Lockdown Life - Thoughts, Feelings and Emotions!

Some more photographs from in and around Portsmouth, whilst out walking during this lockdown period. To be honest I have been feeling a little down recently and walking is the only thing that takes my mind off my troubles. I am finding life pretty difficult at the moment, probably like all of us. Without the support of my partner and a constant feeling of isolation, I am starting to wonder why I am still in Britain.

Having two weeks holiday and doing absolutely nothing, spending every day on my own predominantly has brought out the worst in me, as I try to work my way through the loneliness. The stress and anxiety that plays such a large role in my life has now become the focus of my thoughts, every day. When I wake up in the morning, I am constantly reminded of the things I hate about myself the most - my consternation, uneasiness, worries, apprehension and ailments; the niggling pains that give me even more reason to dwell on the negative aspects of life and the dreams I have failed to fulfil in life.

The last few months have been difficult because I have had more time than I can cope with. This week I should have been in Japan, visiting Osaka and Mount Fuji, instead I have been at home, alone with my thoughts and memories of better times. I am well aware, that over thinking is a fault of mine and I remain empty and wanting at the end of it. I am always left with more questions than answers, and I am often filled with regrets, 'what ifs' and frustrations that I just can't shake.

Usually I am in a much better  frame of mind than I am today, but I am not in the habit of lying about how I feel, so this blog is the perfect forum for telling the truth. I have always tried to be as honest as I can, when I talk about myself, it is the best way to offload any pressing worries. The anxieties I suffer today are a direct result of the circumstances I find myself in. The only time I am truly happy, is when I am with my husband; when you spend twenty-five years with someone, it makes it hard when you have to live apart. There are people far worse off than I, especially during this pandemic, but I do wish I could travel back a few years, when we lived in Spain together, finally living the life we both had dreamed of for so long.

If I had the choice, I would leave on a plane tomorrow to be with Darrell, not because I don't want to be here with family, far from it, this has been my saving grace. I love being with my Aunt and Cousins, but because I need to be with the person I love and without him, life has become meaningless, without purpose.

Reassessing one's life and making plans for the future, whilst walking around this great city, has become as much a part of life as going to work has and whether I like it or not, it is the foundation of my time now in Portsmouth. As the months roll on and both of us spend more and more time apart, I fear the negativity will continue to resurface from time to time. I do not thrive in such situations and try to wrestle with my own demons in order to move forwards with hope and a determination to do what is right. If I had to leave tomorrow, I would; I do whatever I can to remain sanguine during tempestuous times!

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