Dealing With The After Effects Of Bullying!

I had a message this morning, from the parent of a young lady, now in her twenties, wanting to understand how to help her deal with, the after effects of bullying. A young lady who suffered the trauma of abuse at school, now trying to find her own way in life; all the time conscious of what happened. As a young twenty year old, I tended to deal with my feelings in a negative way. The pain caused by such acts of abuse, especially when you are young and impressionable is profound, intense and often overwhelming. My biggest problem was anxiety; walking into a room full of people, not knowing any of them; having to communicate or interact was often a terrible experience. All the time, in the back of my head, I was recalling my worst fears. The whole room was full of bullies and I was going to become another victim.

I suppose initially I learnt to deal with each problem as it arose, breathing exercises to get me through a difficult presentation at University, focusing on a single individual when one had to publicly speak, which was easier than encompassing a whole lecture hall of ‘bullies’ waiting to watch me crumble or just staying away from situations I couldn’t handle, not even attempting them in the first place. Leaving school was a big relief for me, but the issues I experienced then were always going to be there, sometimes surfacing at the most inconvenient moments, I just had to learn to deal with them.

Some victims of bullying will turn to drink and drugs to dull the pain. That may or may not have happened to me, but these are short term ‘helpers,’ designed to get you through the day or the difficulty you are currently confronting. Drinking and taking drugs just increases the feelings of anxiety and stress, adding to the burden you are already carrying around with you. For me cigarettes helped; I know that is a non PC answer, but they did. I started smoking at a very early age and have been smoking for about thirty three years now; one of the only things I stuck at long enough, as someone so kindly reminded me the other day. If I had followed a career in much the same vein, I could be at the top of my tree now. Although I smoke far less than I used to, it still offers me an opportunity to relax in stressful situations. I am certainly not advocating someone take it up though, please don’t misunderstand what I am saying; there are other diversions to relieve stress!

Bullying is a long term issue; I was bullied at school, but I was also a victim for most of my life, in one form or another; you see once you have been abused, it is easier for others to do the same. A bully or a sociopath, will find a victim easily, there seems to be a mutual attraction; that doesn’t go away. Until recently, I was still suffering; leaving the UK in January 2016 to try and finally start a new life, away from the bullying of the past. The story of what happened to Darrell and me is commonly known, both of us victims of a work place sociopath, which nearly cost me my life. I sometimes think I had victim written all over my face; homosexual, bipolar, overweight and shy; I had no bloody chance in the first place. My boss at the time tried to destroy me because of issues that she felt she had control over.

The history of what happened is all over this blog, so I will not go into great detail. It was difficult discovering that my boss was probably controlling every aspect of my life and well being, through bullying; not blatant playground attacks, but subtle, at times barely noticeable acts, that were difficult to see and unravel. After a long period of illness and bipolar relapse, I eventually asked for help, through an organisation called ‘Solent Mind,’ a charity who were instrumental in helping me discover the truth of what was going on. The realisation that I had once again become a victim was traumatic, further relapse, post traumatic stress and deep, deep depression followed. On top of this, my partner Darrell was also agonising; employed by the same organisation, he too was a victim, as were a number of other employees. Once again my life was a mess because of torment and intimidation.

In my case, after a lifetime of abuse, I thought moving away was the answer and to some extent it was. A new start, with a fresh outlook was just what I needed to move on. If I had dealt with my anguish differently in my twenties, I would however not be here today. The best way to deal with bullies, is to move on and not look back. Remove their influence from your life completely, without a second thought. Detaching oneself from those who associated with the abusers was also necessary. In my early twenties, I still believed these dubious characters were my friends, they were nothing but. I was more afraid of being alone than doing the right thing.

Before I left for Spain, I was on a huge cocktail of medication, in order to help ease the difficulties surrounding bipolar, today I take none, throwing every pill I had in the bin. Medication kept me locked into a bubble of trepidation; it was comfy in there, but it just masked what was truly going on. After a life of apprehension and anxiety, I really had to deal with what happened to me. Finally in Spain, I began to change my way of dealing with the bullies. Today I write about my experiences, which is the biggest therapy of all. I am able to express how I feel, without sugar coating a single aspect of what happened. Like today, the words don’t always make sense; I write them down as they pop into my head, but it is comforting to see sentences on paper, being able to look back at some truly horrendous situations, confronting them in script.

If you are suffering now or have in the past, you need to find an outlet for your encounters; writing is perfect for me, for others it may be painting, standing on a stage or going for long country walks; the list is endless. Anything that releases positive energy, allowing self expression is a good and valuable tool; necessary In rebuilding lives. I have had much feedback from victims of bullying, asking for help; my words are actually doing something positive. In order to understand what occurred, I had to document details of some deeply disturbing events; this is what I had to do, to move forwards. For others, this may not be the answer, dealing with the after effects of bullying is a deeply personal journey.

If I had to give one single piece of advice to those who have suffered, I would say this: Take back control of your life. A bullies only advantage over you, is the art of control. You can walk away, you don’t have to retaliate; above all you can live your life well. The control I now have, allows be to express my emotions in the way I want. By leaving the UK, I could finally manage my own destiny; if it fails, so be it, at least I tried. Even before I left Britain, I worked with abused and bullied children as a mentor and advocate; this allowed me to give something back to help kids who need that boost of confidence. Apart from anything else, it also helped me deal with my own issues. Use your experiences to help victims; don’t shut the pain away, allow it to surface, cry, shout and scream; do whatever you have to, to finally come to terms with the past!

Finally, as parents of children who are victims of abuse, you need to take a supportive role. It goes without saying, that schools rarely deal with bullying in a satisfactory way. Often the anguish comes out later in life, this is where parents need to be there for their child. Encourage them to speak about their ordeal; it really does help to talk. As a victim myself, I will however only communicate when I want to; I never force the issue. Lead a normal family life, offer that security of a loving home and allow your child to grow and evolve in the way they want, not the way you expect; everyone is different.

There is no easy answer to the after effects of bullying. The only real conclusion I can come to myself, is deal with the consequences as soon as they become apparent. Look for changes in a child at school, be there always, believe what they are telling you and approach the subject with the school as soon as you are aware of it. If the school will not listen or believe you, take your child away from the situation. The solutions remain the same later in life. I tried counselling, medication and revenge; none of these things worked; the only answer is to finally take back what was lost and build a better life!

---

---

---