Strength!

So what describes strength? Here is an online definition!

This is the sixth post I have on the go at the moment.  I have had an exhausting few days, but my mind as per usual is full of stuff I need to say, mainly about how my thoughts rest against others through interaction, something that I started to miss, up until recently.  A Bipolar mind can be terribly confusing at times.  So much to say and do, things always come out wrong and end up hurting someone close!

Now I've learnt a lot about the strength of others in recent times.  Having to rely on others for the strength you lost, can be heartbreaking.  I was always the strong one, you could almost say controlling.  I had f*cked up so much in life, I guess I wanted to retain some control over my life.  I am sure I hurt Darrell by trying to do accounts, that I had no idea how to do in reality.  Losing thousands of pounds in a failed Business venture, yet I thought I had to ability to maintain a healthy budget at home; absolutely beyond me.  I suppose It was the last dying throes of  failure in everything, just trying to hang on to even the simplest task of Home Economics; I should have just given up.

Darrell and I have needed a lot of strength over the last few weeks. To be honest, Darrell more than I, I just took a sedative and left planet Earth.  This is the first time Darrell has taken control of my destiny, and bloody hell, boy done good! Darrell has always found it difficult to command attention.  He rightly feels, I can be overbearing and  just boggle people with big words.  True, Intelligence can stop most people in their tracks.  If you can't argue, don't bloody bother, a waste of my time!

When the Police told me he had agreed to be my official carer, I didn't know what to expect.  It was the condition they made to keep me out of Hospital and I expected the worst.  You know what, Darrell surprised me in every sense.  He has dealt with my work, he managed to get me an appointment with a psychiatrist within two weeks, not the predicted three months.  He has dealt with the surgery, in his own unique way; to my horror, it worked though;  I am so proud of what he has done.

Of course to stay out of Hospital, one has two have a close network of friends.  I actually didn't realise how many I had. Nurse Natalee, is a hard one to be fair.  No sympathy at all, up front, in your face and extremely over protective.  She has been that childhood Nanny of my fears, the Dentist who refused to give pain relief and that Teacher who took great pleasure in wrapping my knuckles with a cane.  To be honest, what does one really need in these situations? Tea and sympathy? Or a reality check? She was perfect for the job; the last thing I needed or need is some patronising psychotherapist patting my leg.

Strength, is something I learnt very quickly at School, god I hated the damn place.   I went to the roughest School in Fareham, surrounded by Council Estates on all sides.  I also grew up on a small estate myself and couldn't stand it; the people, the false community spirit and yes the bullying.  School can be a horrible place if you are different, kids can be so cruel and each comment literally destroys another part of your soul.  So what do you do, spend the next five years in a living hell, or try to salvage some shred  of dignity, do or die as they say. Well I survived, so I guess I learnt to deflect the worst of it.  

It is my belief that strength of character can only be learnt in tough times.  These periods teach us the most valuable lessons.  Nobody is claiming these times are easy, nor should they be, if they were we would learn absolutely nothing. They were the hardest times of my life, but they made me who I am today!  Back in  those days, it really felt like you were on your own, Section 28 was in place and I could not talk to anyone about my sexuality, so there was no one there. For me strength at that time was in dealing with issues on my own, emotionless, hardened towards the harsh realities of what was a deeply upsetting time.

As I have grown over the years, I have seen generation, after generation, dealing with issues in the same way, from homosexuality, bullying to abuse.  Those dealing with these and many more issues, deal with it themselves, without showing weakness or emotion.  It is my belief, for most it is the only way to survive it.  If I had cried at the drop of a hat, each time I was called 'faggot or bent', the abuse would have been far worse.  It has made me heartless at times, but know this, when I am alone, I cry, never in front of people!  Well I say never, rather people have to earn the right to see my emotions, that takes a lot of trust, familiar bonds and a closeness very few have.  

I need to mention Jay Greaves here!  I can't actually believe the amount of people that told me to avoid him.  Even to this day I have no idea why.  He is the sum of his own experiences, like myself and many others.  We have all learnt from the past and DO NOT want to be hurt again.  We have all got emotions still, we just choose not to let the majority in and why? Mainly because most gays have no idea of the harsh realities of life, don't battle, destroy others and bully..... Ring any bells?  Yes just like School!

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