Standing on one's own!

29/10/2016

Darrell has been away for approximately three months now. During this time, things haven't been easy, it has to be said. When one has been with one's partner for 21 years, spending such a long time apart from one another, is not going to be an easy ride, for many different reasons. In my blog entry today, I wanted to talk about how I am feeling at this moment and what the future holds for both myself and my partner. The situation, as it stands today, is not something we would have desired, nor something we wish to carry on indefinitely. Long distance relationships can and do work here, probably more than most. There are many people, that I have met, who's partners and husbands work away in other countries for parts of each year. Gran Alacant offers a relatively affordable base, for these type of relationships to exist. You can live here for a third of the cost you have in The UK, so my situation is a no brainer. There really isn't another option available to us at the moment.

I do have Jamie living here with me, so in truth I am not entirely on my own, although he is here less and less, as one would expect. As a young, very young, twenty year old, you do, tend to spend more and more time out; the majority of the time I am on my own. I actually have no problem spending time in my own company; in many respects, after 21 years I am grateful for the change. I am always doing something and have a lot to occupy my day, whether writing, walking or spending time in the squares around Gran Alacant, where I do know many different people.

As time has moved on, over these last three months, I have discovered that when it comes right down to it, I am really the only person I can rely on. Other people claim to be this that and the other; your best friend, friends forever, whatever; actually they probably never were. As individuals, we are really very much on our own, so have to make of this life, whatever we can. I personally haven't been living singularly, since the age of sixteen, so for me, this is a learning curve also, one that at the moment, I am finding relatively hard to deal with. That is not to say I will always find it difficult!

So what exactly am I finding hard? I suppose the hardest thing to deal with, is the loneliness. One does spend most of the time on one's own. Unlike Darrell, I have no family or close friends here in Spain. There is no support network, for myself, as there used to be in The UK. I can't rely on anyone for help or advice. There are many people I know here, but certainly no one I would push my problems on to. In the end I have to get through these tough times on my own, which can make life very difficult.

I have no access to transport, so I walk everywhere. No bad thing I hear you say, and of course you are right; I could do with losing weight. There is a local shop here, where I buy my food, which is of course expensive, so that can be a downside at times; especially with little or no income.

When we were told, we had to leave The UK, we had no idea where life would take us. When you are confronted by horrendous revelations, given no funds to relocate and told to get on with it, you do or die. We did as much as we could, together, at the beginning. It is now up to us both as individuals to get through, what comes next. This is proving even more difficult, than what came before. No matter how bad things got, after Easter 2015, we did at least have each other. Circumstances are very different now, so we have to find a way of making this new situation work, in the same way we did, when we left the UK.

The Future

For the moment there is very little either Darrell or myself can do about our situation. Darrell is caring for his Mother and looking for work in an Australia, a Country he quite simply no longer knows or understands. A place that has changed out of all proportion, making our lives even more difficult, than they were already. The money he receives in Australia will pay for our life here, just!

My role is to do all I can to secure a full time time and at least regain a sense of direction, albeit on my own. Overcoming the loneliness is key to my success. I don't have an endless supply of money, so can't really sit in bars drinking all day, getting to know people, so have to put up with these four walls, I write frequently and have the internet, which without which, I would be even more isolated than I am already.

I am really not as unhappy as this entry may suggest. I am relishing new opportunities to write, work in a school, even if it is only once a week and meeting some fabulous, new people, many of whom I can now call friends. The only difficulty is the harsh realities of Spanish life. No benefits of any kind, even in my precarious position. Wages are low, contracts expensive and unemployment is high. Trying to navigate through the system, is also difficult on your own. All these factors make for a bumpy ride at the moment.

I am really not sure about my long time future in all honesty. For once in my life I am lost for words and a little bit directionless. I know from Darrell, that he would like to stay in Spain, although I am not sure about Gran Alacant. I am very happy here, but the opportunities do not exist, in the same way they would elsewhere. At least we both agree on where we want to be. It is clear that we will both have to get through these tough times together, although apart and hopefully come out the other side.

It is true to say, I do get bitter at times; who wouldn't after what we went through. When I look at other people and how easy their lives are, compared to ours, it does leave me feeling exhausted and hopeless sometimes. Many people just sail through life, everything handed to them on a plate, no battles, no worries, no debts or regrets. Darrell and I have never had any good luck, foresight or help, we have literally always been on our own. When you lose one half of a partnership, it can really be a deflating experience. I am not used to this way of life, but am fully aware of my intentions, to not go back to The UK; so I have to do all I can to survive, until we establish our credentials both here and in Australia.

Standing on one's own, is something I never thought would happen; it has, so I have to get on with surviving, with what I have. I am learning so much about life, others and myself, that I could never question my reasons for being here. If that is all I gain from this period in my life, then it would all have been worth it!