From there to here!

Photograph taken in April 2015

Today I wanted to talk about the very first blog entry I wrote in April of 2015. My first blog Bipolarcoaster documents a very different time in my life. It has been difficult for me to read this entry today, going back over old ground, seeing just how ill I was at the time; I haven't reread any of my blogs, this is the first. Much has changed since these words were written, least of all me; the beginning is always a good place to start; this is where it all began. The entry is entitled Recovery and can be read below!

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​Recovery

8/4/2015
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Today, I am recovering from a serious Bipolar Relapse.  After giving up medication 8 months ago, and another attempt at suicide, I thought it was the only option I had available to me. I wrote on facebook six months ago:

Happiness

Not had a lot of the Happy, nice and uplifting stuff recently. Not gonna go over the reasons why, since I've written about sh*t times enough in my life and most of you know the reasons why.  A streamlined facebook, that's the biggest clue!

I've had a lot of bipolar highs.  Was that true happiness? NO, not really.  Just compensation for the lack of true feelings of joy.  This is different! Bipolar makes it difficult to control emotions, so for many we stay emotionless. It's easier that way.  No body wants to express the wrong emotion at the wrong time.  I don't really want abuse or a punch.  Well this old mental Queen is now dealing with real feelings, something I could have never done on medication. Apart from self monitoring my condition, there really isn't anything else I need to do.

Giving up meds six months ago was the first step. I could see, hear and smell things, I had long forgotten.  The dreadful withdrawal symptoms were worth it, all of it.  My relationship was rocky and volatile for a long time.  Self medication, bad choices and rotten people, just some of the reasons why.  I truly believed shed loads of pills were helping, like f*ck were they.  They made everything worse.  They masked reality and yes they made me vulnerable.  Darrell left me on numerous occasions and for the first time my relationship became violent.

I changed the way I lived life and dealt with issues.  I listened to the professionals and did not react as I had done, so many times before.  It wasn't until Christmas, that I finally realised, I had changed.  I was no longer the person I was.  I felt strong.  Strong enough to remove destructive influences and just think about myself and Darrell, who I have loved and continue to love after 20 years.

Positivity.  That's always been a hard thing for me, but I am finding true optimism returning, more and more.  Of course, I am not solely responsible for that.  Having people around one, who care and truly, genuinely, without reservation help and encourage myself and Darrell has been the biggest factor in attaining a sense of self worth and belonging. These people were always the ones who were  good for me, It's just now, I can actually see it and cherish their friendships, without pushing them away or demanding more and more, like a petulant child! Making the correct choices and believing in them, is the biggest motivation for my current state of mind.  Seeing what people were becoming and the consequences to come, scared  me so much that it gave me the strength to remove, what I thought were real friendships.  I had to!  I've
never done something because I had to.  I was always reckless and only thought about myself.  Bugger what may happen.  I was going to do what I want, even if it meant loosing my partner and at its worse, my life.  Not any more, not on your life, not ever, f*cking, ever again.  The important things, people, aspirations and a future were back, and I am not letting them go again!

Marriage!  Something I never thought I would be able to do in my life time.  I am from the last generation, who truly felt the issues around discrimination and now, the world changed, while I was  getting off it or high on such a huge dose of medication to mask the true meaning of my life.  Someone started a revolution and I can finally feel free.  Free to be gay, free to fall in love, free to get married. This is the most import thing in my life now.  I am sure Darrell agrees.  We can now be legal and the people we were born to be.  To be able to express ones love for one another, in front of people we adore and respect, for many different reasons, really makes one feel emotional.  It's kinda, like the end of a really rocky road.  Well, not really the end, the new positive me would say the beginning of the rest of our lives together.  I am truly happy many of you will be with us on 22 September, 20 years to the day our unconventional relationship began.

It's good to know, that those who will share our day, will be there because friendship overcame my fears, illogical thinking, easily lead mind and abnormal behaviour. I am still building bridges.  Sound foundations and past history are allowing me to
embrace, what I once lost.  I am not, nor ever will be perfect, but with all your support, I know Darrell and I will make it and this emotionless bitch would have finally found a heart and the courage to say I'm sorry.

This was two months ago.  I was full of optimism for the future and happy with those around me.  What a difference a few months made.

