I've certainly had a week of ups and downs; with face coverings now compulsory across the UK, Sunday has become my mask washing day. I actually have one for every day of the week now, understanding what most people don't, that masks should be washed or in the case of disposable ones, discarded after each use.

Like all of us, I am still trying to get used to the concept of wearing a piece of cloth in front of my face; it isn't the most comfortable of pastimes and is particularly irritating to say the least. Walking around the shop where I work, I also have to wear PPE, along with customers, which is only right. Nevertheless, there are those who refuse to conform to the 'new normal,' which can be pretty disheartening for people like me, who have to work every day. I fail to understand why people would ignore the new rules and regulations and like the vast majority of the public, I am happy to do what is right. In order to avoid a second wave, all of us have to change our lives. Putting on a face covering isn't the most difficult of tasks, when one considers those who have died during this pandemic!

On Monday it was another morning volunteering at Cancer Research, doing my best to sort out the electrical department. I haven't actually been feeling a hundred percent for the last seven days and when I woke up Monday morning I was in two minds, whether to even go in. I knew however, that just being at the shop would cheer me up and it wasn't too long before I started to feel a little better.

Having IBS can really get me down at times, and I knew on Monday that I was starting to get a flare up. Together with the hiatal hernia pain, I really wasn't feeling great at all. The worst part of a flare up is feeling that something more sinister is going on. I had also come to the end of a course antibiotics for another UTI; I guess the digestive issues I have been experiencing over the last few years have come to a head, making me feel down and depressed.

After speaking to a friend I decided to order a PSA test, to make sure my prostate was working properly. Rather than waiting for the NHS, especially during the middle of a pandemic, I obtained one privately and will take it later on today, once the antibiotics are finally out of my system.

Cancer Research is the one day of the week I can relax and unwind despite the way I feel. Today I am still feeling pretty unwell, but will force myself out of bed tomorrow and once again do the volunteering I enjoy, it's the only thing that takes my mind off my problems and being surrounded by like-minded individuals is the best tonic money can buy.

Our weekly family toast ended last Thursday, but Darrell and I are continuing to do our own toast to each other. Thursdays have brought both of us closer together, and we both feel it is important to keep that family tradition going. It does seem on the surface at least that this pandemic is winding down, but I have my doubts. The original reason for the family get together each week is still there and I have a feeling it won't be too long before we are toasting one another, in lockdown once again.

Darrell is coping remarkably well in Australia, even as the country enters winter. The infection rate, especially in the eastern states is rising dramatically, on a par with Britain, so it is a frightening time for him and his Mother, who is also doing OK under the circumstances. Thursday will always be a day for Darrell and I to get together and celebrate our years together.

Also, on Thursday My Aunt and I and the kids travelled to Hayling Island to attend a family lunch. Getting onto the Island was a bit of a nightmare as per usual, nevertheless we all had a great day spent with family, a rare thing these days. It's nice to be around lots of children, something I am not used to, but it has become a rather big part of my life. Family has become the backbone of my time back home in Portsmouth and during this devastating period, it has allowed me to form bonds I wouldn't otherwise have had the opportunity to do.

Darrell and I are looking to buy a holiday home on the island when everything returns to normal and have started looking at places near to the beach. Both of us have options open to us, whether here in the UK or abroad, but establishing a base is important as we grow older. In time, we both hope to finally settle somewhere, but I am certainly relishing my time at my Aunts and have no plans to move anywhere else quite yet. When you spend time with loved ones, you realise just who the important people are. Hopefully I will also be able to see my Father soon, when Government restrictions allow.

It has been a strange old week; more mask wearing, as we move into the next phase of the pandemic, rules and regulations to get used to and welcome contact with family adding an air of normality in this crazy World. Britain does feel a little more like it used to, but none of us can be sure what is round the corner, until then, we just carry on as normal....Have a great week y'all!

First day back at Cancer Research today, after a four-month break. It was great to see so many familiar faces and although the 'new normal' prevented us from working in exactly the same way we were used to, we did our best to carry on as best we could. It was good to know fiends and colleagues hadn't changed a bit, each with their own lockdown story to tell, but like me, everyone was pleased to be back, making money for Cancer Research UK!

All of us have different reasons for volunteering; for many spending time with others is important, especially if they live alone. Cancer Research promotes friendships and encourages volunteers to form bonds, that they wouldn't otherwise have had. COVID-19 put a stop to social interaction and many of my colleagues have spent the last sixteen weeks alone. Coming back to this little shop in Portsmouth, has once again given them the confidence to express themselves in the company of others, something sadly missing in all our lives until recently. Getting back to the way things were isn't going to be easy, but tiny tentative steps should help, as all of us begin the process of once again reconnecting with others!

I am thrilled to be back with some truly wonderful co-workers, who I have dearly missed. I am known for calling Cancer Research my 'Happy Place,' because that is exactly what it is. It boosts my sense of self-worth and gives me something to look forward to each week, able to chat with companions and make money for a cause I champion. It feels fantastic to be home - the first place I started working when I returned from Spain and a part of my life I will always hold dear!

