Yesterday was a day of mixed feelings; in the morning I attended the Christening of my Cousin Thomas, at St Patrick's Roman Catholic Church on Hayling Island. It was wonderful being a part of such a special occasion, attended by family and friends. In the past I have avoided such events, preferring to mark such milestones privately, keeping myself, very much to myself. In 2019 my life has changed much and I am now a part of our large, growing family, in a way I wasn't before.

I would like to take this opportunity to wish my Cousin Emmy, Partner Ben and their son Thomas, lots of love for the future. Thomas is a lovely young boy, who is always a joy to be around. With Ben's daughter Helena, their family is now complete!

Whilst driving to the church, I received a phone call from my Father; Mum had been rushed to Queen Alexandra Hospital in Portsmouth, after suffering from a massive heart attack, on top of everything else she has suffered in  life. I was left shattered and in a quandary about what I should do - go to the church or straight to the hospital. I chose to continue to the church and celebrate one of our families newest members before leaving for the hospital.

The service lasted two hours, after which we headed back to a local hotel. I spent fifteen minutes saying my goodbyes and left for QA Hospital. I was greeted by my Father and Brother, who I rarely see these days. As siblings my Brother and I never really got on and mine and his life went in very different directions. Neither of us are about to bite the bullet and forget the past, so we tend to just tolerate one another on such days. We were polite enough and along with my Father discussed Mum's failing health, as we have done many times before.

The Doctors kept us informed of Mum's situation from the moment I arrived. After the first chat with the consultant, we were under no illusion, that Mum's chances of survival were slim. She had suffered a big heart attack and they were fighting against the clock, doing everything they could to get her well. On arrival the A&E team tried to insert a stent into Mum's artery, without success. The vein was too furred up and as the Doctor said, it was like trying to drill through rock - impossible! We were assured they were doing as much as possible, to stabalise Mum and bring her blood pressure up to normal levels.

Mum was lucid and able to talk, although the strong painkillers kept kicking in intermittently and Mum would drift in and out of consciousness. We were all aware of the amount of pain Mum was in, although unsure why. I have never seen Mum suffer so much. Normally she has a very high pain threshold. After years of injecting insulin and three limb amputations, there isn't a lot Mum hasn't experienced, but somehow this discomfort was worse than any of the above. It was upsetting for all of us, seeing Mother in this state, but we know just what a fighter and battler she is and if anyone can overcome adversity, she can.

After spending four hours with Mum, I left for home, phoning my Aunt and Uncle to let them know of the situation and explained that the Doctor in charge had expressed his concern at the gravity of the situation she was facing. All of us were unsure why Mum was in so much agony, but it certainly didn't sound good and we were all expecting the worse.

Today I have been in constant contact with my Father and the hospital. Mum's health continues to suffer and the prognosis has changed from positive, to grave and as I write a little more positive again. It seems the heart attack has caused a lot of damage internally  that the Doctors are trying to reverse, but the heart itself seems to be recovering well and working as it should. The messages and health updates have been rather confused at times, but we know Mum is in safe hands and the wonderful Cardiac team at Queen Alexandra Hospital are working hard to save Mum's life!

I would like to wish two fantastic friends, Katie and Andy Stewardson, huge congratulations on the birth of their new baby son Sebastián, born on 28th August 2019. It has been a while since I saw these two, but they are both very much in my thoughts as I write this entry today!

Katie, husband Andy and their little daughter Lexi, became close, during mine and Darrell's time living in Gran Alacant, especially Katie and I. Both our husbands were away quite a lot during the time I lived here, consequently Katie and I became inseparable and enjoyed a fruitful friendship, despite the ups and downs of Spanish life.

Andy and Katie have found happiness and prosperity in Spain and now enjoy a productive and vigorous life, living in the country they love. Sebastián will be brought up alongside his Spanish peers and will become part of continental life, in a way many of us can only dream of. I hope to return to Spain one day soon and rekindle our friendship by starting where we left off. Whether or not Darrell and I decide to live there long term, as we did three years ago is anyone's guess, but in the meantime we are delighted to observe from the sidelines, watching this family grow and flourish in their new chosen home!

As Brexit turmoil continues to engulf British sensibility, it is heartwarming to see young people taking the plunge and forging a new life abroad. Whether you support Britain's withdrawal from the EU or want to remain, all of us should agree that our destiny lies at the heart of Europe. It would be a travesty if future generations were stopped from moving to pastures new because of policies that are designed to isolate Britain from the rest of the World. Katie and Andy are an example to us all, in how we can proliferate in new, untested, untried corners of the globe!

