Unequal Then, Unequal Now - Some things never change!

I’ve always felt unequal throughout my life; no matter what I’ve done or how much I have achieved, I have never felt worthy. Over the last few weeks, my well-being has sustained another setback, as I once again wrestle demons I thought were long gone. When you are constantly criticised and treated differently for who you are, you learn to accept your lot in life and blend firmly into the background. My confidence has taken many knocks over the years, but at my age, I never thought I would once again have to deal with mud slinging about a time that is really just a distant memory. Bad anecdotes have resurfaced and I have started to isolate myself from the World. I am well-used to this cycle and have learnt to live with the disassociation that follows!

I have always believed in equality and inclusiveness. No matter what background you come from, the colour of your skin or your sexual orientation, you should never be treated differently. I have always tried to respect everyone myself and would never dream of disrespecting their choices or the direction they choose to take in life.

As a gay man, I will never have children, which is one of my greatest regrets. I have never had a relationship with my Nieces, nor indeed my Brother and his wife and have been ignored as a member of my immediate family for many years. For a decade and a half I have never been invited to my family home on Christmas day, attended events and occasions that I should have played a part in, or given the opportunity to form bonds with those I used to regard as close. My family ties and links became so disconnected, that I no longer felt any attachment towards my kinsfolk.

Not feeling wanted or needed is a big cross to bear. I carry around a lot of emotional baggage that is hard to shake. Just when you think you have turned a corner and start to feel comfortable in your own skin, you are once again confronted by guilt and self loathing, perpetuated by people who really have no understanding of the life you have led, the difficulties you have faced and the prejudice you have suffered. This is all part of the existence I continue to lead, even now at nearly fifty years of age, separated from my husband during a pandemic and without the support of anyone except my Aunt and her family. It makes you realise just how alone you are in the World and more importantly, just how right you were about events that continue to play their part.

Darrell and I have battled so hard to stay together, even under the most horrendous circumstances, yet we have received no support from the people you would expect. Whatever direction we have chosen, we have done so, because we have had to, for our own peace of mind. Depression, bullying, discrimination and lack of money have always dictated what path we take. At a time when most of my peers were forging careers and building a ‘perfect’ family life, Darrell and I were fighting to remain together, under the most Draconian Government rules, designed to split same-sex couples up. We had to do what we could to keep our head above water and try and survive each day as it came. We never knew when immigration would come knocking at the door and Darrell would be deported and I would once again have to leave the UK and relocate to Australia.

Our life has been so disjointed and challenging, that you would think we had finally earned the right to be happy in our 25th year together, but it seems, international events, illness and uncaring, hostile attitudes have once again won the day, and we are both looking at another hellacious period of instability and nastiness. This will be yet another lamentable time that I would rather forget. All I want is to be treated the same as my contemporaries and not regarded as a second class citizen, especially by those I thought understood our perplexities.

It’s time to be that independent couple once again, with no ties and commitments and just a desire to stay together no matter what happens. We always worked better as a team, away from the outdated bigotry and inequalities that plagued our life for so long. I am not going to return to the injustices of the past, I need to fly free!

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