Reflecting on 2015!

Well it's the end of another year and what a year it has been.  2015 has been another trying, but enlightening, year for me.  I tend to work on five-year cycles.  That is not to say that every five years, there is disaster, but these years are always ones of great change and upheaval.  If one goes back in five year blocks, until the year 1995, every five years we have endured great renewal.  Most of these times are forced upon us, following traumatic events.  Whether these are to do with Bipolar, I have no idea. 2015 was one of those years that came running head long into my life, without warning.  If I look back to New Year's Eve, last year, it began with such promise, surrounded by people I love and it was a happy evening.  I saw smiles on the faces, I hadn't seen in a while, even I was happy to celebrate the New Year, with hope that, this time, it would be the best of years.  Like so many times of joy and hope, things, never quite end up being what one had wished for!

​2015 started well, I asked Darrell to Marry me on New Year's Eve.  This was the positive me.  2015 was our anniversary year.  Twenty years together as a couple.  A relationship, formed under the most difficult of circumstances, and we had reached a milestone, not many same-sex couples have reached.  I wanted to cement our relationship, by getting married, legally, in front of all our friends and in the eyes of the law.  Finally legal in all respects.  This is something I had always wanted to do, it is something I had planned for a long time and for the first time I wanted to follow it through to the end. Most planned changes or events, almost always fell by the wayside.  They were spur of the moment things that never amounted to much, born in my Bipolar mind, that never really grasped the gravitas of a situation, or treated an important decision as a Headline without substance. However, this time, it was different, this time I wanted us to follow through, no matter what the circumstances.  It had meaning and was important for us as a couple and to show all those who doubted us as a couple, that we were forever together, no matter what they may think.  We have had so many detractors, during our time together, that you will understand the meaning of asking my long term partner to marry me, was the only goal I set for 2015, and I would not deviate from it, no matter what.

​As so often happens to most of us in life, nothing quite pans out the way we would have hoped.  A few words, off the back of a celebration, conceived in a mind that constantly flip-flops from one idea to another, can be hard to stay the course. However, I am stubborn and obstinate and can be as determined as the rest of you, so in the cold light of day, asking Darrell to make it legal, held as strong as when I asked him. A surprise for me also, but I am happy we both did what we knew was right.

​2015 was not only the year we got married, but it was also to be the worst year of our lives in every respect.  My Bipolar was unstable, I was becoming more ill, as each new day of the year rolled on.  I was not given the professional guidance or indeed afforded the legal safeguards necessary, in order to progress through this stage of my life.  In March 2015, I had what was referred to as a Bipolar Relapse.  In the build up to this, during the weeks before, I was unwell, as both my partner and close friends will testify.  They were trying times, although I remember very little about them.  The highs were higher than they had ever been, and the lows equally so.  After a terrifying few weeks, I tried to take my own life, whilst Manic.  I was happy to jump off a bridge and take my own life.  The fact that I had reached this decision, whilst high, was not something I had ever experienced.  I was usually very low, emotionally sad and at the end of a particularly traumatic cycle.  I was arrested by two Police Officers, who stopped me from carrying out what I had set out to do.  I was put in a cell and demanded that I was sectioned.  I was not of sound mind and for me, this was the only course of action left.

​Even when I begged to be sectioned, it was still not meant to be. After speaking to four Doctors, they agreed to let my partner, Darrell, take charge of my care.  I was rushed to my surgery and was given sedatives, to finally stop the Mania.  Again, I remember very little of what happened, nor the few months that followed.  The only reference to what had happened was recorded and written by me in my first blog, Bipolarcoaster.  I still haven't re-read the entries, so have no idea, where my life was at that point.  I have been made aware, who was there, even if I don't remember it myself.

​The weeks that followed were the most challenging of my life.  People came into my life, under the most dubious of circumstances, and although I wasn't entirely comfortable with their presence, I accepted it, through my partner's assurances. Whilst suffering with illness, Darrell was also going through his own trauma, suffering at the hands of bullies, during a time when I was the most sick I had ever been.  I was unaware of Darrell's turmoil, until he, like me collapsed through the unrelenting pressure of others, increased at a time, when I was ill and he was becoming ill himself.  When he finally gave in to the pressure of depression, and we were finally able to deal with just what was happening, our situation became worse.  We were lucky to have some very close friends who are the only reason, we are both still alive and kicking.  Darrell was on medication and had reached dreadful lows and a period of continual suicidal thoughts.  A major source of help for Darrell, a person he trusted and always gave advice, and yes a friend, was acting strangely, taking advantage of our situation and at a time when we both should have been seeking professional help, she had become our only outlet to the outside world, offering a mixture of platitudes, wrong advice and freely offloading more damaging information, causing further relapse and illness for us both.  Our friends persuaded us not to listen any further, To add to our confusion, she told us, the ones who were there helping, were bad for us and we should end friendships.  Luckily, I didn't listen and kept these core group of people ever closer.

​I know now, that this was a time, when bad people sought to isolate both of us, so this person could have full control over us and our destiny.  I remember during one heated exchange with her, she told me to go away for a while, concentrate on myself and let her take control of Darrell's well-being. For a moment, she nearly succeeded. Had that happened, once again things would have been very different.  Something inside of me set alarm bells ringing. This was not about a friend offering advice, this was about an unscrupulous individual wanting to have full control over two people, at a time when they were sick.

​I can't actually remember when I finally woke up and realised what was going on, but I rang some help line, had some counselling and spoke to the Charity, Solent Mind, who finally made me realise just what had been going on.  I have written about the details of realisation, but had I not sought professional help, I would still, even today, be wondering what if? I was assigned an Advocate who became instrumental in my recovery, even getting me to a stage, where I could finally return to work. 

This was not going to last.  Darrell had poured his heart out to the wrong people in the past, at times when he could not cope with my condition.  Even when both of us were ill and Darrell was at his most suicidal, he was still receiving bulling threats, so it was no surprise, that when I returned to work, these would increase.  When these threats turned to blackmail, Darrell finally told me the truth.  I accepted what he said, but with everything else I put it to the back of my mind, although realised, that by returning to a job I loved, it would only serve to make things worse, so resigned.  Even then, after I quit, we received more calls and damage was caused to personal property.  No let up and even worse bullying. 

​My health has once again suffered, further psychiatric injury, as we approach 2016, bought about by people who remain free to continue a campaign of harassment, that in reality hasn't stopped, nor will it ever cease.  I have been told just what I am dealing with, how to cope with it, but the reality is, in order to have some form of closure, we have to up sticks and leave, as we were advised months ago.

​We have about five weeks left here in The UK, then we can finally retreat to a new life.  Of course this will also have its own obstacles, but we do hope to finally be free of this last year, free of the worst, others can throw, free of the turmoil and free of the harassment we have both suffered.

​I hope you all have a fantastic 2016, no more than we wish for ourselves.  Thank you to everyone for all you have done this year, you will always be in our thoughts!