Darrell has been away for approximately three months now.  During this time, things haven't been easy, it has to be said. When one has been with one's partner for 21 years, spending such a long time apart from one another, is not going to be an easy ride, for many different reasons.  In my blog entry today, I wanted to talk about how I am feeling at this moment and what the future holds for both myself and my partner.  The situation, as it stands today, is not something we would have desired, nor something we wish to carry on indefinitely.  Long distance relationships can and do work here, probably more than most.  There are many people, that I have met, who's partners and husbands work away in other countries for parts of each year.  Gran Alacant offers a relatively affordable base, for these type of relationships to exist.  You can live here for a third of the cost you have in The UK, so my situation is a no brainer.  There really isn't another option available to us at the moment.

​I do have Jamie living here with me, so in truth I am not entirely on my own, although he is here less and less, as one would expect.  As a young, very young, twenty year old, you do, tend to spend more and more time out; the majority of the time I am on my own.  I actually have  no problem spending time in my own company; in many respects, after 21 years I am grateful for the change.  I am always doing something and have a lot to occupy my day, whether writing, walking or spending time in the squares around Gran Alacant, where I do know many different people.

As time has moved on, over these last three months, I have discovered that when it comes right down to it, I am really the only person I can rely on.  Other people claim to be this that and the other; your best friend, friends forever, whatever; actually they probably never were.  As individuals, we are really very much on our own, so have to make of this life, whatever we can.  I personally haven't been living singularly, since the age of sixteen, so for me, this is a learning curve also, one that at the moment, I am finding relatively hard to deal with.  That is not to say I will always find it difficult!

So what exactly am I finding hard?  I suppose the hardest thing to deal with, is the loneliness.  One does spend most of the time on one's own.  Unlike Darrell, I have no family or close friends here in Spain.  There is no support network, for myself, as there used to be in The UK.  I can't rely on anyone for help or advice.  There are many people I know here, but certainly no one I would push my problems on to.  In the end I have to get through these tough times on my own, which can make life very difficult.

I have no access to transport, so I walk everywhere.  No bad thing I hear you say, and of course you are right;   I could do with losing weight.  There is a local shop here, where I buy my food, which is of course expensive, so that can be a downside at times; especially with little or no income.

When we were told, we had to leave The UK, we had no idea where life would take us. When you are confronted by horrendous revelations, given no funds to relocate and told to get on with it, you do or die.  We did as much as we could, together, at the beginning.  It is now up to us both as individuals to get through, what comes next. This is proving even more difficult, than what came before.  No matter how bad things got, after Easter 2015, we did at least have each other.  Circumstances are very different now, so we have to find a way of making this new situation work, in the same way we did, when we left the UK.

​For the moment there is very little either Darrell or myself can do about our situation. Darrell is caring for his Mother and looking for work in an Australia, a Country he  quite simply no longer knows or understands. A place that has changed out of all proportion, making our lives even more difficult, than they were already.  The money he receives in Australia will pay for our life here, just!

My role is to do all I can to secure a full time time and at least regain a sense of direction, albeit on my own. Overcoming the loneliness is key to my success.  I don't have an endless supply of money, so can't really sit in bars drinking all day, getting to know people, so have to put up with these four walls, I write frequently and have the internet, which without which, I would be even more isolated than I am already.

I am really not as unhappy as this entry may suggest.  I am relishing new opportunities to write, work in a school, even if it is only once a week and meeting some fabulous, new people, many of whom I can now call friends.  The only difficulty is the harsh realities of Spanish life.  No benefits of any kind, even in my precarious position. Wages are low, contracts expensive and unemployment is high.  Trying to navigate through the system, is also difficult on your own.  All these factors make for a bumpy ride at the moment.

I am really not sure about my long time future in all honesty.  For once in my life I am lost for words and a little bit directionless.  I know from Darrell, that he would like to stay in Spain, although I am not sure about Gran Alacant.  I am very happy here, but the opportunities do not exist, in the same way they would elsewhere.  At least we both agree on where we want to be.  It is clear that we will both have to get through these tough times together, although apart and hopefully come out the other side.

It is true to say, I do get bitter at times; who wouldn't after what we went through. When I look at other people and how easy their lives are, compared to ours, it does leave me feeling exhausted and hopeless sometimes.  Many people just sail through life, everything handed to them on a plate, no battles, no worries, no debts or regrets. Darrell and I have never had any good luck, foresight or help, we have literally always been on our own.  When you lose one half of a partnership, it can really be a deflating experience.  I am not used to this way of life, but am fully aware of my intentions, to not go back to The UK; so I have to do all I can to survive, until we establish our credentials both here and in Australia.

