It's been another debilitating week if I am honest. Living in the new COVID-19 World, has really taken its toll over the last week and there have been many occasions, I've just wanted to run away and hide. The constant anxiety triggering situations, are getting me down more and more, as each day passes. However, I am one of the lucky ones, who is active and able to carry on living as normal a life as possible. Work, in whatever capacity, is the real saving grace for me. Being around people is so important right now and on the day the Government announced Portsmouth is moving into the higher Tier 3, of Coronavirus restrictions, I am able to at least appreciate the little things that make me happy.

Entertainment venues, pubs and restaurants will be shutting down from Saturday and for those not working, on furlough, it is yet another blow to their sense of well-being, in this crazy time we are living in. Luckily, I am surrounded by people every day, it is rare for me to spend anytime on my own, so yet another draconian lockdown won't change my life that much. In reality, I haven't eaten out in a while, or even been able to spend quality time with friends, for an even longer period of time, but that doesn't seem to be bothering me too much.

At Cancer Research I am surrounded by friends and colleagues and each of us have done our best, to make each other smile. I have always had a great sense of fun anyway and my few hours a week volunteering just brings out the best, or some would say, worst in me. Monday morning is a time to relax and unwind from the previous week and I do make the most of my shift; this is a day I look forward to, suffering mentally when the shop was closed during the first wave of the pandemic. It is easy to see how people lose hope when they live alone, can not leave their homes or have to shield from the worst of the pandemic.

I am fortunate to be one of those rare breeds of people, who can always keep myself occupied, no matter how long I spend on my own, so this has become a time for reflection, writing and reassessing one's life. My days volunteering, working for a cause I truly believe in, gives me an escape from the worst of 2020. Taking photographs, gossiping and just having people to talk to, is really the icing on the cake, the glue that holds all of us together as a team

With the Newcome Arms closed indefinitely, until it becomes safe to work behind the bar again, I feel one of the lucky ones to still be furloughed. The Newcome is a popular local pub and there will always be a place in the hearts of all the patrons, for this venue; when we do open again, the bar will be as busy as it ever was. Unlike other businesses, the Newcome will bounce back stronger than ever, of that I am assured, and I do look forward to the day I can return safely. I still see many of the customers daily in my 9 to 5 job, less than half a mile away. This local supermarket is the place that has kept me going and stopped me from becoming so depressed, that I find it impossible to function.

Getting up every day, going to a job you love, conversing with colleagues and enjoying the banter with customers has been the biggest lifeline of all. I have worked particularly hard this year, during the pandemic, and it has kept my mind focused on the goals I set for myself. I have had very little time to think about my position and even less time to Wellow in my own self-pity. Listening to the concerns of shoppers and those I work with, have allowed me to forget my own difficulties, for the last nine months, and I am grateful to have had employment at such a challenging time for our country. I never would have believed, just how much my job in a supermarket, would have meant to me this time last year. This job to tide me over, while I stayed in the UK, has been the one thing that has given me a sense of purpose, while so many others lost direction, this has been the chink of light at a time of darkness and the road to freedom, during a year of heartache!

With lockdown at an end in England, I was back doing my bit for the community this Monday, volunteering at Cancer Research in Portsmouth. I am always happy to be working with people who share the same ideals and objectives as me. Everyone who works at the shop in Commercial Road were equally pleased to be making money for the valuable research that has suffered so much during this pandemic.

All charities, up and down the country have taken such a huge drop in income over the last nine months, that it is important they get back to a semblance of normality, especially during this lucrative Christmas season. Understandably many volunteers like me are reluctant to put ourselves at risk, working in such a people centric sector of the economy. When one looks back over the duration of the pandemic, one can see just how badly retail has suffered. High street shop closures, including the Arcadia Group, Debenhams and Bon Marche, highlight the extent of the loss, all of us can see, as we walk through our local shopping arcades and precincts. This is a terrible time for everyone, trying to make ends meet, volatility and uncertainty are the buzz words of the day and it is important all retailers get back to selling.

Monday at the shop was busy, busier than usual, which was great to see. People were out in force Christmas shopping after the four-week lockdown and luckily for Cancer Research, we were able to make some money and break some targets. Like all shops we are fighting for business in a very competitive market, so going that extra mile, working that much harder is important; hopefully we can end the year on a high.

It's great to be back, at least, for as long as it lasts!

..... If you are thinking of getting married in the new year, we have plenty of Wedding dresses for sale. Recycling, reusing and repurposing some trying wonderful pieces. Come in and look around, we are always there to help!

