Things never turn out, the way you plan them!

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Do you remember, during the last few years of school,  having career lessons? Maybe your school didn't have them, maybe you can't remember! 

For me careers advice was just another subject at school, that I had to endure. Not being a lover of my time in compulsory education, especially and sadly, during my last few years, I really didn't pay that much attention to what was going on around me, especially, when asked, what I wanted to do, when I left school.  If I think back, I probably gave a different answer, each time I was asked the same question.  In reality, I really had no idea, what I wanted to do.  My last years of school were so harrowing in many respects, my attention was elsewhere, not on making decisions about my future.  I just wanted everything to be over and at that time I wanted to run away from life, hiding away, until it was over.  I found life very difficult to cope with back then, as I do now to a certain extent.  I had no idea what endurance and direction was all about.  I was offered very little guidance and remained confused about what to do, right up until recently.  A long time eah, but that is just how it was. Talking to someone about how I felt, especially being gay as well, was a non starter; nobody really listened back then, anyway!

​The only thing  I knew when I left school, was what I enjoyed doing the most.  For me, the most important thing, was to be able to write and express myself and who I was.  I had always enjoyed writing short stories and always tried my best, to be as grammatically correct as I could.  I went to a normal state school, the standard of education was as good as anywhere at the time, certainly better than it is now, but it wasn't the best money could buy.  By and large I struggled, not because of the subjects studied, but because of the demons I was wrestling with everyday of my life; from sexuality to depression.  Both of these traits in me, were not the easiest to deal with.  I found it very difficult to have self confidence and a belief in oneself; both needed to succeed in life.  Worthlessness, or the feeling of it, is a deeply disturbing apprehension.  At this time in my life, I was extremely insular and spent most of the time alone, with my own thoughts and words.

When I left school, I chose a subject to study at College, that was completely at odds, to what I would have liked to have read;  I studied Business.  Yes me, the person who hates big business and even tried to run a venture of my own, which naturally failed; I chose to study an option, that I believed was the future for me.  It was the 80s and making lots of money was key to everyone's success. Accept, I didn't make oodles of cash.  I disliked what business stood for and I was always in the wrong place at the wrong time.

After College I got a job in the Civil Service and actually did quite well; I enjoyed it also, which was a bonus for me at the time.  If I had stayed in the position, I may  have done very well, but Mr compulsive me, decided to give it all up and go to University, studying Public Policy and Politics.  I absolutely love Politics and once again, thought I had found my vocation in life.  At the time, I had just come out as a gay man, so sadly my sexuality became the main focus for my attention.  University suffered and, once again my mind wondered in a different direction.  I was good at debating, talking, standing up in front of people and arguing my point, I just didn't have the self belief, that I could positively use my experience  to build a successful career.

From then onwards, I drifted in and out of various jobs, including running my own business, as I said earlier, but never found exactly what I was looking for. As a book valuer, working for a major charity, I found something that I did enjoy, had knowledge about and had the skills to do well. The eight years spent in this position were the best of my life, at a career level; although, the aspirations I had, were never fulfilled.  Other priorities always tended to win through at the expense of a career.  My biggest success if you like wasn't even job related, it is my relationship with my partner and recent Marriage.  We have been together  21 years, that is a major achievement in my book.

If it wasn't my relationship that took centre stage, it was the friends in my life that had prominence and were my second, if not first priority.  I have always held friends in high regard, more than was reciprocated in my favour.  My relationship with family remained as it does now, distant, so those closest, my associates, always remained high on my list of prerogatives, at my expense, I have to say.

My professional life was a complete disaster.  Despite obtaining great qualifications and attending University, I never achieved anything remotely satisfying, for me at least.  I would have loved to have gone into Politics, become a full time writer or work with disadvantaged kids.  I spent a brief period working for 'Action for Children', something I enjoyed, but I never followed through with the ambition I had at the time, to continue working with the poorest children in society, full time.  In the latest twist in my life, my work at that large charity was undermined, through destructive people, processes and influences, causing illness and depression.  There is not one aspect of my working life, that I can look back on with pride and express satisfaction.

My  life was indeed a mess, so I concentrated on hobbies and doing the things that made me happy.  I became interested in Chirology and other alternative ways of thinking and developing one's mind,  I studied family history, tracing my own family back to the 1500s.  I continued to write poetry and stories, as well as articles for newspapers, in many cases successfully.  My relationship of 21 years became all important, as well as helping others I knew,  who needed a lift or help at various times, when they were at their lowest.  I am  glad I  did these things.  It taught me much about other people and myself.  Forming emotional bonds with friends, akin to family was and still is important.  I may be a failure in life, but they don't have to be.

So where am I today.  Well I am living with a friend, who is very much like a son, who I am helping through a difficult time.  I may have my own problems, but helping someone else. is pushing me forwards myself.  I have little or no money, but for me, that is no longer important.  I am at last writing on a professional level, for a magazine in Spain, where I have my own column.  I have taken on that role of stable figure for Jamie and am having to fend for myself, while my husband is in Australia.  This is a big change from a year ago.  I am relishing new opportunities, trying new things, meeting new people and enjoying experiences, that I never thought possible.  I may well be broke, but I am happy and broke and that suits me just fine.  For once, life really is worth living!

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