Congratulations to you all!

The August Bank Holiday Monday was hot and I was spending the day at The Queens Hotel in Southsea, at a garden party in the sun! The tribute act 'Forever Queen' were playing to a packed audience in this plush Portsmouth hotel.

I arrived with some friends from work and spent an enjoyable time, relaxing after another busy week. There were many people at this holiday event and it was fantastic to just let ones hair down for a few hours, drinking, dancing and chatting with those who play a significant role in my life.

What could be better, after sitting in the hot sun for the afternoon, but a civilized meal with more colleagues and friends at the John Jacques in Fratton. For me, a few pints of orange juice and lemonade and a rather diet busting, calorific all day brunch, followed by cake and ice cream; comfort food, to end the perfect day!

Friday was a sad day for me, my family and all those who knew Ray Atrill. At 3.30pm, on a rainy afternoon, Uncle Ray was laid to rest at Portchester Crematorium. I arrived with my Aunt and Cousins at 3pm and already people were gathering to say their goodbyes. Nothing however could prepare me for the number of people who arrived to bid farewell to Ray on his final journey.

Ray was a well known luminary in Fratton, having lived there for most of his life, consequently his network of friends was vast. Sat in the pews of the crematorium, I was struck by the number of people entering the hall; it seemed never ending, as the seats were quickly filled. Guests, stood wherever they could, at the sides and back of the building, quietly showing respect for a man, who touched the lives of many. It was a heartwarming display of admiration and approval for a character who will remain in the hearts and minds of all those who knew him.

Ray was given a send off like no other, surrounded by family and friends. The service was typically humanist in tone and reflected a life lived in the company of others, who shared similar interests. Everyone there on Friday sat attentively listening to the stories of a man who had lived the life he wanted and not what others would have expected. Without malice, hate or bitterness, Ray welcomed everyone into his life and all of us who celebrated his legacy on Friday, were lucky to have known him.

The memories of Ray will resonate around the pub where he and I worked for many years to come and will continue to echo around the streets of Fratton, where he walked on a daily basis. Community was important, pivotal and determining in the life Ray led. He did much for good causes and others who needed a helping hand. He was there when you needed a word of encouragement, advice or just a friendly afternoon chat. Ray was a linchpin for many, an Uncle to innumerable personalities who crossed his path and a Dad to a select lucky few, who warranted the love he shared. Ray was Ray, he wasn't perfect, but he was the backbone of a neighbourhood who looked after its own; Fratton wont be the same without him!

Goodnight sweet man!

On Thursday of last week, I managed to catch up with a family friend, author, radio presenter and contributor to 'Roaming Brit,' Debra Rufini. I have very little time to myself these days, let alone being able to spend time with those who are important in my life, so with a few spare hours on my hands, I paid Debra a visit at her home in Portsmouth.

Debra and I have much in common. We both share an interest in writing and spiritual enlightenment as well as having experience in matters related to Sociopathy and Narcissism, the reason I had come to see her on Thursday.

We have both spoken openly about some particularly dark times in our respective lives and whilst our stories are different, they are most certainly related in the difficulties we both endured. Debra has used her radio show to highlight issues of anti-social behaviour, by interviewing guests who like us, have encountered characters that have proven to be destructive in nature. Sociopathy, Narcissistic Personality Disorder and the implications that surround it, can be painful subjects to discuss, especially with those who have little or no understanding of the contentions involved. However Debra and I sat and chatted over a bottle of Rioja for a solid three hours, both of us trying to find explanations to problems that we have both witnessed first hand.

Debra wanted my advice on some dilemmas she is trying to solve. Currently she needs support, having many questions to ask, as she tries to understand the circumstances that have brought her to a confusing crossroads in her life; a challenging chapter that needs to be firmly closed, is still lingering in the background. As I discovered during my time working for Oxfam and the sociopathic management structure, reactions and responses of a positive nature, are few and far between when dealing with mistreatment in their ranks. Trying to untangle a mess made by a single individual with anti-social personality disorder is virtually impossible to achieve, but for victims it is an important part of the healing process. That puts people like Debra and myself in a very precarious situation. Do we carry on, trying to find answers or should we just forget the past and move on.

Initially I spent several years trying to enact revenge for what I considered to be criminal activity against me and others. I wanted justice for the victims who worked for Britain's biggest charity, but I soon discovered the pitfalls of continuing my fruitless campaign. Oxfam would never admit to such behaviour, so rather than continuing to waste my time and energy, I waited for the truth to eventually come out, as it did in 2018 and then I gave my version of events and finally I was listened to!

