Note To Self - You can do better!

I’ll be glad to put the last few days behind me to be honest. As usual, I have been working hard, holding down two jobs and spending as much time as I can with friends, which brings me to my blog today, an entry about friendships. Since moving back home I have formed some wonderful relationships with people from all the places I work for and have a rich and eclectic group of associates. These are people I am close to and ‘CHOOSE’ to spend time with. The word ‘CHOOSE’ is important because for the first time I have made a conscious choice to have these people in my life. In the past things were very different. I spent time with many more individuals than I do now, but they weren’t necessarily right for me. These were so called friends, who used and abused, took as much as they could and gave nothing in return. Of course I regarded them as important, but nothing could be further from the truth.

I have been in contact with many people in recent times, from different periods of my life, who have become close once again. We have rekindled our friendships where we last left off and for that I am truly grateful. For one reason or another, these ‘good ones’ got away and I was left with a hoard of hangers on who did nothing to promote positivity, in fact the opposite was true. Living ones life with a group of negative characters does take its toll on ones sense of well-being and self worth and my life spiraled out of control as a result. Luckily for me, I saw past the swagger and bravado, eventually moving away and restarting my life around better, more discerning, enlightened individuals.

I am also someone who likes bringing people together, after a lifetime apart and enjoy the happiness that induces. Of course helping others regain contact does have its downsides. As a consequence of my actions, I have always been left out in the cold. As someone said to me today ‘Your job is done, they used you to get what they wanted and you are no longer important!’ Well that is probably true!

Living apart from ones partner in a city I know very little about has been challenging, but I am relishing the new opportunities that brings. I do have some close friendships now and am being careful to cultivate a sense of equality in everything we do. I understand the meaning of closeness, in a way I didn’t before and it is important to have contact with like minded folk who understand the trauma and turmoil that has made me the person I am. Sadly along the way I have lost a few who I regarded as ‘old friends,’ people who should have given a little more, stayed in contact and not treated me as a catalyst for their own wider agenda. They have achieved what they wanted to achieve and I really hope they are happy with their new acquired social lives, off the back of our mutual friendship. As for me, well, onwards and upwards as they say...I really could have done better!

This is a blog entry where one has to read between the lines. I do have to be very careful about what I say and don’t want to single out any one individual, but I am in an angry mood. I came across a message written by someone who I thought was close and lets just say it highlighted their true intentions. They couldn’t give a damn about me or my feelings, they were more interested in their own self satisfaction. In fact as I read the message I realised why I hadn’t spoke to them in many years. I am well versed in bullying and the culture that is built up around it and I have seen words like these before. In the past I would have brushed them under the carpet, believing I was being over sensitive, when actually I was just witnessing ‘abuse in action.’

Today I know when it’s time to say goodbye and tell people where to go. I am just too old to bother with nasty people and as I close this entry, I also close another chapter in my life. This isn’t the first time I have written about this subject and it wont be the last; friendships are what bind us together as human beings but they can also be the noose around our necks; when it’s pulled too tight, it’s time to cut the rope!


This is what I love about blogging, getting things off ones chest!

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