Mindset!

To be honest, I was a little indecisive about what to blog about today.  I had a few subjects on my mind, but decided to talk about the way I am feeling. My emotions are really in a constant state of flux at the moment; one day I am up, one day I am down, but this is what Spain does to you, at least to me!

I have been living on my own for a while now and am finding the experience a bit of a drag. Darrell has been away for seven months now; the distance has become a problem for us both. Reviewing  our decision, for Darrell to remain in Australia, for such a long length of time, it is clear that it was one made in haste and we should not have been separated for such a long length of time.  The reality is, it hasn't done our relationship the world of good.  Spending a long time apart from ones partner, is something that should have been thought through far more; only a certain type of relationship can cope with the rigors thrown up!

Timing is very important now, for both of us.  Darrell should be returning to Spain within the next few months.  He can not return too early, because we obviously need money, that Australia provides, until the new bar opens.  I have no firm opening date, as yet, so it makes it all the more difficult, to decide on Darrell's return.  The constant juggling, shifting of deadlines and changing of tickets, is an ongoing worry, and does get me down, as it would anyone, in our position!

For the last seven months I have had my practical head on; I've had too! Money has been a real problem living in Spain.  With no access to employment or benefits of any kind, one has to be inventive and survive the best way one can.  I have been living on 25€ a week generally, that's it. That has to look after me and the cats, in the interim, while I wait for the season to begin.  People in the UK have no idea what it is like to struggle.  I have been in Spain for just over a year now and I can assure my readers, I have never experienced hardship like it.  Despite what I am going through, what happened over the last few years and the lack of support, I feel I am doing remarkably well; as well as one could expect under the circumstances!

My state of mind, even with what I am going through, is still far better than it was a year and a half ago. I have had to learn to grow again, as I did when I first left home in 1992, attending University.  Back then I also had no money.  If  University taught me anything, It was about survival with no money; I am using that knowledge now, to help me get through each day.  I never used any of the qualifications I gained through study, but the life lessons were invaluable and I am grateful for that at least.

Loneliness is still a big problem for me.  In the past I was used to having lots of people around, sometimes more than I could cope with, but today, in the main, it's just myself and the cats.  It's the way I prefer it at the moment.  The situation I am in, does give me a lot of anxiety and stress, so the more time I spend on my own the better. One doesn't want to offload all ones problems on people; I deal with them best, singly. Other people can be a distraction at times, which is also a good thing; although being around others, with the feelings I have is not necessarily the best thing, for me at least. The friends I have  are aware of how I feel from time to time and accept, that I may not be so approachable on occasion.  Katie is quite good, gets me out the house when she can and is great company, good to talk to and always there to help.

Frustration; now I have used this word before, because it is something, I have felt for a good five months.  Spain is the most frustrating place in the World.  I don't want to go into details about why, because I have written about it before.  Spain basically gives me the same level of exasperation, Oxfam did a few years ago. I love living here, I just feel everything is against me,  not just me, others as well.  It is a difficult place to live and an even more difficult place to succeed.

Recently I have felt more down than I have in a while.  The bad weather has not helped. The position I find myself in today, is not something I have experienced before; consequently I am having difficulty dealing with the emotions involved in my feelings. I'll try and explain what I mean.  When I am feeling low, I always look back at happier times; photographs and memories are a link to past successes and people, that lift me up, when I am feeling down.  The trouble is, looking back at these 'better' times, has created more problems. I do miss home a lot, more now, than ever.  Photos of happy times, just exacerbate the pain I am feeling.  Having not lived through such a difficult period, I have no idea how to react, which is probably why I spend most of the time on my own.  Sometimes I want to shout and scream; on other days cry and the vast majority of the time, I am content to just sit and contemplate, remember and yes, worry. The reality of my situation is, I just don't know what to do, say or think, so I follow what my mind tells me to do.

​When one arrives in Spain, one is full of dreams, happiness and ambition.  Within a short space of time, one realises, the hopes and desires, one had before departure are not necessarily true or achievable.  I am not trying to be negative, far from it, I am a realist; nothing here is easy.  I still have all the aspirations I had before, despite the knock backs.  I also have far more determination, than I've have ever had in my life, because no matter how hard this has been and continues to be, it is nothing compared to what I experienced working and fighting Oxfam.  This isn't a walk in the park: I know very well what it is like to be at the bottom now, eat every other day, because I can't afford to everyday, wear layer after layer of clothing in the winter, because I can't afford to heat my home and live within my means, only buy essentials, save energy, walk to the shops and waste nothing in my life. Having to do all these things, obviously takes its toll on ones psyche.  I am not always in the best place; I can feel low and rather trapped; a reality of life for me, living in Spain; I am gradually getting used to it. I am really not complaining, because, I understand nothing is forever and this period, as dark as it is, is teaching me things I had never thought possible.  Finally I am also able to deal with real issues, not the fake drama of the past.  My life is a drama, it has been the most dramatic, I have ever known, but I am still here, I haven't given up and I still live in hope, as you should, no matter how bad your circumstances are!

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