I should have never come off medication.  Yes it felt good at the time, but in reality it masked the truth.  My Bipolar has to be medicated, for my entire life.  I should have relapsed within 3 months, I didn't, well maybe I did and I didn't know it.  I have endured a campaign of harassment and bullying, from someone who I regarded as a friend, almost family.  I was given more and more responsibility at work and I was coping with too much.  The final nail came as I spoke up for myself, in front of someone who was victimising me, for daring to speak the truth.  Sadly, it was one step too far.

I collapsed, physically and mentally.  I knew the good times were finally up.  My Bipolar reached Manic levels and with the threat of suicide again, my partner phoned the Police.  I was put in a Police cell and had reached the bottom of a great 8 months.  

Finally I was told the facts.  Currently I am sedated for most of the day and await a final, new diagnosis, including possible ADHD, unheard of in my day, running along side Bipolar and whatever other Mental disabilities I may have.  They are vast and many I'm sure.  Today I hope to return to work and am positive about the future. Tonight my sedatives have been doubled and I have no idea how I will feel in the morning.  I still have hope, there will be a few good friends left and the unconditional love of my long suffering partner, who I adore as much today, as I ever have done!

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The reasoning behind, why I was suffering, back in April of 2015 was deeply flawed. I was of course looking for answers, as to why I was so ill; the reality of my situation unknown to me at that time. I was grasping at straws, using a medical diagnosis as the answer, as to why things were bad. Bipolar played no part in my state of mind really, it was merely a catalyst for some rather dubious characters to take advantage of me and my situation. Of course the pain I was going through was very real, but as I know now, that discomfort was brought about by the very people who should have been there for me; work, my manager, Veronica Raymond and other colleagues, who were just pawns in a very dangerous game.

This first entry shows just what happens when  you are bullied and don't know it. The stark truth is, I never  understood what was going on at work, during the last few years working for Oxfam. They were covering up so much corruption within their ranks, including protecting those responsible for systematic abuse, that I was unable to see clearly through their deception. What happened to me in Easter 2015 was akin to ABH and worse; my life was being taken away from me, by a small core group of people, working for the Worlds biggest charity. My only saving grace was the friends I had around, who were doing their best to help me through this darkest period in my life.

Many of those who were there for me then are not now. Moving to Spain has caused a physical barrier between friendships, but more than that, I made a conscious decision to block people out of my life, for reasons of shame and mistrust. Those closest, saw me in some dreadful states; I am ashamed to admit, I fell as low as I did. All this Oxfam were responsible for; they inflicted a rabble of bullies on me and I suffered terrible consequences. Often those most vulnerable, as I was at the time, endure the most torment, while their perpetrators get away with their crimes. Oxfam have thus far gone unpunished, but nothing is forever!

Today I am living in Spain, having moved here to try and get away from a past so soiled by Oxfam. I truly believed Bipolar was responsible for my wellbeing; I  was mistaken. In this entry I spoke about how wrong I was to stop taking my medication and how I should have been medicated forever, once again this was incorrect. Bipolar was the catalyst for others to take advantage of a vulnerable persons condition; namely me as I was at the time, but the suffering and agony I experienced, was not because of bipolar, it was because of intense bullying and mistreatment.

This entry from 8 April 2015 documents an horrific time in my life. After a breakdown I was sedated because of what I could have done to myself. I don't remember much about this period and it is only today, nearly three years later, that I am able to read this and other entries. The worst thing for me to come to terms with, as I reads this, is that I was unaware Oxfam were responsible for my then condition. I believed for many months afterwards that Oxfam were helping and supporting me, when all the time, they were making me worse. In time I would find out the truth and my situation would explode, beyond all comprehension, but that's for another day. At this point,  I would like to thank all those who helped me through this difficult period in 2015, especially Jay Greaves and Natalee Michelle, two people I couldn't have survived without. I am lucky enough to have Natalee with me in Spain, which is a comfort. Sadly I don't speak to Jay anymore, but would hope to do so one day. He was a true pillar of support and a special part of my life.

Spain has given me a new lease of life and sense of purpose, as I navigate my way around a new country, career and opportunities. It has been bloody difficult at times, but today I am in a fantastic place, enjoying life, writing for a magazine, blogging everyday, running a bar in Gran Alacant and still helping others who have suffered at the hands of sociopaths, who could ask for more. The best way to recover from bullying, an attack by a sociopath and real trauma is to change your life for good, get out of the situation you find yourself in, don't look back and move as far away as possible, exactly what my partner and I have done.  This blog entry serves as a reminder, to do better next time, choose friends wisely, recognise the signs of bullying and don't invite anyone into your life, without first doing your homework! Remembering is the first sign of recovery, forgetting is the last!

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