It's been a very strange Easter Sunday this year. Just my Cousin Emmy and I, sharing a roast, chatting about life. In years gone by, I have been used to a far bigger affair, but with COVID still knocking at the door, all of us have had to make sacrifices for the greater good. The large family gatherings of the past seem a distant memory now, as all of us continue to live our lives under the cloud of a virus, that in many parts of the World, continues to grow exponentially. It was great to sit and chat with Emmy, and I was able to think about the egregious nature of the  last few years in a more calming, focused way.

There is no doubt the times we are living through, are particularly difficult to comprehend, but for Darrell and me, we are well used to turmoil and everything that entails. Today, sat at the kitchen table, I was transported away to another world, which seems a lifetime away.

All of us learn to cope with distressing events in our own way; as a rule, I tend to  write about my thoughts and feelings, it helps me look back at events that most people tend to block out, brush off or not even notice. Then there are rare occasions like today, when I am happy to talk about circumstances that I otherwise wouldn't, but whatever medium I choose, I want to be sure that I am able to process my emotions and understand exactly what is going on.

There is no doubt, I have been feeling pretty down over the last week or so, in fact far more than I usually do, considering my current situation. There is a lot going on around me, changes I am not necessarily comfortable with, and I am longing for a change in direction, which is easier said than done. Trying to change your life in the middle of a pandemic is more than just a little frustrating, it is a nightmare. There is absolutely nothing I can do about the way I feel and have no control over the path I am currently travelling. No matter how hard I try, voice my anger or shout and scream, I don't seem to be able to make myself heard. Today I am beginning to sink into a dark place I have tried so hard to avoid.

Easter signifies renewal and rebirth, and normally it has always set the tone for the rest of the year ahead. Personally, in my life, I see nothing but more of the same; I seem to be going backwards and not in a particularly positive way. This Easter has just shown how tough my life has become, and I am deluded if I think, even for one moment, anything different. My current state of mind and psyche is very difficult to describe, but I get the feeling the World is against me, and I am the one suffering, while everyone else gets away with murder. The reality is, I am not in a good place and I can't do anything to lift myself out of the dark hole I am currently in.

Easter this year, has been yet another occasion where I have been separated from Darrell. With all the other insecurities, my fragile state of mind, self-doubt and general feeling of detachment, I have started to feel downhearted and melancholy, in a way I haven't for many years. For me, these are worrying signs and not something to be ignored.

For now, I am carrying on as normal, aware of my current mindset and fully understand what I have to do to move forwards positively once again. All the time my life is on hold, I can do very little to change the way I feel. I hope I can gradually lift myself enough to shake these feelings of isolation and depression and get back to the person I know I am deep down.

This isn't a very uplifting blog today, but I would be lying to you and myself if I wrote something that didn't reflect the current level of despondency I feel!

Wasn't yesterday a great day, it really did feel like the end of a terrible era. The worst President in American history, Donald Trump, finally left the White House, skulking away through the back door, flying to his estate in Florida. In typical Trumpian, narcissistic style, he chose to leave whilst he was still President, allowing him to use the trappings of power, including Air Force One, to send him on his way. As the plane left Andrews Air Force Base, to the words of Frank Sinatra's 'My Way,' I was struck by the disingenuous manner of his leaving, an appalling spectacle right to the end. I will certainly shed no tears and just hope he disappears down the very dark hole he came from. However, like most people, I have a terrible feeling this won't be the last we see of him.

In contrast, a very humble, gentle new President Biden, gave a speech of unity, compassion and respect during his inauguration ceremony at The Capitol in Washington. This mild-mannered 78-year-old spoke eloquently about his love of America, the dreadful divisions that had been a hallmark of ex President Trump's tenure and promised to undo the wrongs of the last four years. The integrity this new Head of State has shown throughout the election campaign and quiet dignity, in the face of riots, insurrection and demonstrations, has been a refreshing insight into the man who is now Commander in Chief of the United States. Like most people I breathed a sigh of relief, as I realised the nightmare was finally over!

