Socially the Coronavirus is having a big impact on the nation. Many countries stopped their citizens socially interacting weeks ago and much of their population are in lockdown at home. Socialising has become a dangerous pastime, one that could quite literally cost you your life. I have been inside for the last three days myself unwilling to go outside for any length of time, not wanting to be around large groups of people. I am following Government advice to the letter as I believe everyone should be. Already Coronavirus is a scourge on society, even though the streets are still full of people. Not socialising with others is going to be hard, but we really must start doing it!

Today I briefly popped into town to get a few provisions. Although many of the shelves were empty, it did feel like the panic had calmed down somewhat. There are social distancing measures in place, and I was able to keep away from people in the queue safely. This is important for all of us, as we try to avoid this deadly virus, especially now, when little is known about it. It does feel odd elbow bumping and foot tapping, rather than kissing on the cheek or shaking hands, but it is a sign of the times, part of the changing social sphere!

On the way home, I went into Cancer Research to say a fond farewell to Zerina and the team. Their network of shops is closing from today for the duration and it seems likely they won't be opening again for sometime. Naturally everyone is concerned about the lack of money for research, but it is the safest thing to do. I have always enjoyed my shifts at this little shop in the heart of Portsmouth and will be sorry to see it go, even for a short period of time. Cancer Research was my social outlet, and I was great friends with many who worked there. I will of course keep in contact through the wonders of social media and with a bit of luck, it won't be too long before we are open again.

Today I was due to go to Gloucester to see old friends Paul and Michelle. I met them whilst living in Spain, two people who did much to help me adjust to my new life in Spain and haven't seen them for quite a while. It is a great sadness to me, that I haven't been able to visit these two lovely people, I was looking forward to seeing them so much after so long. I have rearranged my train ticket for later on in the year and hope I will be able to go in the near future. However, with the situation in Britain the way it is, it is doubtful I will be able to go any time soon. This is yet another social distancing measure, which is changing the way all of us live in Britain and it will continue for a long time, possibly a year or more. I am still very much in shock at what is transpiring right across the World, none of us ever expected anything like this!

Like many people I have been doing my best to try to relax, taking my mind off this unfolding drama. Until recently I haven't watched much television, but today I find myself scrolling through Netflix looking for programmes to watch, which is a total departure from normal life for me at least. Despite my fears and anxieties at this time, I am trying to use my time productively and partaking in a little light entertainment when I can, as I'm sure most of you are. As the days turn to weeks and months, we will all rely more heavily to the internet and television, so it is comforting to know that we can at least continue to enjoy the benefits that connectivity brings; enjoy life even if it has changed out of all comprehension, we are indeed living through historic times!

As a child I was very much a loner, preferring my own company to that of others. I would spend hours in my room, writing, reading or watching television, consequently I had very few friends to speak of and spent the first decade and a half of my life without many people around me. That is what suited me at the time, I wasn't a people person and found others annoying and tiresome. I don't remember enjoying my teenage years at all, in fact it was an extremely gruelling and formidable time. Without friends my experiences were pretty nondescript and unmemorable; these were years I would rather forget and by and large have, only touching on their relevance  from time to time.

On Thursday evening I went out with friends from my voluntary job at Cancer Research, to a new restaurant here in Portsmouth. I thoroughly enjoyed being in their company and had a fantastic night, as I always do with this bunch. In 2020 my life is very different and I mix with many people. I suppose I actually like being centre of attention and the introverted child I was, is no longer a person I comprehend. When I left school, I evolved into someone very different, in many respects an individual I didn't recognise but someone I liked; I finally found out who I was and rather late, granted, became the personality I am today. Education kept me in a box away from the real World and never allowed me to be the unique, slightly eccentric guy I am. I did well at school, but I didn't excel, I didn't fulfil my dreams and become the person I craved. For the most part I didn't mix with others because I didn't enjoy their company, find them stimulating or even fit in with their agenda. The few friends I did have were like me and as I discovered later in life, went through the same traumas I did. Life was not easy as a kid, but it did teach me a lot about the World and how to stand on my own two feet without the help of others.

My journey from the age of sixteen was full of people, weird and wonderful characters who have remained a part of my life for many years. I was attracted to like-minded individuals, mainly from the gay community which I played an active role in and discovered there were other people like me. Looking back at my school days now, I am sure my homosexuality played a big part in my discontent and stopped me from following my dreams and aspirations. The awkwardness I felt for many years was really the product of my hidden sexuality and the times I grew up in.

