginning to get to me and if I am brutally honest I am sick and tired of our long distant relationship. It really shouldn't have to be this way, it's only because of those at the top, that we have been separated in the first place. Having to constantly live your life around immigration rules has always been a challenge, from day 1, but as I approach my 50th Birthday, I would have hoped our life together would have changed, and we would be free to live as we want. Today however, in the midst of a pandemic our relationship is more restricted than ever!

Nearly a year on from the beginning of the COVID crisis, I am struggling, more than I have done for a long time. A few days ago I was informed a friend from my dim and distant past has passed away from COVID-19. This was a person I knew well as a young adult; he was fit and healthy, (far more than I) and was always full of life. He was several years younger than me and his loss has hit me far more than I would have expected. I haven't seen him for many years, but the impact of his death has shown me, just how vulnerable we all are, yet there are still people who 'just don't get it!'

Feeling extra sensitive and angry, I lost my temper yesterday, with someone I shouldn't have. Of course, I did it for the right reasons, because I felt they were in a situation that left them exposed to transmission of the virus. When someone you know dies, the thoughts and feelings you experience are difficult to decipher. I don't know how I am supposed to act, but it just wants me to protect those closest even more, even if I do shout and scream from time to time.

I would really love to know the psychology behind those who ignore rules and only think about themselves. Blatantly, it is a typical mark of sociopathic behaviour, but not all of them can have this trait. I did read an article recently about people who just refuse to wear masks, not those who can't, but those who just won't, and it was quite eye-opening. Most of these people have anti-social characteristics and understand the implications of not be protected. You can see the culprits as you scroll through social media, read about their partying, while others shield and isolate. You can see their genuine disdain for authority and their friends, family and neighbours as they stick two fingers up to the rest of us. These are the worst people in society, those who cause harm to others and those who are at least in part, responsible for spreading this virus through communities. Yes the Government has made mistakes, but they are not responsible for reckless behaviour that endangers all of us, as we fight to live another day.

Some days are better than others; all of us have our ups and downs and there are times I remain upbeat, despite everything falling apart around me. As a person I am usually an optimist; to be honest, anyone who blogs every day, with little or no recognition, has to have a modicum of sanguineness, in order to just get through the next entry. Writing allows me to express and offload my feelings, which has been a lifesaver during this pandemic. It has stopped me becoming an alcoholic, taking up smoking and eating myself out of house and home, it has given me a creative outlet during one of the most stressful periods of my life.

When I see the surrounding self-destruction, the lack of empathy, the aggressive confrontations and incredulous misinformation, I am reminded how lucky I am. I read, research and understand, I don't believe in mendacity and I dismiss ramblings from discredited sources. Fake news and conspiracy theories, that dominate the lives of those who believe in the machinations of the influential few, have now become so dangerous, that it is safer to say nothing at all. The voices of the hoi polloi, the masses who follow the rules are growing weaker, as the more bombastic, blustering inflated egos shout ever louder. Maybe it's time us plebeians stood up and faced down the onslaught of prevarication.

Today I was finally able to talk to Darrell on my one and only day off this week. It feels good to offload how I feel with my husband, rather than writing it down on a blog. Both of us, like all of you are feeling the fatigue virtually a year on, but we still remain positive for the future, even if we don't always sound upbeat. Our priority is to stay safe, protect ourselves and our family and continue fighting for our future together. When I shout, express an opinion or let off steam; when I wear a mask, sanitise my hands every few minutes or try and keep two meters apart, it's because I want to see my partner again. I want my family to stay safe, my dreams to stay alive and above all I want to live my life again!

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