America has been left in an atrocious state, after Trump's term in office. Over four hundred thousand people have died in The US during this pandemic, from every corner of the country. Millions of people have lost their jobs and homes, unemployment is out of control and discrimination in all its forms is running rampant. Looking in, I am shocked at the disarray, in a country once so admired throughout the World, as a beacon of democracy, even as we deal with our own failings in the UK. The new President has much to do, as he unpicks the harm done to the United States; the task is daunting, but his message is clear - acceptance, compassion and reconciliation, offering hope in a nation so fractured and broken, after four years of hell!

I don't mind admitting, I was quite emotional yesterday, as I watched the inauguration ceremony live on television. The last year have been so awful, in every respect for me personally, it felt like a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders, as the new President took office. It is unusual for me to have such firm opinions of a man who is not our Head of State, but the previous occupant of the Oval Office, was so damaging and hateful, it affected people like me from every corner of the globe. The relief I feel, is nothing my American Brothers and Sisters must be feeling today. It is a mark of just how damaging the Trump era was, that someone like me, can hold such strong views; I am just glad we finally have a President with empathy and dignity, vision and humility at a time when all of us need hope for the future.

I wish President Biden well in his new position, as I'm sure all of us do. I hope he begins to right the wrongs of the past and tries to bring all sides together, in such a divided country. Donald Trump won't go away easily, I have a feeling that man will be back, peddling his right wing propaganda before long, stirring up hatred and rallying his supporters. It is up to the American voters to ultimately have their say, as they sit in judgement of the new President, but let's hope they give him the support he needs to lift the USA out of despair and open a new chapter in the history of this great and powerful nation!

When I got home from work last night, I was greeted by scenes of absolute carnage in America. As a 'newshound' I can often sit watching rolling news programmes all day, so I always switch on the television when I get home after my shift; last night I was shocked by the appalling drama unfolding, as 'Trump' protesters stormed the Capitol building in Washington. This was yet another example of the tumultuous times we are currently living through; there seems to be no let up in the never ending spectacle engulfing the World at the moment. For someone like me, who has my own personal demons to fight, this was just another World event, that slid straight off my back; I hardly blinked an eye.

2020 was a terrible year, a time all of us just want to forget. Not one day has passed without me feeling anxious and worried; there hasn't been one minute, when I haven't thought about the pandemic and the dreadful state of the World, we all now inhabit. This horrifying juncture has brought our own mortality hurtling headlong into our thoughts, there is literally no getting away from the death that surrounds us every day. I think each of us was hoping for a better, more subtle and calming start to 2021, but nothing could be further from the truth.

The first week of the new year has seen Britain return to a full national lockdown. A new variant of the Coronavirus is ravaging the population of these islands, just yesterday there were 1041 deaths and over 62000 new cases reported. We are in a very dangerous period, where no one is certain of the outcome. This new development in the life of COVID-19, is another terrible milestone in this pandemic and without a lockdown, the National Health Service would have been over run and thousands upon thousands of people would have lost their lives. As it stands now, it is likely we will reach the grim prospect of 100,000 deaths in a relatively short space of time.

In normal times, the behaviour of a far right fascist President of the United States, would be even more shocking than it is today. However, like most people I have become rather desensitised to the madness in the Whitehouse. The four years this man has been in power, has seen a gradual erosion of standards in public life. His views on equality, race, women and sexuality has descended into a quagmire, a cesspit of disgusting views, violent incitement and other wordly vitriol. This man has brought the American Presidency and the country to its knees. The loss of respect for this once great nation is clear for all to see; the burning embers of anger shroud this narcissistic tyrant and expose him for this bigot he truly is.

During our conversation this morning, Darrell and I spoke about events around the globe, as we always do. He said how he didn't recognise the World any more and like me remains in a state of apprehension about the future. I feel like I am living through a terrible nightmare at the moment, one with no end in site. Everything I believe in - respect for others, dignity, fairness, equality and common decency just doesn't exist any more. People no longer care for their friends and neighbours, ignore warnings about the pandemic, cheer on a President who epitomises hate and trample over anyone who gets in their way. This is not a World I understand or want to be a part of, this is a violent, uncaring, dispassionate and impervious Earth, crumbling under pressure, dying before our very eyes.