​Standing on one's own, is something I never thought would happen; it has, so I have to get on with surviving, with what I have.  I am learning so much about life, others and myself, that I could never question my reasons for being here.  If that is all I gain from this period in my life, then it would all have been worth it!

Yesterday, I wrote a little about whistleblowing.  I have written much on this subject in the past, and thought I would write an addendum, to my blog entry entitled, Charlatan or Confidant Part VI.  It is important to note, that at the time these conversations took place, documented in yesterday's entry, myself and my partner were not in situ, at our place of employment.  This would have made it impossible to whistleblow on an unravelling situation, where in my view, other people were being put at risk.  It was the duty of my colleagues to report any irregularities that were occurring!

I have always been a champion of the vulnerable.  I believe their rights should be respected and enshrined in law.  I suppose when I started to work for Oxfam, I believed part of my role, would be to protect the rights of ALL individuals; after all, as a charity, Oxfam must respect those who have no voice, mustn't they?  Well as I am fully aware of now, Oxfam did nothing to protect those who needed their support.  When a complaint was made, about the treatment of a member of staff, who had been mocked and insulted because of his disability, Oxfam in its wisdom, decided to take the person who whistleblew to task; making the situation about them, not the person who needed help.

This whole shoddy episode, still shocks me today.  I believed in everything, this largest of charities, stood for.  I would have fought their corner to the death, yet, the disgraceful, vile and destructive way they approached a situation, that should have been immediately resolved, without any problem at all, beggars belief.  A disabled gentleman, left to the mercy of two dubious individuals, who had made threats against others, sexually harassed the same individual and had repeatedly lied, schemed and directed homophobic abuse, to an already violated person.  This was intolerable and one of the worst misjudgements I have ever witnessed; from a charity, the biggest charity, who were trying to protect their reputation and a proven Sociopath, in order to limit damage to them.

What an abhorrent way to act.  Allowing individuals to carry on bullying others, because Oxfam were too afraid of the consequences; It was absolutely unbelievable. The organisation, I joined eight years prior, was no more a protector of rights, than Donald Trump is a champion of the poor.  My illusions about this detestable charity were immediately shattered.  

I asked the person, who whistleblew recently, if they had any regrets in doing so.  They said, they would do it again and again, which says much about their integrity.  They, like myself lost everything because of OXFAM GB and not once did this failed charity ever have the decency to apologise, for their incandescent lies and manipulation.

I also have whistleblown in the past, I have done so in this case and will always do so again.  I believe others, still working for Oxfam, need to look inside themselves;  reach into their consciences and souls and stand united against the kind of behaviour, all normal people should reject out of hand.  Many of my colleagues, who I understood to be honourable and noble, have done nothing to reinforce that view.  They have allowed, not just one Area Manager, but a whole group of individuals, to play games with others lives; damaging the most needy and corrupting others; whilst those in the know, stand by and allow this to continue.  Shocking is an understatement.

My advice to those who are still there, is to stand tall against those who seek to cause harm to others, before they start on you, as they of course will eventually.  Luckily for us, we are now far from the fray, although we still hear exactly what is going on, from others who are witness to it and those who have resigned after us.

In time the 'Sociopaths' at work, within the structure of Oxfam will be caught and all those responsible; those who turned a blind eye and the ones who joined their appalling games, will answer for what they have done.  Always be aware Oxfam, that although I live in Spain, I will always try to bring you to book.  The anger in me, will always be there, because you did nothing and watched, as people were destroyed.  You will never silence someone, who requires closure.  

I know many people from Oxfam continue to read my blogs, which is a great compliment to me.  When you all have the balls to stand up to degenerates, give me a call,  I will be there, giving evidence against some terrible people and disgusting crimes.  Don't ever believe what you did to us will go away, It will not.  I may well have been advised to leave my country and start a new life, but because of you, I will never forgive or forget.  You will get you just deserts one day, very, very soon!

​There, got that off my chest!
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Penny's words are in light green script, mine are in dark blue!  These are online messages, sent in real time, so the grammar, punctuation, will not be perfect!  I have used single capital letters to keep the names of those involved confidential! I have also highlighted important sentences in red!

​26/06/2015 

You know what. I can't sleep, naturally. I wanted to say I'm proud we all stood up. I feel great sadness, I feel terribly old, but it doesn't matter. Doing the honourable thing, finally. Thanks for making us do this. I feel so strong right now, despite the worst experience of my life...x

Xxxx

Ok, I've dug too far. Spoke to a Solicitor friend. He said from what I said she is a Sociopath. I knew she was. He has said we should get out and deal with this from a distance. Can you guarantee our safety or not. I know this should not get out now. I know how serious it is. I am not going to say a thing. Just tell me if we should leave. This is a nightmare. Please just give me straight advice. We can leave today if we have too. It must be awful for you at Oxfam too. I am seriously worried for our wellbeing. A friend who works in HR, has also said to leave soon as.