Cancer Research reopened today, after closing its doors nearly four months ago, just before the pandemic took hold in the UK. I will be returning to my voluntary job next week, but wanted to pop into the shop today, to see what measures are in place when I finally start on Monday morning. Not knowing what to expect, I was pleasantly surprised  at how organised everything was. By their very nature, charity shops, create the feeling of cluttered disorder, so working in such an environment will be yet another challenge to overcome in the age of COVID.

I stayed for about an hour chatting to Zerina and Sam, as they navigated this new World, which remains alien to them on their first working day. Of course, having worked for Tesco for the last four months during the height of the virus, I am well-used to the social distancing measures in place to protect staff and customers; Cancer Research have done well to get everything ready and in place for the reawakening today.

It was great sat talking with Zerina once again, having only spoken to her on the phone; I have always enjoyed her company and as with the Newcome on Saturday, it felt like I had never been away. She was her usual jovial self  and realistic about the difficulties ahead. My biggest concern is accepting donations from the public and what procedures are in place to limit exposure to any potential danger. By next Monday, I will be working in three front facing, customer orientated roles and that leaves me at a higher risk than most, so anything that can be done to protect me at this time is important. I am a natural worrier who suffers with anxiety, so reassurance and peace of mind are mandatory to my sense of well-being!

All donations will be stored for 72 hours before being displayed in the shop, in case of any contamination. There are of course gloves, masks and visors, should I need them and like most other establishments, a one way system is in place. I feel confident enough to return and once again next week and want to play my part at this crucial time. Too much Cancer research has been put on hold and with a lack of income, charities have suffered more than most, so as someone who has volunteered for many years, I feel it is right to continue to help raise funds, for a cause that is dear to my heart.

I would like to wish everyone at the shop the best of luck for the future, and look forward to playing a small role in the perpetual success of this friendly shop, at a time when the World needs all the help it can get!

Stay safe everyone!

Socially the Coronavirus is having a big impact on the nation. Many countries stopped their citizens socially interacting weeks ago and much of their population are in lockdown at home. Socialising has become a dangerous pastime, one that could quite literally cost you your life. I have been inside for the last three days myself unwilling to go outside for any length of time, not wanting to be around large groups of people. I am following Government advice to the letter as I believe everyone should be. Already Coronavirus is a scourge on society, even though the streets are still full of people. Not socialising with others is going to be hard, but we really must start doing it!

Today I briefly popped into town to get a few provisions. Although many of the shelves were empty, it did feel like the panic had calmed down somewhat. There are social distancing measures in place, and I was able to keep away from people in the queue safely. This is important for all of us, as we try to avoid this deadly virus, especially now, when little is known about it. It does feel odd elbow bumping and foot tapping, rather than kissing on the cheek or shaking hands, but it is a sign of the times, part of the changing social sphere!

On the way home, I went into Cancer Research to say a fond farewell to Zerina and the team. Their network of shops is closing from today for the duration and it seems likely they won't be opening again for sometime. Naturally everyone is concerned about the lack of money for research, but it is the safest thing to do. I have always enjoyed my shifts at this little shop in the heart of Portsmouth and will be sorry to see it go, even for a short period of time. Cancer Research was my social outlet, and I was great friends with many who worked there. I will of course keep in contact through the wonders of social media and with a bit of luck, it won't be too long before we are open again.

Today I was due to go to Gloucester to see old friends Paul and Michelle. I met them whilst living in Spain, two people who did much to help me adjust to my new life in Spain and haven't seen them for quite a while. It is a great sadness to me, that I haven't been able to visit these two lovely people, I was looking forward to seeing them so much after so long. I have rearranged my train ticket for later on in the year and hope I will be able to go in the near future. However, with the situation in Britain the way it is, it is doubtful I will be able to go any time soon. This is yet another social distancing measure, which is changing the way all of us live in Britain and it will continue for a long time, possibly a year or more. I am still very much in shock at what is transpiring right across the World, none of us ever expected anything like this!

Like many people I have been doing my best to try to relax, taking my mind off this unfolding drama. Until recently I haven't watched much television, but today I find myself scrolling through Netflix looking for programmes to watch, which is a total departure from normal life for me at least. Despite my fears and anxieties at this time, I am trying to use my time productively and partaking in a little light entertainment when I can, as I'm sure most of you are. As the days turn to weeks and months, we will all rely more heavily to the internet and television, so it is comforting to know that we can at least continue to enjoy the benefits that connectivity brings; enjoy life even if it has changed out of all comprehension, we are indeed living through historic times!

As a child I was very much a loner, preferring my own company to that of others. I would spend hours in my room, writing, reading or watching television, consequently I had very few friends to speak of and spent the first decade and a half of my life without many people around me. That is what suited me at the time, I wasn't a people person and found others annoying and tiresome. I don't remember enjoying my teenage years at all, in fact it was an extremely gruelling and formidable time. Without friends my experiences were pretty nondescript and unmemorable; these were years I would rather forget and by and large have, only touching on their relevance  from time to time.