This is only the beginning of 2021, there is plenty of time to end this year on a high. COVID vaccines are rolling out across this country, over a million and a half people have had the jab already. Joe Biden has been duly elected as the 46th President of the United States and will usher in a new term of reconciliation and statesmanship, returning sobriety to the office of the President. There is also a repeat of 'clapping for heroes,' beginning tonight, showing respect for our key workers during this pandemic and on a personal note, I am finally looking forward to seeing Darrell this year. A year that has started at such a low point, can illuminate the path to enlightenment and a return to normality, after  such a period of anguish. Let's make this year the best ever and lay this awful time to rest!

Well here we are, the end of 2020, and I couldn't be happier to say goodbye to this terrible year. I am still in self-isolation, after my COVID exposure on 21 December, which has been driving me mad it has to be said. My period of quarantine ends tonight at 11.59, just in time for the new year. Like most people I won't be celebrating, so it isn't too much of an issue for me. Listening to the news earlier, it's clear all celebrations are cancelled across the country, with no firework displays, parties and events. This will be a strange night, very different to years gone by, and I will be in bed by 9pm for an early shift at work and my first day back tomorrow!

This is the second period of isolation I have had to do during this pandemic, and it really doesn't get any easier. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy having time to myself, but being confined indoors, not being able to leave the house, really does take its toll on ones sense of well-being, both physically and mentally. I have managed to catch up on my writing; I'm In the middle of writing my life story, even though it isn't finished quite yet... The book that is, not my life and I have also started reading again, a distraction I rarely have time for these days.

I have also let myself go somewhat, spending the last week in my Pyjamas and not shaving as I normally would every day; well what's the point, I'm only rattling around at home. I've also caught up with friends and family on the phone and had a well-earned rest. Watching television has also taken up a lot of my time, keeping up-to-date with the latest on the pandemic, which seems to be getting worse every day; formidably so!

People say to me, you spend too much time thinking about this damn pandemic, and I can't disagree. I have always had an interest in current affairs and politics, but this time it's more than that, it's personal. It may sound stupid, but the reality is, I don't want to end up ill or dead before I see Darrell again. I am truly scared that this virus will stop our relationship in its tracks, not because we will end up separating, that will never happen, but because of circumstances beyond our control.

Both of us have always been in control of our destiny together and when you are separated against your will, you have all sorts of thoughts and feelings slushing around your head. It feels like a pool of water, constantly shifting, moving, agitating against the sides of my skull, frequently keeping me awake and my mind active, sometimes paused ever so slightly, for a few seconds, just to burst back into life once more. This terrible virus has given me far too much time to think and my emotions are deeply skewed because of it!

Once again my procrastination has got to me and I need to get back to work, in the real World, no matter how bad things are at the moment, and return to normal. You can see why peoples mental health has suffered during the last year and quarantine just exacerbates negative thoughts and feelings. As I move into 2021, I want that positive side of me back, not the person who lives in the dark, never able to see the light.

A very Happy New Year to all of you, thank you for your continued support

Well what a strange Christmas this has been. We were lucky enough to have been able to spend time with my Cousin Rachel and the kids, who are in our social bubble, but sadly we haven't been able to see anyone else. Christmas is of course for children, so it was lovely to see their faces light up on Christmas Day opening their presents. As a unit we spent quality time with each other, at a time of great anxiety and fear. Others were not quite so lucky.

Due to my Brother self-isolating, my father was unable to travel from his Tier 2 home to see him over Christmas. Sadly Dad had to spend the festive season alone, although with his home moving into Tier 4 on Boxing Day, it did seem he wouldn't have been able to drive there in any case. The rules are so long and confusing now, many of us, including me are just confused about the whole thing, but carrying on as best we can under the most extreme circumstances.

I managed to take a video call with my Father on Christmas morning, where we toasted family. We also remembered those who died and chatted about politics, as we always do. Dad managed to cook himself a Christmas meal, as well as having a few glasses of wine. He seemed relaxed, although looked rather sad, at being on his own this Christmas. There are of course many people in his position this year, I just hope next year, things will be very different.