Cancer Research
197 Commercial Road
Portsmouth
Hampshire
PO1 1EA

023 9282 3670

Lockdown is OVER and the shops have finally opened; today was another good day; more positivity in a topsy-turvy world. This 'feeling good' is getting rather habitual, anyone would think I'm actually enjoying myself. Well I can't say I'm relishing every aspect of my life, but I am beginning to see brightness at the end of a very long tunnel. Mercifully I can see new beginnings and the start of betting things to come. I have always been a person who feels the weight of the World on his shoulders and I carry around a lot of anxiety and stress, so when a chink of light, no matter how small or insignificant, presents itself, I tend to grasp it with everything I have.

I have a week off work at the moment and because I have been furloughed from the pub as well, I am able to spend a lot more time with my thoughts and most importantly  my writing. Blogging, discussing ideas and offloading sentiment has always been a great healer, so having more time to write, has allowed me to relax, unwind and put pen to paper, in a way I can't when I am working.  I have so much to say, I often find it difficult to express everything I need to. I say 'need' because that is exactly what I have to do; I have a desire to express myself through contention, probably to relieve the apprehensiveness I often feel, especially at this time!

I took a stroll into town to get a few items from the supermarket; I have been oven cleaning, not my favourite pastime, and wanted to get some more cleaner. The fact that I'm cleaning is in itself a good sign, it means my positive sense of well-being is returning, something I thought had deserted me for good. The truth is I had let myself go recently; feeling run down, old and alone, I was just vegetating, letting the World pass me by, wanting, hoping and wishing for my life to get better. Well my life is still the same, we are still in the middle of a pandemic, but I am at least feeling more effectual and loftier within myself and that's great.

The city centre was buzzing today, there were queues of people everywhere, desperate to go shopping after lockdown. The fact that there were so many people, understandably triggers my anxiety, but despite that, it was still good to see so many faces out and about, I felt alive again. Lockdown 2, just like the first one, has been a very lonely time. I haven't seen anyone except family or work colleagues and I have missed that social interaction, only person to person contact can bring. Hesitant and fearful about where the pandemic goes from here, I did feel relief that cities across the country were once again opening up.

I popped into Cancer Research also, just to make sure everyone was OK. They were all much the same as they were, happy to be back at work, but rather tired of the situation, like all of us. The fact that everyone was there, just like it used to be, chatting away, laughing and joking was more than enough to lift my spirits and make me feel a part of something again. The people at Cancer Research have become more than workmates, they have become close friends, people I enjoy spending time with.

Thankfully I was also able to get my hair cut, the first time I have been to a hairdresser since March this year. Admittedly it was quite an alien experience, having a trim by someone in full PPE. Sat there wearing a mask, is slightly disconcerting also,  and quite frankly, it was rather nerve-racking, but I was just happy to feel normal again, doing everyday stuff, that up until recently we had taken for granted. All of us are creatures of habit, and we just want everything to be conventional, routine and rational, the very opposite of what we are living through today.

I heard on the news this morning, that the new Pfizer vaccine has been approved in the UK and will be rolled out next month, which is even more reason to be optimistic. I do believe we have just turned a corner and this is the beginning of the end of Coronavirus; likewise I feel happier and more content in myself, and I am looking forward to living life once again. Hopefully, when I write my blog next year, I will be able to look back at this time, as the start of something truly wonderful. It will take many months to roll out the new vaccines to everyone in the UK and it is likely circumstances will remain as they are until the spring. Nevertheless, today feels different, there seems to be a sea change in attitudes; the fatigue that had set in a few weeks ago is now beginning to dissipate, as all of us begin to finally breathe a sigh of relief and look forward with hope, not back with consternation.

I have always loved Christmas and all things festive, so decided to put up my little Christmas tree this Thursday. Yes I know it is far earlier than usual, but it has been such a horrible time recently, I just needed a bit of sparkle and colour in my life. Christmas has always lifted my spirits when I am down and with winter drawing in fast, it felt right to begin the festive celebrations early; there's nothing like a fairy light to put a smile on my face.

Of course Christmas this year will be a very different occasion, with only a few family members sitting around the table on Christmas Day and that is sad. I have personally been saving for Christmas since January, putting some money aside each week to ensure all of us have an enjoyable time, but the reality is, it just won't be the same and I will probably keep most of the money for another year, the year we finally get back to normal, when ever that is.

This Yuletide I have bought a multicoloured tree, partly to celebrate my homosexuality and in part the NHS, colours of the rainbow shining brightly at a time of darkness. The more vibrant the decorations the better, as I try and do all I can to remain positive and happy. My state of mind is literally riding a roller-coaster of emotions at the moment. I don't think there has ever been a time when I have felt so worn down. My health has suffered dramatically since lockdown in March; after the likely Coronavirus diagnosis I received in April, it has slowly continued to decline!

