Turning A Corner

You know what, this is the first day I finally feel different.  I have never been truly able to describe how medication works.  It either does or it doesn't. Something just clicks into place. This could be the turning point for me. Positivity has returned, after a long break away, trapped in this relapse and the confused thoughts of a complicated mind!

The 26 April 2015 is a great day, hopefully the end of a dreadful cycle of self-destruction and the start of a new cycle of strength and positivity, for however long that lasts.  I have to say I was really worried for a while.  I just didn't think these bloody pills would work.  They have taken a long time to bed in. The longest ever. I am awake far more hours than not now and starting to get up at reasonable hours of the day.  It is the beginning, but I have a feeling, things can only get better.

Medication is not the only thing that brings positivity.  The only people, friends and family left in my life now are my saving grace.  This has been the longest period of drama free confidence I have had for probably two years.  Positive people breed happiness!

I am not used to being cared for.  I knew this would be something I'd have to accept for my own safety and future.  Darrell could not have done more for me.  When I really needed him most he was there, battling for me, us and our future.  He has rationed and administered my meds perfectly.  I should have no part to play in that process, he knew that.  A Caring Assessment will also insure he is looked after too. Darrell suffered as much as me, and more.

Darrell you have shown, beyond a doubt just how much you love me.  You have been there all through this.  Battling just makes us stronger and closer;  I am really proud of you and will be even prouder when we are married,  The impending Marriage has also helped me focus on the next 20 years.  So many people are doing so much to insure this wedding will be unique and personal to us.  Marc Archer and Keith Francis, reuniting your drag act for us has really meant the world. After initial doubts, I am glad Loretta Lebonk and Natalee Michelle are going to put on a Comedy Burlesque act we can always remember.  You are giving up your time for us, that is special.  Very special!

Dale Douglas, one of my oldest friends.  You will forever remain a great source of strength, when I needed it most, once again I will never forget that.   The Bunday Brothers - Chris you got me through that crucial first week and Kiefer you have written words that I never expected.  You are fantastic lads with hearts of gold! Jay Greaves you have proven yourself to be a real battler.  Your success and kind words have given me a boost at a difficult time for many of us!  To have faith in someone is important. Never be afraid to say you care.....I always will!

Thank you, Sara Bowgen for contacting Doctors for me and going that extra mile.  You are kind of like that authority figure, who always says the right things at the right time. Jamie Hough and Kirsty Hooper.  Your laughter to the point of elation has lifted me above the line of depression at the worst of times!  Always smiling, despite all you have been through was a real push towards recovery for me.

Natalee Michelle, there from day one of that relapse and still here now, without condition.  Says it how it is, has never left my side, feisty and loyal, cook, cleaner and conversationalist, at a time when you are just about to complete University, shows how strong, caring and bloody minded you can be.  Forever grateful and in your debt!

Darrell Martin - What a ghastly thing, to watch your partner go through.  My loss of dignity and your prompt action, to have me arrested, probably saved my life.  Never forget that.  That was an awful evening, but showed just how ill I was. It needed to happen.  A partner becoming your carer is hard to accept, but without that help, I would be in an even worse place.  Watching me take medication again and drifting into sedation for my own good, with tears in your eyes was my biggest failure.  I have to accept I have a chronic illness and will always be on medication, as we both will accept eventually.  I lost much by taking that pill again, my emotions, reality and feelings of freedom, but you have accepted that we have no other option.  At least during those eight months off medication, we have those precious memories. That is worth all the pain and anguish!

Thank you to Oxfam for all your support. From my Assistant Manager, my staff and my Manager Veronica, who cried with me and to Human Resources and my Union, I am truly thankful for all your concern and complete dedication, to get me back to where I was.  When you work for good people it is a godsend at times like this.  It allows me to be sure of complete recovery, without financial and emotional worries!

To everyone else thanks for all your support.  It is hard watching someone with Bipolar, especially after a complete relapse, but words of encouragement from people like Melissa King and old schoolmate Rachel Wyatt have meant all the difference,  You stuck with me and that is more than I can say for members of my own family,  Blood is never thicker than water!

Most importantly thank you also to my Cousin Joe Uttley, who I care for deeply.  To say how you wished I was your Brother really made me cry.  Whatever happens, you are my true brother, I will always try to look out for you.  I couldn't give a f*ck what you do. You are my real family and yes  Joe, I will always keep it real,  You know that!

Writing this blog has also been a healing experience.  Words are good for the soul and a great way of offloading stress,  I have had so much encouragement and kind words from all sorts of people, it has been a great source of hope. No nasty comments or drama fuelled words.  How unusual but very welcome.  I will never go back to a time that will forever remain a stain on my life and a living reminder to do better in future!

Finally feeling the love.  Thanks to everyone!

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