Suitably fed, we played party games, watched some television and listened to music. If it wasn't for COVID, one could be forgiven for believing we are living in normal times. A rude awakening would change that tomorrow and reality would come knocking at the door!

On Boxing Day, as I sat watching the television, I received a message from 'Track and Trace' informing me that I had been in contact with someone who had Coronavirus and I should immediately quarantine myself, for a period of six days. It seems I came into contact with them on 22nd December. At first, I was rather confused why I hadn't been given a ten-day period of self-isolation, but realised, the app took account of when the infected person first reported symptoms; one of the great failures in this system. This was a shock to me; I am however extremely careful around people these days, so hope I will be fine, by the time I return to work on Friday.

It is rather unnerving when you receive that message, so much information to process, emails and text messages go back and forth, online forms to fill in and people to contact. It really is part of life now, as all of us come to terms with the new mutant COVID strain that is quickly running through the population. I will most certainly be wearing my mask at all times, inside and out and hope you will to.

Christmas has highlighted the importance of family in all our lives. Not being close to the people you love, just makes the burden of 2020 that much harder to bear. Understanding we will all see each other again and these terrible times won't last forever, is a great way to stay positive and look forward to better, productive and joyous times.

Please stay safe everyone!

The Government has just announced what tiers regions will go into when the national lockdown ends on December 2nd. There was no surprise to hear that Portsmouth is going into Tier 2. This is a blow for The Newcome Arms, the local pub where I work, which will have to remain closed, probably until the spring; I'm sure all of us who work there are gutted and hope things will change soon. However, Portsmouth became an example of how not to act, in the final weeks before the lockdown, as people congregated in large groups, ignoring rules and only thought of themselves. As a city we had done so well to keep the virus levels low; a combination of frustration and fatigue has quite simply pushed us into tier two, for however long that remains!

Britain has been living under some level of restriction for quite sometime now and if I am honest, moving into tier 2 will have very little impact on my life. It does nevertheless send a signal that COVID-19 has a long way to run, before we are all out of the woods.

I have never stopped taking precautions, trying to keep safe and protect myself, but there are elements who really just don't care about others. These are the ones who have caused the problems for the rest of society, and they know exactly who they are. I see them every day, not wearing masks, unable to socially distance and disrespecting those of us who have played by the rules and done what we are told. Personally I am sick and tired of their conspiracy theories, constant whinging and lack of empathy for those who are ill or worse, dying in hospitals up and down the Country, because of people like them.

Unlike the rest of Europe in particular, our Coronavirus restrictions have not been taken seriously by the local population and police and local authorities have had little or no powers to enforce the measures in place. I saw so many people blatantly ignoring the law, yet there was very little any of us could do. Most of us just had to sit back and take the challenging behaviour and that was a terrible indictment on Britain as a nation. If we had all pulled together and worked as one, we could be back to relative normality by now, but we just couldn't. Maybe it is part of the psyche of British people or just a uniquely British trait, but we do have a problem with following the rules and that is particularly concerning at times of real national emergency, like today. All of us are to blame for where we are!

Darrell observed yet another milestone in Australia, celebrating his 48th Birthday. Again we are separated by circumstances, thousands of miles between us and a World in turmoil. As usual Darrell and I had our weekly chat about family, friends and the dreaded Coronavirus. Our lives really do seem so different at the moment, so much so I forgot to wish him a Happy Birthday, something I have never done. I don't mind telling all of you how guilty I felt and have tried to phone him since.

It is a sad fact that with our lives firmly rooted in different parts of the World, the milestones that make up our life together take a back seat. This isn't through recrimination or disinterest but pure and simply because of forgetfulness. When you don't live with someone any more, you do tend to forget the important things and that upsets me a lot.

Darrell and I always celebrated our Birthdays to the maximum. Year-on-year we would throw lavish fancy dress parties, inviting those closest to enjoy our respective days, but since our life was turned upside down in 2015, we have lost that part of who we are. The outgoing extrovert that hosted parties, was the life and soul, and never forgot an anniversary, has become old, forgetful and apathetic, and I am resentful of that fact. I detest old age and who I have become and long to travel back in time to better days, once again enjoying my life, with some truly wonderful characters.

