Content With Who I Am!

It has been a difficult week, one that I would rather forget if I am honest, but like all setbacks in life I just have to pick up the pieces and move on. Work has been particularly busy over the last seven days and I have had very little time to myself, but that is my saving grace during times of stress. Sometimes I just want to throw my hands up in the air and tell people where to go. After a sixteen-hour day yesterday I am feeling tired and exhausted and just want to sleep and unwind. My IBS is so chronic right now, it is preventing me from doing things I want to do and this is the lowest I have felt in a long, long time. IBS, Diverticular Disease, Prostatitis and severe back pain, are taking their toll on my well-being and I just want the pain I am feeling on a daily basis to end.

I was recently referred to the Hospital for yet another sigmoidoscopy and endoscopy so my Doctor could try and discover what is going on with me, but with this pandemic still raging, it isn't to be. The endoscopy has been cancelled due to COVID, probably because of the backlog of patients needing similar procedures and the sigmoidoscopy would require a total of four weeks self-isolation, which isn't possible. Like most people I have to work and can not afford to take that amount of time off. On a positive note, I have been referred for an ultrasound, after months of wrangling with my local GP practice. If you need something bad enough, especially medically, you really do have to fight for it in this country, but at least my efforts have finally paid off. I really just want to feel normal again.

Emotionally I am feeling drained and depressed; I haven’t felt this melancholy in a long time and it has of course impacted on my physical health, with my IBS reaching chronic levels. No amount of medication is helping, and I am going through each day feeling sicker and sicker. My emotional state of mind has taken a knock this week as well, after a particular stressful and upsetting conversation, centred around my choices in life, which haven’t always been the best. However, they were my preferences to make and not up for negotiation with anyone else.

In 2015 Darrell and I moved to Spain to start a fresh after one of the most traumatic periods in our life. A prolonged period of bullying, intimidation and abuse from our previous employer and the resulting isolation and depression had made us think the unthinkable and start again, away from the memories that had so damaged us. Darrell and I were very much alone at the time and after being rejected by those closest, we decided it was time to go and get on with the rest of our life together. Despite Darrell's Mother’s cancer diagnosis, shortly after our arrival in Spain, throwing our plans into chaos, I still regard this period as one of the happiest we have ever had as a couple.

Both Darrell and I felt at home in Gran Alacant, safe away from the pressures of life we had left behind and content with our more simple, frugal lifestyle. Spain was good for us both on so many levels and great for the soul. We met many wonderful characters, many of whom remain friends today and unlike the UK, we felt a part of a community, who in the main looked out for one another, especially when the chips were down. Everyone who lived there from the Expat community had a story to tell, many tales not dissimilar to our own and it was comforting to be around people who understood the difficulties we faced, able to offer advice and support in equal measure.

Of course like the story of our life, nothing is forever and both of us have had to go our separate ways for a while, while Coronavirus takes centre stage. With Darrell safely at home in Australia with Mum, and me lucky to be living with my Aunt and Cousins in Portsmouth, life remains copacetic right now. Our situation, although not ideal, works out well for all of us and has given me the opportunity to finally get to know a side of my family I have always been closer to. My Aunt and I have much in common and as my Cousin Rachel puts it, we are rather like an 'old married couple' at times, making this a very special chapter in my life, even though Darrell isn’t here to enjoy it with me.

The background to my current circumstances is clear and not something that is going to change anytime soon, but I have worked extremely hard, during the most difficult of junctures to try and overcome obstacles, that just seem to be getting worse. I have always felt like a second class citizen due to my sexuality, state of mind and unequal treatment and these feelings arose once again this week as I had my aberrations highlighted and used to justify actions that I do not understand.

I have fought all my life for equal rights and understanding of others, preferring not to pass judgement, instead concentrating on the here and now and the person stood before me, without their baggage in tow. Personally I have had to prove myself continually to others, when they have no concept of what I went through in life. Why I have to constantly apologise for who I am I just don’t know? The efforts I have made, especially over the last couple of years have really meant nothing to some and I find that hard to stomach. Both Darrell and I have had to put our lives on hold for our families, and we have been given little or no support in return.

The only reason I have a roof over my head today, is because of an Aunt who accepts me for who I am unconditionally; I feel so sorry for those who can’t see past their own prejudices, to make me feel welcome into a family fold that has always been notoriously difficult to be a part of. The inequality I have felt all of my life is still alive a kicking today; I am still a second class citizen, without the understanding and empathy we all need to flourish and grow. Too many knock backs have kept me distant and aloof from family and friends and that it seems will never change. All I can do now, is look forward to a time when Darrell and I, can be reunited and forge another new life together, away from yet more tension, trauma and unhappiness.

Neither of us want anything from anyone, have never asked for assistance, even under the most disconcerting of circumstances, like today and will undoubtedly continue to struggle and fight our way through life. I am proud of what we have achieved together as a couple; we have had no lift up or kick start to help us along this rocky road called life, we have been left to ride this roller-coaster alone, which has come off the rails many times, leaving us battling to survive, while others have been handed everything on a plate. I don’t care if I am unliked, attacked, sworn at, abused or bullied any more, because I am content with the person I am, not the person I was expected to be!

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