Myself in all honesty? D will receive a disaplinary; he was involved in some if the inappropriate conversations that went on in his shop. You: she really doesn't have anything on you to suggest any grievances. So in short, if I were D; I'd be looking for another position, if u were you, I would stand my ground.
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Ps. Have no concerns for me, she isn't strong/power/intelligent enough to take me on; she knows it, I know it; HR know it xx

The conversations are false as you know. He was bullied and you encouraged this . This is about removing us, it always was. Can't believe i trusted you!
So D will be fired, for what? x

What???? I'm confused? D won't be fired! But he will have to face a disciplinary! Probably a written/verbal warning! I assume. D is in bits over the bullying! Yes quite right fully so! But do you think he has the strength of character to deal with v and the other 2 if they remain in situ? I hope he does! But my concern is: he will feel further bullied! Ps sorry I missed your call; I was getting dressed. xxx

I need to phone quickly x

Penny:

Oxfam and the way this whole incident t has been handled has really surprised me, disappointed me to an extent. I still am struggling with the fact that 3 people are still in situ after a safe guarding breech had been made! X
Yeah be quick xx

The whistle blowing number is 00441865472120 or you can email: whistleblowing@oxfam.org.uk x

All the numbers are in there! It's changed and took a fair bit of digging to find this document. X
Now what can I disclose to Dave? I will wait until you've spoke. To me; before I Jo down and see him; but I will give H a quick call x

It's ok, I spoke to s. He told me D's safety would be protected. Thanks L x

Are you calmer and happier with that knowledge? Xx

Always calm Penny. Always trusted S and his integrity!

Good! X

Right now i feel like a manipulated vulnerable employee. No more games!

Bless you L, I really do feel for both of you! I'm shocked with how this has been allowed to continue! I'm disappointed and disgusted that people are still in situ! x

Luke:

Why do you want me to whistle blow on Oxfam. They are good people, and dealing with it!. I know you are disgusted, so am I, but my options are limited to this procedure! xs
I am concerned for what that guy told me, but I can not make assumptions, only take advice. Our safety is of importance atm. x
Why can't you whistleblow if u have concerns? x

Why? If you feel unhappy with the outcome of the investigation currently taking place, as your friend, I'd like to assume you that you will have every avenue open to you! You can't whistle blow,( I believe?) until the investigation has concluded. But to ensure that you are treated fairly, safely and with integrality. I know that you would offer me the same support! Hence my constant suggestion to involve your union. I am dismayed that these people are still in situ!!?!? I really do not understand how/why they are all still there?!? So in short, I just want to make sure that both if you are protected and covered! No stones left unturned, so to speak! I really don't trust V and would not be surprised if she pulled some dirty tricks? X

Penny:

Believe me! I have absolutely no "qualms" on whistle blowing! I have done it on numerous occasions. And no doubt will probably do it on this occasion again! X
I'm off to go and speak to Dave! X
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I agree, but I have no firm evidence on V, that would be inappropriate. Since people just talk in riddles. I have been told what is their belief only. If we get past the riddles. it would be different x
I am not currently in post, so have no idea what is going on. If people are concerned they should deal with it. I am not a scape goat! x

If you believe myself or Jason are at risk, I would of course act x

Helen, is something wrong~? x

Just on the phone to D x

I asked him to phone. Concerned! x

Ok I am worried, do you need help? x

Why has B's email address been removed? x

No sorry I'm ok just got side tracked with customer D and an interview! Oh and  D phoning. Xx

Beth has been removed from oxfam email? x

I do not want L taking my statement. Her whole report on D is inaccurate, all of it. This has to stop!
Police are ringing me in an hour. This ends now! x

28 June 2016

Relapse 3 in 3 months. The most dangerous ever. It is now the time to act. L was the closest yet to dying. JG got him through this. Where were Oxfam? Someone soon will die. Other people cleaning up the mess again. Last night was shocking, that this was left to happen again. It is criminal. 

Ring me x

I met you in 1992; purple hair, individual, heart so big, you continued to give, even when you had nothing. Something others could learn from and aspire too. When I remember you, on the 9th November, tears will be crossed with laughter. So many happy times, memories, shared pain and living life, together; experiencing a gay scene that cared and looked out for one another; an altogether better time. Forever in my heart, always in my thoughts. I look forward to seeing you again one day! Daz