Of course, I could witter on about me, feeling sorry for myself and bitter towards the World, but that isn't what this entry is about, it is about Darrell and his 48 years. I would like to be celebrating with him, but it just isn't possible. However, I can at least remember the' jamborees of Birthdays past' and the great times we enjoyed. Every year I would put up the Christmas Tree in time for Darrell's Birthday and fill the house with light, laughter and music. Dressing colourfully, we would party to the early hours; a tradition we continued until we left for Spain. A fridge full of beer and fully stocked cocktail cabinet, a table groaning with food and irate neighbours next door. Happy occasions that seem but a distant memory today, sat alone at home in the middle of a pandemic.

Next year will hopefully be different, the pandemic will be but a distant memory, we will have all been vaccinated and everything will be back to normal, but until then life will be very different. Talking to Darrell today, I was conscious of the memories we were no longer making together, it was a wake-up call, to fight even harder for our right to exist together as a couple, something we are well-used to having to do. Nothing is easy in this World, certainly not for us, so we just have to keep on battling, until the good times roll again!

To be honest, I've not had the best of weeks; these past seven days, the weather has been particularly awful and I've just felt like hibernating. I am an Anglophile through and through and love most things British, but the winter just gets me down. The cold and damp has always played havoc with my joints and I really have been experiencing a lot of rheumatic pain, something I avoided when living in Spain. If there was ever a reason to return to Iberia, this is the main one; if it wasn't for the pandemic, I would be on a plane right now, heading for the sun.

I have been trying to catch up on some reading, a pleasure I just haven't had time for until recently. With a busy life, I just don't seem to be able to sit down and escape into a good book; lockdown II has changed all that. About three months ago I started to read 'Too Much and Never Enough' by Mary Trump. This book is written by Donald Trump's Niece and exposes the President for the narcissistic person he really is; it is an insight into the 'real' man who reached the highest office in The United States. This was the book that really began to open my eyes up, to what Donald Trump is really all about and it is a fascinating read.

In the middle of the week we finally discovered who won the United States election; it was a relief to discover that Joe Biden would be the next President and the World would finally see the back of Donald Trump. The last four years have been traumatic, a disaster for the World; one man has single-handedly destroyed the reputation of a country and personally overseen the deaths of a quarter of a million Americans, in the midst of the biggest crisis to envelope the World in a hundred years.

Both Darrell and I have witnessed the like of Donald Trump before. Working for Oxfam taught us a great many lessons, about the terrible nature of sociopathic and narcissistic personalities. Both of us suffered for years at the hands of people, who only thought about themselves and couldn't care less whether we lived or died. I have written a lot about this subject and even gave evidence to the Oxfam inquiry, against people who had no place in normal society. I had my day, I was finally given a voice and I learnt to never  trust anyone again.

The Trump Presidency has highlighted some truly terrible injustices and has given rise to bigotry, discrimination and legitimised racism and intolerance. I have felt a deep sense of sadness and upset at what civilisation has become; the rise of nationalistic hate and the lies' perpetuated by a man who was unfit to govern. Today I am living in a World I don't recognise and a period in time that has shamed us all. Those who have turned a blind eye to what has transpired, are responsible for the hate, acrimony and contempt, directed towards anyone who is different, to what others perceive as normal. This has not been a great time to be alive; I have wished to return to the old normal so many times; I miss my previous life, my husband and the dreams I had.

The election of a new President should begin  a process of healing, not only for Americans, but for the rest of the World. It is true to say that the Trump era has caused me no end of stress, just because of who he is and what he stands for. I have always been an anxious person, but turning on a television set and watching a man, so animated with rage and anger, provoking the rest of us into reacting negatively, has been a tremendously debilitating and exhausting time; it has caused great damage to the psyche of any balanced, rational and sensible, level-headed person. Like most of us, I need a rest from all this disarray and time to recover from this lamentable chapter in history.

I would like to congratulate the new President of the United States and wish him well in his new brief. Bringing America, indeed the rest of the planet back together again, after four years of hell isn't going to be easy. He has a Herculean task ahead of him, helping to pick up the pieces of a broken planet. The end of Presidents Trump's Presidency should be the beginning of hope and renewal; empowering a nation, where everyone feels included should be the first steps, at the start of a COVID free World. I am confident, that in time, all of us will conquer our demons, regain the empathy we lost and finally lay the 45th President of the United States to rest!