Today I am still feeling the after effects of what I suspect was COVID-19. I feel tired, dizzy and achy most days. Initially I put it down to old age and over work, but after speaking to several friends and colleagues who had the virus, it seems they are also suffering from very similar symptoms. This is concerning for me, and I am rather apprehensive about the future ahead. Just how long COVID lingers and the potential enduring effects, nobody knows, but Long COVID is very real and all of us should be aware of it, as we enter the second wave.

Most of the time I try and block out the realities of life, but there are periods when I sit and dwell about the future, this is the time when distraction helps me cope with the awfulness we are all currently living through. A simple  Christmas tree is a reminder of Christmases past, better times spent with Darrell, family and friends. Most importantly for me is the welcome end of 2020, consigned to the history books, as one of the worst years in living memory. A fake evergreen tree symbolising the circle of life, renewal and abundance, even when hope has all but disappeared, is as good as it gets right now; that is a small price to pay.

This is such a difficult interval for friends, family and colleagues; it has become almost impossible to spend any time with those closest. A select number of us had a few nibbles and chatted over a sausage roll and glass of lemonade. Always following the regulations and mindful of the importance of remaining safe during this pandemic, we wished Zerina congratulations on her special day. This was a strange occasion, not our usual party of volunteers, drinking the night away at Yan Woo, but It was nevertheless as memorable as any other evening, even if it was for all the wrong reasons.

Darrell and I also celebrated another milestone this week. This time last year, Darrell arrived in the UK from Australia, to celebrate his Birthday with me in Britain. This month-long stay would be the last time I would see him, before the Coronavirus Pandemic took hold across the World. Looking back, at such a happy time is difficult for me, but I just hope it isn't too long before we see each other again.

I heard from my Member of Parliament as well this week, still working hard to highlight our case. Keeping me updated on his communication with the Home Office, he explained that he still hasn't heard from the Home Secretary, apologising for the length of time it is taking to receive a satisfactory reply. We still have a few months to go, before panic sets in, and we have to rethink our plans, until then I will continue to look on the bright side and celebrate life and all its ups and downs!

Over the last few months I have been gradually changing my lifestyle for many reasons. As you are all aware, I suffer with chronic IBS and have a number of underlying conditions, that probably make me more susceptible to food sensitivity. These have only been noticeable since I returned to Portsmouth from Spain and probably came to the fore, because of the changes I made to my lifestyle when I returned to the UK.

In Spain, I was an expert at living frugally. It was extremely difficult getting hold of the convenience, processed food readily available here. Of course, you could visit one of the many British supermarkets, stocking such products, but these were expensive and few and far between. It was much easier living in the same way the Spanish do and with money in short supply, I began changing my whole outlook on life.

Rather than buying British food from expensive international food aisles in Dialprix, Consum or Mercadona, I bought seasonal fruit and vegetables from the market in Gran Alacant, or the more affordable grocery stores. I chose to buy meat and other products that were on offer, pairing the ingredients for a nutritious 'cheap' alternative; cooking in bulk and freezing leftovers. This worked well for me, and I was able to live off twenty to thirty euro a week. I had graduated from the wasteful existence I had in Britain, to environmentally friendly sustainability, throwing very little away and learning to live a life more in tune with my Mother and Fathers childhood in the 1950s.

In 2020, I am living my life in similar fashion, but for very different reasons. In Spain, I had very little money to live on, so I had to readjust my lifestyle to take account of a limited income. Today I continue to cook in bulk because of the busy life I lead. Spending one day a week cooking for the next seven days, means I don't have to spend hours in the kitchen each evening, when I should be resting from long shifts at work.

My diet has also changed dramatically, since my Gastro Intestinal issues were diagnosed. I am choosing to follow a predominantly plant based diet; meat can be very difficult to digest, for me for at least, so alternatives have been a Godsend as I have tried to make my diet more IBS friendly and healthy. I have never really looked at this type of food before, let alone actually eat it, so it has been a leap into the unknown, but so far I have been pleasantly surprised by the choice out there.

As well as cooking up large pots of Quorn Stew, I am also trying out the other meat alternatives - this week, sausages, Quorn fillets and meatballs. The sausages are particularly delicious, full of flavour and better than normal sausages; yes you heard that right, I actually prefer eating them. Even the sausage rolls taste better in my humble opinion and most importantly do not have any adverse reactions with my GI issues.