After decades living on a gay scene, that could be destructive at times, inward looking and surrounded by more so-called friends than I could ever hope for, I have reached a cross road in my life, where I am now looking to achieve a balance between friends, family, work life and me time. Today I literally have too many people around me and making time for each one of them can be challenging. Of course, I no longer live on a large gay scene or have a large gay family to contend with on a daily basis, but I still have connections with others that I need and want to keep alive. Those closest are the ones that stood the test of time and have always been there on my journey. These are the ones who never judged me for my failings, accepted my sexuality and were there when others were not; these were the friends who made me who I am today.

I have lost many companions along the way, mainly through choice and realising they were not the people I thought they were. At 48 years old I am not afraid to tell someone where to go, especially if I believe they are making me feel like that depressed child I once was. I have a lifestyle that involves working three jobs, blogging, writing and socialising when I am able, if others can't make allowances for that, then they can not be a part of my life. I can't be that weekend party animal I used to be or spend two hundred pounds drinking on a Saturday night, while those financially better off than I can. The reality is, I am just an average, hard-working guy, I haven't had an amazing career, made oodles of money or boast about my achievements, but I am happy being me. Content with the friends I have, I  am no longer looking for the recognition and approval I used to crave. My life is difficult, challenging, content and eventful. My fate is mine to do with as I please and when I make a decision today it's about what is right for me, not anyone else, just me, my family and the path I have chosen to follow.

It was back to the Cancer Research fold today, after a few weeks break. Not only have I been busy, working everyday for over a fortnight, but I have had a few personal issues to sort out. It really felt good to be back with the gang, even though I did find it hard.

Let me explain...

...On Thursday I was put on beta blockers, a drug that slows your heart rate down. As a person, I have always suffered with anxiety, nothing major, but enough of an issue to see my Doctor about. On top of this, I have had some blood pressure and heart issues, culminating in a rather high heart rate of 198 beats per minute. After explaining my concerns to my GP, she suggested taking beta blockers, they not only slow your heart down but also help deal with the physical symptoms of anxiety. Well I duly followed her advice and started a course of Propranolol on Thursday; 40 mg up to three times a day, hoping to at least start dealing with the concerns I currently have.

I have been in a little bit of a daze since taking these pills and have found adjusting to them rather difficult, but understand it is important to carry on taking the medication. Today with my heart rate down to 55 beats a minute, I made my way to Cancer Research to begin a few hours work, hoping to overcome the side effects I am suffering. Being around Zerina and everyone who work there is always a tonic and I got through the day remarkably well, despite feeling lightheaded and rather unsteady at times. I have reduced the dose of Propranolol I am taking, from 40mg to 10mg, hoping to gradually increase the level administered over the next few weeks. I really am not enjoying the ghastly aftermath these tablets are causing, but am sure it will change in time.

Interestingly another volunteer was able to reassure me about beta blockers, explaining his difficulties using them himself, allowing me to breath a sigh of relief somewhat, understanding more about just how this medication works. For a time this morning I was concerned my heart was beating far too slowly, but believe this is all part of the initial stages of 'bedding in,' as my body gets used to its new regime. The advice I was given today has lifted my mood and allowed me to look forward positively, trying to focus on the bigger picture, rather than panicking about the side effects.

Being around the team at Cancer Research was a joy this Monday, lifting ones spirits at an onerous time; enjoying the company of friends, dressing up and in lighthearted mood, I was able to put my problems on the back burner. Laughter is the biggest medicine of all, better than all the beta blockers in the World, so it's the most important time of the week for me, a time that I will always cherish fondly, making money for good causes, memories for today and affording meaning where there was none; there's no better pay packet than that!

After a bout of depression yesterday and the realisation that not everyone in my life is great, today I had my faith restored in humanity. Monday is of course my day for volunteering at Cancer Research, a place I always love being. Surrounded by friends and colleagues. I once again had a busy morning restocking the electrical department, after a successful week of sales.

I also roped in a friend from The Newcome Public House where I also work, to do a spot of voluntary work, since he had a day off and between us, we got a lot done, more than usual it has to be said. There were numerous electrical items in the stock room to go through and Gary was able to help, making sure everything I was displaying was in working order. Big thanks to the big man for coming in at such short notice, disturbing his morning shop in ASDA. I even made him several cups of builders tea, something I never do...I ABSOLUTELY HATE MAKING THE STUFF!