Yesterday all of us working at The Newcome Arms said farewell to our customers, as we closed the doors for the last time before Britain once again locked down. I have now been furloughed along with many others, until the Government tell us we can open again. Despite being sad at not being able to see regular customers and colleagues, I am grateful to be away from the impending second wave that is now gripping the country. With five hundred people dying yesterday alone, I am well aware of the dangers of this virus. It seems we could be in for a worse ride than we had before. I will of course still be working else where, but selling beer behind a bar is now an illegal activity, in this strange new World all of us now inhabit.

Saying goodbye to everyone yesterday was a difficult affair, just as it was the first time we closed. Not knowing how others are doing during this particularly challenging time, is going to be hard. It was a testing night overall and not an evening I want to repeat, but I am at least one of the lucky ones; I still have a job and I'm getting paid. If all goes to plan, we will be open again in four weeks, somehow, I don't think that will happen and the lockdown will probably last longer than expected. Until all of us meet again, we just have to make the best of a bad situation; this will not last forever.

I had to go into town this morning to do some banking and again, just like eight months ago, the place was deserted. The streets were clear, hardly anyone was about and shops and businesses were closed. Portsmouth looked like a ghost town and I felt like I had entered a different World. The city centre is usually busy, bustling and full of voices, teeming with life, especially at this time of year. Not knowing when this current lockdown will end is disconcerting, it is a rather disturbing scene to witness, a scene not dissimilar to movies I have watched in the past, documenting the end of the World.

Of course, I will still have contact with others, especially at work, but I am concerned about those who live alone. Particularly vulnerable, are people who were shielding during the first wave of the pandemic and are no longer required to do so. Many of them are choosing to stay at home anyway, for their safety; a difficult decision, but a welcome one. Isolation and despair are common symptoms at this uncertain time and that is troublesome for the more exposed in society. Walking around the quiet streets today, I also felt very much alone with my thoughts, able to contemplate the future and think about my own anxieties. This is going to be another solitary time for me and I will do my best to embrace it, as I did at the beginning of the year.

I hope to once again spend time walking across the city, but with Christmas coming work will of course take priority. The weather is cold and uninviting, not ideal for exploring this great naval city, but it is something I have to do, if only to stay fit, healthy and sane at this time. Being able to clear one's head, shake away the cobwebs and breathe in the sea air is a must. I am however mindful of my aches and pains and have to take care I am not over doing it. Unlike last time I will not be walking seven miles a day; when one is on one's feet all day at work, a little rest is probably more beneficial than a long distance walk in the rain.

Speaking to Darrell today I was conscious of the huge differences in the direction we are both following in our respective countries. Sat with his Mother, friend Beth, drinking a pot of tea outside Woolworth's in Perth, they were all enjoying a normal life. No masks, no social distancing, no hand sanitizing; all of us are living in significantly different Worlds. The contrast is stark and clear for all to see. How could two countries, both islands, do things so differently? One successful, in more or less eliminating the virus, the other, still suffering through inaction, dither, ignorance and a failure to understand the pandemic that is ripping across the World. I am astounded that Boris Johnson and his Government are not being held more accountable for such monumental failures of judgement and hope in time that will change. It is shocking just how many mistakes have been made.

The next few weeks and months are going to be difficult, as we all try and survive this winter lockdown. The pressures on the health service and the rest of us will undoubtedly take its toll, but it is up to each of us to stay safe and look out for one another. All of us hope this closure will only last until 2 December, but that of course depends on how we all act. In Australia, everyone understood the importance of social distancing, mask wearing and hygiene, here, people seem to be ignoring basic logic when carrying out their daily tasks. Whether they are belligerent with fatigue or confused by the Government's mixed messages up to now, nobody really knows, but their actions will cost lives. Now is the time to act responsibly and follow the rules and hopefully we can all enjoy the family Christmas we planned, looking forward to a pragmatic and hopefully productive new year!