Debra is still searching for the truth and I am doing what I can to help her, whatever it takes to put her mind at rest and allow her to continue with her life, without the need to keep recalling events and situations, that so very nearly destroyed her as an individual. As two friends chatting. we were able to navigate the clues and unravel the elements. that added together pointed towards a very familiar pattern of abuse and bullying. In time Debra will also be able to sleep soundly in bed once more, until then I will be there when I can!

On Saturday I went with two friends, Debbie and Hayley to the 'Let's Rock Southampton' festival, a train ride away, in the City where I lived for over twenty years. It was a blisteringly hot day, perfect for enjoying the now familiar music festival organised annually on the south coast. This isn't a festival for teenagers and young adults, this is a retro 1980s homage, where most of the party goers are in their late 40s early 50s. Despite being busy, with thousands of people in attendance, there was no trouble or antisocial behaviour found at similar events!

As a rule you will never see me at a concert or festival, it really isn't my thing. I can't think of anything worse being surrounded by crowds of people, paying for overpriced substandard food in searing heat or even worse, pouring rain. However this was an event I was looking forward to. I am a fan of all things 80s and of course enjoy the music from the era. This was a day I was determined to enjoy, spending time with Debbie and Hayley, which is always a pleasure.

As we approached the park, I was contacted by Dom an old friend, who used to live with me back in the year 2004. Dom was with his friend Lizi, who I also knew and they wanted to meet in the park. I haven't seen Dom since I returned to the UK last year and was excited he was coming. He was in fine fettle and I was absolutely overjoyed to be spending the day with him and Lizi as well. It really did bring back so many memories of our time together, clubbing in Bournemouth and London. Happy memories on  a perfect day!

The queues getting into the park were long and I was expecting a two hour wait, but the lines of party goers soon disappeared and we were through the gates within twenty minutes. The acts had just started on stage and we quickly made our way to the Pimms tent and bought a jug for twenty eight pounds, hugely expensive and with a low level of alcohol, that never really hit the spot. A small bottle of beer wasn't much cheaper, at five pounds a pop, but was far more enjoyable and I was more than happy to pay the price.  With burgers costing on average eight pounds and a small tub of chinese food over a tenner, this really wasn't going to be a cheap day.

The reason we were all there was the music and for the most part I wasn't disappointed. Westworld and Toyah were amazing and really put me in a good mood for the rest of the day. I used to be a big fan of Toyah's, so it was fantastic to finally see her live. I have no idea how old she is now, but her voice was just as good as I remember. Listening to these two acts really felt like stepping back in time, in a good way...I haven't been to a festival before but suddenly felt a conversion coming on, maybe this would be the beginning of a new chapter in my life.

Whilst enjoying a quick pit stop - Chinese Chicken and rice and a pint of Fosters, Belinda Carlisle came on stage. Now she was the act I most wanted to see, one of my all time favourite artists. Quickly I ran through the thronging crowd to get a good view; she was amazing, looking fantastic for her age and her voice was just as I remember. The music was flawless and her performance was the best experience of the whole day.

The eighties were indeed a special time for me. I was born in 1971 and grew up through what I consider to be the best decade, at least of my lifetime. The music, television, films and emerging technological revolution were a catalyst for my memories today. Standing in a field with thousands of others, on a hot summers day in 2019, I was transported back 35 years, reliving a youth that seemed like only yesterday. Someone once said to me, 'if you could go back and live your life again, would you?' There was only one answer I could give to that....A firm unequivocal YES; I would go back tomorrow and relive those years and all the others I survived, again and again and again.

Life teaches us many lessons and I have much to learn from the last four decades. So much has happened and even more has gone wrong, but it is true to say, the eighties were the first and last best years of my life; thereafter my life took many wrong paths. The 1980s were a time of great change, not only for me, but also the World. The messages in the music of the time spoke of a better future for all and although these years were not the best for everyone, they were for me. My life as an impressionable teenager began in 1982 and as I adapted to adulthood, the eighties took a final bow. Ten years of adventure, self determination and expression soon became a distant memory and I became the person I am today, a product of a time that I wont easily forget! Long live the 80s!

Yesterday a very special person passed away. Ray was a close family friend and had been a constant in the lives of my Aunt and her family for many years. I met Ray for the first time, when I returned to the UK last year and immediately formed a bond with him. He was like an Uncle, always there to give advice and offer a helping hand when he could.

It is always difficult when someone like Ray dies, he has left behind so many people who grieve for the friendship they have lost. He was known by many who live here in Fratton and was a local personality, like no other.

