Email - Forever Enduring Cycles Rehash!

Yesterday, I received my first email in connection with my 'Forever Enduring Cycles' rehash. I am gradually transferring each entry from my second blog onto 'Spanish Views.' It has been two years since I wrote this blog; the first time, I have been able to sit back and read each entry, assess their meaning at the time and decipher just what was going on in my life. 'Forever Enduring Cycles,' like 'Bipolarcoaster,' was about raw writing, quickly getting thoughts down on paper, without any planning; writing exactly the same way, as I was thinking. I never edited the material or reread a single sentence, for a reason! Sometimes writing should reflect the feelings and emotions at a particular crossroads in your life; to change a single word would have been wrong and not allowed me to learn, grow and change. 

I always enjoy receiving you emails, it means I am doing something right; the biggest satisfaction for me is getting a positive reaction from those who follow this blog, like Helen. I have no idea who Helen is, I have never received an email from her before, but like a lot of people who connect with 'Spanish Views' and any of my other blogs, anonymity is important. I don't wish to label anyone, but I have heard from those who suffer bullying everyday; when the time is right for them, they will come forward with their story; the more people that do, the easier it will be to catch those who cause harm to others. In no way, am I suggesting Helen is a victim, just an interested participant wanting to know more about my life and the issues I live with everyday. Let me try and answer your concerns Helen and firstly thank you for taking the trouble to write to me!

You asked if I would have done anything differently during the period I wrote 'Forever Enduring Cycles;' Thinking about it now, I would say not; I wrote what I had to express at the time, in order to get through each day, the writing was a channel for frustration. The grammar and choice of words used, wasn't always perfect, but that was my mind, away on a tangent. Aside from the blog, there is much I would do differently. I will never again trust anyone, without first doing my homework. I can no longer walk up to someone, shake their hand and take them at face value; for me that is how it should be. I will never again be a victim and will always reject friendships , until I am satisfied they are genuine. Remember this, I have done a lot of soul searching since 2015, learned much about people, even here in Spain and am fully aware of who and what they are and their motives. When 'Forever Enduring Cycles' was written, I was naive, backed into a corner and a victim of abuse, today, I am very different. I suppose the one thing I would have changed, is the choice of who I had in my life. I had many great friends  and a supportive network should I need it, but there were those, who still had a destructive influence. Even after what I went through, recovering as I was, I was still unable to distinguish the bad from the good; only while living in Spain, have I been able to do that!

Spain has given me a lot of time to think and reflect on my past actions. The life I have now, is the life I have always wanted, away from the urban sprawl, stress, commuting and bad influences that surrounded me. The actions I took  then, to re-evaluate my life, friendships and direction were the right things to do. Spain has allowed me to see past the muddle and confusion of the time and embrace new experiences and cultures. It has of course made me think about and recall my actions, but I would never change the way I dealt with my situation. Spain has shown me a different, better road and although I will always write about my past experiences, learning everyday, ultimately those dark times are over, never to return again.

Spain has made me rethink much about what happened in 2015. I will of course mull over situations in my head, trying to work out if what I saw and interpreted was true, factual or clouded in a sea of anguish; after all these were volatile times, confusing; even more so because of a lack of support from work and those who could have really helped, creating even more anxiety and torment. Was I really so blind, I couldn't understand the reality of my situation and only saw what I wanted to see? I have thought long and hard about this and many other unanswered questions and always come to the same conclusion. 

I have assessed all the information at my disposal, almost daily; emails, text messages, phone calls and conversations. I have compared their like, importance and relevance with circumstances others have also suffered, documented, for people like me to read and understand. I have also spoken to ex work colleagues, anonymous employees from head office at Oxfam House, as well as those who used to work in Human Resources, during the very same period, I was liaising with their department, almost on a daily basis. I have told my story a million times to a million different people, many of whom, not only understood my pain but also some who had been through the same ordeal. Everyone, without exception understood exactly what was happening; the bullying, lies, cover ups and collusion with friends; all pointing towards a situation so heinous, it could only highlight sociopathy, manipulation and a danger to mine and others well being. I knew what was happening then, I am even more resolute in my determined views today.

I did misjudge situations and people, but only because I gave individuals who were complicit a second chance, an opportunity to make a mends even at the worst of times. I still had faith that others with a conscience would come forward, support my actions to expose the bullies at Oxfam and allow all the victims to lay this dreadful period to rest. That of course didn't happen entirely, a few good colleagues stood up and spoke against what was unraveling, but in the main people were not forthcoming, honest or supportive and I finally resigned my position, moving to Spain to start a new life. The hardest aspect of all this, is accepting that those you once trusted were nothing more than oppressors, who need to answer for their actions.

Helen, you email is about reflecting. I have had nearly two years to analyse my life in 2015 and continually dip in and out of that period, just to see if there is anything I missed. Did I misjudge everything that happened? As I have said, the answer is a resounding no, which is why I will continue to write against bullying in all its forms  and try and help those who have also been through that trauma. In the end, all I want is closure  and an ability to move on. I have a feeling, that will not happen until Oxfam finally stand tall and admit the sociopaths in their midst; I await with anticipation!

​Thanks for writing Helen, it's always a pleasure to hear from people like yourself. If any of you wish to contact me, please use the form below or any of the others avenues highlighted, in the 'Contact' section of this blog!

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