It was also a big hello once again to Jules, a colleague I also work with at Tesco, on his return to the Monday fold. After a break of several months, he returned to his rightful place behind the till, flirting with  customers and being a welcoming beacon for the older ladies and probably men too, who come in the shop. As one customer said to me today, 'he looks just like George Clooney doesn't he?' Well, I may well beg to differ on that comment, but Jules is a wonderful bloke, who is a great addition to the Cancer Research family!

Happy Monday Y'all!

Yesterday everyone at Cancer Research said farewell to Deputy Manager Jo, who is moving on to her own shop in Gosport. Eleven of us went for dinner at Yan Woo Restaurant in North End, Portsmouth. This is a place that has been recommended to me before, so I was looking forward to trying the Chinese menu. The cost of an all you can eat meal, cooked to order, a bargain 17.95 pounds and it was worth every penny. The food was exceptional, piping hot and perfectly cooked. It normally takes a lot for me to be impressed with any dining experience, but the truth is, it was fantastic! With copious amounts of alcohol flowing and everyone in good spirits, the evening went off without a hitch!

Jo was a good Deputy Manager; her and I got on well, both of us having the same sense of humour, dressing up whenever we could, at every given opportunity and employing a lighthearted approach to our working day. Volunteering for a charity is different to the 'normal' working environment, it is a far happier atmosphere and everyone who volunteers wants to be there, enjoying making money for charity. Jo's friendly attitude and positive viewpoint was always a source of inspiration for me. Not only was she a boss and mentor, but she was also a friend and confidante. If ever I had a problem or issue, I always knew I could go straight to Jo for advice. She will be sadly missed by all of us who worked at Cancer Research in Portsmouth, the shop in Commercial Road will not be the same without her.

After a tiring weekend of work, today I was at Cancer Research, doing what I love best, raising money for good causes. The day started off well and I got on restocking the electrical department, something I do regularly on a Monday morning. As lunch time approached I popped out into the high street to buy a sandwich and carry out a few errands. Despite working hard all week, I find my time at Cancer Research relaxing and a bit of a stress reliever, but not today!

Whilst out for lunch, I popped into a high street shop to buy a book. As I browsed at the rear, I heard a commotion, shouting and screaming coming from the entrance, so I moved closer, trying to hear what was going on. I saw two young girls, no more that eighteen years old, cowering by the desk, as a man shouted abuse in their direction. He was yelling expletives, talking in a derogatory way, about the girls appearance, making it very clear what he wanted to do to them. Clearly the man was unhinged, on drugs or worse, so seeing how distressed the girls were, I walked over to try and get the man out of the shop.

By the time I got to them, one of the girls was in floods of tears, as the man smacked her hard on her back. Firmly I asked the guy to leave, at which point he turned his attention towards me, lashing out, swearing and calling me a number of different names; nothing I couldn't handle. Once again I asked him to leave and moved closer, trying to usher him out of the door. Eventually he was escorted out by staff as I stood between him and the girls and the Police were phoned.

I continued shopping and made my way back to Cancer Research, making sure the girls were OK before I went and told them to stay put until the Police arrived. In front of me I saw the man being questioned by security at the entrance to The Cascades Shopping Centre. He spotted me walking towards him and began yet another tirade of screeching. As I travelled past, he turned and spat square in my face. I asked the security guards to phone the Police and make sure they held him until they arrived. He seemed like a monster, full of hate and anger and a danger to the public.

A little later, I had a visit from an Officer at Cancer Research, who took a quick statement. He explained the man had mental health issues and should have been out in town with an escort, but managed to get away. His own Mother was also his designated carer and was also finding it difficult to keep him under control. At eighty years old she was no longer able to look after him. The Officer assured me he was going to try and get his Mum and him help, asking me whether I wanted to press charges. Well obviously he pulled at my heart strings and I said no, as long as he gets the help he needs and we left it there.

I have often seen situations where a person is being abused in public and have intervened on occasion, or found someone in authority to deal with the incident. I am amazed at how people can just walk away when someone is in trouble; as human beings we have a duty to look out for others and do what we can to help. There is so much violence on the streets today, it is up to the public to be vigilant. Police numbers are falling and the amount of money put into mental health care has been slashed, so there will inevitably be many more such occurrences in future. As an individual I have always helped others, whether through charity work, mentoring or just offering an open door, when someone is in need. I will always be there if I can, as all of us should be. If we do the right thing, the World will be a much better place!