Yesterday, working in the Newcome Arms, his local pub, I saw first hand, just how upset everyone was and it brought home the importance of community to me. I may well have only been a part of this close knit neighbourhood for a short time, but already I feel welcome, thanks in large part, to Rays generous nature and welcoming heart. For those who sat at the bar last night, there was a sudden realisation, that one of their own had died and this town would be a poorer place without him.

Ray has gone to a better place, I am sure of that; I know his memory will live on in the people whose lives he touched. My enduring memory of Ray, is of a quiet, well mannered, unassuming man, who always had time for those around him. He listened to my ramblings, corrected my failings and always enjoyed a conversation; Fratton will not be the same without him. Personally I will miss his infectious smile, warm nature and witty repartee, just three of his many qualities. It was always a pleasure to sit with Ray in his place in the pub and wish the Worlds problems away. They don't make people like Ray anymore, we will never see his like again.

R.I.P. Beautiful man!

I would like to take time today, to wish all my friends, family and readers of 'Roaming Brit' a very Happy Easter. I am lucky enough not be working this morning and have enjoyed a lie in for a change. The sun is shining and spring has sprung, the perfect time to spend with those closest, our relatives and loved ones.

Whether you are religious or not, Easter is not only a reminder of the resurrection of Christ, but it is also a day to welcome the beginning of Summer. As the long, cold winter months take a final bow and darkness turns to light, all of us are reminded of the importance of renewal and sewing the seeds for the year ahead.

This is a time for positive thoughts, making plans, reassessing our lives and channeling energy into new ventures and exciting opportunities. I find myself deep in thought, thinking about the future and making decisions that have remained dormant until now. Easter is the catalyst of change and the beginning of new experiences, it lays the foundations for summer and opens doors to adventure.

Happy Easter to you all!

A few months ago someone I once knew, was sentenced to life in Prison for murdering his partner. Shane Roberts (Not his real name) viciously attacked his girlfriend Marie with a baseball bat, before stabbing her in the neck with a shard of glass from a broken mirror. I was in two minds whether to write anything about this incident, but felt compelled to after the impact he had on my life and that of my friends! Initially I was going to write about this incident in December, when his sentence was announced, but felt the trauma for all those involved was too raw and left it until today, before writing these words!

Shane was introduced to me and others by a mutual friend and at first we all got on well as a group. He had a charm about him that was actually quite endearing, but on occasion, a nasty side would surface; alarm bells would ring. During this time he formed a relationship with one of my friends, who I will call Lisa; consequently she became pregnant with his child, giving birth to a lovely baby girl, who it has to be said, is a credit to her, bringing her up extremely well, away from the destructive influence of her Father.

Like Marie, this young Mum went through a difficult time, suffering abuse on a daily basis. On one occasion I witnessed him attack her and it wasn't long before these two individuals split and went their separate ways; this wasn't the end of the matter however and Shane continued to make life difficult for Lisa and others who knew her! After giving evidence to the Police, Shane was ordered to stay away, but continued to harass those who knew her best, turning up on my doorstep, pleading for help before I left to live in Spain. At the time I felt guilty about not letting him into my home, but realise now, I could have had a lucky escape.

I had very little contact with Shane after we moved abroad, but did hear from him from time to time, usually a sob story about how his life was going and how the World was against him. Lisa had also moved on, but still looked over her shoulder, wondering when he would turn up and the circle of strife would start all over again. All the while Shane continued down a reckless path, frequently arrested and spending time in jail.

When I announced I was returning to the UK on 25 May 2018, Shane was the first person I heard from, trying to arrange a meeting, wanting to see me urgently, for reasons unknown. He bombarded my mobile night and day and eventually I blocked him from social media and my phone. This isn't the course of action I would have followed in the past, always trying to do what I could to help someone who needed it most, but something told me it was the right thing at the time. I have become a very good judge of character in recent years and without exception follow my gut instinct, when deciding whether or not to remove someone from my life.

As a trained Mentor and Advocate, I was always aware of how to deal with certain individuals and used my experiences to help those unfortunate souls who had lost their way in life. Part of my skills, learned whilst working for 'Action for Children,' was my ability to listen and articulate what I had heard, in order to create a dialogue between two inherently opposed sides. I have always been a good negotiator and do my best to achieve an amicable outcome for all, without the need for confrontation and conflict. I see the good in people and want them to succeed and overcome adversity, because all of us deserve the same chances in life. Shane however pushed me to the limits of what I could reasonably do and sadly I chose to give up on him as a person. This had rarely happened in my life, but one must reasonably know when to draw the line.