On Thursday evening I went out with friends from my voluntary job at Cancer Research, to a new restaurant here in Portsmouth. I thoroughly enjoyed being in their company and had a fantastic night, as I always do with this bunch. In 2020 my life is very different and I mix with many people. I suppose I actually like being centre of attention and the introverted child I was, is no longer a person I comprehend. When I left school, I evolved into someone very different, in many respects an individual I didn't recognise but someone I liked; I finally found out who I was and rather late, granted, became the personality I am today. Education kept me in a box away from the real World and never allowed me to be the unique, slightly eccentric guy I am. I did well at school, but I didn't excel, I didn't fulfil my dreams and become the person I craved. For the most part I didn't mix with others because I didn't enjoy their company, find them stimulating or even fit in with their agenda. The few friends I did have were like me and as I discovered later in life, went through the same traumas I did. Life was not easy as a kid, but it did teach me a lot about the World and how to stand on my own two feet without the help of others.

My journey from the age of sixteen was full of people, weird and wonderful characters who have remained a part of my life for many years. I was attracted to like-minded individuals, mainly from the gay community which I played an active role in and discovered there were other people like me. Looking back at my school days now, I am sure my homosexuality played a big part in my discontent and stopped me from following my dreams and aspirations. The awkwardness I felt for many years was really the product of my hidden sexuality and the times I grew up in.

After decades living on a gay scene, that could be destructive at times, inward looking and surrounded by more so-called friends than I could ever hope for, I have reached a cross road in my life, where I am now looking to achieve a balance between friends, family, work life and me time. Today I literally have too many people around me and making time for each one of them can be challenging. Of course, I no longer live on a large gay scene or have a large gay family to contend with on a daily basis, but I still have connections with others that I need and want to keep alive. Those closest are the ones that stood the test of time and have always been there on my journey. These are the ones who never judged me for my failings, accepted my sexuality and were there when others were not; these were the friends who made me who I am today.

I have lost many companions along the way, mainly through choice and realising they were not the people I thought they were. At 48 years old I am not afraid to tell someone where to go, especially if I believe they are making me feel like that depressed child I once was. I have a lifestyle that involves working three jobs, blogging, writing and socialising when I am able, if others can't make allowances for that, then they can not be a part of my life. I can't be that weekend party animal I used to be or spend two hundred pounds drinking on a Saturday night, while those financially better off than I can. The reality is, I am just an average, hard-working guy, I haven't had an amazing career, made oodles of money or boast about my achievements, but I am happy being me. Content with the friends I have, I  am no longer looking for the recognition and approval I used to crave. My life is difficult, challenging, content and eventful. My fate is mine to do with as I please and when I make a decision today it's about what is right for me, not anyone else, just me, my family and the path I have chosen to follow.

It was back to the Cancer Research fold today, after a few weeks break. Not only have I been busy, working everyday for over a fortnight, but I have had a few personal issues to sort out. It really felt good to be back with the gang, even though I did find it hard.

Let me explain...

...On Thursday I was put on beta blockers, a drug that slows your heart rate down. As a person, I have always suffered with anxiety, nothing major, but enough of an issue to see my Doctor about. On top of this, I have had some blood pressure and heart issues, culminating in a rather high heart rate of 198 beats per minute. After explaining my concerns to my GP, she suggested taking beta blockers, they not only slow your heart down but also help deal with the physical symptoms of anxiety. Well I duly followed her advice and started a course of Propranolol on Thursday; 40 mg up to three times a day, hoping to at least start dealing with the concerns I currently have.

I have been in a little bit of a daze since taking these pills and have found adjusting to them rather difficult, but understand it is important to carry on taking the medication. Today with my heart rate down to 55 beats a minute, I made my way to Cancer Research to begin a few hours work, hoping to overcome the side effects I am suffering. Being around Zerina and everyone who work there is always a tonic and I got through the day remarkably well, despite feeling lightheaded and rather unsteady at times. I have reduced the dose of Propranolol I am taking, from 40mg to 10mg, hoping to gradually increase the level administered over the next few weeks. I really am not enjoying the ghastly aftermath these tablets are causing, but am sure it will change in time.

Interestingly another volunteer was able to reassure me about beta blockers, explaining his difficulties using them himself, allowing me to breath a sigh of relief somewhat, understanding more about just how this medication works. For a time this morning I was concerned my heart was beating far too slowly, but believe this is all part of the initial stages of 'bedding in,' as my body gets used to its new regime. The advice I was given today has lifted my mood and allowed me to look forward positively, trying to focus on the bigger picture, rather than panicking about the side effects.

Being around the team at Cancer Research was a joy this Monday, lifting ones spirits at an onerous time; enjoying the company of friends, dressing up and in lighthearted mood, I was able to put my problems on the back burner. Laughter is the biggest medicine of all, better than all the beta blockers in the World, so it's the most important time of the week for me, a time that I will always cherish fondly, making money for good causes, memories for today and affording meaning where there was none; there's no better pay packet than that!