What Matters Most!

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Start living again!

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What does really matter? On the grand scale of things, as we stumble through life, there are many issues we regard as important; in fact, if I look back over the last twenty years, as I sit here, writing today in Spain, I can safely say, that what I used to regard as a priority, no longer features on my list.  life is about experience; through these experiences, we grow as people; the way we think and our psyche, in determining priorities, constantly shift and change, as we ourselves, adapt, amend and evolve.  Of course priorities alter.  In today's post, I want to talk about what used to matter to me, as a person and the conclusions I have come to, with regards to 'What Matters Most!'

During my youth, in my teens, my priorities in life, had much to do with the career path I wanted to follow, or so I thought. It was always important for me to succeed; I wanted to prove to myself and others, that I could achieve all I desired. I opted to attend college and then University.  I never studied what I wanted to do, rather, I did what was expected of me, at the time; at college at least, studying business; a course I didn't enjoy.  At University, things were very different.  I did enjoy the course I studied and if my personal circumstances had not changed, it would have been an important turning point in my life. As it happens this period was significant, but not for reasons of educational achievement.  This was also the time, I came out as gay; suddenly, education, using my qualifications to attain employment and a suitable career path, didn't seem so important anymore.  Everything up to this point in my life, was irrelevant now.  My preoccupation had become my sexuality, celebrating who I was and finally being  the person I wanted to be!

When one is young, identity is very important, far more of an issue than I ever imagined.  I had spent the whole of my youth, having to conform to what others wanted me to be and do.  I didn't have a voice in the same way, I did, when I finally admitted to myself and others who I was, born to be.  Freedom from pressure and secrets, was a game changer; my sexuality mattered!

When I met my current partner, my sexuality became somewhat of a side issue.  I suppose in a way, my partnership happened as a result of my sexuality, so they really became linked, one in the same thing.  As I fought to stay in my Country with my same sex partner from another country, I also fought against discrimination and homophobia. It should not matter whether my partner is the opposite or the same sex. Love between two people, is the only important issue at steak,  My relationship mattered, like never before, because I finally knew who I was and what I wanted out of life.

I spent much of my time fighting to remain with Darrell, suddenly a career felt distant, no longer the priority it once was. Ever since that time, the only thing that mattered to me, was my relationship.  As the years have gone by, that hasn't changed, it is still  of overwhelming importance, but everything that has happened around us as a couple has changed dramatically. Up until we left for Spain, during the last few years, It was a prerogative of mine at least, to follow a sort of convention; I wanted to become part of a 'normal' family, for want of a better world, 'normalise' my life, for want of a better phrase, settle down, after years of fighting to stay together with my partner and finally follow a career; an unassuming life and blend back into society, achieving, all the things I had dreamed of doing whilst at University; yes it was a long time coming! What mattered, was success and achievement, whist all the time concentrating on my relationship, which meant more to me than ever!

​Of course, as is the story of my life, circumstances changed dramatically,  When faced with revelations, that would alter my direction, like never before. Faced with a sociopathic boss, it was up to me to choose whether or not, to stay working for an organisation that had allowed myself and others to suffer at the hands of a dreadful personality or to leave.  I really had to decide, what mattered, more than ever.  In one of the last phone calls with my Head of HR, she approached the subject of my resignation. 
''You really wont work with this woman again, will you?' she inquired.
I had to think for a short while, but in reality, I knew I could not work with such a heinous individual. You see, as I later discovered, the only people able to have a business relationship with such a person, are those who are their equal; another dishonest sociopath, if you will.  I was not and could not have any form of contact with such a character, and resigned.  Once again, what mattered was not what I had expected.

​So what matters most today? Well after leaving for Spain, we both had the same goal in mind; just to be happy, that's it.  The only thing that matters to us is contentment, after what I can only describe as 'the worst time of our life!' It's quite strange really, when I look at facebook as an example and the updates people write about their lives; the food they eat, the colour that had their nails painted or the pressure of finding the right paint to decorate their lounge with; I am struck by the banality of their lives, just as mine was a while ago.  I look at these people's profiles and wonder if they have ever fought for anything in their lives; that is a sad indictment on them; all that matters are shallow, meaningless and irrelevant issues.  Not something I have time for anymore. If having their  nails done, again, at the cost of twenty five pounds, is all that matters to them, then good luck.  Don't get me wrong, I would love to lead their lives and have very little that matters to me; part of me is jealous, yes.  I would love to not care ! 

What I went through, made me the unhappiest person alive.  Obviously there are many people out there who have suffered far more than I.  After reading and understanding what I and others have gone through, it is important to change ones outlook on everything.  To me, waking up happy, without nightmares, being able to not stress and worry anymore, is all I want.  Such a simple ask, but so difficult to achieve and not just for me. In time I am sure, 'what matters to me' will change again.  As I continue to rebuild my life, settling into my new surroundings, wherever they are. I do hope, one day soon, just like you, to enjoy worrying about the simple things, that don't matter to me at this moment; then I know, I would have finally recovered, from the last few years of my life!

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