When I was told what had transpired between Shane and his partner, I was shocked. I knew this guy had his problems, but didn't think for one minute he could be a murderer; although thinking logically, what does a murderer actually look and act like anyway?

Yesterday I was asked if I wanted to do some more advocacy work, with a leading British charity, something I have agreed to think about. Today I lead a very busy life and rarely have time to think, but I am always open to new challenges and understand I can make a difference to other peoples lives. There will always be people like Shane in the World, people that can't be assisted, but there are also others who may have just gone off the rails and can be encouraged to mend their ways. I often think 'what if?' in Shane's case, but am frequently reminded that he was a person who couldn't be helped in the end. Rather than beating myself up over a man who will spend the rest of his life in jail, I should be concentrating on those he left behind, the real victims and providing a voice, a shoulder to cry on and a catalyst for expression.

I hope to channel my time and energy into helping those who need it most and will likely accept an offer to become an advocate once again. The personalities and characters we meet throughout our lives are a benchmark for the future. I hope to use my experiences with Shane to push me forwards along roads I haven't travelled before. As his memory fades, new impressions will take his place and the negativity that surrounds his departure will become a positive change for the future!

Yesterday was a very emotional day for me and everyone else who attended the funeral of my Aunt Carol. Carol had been battling Cancer for five years, her large, growing family keeping her going through some terrible, dark days. With their love and support, she won many fights, but ultimately Cancer took hold and she died peacefully at home, surrounded by her loved ones.

Cancer is indeed a terrible scourge, half of us will get it at some point in our lives. Watching someone you love suffer the ravages of this dreadful disease, opens your eyes to just what other people endure every single day. I became a volunteer at Cancer Research because of my Aunt; her struggle became my struggle, not in the same way, but in a way that I could help raise awareness and funds for a cause that I now champion in her name. Volunteering should be a personal journey, connecting us with groups and organisations that resonate with our own sense of purpose; I am glad to be doing my bit to help others currently confronting this dreadful illness!

Aunty Carols funeral was about a celebration of her life, encompassing everyone who knew her. Her final farewell began at Holy Trinity Church in Fareham, my home town, where I met my Father for the Service of Remembrance. The Church has major significance for my family - It was where Mum and Dad were married and where my Aunt and her family also celebrated milestones in their life. It is a beautiful church steeped in history and was packed with familiar faces, noticeable, as we took our place next to my Aunts, Uncles and Cousins.

The service was powerful, touching and moving; the music brought back many memories of times spent with all my kinfolk in years gone by. Her daughters Tracy and Carrie-Anne spoke eloquently about their Mother, voices echoing around the hall, words spoken, striking a chord with all of us, sat in the pews. The Reverend Sally Davenport spoke poignantly about Carols life, her childhood, her husband my Uncle Terry and their large family, all the while encouraging memories to resurface, as if it was yesterday. Finally my Cousin Tim sang his favourite song 'You'll Never Walk Alone,' as his Mum lay peacefully in the white wicker casket in front of the alter, adorned with flowers and memories from a happy, fruitful, eventful life.

Te Revd Davenport spoke of my Aunts dedication to her brood. Carol never went on fancy holidays, in fact she rarely left her home town, she enjoyed being surrounded by those who mattered. These were words I had heard before, when referring to other family members. Maybe it is generational or maybe just unique to my relations, but they never travelled the World as I do today, they never wanted to see the Great Barrier Reef, the Leaning Tower of Pizza , Pyramids or Great Wall of China, as I strive to do; they were just content with the joy and laughter that families bring, in a house full of memories, in a home full of cheer! This was a service that made me realise just what matters in life, close bonds with those I love is important, more so now that ever, material gain and pursuit of wealth just isn't on my list of priorities, reconnecting with my past is the only substance that I desire.

After a Service of Committal at Portchester Crematorium, we went to the Cams Hall Golf Club for refreshments. I spent a good few hours in the company of family, that I rarely see these days, except on occasions like this. Talking about their lives, living in different parts of the Country, far removed from my childhood growing up in Fareham was a joy. The only positive aspect of the day for me, if there was such a thing, was the fact that all of us came together as a unit to celebrate my Aunts life. She would have been happy to know that we were all there together, chatting, reminiscing and reliving moments special to her.

The older I get the more funerals I am bound to attend, this is a sad fact of life. It is however a reminder of just how fragile and finite all of our lives are. For my Aunt to depart this mortal coil, surrounded by so many characters, all of whom played a role in her life, is testament to her ability to bring people together. It is a reminder of the love she was shown by all those who knew her, in life and in death, it is a tribute to the respect she was accorded...A Mother, an Aunt, a Grandmother, a fiend!