However, there is a downside to all this meat free living and it is the cost. It is still far cheaper to eat animal products; if I am honest I would spend half the money I do on my weekly shop, if I could still happily enjoy it, but the truth is I can't. Eating meat is no longer compatible with my well-being and I have had to make dramatic changes to accommodate conditions that I never really knew I had.

I have discovered many foods that I can still eat - sushi, most fresh vegetables, Brie and Camembert, so at least I can still enjoy some cheese, although I no longer eat any other form of dairy. Also, I can eat most nuts, rice, cereal and my all-time favourite Marmite, which is also great for adding flavour to tofu and Quorn. I have removed all refined sugar, including cakes, chocolate and ice cream from my diet, to my absolute horror. It does seem on the surface at least, that I don't get any enjoyment from food any more and I suppose that is partly true.

All the things I used to enjoy, I can no longer eat; I can't remember the last time I had a piece of extra mature cheddar cheese, a chocolate finger, bottle of wine or tub of Ben and Jerry's, but I have found some friendly substitutes that have helped to ease the cravings. Dairy free desserts and chocolate can be quite appetising and causes me no harm whatsoever. It feels as though my body has started to heal after a lifetime of abuse and eating food that was no good for me at all.

Because of the changes I have made, I have been able to reintroduce some food that I couldn't eat just a few weeks ago. Until recently I have only been able to eat sourdough bread, but today I have reintroduced the normal, bog standard sliced loaf, which is about a third of the price and in my opinion tastes far better. I can also eat some pies and pastries, but not too much, so today I was able to buy a couple of home made pies from Zerina at Cancer Research and have had no adverse reaction; I am starting to live life again.

IBS is evolving all the time; one day I can eat one thing and on other days not, so I have to work my way around the complexities these ailments cause. I have taken my eating habits back to basics and gradually reintroduced a few items that I can now stomach once again, but it really has been hard work getting here. As someone who has always been able to eat what I want, I have found this process very difficult to deal with, but it has taught me much about myself and the nature of my body. It has shown me a way of living I have never experienced before, consequently making me feel far healthier and looking a lot trimmer than I was.

Over the last six months I have lost a stone in weight, I am walking a lot more and I have finally started to get to grips with my health, which does continue to cause me problems every day. I do feel fitter in many respects, but unravelling the pain that has been a constant in my life has been difficult. I have had to scream from the rooftops to see Doctors and Consultants, especially during this pandemic, but finally the results are beginning to show through. Exercise every morning and night is helping to ease the back pain I suffer with every day, and I am finally feeling positive and relieved, that I understand problems that have plagued my life for too long. If I have learned anything from this period, it's simply, I can change, adapt and make my life better. When I put my mind to something I can achieve all I want to. So far I'm half way there and thank God the light in finally at the end of the tunnel, helping to point the way to a more productive, satisfying and fulfilling life, without the mistakes of the past!

Contact with Darrell is more important now than ever. He is feeling particularly alone and has very little contact with friends and family here in the UK. He has removed himself from most social media platforms and despite efforts to remain connected with loved ones in Britain, he has been unable to stay as close to people as he would like. I use facebook to keep in contact with many individuals I would otherwise have lost touch with, and without it, I would find it almost impossible to do so, so I can understand why Darrell is finding it hard.

Both of us are starting to make plans for the future, after COVID, but without an endless supply of money, we have to be mindful of our situation. Darrell and I have little or no disposable income, and we save every spare penny we have for our future. It is important we stay focused on our goal of finally having a permanent roof over our heads and do everything we can to achieve that. Buying a home in the UK is completely out of  reach, so it is likely we will once again move abroad and invest in a country that we both love and want to settle in - Spain and Croatia are top of our list, countries we both feel happy in.

As my low moods have increased, I continue to do the things I enjoy most, which does help to get through the worst days. Volunteering has become a cure for my darkest moments. I work with a group of like-minded individuals, who enjoy campaigning for Cancer Research. Unlike most conventional jobs, all of us are happy to be grafting for our chosen charity. The sense of enthusiasm and togetherness shows in our hard work, determination and most importantly, our sense of fun. Monday is the most important day of the week for me, always filled with laughter, optimism and pragmatic energy. My levels of anxiety are reduced significantly and  sense of well-being improved from spending just a short few hours with friends, in a setting that never fails to let me down.

I was also fortunate to have a cup of tea and socially distanced chat with Mrs F, a lady I have tried to take under my wing and look out for, especially during this pandemic. She has very little contact with family, like me, so I like to offer a sympathetic ear, when she needs to talk about the difficulties she faces on a daily basis. Sometimes it feels good to listen to others problems, it puts ones own issues into perspective. Mrs F is a fighter who remains stoical, even in the most extreme circumstances, and she is an inspiration to me. If each and every one of us could spend just a little time with someone like Mrs F, all our lives would be richer and better for it.

Any activity that helps me forget my own problems is welcome. Distractions from the constant pain of IBS, numerous ailments and family difficulties is an important part of my week. Channelling energy into constructive, unequivocal pursuits is really helping me deal with the negativity and thought-provoking moments that just tend to linger. These are such challenging times that I fear I will never overcome my current state of mind. I am thankful for the friends and family I have and hope that it won't be too long before I can finally be happy and content again. Persevering, learning to cope with adverse times and remaining grounded, assured, balanced and rational are the words and phrases I use, to remind myself that nothing lasts forever, especially not today!

I've certainly had a week of ups and downs; with face coverings now compulsory across the UK, Sunday has become my mask washing day. I actually have one for every day of the week now, understanding what most people don't, that masks should be washed or in the case of disposable ones, discarded after each use.

Like all of us, I am still trying to get used to the concept of wearing a piece of cloth in front of my face; it isn't the most comfortable of pastimes and is particularly irritating to say the least. Walking around the shop where I work, I also have to wear PPE, along with customers, which is only right. Nevertheless, there are those who refuse to conform to the 'new normal,' which can be pretty disheartening for people like me, who have to work every day. I fail to understand why people would ignore the new rules and regulations and like the vast majority of the public, I am happy to do what is right. In order to avoid a second wave, all of us have to change our lives. Putting on a face covering isn't the most difficult of tasks, when one considers those who have died during this pandemic!

On Monday it was another morning volunteering at Cancer Research, doing my best to sort out the electrical department. I haven't actually been feeling a hundred percent for the last seven days and when I woke up Monday morning I was in two minds, whether to even go in. I knew however, that just being at the shop would cheer me up and it wasn't too long before I started to feel a little better.

Having IBS can really get me down at times, and I knew on Monday that I was starting to get a flare up. Together with the hiatal hernia pain, I really wasn't feeling great at all. The worst part of a flare up is feeling that something more sinister is going on. I had also come to the end of a course antibiotics for another UTI; I guess the digestive issues I have been experiencing over the last few years have come to a head, making me feel down and depressed.

After speaking to a friend I decided to order a PSA test, to make sure my prostate was working properly. Rather than waiting for the NHS, especially during the middle of a pandemic, I obtained one privately and will take it later on today, once the antibiotics are finally out of my system.

Cancer Research is the one day of the week I can relax and unwind despite the way I feel. Today I am still feeling pretty unwell, but will force myself out of bed tomorrow and once again do the volunteering I enjoy, it's the only thing that takes my mind off my problems and being surrounded by like-minded individuals is the best tonic money can buy.

Our weekly family toast ended last Thursday, but Darrell and I are continuing to do our own toast to each other. Thursdays have brought both of us closer together, and we both feel it is important to keep that family tradition going. It does seem on the surface at least that this pandemic is winding down, but I have my doubts. The original reason for the family get together each week is still there and I have a feeling it won't be too long before we are toasting one another, in lockdown once again.

Darrell is coping remarkably well in Australia, even as the country enters winter. The infection rate, especially in the eastern states is rising dramatically, on a par with Britain, so it is a frightening time for him and his Mother, who is also doing OK under the circumstances. Thursday will always be a day for Darrell and I to get together and celebrate our years together.

Also, on Thursday My Aunt and I and the kids travelled to Hayling Island to attend a family lunch. Getting onto the Island was a bit of a nightmare as per usual, nevertheless we all had a great day spent with family, a rare thing these days. It's nice to be around lots of children, something I am not used to, but it has become a rather big part of my life. Family has become the backbone of my time back home in Portsmouth and during this devastating period, it has allowed me to form bonds I wouldn't otherwise have had the opportunity to do.

Darrell and I are looking to buy a holiday home on the island when everything returns to normal and have started looking at places near to the beach. Both of us have options open to us, whether here in the UK or abroad, but establishing a base is important as we grow older. In time, we both hope to finally settle somewhere, but I am certainly relishing my time at my Aunts and have no plans to move anywhere else quite yet. When you spend time with loved ones, you realise just who the important people are. Hopefully I will also be able to see my Father soon, when Government restrictions allow.

It has been a strange old week; more mask wearing, as we move into the next phase of the pandemic, rules and regulations to get used to and welcome contact with family adding an air of normality in this crazy World. Britain does feel a little more like it used to, but none of us can be sure what is round the corner, until then, we just carry on as normal....Have a great week y'all!